Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

There there there. That's perfect, honey.

Just when i'm getting used to these pillows

It's time to check out.

Yeah, well, there's two of them in the suitcase,

And d.J. Managed to sneak one out of here under his coat yesterday.

- ready for your lunch? - yes, please.

Man, I hate this hospital food. It's horrible.

You think I can get them to put me back on the I.V.?

Well, just hold your nose now.

Here goes.

Get ready for some... Steak.

Mmm, juicy and charbroiled. Just the way I like it.

Paid for by the insurance. Just the way I like it.

I feel so much better when you baby me.

I'm gonna be taking care of you the whole time, Dan.

- you have nothing to worry about. - thanks, honey.

Shrimp scampi, please.

Mmm, shrimpy.

I think we should go over these

Doctor's instructions here.

Recovering from a heart attack requires the patient's

Cooperation and self-discipline.

You're dead.

Hey, no exercise for two weeks.

Well, that shouldn't be hard.

You've gone a lot longer than two weeks.

Look at number two, though.

No s-e-x for four weeks.

That'll be hard.

Thank god I don't have to go by this list.

Oh, great. No sugar, no salt, no cholesterol.

You know, Dan, if more people ate like this, we'd still have

The mamas & the papas.

Mr. Conner? All your tests look great.

Did you hear that, Dan? You're gonna live.

I'm going to live.

Now all you've got to do is get something to live for.

You can pack up and leave as soon as you're ready.

That's great. Thanks, doc.

You take it easy.

I can't wait to get back home again.

Well, a lot of things have changed since you've been there.

The Rose gardens are in full bloom.

We moved the renoir to the east wing.

And three of your polo ponies have gone to foal.

Ah, spring.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )

Oh, man, it's so good to be home again.

Yeah, you spend that time in the hospital, then you look around

And you think: we don't have nearly enough religious art.

Everything looks so different.

Was the tv always there?

Yeah, you've probably just never seen it turned off before.

- what's all this? - tapes.

While you were in the hospital I taped all your favorite shows.

Man, I didn't realize I had that many favorite shows.

I got a whole other box upstairs.

Hey, dad, you're home. Did you bring me anything?

Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.

Hey, buddy, how' you doin'?

Did you do everything I told you while I was gone?

Like barking at the mailman when he comes around?

Don't pick him up, Dan. He's 10 lbs over your lifting limit.

Hey, careful with the t-shirt. When he grows out of it, it's mine.

Well...

I guess if we all are gonna go on this diet, I ought to go in there,

Throw out all the stuff that's bad for us.

Of course, it may be easier just to move.

I'm going in there with you.

- oh, now, Dan. - no, honey. I can't just lie here and watch you destroy

The things I love.

- okay, first, we're starting with the lard products. - oh.

Look at that.

Takes up the whole shelf.

Okay, and now... Anything with little debbie on it.

You know, it's kind of a waste to throw all this stuff out.

Maybe we should give some of this stuff to people.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Let's see.

This pork and beans-- well, you've got to know how to operate

A can opener and a stove, so that lets Mark out.

I'll give these to Darlene and David.

And i'll give the marshmallows to Mark and Becky.

God, I feel like it's a reading of our will.

- what the hell is this? - i've no idea.

I'll give it to mom.

Oh. We gotta get rid of these eggs, Dan.

Look at that. I do not want to come in here at midnight again

And catch you making a 30-yolk sandwich.

Oh, do we have to get rid of those?

My grandfather brought them over from the old country.

Eww, look at all the bugs

That died trying to get in there.

Hey hey, I forgot this was here.

I can't believe there's so much.

What, what?

It's that box where we used to throw

All those condiment packets.

Oh, man, yeah.

Back when we used to try to economize and save

Stuff, before we said to hell with it.

Look at this. There's ketchup,

Relish, soy sauce--

And all of them antique.

Oh, look at here. Mcdonald's mustard.

How old you think that is?

Mmm... The golden arches have an orange hue--

I'd say circa 1972.

