Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

¶

I don't know, Alex.

I think I should be doing something better with my life.

You know, I've been thinking about going to college.

Really?

Hey, that's great, Tony, I'm glad to hear you talk like that.

I only wish I knew how to go about it.

Well, you find a college, you get an application,

you make it out and send it in.

Yeah, boy,

nothing worthwhile comes easy, does it?

Come on, let's get out of here, let's settle up.

What does this come to? Well, let's see,

we had two pitchers of beer at 3.65 a pitcher.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Uh...

3.65, three-sixty...

Thank you.

Uh...

three-sixty-five

times two,

carry the seven.

Um, they don't ask this kind of stuff

on college applications, do they?

Tony,

you're making this far too difficult.

There's a simple and easy way

to figure this out.

Tommy?

What do we owe you?

Seven dollars and thirty cents.

Sure, you went to college.

Thanks. Hey, guys.

Hey, Elaine.

Well, I finally did it.

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist

for this afternoon for Latka.

Psychiatrist? Mm-hmm.

You don't think it's really that serious, do you?

Serious?

Come on, the man changes personalities every day.

I know, but he's harmless, isn't he?

Yeah, besides,

one of his personalities is a friend of mine.

And another one owes me 50 bucks.

(phone ringing)

Guys, I think Latka should see Dr. Jeffries.

Come on, no one can help him but us.

What time are we leaving?

Elaine, it's a phone call for you.

It's your babysitter.

Oh, okay. TOMMY: Take it in the back.

Wait, what...? As soon as I finish this.

Come on, Alex, maybe this guy can help Latka.

Aw. Come on,

don't you believe in psychiatrists?

Tony, I really don't have any opinion about psychiatrists,

because I've never been to one.

I've never really felt I had to go to one.

I believe you can get through life by common sense, coping,

and taking 30 showers a day.

Oh, you know something?

Those children of mine are gonna kill each other

one of these days.

Jason put Jennifer's Pokey doll in the microwave.

Oh.

Oh. And she found it.

Now she's got to live with that nightmare.

Elaine, I don't want to seem unsympathetic to your problems,

but don't we have to get to an appointment?

Oh, oh, Alex, about that, uh,

I promised Jennifer I'd go home.

Hmm? Pokey's funeral is this afternoon.

Elaine!

You're kidding-- you're indulging that kid!

Pokey is a...

Was Alex, was.

Forgive me.

Pokey was a rubber toy.

With feelings and emotions like any other rubber toy.

What am I saying?

Look, why don't I

just give you Dr. Jeffries's address,

and then you can... No, no wait, Elaine,

I just promised... Come on, Alex, come on, do this.

Do this favor and I'll owe you a big favor.

I'll see you. Bye, Tony. Oh...

now I'm stuck with this thing.

I have to take Latka to a psychiatrist.

So he hasn't been acting like himself lately-- big deal.

Big deal.

All right, I'll take him.

I'm telling you Tony, Elaine is making much too much of this.

Are you finished, Arlo?

Finished?

Uh, partner, I'm as finished

as a white suit on a sissy

who's been wrestling a half-breed in pig slop.

On the other hand, Elaine may have a point there.

¶

Congratulate me.

This is my last cigarette.

Is, uh, toward you masculine

and away from me feminine?

I can never remember.

Mmm.

Would you like to know how I quit?

Why?

(stammering)

I just said to myself,

I'm gonna do it all today.

You know, the first day

of the rest of your life kind of thing.

From now on, it's no more cigarettes,

no more promiscuity.

No more Doris Marie Winslow giving her phone number

when it's listed anyway.

You know I don't miss it.

I thought this was gonna be tough.

My taste buds are returning.

I admire your willpower.

Hello?

Where am I?

What-- why am I dressed like the poop-kicker?

Latka, is that you?

Of course it is.

Dr. Jeffries will be ready for you in a minute.

Thank you. Dr. Jeffries?

Is somebody sick?

He's a psychiatrist.

Uh, remember, we made an appointment?

Oh, why do I need a psychiatrist?

