Original subtitles

Cramer, Snowy Peaks isn't big enough for the both of us.

Then I guess we'll just have to deflate your head, Lance.

Ready,

set,

go.

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH PANTING)

We'll meet again, Cramer.

Oh, gee, I can't wait. It's such a pleasure skiing with you, Lance.

(WHEELS SPINNING)

Hi. Give you a push, ma'am?

Oh, would you?

Sure.

Thanks.

Come on, Dumpster.

Come on. That's it.

Okay!

Oh, look at you. Come on.

WOMAN: Hey, Jerry.

Hey! Come on, let's go.

We'll go over there. Come on.

Welcome back.

Santa. Girls.

How's business?

(SCOFFS)

I hate snow.

Maris, I hope you didn't ask me down here to talk about the weather.

No, I asked you down here to talk about money, my friend.

What kind of money do you make at Snowy Peaks?

$200 a pop for privates.

How would you like to make 10 times that amount?

Maybe more. Here's a preview.

Maristown!

My friend... What do you want to do?

...I've got such plans for this valley.

Just another ski lodge?

No, no, no. That's penny ante.

That's dime a dozen. This is a major destination resort.

This could be the biggest money-making machine of all time if...

If what?

If Snowy Peaks is mine!

(LAUGHS)

I'd love to dream with you, pal, but I got an 11:00.

Are you saying you're perfectly happy with Snowy Peaks?

There's nothing about it you would change?

Not the ski patrol? Not Jerry Cramer?

What's he got to do with this?

Well...

Everybody knows you two just don't get along that well.

You want him out of here and I want Snowy Peaks.

Two birds...

...one stone.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

But you know Pop Sandrich will never sell.

(LAUGHS)

He won't have to.

His 40-year lease with the park commission

is up for renewal.

And if he should have a couple of major violations,

oh, son of a gun, you know he could lose it?

Poor Pops.

Well...

I guess my 11:00 can wait.

And, you know, what if Pops does lose his lease?

I just might have to make you prince of Maristown.

There won't be any room for Jerry Cramer.

(LAUGHS)

JERRY: Hey, old timer!

(CHUCKLING)

Old timer?

Boy, you're just lucky the doc says

no more skiing on these knees,

or I'd tan your hide in a run down K-7.

Oh, glad to have you back, Jerry.

Glad enough to pay me the overtime you owe me from last season?

Well, I had to make sure you'd come back, didn't I?

Look at this place, Jerry. Look at it!

Don't open for two days and it's already jammed.

Hey, Pops, while I'm here,

I'm gonna run these up to the bar.

Yeah, thataboy. Take 'em up there. Yeah.

Hey, Pops, Stan gave me a ride over here

and I didn't want to ask him so I'll ask you.

Is he gonna try out for the patrol again?

Yep.

All right, I'll keep an eye on him.

Amongst other things.

That niece of mine is quite a woman.

See you later, son.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Do your stuff.

(SNORTING)

JERRY: Wait a minute! Stop!

Oh, no, Dumpster!

He's not moving. Oh! Oh, help me, someone!

Is he... Is that blood? What is that?

Jerry, I am so sorry. I didn't see him.

Is there anything I can do?

Well, you... You can just...

Hold me.

And comfort me all night.

All night? All night.

(BELCHES)

This dog does not need a vet, Jerry,

he needs a little black coffee. He is drunk.

And he was doing so well on the program.

You know, he's pretty cute,

but what are you hanging around with such a mutt for?

He's not a mutt.

I was talking to the dog.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN WHOOPING)

(ULULATING)

Hey, Stan.

Hey, Jerry. How's it going?

Okay. Hi, Dumpster.

What've you got there?

Oh, it's Thera-Band. It's brand new.

They're putting it in all the first-aid kits.

See? It stretches but it doesn't break.

I'm just using it to beef up my forearms for recertification.

I'm gonna make it this year.

Good.

* Now that I can dance

* Watch me now

(SHOUTS)

* Now work it out, y'all

* Now, now, now, now, you are driving me crazy now, now, baby

(SHOUTS)

* Just a little soul now, y'all

Help me, Stevie!

* Work it out, baby

* Oh, you're driving me crazy

* Oh, just a little bit of soul now

Help me, Michael.

(IN SOFT VOICE) * I do mashed potatoes

* I can do the twist

(EXCLAIMS)

* Tell me, brothers

* Can you moonwalk like this?

Eddie Murphy!

Come on, y'all, what you wanna tell me now?

Y'all are gonna tell me now. Come on.

Can y'all tell me now?

* Do you love me now?

* Do you love me now?

* Do you love me?

* Now that I can dance

(ALL CHEERING)

Iceman!

Ice! Ice!

Jerry, what's happening, boy? What's going on there?

(INDISTINCT)

Good to see you! How you doin'? Nice!

Yo, tell me something, man, is that a perm or what?

Hey, man, it's natural beauty. Don't make jokes, all right?

All right, it's cool. Is that your new toy?

Toy? Toy?

$529.99 plus tax. Toy?

Look here, baby, this is my key to the top.

Let me tell you something.

After this season, it's goodbye Snowy Peaks, hello Caesar's Palace.

