Original subtitles

And there you have it, folks.

A laminated piece of paper.

A++ math test not included.

Thank you, Sophie.

Couldn't you bring something normal to Show and Tell?

Yeah, like a ham.

How is a ham normal?

Nice comeback, Miss Perfect.

I'm not perfect.

Uh, Graham, you're up.

Wait till you see what I found in Douglas' study.

Hang on to your butts, my babies.

I got a hot potato.

As some of you may know, my house recently burned down.

Oooh.

And afterwards, I began living in an old man's sauna.

Oooh.

Graham, I don't have space to take that on emotionally.

My bad, Ms. Pronstroller.

Anyway, I ended up finding this box in his private study.

What you're about to see is scary, confusing,

and... at least in my case...

might make you faint and wake up in the backyard.

So...

No. No. No!

No! No! N...

You ever think how lucky we are

to be living in Southern California?

This school's on a fault line.

The slightest tremor, the earth will swallow our children.

Douglas!

Care to explain this?

Okay. Porn. Porn on the playground.

Porn on the playground. Children!

♪ And we're looking over here ♪

♪ And we're looking over here ♪

♪ Whatever you do, don't stop looking over here ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

02x09 - A Place Where Men Can Be Men

You know, this is all your fault, Douglas!

Why would you have your smut lying around our house?!

My house. And I should be the angry one.

These magazines were near-mint,

and now Graham got

his Cheeto-dust fingers all over them.

Now the whole collection's worthless.

Keep your porn on a thumb drive

hidden in a ziplock bag submerged in shampoo like a normal person.

I'm too rich to be aroused by digital pornography.

A-A-And what kind of parent doesn't know

what their kid's hoarding in their backpack?

A bad one!

Wait, no. I accidentally walked into that.

No, take back! Take back!

Don't make me out to be a bad mom, Douglas.

He found your nudie mags,

and now he needs me to talk him through what they all mean.

That's right, you jerks.

I am going to give him The Talk.

Watch and learn, Douglas.

Mom... am I a criminal?

Ms. Pronstroller said I'm a pornography distributor.

Technically, yes, I guess,

but, you know, she's a public schoolteacher.

What's so great about her life?

Why am I in trouble?

Are naked women bad?

How else does the stork know where to put the baby?

Excuse me?

Keep up, Dubs.

Storks fly around at night,

and if you're laying down and making a lot of noise,

they give you a baby.

Sweetie, let's go home

and have a mother-son conversation.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I think I need my bros for this one.

Your bros? Who are your bros?

My mighty oaks.

Will and Douglas.

Oh. Okay.

You need your mighty oaks.

More than you need your mom.

Luhh dat.

Graham, I would be honored.

Take my branch?

I don't do the branch thing.

Yo, Rory,

we're excited to see your outfit! You almost ready?

There's no almost. I'm ready when I'm ready!

- Okay. - Why is he freaking out?

It's just kids hanging at Yogurt Spot.

We go there every year after the Winter Recital.

Who cares?

Rory does. For him, it's the fashion event of the season.

He says what you wear to Yogurt Spot

defines you for the rest of the year.

It's his Oscars.

No, the Emmys are my Oscars,

Fashion Week is my Tonys,

and Yogurt Spot is my Met Gala.

Now, stop talking...

- and enjoy me. - Ooh!

Ooh! Yeah.

2000s pop meets War on Terror.

And custom patchwork by Miggy.

We collaborated on the 'fit.

Now, give me some.

Did we collaborate?

I mean, I told you where to bedazzle, and you did.

Why do I have to be small for you to be big?

Hey, Miggy, come here for a sec.

Does Amy look a little down to you?

It's just now that I'm dating their dad,

I want to get to know the twins as individuals, you know?

Ooh, not a good idea.

Getting to know the girls can only lead to trouble.

They tricked me

into letting them drive on the highway.

Hey.

Everything okay, Amy?

I guess I've been kind of bummed since Sears went under.

Okay.

I was thinking maybe something more recent and personal.

Well...

everyone's dressing up for Yogurt Spot,

and I'm wearing this.

Oh. Well, let's find you an outfit of your own.

Maybe something less...

1992 Disneyland tram driver.

But Emma and I agreed on chinos.

