All language subtitles for its.always.sunny.in.philadelphia.s08e06.720p.bluray.x264-demand

[ Knocking ] [ Charlie
] Hey, knock, knock.

Oh. Hi, Charlie.
Hey, Ma.

Listen. You're doing me a solid,
offering to do this laundry, all right?

We never get to talk.
That's why I offered.

- We don't talk, and it's good that way.
- Hey-oh!

Hi! Hey, Mac's here. He
brought his laundry, so-

Thanks a bundle,
Mrs. Kelly.

I got Frank's stuff, Dee's stuff, Dennis's
stuff, so you're gonna be working.

Oh, okay. Well, what I wanted
to talk to you about-

Ooh, talky, talky,
talky, talky, talky.

[Laughs] Talky, talky-
M-M-Mom, we're busy.

We got a whole big day planned.

We're gonna go back to
Paddy's and polish off

a couple beers. Beers,
you know, but, hey-

Time is of the essence. We'll come back
when it's folded and good and done.

I'd like to bring it up now.

Um, I have cancer.

Yeah, but I gotta go-
Yeah.

I'm sorry. What?

I have lung cancer.

What? But... how?
You don't even smoke.

Well, you know-
[ Coughs ]

It's just one of those freak things.
[ Coughs ]

And then Psychic John
said that he could tell

I was under a tremendous
amount of stress...

and that my heart
was filled with sorrow.

Now how would he have known that
if he wasn't psychic?

I'm not giving you any money
for your dumb psychic.

But he says I'm gonna have
a tremendous windfall of cash.

You're losing your mind.
You're being scammed.

I'm losing my mind?

How many pairs of shoes
have you lost this month, Frank?

Three.

Hmm'?
Four.

Mm-hmm.
That's not the point.

The point is my mind
is as sharp as a-

What do you call it? Uh- It's a-

A knife?
No.

Uh, what you put-
What you-What you-

[ Groans ]

I just don't understand
why it's my fault.

It's your fault 'cause your
mom's directly responsible.

Yeah, but we both decided
to move them in together,

so, you know, you
deserve half the blame.

You would put half the blame on me?
Yes.

Guys, my mom has lung cancer.

[ Slowly]
Oh, God.

You know, how-Geez.

That's-That's terrible.

What-What the hell
was that, dude?

That didn't sound very genuine.

No. Sorry.
What was I supposed to do?

- [ Sharp Exhale ] - what are
you-Are you kidding me?

Are you screwing with
me right now? No.

I'm sorry. I think the cancer thing,
for whatever reason, just not-

[ Snaps Fingers ] It's just
not grabbing me right now.

Not grabbing you?
My mom is dying!

Okay, all right. Calm down.
Calm down, okay?

Because my mom has a doctor...

that can cure the cancer for
4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

4,200 bucks? To cure cancer?
That's it? No.

I mean, thatis a scam.

That's what I was saying.
Do you think it's a scam?

Come on. People take advantage of old
people and scam them all the time.

- Thumbtack!
- What?

Thumbtack.

We were talking about things
earlier that were sharp,

and a thumbtack is sharp.

Thumbtack.
Yeah.

All right.
Mmm.

You see what I'm talking about?

People get old and then
their brains turn to mush,

and then people come along
and take advantage of 'em.

Now, Frank, give me that hundred bucks you
were excited to give me for my psychic.

Oh, yeah.
[ Muttering ]

Sorry. Here you go.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ Charlie ]
Where the hell are we?

Your m0m's totally screwing my
mom again with this doctor scam.

It's not a scam, Charlie.

She's been seeing this guy for
years, and she doesn't have cancer.

[ Dennis] I got to say, though, this is
a strange place for a doctor's office.

- What's this guy's name?
- Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is the name
of a monkey, not a man.

[ Man ] Come in. He
lives in a garage?

Yeah. Look. Let's just give
him a shot, all right?

If we don't like
what we see, we reassess.

[ Buzzes Lips]
All right. Go.

♪♪ [Pop on Speakers ]
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Are you Dr. Jinx?

'P The right' stufi, »
Indeed I am.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
Have a seat.

Goddamn it. [ Spraying
1 ♪♪ [ Continues ]

So, what are we gonna do, guys?

I just have to say...
this is, uh-

This is weird.

I can understand
your suspicions.

When most people
think of a doctor,

they don't think of a black man living
in a garage, surrounded by houseplants.

I normally think Asian.

Yeah, or I think
of an Indian guy.