You know what I'm saying?

So, naturally, the Iceman...

(SNOWMOBILE HUMMING)

Uh-oh.

Gang way! Clear out!

Four, three, two, one!

Here's Eddie!

ALL: Hey!

Welcome back, my boy!

(ALL GREETING)

MYRON OVER BULLHORN: Martinez! Martinez!

Martinez! Marti... Martinez!

Just because you're the explosives expert

does not mean you can just blow in here

in that hot rod, is that clear?

Hey, Myron, buddy!

I brought you something for your bullhorn.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Get down!

(WHISTLES)

(ALL LAUGHING)

You crazy, man.

Oh, look, the Ranchero!

A few more mascots than last year, huh, guys?

(IMITATING RODNEY DANGERFIELD) Yeah, what do you know?

They followed me from my apartment in New York.

I get no respect!

Uh, I tell ya, anybody got a cat?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey, man, you need... You need to work on that.

Same room?

ICEMAN: Same room, bro.

Okay, come on.

STANLEY: Hey, did you hear what happened to me last summer?

EDDIE: I read about it!

Long as we don't have to test it on those mice.

(EXCLAIMING)

Whoa! Whoa!

(CRASHING)

Damn.

(GROANING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey.

Oh, man, it's 4:30 in the morning.

This is lame.

You know Murray.

Since he's director, he has to play everything official.

Yeah.

Hey, Ice, how come you're not complaining?

Ice?

Ice!

Oh, man, you woke me up.

Man, I was just having a dream.

Me and Rhonda were just getting ready...

All right, can I have your attention, please?

Thank you.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce to you

your guiding light for the next few months.

Let's all say hello to our director,

Murray Tuttle!

(SCREAMS)

What in the Sam Hill did I trip...

(FARTS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Whose dog is this?

It's mine. Handsome hound, isn't he, Murr?

Cramer, I hate dogs. I...

(SNEEZES)

See, I am allergic to dogs.

Hey, but he loves you, Murr.

Get him out of here!

Now, every...

Everybody listen up!

Listen up.

(SNEEZES)

Inspector Crabitz of the park service

decides who makes this team,

but you bozos got to get past me first.

So for those of you who've been wasting my time for seven years,

it's a full-fledged tryout.

Now...

This season, I'm very pleased to say

that visiting us from a foreign country

is someone very special.

This sweet young lady's name is Tiana Chechornia.

Uh, Czeckornia.

Isn't that something?

Now she is an exchange patroller from Bratslavea.

Bratislava.

Shut up, Myron!

She's here to study our techniques.

So don't make me look stupid.

Is that clear to everybody?

All right.

Let's see what you got.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

MAN: All right! WOMAN: All right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

WOMAN 1: Okay, let's go.

WOMAN 2: Meet you later, guys. Bye.

Hey, Murray? What?

Me and the boys got you a gift.

Well, isn't it my lucky day?

(READING)

Oh, right, yeah. Ha, ha.

Hey, Murray, we're just trying to help, okay?

We know you have a complex about your height.

I don't have a complex about my height!

The only thing complex around here

is how I'm gonna get you nitwits through recertification!

Get out of here.

Wha... Oh, hey, look. Look.

Does this... Does this stuff really work?

Murray, it works.

All right, let's go!

Okay, guys, pay attention.

This is our 75mm recoilless rifle.

It's our avalanche buster.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

MURRAY: What do you people think this is, a fiesta?

There are too many people up there.

Now one of you, come on down.

(FIRES) Ow!

Come on, let's go.

Oh, Stan, Stan.

Stanley, son,

I believe the same thing happened last year, didn't it?

Well, actually, it was two years ago.

MURRAY: Okay.

Shooting the hole is the toughest run on the mountain.

Now I want y'all to be careful,

but I want to see some speed down there!

Whoa.

Sending down the first one. Go for it.

Nice job! Eddie, you're up.

Here comes number two.

Look, for some reason, I just can't shoot the hole.

Look, all you need is confidence, Stanley.

You can do it.

Yeah, man, just relax. Chill out.

You see, shooting the hole

is just like making love.

I've never made love.

BOTH: Good luck.

JERRY: Here comes number three. Go for it, man.

See you at the bottom.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, no!

(SCREAMING)

(CLATTERING)

Oh, God!

There goes his family life.

Oh, oh! Oh, no!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right, everybody in!

MURRAY: Martinez...

Good work.

Iceman...

Thank you very much, Mr. Tuttle.

My mom is gonna appreciate this very much.

She's gonna love it.

Thank you, sir. Good work.

Oh, Lord, 911!

911! Somebody call the ambulance!

Oh, that's funny. That's brilliant. That's real funny.

You know, Iceman, I bet you're gonna win

that Poolitzer Prize for humor.

It's Pulitzer.

Shut up, Myron.

Where's Cramer?

Murr?

Don't sneak up on me, boy.

Kind of like a general, huh, Murr?

Yeah, like a general pain in the butt.

Now, listen, Cramer, with seniority comes something special.

Oh, the R word? Yes, Cramer!

The R word. Responsibility, Cramer.