She wouldn't like if I tried something new.

Look, Emma's your sister. She's gonna support you.

Let me help you find an outfit that screams "Amy Fogerty."

I'm telling you, Poppy, you don't understand.

She's very controlling.

Amy, roll your sleeves down.

You look like a grocer.

I mean, it's not my fault I only get A's.

Our class is graded on a curve

and, well, you've seen my classmates.

Anyway, I can tell you're not listening to me.

Yeah, yeah, life is wild.

Uh, do you think I'm a bad mom?

Of course not.

I love shopping with you.

We never even go near the produce aisle.

Just junk food.

Hello? I got peanut butter pretzels.

That's nuts and grains, dumb-dumb.

Oh, wait, time for a little dip!

Ma'am, we've told you before,

you can't eat food out of the bins.

It's sampling.

It's shoplifting.

Angie, you know

you're banned from the bulk foods area.

Come on, Steve. I've been really low lately.

Can't you just cut me a break?

I have to do my job.

This game of cat and mouse is killing me.

Fine.

I'll escort myself out.

Enjoy being single the rest of your life, Steve.

What?

You could've had all this.

Listen, parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex.

I never got a talk.

Everything turned out great.

I was minding my own business one night,

using a slide rule to perform long division,

when my father, without explanation,

slid something under my door.

A dirty flip book.

A racy thrill from a simpler time.

A time when people would drop dead

if they left their window open on a cold night.

So a naked dancing lady went a long way.

It was the fondest memory of my old man.

And also how I developed juvenile arthritis in my thumb.

All right, this is what we got to do...

we got to give Graham the nudie magazines.

We say nothing.

We let him work it out on his own.

Your father was super creepy and irresponsible.

Luckily, my father gave me a sex talk

- that was absolutely gorgeous. - Gross.

It left me feeling empowered and fearless,

but respectful of the beauty of human sexual congress.

You're vile.

And why did I have such a great talk?

Because my father was a middle school health teacher.

That is the Rosetta stone of your entire personality.

Yep. Mrs. Hawthorne would teach all the girls,

and then my dad would teach the boys,

and we'd all come together

for state-mandated square-dancing lessons.

My father is my hero and a paragon of sexual health.

He did for sex talks what Mr. Rogers did for dog death.

Sounds like a glass of skim milk come to life.

Well, my parents have been married for 40 years.

I guess they're doing something right.

And where are we landing here?

We are going to perfectly recreate

the experience my father gave me for Graham. So...

...do you want to drive?

Drive?

To a secondary location?

- Like a murderer? - Yeah.

'Cause we're gonna murder this sex talk.

And like a murderer,

I have already picked out the perfect location...

a place pulsating with testosterone,

where men can be men,

where the power of the human body is on full display.

Hi, Douglas!

We wouldn't be friends if we didn't have kids!

That I know!

- Ha-ha! - Heck yeah.

Now, that's a workout.

Yeah. Got to get that blood pumping

before we sit down for our age-appropriate talk.

You know, my dad brought me to this very roller rink

before he sat me down to have the same talk.

Good man, I'm sure.

And now he's with the angels.

Uh, no, he's a 67-year-old retiree

living in a planned community in Reseda,

but I appreciate the sentiment.

Now, what do you say we load up on some nachos and dive in, huh?

An uncreased ten?

Now you've got my attention.

See? Look at how happy that boy is.

My father's plan is working.

You excite the body, you sate the hunger

before launching into a deep dive

on the wonders of human genitals.

Were you gonna skate?

My father's textbook.

I snagged it the day Mia got pregnant.

I always knew that one day, I would use this book

to teach my son...

or my friend's son... about sex.

I feel we're gonna be leaving here

- in the back of a cop car. - Oh, man.

This is bringing back a lot of memories.

Each chapter is a jewel.

Look, "When Showers Get Longer."

"Hair There Now."

"Mom, You Gotta Knock."

"Secretions."

What is this?

"Dear Bud."

My dad's name's Bud.

Like a golden retriever. It tracks.

"I can't wait for you to rip my"...

Oh. Oh.

Language gets a little graphic after that.

I think this a love letter written by my mother.

I mean, the handwriting's a little different.

She was probably on the back of a bumpy bus

when she wrote this.

It's so cute.

