Original subtitles

♪ We're dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

- Holy Moses! - I just...

wanted to have...

- Whoa! - Oh, my God!

... a nice Christmas,

- Put it down! - ... and you all...

- ruined it... - Honey...

- ... again! - Stop!

- Honey, no... - Okay! Okay!

I'm out!

Christmas is canceled.

_

_

- Hey. - Ah!

Now it feels like Christmas.

What kind of jacket is that?

- But where's Ali? - What's with the beard?

Uh, she's not coming.

- Oh, no. - Uh, she's really sorry.

The weather girl says we're supposed to get snow.

- What happened? - Yeah, her-her dad got sick.

- Oh, that's awful. - Yeah, kidney stones.

- Oh, God. - We were so excited

- to finally meet her. - I hope he's drinking a lot of water.

'Cause those things can come in bunches and people say

- it's worse than childbirth. - It's not.

Honey, you've never had kidney stones.

I've had three babies. One, a ten-pounder.

- Well, okay... - Not you. Come in.

- Give me the bag. - Yay.

Oh, that's my boy.

You're gonna need, uh, better shoes than that.

- You gave me those, Dad. - Yeah, I gave them to you

for the summer, all right? Not for the winter.

Hey, did you tip the cabbie?

Because those guys work for a living.

- _ - Oh!

Thanks for picking me up, dude.

God! Oh, I thought you were coming in at 1:00.

- You're full of crap, Sean. - No...

- Sorry I woke you, Leon. - No.

Does that sound like something I would do?

Does it sound like I would agree to pick you up before noon

on a weekend, ever?

- Come here. - Good to see you.

Welcome home, okay...

- Aah! - Aah! Yeah.

That's for the air horn, dumbass.

I'm going back to bed. Wake me up at 3:00.

Hey, heads up... our bathroom's

under construction, so this one's seeing a lot of traffic.

Yeah, it was supposed to be finished by Thanksgiving.

You got some of your AA buddies on the job?

- It's the roof all over again. - I'm trying to give

some people a leg up... Is that so wrong?

It is if you have to take a dump

while your mom's in the shower.

That was me.

Hire a real plumber.

- Me, me, me, me. - Long flight...

And maybe work on your savior complex.

Oh! Bridget's here.

- Bridget's here. - Great.

Mom invited everyone over for a big feast to meet Ali.

What happened?

Her dad had gallbladder surgery.

The whole family's staying local.

She totally broke up with you, right?

Yesterday, at brunch.

It was brutal.

- Ah. - Aw, man, I'm sorry.

Her lease was up, and I was really into her,

but I just... and I wasn't, you know, quite ready

to move in together. Then this jerk

at the next table gets down on one knee.

- Come on. - Just gives this incredibly

moving proposal... Like, beautiful.

Brunch can be tricky.

Mom's gonna analyze the crap out of this.

- I'm not telling her. - I mean, I fully support women

of any age going back to get their master's,

- but ugh... psychology? - Yeah, but...

I mean, it's just so annoying.

Yeah, she's been all kinds of unreasonable lately.

You know, she actually stopped doing my laundry.

Oh, preposterous.

I pay rent.

- I deserve amenities. - Sean!

I found the tree.

- I bet you didn't. - Uh-oh.

- Let's see... - No!

That's not a tree, that's a-that's a Christmas shrub.

It's got pluck. I'm getting it.

You do this every year, old man.

You got a Douglas-fir problem.

Everyone's gonna be here in an hour.

They're being delivered?

We don't need cookies, okay?

Big Stan's bringing pies.

- Big Stan? - Mm-hmm.

Didn't he wet himself

- caroling last year? - Yep.

He's got nine months sober and I have full faith, okay?

I thought you'd like the cookies.

Eater Chicago says they're the best in the city.

Honey, Stan needs the win.

Did you call your boss

- at the rink, Seanny? - No.

It's a chess match.

I'm not gonna make the first move.

She owes me a lot of overtime.

You know you're the maintenance guy.

Might not have the leverage you think you do.

A-Again with the stick, Mom.

Would love to see the carrot sometime.

Jesus' dad was a maintenance guy.

Don't forget to take

a lot of photos. Get your camera.

Got it.

Hey.

- My mom's on scotch two. - Oh, God.

- Thanks, Mom. - Here you go.

Here's to my last Christmas.

I thought last Christmas was your last Christmas.

You're really dragging out this death thing.

Where's your Chinese husband?

He's Korean, and he's on a plane.

He'll be here in a couple hours.

If you make it that long.

Look, Roger, they have a Christmas tree.

Probably paid full price. The real deals don't

- happen for a few days. - I would feel bad

if I didn't bring you in on this opportunity.

We've been down this road before.

Uh, two words:

"funeral" and "fireworks."

What?

