Original subtitles

See, I quit my job, got a motorcycle,

and I went on Tinder and swiped right on a girl

- holding a baby llama. - [laughs]

I'm gonna ask Leigh to marry me,

so you need to figure out a way to like her.

Matt, no, do not.

Are we good on time?

Yeah, my mom and sister are at work.

Perfect.

Jules has this great opportunity,

but I have this horrible feeling

that it is not gonna turn out right.

Tonight didn't go your way and I'm sorry,

but that is not Mom's fault or mine.

I should've maybe trusted myself,

but I can't stop seeing myself through your eyes.

And the longer I stay here,

the less I'll be able to see myself any other way.

[melancholy music]

What the hell is primerizer?

[light flute music]

- Ooh. - I think I did an okay job

on this eye, but I couldn't make this one match.

I think my eyes are lopsided. Do I look weird?

Um... well,

I wouldn't go out like that, but you always look pretty.

What is that?

- Drew sent this to me. - I thought it was a vibrator,

but apparently it's for cleansing.

Huh.

Have you talked to Jules?

Yeah, she was doing that thing where she acts

like nothing's wrong but you know she's mad.

Oh, yes, I am familiar with that thing.

- She'll get over it. - I know, but...

it's just... you know,

Christmas is right around the corner and...

I wasn't sure how you felt about Christmas this year.

I'm generally pro-holiday.

Honey.

Honestly, I don't know what to expect.

We don't have to do anything Christmasy

if you don't want to.

Really, is that why you bought this?

Well, it was just in case.

I mean, no pressure. You know, I can return it.

I don't want to be responsible

for breaking a Shaw holiday tradition.

- Look... - [inhales]

I know Christmas might be hard, but isn't that why we need it,

especially this year?

It's a time for the whole family

to come together and, you know, Team Shaw.

But no pressure.

- Am I pushing too hard? - No.

Uh... no. I want to try.

- We don't have to. - I know.

Do you want a smoothie?

- Yes, I'm starving. - Great.

Thank you.

[light piano music]

What do you think?

Oh, hey, sadly, that... that looks like your best work.

- Damn. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I was hoping to land a job wrapping gifts at the mall...

Yeah, well good thing Mom doesn't care how it looks.

What'd you get her?

Uh, I got her a Fitbit, but, uh, my real gift

is bringing your ass to Christmas on time.

Don't ditch me like you did last year.

- I did not ditch you, man. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

Aunt Cheryl starts yelling at me for not having any kids,

I look around, and you're gone.

That's because Uncle Justin pulled me into the kitchen

and wouldn't let me go until I promised to convert

all of my currency to gold.

He's still into that Armageddon thing? Jeez.

We gotta look out for each other in there, man.

- Yeah, okay. - And if we get separated,

we keep an eye out.

Leave no man behind.

Like SEAL Team Six.

[laughs]

[distant overlapping chatter]

Wait, is this the line for the bathroom?

Screw that.

- Excuse me. - Yeah, you can't go up there.

- I have to go up there. - I have to pee.

No, nobody's allowed upstairs.

Yeah, I gotta... I gotta do it...

There's a bathroom right over there.

Okay, have you seen the line?

Yeah, uh, we're just asking that nobody goes upstairs.

Have you seen the sign?

Okay, so, do you want me to just squat and pee

on your floor? 'Cause I will.

Can somebody get Jordan?

Yeah, somebody get Jordan.

Tell him this party sucks, the music blows,

your nativity scene is stupid as shit,

and you don't even have any real food.

[laughs]

- What are you laughing at? - Nothing.

You know what, I'm gonna get my bag.

This is stupid.

That girl is certifiable.

Literally, who brought her here?

[scoffs]

- Hi. - Hey.

You got a minute?

Of course, what's up?

How's Richard and Sabrina's?

- Oh, it's great. - They actually like me.

See you next time, guys.

Look, I know you're mad.

- I'm not mad. - I'm just trying

to do the healthy thing and create boundaries.

Well, you picked a bad time

to create boundaries. It's Christmas.

Oh, well that explains the Christmas lights

and Christmas trees and Christmas music.

So you're not gonna come home and do the ornaments

or the gingerbread house?

Jules, you're the only one that's good at it.