Yeah. Or white.
Middle Eastern.

Pretty much anything other than black.
Is that racist?

Hell, yeah, that's racist.

Your parents ain't let you watch The
Cosby Show when you was coming up?

My parents would never have let
me watch something like that.

[ Charlie ] Let's not
make this about racism.

Let's make this about the man who's living
in a garage treating my mom for cancer.

Hey, hey. Now, look.
Here's my deal-

I use ancient
homeopathic remedies...

derived from the mother earth.

You can't get
no cleaner than that.

Homeopathic
from mother earth, huh?

Dr. Jinx, I have a eczema situation
that's burning me up good.

Do you have anything for that?
Oh, shit!

That's not eczema.

What you have there, my friend,
that's sailor's rot.

Sailor's rot? I'm not a sailor, Dr.
Jinx.

- V\/hen the last time you been to Haiti?
- Never.

I've never been-
I've been to Kensington.

When you was in Kensington,
did you have intercourse...

with any hos, ladies of the
nights or prostitutes?

No!

No. I have-
Don't worry about it.

Doctor-client privilege. Don't worry
about it. I got what you need.

Okay. What is- Oh. Oh!

Oh, that burns!
[ Groans ]

Mother earth don't play.

Do you have anything
from the mother earth...

that would be sprayed on me and
cause me to have feelings again,

'cause I'm having trouble
feeling things.

Oh, you want feelings?
I have something for that.

Dr. Jinx got something
for feeling.

♪♪ [ “The Right Stuff” 1

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Okay. So that was
a scam, right?

Yep.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

I think he sprayed me
with Miracle-Gro.

All right, guys. My mom has real problems.
I need real help.

Oh. I got it.

I know exactly who we need
to turn to next.

Hmm.

[ Congregation ] ♪ And he will
raise you up on eagles' wings ♪

[ Mac, Off-key] ♪ Bear you
on the breath of dawn ♪

♪ Make youse to shine
like the sun ♪

♪ And hold youse
in the palm ♪

♪ Of his hand ♪♪

Holy, holy, holy,
Lord God of power and might,

heaven and earth
are full of your glory.

[ Continues, indistinct ] [ Scoffs ] This
is ridiculous. what are we doing here?

We're turning to the big man upstairs.
He's gonna make this right.

I can't believe you think this is
a real solution to our problem.

Dennis, what do you think of all this?
Shh. Shh.

♪ Ame" ♪ ♪ Amen ♪

I'm just trying to embrace this.

I want to see if I can
knock some emotion loose.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't say that.
Now kneel.

Why do I have to kneel?
I don't see the point.

Because God wants it.

Look, just do what the priest says.
Don't ask why. Just do.

Look, our moms are here.

They see the value in it.
Why can't you?

[ Coughing ]

Where's your mom going?

She keeps a cigarette burning
out on the steps outside,

so she's gonna go hack a butt.

So she just comes and goes
as she pleases.

There's no sort of rules
for her.

She's put her time
in here, all right?

The Lord makes an exception for her.
Jesus Christ, man.

Hey! Don't-Stop using his name in vain.
Now stand.

[ Huffs ] Stand? Yes.

And give me some money for the baskets.
I'm not giving you money.

We have to give money-what are
you-No, thank you. No, thank you.

If anything, the church should give us
money. They seem to have plenty of it.

Dude, the church doesn't give money.
Htakesit

All right?
That's the way it works.

And then you go to heaven.
Now kneel.

Kneel?
I gotta kneel again?

Actually, it's over. We're
standing again. [Huffs]

Charlie-Son of a bitch.
This is a scam, okay?

This is a scam-All this kneeling,
standing, getting people all confused.

♪♪ [ CF98" ] Hey. Hey, hey.
Come here.

What are you doing? what are you doing?
Come here. Come here.

I'm offering you a sign of peace.
I don't want this.

Peace-Peace be with you.
Okay. Hey.

[ Softly] Can I say something?
Can I say something?

Sorry about your mother.
[Groaning ]

Okay, I want to talk
about someone in your life.

Okay.
Okay. Someone close to you.

All right.
I'm getting a Fa-

No, I'm getting a Ba- No.
I'm getting a Da-

Dennis?
Dennis!

Is it?
Yes.

Yeah. No, I'm seeing that.
Dennis.

YUP, YUP-I'm seeing Dennis.
Okay.

And I am feeling as if he is a...
neighbor or an enemy.

He's a coworker, friend-
He's a relative-

He's my brother.
He's your brother.

