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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,218 (clock ticking) 2 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,573 (ticking continues) 3 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:48,589 (rhythmic footsteps) 4 00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,443 (rhythmic footsteps grow louder) 5 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,647 (men whooping, whistling) 6 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,568 ("Strike up the Band" by George Gershwin playing) 7 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,576 (men whooping, whistling) 8 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,104 (rousing cheers from crowd) 9 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,499 ♪ ♪ 10 00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,506 -(music continues distantly) -SUSIE: Three hours 11 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,298 -for a person to do her hair. -MIDGE: So what? 12 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,721 SUSIE: We have got to work on this lateness thing. 13 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,389 MIDGE: I was not that late. 14 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,677 SUSIE: We were supposed to be here at 12:00. 15 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,680 -It's 12:30. -Now you're getting it. 16 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,722 -I'm not on first. -That's not the point. 17 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,636 If they call my name and I'm there, 18 00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:24,895 -then I am not late. -Yeah, that's not how lateness works. 19 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,307 -There's a clock involved. -Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. 20 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,896 Hey, don't go all Gershwin on me. 21 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,401 This is the big leagues, kid. 22 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,822 Got to start acting like professionals. 23 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,949 -So then where's your blazer? -What? 24 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,778 Your fancy new blazer. 25 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,533 You're scared to wear it. 26 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,155 How could I be scared of a fucking blazer? 27 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,831 Are you? 28 00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:43,960 -It's dry clean only. -This is the big leagues, kid. 29 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,918 -12:30 is fucking late. -Still tapping. 30 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,788 -(tap shoes marching) -SOLDIER: Present and accounted for, 31 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,795 -except Mrs. Maisel. -SERGEANT: What's a Mrs. Maisel? 32 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,507 SOLDIER: A singer, I assume, sir. 33 00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,217 -Who are you? -SUSIE and MIDGE: Mrs. Maisel. 34 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,837 -I just told him. -He was asking me. 35 00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,474 You're late. This is the Army, you're not supposed 36 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,470 -to be late in the Army. -I'll remember not to enlist. 37 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,852 -Hey, we are not late. -What? -What? 38 00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:02,349 We were told to be here at 12:30 and we're here at 12:30 39 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,731 on the dot, Miriam Maisel is never late. 40 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,187 -Aw, you lied for me. -Fuck you. 41 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,808 -There she is. -Sergeant Mitchell Burns. 42 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,185 Master of Ceremonies is Major Buck Brillstein. 43 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,112 For the purposes of this show, you will call him Buck. 44 00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,781 -Very reasonable. -He'll say your name. 45 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,609 Wave, smile and exit the other side of the stage. 46 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,574 Can I smile, wave instead of wave, smile? 47 00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:18,985 -You cannot. -So serious, Mitchell. 48 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,493 Where'd your little boy go? 49 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,374 -You mean Tom? -I-- No. 50 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,201 -No, who's Tom? -My little boy. 51 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,036 Abort, abort, abort. 52 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,041 Right, so I exit the stage. 53 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,543 Wait, I do? This isn't my set? 54 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,335 No. Just your intro. When you do go on, 55 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,878 you do 20 minutes, applause, bow, 56 00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,882 you introduce Shy Baldwin, you leave the stage, 57 00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:36,554 but stay close. At the end of the show, 58 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:38,092 everyone comes on for a chorus of "White Christmas" 59 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,925 and pictures with the troops. Yes? 60 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,810 W-What if I don't know "White Christmas?" 61 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,057 Who doesn't know "White Christmas?" 62 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,428 Well, me. I'm Jewish. 63 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,056 I mean, we don't-- 64 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,652 We celeb-- Oh, "White Christmas." Yes. 65 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,688 -Yes, I know "White Christmas." -Take her. 66 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,942 Hum a few bars? 67 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,574 Quite the grip you've got there. 68 00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,781 I'm not gonna make a run for it, I am here voluntarily. 69 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,321 -Take her. -Bye. 70 00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:01,865 Oh, I see this grip comes standard issue. 71 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:05,789 BUCK: Miss America 1959, Mary Ann Mobley. 72 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,289 You don't happen to know the words 73 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,711 to "White Christmas," do you? 74 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,829 BUCK: Everyone's favorite housewife, 75 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:12,166 Mrs. Maisel. 76 00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:15,011 -Go. -Hiya, boys! 77 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,927 BUCK: World hula hoop champion... 78 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,508 -Come. -Oh, my-- 79 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,012 My third soldier today. 80 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:24,894 This is how rumors get started. 81 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,232 Is this what they mean by "flyboys"? 82 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,767 -Hey. -Oy. 83 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,601 Sorry. I'm trying to-- 84 00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:32,306 What am I, your porter? Here. 85 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,816 I'm trying to find out some info here, 86 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,277 but unless you have boots and a buzz cut, 87 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,149 -nobody will look at you. -Maisel. 88 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,244 -Why didn't you answer? -I was waiting for you to answer. 89 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,909 -You go on at 1:30. -(sighs) 90 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,408 -You mean 1330. -1:30 is fine. 91 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,910 -I'm doing army time. -Good for you. 92 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,702 Be ready at one in case we're ahead of schedule. 93 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:48,825 Think you mean 1300 hours, right? 94 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:51,462 -Where can I get ready? -Just tell me I'm right. 95 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:52,880 -(man whistles) -Private Fielding, look alive. 96 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,668 Hey, I spent a week learning this shit. 97 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,552 -Take her to the green room. -It's the Army. 98 00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,338 Isn't every room a green room? 99 00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:00,052 -You've got to give up. -Never. 100 00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,846 Ooh. 101 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,824 (music ends) 102 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,861 (soldiers cheering, whistling) 103 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,657 (overlapping chatter) 104 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,080 How the fuck do I have these again? 105 00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,828 I need to change. 106 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,540 Oh, wait, sorry. 107 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,910 -This is ours. -But they told me 108 00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:32,366 to grab any open space. 109 00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:33,876 Oh, no, you have to sign up. Did you sign up? 110 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,917 No one told me to sign up. 111 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,211 Oh, you're so pretty. 112 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,764 Thank you. 113 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,757 And... managed. 114 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,969 -You just standing there? -Sorry. 115 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,100 So, rule number one for this performance? 116 00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:46,387 MIDGE: Don't say "fuck." 117 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,640 Rule number two for this performance? 118 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,061 MIDGE: Do not say "fuck." 119 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,889 -Dress. -And no dick jokes. 120 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,774 Army guys are sensitive about dick jokes. 121 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,021 That's why they're in the Army. 122 00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,863 How about big dick jokes? Catch. 123 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,608 What do you mean, big dick jokes? 124 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,900 You know, what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks 125 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,414 have in common? They're hard to find and incredibly lucky. 126 00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,867 Or, his dick was so big, the mohel had to bring a machete. 127 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:09,239 Or, his dick was bigger than Disneyland, 128 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,616 better rides, too. 129 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:12,252 Or, his dick was so big, 130 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,369 it wasn't a dick at all. It was a Richard. 131 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:18,336 Oh, oh! His dick was so big, even when he cheated on me, 132 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,958 his dick was the bigger dick. 133 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,415 (exhales) 134 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,295 -So no dick jokes. -Yeah, keep it clean. 135 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,512 You all good? I'm gonna to make a call. 136 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,351 MIDGE: I'm good, go. 137 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,386 ♪ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition ♪ 138 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,021 ♪ Praise the Lord ♪ 139 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,768 ♪ And pass the ammunition ♪ 140 00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:35,770 ♪ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition ♪ 141 00:06:35,813 --> 00:06:38,653 ♪ And we'll all stay free ♪ 142 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,780 ♪ Praise the Lord and swing into position ♪ 143 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,199 ♪ Can't... ♪ 144 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,823 Fred, phone. You got to order something. 145 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,075 We got Sanka. 146 00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:49,907 -He got Sanka. -Susie? 147 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,542 -You got 'em? -Yes, we got 'em 148 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,158 but we still don't understand the point here. 149 00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:55,075 The point, Fred, is I got to negotiate 150 00:06:55,124 --> 00:06:56,544 this touring contract for Midge. 151 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:57,963 And other than saying I'd like for her to go, 152 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,801 I don't know what the hell to ask for. 153 00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,377 And I don't want them to think they're dealing with a nobody. 154 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,921 So, just give me some comps. 155 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,755 Tell me what other comics at her level 156 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,510 made when they opened for someone like Shy Baldwin. 157 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,302 Okay, but this is a big favor we're doing for you here. 158 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,465 I had to sneak these contracts out in my bowling bag. 159 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,104 Now I don't have my bowling ball. 160 00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:13,931 Don't worry. Someday, I'm gonna be in a position 161 00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,186 to help you with something. 