Exactly.

We take your loved one's cremated ashes

put them in a canister... I've already got the prototype...

Then shoot them into the sky in a spectacular display

of color and light and awe.

Tasteful.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Uh, did-did you ring the bell?

Um, no, not yet. I'm Cora.

Right, right. With the-the best cookies in Chicago.

That's a lot of pressure.

- I'm Dan. - Hi.

Um... Uh, yeah, just...

Not much, but here you go.

What's this?

It's-it's a really bad tip.

- I'm sorry, um... - There's at least

86 cents here and a button.

No, it's terrible. I was a waiter, and I'm just

giving you things that fell off my shirt.

- Unforgivable. - I was just messing with you.

I'm Cora, Marco's girlfriend.

He forgot his phone in the car.

Hey there! There he is.

- My long-lost cousin. - Hey.

Oh, man.

Ah, the only man I've ever taken a bath with.

- Oh. - We were five.

He thought I was a delivery person.

No, I'm an idiot. I just figured with the Cookie Monster T-shirt,

it was some kind of clever marketing thing.

This is Elmo. Cookie Monster's blue.

Wow. All furry people look alike to you.

Will you just come in.

Hey, hey! Hey, I smell that roast.

We're kicking off the holiday season right, Uncle Sean.

- Hey, hon. - Yes, it's my second glass.

You're counting, not me.

I have a lot on my plate.

I read another new article online last night that says

that breast cancer went from being one

of the top five good kinds to get

into the top three, so we're-we're trending up.

- Yay. - It's good news.

All right, we both agree we're not gonna let it

slip out to any one of the kids before Christmas.

Uh, you're the one that's heading for glass number three.

Oh, thought you weren't counting.

Then you stare up into the night sky...

Bam!

The sixth stage of grief.

Applause.

Get in there. Mom wants pictures.

Daniel, how's work going? You got any shows coming up?

Daniel, over here, ditched us to go

to be some big-time artsy-fartsy photographer

in New York City.

Fashion models,

male prostitutes, a lot of blurry stuff.

He's so talented.

I'm impressed.

Don't be. Right now, I'm just

assisting this guy Victor, who takes pictures

for the Restoration Hardware catalog, so...

Yeah, oh, yeah, maybe you guys have heard of Victor.

He's also someone whose dreams haven't panned out.

We can't all have the same job we had in high school.

Lifestyle choice.

Ah, that's work. Oh, I'm gonna take this.

- Sean, we're out of soda. - Check the garage.

- You're on beverages. - I'm on chips and napkins.

- He's losing it. It's actually sad. - Want a beer?

Sure.

So, um,

I believe we've got some accounting to do.

- What are you talking about? - The 86 cents you owe me.

Oh, no. You gave me that money.

Oh, is this really how you want to play it?

It actually is.

Well, then, you give me no choice.

Uncle Roger.

Danny, my boy.

Wow. You weren't kidding.

She's an absolute stunner.

We've done all right, us Moody men.

N-No, no, no, this is Cora.

- She's Marco's girlfriend. - Oh.

Uh, she was just asking me how to get here from, um...

Where is it you live again?

Um, Logan Square.

Oh, Logan Square. Ah, that's a pickle.

You probably took the expressway, right?

Well, next time think about scooting down Ashland.

- I'll go get us some beers. - Smooth sailing.

Unless there's a hockey game. Oh, boy.

Now you're gonna have to zigzag...

Wait, are you not drinking?

- I just want a water. - Are you sure?

There's a diet here with your name on it.

- I'm good with water. - You said that, uh,

with a bit of a thing on it.

No... no caffeine, no alcohol.

Oh, good Lord, are you pregnant?

- I'm not pregnant. - You liar. You knew?

I'm the oldest. How could you tell him first?

Are you seriously gonna make her pregnancy about me?

- I am the oldest. - I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant, okay? I'm the furthest thing

from pregnant.

Which-which would be?

Bridge, y-you...

- you okay? - No.

No, I'm not okay.

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I cheated on Doug.

When I was in Atlanta on business.

Mm.

Okay, I already feel like crap, so would you guys

just say something?

- I don't know. - Um...

W-Was it with another Asian guy?

What? No.

Yes.

Yeah, it was.

Can you...?

Heavenly Father, thank you

for having everybody here with us today

as we celebrate Dan's return

five days before we celebrate your son's birth.

My brother Roger and his fiancée...

- Mukta. - Mukta.

And, uh, Big Stan, of course.

- Honored, as always. - Mm-hmm. And Bridget

and my mom...

Hey, Dad, he's God. He knows who's here.

And, uh, please keep a close watch over us,

especially this year.

Amen.

So how did you two lovebirds meet?

Uh, at my boy Devon's wedding.

He gave a really sweet toast.