Oh, my God.
Yes.

Is he how I'm getting
my windfall of cash?

You know, I'm not seeing clearly
yet how you get the cash. Hmm.

I do see a lot of money
in your future. You do.

Yeah, but-[ Chuckling
] Oh, shit.

I think it's gonna take a few sessions
to really get the whole picture.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]
Is it?

Ha. I was just out buying
new shoes and I remembered-

I didn't want to give you
that hundred bucks.

Yeah, and then you called me and you
said you'd changed your mind...

and you'd like to give me another
hundred-So where is it?

I did?
Yeah.

- Ah, shit!
- Hi. Psychic John.

You have an interesting aura.

Don't start with me.

Who's gonna win
the Super Bowl this year?

[ Clicks Tongue ]

You don't know shit.

Well, I do know that you lost
three pairs of shoes this month,

you have a pork chop bone
in your left pocket,

you have 57 cents
in your right...

and you clipped someone's side mirror
while parking in a handicap spot.

Holy shit.
That's good.

Can you conjure the dead?

Can you get my dead whore wife back here
so I can lay into her from the other side?

Well, I can't do that.

Yeah.
Because you're full of shit.

I can't do it because I feel her
spirit is still very much alive.

What? No. VVell, I
don't know about that.

[ Stammering ]
Wait a minute.

I knew there was always something
suspicious about that whore's death.

- Really?
- Yes. We didn't ask any questions.

We never saw the body.
We didn't go to the funeral.

I am feeling as if she is still
living somewhere in this city-

with a small Mexican dog.
[Gasps]

- Does that ring a bell?
- Oh.

That dirty bitch.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Well, I'll tell you, guys.

I didn't feel much in there, but I
always enjoy the little wafers.

Of course you do. Because you're
consuming the actual body of Christ.

- Uh-huh. Well, he was delicious.
- V\/ait. What?

You're eating our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ every Sunday. That's-

You're telling me that you believe that
Christ comes back to life every Sunday...

in the form
of a bowl of crackers,

and then you proceed
to just eat the man?

Correct. You consumed his corpse and
you drank his blood. Okay. Okay.

- That's a part of-
- Good. Good, good, good.

This is what we're dealing with.
Hey, Mom?

[ Softly]
Oh, hi.

Can I talk to you for a second?
Why are you here, honestly?

I was praying for help.
I need the money for Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is a con artist
and a lunatic.

L-I know he's strange,
but he's a great doctor.

He really does cure people.

Hey, guys? Look at this. My rash
is almost completely cleared up.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.

Whoa.
Yeah. Look at that.

Whatever he sprayed
on me worked.

He might actually be
a good doctor.

Yes!
Oh, shit.

Hi, everybody. Just a reminder,
if you wouldn't mind.

We're asking
for extra donations...

for the statue of the Blessed Mother
that was vandalized last week.

What the shit, man?
[Whispers ] Charlie.

My mother is dying of cancer, and
you need money to fix a statue?

- No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
- [ Mac] Charlie, calm down.

No, no. Why don't you give us some money?
How much is that ring worth?

That looks like an expensive ring.
Can we have the ring?

Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
This is bullshit!

I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Hey, Charlie. Charlie.

What are you doing?
It's okay. I got this.

- What am I doing? What is he doing?
- Listen.

Don't get all riled up about this
scam or that scam, you know.

It's all a big scam, okay? Yeah.

But I will say this-
The church's scam?

It's a pretty good one.
It's effective.

Look at all the money these
people are giving to the church.

So I say we use that model to raise
money for your mom at Paddy's.

Guys. Let's throw
a beef and beer.

A beef and beer? It's been years.
Mm-hmm.

Beef and beer, huh?

Yeah. We invite the members
of this congregation...

down to Paddy's for cheap beef
and watered-down beer.

We'll prey on their
Catholic guilt...

by playing up your m0m's cancer and “Oh,
she's dying”- And she is, you know-

Yeah. Then we'll raise
a bunch of money...

to give to your mom
to give to Dr. Jinx.

Boom. It's the Holy Trinity-
beef and beer and Jesus.

[Frank] Dig, dig, dig.
[ Dee ] Yeah.

What makes you think she's got
money buried in the dog's grave?

Well, she can't use a bank.

She's probably got money buried
all over the city.

Oh.
Whoa.

There we go.
Yeah. Dig it up.

Come on, buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah!
VVhoa, ho, ho.

[ Screams ] Goddamn! Oh,
there's a dead dog in there!