162 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:16,557 -(scoffs) -I will. 163 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,983 You don't think I will? 164 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,821 I don't know. You're so volatile. 165 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,187 Just read me some numbers 166 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:23,153 before I use your nutsack as a speed bag. 167 00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,953 Okay, Georgie Jessel made $10,000 a week 168 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,658 the last time he played the Blue Angel. 169 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,578 Too big. I need opening act numbers. 170 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,616 Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week. 171 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,450 -As an opening act? -No, for The Phil Silvers Show. 172 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,496 Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember the speed bag thing? 173 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,500 George Burns made $10 a week before he met Gracie Allen. 174 00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:41,382 George Burns made $10 a week in 1921. 175 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,090 -What would that be today? -$10. 176 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,760 -No, I mean in today's dollars. -$10. 177 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,089 Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred. 178 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,095 Hey, here's something, Murray Bringle made $300 179 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,507 opening for Lenny Fring. 180 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:54,595 Murray Bringle made $300 to open for Lenny Fring. 181 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,441 -Who's Murray Bringle? -I don't know. 182 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,846 -Who's Lenny Fring? -I don't know. 183 00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,515 KENNY: Tell her if she wants to be 184 00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,233 taken seriously, she needs a weird ask. 185 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,443 Yes. You need a weird ask. 186 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,993 What do you mean I need a weird ass? 187 00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:07,487 A weird ask. Something in your contract 188 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,199 that's specifically weird only to you. 189 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,069 Like, uh, all the pillows in your room 190 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,906 have to have a cat design on them. 191 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,541 -I'm not gonna do that. -You have to. 192 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,208 They'll never take you seriously if you don't. 193 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,416 (sighs) Well, how weird does it have to be? 194 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,707 Gleason needs two bottles of Old Forester Bourbon, 195 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,461 a well-done steak, and a Polaroid 196 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,502 of what the steak looked like before it was cooked. 197 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,416 George Burns has fresh flowers, Cuban cigars, 198 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:28,505 six pairs of socks, and a bowl of butter pats. 199 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,970 Lenny Fring had to have cheesecloth, 200 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,010 a length of rope, and a copy of Gray's Anatomy. 201 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:34,604 Wow. Now I really want to know this Lenny Fring. 202 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,230 Hey, would you mind blowing my brains out? 203 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,475 -(doo-wop music playing) -(cheering) 204 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,270 ♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪ 205 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,024 ♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪ 206 00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:46,776 ♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪ 207 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:50,528 ♪ We got a little cozy at the corner shop ♪ 208 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:53,992 ♪ We finished every drop, but then the boy says ♪ 209 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,084 ♪ "One more," gives me a look ♪ 210 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:59,369 ♪ That makes my stomach drop, somebody call the cops ♪ 211 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,004 ♪ 'Cause I can see I'm done for, oh ♪ 212 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:06,423 ♪ Shake it up and watch it bubble, he's gonna go ♪ 213 00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,843 ♪ And get us both in trouble ♪ 214 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,592 ♪ My baby's sweet from bottom to the top... ♪ 215 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,755 Quick, I need a pencil. 216 00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:17,474 Oh, uh... What did they say? 217 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:19,016 Don't talk. I'll forget. 218 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,059 Okay, what did those idiots say? 219 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:24,443 Uh, Gleason minus George 220 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,071 minus Gracie, 221 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:29,278 add back a Sahl and divide by Bringle. 222 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,029 -Who's Bringle? -He opened for Fring. 223 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,451 -Who's Fring? -Doesn't matter. 224 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,279 Okay, if my calculations are right, 225 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,584 seems like a guy opening for a Shy Baldwin 226 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,370 would make about $5,500 for six months. 227 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:42,373 Wow. So we ask for $5,500. 228 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:45,376 -No. We ask for $4,500. -Bringle got $5,500. 229 00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,799 -Well, Bringle's got a... -BOTH: Dick. 230 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:49,667 -Yeah. -But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me. 231 00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:51,125 -Really? That's a lot. -I know. 232 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:52,804 It would take me more than a year 233 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,303 to make that much at B. Altman. 234 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,264 I know. 450 bucks, 235 00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,175 plus I'll be subletting my apartment to Jackie. 236 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,733 This means I'm gonna be making the most money I made since... 237 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,767 ever. Since ever. 238 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,731 -So we sign. -Yes. 239 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,481 Oh, and we have to come up with something weird. 240 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,153 Like, you need baby goats in your dressing room, 241 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,441 or all your hand towels have to be from Windsor Castle. 242 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,445 Oh, can we get that? I would love that. 243 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,164 -You're still pretty. -Mrs. Maisel. 244 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,909 -Sir, yes, sir. -You're up. 245 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,752 1330 on the dot. 246 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,958 ♪ My baby's sweet from bottom to the top ♪ 247 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,919 -♪ So I don't want to stop ♪ -♪ Don't want to stop ♪ 248 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,460 ♪ Like a bottle of pop... ♪ 249 00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:31,844 (soldiers cheering) 250 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,682 ♪ Ooh ♪ 251 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,507 ♪ He's my bottle of pop. ♪ 252 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,013 (applause, cheering) 253 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,073 Once again, the Silver Belles! 254 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:53,147 Now I hope that you're ready to laugh because next up 255 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:55,565 is a very funny lady. 256 00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,244 She's gonna be opening up for Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour 257 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:02,793 that kicks off next month, and you get a preview right now. 258 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,999 Emphasis on the view, it is a good one. 259 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,541 (cheering) 260 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:13,125 So give a nice Army welcome for Mrs. Maisel! 261 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,183 -Tits up. -Tits up. 262 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,848 (cheering, whistling) 263 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,518 Hi! 264 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,730 Hi! Hi! 265 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,360 Hello! 266 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,856 Wow, wow, wow! 267 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:34,239 My goodness, that is a lot of khaki. 268 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,449 -(laughter) -And I just realized 269 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,198 it is actually a very flattering color for most skin tones. 270 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,699 I know you're relieved. 271 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,372 -(laughter) -I just want you to know 272 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,542 how much I admire you guys. 273 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,871 I could never be brave enough 274 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,883 to wear the same outfit every day. 275 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,035 (laughter, whooping) 276 00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:53,206 My brother toyed with joining the Army. 277 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,665 He loved the idea of serving his country, 278 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,045 but then he snapped a rubber band in his eye 279 00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,183 -and that was the end of that. -(laughter) 280 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:04,060 You guys have a lot of rules here, which I totally get. 281 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,519 You need rules. 282 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,599 Women learn rules from women's magazines. 283 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,265 I can't make a move without consulting 284 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,943 Family Circle or Harper's Bazaar. 285 00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:16,862 Otherwise, I'd have no idea what shade of red drives a man crazy. 286 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,453 Little hint: it's the one 287 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,488 with the least amount of fabric involved. 288 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,622 (whooping) 289 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,553 You guys don't have magazines like that, do you? 290 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:36,970 (laughter) 291 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,967 You could really use an Army Men's Monthly 292 00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:44,010 or Gunboat Daily. You know, you could read helpful articles 293 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,805 like, uh, "Fashion for Foxholes," 294 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,482 "Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz," 295 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,229 "How to Get Your Commanding Officer to Notice You." 296 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,822 Oh, oh, oh, here's one, 297 00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:57,279 "Camouflage: How to Stand Out While Blending In." 298 00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,489 (laughter) 299 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,818 And for you generals in the audience, 300 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,776 "How to Take Care of Your Privates." 301 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,834 (whooping) 302 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,714 Oh! Here's the best, 303 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,878 -"Killing Men and Loving It." -Funny little lady. 304 00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,627 She is. 305 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,628 You know, a lot of top-notch entertainers come through here. 306 00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,590 -Uh-huh. -Bob Hope played here. 307 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,131 Right on that stage. Milton Berle, been here twice. 308 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,635 You know how much you'd have to pay to see Bob Hope 309 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,597 -at the Copacabana? -A lot. 310 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,638 (scoffs) And then some. 311 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,771 Yeah, the army life is a good life. 312 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,308 Job security, three squares a day, excitement, travel. 