Goes for all of you! Responsibility.

Now please don't let me down...

Oh!

What the...

Murr, looks like you made a new friend.

(SNEEZES)

Get that beast out of here, Cramer.

And I mean it! Or I'm... I'm gonna turn on you like a mother-in-law.

Here... Oh! Oh! And another thing.

Get these... These vermin out of here.

Cramer, this is against health regulations.

Catch my drift, son? Get 'em out of here.

All right, everybody out.

Come on. Everybody out.

(ALL CHATTERING)

What do you want?

A gold pin. Did I pass?

A gold pin?

You want a gold pin, do you?

Well, let me... Let me put it this way, Stanley.

Son, I hope you can shovel better than you ski.

I'm so sorry, Stanley.

Oh, that... That's okay.

Same thing happened last year.

I guess I should be getting used to it by now.

I know how much you wanted to be on the patrol.

I wish you could be.

Well, if they ever start a shovel patrol,

I'll definitely be in charge of that.

Thanks anyway, Tiana.

* Girl stood on the burning deck... *

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)

(TRAILER SQUEAKING)

Who the hell is parked in my spot?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, hi.

The band and me were just jamming for the talent show.

Kind of loud, but loud's best, right, man?

Yeah, right, yeah.

Look here, little mister,

you get this oversized trash compactor out of here

or I'm gonna tear you...

MAN: What'd that guy want?

SUICIDE: Well, he wants to come in.

Let him in!

They say come on in.

Who? Them, the band.

Who? They want to meet you.

I don't know who you're...

They're right over there.

Who? Come on in.

MURRAY: Oh, my Lord.

Meet the band.

This is Buried.

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) If you want us to leave, we will, kind sir.

The guys call me Suicide.

I play drums.

And over here, the wizard of the keyboards.

This is Slaughter.

(IN DEEP VOICE) You want trouble, you got trouble!

He likes you. No, I don't!

He's a little temperamental.

Would you like to hear some of our music?

No, thank you, that's... Great! That's great.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)

Shut it off!

(MUSIC STOPS) Shut it...

...off.

That's music, huh?

And this is our inspiration.

Rocket skis!

Speed, thrills and fun!

See, with these, we'll taste death, live life.

Hold on there a minute, little buddy boy.

You use rocket skis on my slopes,

and the only thing you, you and you

are gonna be tasting is my foot in your face.

Do you read me?

Like a comic book.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Like a biker magazine!

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) Like Vogue.

Son, did anybody ever tell you

you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic?

Okay, great. You guys are doing great.

Brooke, keep your edges in, okay?

Your inside edges. Good.

Cindy, you're awesome.

Look at you!

What do we think?

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) I think I want to go home.

(IN DEEP VOICE) You, candy ass, we can't take you anywhere!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey, come on, guys, don't fight, all right?

All right, let's just go for it!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah.

So what are we waiting for? Let's shred this hill!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) He's right. Taste death, live life!

(SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

Yeah!

(AS BURIED) Oh, no!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Looks like someone to play with.

Then let's play hardball.

(SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(AS BURIED) Look out, no brakes!

(SCREAMS)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SCREAMING)

(AS BURIED) Excuse me!

(AS SLAUGHTER) Out of the way!

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I love it!

(AS SLAUGHTER) This is better than sex!

MAN: Hey!

What's that guy doing up here with a snowboard?

What's he doing with our sign?

Then let's go nail the sucker! Come on, man.

Hey, guys, we crossed the finish line first!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GASPS)

Oh, no! Whoa!

(HONKING)

(SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

Hey, Ice, how about the old clothes-line trick?

Let's do it.

I'm real!

(AS BURIED) I think I wet my pants!

(AS SLAUGHTER LAUGHING)

(AS SLAUGHTER) Coming through!

Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

Honey, you got anything to cool this down?

Oh, no!

Thanks.

That's great, you guys. You're doing great. Keep it up.

(SUICIDE SCREAMING) That's good.

Hey, you're gonna kill yourself!

I am!

(SUICIDE SHRIEKING)

You idiot!

Sorry. This is my first time.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(AS BURIED) Wait! What's that?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) What's what?

That! That! It looks like a rope!

Damn, man, don't pull so hard.

We're gonna eat it!

(SCREAMING) No!

(GROANS)

I'm so sorry, Mr. Patrolman.

Sorry, my ass!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Taste death, live life.

Let's get Larry, Moe and Curly out of here.

Yeah. All right, come on.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey. How are you?

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you again.

All right, fellas, listen up.

Remember, time is money.

Keep those unprofitable group lessons short

and always be on the lookout for ass grabbers.

Ass grabbers, sir?

Rich, middle-aged women.

You grab their ass and they'll practically beg you to take their money,

among other things.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Hi. How you doing?

Hi, how are you?

ALL: Right, left, right, left...

(CHUCKLES)

Stop! WOMAN: Hold it!

Ready on the right?

Ready on the left?

Ice?

All set, Jerry.

Free for all!

(ALL WHOOPING)

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

* Old man rhythm standing in my shoes

* No need sitting or singing the blues

* So be my guest

What the hell is that?