Uh, I-I don't know how to say this,

but I'm hoping this is a naked picture of your mother.

Mrs. Hawthorne?

The female health teacher?

Oh, my God. I was actually paying attention to you.

Th... That means my dad...

was a cheater.

Terrible thing.

Shameful.

I don't know.

I mean, maybe I'm being hard on myself.

I just feel like the worst mom ever.

Oh, marshmallows go on the top shelf.

Let me know if you need a ladder.

Don't beat yourself up.

How can I not?

And the facts don't lie.

My son got suspended,

we're living in a windowless hot room

because I burned our house down,

and look...

I bought cat food thinking it was tuna.

And, Sophie, I'm gonna feed this to Graham.

That's not great.

I think the biggest kick in the nuts

is that Graham didn't think that I could give him The Talk.

A talk? About what?

Oh.

About how magnets work.

Look... for what it's worth,

I think you're a great mom.

Oh, shut your perfect, dumb mouth.

Seriously, Angie.

You're an inspiration.

I am?

Yeah. Because of you,

I was inspired to sample all this stuff from the store.

And that's another gutter ball for ol' D'Amato.

All right, Emma, your sister's being very brave

and trying a new look,

so I want you to be very supportive.

I hear you.

No deal.

Individually, this is a mess,

but all together, it's horrible.

What do you think, Emma?

I...

...love it!

Yo, I was wrong.

You really bonded with Amy.

Maybe they are human.

Poppy, I want you to make me an outfit exactly like this.

Of course. Happy to make you one, too.

Wait. But this is my look.

It's our look now.

I just want to look different for one night in my life.

Take off the cape. It's changed you.

Get off of me!

I just wanted to be my own person!

This is your fault, Poppy!

I am freaking out.

Come on. Keep it together.

Where's all that "sex is beautiful" energy?

Sex clearly is not beautiful, okay?

It's depraved and disgusting,

and according to that letter,

it's mostly done in the mat room

of a middle school gymnasium.

A little further down, it implies

that they also did some stuff in the dead end of a corn maze.

God.

I can't do this talk.

Douglas, you got to tag in.

I'm not tagging in on a sex talk. What are you? Nuts?

Well, how can I talk about sex and trust when the man

who told me all about it is a philanderer, okay?

Oh, someone got nachos!

Sorry, Will, no change on that ten-spot.

Ooh, hey, cool textbook.

Yes, it's very cool.

It's actually my father's... the dirty liar.

You okay, Big Dubs?

All right, it's talk time.

Douglas, you want to kick things off?

- Pass. - Cool.

Graham, when a man loves a woman...

Oh, God. My poor mother.

My father is a sexual deviant.

He is sick!

Sex is sick!

Okay, so, imagine...

someone slips a dirty flip book under your door.

Dirty flip book?

Right.

Is Will right?

Sex is sick?

That means I'm sick, too?

That means I'm sick, too!

Graham... No, Graham!

Somebody tackle that boy!

We're not allowed to touch the children, sir.

Uh, it's okay. He lives in my sauna.

Along with his mom.

They're there voluntarily. I-I... Oh.

What is everybody looking...

I don't care. You eyeballing me?!

Okay. Emma, why don't you want to let Amy wear her own outfit?

Talk about my feelings?

You'll have to torture me.

What? I'm not gonna torture a child.

Just do it, coward.

Okay. Rory, go ahead.

Okay, okay!

I'll talk.

Dressing alike is our thing.

We're a team.

And, Amy, how do you feel about that?

I won't crack. Do your worst.

All right, Rory, do the thing.

You sick twist!

Fine! I'll spill!

I just want to be my own person for once.

Okay, first of all, this child torture thing

is very disturbing, though deeply on brand.

Now, dressing alike, girls,

doesn't make you the same person.

And dressing differently doesn't mean you're not a team.

But dressing like a Nazi is always bad.

Sweetie, I think we're doing a different thing here.

Okay.

The thing is, supporting each other

is what makes you a team, okay?

You're individuals and sisters.

But how will people know we're sisters

if we don't dress the same?

Well, you look alike, for starters.

I guess I don't see it.

All right, what if we decide that tonight,

you'll go to Yogurt Spot as a team,

but as a team of sisters

brave enough to wear your own outfits?