313 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,314 -You like to travel? -Uh, sure. 314 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,936 It's a great organization. 315 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:38,152 Waking up every day, proud to be an American. 316 00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,783 Proud to serve your country, you know? 317 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,319 Do I? 318 00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:44,163 Well, have you ever thought about joining up? 319 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,239 Me? Oh, uh, no. 320 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:50,214 -Strong young man like yourself. -I'm not that young. 321 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,617 -Can you play the bugle? -I do not play the bugle. 322 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,126 Oh. We need a bugler. I just thought I'd ask. 323 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,878 -Ah, sorry. -You got the cheeks for it. 324 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,920 -Okay. -Well, doesn't matter. 325 00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:00,884 There's a place for everyone in the Army. 326 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:04,514 Plus, you get benefits up the ass. 327 00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,813 Well, I don't need anything up my ass at the moment, 328 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,266 -but thank you. -Think about it. 329 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,927 I will. 330 00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:13,476 It'll never leave my mind again. Trust me. 331 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,520 MIDGE: ...I feel nothing. 332 00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:20,736 You guys have your own language here. 333 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,397 It's so fun. A soldier said 334 00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,275 he was gonna go sit on the honey bucket, 335 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:27,242 and I was like, "I've been called a lot of things, pal..." 336 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,044 I almost smacked him. 337 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:32,037 So I got to keep out of trouble here. 338 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,125 Maybe you fellas could run some jargon by me? 339 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,707 Make sure I understand it. 340 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,132 What are some of your other phrases? 341 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,800 SOLDIER 1: Direct support. 342 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,169 Too easy. That's what I'm wearing 343 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,675 under my dress right now. 344 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,014 SOLDIER 2: Zone of action. 345 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,635 Everything not covered by the direct support I'm wearing. 346 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,194 SOLIDER 3: Rear guard. 347 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,477 -Diaper cream. -SOLDIER 4: Attack position. 348 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,611 SOLDIER 5: Friendly fire. 349 00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,397 A cute redhead. 350 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,822 -SOLDIER 6: Frontal fire. -Shock action. 351 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,661 Frontal fire and shock action? 352 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,817 Isn't frontal fire what you contract 353 00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:10,236 when you have shock action with the wrong girl overseas? 354 00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,374 (soldier shouts) 355 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,134 -Huh? -SOLDIER 7: Withdrawal. 356 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,167 Congratulations, you're a daddy. 357 00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,844 Oh, boy. 358 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:29,051 Well, you sure know how to make a girl feel welcome. 359 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,805 That's all for me today. 360 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,307 I'm Mrs. Maisel. You boys stay safe out there, 361 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,980 'cause you're just too cute to lose. 362 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,598 Thank you and good night. 363 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,395 Thank you. 364 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,614 Thank you. Thank you. 365 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,832 What? 366 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,581 Oh, shit, sorry. 367 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,672 Hi. Remember me? I'm back. Uh, I completely forgot 368 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,461 to introduce Shy Baldwin. 369 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:07,176 (cheering, applause) 370 00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,007 Thank you. I mean, he thanks you. 371 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:11,102 Uh, he's so great. A terrific singer 372 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,597 and such a nice guy, and he gave me my break. 373 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,680 So... here he is. 374 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,815 We're gonna work on that. 375 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:32,329 -So, what have we learned? -What? 376 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,247 Even when you do have a stroke, you do it adorably. 377 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,286 ♪ ♪ 378 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,705 ♪ The stars shine ♪ 379 00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,631 ♪ Your eyes catch mine ♪ 380 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,550 ♪ And your light is all I can see ♪ 381 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:49,549 ♪ Could there be one less angel ♪ 382 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,552 ♪ In heaven ♪ 383 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,474 ♪ Counting one less angel ♪ 384 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,313 ♪ In heaven ♪ 385 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,268 ♪ Must be one less angel ♪ 386 00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,268 ♪ In heaven ♪ 387 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:02,770 ♪ 'Cause you're here smiling at me ♪ 388 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,648 ♪ The strings play ♪ 389 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,244 ♪ You move my way ♪ 390 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:12,199 ♪ I'm soaring, now I guarantee ♪ 391 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,780 ♪ There must be one less angel ♪ 392 00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,536 ♪ In heaven ♪ 393 00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,999 ♪ Don't tell one less angel in heaven ♪ 394 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,000 ♪ Must be one less angel ♪ 395 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,842 ♪ In heaven ♪ 396 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,469 ♪ 'Cause look who's dancing with me ♪ 397 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:33,217 ♪ Oh, now I'm scared ♪ 398 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:35,511 ♪ I'm scared to close my eyes ♪ 399 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,765 ♪ And open them to find you've flown away ♪ 400 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,848 ♪ I know that I should keep ♪ 401 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,614 ♪ My feelings in disguise ♪ 402 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,606 ♪ But, darling, there is something ♪ 403 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,778 ♪ That I've got to say ♪ 404 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,937 ♪ My baby, my angel ♪ 405 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,946 ♪ Now please won't you stay ♪ 406 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,698 ♪ My heart stops ♪ 407 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,830 ♪ The music drops ♪ 408 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,197 ♪ The world falls away suddenly ♪ 409 00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,914 -♪ Oh ♪ -♪ There must be ♪ 410 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:03,504 ♪ One angel less in heaven ♪ 411 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:07,251 ♪ There was one less angel in heaven ♪ 412 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,125 ♪ My baby said yes ♪ 413 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,632 ♪ I'm in heaven ♪ 414 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,684 ♪ My angel loves me ♪ 415 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,758 ♪ She said she loves me ♪ 416 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:18,314 ♪ Oh, that's heaven to me ♪ 417 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,558 ♪ That's ♪ 418 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,809 ♪ Heaven to me ♪ 419 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,522 ♪ That's heaven to me. ♪ 420 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,779 SHIRLEY: And we bought it from the sweetest old lady. 421 00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:35,702 MOSKOWITZ: The house is wonderful, Mrs. Maisel. 422 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,080 SHIRLEY: It's my dream home. 423 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,946 My absolute dream home. 424 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:42,213 Moishe promised that one day we'd have a home just like this. 425 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,247 In Queens. 426 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,749 MOISHE: It's got a great tree. 427 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,211 A man is not a man until he's got a tree. 428 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:50,002 Wait. Moishe. Where's the kitchen? 429 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,586 There's no kitchen on these plans. 430 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,341 What did that bitch do with our kitchen? 431 00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,133 You're looking on the second floor, Shirl. 432 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,586 -Look on the first floor. -Oh. 433 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,466 Hey. You still looking for a club, right? 434 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,893 -Looking, not finding. -I heard about a place. 435 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:03,142 I want no part of your dastardly schemes. 436 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:06,194 It's my button guy, he's been using this space for storage 437 00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:08,149 for 20 years and he just gave it up. 438 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,399 He's a bigger deal now-- got into zippers. 439 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,691 Said it was a club once. 440 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,404 Uh, still has a stage and a bar, 441 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,744 -there's even furniture. -Really? 442 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,069 Great downtown location, surrounded by subways. 443 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,405 And it's not a dump? All I've seen are dumps. 444 00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:20,660 Teardowns. 445 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:22,292 I'm fixing this place up myself, 446 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,118 got to keep power tools to a minimum. 447 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,423 I'll get you the address. Go see for yourself. 448 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,076 Daddy, another lady left her lipstick. 449 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,206 -Thanks, kiddo. -Go check it out. 450 00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,213 -Say it again. -We're gonna live in Queens! 451 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,716 Yes! Yes. Yes. 452 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,394 (cheering) 453 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,403 ♪ Ah ♪ 454 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:59,199 ♪ Our homeward step ♪ 455 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,740 ♪ Was just as light ♪ 456 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,294 ♪ As the tap dancing feet ♪ 457 00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,119 ♪ Of Astaire ♪ 458 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:09,254 ♪ And like an echo ♪ 459 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,752 ♪ Far away ♪ 460 00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:14,424 ♪ A nightingale sang ♪ 461 00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:17,634 ♪ In Berkeley Square ♪ 462 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,176 ♪ I know ♪ 463 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:25,100 ♪ 'Cause I was there ♪ 464 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:29,521 ♪ That night in Berkeley ♪ 465 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,862 ♪ Square ♪ 466 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,068 -(whoops) -(cheering, applause) 467 00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:36,108 Really? 468 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,906 Thank you very much. 469 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:54,054 BUCK: That's the great Shy Baldwin! 470 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:57,257 I am so sorry about the introduction, Shy. 471 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,338 I promise I will never do that again. 472 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,974 Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates. 473 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,350 I promise she will never do that again. 474 00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:03,717 Susie is my manager. 475 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,473 -Oh, nice to meet you. -Yeah, you too. 476 00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,805 Hey, question: were you ever fat? 477 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,190 -No. -You sound fat on your albums. 478 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,898 Shy, I don't what happened to the mic stand. 