Oh, and look: there's mayor mccheese

When he was still city councilman mccheese.

You know, i've heard that some people collect stamps.

Used ones? Oh.

You know, you're taking this pretty good, Dan.

I'll tell you what, honey, it hasn't really been that hard.

Good.

'cause i'm gonna go over there to the fridge.

Oh, yeah?

And i'm gonna... Open it.

Honey?

Now Dan, I want you to take a deep breath,

Clear your mind,

And go to your special place of tremendous courage,

Because... It's going.

Mmm.

Mmm.

- you may not wanna watch this. - eee.

- ( cracks can ) - ( Dan groans )

- ( cracks can ) - ( whimpers )

- ( cracks can ) - ( winces )

- ( cracks can ) - ( groans )

Oh, the humanity.

So, David, you still think camping

Is the best way to spend your honeymoon?

( door opens ) how often do you get back to the hotel

To visit Darlene?

- ( door shuts ) - oh. Oh.

Now for my victory lap.

Hey, you didn't miss him at all.

He just came in with d.J. From one of his walks.

It's Darlene and David. I'll put them on speaker.

Hey, guys, how' you doin'?

You're just in time to hear me eat my olympic victory feast.

Urinal cakes.

Here, talk to them like a human being.

Hey guys, how you doin'?

Yeah, how's the food up there?

Yeah, your mama and I went camping one time up in wisconsin,

Up in door county--

That's enough. It was collect.

Honey, i've been home for two weeks. I think I can handle

- talking to my children. - yeah?

Did d.J. Got you off the leash long enough to chase that frisbee?

( chuckles ) that was great.

God, it's been so long since i've taken a walk.

Didn't there used to be a vacant lot on the corner of vernon and grove?

Yeah, it is still there, just underneath that bank

They built there seven years ago.

When did everybody start putting

Security gates around their house?

Mmm, gee,

Round the time d.J. Started to walk.

Amazing.

Why don't you go in there, lay down on the couch,

And i'll bring you in your lunch?

Honey, I can make my own lunch.

Why don't you work on one of your tv commentaries?

You've been on that show since this whole thing started.

Well, I never thought i'd say this, Dan, but

You are more important

Than tv.

How sad that it took a heart attack to finally

Hear those words come out of your mouth.

Hey, d.J., good job in getting your dad

To go on those walks.

Ah, there's a little bit of green in it for you.

Jeez, this blows.

Why do I have to be in this diet, too?

Because you want to get an early start.

You don't wanna end up like your dad.

Yeah, well, I guess you're right.

Heart attacks are the number- one cause of teenage death.

Hey d.J., get in here.

- candy wrapper? - yeah.

What in the hell is it doing in your dad's pocket?

- is there any left? - hey, d.J.

Oh, I don't know how it got there.

This is unbelievable.

You're gonna yell at him, aren't you?

No. I don't know.

Well, eating this was way wrong. Don't you care?

Oh, of course I care d.J., but jeez,

The guy just had a heart attack,

It's not like I can go in there

And yell at him.

I wish I had a heart attack.

Damn. I have been doubly betrayed.

This is from my stash.

Here we are. Here we are.

We got two big boys all set ready to go to the park.

I got the drinks, I got the snacks,

And andy's gonna feed the pigeons.

Why don't you just let them toss coins at the winos

Like all the other kids do?

Ha ha, Roseanne.

Is... Something wrong with your car?

I just drove past the corner, I saw Dan sitting

At the bus bench, reading the paper.

Oh, man, that's unbelievable.

He's supposed to be out on his walk.

Well, he... He wasn't, you know, reading the paper.

He was turning the pages like a demon.

And the lifestyle section-- you know how heavy

That is on wednesdays.

Don't take this out on me, Roseanne.

I didn't mean to see Dan.

No, don't worry about it, Jackie.

You're not telling me anything that I didn't know.

- I know he's been cheating. - are you sure?

Yeah. I found a candy bar wrapper in his pants

When I was doing the laundry.