Gross!

That's not a dog.

That's my toupee,
my blond toupee.

I used to wear this in Miami.

She hated this goddamn thing.
She didn't like that?

No.
You are an idiot.

Hmm.
Oh, my God.

[ Gasps ]
There is some cash.

[ Gasps ]
That dirty whore.

There's gotta be, like,
five grand in here.

I bet she's probably
got this stuff...

hidden all over the city.

I can't believe this.
She's alive.

We better tell your brother, Daryl, because
he's gonna want to be in the loop.

Dennis.

Dennis.
Yeah.

Dennis! Goddamn it!

[ VVhispers ] Okay, shh. Hey, hey.
Frank, y0u're losing it!

Stop it. Pipe down.
People live here.

My head is turning to soup!
Okay. I get it.

Hey! Uh-Mr.-

Juarez. Mr. Juarez.
That's right.

You remember the Mexican
family whose house we

burned down and we had to
give them our mansion.

[ Gasps ] Oh! Remember?

How do you like the mansion?

It's been very, very nice. You know,
the weddings, the quinceafieras.

Mmm.
Mmm.

But it's very expensive.
Mmm.

Uh, how you call it-

Uh, the property tax.
It's too much.

Yeah.
Si.

We had to leave. Anyway, I
am back here every Saturday.

Why?
I have to go to work.

[ Engine Starts]

Yeah. [ Dee ] Oh, shit.

Well, that sucks.

Tell you what. Property taxes-
paying for what you already own?

Now that's a scam.

♪♪ [ Funk]

♪ We want the funk ♪

♪ Dr. Jinx
want that funk ♪

♪ Oh, we want me funk ♪

♪ We need it
Gotta have that funk ♪

♪ Dr. Jinx
want the funk ♪

Padre!

So good to see you.
So good of you to come.

Oh. Yeah. Right on. Right on.

Well, it's for a good cause,
isn't it, so-

Have some beef, have some beer.

And if you feel
the calling, you know,

go ahead and pop that ring
in the donation bucket.

Although I know you won't.
[Laughs]

All right.
Have a good time.

We're both playing the same game.
I-I totally get it.

I get what you're doing.

♪♪ [Vocalizing ]

SOws ♪ We gonna tum
Ms cancer out ♪

Let me see the-
the neck.

Mom, turn your head that way.

Can we do more lesions?

No, dude. The lesions are fine.
That's overkill. Trust me.

I d0n't know why I have to wear all
this makeup and wear a bald cap.

Mom, you want people to feel sorry for
you, right? Then they give a lot of money.

You just don't look that sick.
You gotta look sicker.

But I feel like it's lying.

It's not lying, Mrs. Kelly,
because you are dying of cancer.

- Yeah.
- It's devouring your insides.

But we need for it to devour your outside
so it plays better for our audience.

Yeah. Look, Mom. It's just basic Hollywood
stuff, all right? Don't fight it.

Why can't you get Frank
to give me the money?

[lnhales ] Mmm. Frank's not
really a big charity kind of guy.

He's not really
gonna give it. Okay.

Let's talk about
the speech, okay?

Can you go over the speech
that we gave you?

I don't like this speech.
This speech is too graphic.

[ Mac Scoffs ]

It needs to be graphic
to get their attention.

This bitch is driving me crazy.
I'm sorry.

Look, that's the kind of stuff
that's going to grab people.

You know what I mean? Like
graphic stuff, melt their-

Artemis, what are you doing?

You can't smoke in here.

- It's not tobacco.
- I realize it's not tobacco,

but it's not gonna be
good for her lungs.

- She's already-
- I'm used to smoke around me.

- Oh.
- She can recover. She can beat it.

[ Clicks Tongue ] It's only going
to add to-Can you go outside?

Whatever.
I'm gonna go have some beef.

Pass the beef, but don't
smoke in front of the woman.

♪♪ [ Bass Riff]

♪ We are Dr. Jinx;

♪♪ [ Holds High Note]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

We are Dr. Jinx, and we'll
be back in a minute.

All right. All right. That's good stuff.
Good stuff.

Hey. Everybody give it up one
more time for Dr. Jinx, huh?

[ Man ] VVhoo! Dr. Jinx.

A man with a band...
named after himself.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we all know why we're here.

To celebrate the beautiful life
of the beautiful Bonnie Kelly.

But I'd like to take a moment,
if you'll indulge me.

I learned something very important
today, and it just dawned on me.

I want to talk about faith.

Right on.