479 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,688 It's the Army. 480 00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:16,031 If you can't kill someone with it, they-they don't care. 481 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,197 -Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson. -Ah... 482 00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:21,357 -This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz. -Hello. 483 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,866 Myerson. You're the one I've been talking to six times a day. 484 00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:26,039 -And you're Lou? -Yes. 485 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,747 Hmm. You don't sound bald. 486 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,537 Thank you. So, it's nice to have you with us. 487 00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:32,581 Everything good? You need anything? 488 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,285 Here. Once the tour starts, 489 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:36,876 you'll have your regular weekly per diem. 490 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,971 But for now, let Uncle Lou. 491 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,427 That's for cab fare, train fare, candy bars, 492 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:43,637 hair pins, feminine products, whatever you need. 493 00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:44,798 -Well, thank you, Lou. -You're welcome. 494 00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,506 I need that contract. 495 00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:49,176 Uh, we will be countering soon. And more than once. 496 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,765 But not too much more, but more. 497 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,350 And we got some really weird asks, so be ready. 498 00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:57,978 We are both total idiots today. 499 00:21:58,026 --> 00:22:00,106 All right, now I think it's time you boys sing for your supper. 500 00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,243 -What do you say? -SOLDIERS: Yeah! 501 00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:04,571 Shall I leave you two alone? 502 00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:07,075 I just love money. You know? 503 00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:10,118 Smells great. Feels great. It looks great. 504 00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:12,753 Just be careful. It can break your heart. 505 00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,750 Hey, where's that pay phone? I need to make a call. 506 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,802 -BUCK: ...spreading peace, not war. -(cheer) 507 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,377 I need a volunteer. 508 00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,382 (all clamoring) 509 00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:22,764 (phone ringing) 510 00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:28,682 Hold on. 511 00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:32,483 Ethan. Not the floor. 512 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:34,148 -Hello? -Bad time? 513 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:36,227 No, it's not a bad time. 514 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,942 Ethan, not the furniture! 515 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,112 Do I want to know? 516 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,110 He discovered the Maisel and Roth stamp. 517 00:22:41,152 --> 00:22:42,572 -Oh, boy. -Yes. Well, 518 00:22:42,612 --> 00:22:44,702 maybe he'll be postmaster general someday. 519 00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:45,989 One can hope. 520 00:22:48,326 --> 00:22:49,906 So, how are you? 521 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:51,542 Uh, a little crazy. 522 00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:54,754 -Where are you? -What? Why? 523 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,751 -Is it a secret? -No, it is not. 524 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,003 I just hear voices. 525 00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:00,384 I'm doing a USO show today. 526 00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:02,591 Here in the city. Warm-up gig before the tour. 527 00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:03,972 -You go on yet? -I did. 528 00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:05,008 You knock 'em dead? 529 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,591 I did. Literally. 530 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:08,466 Bumped into a missile and blew up the barracks. (chuckles) 531 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:12,773 -So... -Ethan, 532 00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:14,889 -not your sister! -(Esther cries) 533 00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,396 (sighs) Go ahead. 534 00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:19,017 I'm sorry I snuck out the other night. 535 00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:21,185 -That's okay. -I just had to get up early, 536 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,034 and you were sleeping so soundly. 537 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,279 No explanation needed. 538 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,740 Okay. Good. 539 00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:28,701 I didn't want you to feel stiffed. 540 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:31,161 I mean, earlier in the night I did want you to feel stiffed, 541 00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:32,252 but not stiffed, like... 542 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,826 Really, it's no big deal at all. 543 00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:36,542 Okay. 544 00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,501 I just noticed... 545 00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:41,705 What? 546 00:23:41,754 --> 00:23:43,764 You didn't call. 547 00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:45,879 You didn't call, either. 548 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:48,715 I know. I just thought you'd call. 549 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:50,891 Well, I didn't think there was anything to call about. 550 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,680 Zelda was gonna bring the kids over the next day. 551 00:23:52,723 --> 00:23:54,103 I was gonna drop them off on Wednesday. 552 00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:57,022 -I know the schedule. -So why would I call? 553 00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:00,610 -Midge? -Yes? 554 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,278 You mad? 555 00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:04,236 -Nope. -Did I do something wrong? 556 00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,487 No. You did everything right. 557 00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:08,199 Twice. S-so thanks for that. 558 00:24:08,239 --> 00:24:10,619 -(Esther fussing) -Hey. You said one night. 559 00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:11,698 And I heard you. 560 00:24:11,742 --> 00:24:13,492 I just thought you'd follow up. 561 00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:14,746 Something happens, you follow up. 562 00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:15,907 A guy comes to fix your dishwasher, 563 00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:16,955 he calls later to follow up. 564 00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:18,618 -No, he doesn't. -Yes, he does. 565 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,916 Midge, no dishwasher repairman in the world 566 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,170 calls later to follow up. 567 00:24:22,211 --> 00:24:23,501 Well, when our dishwasher broke, 568 00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:24,756 the guy called later to follow up, 569 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,007 and I appreciated it. 570 00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:27,298 If he did call to follow up, 571 00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,181 it wasn't on the state of the dishwasher. 572 00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:31,138 Oh, so now I fucked the dishwasher repairman? 573 00:24:31,179 --> 00:24:32,349 -Is that what you're implying? -No. 574 00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:34,018 I'm saying that a dishwasher repairman 575 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,556 doesn't give a shit about your dishwasher 576 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,690 -the minute he leaves the house. -Oh, so that's it. 577 00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:39,347 You don't care about my dishwasher anymore? 578 00:24:39,395 --> 00:24:41,185 If it works or doesn't work, it means nothing to you at all. 579 00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:43,070 I am not a dishwasher repairman, Midge! 580 00:24:43,107 --> 00:24:44,527 If you know anything about me, 581 00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,187 it's not that I cannot repair a fucking dishwasher! 582 00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:47,855 I know you can't repair a dishwasher. 583 00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,824 -That wasn't what I was saying. -Well, what were you saying? 584 00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:53,454 I don't know. I've totally lost the thread of this conversation. 585 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,542 You made it very, very clear: one night only. 586 00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:58,409 I was not supposed to think it was anything 587 00:24:58,456 --> 00:25:00,246 more than it was. So I didn't. 588 00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,341 I took you at your word and kept to the script. 589 00:25:02,376 --> 00:25:03,746 I did what you asked me to do. 590 00:25:04,795 --> 00:25:07,375 I just thought you'd call. 591 00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:11,589 Did you want me to call? 592 00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:14,886 Did you change your mind? 593 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,559 I'm not mad. 594 00:25:23,606 --> 00:25:26,686 Listen... I have to go. 595 00:25:26,734 --> 00:25:28,784 Ethan's found the packing tape, 596 00:25:28,819 --> 00:25:30,949 and I don't know where Esther is. 597 00:25:30,988 --> 00:25:32,988 -I'll call you later. -Bye. 598 00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:44,127 (knock on door) 599 00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:46,918 BUCK (imitating female voice): Who is it? 600 00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:50,633 -(soldiers laughing) -It's me. 601 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,644 (cheering, whistling, applause) 602 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,360 (gasps) 603 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,440 Hello, darling! Mm. 604 00:26:10,486 --> 00:26:12,196 (whooping) 605 00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:15,278 Flowers? 606 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,704 You had sex with my sister? 607 00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:19,753 (speaking Chinese) 608 00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:38,095 So, just to be clear, this is Chinatown. 609 00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:39,559 Yes, this is Chinatown. 610 00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:41,638 Something that Pop did not mention. 611 00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:44,354 Excuse me. This is 227 Bayard Street. 612 00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,595 -Yes? -Bayard. 613 00:26:45,646 --> 00:26:48,106 (speaking Chinese) 614 00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:49,529 I don't think he speaks English. 615 00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:52,397 What would I do without you, Mrs. Moskowitz. 616 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:54,065 It's a mess, but the bones are good. 617 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:55,453 The bones are very good. 618 00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:56,819 Chinatown. You think people will come 619 00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:58,526 to a club in Chinatown? 620 00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,696 -If the drinks are strong and the music's hot. -(chuckles) 621 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:03,956 -(speaking Chinese) -Thank you. 622 00:27:03,998 --> 00:27:05,078 Must be the lease. 623 00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:08,504 -In Chinese? -And English. Thank God. 624 00:27:08,544 --> 00:27:11,344 There's a dead rat over here. We'd have to get rid of that. 625 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:13,630 Geez, is that really the price? It's good. 626 00:27:13,674 --> 00:27:16,514 Whoa! Here's another one. Poor thing. 627 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:17,642 He choked on a button. 628 00:27:17,678 --> 00:27:19,718 And the price is locked in for five years? 629 00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:23,684 Uh... immediate occupancy? I could take it now? 630 00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:27,356 -(chuckles) -I think I could take it now. 631 00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:30,686 I can't tell if I'm a genius or an idiot. 632 00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:32,493 Well, what do you think? 633 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:33,776 We've seen a lot of shitholes. 634 00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:35,609 At least this one comes with a bar, a stage, 635 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,204 and some wildlife. 636 00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,949 Your optimism is contagious, Mrs. Moskowitz. 637 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,830 Who doesn't like wildlife, right? 