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

* Ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby, ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby

* Ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

* Feel like jumpin', baby, won't you join me, please?

* I don't mind begging but now I'm on bended knees

* I got to get the rocking, get my hat off the rack

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHS) That was great!

* Be my guest, you got nothing to lose

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

* Ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby, ooh-ee

* Yeah, ooh-ee, baby, ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

(ALL GASPING)

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

* I gotta get to the rockin', baby, I ain't lying

* My heart is beating rhythm and it's right on time

* So be my guest, you got nothing to lose

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

* Ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby, ooh-ee

* Ooh-ee, baby, ooh-ee

All right, boys, light 'em up.

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

* Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise? *

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

(SCATTERED WHISTLING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

Okay, time to put a little tarnish on ski patrol's shine.

Maris' plan, phase one.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(MICE SQUEALING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello.

Thanks.

Uh, excuse me, sir? There's a $5 admission.

Oh, I guess you don't know who I am. I'm Sam Maris.

Maris Realty and Home Loan.

I'm usually comp-ed at things like this.

Yes, Mr. Maris, I know who you are, but you still have to pay $5.

Look, nothing goes on in this town that I can't just walk right...

What's the trouble, Ellen?

Sandrich, would you please tell this lady that I'm your guest?

Make him pay.

Don't worry, it's tax-deductable.

Thanks. Have a good time.

No, thank you.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Jeez.

Hey, Stan, my man! Pull up a chair, dude. Right, Myron?

Oh, they said that this table's only for ski patrollers.

I didn't pass the test.

Are you kidding?

Any man who cleans up after this squad

deserves to be in this squad.

Now sit down, homey, with your bad coat on.

Thanks.

I'm glad you came.

Thanks.

Oh! Here, I brought this for you.

It kind of got squished, but...

For me?

Thank you, Stanley.

(TITTERING) Aw, gee.

FEMALE MC: Can I have your attention, please?

Would you please help me in giving a warm welcome

to her honor, Mayor Biard?

Thank you.

Forty years ago,

Pop Sandrich traded his saddle for a pair of skis,

and not only founded this ski lodge,

but our community as well.

Pops, tonight is your night.

Pops, for your 40 years of joy

and caring and community spirit,

the whole town would like to present you with...

(MICE SQUEAKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, no. What...

Hey! Hey, those are our mice.

How'd they get here?

Please don't step on 'em! Let's just get 'em!

I'm doing this for the neighborhood.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

I got one.

POPS: ...40th anniversary and I...

Edna.

Inspector Crabitz to you, Sandrich.

WOMAN: (SCREAMING) Another one!

Now you people know that mice are against health regulations.

Where the hell'd they come from?

We don't know.

JERRY: I do.

They're pets.

Of the ski patrol.

CRABITZ: Well, pets or no pets,

I'm gonna have to write you a citation.

It's your first one in years, Sandrich.

Better make it your last.

Well, strike one, gentlemen.

Let's make it a quick inning.

WOMAN: Oh, no!

Can I help you, ma'am?

Yes, I lost my contact lens.

Your contact? Where?

Somewhere on this mountain.

Can you help me find it?

Yeah.

(ENGINE RUNNING) Where are we going?

Murray wants the main trails checked for obstacles.

Okay. I'll go down Badger's Pass.

(GRUNTS) Okay, I'll take Turner's.

(ENGINE STARTING) All right.

Guys, can you help me find my contact lens?

MAN 1: You bet! MAN 2: Yeah, sure, no problem.

Uh, Jerr? Jerry? Do you read me?

Jerry, come in!

What's up? Eddie?

(RADIO STATIC BUZZING)

Hello?

I got a little problem here.

Oh, whoa, whoa!

(ALL SCREAMING)

WOMAN 1: He almost killed us! WOMAN 2: This is crazy!

WOMAN 1: Really!

Come check this out! Hurry up.

Uh, Jerr? Make that a big problem.

Keep digging.

Hey, did anybody lose a contact lens?

(ALL CLAMORING)

This bothers me, Eddie. These machines were overhauled last week.

How could something like this happen?

I don't know, Jerr. All I know is it was fine yesterday.

Yeah.

Eddie, for God's sakes, you all right?

(SIGHS) Yeah, thanks, Pop. But I think this puppy's history.

Jerry, my God, this really is a mess.

Yeah, it is.

CRABITZ: A bigger mess than you think, Sandrich.

Edna. Well, uh...

(STAMMERING) This is unfortunate.

What's unfortunate

is that Snowy Peaks now has two major violations against it.

A lousy way to start a season, Sandrich.

And a patrol that can't keep a mountain safe

ain't gonna be a patrol anymore.

Wait a second, Edna.

These boys are good boys. They've never let me down before.

Look, I'm warning you people, any more of this crap,

and I'm gonna close this mountain down.

Edna, we have an impeccable safety record here.

I'll vouch for these kids.

They... Now, listen!

They are some of the best patrollers in the state, Edna.

Would you please take this back?

So, hotshot!

This season's barely begun and you've already blown it.

Well, I...

No! No! You listen to me.

You shape up or I will baste you like a Butterball.

And don't you think I can't do it, boy. Shape up!