Well, for, uh, for openers,

there's this split personality thing.

Oh, no, no, that was just a joke.

Joke? Joke, yeah, take a joke.

You mean you were just kidding?

Yeah, just telling a joke. Oh, really?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

You mean, you Latka, were just pretending to be Arlo?

Only pretend, yes. Oh, really.

Why don't you just show me?

Show you? Yeah, prove it, please.

Prove it? Yeah.

Okay. Go ahead, right now.

Prove it to you? Yeah.

All right, buckaroo.

There is not room enough in this town

for the-the-the... the both of us.

There is no room.

(grunting)

Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

This gets better.

We both-both going to have to go to the other town.

No, Latka, no.

No good? No.

Come on, Latka.

All right.

Dr. Jeffries will see you now.

Thank you. Oh, no,

he will see my dust.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Look, Elaine thinks this is important, and maybe it is.

Latka, there's nothing to be afraid of.

I mean, you-you have a stomachache,

you go to a doctor, right? Yeah.

You have a toothache, you go to a dentist.

You have primary and secondary ego diffusion,

you go to a psychiatrist.

Look, Latka, you're here right now, okay?

Just-just talk to the man.

All right.

You know, I'm glad you are my friend, Alex.

I'm glad you are here with me. Latka,

there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Oh, good!

Then I'm going to need someone

to cut these pants off.

(sobbing)

And I-I have never felt so emotional in my life.

I cry and I cry every time I think about them.

Latka, I think we were all moved

when Prince Charles kissed Lady Di,

but, uh, perhaps we ought to, you know,

take this time to talk about you.

Oh no, go on,

I don't want to seem like a bore.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'd-I'd just-- I'd be--

I'd be fascinated.

Why don't you tell me

what it was like growing up in your country?

Well, it was--

it was a full childhood.

We had-- we had the wood,

we had the bucket, we had the chair.

Then when I was eight, my father got a raise,

so we moved someplace indoors.

Boy, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

You're good.

Were you happy as a child?

What's not to be happy?

We had the wood, we had the bucket, we had the chair,

and we had the mother who forced me to--

oh, hello!

This might be something.

Yes, Latka, yes, go on.

Oh, no, no, it is nothing.

This is okay, Latka.

If you don't feel like talking, you don't have to.

But the more you talk, the more I can help you.

(as Vic Ferrari): Okay, what do you want to talk about?

I love talking to shrinks.

Uh, we-we haven't met, have we?

Vic, Vic Ferrari.

Whoa!

Somebody blew a bundle at the Dodge City Sears.

(laughs)

Vic, uh...

I'm-I'm Dr. Jeffries, Latka's psychiatrist.

Oh, really, eh?

What is this, the "I'm okay, you're okay" corral?

Book this boy on Merv.

Vic, it was great seeing you.

But, uh, now I'd like to talk to Latka.

Oh, Latka Gravas? Yes.

Hey, he's a cute little guy, but between you and me, Doc, uh,

he's all oatmeal north of the eyebrows, you know what I mean?

But, uh, if you want him, you got him.

(as Latka): Why are you writing so fast?

Huh?

Uh, Latka?

Yes? I just met Vic.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have some messages for him.

Latka, uh, you had the wood,

you had the bucket, you had the chair,

and you had the mother who-- who what?

Latka, I think you want to tell me.

Well...

she forced me to spend the summers with my Uncle Bobka.

Listen, would--

is it possible for me to speak with Uncle Bobka?

Well, you can try, but you have to talk loud.

You see, they buried him 12 years ago.

Well, uh, could you tell me

what, uh, uh, Uncle Bobka was like?

Oh sure, I can do that.

I show you.

(clears throat)

He would say to me,

(in deep voice): "Don't be such a crybaby, Latka.

"I will make a man of you.

"Come with me.

I will put hair on your yanick."

Then he would take me down to the river

and pretend to throw me in.

(as young Latka): "But I don't know how to swim, Uncle Bobka."

(in deep voice): "Oh, come on,

everybody knows how to swim if they have to."