638 00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:46,922 You know what? I'll take it. 639 00:27:46,957 --> 00:27:48,327 (man chuckles) 640 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:52,508 ♪ ♪ 641 00:27:55,132 --> 00:27:59,642 ALL: ♪ I'm dreaming of ♪ 642 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:03,308 ♪ A white Christmas ♪ 643 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,769 ♪ Just like the ones ♪ 644 00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:09,360 ♪ I used to know ♪ 645 00:28:09,397 --> 00:28:11,017 ♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪ 646 00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:16,649 ♪ And children listen ♪ 647 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:20,825 ♪ To hear sleigh bells in the snow ♪ 648 00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,736 (off-key): ♪ Snow ♪ 649 00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:25,865 ♪ I'm ♪ 650 00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:27,873 ♪ Dreaming of a ♪ 651 00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:31,625 ♪ White Christmas ♪ -♪ MIDGE: ...mas ♪ 652 00:28:31,669 --> 00:28:36,049 ♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪ 653 00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:38,931 ♪ May your days ♪ 654 00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:41,388 ♪ Be merry ♪ 655 00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:45,349 ♪ And bright ♪ 656 00:28:45,391 --> 00:28:48,851 ♪ And may all your ♪ 657 00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:51,314 ♪ Christmases ♪ 658 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:55,525 ♪ Be white. ♪ 659 00:28:55,568 --> 00:28:57,858 (cheering) 660 00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:00,743 BUCK: That's all for us, tonight, fellas. 661 00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:03,831 You stay safe, 662 00:29:03,868 --> 00:29:06,408 and God bless America! 663 00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,392 Can I have a picture, Mrs. Maisel? 664 00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:29,814 -Me, too. -Easy, boys. 665 00:29:29,852 --> 00:29:31,402 -You'll bruise the merchandise. -Hey, let's throw you 666 00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:33,477 -in the jeep for a shot with some of the men. -Sure. 667 00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:34,942 Yeah, nothing like a heartwarming 668 00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:37,612 Christmas time gangbang photo to send home to the family. 669 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,651 A photo in the jeep will be fine. 670 00:29:42,907 --> 00:29:46,827 Okay, everyone, say, "Government cheese!" 671 00:29:46,869 --> 00:29:48,909 -SOLDIERS: Government cheese! -Ooh! (laughs) 672 00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:50,214 Merry Christmas, fellas. 673 00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:52,827 -Better get one more. -Huh? 674 00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,625 ALL: Government cheese! 675 00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:55,838 Got it. 676 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,798 Thank you, boys. Have a great Christmas. 677 00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:00,719 -Whew. -Good job today. 678 00:30:00,758 --> 00:30:02,888 Thanks, Mitchell. Good luck invading Cuba. 679 00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:04,547 We'll see you tonight at 1900 hours. 680 00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:06,925 -Oh, now you do army time. -What time is 1900 hours? 681 00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:08,142 -6:00. -7:00. 682 00:30:08,182 --> 00:30:09,892 -Fuck. -And what's happening then? 683 00:30:09,934 --> 00:30:11,774 There's a dance at the canteen for the boys. 684 00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:14,360 We like everyone to go, all the talent. 685 00:30:14,396 --> 00:30:15,766 Did you know about this? 686 00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,614 No one ever mentioned a canteen dance. 687 00:30:17,650 --> 00:30:19,490 -What do you think? -I don't have an outfit. 688 00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:20,947 There's one right there on your body. 689 00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:23,356 -Everyone's already seen it. -Then wear the one you came in. 690 00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:24,905 That's a traveling outfit. 691 00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:27,159 You know these guys don't give a shit what you're wearing, right? 692 00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:28,831 They're all picturing you without your clothes on anyway. 693 00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:31,829 I'm representing Shy. I have to look a certain way. 694 00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:33,672 Look, I've yet to win a clothing argument, 695 00:30:33,707 --> 00:30:35,827 -so it ain't gonna happen. -But it's tradition. 696 00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:37,996 It's for the boys. 697 00:30:38,045 --> 00:30:41,165 I guess I could go home and grab an outfit. 698 00:30:41,215 --> 00:30:43,675 -Can someone give us a ride? -I can arrange that. 699 00:30:43,717 --> 00:30:45,087 -Private Lawrence. -I think I'm gonna stay here 700 00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:46,505 and wait for you. 701 00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:48,974 You sure you don't want to go home and grab your fancy blazer? 702 00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:50,684 -For the boys? -Don't want to overwhelm them. 703 00:30:50,724 --> 00:30:53,814 Okay. Be back as soon as I can. 704 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,232 Goddamn it. 705 00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:57,151 ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Susie Myerson. 706 00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,279 Phone call for Susie Myerson. 707 00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:04,358 Susie Myerson. 708 00:31:04,405 --> 00:31:05,735 JACKIE: Oh, there you are. 709 00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:07,371 I've been looking everywhere for you. 710 00:31:07,408 --> 00:31:08,578 I'm over at your apartment. 711 00:31:08,617 --> 00:31:10,037 What the hell are you doing at my apartment? 712 00:31:10,077 --> 00:31:11,997 I'm getting the place ready for my sublet. 713 00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:13,577 You don't expect me to live like you do. 714 00:31:13,622 --> 00:31:15,002 Get out of my apartment. 715 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:16,540 Relax. I'm just taking some measurements. 716 00:31:16,584 --> 00:31:17,754 For what? 717 00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:19,963 You need drapes. The whole fucking street 718 00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:22,094 can watch you do whatever weird shit you do. 719 00:31:22,131 --> 00:31:25,381 -No drapes. -It's too sad. There's no feminine touch. 720 00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:26,836 -Jackie! -Anyhow, 721 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,845 I'm here and someone shows up who wants to talk to you. 722 00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,888 Who? Jackie. 723 00:31:31,932 --> 00:31:33,352 Jackie? 724 00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:35,142 Who? 725 00:31:35,185 --> 00:31:36,555 Why do you live here? 726 00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:38,404 Let me rephrase that. 727 00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:41,939 You don't live here. Not anymore. I forbid it. 728 00:31:41,984 --> 00:31:43,114 -Sophie. -I am 729 00:31:43,152 --> 00:31:44,282 furious with you. 730 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,490 -It's rent-controlled. -Not about that. 731 00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,870 -I know I owe you a call. -A call? You owe me a call? 732 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,408 I asked you to be my manager. 733 00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,122 You owe me more than a call. 734 00:31:53,162 --> 00:31:55,332 -Your manager? No shit? -Never speak again. 735 00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:58,582 I offered you the chance of a lifetime, 736 00:31:58,626 --> 00:32:01,586 and then I sat by the phone like a virgin on prom night. 737 00:32:01,629 --> 00:32:03,419 Finally, I realized you were not going to call. 738 00:32:03,464 --> 00:32:04,634 I was gonna call. 739 00:32:04,673 --> 00:32:06,933 So I had to come to you. 740 00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:09,137 Here. 741 00:32:09,178 --> 00:32:11,598 Below 14th Street. 742 00:32:11,639 --> 00:32:14,099 I had to walk down stairs. I had to 743 00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:16,231 touch a doorknob that was alive. 744 00:32:16,268 --> 00:32:18,398 I had to talk to your husband. 745 00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,437 -He's not my fucking husband! -I'm not her husband. 746 00:32:20,481 --> 00:32:21,821 -Give me a fucking heart attack. -Christ, my fucking heart. 747 00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:24,067 Well, why is someone who is not your husband 748 00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:26,319 neck-deep in my fur? 749 00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:29,492 -Can't answer that. -It's freezing in here. 750 00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,331 It is freezing in here. 751 00:32:31,367 --> 00:32:34,497 Sophie, I'm sorry, really, but can I call you back later? 752 00:32:34,536 --> 00:32:36,286 -Where are you? -At a USO show. 753 00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:38,710 -I don't do USO shows. -It's not for you. 754 00:32:38,749 --> 00:32:40,039 Well, then I don't want to hear about it 755 00:32:40,084 --> 00:32:42,424 or any other excuse you might be conjuring up. 756 00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:44,551 I don't give a flying merde. 757 00:32:44,588 --> 00:32:46,338 Do you understand 758 00:32:46,382 --> 00:32:48,052 who I am? 759 00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:50,552 What I am to this business? 760 00:32:50,594 --> 00:32:54,064 -I do. -And yet you made me track you down. 761 00:32:54,098 --> 00:32:56,678 The last time I had to track someone down 762 00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:58,845 was to tell Desi Arnaz he gave me the clap. 763 00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:01,904 I'm sorry, about this and the clap. 764 00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:04,979 The clap was worth it. This isn't. 765 00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:08,695 Now I have been patient, and I'm out of patience. 766 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:12,367 I want an answer to my question and I want it right now. 767 00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:13,778 Are you my manager 768 00:33:13,826 --> 00:33:17,156 or are you not? 769 00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:19,464 ABE: Rose, I don't understand why... 770 00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,168 -(banging) -What is that? 771 00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:23,458 -I demand you tell me exactly what you... -(bang) 772 00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:25,632 Okay, maybe demand's too strong. 773 00:33:25,671 --> 00:33:28,131 I want you to see what our lives cost. 774 00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:31,093 I know what it cost, and you're smoking in the house. 775 00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:32,545 How much does Zelda make? 776 00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,644 Zelda makes $30 a week. 777 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,560 -Wrong. -What do you mean wrong? 778 00:33:36,598 --> 00:33:38,478 You can't just say "wrong" to me. 779 00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,597 Zelda makes $60 a week. 780 00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:43,024 That's impossible. I pay her $30. 781 00:33:43,063 --> 00:33:45,523 -And then I pay her the rest. -With what? 782 00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:46,976 With the money from my trust fund. 783 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,697 You really think we live like this on your salary? 784 00:33:51,739 --> 00:33:55,159 You really think that Miriam has all those fabulous clothes 785 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,080 because you were a professor at Columbia? 786 00:33:57,119 --> 00:34:00,909 The vacations, the dinners, the cocktail parties-- 787 00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:02,616 you think all that exists 788 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:04,916 because you taught eight hyper-intelligent, 789 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,840 emotionally-retarded eunuchs to draw symbols on a chalkboard. 790 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,920 I think you're oversimplifying my classes. 791 00:34:09,965 --> 00:34:12,625 Do you know one other professor who lives the way we do? 792 00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:15,716 -Milk is 49 cents a gallon? -Not one. 793 00:34:15,763 --> 00:34:18,893 They all have drab clothes and gray skin and they die young. 794 00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:22,062 You're telling me that you paid for all of these things 795 00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,902 -out of your trust fund? -Yes. 796 00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:25,977 You told me that trust fund was just there 797 00:34:26,023 --> 00:34:27,193 to buy me birthday presents. 798 00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:28,532 Well, happy fucking birthday, Abe. 799 00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:30,527 Now cut the crap and go get our lives back. 800 00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:33,112 This is ridiculous. 801 00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:36,115 All this talk is about 802 00:34:36,158 --> 00:34:37,868 possessions and things. 803 00:34:37,910 --> 00:34:40,580 I mean, look at this apartment. 804 00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:42,371 Who needs all these rooms? 805 00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:44,084 A living room, a dining room, 806 00:34:44,124 --> 00:34:46,384 a kitchen, two bathrooms. 807 00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,418 I have a room, you have a room, 808 00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:50,712 Miriam has a room, her children have a room. 809 00:34:50,756 --> 00:34:53,626 And the coup de grâce: this whole room 810 00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:55,715 is for our daughter's clothes. 811 00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:59,351 Clothes and clothes 812 00:34:59,389 --> 00:35:01,269 and more clothes and... 813 00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:05,398 I was never a materialistic man, Rose. 814 00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:08,567 I cared about science and thought 815 00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:11,147 and bettering mankind. Now look at me. 816 00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:12,993 I'm wearing two sweaters. 817 00:35:13,028 --> 00:35:15,028 Rose, tell me, 818 00:35:15,072 --> 00:35:16,452 when did I become a man 819 00:35:16,490 --> 00:35:19,450 who needs five bedrooms? 