It's not about
whether something is true...

or-or-or based in fact
or reality...

or the laws of physics
or nature...

or even basic common sense.

It's about whether or not we're dumb
enough to believe in it that matters.

Oh, folks, who the hell am I to say
that there is no God? Who am I?

Or to say that anybody's belief in the
church d0esn't make their life better?

Maybe it does.

Or that this man,
Dr. Jinx-

Who am I to say that he can't
cure diseases with his sorcery?

I don't know.

I say maybe he can.

And I believe that maybe he can.

[ Chuckles ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
if we believe,

if we just believe,

then we can do anything!

[Cheering ]

VVhoo!

Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel it now!

Do you feel it?
Do you feel the spirit?

Do you feel the invisible things
around you that don't really exist?

Oh, it doesn't matter!

- Dr. Jinx feels it, yeah!
- V\/hoo, I feel good!

- [ Mac] Yeah!
- We feel magnificent, yeah!

And we can cure cancer
with plants.

VVhoo! [ Dr. Jinx] Amen.

Mmm. Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Whoa. Whoa! Oh!

Dennis, that was amazing, dude.

I am so proud of you.
You are feeling again.

No.

I meant none of it.

[ Door Opens ] [ Charlie ] Come on.
Come on.

Just read the speech.

I don't think I can do this.
You can do it.

You'll be great.
My-My mom has a speech.

“Thank you all for coming...

to our beef and beer and Jesus.

As you know,

I'm as sick as a three-legged
dog on the streets of India.

Any minute, my lungs are going to
sizzle, pop and disintegrate”-

[ Mouths V\/ords ] “into a liquid
lung and organ gumbo soup.”

That was my line.

Nice.
Mmm.

Charlie, I can't do this. Skip
to the money part, all right?

Just get the money part done.

“Give me money. Money me.

Money now.

Me a money needing
a lot now.”

That was Charlie's line.
Yeah.

- Eh.
- Charlie, I can't do this.

Doing great.
We're doing great.

I have a confession to make
to all of you.

D0n”t do it, bitch!

I don't have cancer!

[All Gasp ] [ Mac ] What?

- [ Mrs. Mac] Oh, God.
- [All Murmuring ]

We're the ones that broke
the Virgin Mary statue.

We accidentally hit
it with our car. Mmm.

We were trying to raise money
to get it fixed.

That's just crazy.

You could've just told me the
story about hitting the statue.

I mean, where did you come up
with this idea?

Well, I learned everything
by watching you.

Wh-Uh- Oh. Ah, shit.
I did do that, huh?

Yeah, you totally-

You pulled that shit on us too.
VVell-

You son of a bitch.
That's no excuse.

Well, at least you didn't
try and grift a doctor though.

No, no. I never actually said
I was a doctor.

[ Chuckles ] He's the
goddamn church gardener.

A gardener? I guess that
would explain this.

- [ Charlie ] Oh. Oh! - Jesus.

I was gonna talk to you about that.
I'm really sorry.

You had my back up against the wall.
I had

to spray you with a heavy
dose of pesticide.

Put some aloe vera gel on there,
a little bit of Vitamin D-

What?
He doesn't know that.

Don't get a diagnosis from him now.
How would you know that?

Goddamn it.

Dennis. Dennis!
Mom's alive.

She faked her own death
to steal Frank's

money, and we think it's
buried in her grave.

That dirty whore.

- [Whistles ] - Everybody
get a goddamn shovel!

[ Digging ]

This is such a perfect place
for that bitch to hide my money.

Psychic John talked about this.

He said I was gonna come into a
windfall of cash, and it's all in here.

Yeah. Then we can use some
of that cash...

to pay for the statue
that our moms broke, Charlie.

All right!
[ Coughs ]

- You guys ready?
- Crack it open, Charlie.

[ Chanting ] Show me the money.
Show me the money!

Show me the money!
Show me the money!

[ Charlie ] Ah, shit! Oh, shit!

[Screaming ]

- Mommy! Mommy! - [
Cackles ] I grifted ya!

- What are you talking about?
- I paid off the psychic.

[ Dennis Shrieking ] I buried
the money in the dog grave.

My mommy! My mommy's a skeleton!
[ Sobbing ]

I grifted your asses good
because you said I was slipping.

I feel too much!
I feel too much!

You made me dig up my dead mother
because I said you were losing it?

Score one for the old people!
[ Cackles ]

Wait a minute.

What the hell happened
to my shoes?

[ Voices Speaking Backwards]