I'm busy looking for my own place.

You can't afford to live on your own.

I can afford a studio somewhere.

Where, Idaho?

Look, Mom needs this,

and she really wants you home for the holidays.

Well, there are things that I want too.

Okay, Jules, Christmas is already hard enough

without one member of the family.

Okay, I hope I see you...

at home.

I thought you were getting your bag.

[chuckles] I knew it,

they're not even vegan.

How do you know Jess?

I don't.

I'm crashing this party.

Seriously?

I got dumped this morning and I was walking by

and I thought, "Hmm, either I can go home"

and be sad, or I can go inside and have fun."

Didn't realize this party was gonna be so lame.

[scoffs] Sorry about the breakup.

- Whatever. - What's your excuse for coming?

Um... Jess' sister is setting me up

with someone, but she's late.

- Hmm. - Show me a picture.

- She's hot. - What'd you expect?

- Your mom's calling. - [phone pinging]

[phone silences]

- Damn. - You're ghosting your mom?

I'm not ghosting my mom.

Maybe a temporary ghosting.

- Why? - Why would I tell you?

What, are you afraid I'm gonna tell everyone

some dude I don't know sent his mom to voicemail?

It's not even about my mom.

She's planning a family Christmas,

and I really don't wanna go this year.

So tell her you don't wanna go.

It's not that easy.

- Give me your phone. - I'll do it.

[chuckles] That's okay.

You do everything your mom wants?

She didn't like that I quit my job or got a motorcycle.

Oh, cool.

So you're going through a midlife crisis.

- No. - No offense, dude,

you just have a pretty conventional way

of being unconventional.

I'm not trying to be anything, I'm...

This is getting boring.

I'm gonna grab a souvenir and go.

- A souvenir? - Yeah, they don't have

goodie bags here, so I'm gonna grab my own goodie.

Peace.

[scoffs]

[jazzy "Jingle Bells"]

You're done?

What else is there to say?

He was in my dream last night.

Matt?

Yeah.

It's happened a few times, actually.

What happened in your dream?

We were in your old apartment.

What were you doing?

We were just on the couch, laughing.

- About what? - What did he say?

I can't remember. Uh...

All I know is, we were cracking up,

and it was really nice to laugh with him again.

It felt really real, you know, like I could touch him.

You're home.

- Just for this. - I'm not staying.

Oh, okay.

Uh, I could use a hand wrapping presents.

Sure, uh, but I have class in an hour, so...

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Okay, um...

Well, we could, uh, put up the lights tomorrow

and make the gingerbread house.

And if you decide to spend the night, I... I made your bed.

Thanks for making my bed, but I'm not spending the night.

That's no problem at all.

Just, you know, if you change your mind.

What happened to your souvenir?

It's in my bag.

I got one too.

Why'd you take that cheap bottle?

It's the one I brought.

- [laughs] - What'd you get?

You ripped off the nativity scene?

That's straight-up sacrilegious.

Ah, please, they meant it ironically.

I'm gonna go catch a bus.

You want some company?

I thought you had a date.

I can cancel.

I don't care what you do.

What did you do differently?

Well, you just, um, prop your elbow on something

so it stays steady.

How am I a grown woman

and I still don't know how to do this?

[chuckles] Because you didn't have

a soul-sucking corporate job like I did.

Yeah, I still can't believe that that was your job.

- No, me neither. - That's why I quit.

Do you dream about Matt?

- Uh... sometimes. - Why?

'Cause I don't anymore,

like, ever.

Well, um... I mean, it's normal to lose

some of that connection as you move forward.

You want to go back and see my medium?

I'm glad I did it that one time, but I... I felt

like she was on the phone with him

telling me what he was saying and I...

I want to see him myself.

I... I just wanna touch him.

You're into that transcendental stuff.

Is... is there a way that you can make

your mind dream about someone?

Well, lucid dreaming, but that takes years of practice.

[sighs]

Do you think you could handle something intense

if it meant that you could see Matt now?

Are you going home for the holidays?

No way.

My dad molested me when I was a kid.

I'm just kidding.

What?

- I'm kidding. - I am. I am.

- That's messed up. - [laughs]

Wanna tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

I don't think Santa wants me sitting on his lap.