820 00:35:19,493 --> 00:35:23,373 When did I become a man who-who needs a linen closet? 821 00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:25,623 When did I become a man who has a maid? 822 00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:27,666 When did I change? 823 00:35:27,709 --> 00:35:29,589 When did I become this selfish, 824 00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:31,918 materialistic man? 825 00:35:31,964 --> 00:35:34,974 Th-The kind of man I used to despise. 826 00:35:35,008 --> 00:35:37,508 -When you married me. -I didn't say that! 827 00:35:37,553 --> 00:35:38,803 Hi, it's me! 828 00:35:38,846 --> 00:35:41,176 I just have to change and get back to the airfield. 829 00:35:41,223 --> 00:35:42,523 Hey, what happened to my clothes? 830 00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:44,558 Have you worn all these dresses? 831 00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:46,101 -Have I... -Because I don't think 832 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:49,484 you've been on Earth long enough even at a rate of two per day. 833 00:35:49,523 --> 00:35:52,323 -Okay, what is happening? -What do you mean, "What is happening"? 834 00:35:52,359 --> 00:35:53,989 -Have you not been paying attention? -She never pays attention. 835 00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:55,317 Our whole lives are going down the toilet. 836 00:35:55,362 --> 00:35:57,662 -Where the hell have you been? -She's been out. 837 00:35:57,698 --> 00:35:59,158 Doing whatever it is she does at night. 838 00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:00,909 Oh, and I suppose that's my fault, too. 839 00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,911 -You know what I'm doing at night. -If you hadn't met me, 840 00:36:02,953 --> 00:36:04,123 then I wouldn't be Miriam's mother 841 00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:05,792 and she wouldn't be turning to prostitution 842 00:36:05,831 --> 00:36:08,001 -instead of being married. -I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic. 843 00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,751 -Is there a difference? -Yes, prostitutes get paid more. 844 00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:11,964 Hilarious. 845 00:36:12,004 --> 00:36:14,304 -You should go into comedy. -I did. 846 00:36:14,339 --> 00:36:16,719 I can't deal with you now. I have enough to worry about. 847 00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:18,178 Yes. You have to figure out where we're gonna live. 848 00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:19,258 -Okay. -How we're gonna pay for it. 849 00:36:19,303 --> 00:36:20,893 -Enough. -And the going rate of Zelda. 850 00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:23,019 -So you took it out on my clothes? -He saved you the trouble. 851 00:36:23,056 --> 00:36:25,016 You have to move them anyway because this is not 852 00:36:25,058 --> 00:36:28,228 -our home anymore. -It was never ours. Columbia always owned it. 853 00:36:28,270 --> 00:36:29,810 We would've had to move eventually. 854 00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:32,225 -Yes, when we died. -Still, a deadline. 855 00:36:32,274 --> 00:36:33,654 -Oh. -Blue dress, blue dress. 856 00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:36,362 -What are you doing? -I need a dress for tonight. 857 00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:38,913 You see? Selfish. That's the daughter that we raised. 858 00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:40,697 Now wait a minute, don't turn 859 00:36:40,741 --> 00:36:42,411 whatever this fight is around on me. 860 00:36:42,451 --> 00:36:44,161 I am hardly the selfish one here. 861 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,832 What does that mean? 862 00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:47,711 I couldn't believe it when Mama told me what you did. 863 00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:49,958 -What I did when? -Columbia? Quitting? 864 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,380 Giving up the apartment? I am still in shock. 865 00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:54,379 That situation has nothing to do with you. 866 00:36:54,421 --> 00:36:56,301 What are you talking about? I live here. 867 00:36:56,340 --> 00:36:57,760 My children live here. 868 00:36:57,799 --> 00:36:59,379 But you shouldn't be living here, should you? 869 00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:00,586 You shouldn't be living here, 870 00:37:00,636 --> 00:37:01,846 your children shouldn't be living here. 871 00:37:01,887 --> 00:37:03,307 You should be living with your husband, 872 00:37:03,347 --> 00:37:06,307 -at your own place. -My husband walked out. 873 00:37:06,350 --> 00:37:08,060 Sure, but then another one walked in. 874 00:37:08,101 --> 00:37:09,311 Yes, a doctor. 875 00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:11,313 What the hell happened with Benjamin anyway? 876 00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,265 -You know what happened with Benjamin. -ABE: No. 877 00:37:13,315 --> 00:37:15,435 -I don't. -We were looking through magazines, planning menus. 878 00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:18,114 -And I had to sit with him all morning. -I told you, 879 00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:20,663 -it wasn't right. -Is it another man? 880 00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:22,157 -No. No. -No? 881 00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:24,277 -No? -Seriously, break the logjam. 882 00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,162 I'd follow her if I were you. 883 00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:32,754 MIDGE: Mama. Mama, can we please 884 00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:35,053 finish this conversation? 885 00:37:35,087 --> 00:37:39,007 "Dear Upper West Side, thank you for bringing your umbrella. 886 00:37:39,049 --> 00:37:40,589 "I'm at The Den Friday and Saturday night 887 00:37:40,634 --> 00:37:42,054 "if you feel like dropping by. 888 00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:44,302 If not, I'll see you next time I'm in town. Lenny." 889 00:37:44,346 --> 00:37:46,256 -Who is Lenny? -Lenny's a sissy's name. 890 00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:48,516 -Lenny Bruce. -Bruce is a thug's name. 891 00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,058 -He's a comedian. -Oh, God. 892 00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:53,732 So this Lenny Bruce is the reason that you left Benjamin? 893 00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:55,650 -What? No. -He sends you flowers. 894 00:37:55,732 --> 00:37:57,072 I am not spending the morning with him. 895 00:37:57,109 --> 00:37:58,359 You can tell him that right now. 896 00:37:58,402 --> 00:38:00,742 Will you listen to me? I said he was just a friend. 897 00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,067 I can't believe you dropped a surgeon 898 00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:03,322 to go out with some comedian. 899 00:38:03,365 --> 00:38:05,405 I did not drop Benjamin for Lenny. 900 00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:07,450 You are frivolous and flighty. 901 00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:09,124 And that's what happens when you let someone 902 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:10,754 have an entire room for skirts. 903 00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,037 Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that she's like that, is that it? 904 00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:16,343 I didn't say that, but I am not her shopping buddy. 905 00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:17,958 Oh, you know what, I've had it. 906 00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:19,835 I'm tired of hearing my husband of 31 years 907 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,471 blame me for everything. 908 00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:23,468 Blame me because he's not a freedom fighter. 909 00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:25,390 Blame me because he's not Che Guevara. 910 00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:26,929 That's ridiculous. Che Guevara isn't Jewish. 911 00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,392 I'm sorry, Abe. 912 00:38:28,432 --> 00:38:30,432 I'm sorry that you weren't there to bring Stalin down. 913 00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,135 I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt 914 00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,765 and you're not growing a full beard 915 00:38:33,812 --> 00:38:35,772 and you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets. 916 00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:37,734 I'm sure your beatnik hero Jack Krack-a-wack must be 917 00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:40,654 -just rife with syphilis. -Do you mean Jack Kerouac? 918 00:38:40,694 --> 00:38:41,864 -Oh... -Who? 919 00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:44,243 Jack Kerouac. On the Road? 920 00:38:44,281 --> 00:38:46,371 Oh, for God's sake, you should know him. 921 00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:47,908 -You're young. -I don't read. I... 922 00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:51,331 How a daughter of mine developed absolutely no intellectual 923 00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:54,751 or social curiosity or sense of responsibility is beyond me. 924 00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:56,751 Oh, please. Please. 925 00:38:56,793 --> 00:38:58,963 How dare you double-please me. 926 00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:01,174 You don't even know who Lenny Bruce is. 927 00:39:01,214 --> 00:39:03,724 You blather on and on about free speech. 928 00:39:03,759 --> 00:39:06,339 He's out there getting arrested in the name of free speech. 929 00:39:06,386 --> 00:39:09,766 He's talking about things no one has the balls to talk about. 930 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,056 You put down comedy and what I do. 931 00:39:12,100 --> 00:39:14,270 You don't even know what goes on out there. 932 00:39:14,311 --> 00:39:15,901 This guy is the real deal, 933 00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:18,607 but you just scoff and pretend that he's nothing. 934 00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:20,028 That is ignorant. 935 00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:21,857 You are ignorant. 936 00:39:21,902 --> 00:39:23,492 Found my dress. 937 00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:26,988 Well, you can wear that, it's been on the floor-- 938 00:39:27,032 --> 00:39:29,702 it needs to be steamed. 939 00:39:29,743 --> 00:39:31,833 And you quit your piano lessons! 940 00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:34,750 -MIDGE: When I was eight! -You just quit. You're a quitter. 941 00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:36,290 I hated piano. 942 00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:39,173 Of course you hated piano-- didn't come with a costume. 943 00:39:39,211 --> 00:39:42,421 MIDGE: I was a terrible player. The neighbors complained. 944 00:39:42,464 --> 00:39:45,634 -My teacher used earplugs. -But you should not have quit. 945 00:39:45,675 --> 00:39:48,505 That sets the tone for an entire life. 946 00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:50,563 I have to go. I have to work. 947 00:39:50,597 --> 00:39:53,137 Ah. You quit piano, you quit your marriage, 948 00:39:53,183 --> 00:39:55,643 you quit Benjamin. I wouldn't be surprised 949 00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,145 if you quit this comedy thing, too. 950 00:39:59,189 --> 00:40:00,979 Never. 951 00:40:05,487 --> 00:40:08,317 -(elevator bell dings) -(gate squeaks open) 952 00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:11,485 (gate squeaks closed) 953 00:40:23,255 --> 00:40:25,875 -So this is it. -How do you already have keys? 954 00:40:25,882 --> 00:40:27,762 I signed the lease, they gave me the keys. 955 00:40:27,801 --> 00:40:29,851 Joel Maisel, strikes a hard bargain. 956 00:40:29,886 --> 00:40:31,386 -Let it be known! -How much? 957 00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:33,769 -$500 a month. It's a steal. -(chuckling): Hey! 958 00:40:33,807 --> 00:40:36,097 -You've already got a bar. -And a stage. 959 00:40:36,143 --> 00:40:38,103 Probably needs shoring up, but the layout's perfect. 960 00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:39,595 What's with all the buttons? 961 00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:41,646 One of my dad's suppliers was using it as storage. 962 00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:43,110 That's how I heard about this place. 963 00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,030 Buttons, buttons... 964 00:40:45,068 --> 00:40:46,528 The Button Club. There's your name. 965 00:40:46,570 --> 00:40:48,410 Looks like I found my creative director. 966 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,276 -I don't come cheap. -That's not what I heard. 967 00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:52,163 I think you got a bargain, buddy. Really. 968 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,740 Timing's good, too. Mom and Pop are in a good place, 969 00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,746 and with my divorce getting finalized now... 970 00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:59,168 -Aw, shit. -Nah, it's fine. It's good. 971 00:40:59,207 --> 00:41:02,707 -Really. It's a new beginning. -Okay. So when do we start? 972 00:41:02,752 --> 00:41:05,382 -We? -I'm your creative director. Try and stop me. 973 00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:07,262 Unless you're Imogene, who will try and stop me. 974 00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:09,469 (chuckles) We'll need a couple of crowbars, 975 00:41:09,509 --> 00:41:12,509 -a ton of sandpaper... -(shouting in Chinese) 976 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,940 -Joel? -I don't know. 977 00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,308 -Where does that door go? -I never saw that door. 978 00:41:22,355 --> 00:41:25,275 You leased a space with a scary mystery door? 979 00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:26,857 No. Yes. 980 00:41:26,902 --> 00:41:28,152 I don't know. 981 00:41:34,284 --> 00:41:37,044 (shouting, clamoring in distance) 982 00:41:45,086 --> 00:41:47,456 (shouting, clamoring stops) 983 00:41:57,432 --> 00:41:59,352 (shouting, clamoring resumes) 984 00:42:08,068 --> 00:42:10,028 -Archie? -I don't know. 985 00:42:10,070 --> 00:42:13,030 -Shit. Shit! -You can say that again. 986 00:42:13,073 --> 00:42:15,203 I've already signed a lease. I've put money down. 987 00:42:15,242 --> 00:42:17,242 (woman shouting in Chinese) 988 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:21,040 Hi. 989 00:42:21,081 --> 00:42:22,041 -Hi. -Hello. 