Then, he would throw me up in the air

and catch me at the last minute.

You see, he had no children of his own to destroy.

Every night I would lie in bed

awake and I would wish I was never been born.

Yeah,

what a terrible time you must have had.

Well, not so bad.

Some children never get to see their uncles.

Latka, this, you know,

this has been a remarkable session.

Thank you very much.

But, uh, now, I'd, uh,

I'd like to see Alex Reiger, please.

Okay.

Could you send, uh, Alex Reiger in, please?

(as ALEX): Hi, Doc, Alex Reiger.

Pleased to meet you.

Excuse me.

You're, you're Alex Reiger?

That's right, I'm a cab driver and I don't mind.

Well, Alex, uh, you know it's...

...good meeting you.

But I was just talking to Latka and I'd,

I'd really like to see him again.

Well, uh, I'd like to oblige, Doc,

but I'm afraid that's impossible.

You see, Latka's gone.

He's gone?

I see. Oh...

Could I see Vic?

Arlo?

Anybody?

Doctor Jeffries? Yes, yes, come in.

Uh, could you excuse us a minute?

I, uh...

I, uh...

I'd like to have a word alone with your friend.

Sure, Doc. I'll be waiting outside.

Excuse me.

Certainly.

Doctor, excuse me.

Who does he remind me of?

Sit down.

Uh, first of all, Mr. Reiger.

Who was that guy?

I just want to set your mind at ease that,

uh, Latka, Mr. Gravas, is in no danger.

It wasn't Arlo.

It wasn't Vic. And, uh...

Who was he?

Yeah, he'll, he'll be okay.

Just as long as he has all his friends

around him to give him support,

as long as he-- Fine.

But who is he?

Alex... he's you.

Hi, Alex. Hi, Tony.

Alex, I'm worried.

I got to take my college aptitude test next week.

In my high school, they didn't even teach aptitude.

Well, Tony, not everybody should go to college.

That's what it said under my picture in the yearbook.

It's so tough.

You know, when I was in the ring,

I knew that's what I wanted to be.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

Wait a minute, Tony.

If you miss boxing so much,

have you ever considered being a ref?

...eree?

Yeah, you remember the referee.

He was the one in the ring

who wasn't beating you senseless.

(laughing)

A ref, huh, Alex? Yeah.

You know, I like that idea.

I'm gonna think about that.

Thank you.

A ref...

(AS ALEX): Here you go, Lou. Ooh.

Ooh!

Another lollapaloosa night

for Reiger number two!

I kiss the day you went off your nut, Alex.

Hey, Lou, uh, what do you think of the human race?

I'd like an outsider's opinion.

Funnier than you.

A buck and a half for your thoughts.

Inflation.

Ah, it's nothing.

I had a little problem, I got it all solved.

I'm going to be a referee.

Sure you want to be a referee?

I don't know, I mean,

the money ain't that great and fans hate them.

Oh, why do you want to be a referee?

I don't know.

Somebody thought it was a good idea.

Sounds like terrible advice to me.

Me, too.

A referee?

I thought it was a good idea.

Oh, hey, Alex?

Yeah?

Uh, no, no, no, not you, Alex, this Alex.

Oh, right. Oh, but that reminds me.

Alex? Yeah?

Uh, no, no, no, not you, Alex,

this Alex. Oh, right.

That advice you gave me worked out beautifully.

I kept Jason and Jennifer apart until they begged me

to let them play with each other again.

Well, I'm just glad it worked out.

Thanks.

They're making you a card for your refrigerator.

Now, Alex, guess what?

I have two tickets to see Lena Horne tonight.

You want to go?

Uh, oh, no, I'm sorry Elaine,

I, uh, I'm going to the hockey game tonight.

Sorry, I can't make it.

Oh, that's okay.

I-I can find somebody else.

Um...

I have two tickets for Lena Horne tonight.

Would you like to go?

Sure, great.

I got tickets to the hockey game,

but I'll just give them to some kid.

I should have done that.

Okay, Alex, then it's a date.