(EXCLAIMS)

What the hell did I trip...

(BELCHES)

(EXCLAIMS)

(MURRAY SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

MURRAY: * All night long

* From midnight on

* Took my girl to church last night

* Let me tell you what she went and done

* She stood right up in the preacher's face

* And she chewed her chewing gum all night... *

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait just a goldarn minute.

Well, slap me silly.

(LAUGHS)

This stuff's really working.

Ooh, better not overdo it!

It's... It's really working.

I can't believe it. It's really, really working!

No more "short stuff!" No more "Mr. Little-Big!"

Here I come.

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hello, darlings.

Iceman, Cramer!

Plunk my tired, weary ass right here.

Go for it, Murr.

(SLURPING)

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Murray, slow down. Okay?

You got to know when to say when.

Shut up. This stuff makes me sleep like a baby.

Besides, I wanna tell you boys a little secret.

Because of those pills that Martinez gave me,

I've grown three inches in the last two days.

Oh? Go on!

(LAUGHS) I ain't shitting you!

I wouldn't have believed it myself

if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

Hey, listen, I can't fit in my own car.

Good. 'Cause you see, drinking and driving do not mix,

that's why I'm driving you home.

MURRAY: Not yet, you ain't.

I'm gonna find me a big, tall redhead.

I'm gonna get out on that floor and cut the rug.

Murr, look, alcohol and growth pills

can cause weird and strange things to happen.

Well, it so happens that tall people such as myself,

can handle...

(MOANS)

Liquor.

I saw this shit in The Exorcist.

Stanley.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, hi!

Hi. I tried to call you but you have no phone.

Oh, I don't need one. Who'd want to call me?

I would. You're very special.

To you, I can talk. Most American men interested only in sex.

Sex! Oh, I'm not interested in that.

Well, I mean, I am, but I wouldn't...

Well, I would, but, you know, I don't. Well, I...

Would you like to dance?

Dance? Uh, no.

Do you know how?

Oh, sure. No, really, I do.

Let's dance.

Oh, uh...

Come on. Stanley!

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, Stanley!

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

That's my boy, Stan!

Do you always carry champagne with you?

Well, class is my middle name.

I think I'm gonna let this breathe.

(SIGHS)

Jerry, pour the champagne.

Ellen, you know I'm crazy about you.

Honestly, what do you think of me?

I think you're an immature, wisecracking ski bum.

Oh, no, don't sugarcoat it.

Actually, you're pretty irresistible.

But you should settle down, start thinking about the future.

Jerry, what are you doing?

Thinking about the future.

I think we should go skiing.

(GROANS)

Jerry, what happened?

Jerry? What...

(LAUGHS)

You!

(GROANING)

Holy shit.

(DIAL TONE)

Holy shit!

(WHIMPERING) I overdid it.

(SOBBING) I took too many of these pills.

(SCREAMING)

I'm a frigging giant!

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh?

(ALL LAUGHING)

You bastards!

I'm gonna get you, Cramer! I'm gonna get you!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(MEN EXCLAIMING SOFTLY)

Now that's what I call dangerous curves.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Terrific! All right.

Excellent. Brenda, you're beautiful.

Okay. Nice angle.

Keep stepping into it. Beautiful!

Oh, that's it. Yeah!

Nice. Yeah. Throw your hair back.

All right. Beautiful.

Excellent. Oh, great.

Got to have it.

Yeah.

That was terrific, girls. Thank you.

Now all we've got to do is take those Snowy Peaks promo shots

we promised Mr. Maris and we'll be done.

Who's Maris?

Excuse me. Coming through.

Look at this. This is wonderful. Looking good.

Thanks for coming. How you doing?

Good. Just grab a girl up there. Thanks for coming.

I love it. Let's do it.

(AS BURIED) Maybe we shouldn't.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Maybe you're right.

(AS SLAUGHTER) Just do it!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay. Okay.

(LAUGHING)

We need another guy to even this out. Here, take this.

Have we got somebody over here that can even this line out?

Yo, man, you see this guy right here?

This here is the head honcho...

No, this guy. ...of ski patrol.

Great. Come on over.

Here's your man! Go! Get over there, man.

Go on, man. Heard that. Yeah.

Thank you. Head honcho, huh?

All right. Right in the center. Grab a girl.

(AS BURIED) How do you steer this thing?

(AS SLAUGHTER) Who cares? Go faster!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I'm going, I'm going.

(EXCLAIMING)

I love it!

(WHOOPING)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, you guys are doing so good. I'm so proud.

Especially you now, Nancy. I want you to keep your arms up, okay?

And keep your head up and look over my shoulder, all right?

(SCREAMING)

Damn that guy.

Sheila, wait right here. I'll be right back, okay?

Hey, idiot!

(AS BURIED) You're being paged.

(AS SLAUGHTER) I'm no idiot!

ELLEN: Stop this thing before you kill somebody!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

ELLEN: I'm hooked up on your binding. Will you stop?

I'm caught. I'm caught!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Stop this thing, damn it!

(SUICIDE SCREAMING)

Code blue! Slope 10. It's Ellen attached to runaway ski sailor!