Yeah, the bride's grandfather was dying.

Low-hanging fruit.

Well, we have a funny story, too.

- Yeah? - This little kundalini

pulls into my place of business

in a 2011 Corolla.

I run the parts department at South Side Toyota.

Anyway, dated for a bit,

and, um, she got cold feet,

and then, we realized that she was, uh, pregnant.

- Oh, my God. - What?!

That's amazing.

- It's not mine. It's not mine. - What?

It's not mine. No, no.

No, no. But I'm gonna raise him like he's mine.

- To another Moody. - Thank you.

- Yeah, another Moody. - There we go.

- To another Moody. - Dan, Dan, I got you

- that wine that you like. - Annie Leibovitz

gets special wine?

Settle down. It's a $12 Malbec.

- It's a... Malbec? - Oh.

Oh, look out. Malbec's here,

- everybody. Malbec? - It's a Malbec over there!

Who the hell are you?

What did Brooklyn do to you?

Telling you right now,

you are gonna want to dig into

that Yorkshire pudding, 'cause I think

- it's my best batch I ever made. - Yeah.

Looks great, Dad, but, uh, I'm kind of off carbs right now.

- Kind of doing a keto diet. - Wha... A what-o diet?

That's stupid. Uh, Microbiome, they did a bunch of studies...

You kn... know what? Let's not

- make this a big deal. - Fake science. It's fake science.

Well, it's kind of a big deal

because I slaved over this meal and, you know,

you know, Big Stan doesn't eat fish. I'm not complaining.

Glad to have you here. And, you know, Bridget's off cheese, so...

I haven't eaten dairy since I was 12.

And I for one do not miss those farts.

- Okay, don't say that at the table. - That's horrifying.

Take the paint off a wall.

Dan, is this why you look so trim?

You look like a dancer.

Here, try it. It's so light and fluffy.

- I can't even describe it. - I'm good.

I don't want any. Come on.

Just try it. Try the pudding.

He doesn't want the pudding.

Eat the pudding. Eat the pudding.

- Eat the pudding. - Aw.

- Eat the pudding. - Gosh...

Eat the pudding.

- You don't have to eat the pudding. - All right, enough, enough, enough.

L-Leave him alone. The poor guy, his girlfriend just dumped him.

Just leave him alone.

- Ali? - Yeah, I just...

You said her dad was sick.

Are you serious? What is your problem?

- Hey. - Whoa.

Don't throw my rolls.

Come on. Keto, keto. I'm protecting your keto choices.

What did you do this time?

Why do you always assume it was my fault?

Well, there must be a reason why they keep running away

I mean, it's Ali, Sarah,

- the tall girl I liked. - Her name was Margaret.

- No, I think it was Kendall. - Okay, there was a Kendall.

But there was also a tall girl named Margaret.

And there was a short one who was a-always vaping.

- Brittany... Beth. - Rumpelstiltskin?

Oh, that must be my cookies.

Cookies? I brought pies.

It's okay. We're not gonna eat the cookies.

Welcome home, huh?

Yeah, they don't love that I moved away.

I was this close to going skiing with friends, you know?

- No, you weren't. - No, I wasn't.

So, uh, what do you?

Beside date my cousin?

I design jewelry. Look.

- Nice. - Which means I am a bartender,

a nanny and pretty much always broke.

Tell me about it. I guess,

in the back of my mind, I always thought I could just...

go to law school.

No. Don't say that.

I just lost a playwright friend to dental school.

- How old? - 27.

So young.

Take the LSATs.

- You don't have to go. - Mom, were you listening?

No. I was cleaning up.

- Right. - But you would have options.

Hey. Kitchen party, huh?

Sorry, gang. Bro time.

Just... I... I mean I need to talk to you.

Malbec, follow me.

Maybe Ali did me a favor.

I mean, s-she's a brand marketing consultant.

I'm not even 100% sure what that is.

- Yeah, but that Cora, right? - W-What? What?

I'm just surprised Marco hasn't kicked your ass yet.

Oh, come on. That's called being a good host.

Uh-huh, yeah. She's a beautiful woman.

I'll give you that. Here.

Put this on, there, Romeo.

What? No.

- What's going on? - We're tipping the scales

of justice for the working man.

Uh, I'm out.

This is, uh, this is starting

to feel like a felony.

Look, my boss owes me three weeks of overtime.

I need to send her a message. Plus, you owe me.

What for?

Abandoning me.

And leaving me to take care of our elderly parents.

Uh, they're taking care of you.

Especially Dad, who is always on my ass

about joining him the damn HVAC business.

- I'm not doing this. - Dan!

Take this boost and get up there.

You're very lucky I like to climb things.

There he is.

Okay, so you'll probably find out eventually,

but, uh, Marco and I

made out once when we were kids.