Uh, take your ticket 'cause I have to meet you there, okay?

All right. Okay.

Thank you.

Elaine, Elaine!

You just made a date with Latka!

Uh, yeah, I guess I did, huh?

I don't believe this!

I don't believe that you're not more concerned.

You were the one that got him to go to see

a psychiatrist because you were so upset.

Yeah, I know, I, I did.

You know, it's kind of strange,

but, now that he's you, somehow it seems okay.

Wait a minute!

Are you making a case for multiple personality now?

You know, you're getting awfully emotional about this.

You're damn right I am!

How would you like someone living your life?

And having more fun at it?

I mean, I might not have been much,

but at least I was the only one being me.

How come he's smarter than I am?

How come he's booking more money than I am?

How come he's, uh...

More fun.

Thank you. More fun.

Maybe I should be the one giving up being me!

You seem upset about something, Alex.

Yes, I am!

You know, I'm on my way to see Dr. Jeffries now

and he's helped me a lot.

Maybe he'll help you, too. Oh?

Would you like to come and talk to him?

Would I like to come...

(stammering): Yes, right now.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Jim. Hi, Jim.

Where are they going?

To see their psychiatrist.

Boy, what do you think the odds are

of two guys having the same name,

in the same garage,

going to see the same psychiatrist

at the same time?

Gotta be three to one.

Dr. Jeffries,

you've been seeing Latka for a month now

and I'm getting worried about his health.

Oh, I don't think there's

any need to worry about his condition.

Well, I do.

I'm going to strangle that guy.

Now, how long is this going to last?

Well, from what I know about it,

I'm surprised it's gone on this long.

But this is a fascinating case.

(chuckling): I'm a lucky guy.

Hey,

maybe you can help.

Hmm? Yes.

Would you mind,

would you mind staying through his session?

All right.

Uh, Mr. Reiger?

Would you step in now please?

Would you mind sharing this session with him?

Not at all.

Don't hog the therapy.

Well, Alex, what's it been like this week?

Well, Doc,

I've been thinking about my life a lot.

Where does Alex Reiger go from here?

I mean, uh, I don't want to crab

uh, we're here, we take a shot.

But when you examine my life,

I had a bad marriage, my wife was cheating on me.

Which was probably my fault,

I mean, I should have caught her sooner.

My daughter's grown, and, uh,

we're not as close as I'd like.

She does seem grateful,

but, uh, I think that's primarily

for not inheriting my nose.

Are you self-conscious about your nose?

No! Well, I sure am!

I got a honker here that won't quit!

I mean, who are we kidding?

But forget about how I screwed up things right now.

I was thinking just the other night,

I got a mediocre job which I do very well.

Yeah.

But it doesn't stimulate me. That's right.

I like my friends, but the nature of the relationship

seems to be that I'm some kind of authority figure.

Right.

I listen to their problems

and I'm not supposed to have any!

Yeah!

I take pride in accepting things the way they are,

but I just realized that maybe that's because, uh,

it's an excuse for not having any ambition.

(whistles)

I'm starting to realize

that my love for life is unrequited.

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, he's pouring out my heart here.

So, I was really down

till suddenly it came to me.

The exact thing that I should do

to put my whole life in order!

What's that?

And I feel like a million bucks!

What?

And you know what it is?

What?

It's so damn simple!

What, what, what, what, what?

The answer to it all is...

What?! What, what?!

(as LATKA): So, we had the bucket, we had the wood...

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

What was it? What?!

(babbling) No!

Mr. Reiger. He almost had it,

you heard him, he almost had it!

What? What's simple?

Alex, you're squeezing me.

Huh? Oh.

Thank you very much.

What is this?

Ooh, could I please go now?

I think I have a good seat to see Lena Horne.

Yeah.

I think we've accomplished a lot in one day.

Yeah, must've been placed here by a "put-pocket."

Bye-bye.

Thanks, Alex.

Good seeing you again.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

It was good seeing you, too.

Doctor, since there is time left in the session...

Have a seat.

(as LATKA): Thank you very much.

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(grumbling)