Can you hear me? It's Ellen.

Ellen.

Damn.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Is that better, dear?

Oh, yes, much better.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, much better!

(BOTH GROANING)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

What are you doing?

Hey, ladies, how you doing?

Well, nice chatting with you.

And remember, I'm a professional. Don't try this at home.

Station 4-A. Stand by with an M-40. Stat!

Jerry! Jerry, help!

Hold on! I'm coming!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Jerry!

Jerry! Hurry up, Jerry!

(GRUNTING)

(ELLEN SCREAMING)

Oh, Jerry.

You okay? Don't ever do that again.

Whoa! Who was that masked man? I wanted to thank him.

Gentlemen, the safety portion of Crabitz's test.

Oh, correction.

An advanced copy of the safety portion of Crabitz's test.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

How'd you get this?

Um, little wallet-sized pictures of presidents.

With that plus what you guys are gonna do

to the ski patrol's equipment,

there's no way they're gonna pass.

This time tomorrow, Pops Sandrich will be ancient history.

And Maristown will be born.

And I'll be the proud new papa.

Yeah, well, I just thought of another idea of ensuring our little bet.

Come on.

How you doing?

(IMITATING RODNEY DANGERFIELD) Ho, I'll tell you, kid,

this is some place to come shopping with your mom, understand?

(REPEATS IN SPANISH)

(LAUGHING)

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, hey, this stuff.

Perfect.

Oh, hey, Martinez, what's going on?

Yo, Finkmeyer, what brings you to a hardware store?

Let me guess. Looking for a snap-on tool?

Look, Edward,

I know there's been a lot of bad blood

between the ski patrol and the ski school,

but I really think it's time to bury the hatchet

and put it all behind us, huh?

Adios, amigo.

Excuse me, Mr. Philips?

Hi.

I hate being the bearer of bad news,

but that ethnic fellow over there,

he's pulling a Frito Bandito number on you.

You go check his pockets, we'll get the police.

Eddie Martinez in jail?

Martinez? I don't believe it.

Why would he steal?

I don't know, but there must be something we can do. Now you've got to...

(SHUSHING)

Right.

Okay.

They won't budge on the bail.

Shoplifting? I don't believe it.

We gotta get him out of there.

If you guys don't pass this inspection tomorrow,

Pops is gonna lose the mountain.

We can't let that happen to him.

And Eddie's got to set off those explosives tomorrow and...

Yeah, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it.

How much money do we have?

$412.

There are 25 ski patrollers and all we have is $412?

Oh, that's just beautiful.

Well, I guess I can hock my singing machine.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, this is it. Hold on.

Yeah, guys, come here. This is it!

Yeah! Check it out.

"Mountain High Bar talent contest."

ALL: "Winner take all, $1,000."

Give me this thing. $1,000?

I can do that.

I can do... Man, I can knock this town on its butt.

Wait, wait, wait, you guys, hold it.

We can't just walk in there with this machine.

We gotta do something different here.

Yeah, but I got it.

(CHUCKLES) The Iceman has got it.

How about

a singing-and-dancing- choreographed- rip-you-up, ow, duet?

Duet? You're the only good singer we've got.

You see, with this machine

I can prerecord the other parts,

make it sound any way the Iceman wants.

All we need is a kick-ass dancer.

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah. You can kick some ass.

First time I saw you I said, "He be kicking some ass."

No, I wasn't kicking anyone's... No.

* I had to give you up

* But you didn't make it easy

* And even though I tried to stay away

* I will always

* Love you

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

Michelle Rohl, ladies and gentlemen, with the score to beat.

For the next act,

could you plug the output of this machine into your PA?

Yeah, sure.

MC: Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a last-minute entry,

one you'll have to see to believe.

From our local ski patrol, Stanley and the Iceman.

WOMAN: All right!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

* Calling out around the world

* Are you ready for a brand-new beat?

* Summer's here and all is right

* For dancing in the street

* Dancing in Chicago

* Dancing in the street

* Down in New Orleans

* Dancing in the street

* In New York City, y'all

* Dancing in the street

* All we need is music, sweet music

* There'll be music everywhere

* They'll be swinging, swaying

* And records playing

* And dancing in the street

* It doesn't matter what you wear

* Just as long as you are there

* So come on

* Every guy, grab a girl

* Everywhere around the world

* They'll be dancing

* Dancing in the street

* They're dancing in the street

* Dancing in the street

* This is an invitation

* Across the nation

* A chance for folks to meet

* They'll be laughing, singing and music swinging

* Dancing in the street

* In Philadelphia, PA

* Dancing in the street

* Baltimore and DC now

* Dancing in the street

* Can't forget the Motor City

* Dancing in the street

* All we need is music

* Sweet music

* There'll be music everywhere

* They'll be swinging and swaying and records playing

* Dancing in the street

* It doesn't matter what you wear

* Just as long as you are there

* So come on

* Every guy, grab a girl

* Everywhere around the world

* They'll be dancing

* Dancing in the street

* They're dancing in the street

* Dancing in the street

* Way down in LA every day

* They're dancing in the street

* Dancing in the street

* Here comes a big, strong man, take my hand

* Dancing in the street

* Dancing in the street

* Across the ocean blue, me and you

* Dancing in the street

* Dancing in the street

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have our winners.