990 00:42:22,082 --> 00:42:23,462 You the new tenants? 991 00:42:23,500 --> 00:42:25,250 I'm the new tenant. What the hell is going on in there? 992 00:42:25,293 --> 00:42:27,133 -Where? -Behind you, in there. 993 00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:28,710 Nothing. What's your name? 994 00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:30,335 Forget my name. What is that? 995 00:42:30,382 --> 00:42:32,182 -Who are those people? -Family gathering. 996 00:42:32,217 --> 00:42:34,047 -Really? Your family? -Yup. 997 00:42:34,094 --> 00:42:35,604 -Yup. Yup. -All of them? 998 00:42:35,637 --> 00:42:37,557 -The guy serving drinks? -My cousin. 999 00:42:37,597 --> 00:42:39,307 -JOEL: He was wearing a name tag. -I have a lot of cousins. 1000 00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:40,729 Those people in there are gambling. 1001 00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:43,397 -What? No. -We saw dice, we saw cards. 1002 00:42:43,436 --> 00:42:44,646 They're throwing cash around. 1003 00:42:44,688 --> 00:42:47,018 I always liked this space. What's it gonna be? 1004 00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:49,105 A club. Look, don't change the subject. 1005 00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:50,440 I need to know what's going on. 1006 00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:52,275 I don't want to get tied up in something illegal. 1007 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,490 Nobody's gonna tie you up. What kind of club? 1008 00:42:54,531 --> 00:42:56,741 I signed a lease, I made a deposit. 1009 00:42:56,783 --> 00:43:00,203 You know, a long time ago, this was a club. A magic club. 1010 00:43:00,245 --> 00:43:03,455 One night, the guy made a woman disappear. 1011 00:43:03,498 --> 00:43:04,918 No one ever found her again. 1012 00:43:04,958 --> 00:43:07,458 Wait, what? Something happened to her? 1013 00:43:07,502 --> 00:43:09,342 No, he was just a really bad magician. 1014 00:43:09,379 --> 00:43:10,879 -Listen... -Or maybe a really good one. 1015 00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:12,512 No, that is not a true story, 1016 00:43:12,549 --> 00:43:14,929 just like a family gathering is not a true story. 1017 00:43:14,968 --> 00:43:17,928 -That is not your cousin. -Okay, so it's been nice talking to you. 1018 00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:19,431 You shouldn't come through this door again. 1019 00:43:19,472 --> 00:43:22,522 -Wait. -Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone. 1020 00:43:22,559 --> 00:43:24,349 Or what-- I'll disappear? 1021 00:43:24,394 --> 00:43:26,234 Well, that's silly. 1022 00:43:26,271 --> 00:43:28,271 (whispers): I'm not a magician. 1023 00:43:31,818 --> 00:43:33,068 Shit. 1024 00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:35,321 -Buddy, it's fine. -(door closes) 1025 00:43:35,363 --> 00:43:36,703 We leave them alone, 1026 00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:38,620 -they'll leave us alone. -(door opens) 1027 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,369 Mmm. Mmm. 1028 00:43:48,418 --> 00:43:50,748 I quit. 1029 00:43:50,795 --> 00:43:52,795 ♪ The moon was ♪ 1030 00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:56,339 -♪ All aglow ♪ -(indistinct conversations) 1031 00:43:56,384 --> 00:44:00,224 ♪ And heaven was in your eyes... ♪ 1032 00:44:00,263 --> 00:44:01,773 (coughs) 1033 00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:04,596 I'm... I'm here to see Lenny Bruce. 1034 00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:07,652 $2.50 cover, two drink minimum. 1035 00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:09,267 Well, all right, and... 1036 00:44:09,314 --> 00:44:11,864 that's if you drink both drinks, 1037 00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:14,570 or just in general? 1038 00:44:14,611 --> 00:44:16,401 In general. 1039 00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,446 Okay. 1040 00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:24,333 ♪ The night that you told me ♪ 1041 00:44:24,371 --> 00:44:26,501 ♪ Those little white. ♪ 1042 00:44:26,539 --> 00:44:29,879 -(music stops) -ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce. 1043 00:44:29,918 --> 00:44:31,918 (applause, cheering) 1044 00:44:36,549 --> 00:44:37,929 Thank you. 1045 00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:40,137 Oh, that's a very nice welcome. 1046 00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:43,178 Uh, did any of you happen to catch me 1047 00:44:43,223 --> 00:44:44,853 on The Steve Allen Show? 1048 00:44:44,891 --> 00:44:46,521 -(applause, cheering) -Yeah. 1049 00:44:46,559 --> 00:44:48,139 I cleaned up very nicely, 1050 00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:51,226 if I do say so myself. I, uh... 1051 00:44:51,272 --> 00:44:54,782 I sang a little song, I offended no one. 1052 00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:59,201 You see, often I am billed at nightclubs 1053 00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:00,989 with a sign that says, 1054 00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:03,412 "For Adults Only." 1055 00:45:03,451 --> 00:45:07,291 I am very interested in the motivation for that billing. 1056 00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:10,420 I must assume that "for adults only" 1057 00:45:10,458 --> 00:45:14,248 means that my point of view would be a deterrent 1058 00:45:14,295 --> 00:45:16,625 to the development of a well-adjusted member 1059 00:45:16,673 --> 00:45:18,343 of the community. 1060 00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:22,013 See, the argument is a child will ape 1061 00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:24,013 the actions of an actor. 1062 00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:26,715 What he sees now in his formative years, 1063 00:45:26,766 --> 00:45:28,636 he may do as an adult, 1064 00:45:28,685 --> 00:45:31,725 so then we must be very careful 1065 00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:34,611 what we let the child see. 1066 00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:36,939 So then I would rather my kid 1067 00:45:36,985 --> 00:45:39,525 see a stag film 1068 00:45:39,571 --> 00:45:42,661 than The Ten Commandments or The King of Kings, 1069 00:45:42,699 --> 00:45:46,579 because I don't want my kids to kill Christ when he comes back. 1070 00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:48,199 (laughter, applause) 1071 00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,076 Well, that's what they see in those pictures-- 1072 00:45:50,123 --> 00:45:52,423 that violence. 1073 00:45:52,459 --> 00:45:56,379 Well, let me just take your kids to a dirty movie then. 1074 00:45:56,421 --> 00:45:59,221 All right kids, uh, sit down now, 1075 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:00,967 the picture's about to start. 1076 00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:04,429 Oh, it's not like Psycho, with lots of four-letter words, 1077 00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:08,181 like, "kill" and "maim" and "hurt." 1078 00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:11,694 No, it's a dirty movie. Okay. 1079 00:46:11,728 --> 00:46:14,808 A couple is coming in now, and, uh... Oh. 1080 00:46:14,856 --> 00:46:17,226 The guy is picking up the pillow. 1081 00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,815 Oh, he'll probably smother her with it, 1082 00:46:19,861 --> 00:46:22,281 that'll be a good opening. 1083 00:46:22,322 --> 00:46:26,032 Oh, the degenerate, he's putting it under her ass. 1084 00:46:26,075 --> 00:46:28,655 -(laughing) -Jesus. (clicks tongue) 1085 00:46:28,703 --> 00:46:31,043 Oh, I hate to show this crap to you kids. 1086 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,120 Uh... Oh, right, 1087 00:46:33,166 --> 00:46:35,666 now he's raising his hand. 1088 00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:38,510 He'll probably strike her, and, uh... 1089 00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:41,626 Nope, he's caressing her 1090 00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:44,644 and kissing her. 1091 00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,347 -Oh, this is disgusting. -(laughing) 1092 00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:49,928 All right, now he's kissing her some more, 1093 00:46:49,974 --> 00:46:52,394 and, uh... Oh, she's saying something. 1094 00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:55,765 Uh, she'll probably scream at him, "Get out of here!" 1095 00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:58,783 No, no, she's saying, 1096 00:46:58,816 --> 00:47:01,686 "I love you. I'm coming." 1097 00:47:04,113 --> 00:47:06,163 Oh, kids, I'm sorry 1098 00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:08,279 that I had to show you anything like this. 1099 00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:10,036 God knows it'll be on my conscience 1100 00:47:10,078 --> 00:47:12,288 for the rest of my life. 1101 00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:14,670 I never did see one stag film 1102 00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:16,287 where anyone got killed in the end, 1103 00:47:16,334 --> 00:47:18,094 or even slapped in the mouth, 1104 00:47:18,127 --> 00:47:22,047 or where there was any Communist propaganda. 1105 00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:25,550 (chuckles) I can tell from the body language 1106 00:47:25,593 --> 00:47:28,643 the police think the show's about to get interesting. 1107 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,850 -(audience murmurs) -Did you see me on Steve Allen? 1108 00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:33,100 -(audience laughing) -No. 1109 00:47:33,142 --> 00:47:34,852 Ah, well. 1110 00:47:34,894 --> 00:47:36,984 That's too bad, you would've liked it. Uh... 1111 00:47:38,022 --> 00:47:41,282 Okay, so I want to point out 1112 00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,737 the "God made the body" paradox 1113 00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:46,068 of the decent people who would object 1114 00:47:46,114 --> 00:47:49,914 to this, uh, groovy-looking chick. 1115 00:47:49,951 --> 00:47:53,371 -(audience whoops) -Now, if I'm dressing, 1116 00:47:53,413 --> 00:47:55,293 and I see that chick there, 1117 00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:58,791 Miss September, across the way, I'm gonna look. 1118 00:47:58,835 --> 00:48:01,455 -That's it, Bruce. -But, see, in our society, 1119 00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:04,424 it's pull down the shade and charge two bucks to get in. 1120 00:48:04,465 --> 00:48:06,965 -Let's go, now. -That's what repression does. 1121 00:48:07,010 --> 00:48:09,970 The obscenity law, when everything else boils away, is 1122 00:48:10,013 --> 00:48:11,893 does it appeal to the prurient interest? 1123 00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:14,061 Well, I want to know what's wrong with appealing 1124 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,560 to the prurient interest. No, I really want 1125 00:48:16,603 --> 00:48:18,563 the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me 1126 00:48:18,605 --> 00:48:20,435 that fucking is dirty and no good. 1127 00:48:20,481 --> 00:48:22,191 (applause, cheering) 1128 00:48:23,443 --> 00:48:24,693 All right, I'm coming. 1129 00:48:24,736 --> 00:48:26,646 I'm coming. 1130 00:48:26,696 --> 00:48:29,656 You actually let me get a lot farther that time, thank you. 1131 00:48:29,699 --> 00:48:31,699 -Yeah, let's go. -(jeering, booing) 1132 00:48:34,287 --> 00:48:36,367 Here, you take it. 1133 00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:39,084 A-Are they arresting him? Wait, are you arresting him? 1134 00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:41,705 -Sit down, sir. -B-B-But you-you can't do that. 1135 00:48:41,753 --> 00:48:43,633 -He-He's just talking. -I mean it. 1136 00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:46,761 Look, I understand you don't like it. I don't either, really. 1137 00:48:46,799 --> 00:48:50,389 It was obscene, repulsive, that girl was clearly very cold. 1138 00:48:50,428 --> 00:48:51,798 Who wants to see that? 1139 00:48:51,846 --> 00:48:54,806 But that's not really for you to decide, is it? 1140 00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:56,639 Listen to the man, he's wearing two sweaters. 1141 00:48:56,684 --> 00:48:58,694 I'm telling you for the last time, sir, sit down. 1142 00:48:58,728 --> 00:49:01,518 I won't sit down. I don't have to sit down. 1143 00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:03,824 I have the right to stand, don't I? 1144 00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:07,318 -(audience cheers) -Wh-What, i-is standing and talking illegal now? 1145 00:49:07,362 --> 00:49:09,532 -Or just standing? -Okay, you want to come, too? 1146 00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:12,912 Right. How about leaning? Where do you land on leaning? 1147 00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:14,950 (cheering, whistling) 1148 00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:18,537 (man shouting in distance) 1149 00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,550 Gandhi went to jail. 1150 00:49:25,588 --> 00:49:29,338 Galileo died under house arrest. Emma Goldman was deported. 1151 00:49:29,384 --> 00:49:32,184 I just tell jokes, man, that's all. 1152 00:49:33,388 --> 00:49:34,808 You misspoke, though. 1153 00:49:35,932 --> 00:49:37,732 -I'm sorry? -(chuckles) 1154 00:49:37,767 --> 00:49:39,517 You called the woman Miss September. 1155 00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:40,770 She was Miss December. 1156 00:49:40,812 --> 00:49:42,812 Oh, yeah? 1157 00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:44,435 Yeah. There was a wreath 1158 00:49:44,482 --> 00:49:46,862 in the lower left corner. 1159 00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,451 I think you still made your point, though. 1160 00:49:55,159 --> 00:49:57,909 The flowers were very nice, by the way. 1161 00:50:00,707 --> 00:50:02,667 -SUSIE: Are you in? -SOLDIER: Yeah, I'm in. -SOLDIER 2: Me, too. 1162 00:50:02,709 --> 00:50:04,589 -I'm out. -Oh, such a girl. 1163 00:50:04,627 --> 00:50:05,797 Give me one. 1164 00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:07,457 So who else do you know? Annette Funicello? 1165 00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:08,665 -No. -Give me three. 1166 00:50:08,715 --> 00:50:09,875 -Barbara Stanwyck? -Nope. 1167 00:50:09,924 --> 00:50:11,094 Ava Gardner? 1168 00:50:11,134 --> 00:50:13,644 No, guys, no. I don't know people like that. 1169 00:50:13,678 --> 00:50:16,218 -But you're in show business. -We don't all hang out together. 1170 00:50:16,264 --> 00:50:17,814 Do you know Jayne Mansfield? 1171 00:50:17,849 --> 00:50:20,179 Actually, her I know. She's my cat's godmother. 1172 00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:21,436 -(gasps) -Really? 1173 00:50:21,477 --> 00:50:23,857 No. Jesus. You guys are so gullible. 1174 00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:26,266 -I'm out. -Hey, Myerson. 