What about you? What would you ask him for?

Oh, um...

I'd ask to go to better parties.

And I'd ask for my boss to, like, get off my dick.

I'd ask my dad to speak to my mom again.

She's sick, um, so it'd be cool

if we could have, like,

a meal all together before she... goes.

But there's nothing I can really do about that.

What about you?

You want more poser stuff like the bike?

Um...

I...

I wanna feel free.

From what?

Everything.

Everyone.

I don't even know.

What do you think Santa wants?

Hey, Santa!

What do you want for Christmas?

A raise.

- Hey, that's the, uh... - Belhaven Hotel.

I heard it's haunted.

Do you think that ghosts

throw better Christmas parties than hipsters?

[bell dings]

Come on.

Hey, man, um, listen.

This is all I have. Take it.

- Merry Christmas, Santa. - Merry Christmas.

Julianne?

Julianne, I totally forgot about Julianne.

Oh, here, here, here, here she is.

Uh, Leigh, do you remember my friend Neil?

- Hey. - He's brought you

- your Christmas present. - Oh, I love presents.

I haven't seen you since you were a kid.

Wait, was that before you moved to Topanga?

Yeah, yeah, but, you know, back then,

that was the one place

you could grow pot without getting hassled.

Well, Neil is a connoisseur.

[sighs] Not anymore.

It's a big business now.

Do you remember in the old days when we used to make rent

- from a few dozen joints? - We?

- Uh, no, no. - That's not what he meant.

- Mom. - Well, it was

a one-time thing, to friends.

I mean, I wasn't dealing. [stammers]

Well, technically I... you... never mind.

That's not why Neil came.

Your mom told me about your husband.

I am so sorry.

Thank you.

I have something that may help.

What?

Ever hear of DMT?

It's sort of like ayahuasca,

just without the puking and the diarrhea.

So are you getting me drugs for Christmas?

I'm telling you, this will really

take you out of your body into a totally different place.

- But there's a catch. - Just one?

It will only be a good experience

if you're in a good place.

- Well, how do you know? - Have you done this before?

I'm your mother.

I would never give you a drug I hadn't tried myself.

I am in a good place, but...

I've tried mushrooms once.

I've... obviously smoked pot a few times,

but this sounds a little crazy.

Honey, you're hoping that Matt's

gonna come and visit you on your plane.

But if you want to see him,

you're gonna have to find him on his plane.

What kind of music do you want?

What does Spotify recommend for hallucinating?

[chuckles] I'll pick.

[smooth music playing]

Now, in the right environment,

this can be a wonderfully transportive experience,

but there are no guarantees.

The places it takes you to can be, um...

hmm, inhospitable.

- Okay. - [exhales]

- Let's do this. - Okay.

Neil loaded the pipe for you.

- Is that a crack pipe? - No, no... uh, maybe.

But it's never been used. Here.

You want me to stay?

I think I should do this by myself.

Okay, so, uh, I'll get you going, and then I'll leave.

- Okay. - Ready?

- Yeah. - God, this is so weird.

[singing] It's all you need

When telling everyone that you're free

Hold on, you'll see...

See any ghosts yet?

Nah, maybe they don't like you.

They?

Married couple, got murdered here in the '70s,

Two in the Tub Murders. You never heard of them?

No.

They were here on their fifth anniversary.

Opened the door to the wrong guy,

and he dissolved their bodies in the bathtub.

I guess the lesson is, don't get married.

Or you never know when it's your time,

so do what you want while you still can.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna jump in the pool.

Do it.

[singing] It's all you need

When telling everyone that you're free

Hold on, you'll see

It won't be that hard to forget me

I hope you won't...

[thunder rumbling]

Will you forgive

That I left?

Should've predicted

Why you would hate

[spacey music]

[music fades]

[echoing] Leigh.

[echoing] Leigh, I'm here.

[breathing heavily]

Leigh, stop.

[melancholy music]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[gasping]

[breathing heavily]

Oh.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

[somber music]

[tires squeal]

[horn honks distantly]

[breathing heavily]

[mellow guitar music]

Simone?

Damn.

- J. - Hey.

You're the only one who messaged me back.

I think I need new friends.

Your brother used to do it for me.

So... what happened?