Yeah, he told me.

- Really? What did he say? - Babe.

- Can I talk to you for a sec? - Sure, what's up?

Hey, so a spot just opened up at the company box

for the Bulls game. CEO's gonna be there.

Could be some major face time,

blow him away with my hoop knowledge,

but I shouldn't go, right?

'Cause I'm at a holiday party with my girl.

- It's really okay. - No, it's not okay.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna abandon you here

with a bunch of people that you hardly even know,

even if it is the corporate box with the six-foot subs,

I'm not gonna do that.

Go. I'll take an Uber.

Not on my watch.

Be an honor for Mukta and I to drive you home.

I'll show you a few shortcuts,

but I'm gonna have to swear you to secrecy.

Last call for pie. No one's touched the pecan.

You got to admit it... this is a pretty fantastic crime.

- Can I drive? - That depends,

have you been naughty or nice?

Oh, okay. Here we go.

- Crap. - It's all good, it's all good.

Let me handle this.

How's it going, Santas?

Um...

Wh... R-Really?

Of course.

Hey. What's with the getup?

You're not... you're never gonna believe this.

Dan went a head and got himself arrested.

What? What do you mean, arrested?

Still trying to piece that together myself.

Hey, sponse, there's a cop out front.

- I'm-a lay low in the garage. - What the hell?

Crazy.

- I do not believe this. - Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Sean, I got... - Please, please, I got this.

Officer. Roger Moody. South Side Toyota.

We service your assault vehicles, so...

Roger, Roger. Enough.

This one stole a Zamboni.

- What? - What?! Tha...

That doesn't sound like our Danny boy.

- Hey there, Santa. - Officer, I'm an attorney.

I'll be handling this.

Oh, the owner's not pressing any charges, but whichever

one of you is Sean Moody, you're fired.

Okay, you tell Meg that, at the very least,

oh, yeah, this is going to arbitration.

- No, it's not. - You know, Dan,

we expect this from Sean.

- What the... hell? - Yeah.

But I cannot understand why you're having such a hard time

transitioning into adulthood.

Okay? You can't keep a relationship.

You're bouncing from job to job.

You're on this weird ballerina diet.

You got arrested in what could've been a class D felony.

I mean, you lied to us about Ali.

- You skipped my 56th birthday. - Mm-hmm.

Okay? Maybe New York is just too much for you.

No. No, no, I feel great in New York.

It's here that's too much for me.

- Here we go. - I didn't tell you about Ali

because I knew you'd just jump down my throat.

I got dumped.

N-Not one of you asked how I was doing.

We jump down your throat because that's our way of showing you

how much we love you, okay?

And-and asking you how you're doing.

- How you doing? - How are you doing?

Not good. Not good. Not good.

Well, we can see that.

You know what, may-maybe I shouldn't have come home this year.

Maybe I should've gone skiing with my friends.

No.

In fact, I'm, uh,

I'm gonna see if I can get a flight out, right now.

You're bailing, you Christmas coward?

Danny, wait.

If you're heading to the airport, take Oak Lawn to 45th.

There's construction on Pulaski.

- Thanks. - It's quicker.

Look at this.

- Open your eyes. - All right, guys.

Puppy.

- Oh, my gosh. - Yeah.

Puppy, puppy, puppy.

All right, guys.

All right, what're we gonna call him. Leon?

Leon? Okay.

Hey, guys, look, look at me.

Look how cute you were. Makes me want to have kids.

Merry Christmas.

Not going skiing, then?

Nah.

- Can't do that to my family. - Mm.

What's your excuse?

My boyfriend went to a basketball game

and left me here.

Ooh, ouch.

Got to love the holidays.

If it's any consolation...

I'm sorry. I-I...

That was... that was really stupid.

I shouldn't have done that. Um...

You probably shouldn't.

Yeah.

Nailed it!

Made the CEO laugh.

Beer came out his nose. It was awesome.

- Oh, hi. - What's up, cuz?

- Hey. - Ah!

Hey, I'm pretty sure I saw Scottie Pippen

- in the parking lot. - You did?

Yeah. I was like, "What's up, Scottie?"

And he was like... He didn't say nothing, but...

Oh, my God.

You've outdid yourself, man.

Is this crust homemade?

Who are you talking to?

Sean, the lights.

I took out the recycling.

Sean!

It's 24-7 around here.

I have cancer.

I'm not supposed to tell anybody.

Breast cancer, if you can believe it.

I'm having surgery right after New Year's.

Doctor says I should be fine by bikini season.

You must be scared.

Out of my mind.

Mmm. Mmm.

- The door. - Oh, hey.

- Oh, come on. - What?

I-I'm sorry. Are you t... Are you saying something?

Dan, it's 34 degrees outside.

Open the door.

Oh, I'm gonna...

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