What do you say? You want to go shopping?

Yeah.

It only took me an afternoon

to turn a former pre-school valedictorian

into a petty thief.

I thought you said sampling wasn't stealing.

Of course sampling is stealing!

I was lying! I'm a liar!

Keep writing.

I can't believe you're making me do apology letters.

You committed a legitimate crime because of me!

You're taking this really seriously.

Yes! I am!

I can't let Will know that I corrupted his perfect daughter.

I'm not perfect!

Pent-up outburst.

I know those well.

Hit me.

I don't like being Little Miss Perfect all the time.

Sometimes, I want to be like you...

a Bad B with a heart of gold.

Heart of gold?

Shut up. Don't stop.

You're so much fun.

Yeah. I know I'm fun.

I'm fun as hell.

But that doesn't make me a good role model.

It kind of does.

Look, I love my dad,

but he never makes a mistake.

You're the only grown-up that makes me feel like

I don't have to be perfect to be a good person.

So... I'm like your oak?

My what?

I'm your tall, mighty oak.

I mean, you're not tall.

- You're more shrub-like, but... - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm your oak. Get over here.

You know, stealing isn't the only way

to follow in my footsteps.

I know a couple legal ways to be a little bad.

Aren't we returning that?

Meh. It's already stolen.

Come on. I got tons of fun colors.

You gotta be kidding me.

Will!

Stop!

We need to find Graham!

He's right over there!

Boys!

- Get in the car! - Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

It's impossible to skate to an improvised melody!

I can't! Fine!

You win!

Okay, watch your skates on the seats.

This is veal leather.

Drive me back to my sauna.

Will, Graham, we're gonna have The Talk.

When I was a kid, I found some dirty pictures, too.

And it was scary and overwhelming.

This is confusing.

No one cared enough to take the time to talk to me about it,

and I'm ashamed to say I failed you in the same way.

Everybody fails.

Heroes fail.

Fathers bone all the joy out of your heart,

so what's the point?

Not now, Will!

Now, sex... it can be... weird

and... and confusing,

and no textbook or flip book or magazine

is gonna make sense of it for you.

What about a film?

Oh, those can be instructive.

But you're years away from that.

But i-it's... it's totally fine to be curious about sex.

Very natural.

It's why you want to surround yourself

with people you can trust,

people like me and Will.

Will.

Yeah.

Look, Graham,

sex is always gonna bring up questions,

a-a-and that never stops, at any age.

So... I'm not a bad person?

Of course not, buddy.

I would tell you if you were.

Oh, like when you said I was going to Hell

for leaving a cold glass on your walnut coffee table.

Exactly.

Now, do you have any other questions

about the pictures you saw in that magazine?

The thing that confused me the most was...

does a horse go faster if you ride on it naked?

- Yes. - Yes.

It's me. Amy Fogerty.

And I'm Emma.

And even though we're not dressed alike,

we're still sisters.

Sorry. I'm blind after sunset.

Yeah. Thanks.

- Poppy! - Hi.

You both look so great.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Wait, did the girls just hug you?

Oh, yeah. You know, we bonded.

You're amazing.

I never knew their arms bent that way.

And I guess it's probably a lack of wind resistance,

so the horse can just zoom.

Cool.

Hey, sweetie. Are you feeling better?

Yeah, Mom. Will and Douglas were great,

but next time, I'd rather skate with you.

Aw. Thank you.

I actually really needed to hear that.

Love you. Rocco!

Wait, why are you wearing skates?

So, how did the talk go?

Um, pretty good.

Except for the fact that I found out

my father's been cheating on my mother

for many, many years.

Oh, man.

- Not dope, dude. - Mnh-mnh.

Not dope.

- No. - For sure.

Hey, how was your day with Sophie?

Where is she, by the way?

Oh, she's right there.

Oh. You dyed her hair. I'll kill you.

I'm so sorry.

I-I think she's just trying to mix it up.

Is there any chance that you could be on board with it?

You're sure the dye's non-toxic, though, right?

No, no, no. It's hair dye from the grocery store.

It's definitely toxic,

so just squeeze my arm and smile at your daughter.

Uh-huh. Hi, Sophie!

You look great!

I'm totally fine with it!

This has been a really bad day.