- oh, no. - yeah. And then Crystal calls me,

She says she saw him yesterday at the gas station,

Heating up a burrito.

Yeah, nobody can do anything in this town

Without you finding out.

( scoffs ) that's right.

I hear you bought some rash cream. What gives?

( chuckles )

Well, have you said something to him about it?

No, I didn't.

'cause I just was hoping it would stop

With the candy bar, you know?

What was I thinking? Dan is the kind of guy

That'll stand there eating a couple of frozen eggos

All while he's waiting for the others ones to pop up.

This is not, you know, just a little slip, Roseanne.

You've got to stop him.

I know I do, but...

The whole heart attack thing is so weird.

I just don't even know what to say to him.

I don't know how to yell at him or anything anymore.

Man, I gotta start

Stretching up before these walks.

Mile and a half is a lot longer that it was when I was a kid.

Mile and a half, huh?

Boy, you must be exhausted.

Yeah, Dan. And yeah, you don't even seem to be sweating.

Yeah, park time.

Boy, you know, you're not really sweating that much.

- ha. - that new speed stick's pretty good, ain't it?

- yeah, - you're just dry dry dry dry dry dry.

I tell you, it's good stuff.

Ought to write them a letter.

You know, Dan? It's really important

That you stick to the doctor's orders.

What are you saying, Roseanne? I know it's important.

- i'm just saying-- - no, look, you think this is easy? It's not.

Now i'm hot and tired from my walk,

And i'm gonna go take a shower if you don't mind.

Fine, i'll finish making your angel hair pasta

In a light tomato sauce.

You're not the only one around here that can tell lies.

- so, how was your shower? - it was a shower.

- ugh. - what?

This yellow spongy stuff--

I mean, do i eat it or...

Did I eat it?

It's squash, Dan.

You really ought to be used to eating all these

Healthy foods since you haven't been eating

Anything else for the last two weeks, right?

Yeah, well--

Well, you're not gonna do it, are you?

What?

I was trying to give you a chance to come clean here.

But, since you seem to be into lying to me, i'd just tell you

That I know about all the junk food that you've been sneaking.

What do you mean?

Well, I found that candy bar wrapper in you pants

When I was doing the laundry, and it's still at the lab,

But i'm pretty sure it's gonna come back

With your prints all over it.

I know about your fake walks.

I even know about your burrito.

- at least i'm not gonna get mad. - you're not?

No. Because I figure,

You know, you're just a human being

And you're entitled to a couple of mistakes.

I just would like to put it all behind us,

- and start over again, okay? - ( chuckles )

Oh, I gotta tell you, I didn't like sneaking around.

I know all about the temptation

Of the three musketeers, Dan--

The creamy nougat, the...

Smooth milk chocolate.

The dreams of becoming a swashbuckler.

Oh, well, look at this stuff, honey: peas, carrots, squash.

I mean, here I am a grown man, you got me eating like a rabbit.

Yeah, well, I know it's hard, but you just keep it up,

A little bit of time passes, and then you're stuck in a rut,

Which is right up your alley.

Well, doctor's orders or not, I can't do it. It's hell.

I mean, I can't live this way.

I mean, I want my food back, you know?

Real food-- dead animals.

Brightly colored snacks. Things on sticks.

Well, i'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners

That got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.

What about the crap breakfasts

And the crap lunches?

Well, Dan, if you don't like my cooking...

Why don't you just cook yourself?

- maybe I will. - oh yeah? Maybe you should.

That'll be fun to watch.

Fine. You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner.

I'm fixing dinner!

Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner 11 years ago.

God, you're hiding food, Dan?

Yeah, with the cleaning products.

It's the one place I knew you'll never look.

What was all that crap you were telling me in the hospital,

That big speech about how you never cheated on me?

What the hell do you call this?

Look, i'm sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

So, you're just gonna do it, aren't you?

You're just gonna go right ahead

And harden an artery right here in my kitchen.

I've got to live a little, Roseanne.

You won't let me eat anything,

You won't let me take any calls from work.