Stanley and the Iceman!

Yes! All right, we did it!

ICEMAN: Party! Hey, party!

Ice, Ice, I need the money, man, to spring Eddie out of jail.

Yeah, all right, man. Go ahead, do it. Do it.

See you later.

Hey, Ice, wait up.

Stanley.

I have never met anyone like you.

I'll bet.

I've been wanting to do something for a long time

but I needed your permission.

Go ahead.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

The lodge has passed every other test.

Now it's up to you people.

Hey, don't worry, Pops. It's in the bag.

Yeah, we got you covered, Pops.

Okay, let's move it.

Hey, hey, Cramer! I think that's my job. I'm the director.

Okay.

Let's move!

Well, that's the last of 'em.

JERRY: Pre-fire safety check. Aiming mechanism.

Check. Clear in front?

Clear in front. Clear in the rear?

Clear in the rear. Clear!

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" what?

ALL: Oh, no!

Man, it don't make sense. The sight was fine an hour ago.

Now it's 50 degrees off.

I don't know what to say.

Try "goodbye."

Because as of 5:00 today, this mountain is closed.

(PEOPLE GROANING)

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, everybody,

may I have your attention for a moment?

No cowboy can stay on a bronc forever.

And 40 years is a good long ride.

What I'm trying to say is

Snowy Peaks has lost its lease.

And the park officials have revoked your patrol licenses.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

And for the good of the valley,

I've decided to

sell to Sam Maris.

I love you all. I know how hard you've tried,

but we just came up a day late

and a dollar short.

I know this is as much a shock to you as it is to me,

so take your time cleaning out your belongings.

You got half an hour to get off the mountain.

Move. Move.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Don't worry about it, man. It'll be all right.

Just chill out, okay?

Need a suitcase, Cramer?

(SIGHS)

Lance, just lay off.

It's a little early for vultures, isn't it?

This one wanted to pick while the meat was fresh.

Hey, come on! Come on.

Anytime, Cramer.

It's all right, man.

I'm really sorry about this, boys.

But you're all good patrollers

and you'll find a new lodge.

New lodges, but not new homes.

Pops, don't you see someone pulled a fast one on us?

What are you saying, son?

We've been sabotaged!

Someone went to a hell of a lot of trouble to make sure we'd fail

and kick us out of here.

Yeah, but who'd do that?

Hey, guys, come here. Check this out. Come here.

Come here, look at this.

Check it out over here.

(SNOWMOBILE ENGINE RUNNING)

(CHATTERING)

He did take the duty roster from the locker room.

Yeah, somebody moved the Howitzer sight,

screwed up all our machines.

Pops?

I don't think, I know.

I just don't know how to prove it.

I'm gonna have a little talk with Mr. Maris.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Maris, we've got to talk.

It's about how you sabotaged this mountain.

(SCOFFS) I sabotaged this mountain?

You're out of your mind, old man.

Taste death, live life!

(AS BURIED) Maybe we shouldn't.

(AS SLAUGHTER) Shut up, geek! It's showtime!

(ROCKET WHISTLING)

(SUICIDE YELLING)

Holy shit!

(SCREAMING)

This is an $800 jacket.

You still own this mountain, you're gonna pay for it.

You got any napkins in this dump?

(WOOD CREAKING)

Back away, Maris!

Back away! This thing's ready to go!

Get out! I can't!

Oh, please stop! Hey, get me out of here!

I'm stuck on a goddamned runaway weenie! Hey!

Let's do it!

MARIS: Somebody do something!

(MARIS SCREAMING)

Get me loose! Please!

Somebody!

Hey, Pops, hop on and hold on tight.

(EXCLAIMS) We about to do our thing!

Let's go!

MARIS: Somebody get me out of here!

Hey, please, get me out of here!

But I want a hot dog. I want a hot dog!

You're not gonna get one. They don't even have hot dogs here.

MARIS: Hey! Stop this thing, somebody! Anybody!

I'm a very important person, you hear me?

Stop it!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Hey! Hey, somebody get me out of here!

Hey! Hey!

(SCREAMING)

MURRAY: Help!

(STAMMERING) Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Tiana, stop, stop.

MURRAY: Can you hear me? I'm stuck!

Tiana, come here. I'm stuck down here.

(YELLING) Help!

Somebody's got to help me!

Murray.

Help! Somebody help me, please!

Anybody up there?

(SHUDDERING)

Hey, get me up from here!

Quiet. Loud noise can cause an avalanche.

(WHISPERING) Then, hurry up.

I'm going to traverse down.

Wait, wait, we don't have the proper rig.

I have an idea.

(YELLS)

(SCREAMING)

(CLATTERING)

Help.

Help.

Eddie, tie this on.

Ice, give me your lifeline.

No, man, I'll do it.

No, no, no, no.

I'll do it.

Pops, no, you're not.

You sure you can handle it?

You bet your ass I can handle it. Give me that rope.

(SIGHING)

Hiya, Sam!

(STAMMERING) Don't "Hi, Sam" me! Just throw me the rope.