1175 00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:28,275 Your girl's back and she's looking for you. 1176 00:50:28,317 --> 00:50:30,777 Shit. Okay, I got to go. 1177 00:50:30,820 --> 00:50:32,450 Hey, listen, I have three of a kind, 1178 00:50:32,488 --> 00:50:34,988 -so if you can beat that, the pot's yours. -(scoffs) 1179 00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:38,082 Ah, I got nothing! (blows raspberry) 1180 00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:39,329 Hey! 1181 00:50:39,370 --> 00:50:41,330 (indistinct conversations) 1182 00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:43,082 ("Wiggle Wiggle" by the Accents playing) 1183 00:50:43,124 --> 00:50:46,004 ♪ Do do-do do do-do do wop wop ♪ 1184 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:48,503 ♪ Do do-do do do do wop wop ♪ 1185 00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:51,086 ♪ Do do-do do do do wop wop ♪ 1186 00:50:51,132 --> 00:50:53,342 ♪ Do-do-do wop wop, do do ♪ 1187 00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:56,104 ♪ You don't have to be pretty ♪ 1188 00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:58,217 ♪ You don't have to wear fine clothes ♪ 1189 00:50:58,264 --> 00:51:00,274 ♪ All you gotta do is just walk along... ♪ 1190 00:51:00,308 --> 00:51:02,188 -Hey. -Where have you been? 1191 00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:04,846 I've been here so long, I almost had to go home and change again. 1192 00:51:04,896 --> 00:51:06,606 -It's a good outfit. -Thanks. 1193 00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,357 -Where's Shy? -I don't know. 1194 00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:10,439 I don't see him or any of the band here yet. 1195 00:51:10,485 --> 00:51:12,695 Well, maybe they tell time like you do. 1196 00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,027 Uh, Mitchell, where's everyone else? 1197 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:16,122 Everyone who? 1198 00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:17,117 Shy. The band. 1199 00:51:17,158 --> 00:51:18,448 Oh, they're not coming. 1200 00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:19,703 What do you mean they're not coming? 1201 00:51:19,744 --> 00:51:20,794 This is a dance for the boys. 1202 00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:21,788 We didn't need a band. 1203 00:51:21,829 --> 00:51:23,709 -But you told me to be here. -I know. 1204 00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:25,458 We needed to make sure there were enough girls to go around. 1205 00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:26,880 You know, a room full of sure things. 1206 00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,038 What are you talking about? 1207 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,125 Well, the base is far. 1208 00:51:29,170 --> 00:51:30,210 We have to ship girls in from Jersey. 1209 00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:31,554 Another busload should be arriving soon 1210 00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,049 if you're worried about the workload. 1211 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,720 I'm sorry, what exactly do you expect me to do with these guys? 1212 00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:37,140 Dance. Just dance. 1213 00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:38,968 She's not a dancer. She's a goddamn comic. 1214 00:51:39,013 --> 00:51:41,223 Yes, but, unfortunately, she's also extremely attractive. 1215 00:51:41,265 --> 00:51:42,975 Well, that is very flattering. 1216 00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:44,557 And I did take ballet as a girl. 1217 00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:46,152 Hey. Do not let that sway you. 1218 00:51:46,187 --> 00:51:47,977 -Stay mad. -It's her patriotic duty. 1219 00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:49,322 Look around. 1220 00:51:49,357 --> 00:51:51,027 Ten percent of these boys are gonna wind up dead. 1221 00:51:51,067 --> 00:51:52,397 You're not even at war. 1222 00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:53,993 What, are they gonna have a car accident? 1223 00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,158 Trip on the tarmac and get run over by a plane? 1224 00:51:56,197 --> 00:51:57,407 Happened twice. 1225 00:51:57,448 --> 00:51:59,408 Ah, great. The bus. 1226 00:51:59,450 --> 00:52:01,240 Well, this isn't humiliating at all. 1227 00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:02,745 I say let's go. 1228 00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:04,037 No, it's a dance. 1229 00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:05,960 For the boys. I can dance. 1230 00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:08,878 Geez, what part of Jersey are these woofers from? 1231 00:52:08,918 --> 00:52:11,628 You are gonna be very popular tonight. 1232 00:52:11,671 --> 00:52:13,301 You think that punch is spiked? 1233 00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,299 (sighs) It is now. 1234 00:52:15,341 --> 00:52:17,801 Hey, listen, uh... (clears throat) 1235 00:52:17,844 --> 00:52:19,644 before you completely debase yourself 1236 00:52:19,679 --> 00:52:21,219 -for your country... -Mm. 1237 00:52:21,264 --> 00:52:23,224 there's something I need to tell you. 1238 00:52:23,266 --> 00:52:25,976 Is it that I'm unfortunately extremely attractive? 1239 00:52:26,018 --> 00:52:27,768 It is not. 1240 00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:30,895 I have a chance, 1241 00:52:30,940 --> 00:52:32,440 an opportunity to do something. 1242 00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:33,443 It's pretty big. 1243 00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:34,824 Ooh. Exciting. What? 1244 00:52:34,861 --> 00:52:37,411 I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon. 1245 00:52:37,446 --> 00:52:39,366 -Who? -Sophie Lennon. 1246 00:52:39,407 --> 00:52:41,327 -You're gonna... -Manage Sophie Lennon. 1247 00:52:41,367 --> 00:52:43,577 -This is a joke, right? -Hey, let's dance! 1248 00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:46,079 (grunts) 1249 00:52:46,122 --> 00:52:48,252 ♪ You can put a wiggle in a shimmy sack... ♪ 1250 00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,671 Christ. Move. 1251 00:52:50,710 --> 00:52:53,250 ♪ Now, listen to me, little girl ♪ 1252 00:52:53,296 --> 00:52:55,586 ♪ You're as cute as you can be ♪ 1253 00:52:55,631 --> 00:52:57,131 ♪ But forget all about your beauty, girl... ♪ 1254 00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:58,844 Tell me it's a fucking joke. 1255 00:52:58,885 --> 00:53:00,335 -SOLDIER: Hey, where'd you go? -Jesus. No, it's not... 1256 00:53:00,386 --> 00:53:03,256 ♪ Do do-do do do-do do wop wop ♪ 1257 00:53:03,306 --> 00:53:05,676 ♪ Do do-do do do-do do wop wop ♪ 1258 00:53:05,725 --> 00:53:07,385 ♪ Do-do-do do do do... ♪ 1259 00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:08,935 Because, clearly, it has got to be a joke. 1260 00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:10,438 -There is no way you could -Let's go! 1261 00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:12,859 seriously be telling me that you are... (grunts) 1262 00:53:12,899 --> 00:53:15,649 Excuse me. Please stop. 1263 00:53:15,693 --> 00:53:17,193 Look. 1264 00:53:17,236 --> 00:53:18,946 Look, I-I know this is a shock, 1265 00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:20,278 and I get why you'd be mad. 1266 00:53:20,323 --> 00:53:21,453 Uh, mad? Oh, no, I'm not... 1267 00:53:21,490 --> 00:53:22,530 Stop. 1268 00:53:22,575 --> 00:53:23,695 I'm not mad. 1269 00:53:23,743 --> 00:53:25,453 I am too angry to be mad. 1270 00:53:25,494 --> 00:53:26,664 That doesn't make sense. 1271 00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,834 Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy. 1272 00:53:28,873 --> 00:53:30,253 Hey, maybe don't say "sworn enemy" 1273 00:53:30,291 --> 00:53:31,921 -in a room full of soldiers. -Susie. 1274 00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:33,919 I didn't go looking for this, okay? 1275 00:53:33,961 --> 00:53:36,421 She summoned me to her house, and I only went because of you. 1276 00:53:36,464 --> 00:53:37,924 -Me? -Yes. 1277 00:53:37,965 --> 00:53:39,755 I wanted to try to smooth shit over 1278 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:41,050 so she'd stop messing with you. 1279 00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:42,432 And the next thing I knew, she's talking to me 1280 00:53:42,470 --> 00:53:44,600 about how I defended you, how I fought for you, 1281 00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,059 and she wants me to do that for her. 1282 00:53:46,098 --> 00:53:48,388 That psychotic giraffe of a woman 1283 00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:51,404 has been trying to destroy me for a year. 1284 00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:52,647 I know. I was there. 1285 00:53:52,688 --> 00:53:54,568 She's a nightmare. A monster. A hack. 1286 00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:55,937 She hates me. 1287 00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:58,323 Hey, Sophie is a big star. 1288 00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,321 You understand? This is business. 1289 00:54:00,363 --> 00:54:03,163 You want me to turn down a giant opportunity? 1290 00:54:03,199 --> 00:54:05,329 -Yes. -Okay, then what was all that 1291 00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:07,158 Susie Myerson and Associates bullshit, huh? 1292 00:54:07,203 --> 00:54:08,373 That was your idea. 1293 00:54:08,371 --> 00:54:09,961 I mean, if you are my only client, 1294 00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,957 then what are all these other associates gonna be doing? 1295 00:54:11,999 --> 00:54:13,379 Helping you pick out your hats? 1296 00:54:13,376 --> 00:54:14,746 If I am gonna do this, 1297 00:54:14,794 --> 00:54:16,094 then I have to do this. 1298 00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:17,588 And what am I supposed to do? 1299 00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:20,010 Just forget the fact that she had me blackballed 1300 00:54:20,049 --> 00:54:21,719 from every club in town? 1301 00:54:21,759 --> 00:54:23,929 If I'm her manager, I'm sure that will stop. 1302 00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:26,430 Are you kidding me? 1303 00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:28,682 Look, my apartment is $40 a month, 1304 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:30,774 and I have to sublet it to Jackie. 1305 00:54:30,810 --> 00:54:33,600 To Jackie-- a man that will definitely sit bare-assed 1306 00:54:33,646 --> 00:54:35,186 on my one leather chair. 1307 00:54:35,231 --> 00:54:36,401 There's no choice there. 1308 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,070 I can't afford not to. 1309 00:54:38,109 --> 00:54:40,069 When you make $4,000, I make $400. 1310 00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:41,781 And in case you're wondering, that's less. 1311 00:54:41,821 --> 00:54:43,661 -Fuck you. -This changes nothing. 1312 00:54:43,698 --> 00:54:47,328 -SOLDIER: Conga! -I... You are still everything to me, 1313 00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:49,248 but I can't go around calling myself a manager 1314 00:54:49,286 --> 00:54:51,076 if I'm not gonna act like a manager. 1315 00:54:51,122 --> 00:54:53,122 So you are definitely doing this? 1316 00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:54,825 I have to. 1317 00:54:54,875 --> 00:54:56,165 (conga music playing) 1318 00:54:56,210 --> 00:54:58,210 Oh! Oh... 1319 00:55:00,006 --> 00:55:02,216 DANCERS: Oh! Oh! 1320 00:55:03,259 --> 00:55:04,429 Oh! 1321 00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:07,098 (laughing) 1322 00:55:11,183 --> 00:55:13,193 Abe Weissman. 1323 00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,823 (indistinct chatter) 1324 00:55:35,916 --> 00:55:37,876 Wait. 1325 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:39,378 What? 1326 00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:49,465 You bailed me out? 1327 00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:50,473 Yes. 1328 00:55:50,514 --> 00:55:51,474 Well, she... 1329 00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:52,885 I bailed you out. 1330 00:55:52,933 --> 00:55:55,353 Okay. 1331 00:56:00,941 --> 00:56:02,941 Thanks. 1332 00:56:04,695 --> 00:56:06,945 I thanked him for the flowers. 1333 00:56:14,955 --> 00:56:16,955 ("Jailbreak" by Thin Lizzy playing) 1334 00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:24,046 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1335 00:56:24,090 --> 00:56:27,260 ♪ Somewhere in this town ♪ 1336 00:56:27,301 --> 00:56:30,551 ♪ See, me and the boys, we don't like it ♪ 1337 00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:33,926 ♪ So we're getting up and going down ♪ 1338 00:56:33,974 --> 00:56:37,274 ♪ Hiding low, looking right to left ♪ 1339 00:56:37,311 --> 00:56:40,651 ♪ If you see us coming, I think it's best ♪ 1340 00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:43,899 ♪ To move away, do you hear what I say ♪ 1341 00:56:43,943 --> 00:56:48,033 ♪ From under my breath ♪ 1342 00:56:48,072 --> 00:56:51,452 ♪ Tonight, there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1343 00:56:51,492 --> 00:56:54,792 ♪ Somewhere in the town ♪ 1344 00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:58,249 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1345 00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:01,250 ♪ So don't you be around ♪ 1346 00:57:03,045 --> 00:57:04,795 ♪ Don't you be around ♪ 1347 00:57:14,932 --> 00:57:18,232 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be trouble ♪ 1348 00:57:18,269 --> 00:57:20,599 ♪ Some of us won't survive ♪ 1349 00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:24,146 ♪ See, the boys and me mean business ♪ 1350 00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:27,571 ♪ Bustin' out, dead or alive ♪ 1351 00:57:27,611 --> 00:57:30,871 ♪ I can hear the hound dogs on my trail ♪ 1352 00:57:30,906 --> 00:57:34,576 ♪ All hell breaks loose, alarm and sirens wail ♪ 1353 00:57:34,618 --> 00:57:37,578 ♪ Like the game if you lose ♪ 1354 00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:39,961 ♪ Go to jail ♪ 1355 00:57:41,625 --> 00:57:44,205 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1356 00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:48,053 ♪ Somewhere in the town ♪ 1357 00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:51,760 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1358 00:57:51,802 --> 00:57:54,352 ♪ So don't you be around ♪ 1359 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:58,138 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be trouble ♪ 1360 00:57:58,184 --> 00:58:00,694 ♪ I'm gonna find myself in ♪ 1361 00:58:00,728 --> 00:58:04,568 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be trouble ♪ 1362 00:58:04,607 --> 00:58:07,607 ♪ So, woman, stay with a friend. ♪ 101731

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