Whatever it is, I have been there.

- Met a girl. - Check.

- Bottle of wine. - Big check.

I woke up, my phone and wallet were gone.

- She took your stuff. - She did.

She did. Strange thing about it, though, is,

it's still totally worth it.

She was that freaky in bed?

[both laugh] I mean, yeah, that,

but, you know, like, all of it.

So, uh, what do you need, coffee and a ride home?

- Yes, yes. - Okay.

[somber music]

No, I don't know where I lost it.

That's why I had to get a new phone, Mom.

Okay, well, next time, I'll do that.

But, look, about Christmas: I'm not going.

No, I don't mean I'm not driving with you.

I mean I'm not going. Because I don't want to...

Okay.

No, Mom... Mom, listen.

I'm not trying to hurt you.

I'm just telling you, I don't want to go.

I'm not going and that... that's it.

I... I gotta go.

["O Come All Ye Faithful"]

[door opens and shuts]

- Hi. - Hey.

I was beginning to get worried.

- Why? - I said I'd be here.

Well, a while ago.

You hungry? I made some quinoa salad.

I'm good.

- Where have you been? - Helping out a friend.

We waited for you to do the gingerbread house.

I wasn't making you wait at a bus stop at 3:00 a.m.

It's still rude.

You said you were gonna be a part of Christmas.

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, but if you're gonna do it, do it.

Don't be all passive-aggressive about it.

- I'm not. - Girls.

We're all together. Let's just do the lights.

Is it so hard to just say, "I'm sorry"?

- [scoffs] - I just can't believe that

I had this amazing experience with Matt

and now I have to deal with this.

What are you talking about?

Don't worry about it.

Um, I helped Leigh with something.

It's not important.

Oh, so now that I'm out of the house,

you two have all these secret things that you do together?

- No! - You know what?

Maybe I should just go back to Richard and Sabrina's.

- No. - Maybe you should.

- Leigh! - Jules, Jules.

- Please don't go. - You think I want to?

I would rather be at home.

I want to be part of this family, but...

- You are. - No, I'm not.

You two are doing exactly what you always do

and no one seems to care,

but it's also my first Christmas without Matt

and my first Christmas sober,

and you two are really hard to be around without alcohol.

We totally forgot,

it is your first Christmas without Matt.

How hard that must be for you.

You are such a bitch.

And everyone lets you get away with murder

- because your husband just died. - Okay.

Can you tell me, Leigh, is there a point

when you stop pulling the Matt card?

Is it one year, five?

Can you just ballpark it for me?

Jules, you have a whole wallet full of cards,

and you're always pulling them.

You act like you are the only person who was ever

an alcoholic or adopted

and no one understands your secret pain.

- Leigh. - But newsflash:

there are a lot of people in the exact same pain you're in,

and they have figured out how not to be living nightmares.

At least I'm not a total sociopath

who's lying through her teeth.

What's that supposed to mean?

You can't shut up about your dead husband,

meanwhile, you're having sex with some guy on the sly.

- What? - Yeah.

I found the condom wrapper when I was taking out the trash.

Why were you going through my trash?

- It wasn't your trash. - What idiot throws away

a condom wrapper in a shared bathroom?

What, you're sleeping with someone?

I cannot believe you're slut-shaming me.

Who?

It's none of anyone's business.

Keep your gross secrets, okay.

I don't even care anymore. I am done with this.

I thought it was the three of us, but you know what?

Team Shaw is bullshit, and I can't believe it took me

so long to figure out that you'll never change.

I don't wanna be part of this family.

You're a terrible family.

- Stop it! - We are supposed to be

all that we have!

[door opens and shuts]

[light sleigh bell music]

[singing] We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Good tidings we bring

To you and your kin, we wish...

I remember that feeling, the first time

you run towards somebody. That's a lot.

What was yours?

Oh, oh, God.

I have never seen those.

How come we never have people over for holiday dinners?

Because my mother was crazy,

and my family is a product of her madness.

[singing] 'Tis the season to be jolly

La, la, la...

Did you go to bed?

- No, not yet. - But, you know, I can nap later.

- Smells divine. - Richard's gonna flip.

all: Merry Christmas!

- Uh... I... - I know.

My heart's going nuts.

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