Hey, I'd like to tell you a little story.

It'll help you relax.

The story's about how a heartless land developer

and his three ski-school lackeys...

They... Oh, hell.

You already know this story.

You wrote it.

You can't prove a thing.

Don't have to.

You're gonna blow your own whistle

or ride this hot dog down the express route.

You've lost your mind, old man.

No.

Just my lodge.

I ain't got nothing else to lose.

Oh, my God!

(WOOD CREAKING)

All right, listen!

The violations, the testing,

the Howitzer, everything, it was all...

(STUTTERING) It was all my fault.

Ski patrol's not to blame.

Okay, here's the rope!

(EXCLAIMING)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much. Oh, God bless you.

Maris, this is as close as you'll ever come to being a hot dog.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, hey, Pops, see you on the slopes tomorrow?

You bet. We'll be there.

Ooh, yeah! I like that, man. All right.

(ALL CHEERING)

What are they doing?

What are they doing?

(GRUNTING)

(DUMPSTER SNORTING)

(WHISTLES)

Come here, doggie.

Come here.

How's Dumpster doing?

Okay so far.

Sweet baby puppy, come here to Daddy.

Come here to Daddy. Yes.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Yes.

Murray, how are you doing?

I've just about got it.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, no. Oh, no!

(SNEEZING)

Don't sneeze!

(SNEEZING) Oh, no!

(EXCLAIMING)

(SNEEZING) Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord, help me! Oh!

(MURRAY EXCLAIMING)

MURRAY: Pull!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Pull!

Oh! Ow! Oh, pull! Yeah.

MURRAY: Here we go, here we go! Oh, pull!

(SNEEZING) It's okay!

(LAUGHING)

(SNORTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, look!

Oh, man, they're getting away! Let's go!

Let's get 'em!

Ice, throw me a rope.

Ice, what's that?

Thera-Band, man. It's the only thing we got.

Here, catch!

(SNOWMOBILE ACCELERATING)

Just be careful, will you?

(JERRY EXCLAIMS)

You guys keep going. Don't stop!

Go faster! Faster!

Ice, cut me loose.

(SIGHS)

(LANCE LAUGHING)

(LANCE EXCLAIMING)

Oh, shit!

JERRY: Look out!

(JERRY EXCLAIMING)

Check this, Cramer!

JERRY: Give it up, Finkmeyer!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Get off this mountain!

LANCE: Never, Cramer.

Bonehead!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(LANCE AND JERRY EXCLAIMING)

Limbo!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)

LANCE: See you later, Cramer!

Let go of me! Let go of me!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH ARGUING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(MOANING)

(GROANING)

ICEMAN: ...with your bad self. EDDIE: Iceman?

Yo?

He looks like a patroller, doesn't he?

Wait a minute, Eddie, check this out.

See? I told you he was going to kick ass, didn't I tell you that?

Thanks, guys.

Congratulations, Stan.

Thanks. A ski-patrol man!

Guys? Guys!

(POPS LAUGHING)

Okay, everybody. All right, gather around.

Come on, come on. Get one, get one.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

(EXCLAIMING) Now, well, now.

I'm not... I'm not very good at making mushy speeches,

but I would like to

thank you all and to...

Well, here's to a job well done!

EDDIE: All right! Yeah!

(ALL TOASTING)

And to Pops, who still owes me last season's overtime.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

MURRAY: (EXCLAIMING) Hey, hey, now!

Listen, don't forget about Snowy Peaks' newest mascot.

You sweet little... Yes, you are. You're a sweet thing.

(BELCHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's crazy, man.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

I'll go down for help.

You ain't going down without us!

I think we're all going down!

(SHOUTING) Help!

* Do you love me?

CHORUS: * I can really move

* Do you love me?

* I'm in the groove

* Do you love me?

* Do you love me?

* Now that I can dance

* Dance

* Watch me now!

* Work, work

* Oh, work it out, baby

* Work, work

* Well, you drivin' me crazy

* Work, work

* With a little bit of soul

* Work

* I can mash potato

* I can mash potato

* I can do the twist

* I can do the twist

* Now, now tell me, baby

* Tell me, baby

* Do you like it like this?

* Do you like it like this?

* Tell me! Come on

* Tell me

* Yeah!

* Do you love me now?

* Do you love me?

* Now, do you love me?

* Do you love me?

* Now, do you love me?

* Do you love me?

* Now that I can dance

* Dance

* Watch me now

* Work, work

* Oh, shake it up, baby

* Work, work

* Now shake it, darling

* Work, work

* With a little bit of soul now

* Work!

* Work, work

* Oh, get, get, baby

* Work, work

* Oh, now, drivin' me crazy

* Work, work

* Oh, now, don't get lazy

* Work

* I can mash potato

* I can mash potato

* I can do the twist

* I can do the twist

* Well, now tell me, baby

* Tell me, baby

* Do you like it like this?

* Do you like it like this?

* Tell me

* Tell me

* Tell me!

* Now, do you love me now?

* Do you love me?

* Do you love me now?

* Do you love me?

* Do you love me?

* Do you love me?

* Now that I can dance

* Dance