Yeah, and i'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up.

Just keep your nose out of my work.

It's none of your business, Roseanne.

I manage to get along just fine without any of your help.

Without any of my help?

( scoffs ) well, what the hell do you think

I was doing all those years

At wellman's and rodbells

And the beauty parlor, and the diner?

You think I was just earning enough money

To go out and buy new hats?

And if it wasn't for me, the bank would've came

And took this house a long time ago, Dan.

I always pull in more money than you brought in.

Oh, yeah? Oh, what about that year

When your bike shop went broke?

Yeah, Dan. You're gonna show me.

Spread it on. Nothing in moderation, right?

- oh, you got it, baby. - oh, yeah, not for

The indestructible Dan conner.

Drinker, biker,

Party boy right from the '60s.

"if it feels good, do it."

Or in your case, if it tastes good, eat it.

Watch it, Roseanne.

You know what you are, Dan?

You are a big fat guy

With absolutely no self-control.

You're jerry garcia without the music.

Whoa whoa whoa. Let's back up here.

You are calling me fat?

Yeah, i'm calling you fat.

Well, if that ain't the big fat pot

Calling the kettle black!

You better not be calling me fat!

Well, that's what i'm doing. Fat fat

- fat fat fat fat fat - fat fat fat fat fat

- fat fat fat fat fat! - fat fat fat fat fat!

Fine, if you don't want the food I make, Dan,

Then we'll just get rid of it.

Okay? And you know what?

We don't need any more of this health food,

Either. Dog's too.

I'm gonna watch tv.

Of course you are, Dan,

Because that's what you always do

When anything gets too damn real around here.

- I do not do that. - yes, you do.

You run to that tv and walk away from me

Every single time there is a problem in this family.

Why the hell shouldn't I walk away?

You never let me do squat around here.

Problem with the kids? Hey, you'll handle it,

Because i'll sure as hell just screw it up.

I watched these kids grow up around here

Without ever knowing what was going on,

Or even who they were, and just look at the way they turned out.

I think they turned out great.

Oh, please, Roseanne, look at them.

They're not exactly the kennedy kids.

No, they're not. But their dad sure drinks like uncle teddy.

They're failures, Roseanne,

And the only reason you won't admit it

Is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother.

The only way I failed as a mother

Is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young

That they threw their whole life away on a man,

- just like I did. - you didn't throw away a thing.

Yes, I did, Dan. I threw everything away.

But all that's gonna change. Because from now on,

I'm gonna put all my energy into that tv show.

That's fine. It's just great, you know.

I'll show my daughters that you don't have

To give up your dreams for some stupid guy.

That's fine. Well, you just move to Chicago for all I care.

Then, maybe your damn family

Won't be hanging around here all the time,

Give me some room for my family to come.

Hell, they can't even show up for thanksgiving anymore.

Oh, so that's it, huh? It's my fault

That you don't have any kind

Of relationship with your family?

God, you are pathetic!

Did I ever stop you

From picking up that phone and calling your mother?

Hey, at least I put my mother

In a psychiatric hospital

Where she can get some help

Instead of letting her run around in the streets

Like yours, scaring people!

Well, my mother may be like

Fingernails on a chalkboard, Dan,

But at least she's allowed to grow fingernails.

Oh, that's perfect. You got the answer for everything,

- don't you? - yeah, I do.

Yeah, well, why won't you tell me how to clean up this...

Crap that you call decoration?

Okay, I will.

I want you to pick them all up using your ass.

And start with the pointy things!

You are a controlling...

Bitch!

No, i'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do

Whatever it takes to get you to get up off of your ass

And stop staring at that...

- ( screen shatters ) - ...Damned tv.

Boy, I tell you, I wish I had never mar--

- what? Say it. - nothing.

Well, that makes two of us.

( exhales )

You can die if you want to, Dan.

But you're gonna have to do it alone

Because i'm not gonna sit here and watch you.

I'll be at jackie's.

( slams door )

( theme song playing )