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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,639 Wow, I can't believe that today 2 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,676 Our little Darlene is getting married to 3 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,811 Our little David. 4 00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:15,948 Yeah, I can't decide whether i'm losing a daughter 5 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:18,050 Or gaining a daughter-in-law. 6 00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:22,221 So, any word on nana mary? 7 00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:24,590 Nobody's seen her since the rehearsal dinner. 8 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,925 No, but remember last time she went awol 9 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:30,662 And we found her down at the mall diving in the fountain for change? 10 00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:33,599 Well, it's my last morning as a single woman. 11 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,534 Not necessarily. Right, Jackie? 12 00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,608 So, how are my friends doing? 13 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,977 Oh, they're still all passed-out drunk in there, 14 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:48,747 But I still poke 'em every so often. 15 00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:51,083 - that sounds like fun. - yeah. 16 00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:53,318 The still-breathing poke is okay, 17 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:57,056 But the wake-up poke is gonna be great. 18 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,891 I'm gonna go to becky's trailer 19 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,093 To check on David. Can I bring you back a possum? 20 00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:03,929 No no no. You are not going anywhere. 21 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:07,800 It's very bad luck to see your fiancee before the wedding. 22 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,002 Did you see Fred before your wedding, Jackie? 23 00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:16,275 You're not allowed to see your fiance before the wedding, 24 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,477 You've got to wear something old, and you've got to wear-- 25 00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:21,714 - mom, that's ridiculous. - did you do any of that, Jackie? 26 00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,854 I got the tuxes. 27 00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,889 Shh! 28 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,891 Don't wake up any of these people 29 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,260 Until every flea in this room has found a host. 30 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,765 Ow! Ow! 31 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,568 Hey, it's nana mary. 32 00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:45,537 Oh, hi, Rosie. 33 00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:47,539 Hey, 34 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,775 Who the hell's wearing my pants? 35 00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:56,915 ( theme song playing ) 36 00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,456 ( Roseanne laughs ) 37 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,774 - oops. - yep. 38 00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:58,210 We got the wrong color tuxes. 39 00:03:01,781 --> 00:03:04,383 Hey, you guys look great. 40 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,852 I'd take your picture, but i'm saving all my film for the cake. 41 00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:12,157 Damn, Rosie, this wedding's giving me a nasty case of heartburn. 42 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:15,327 See? All those years of eating light bulbs 43 00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:18,230 To entertain the kids is finally catching up to you. 44 00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,966 Hey, I want you to know that later on today 45 00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:24,570 I'm gonna pull Darlene aside and i'm gonna give her the mother-daughter talk. 46 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,606 - good for you. - yeah, but just this once, 47 00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:31,043 I'm not also giving her the father-daughter talk. 48 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:34,446 I'm doing my part. I'm walking her down the aisle. 49 00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:37,216 Come on, Dan. You've been avoiding her for six weeks. 50 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,818 You've got to stop acting like she's pregnant and has to get married 51 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,920 And start acting like you're six hours away 52 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,623 From all-you-can eat shrimp. 53 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:47,059 - but, Rosie... - no buts about it. 54 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,161 You are gonna get into the spirit of things, 55 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:52,331 And you're gonna start by going in there and helping those boys get dressed. 56 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:56,301 And remember, those jackets do not tuck into those pants. 57 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,710 � another bride, another groom � 58 00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:08,981 � another sunny honeymoon. � 59 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:12,618 I'm bleeding from the ears. Am I bleeding from the ears? 60 00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:15,421 Criminy sakes. What are you doing? 61 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,190 We're halfway there, nana mary. Calves are always a bit tricky. 62 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:21,960 Now you've snagged a varicose vein. 63 00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:24,129 Okay, everybody, smile. 64 00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,265 And try to keep those red dots out of your eyes. 65 00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:31,637 - where's Darlene? - she's still in the bathroom trying on grandma's gown. 66 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:35,374 Come on out, Darlene. I can't wait to see you in my dress. 67 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,110 What do you mean, your dress? That's my dress. 68 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,312 The first time I wore that dress 69 00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:42,614 Roosevelt closed the banks. 70 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:46,318 That's right. The first time I wore it, 71 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,921 I had to take it in 10 inches. 72 00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,255 Around the boobs. 73 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:56,195 Zip it! Darlene, come on out here. 74 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,831 Darlene: i'm not coming out. I look ridiculous. 75 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:01,200 I'm sure you look fine, Darlene. 76 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,669 It's just the lighting in that room is bad, 77 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:06,171 Along with the plumbing and the tile. 78 00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:09,308 - oh! Oh! - oh, Darlene! 79 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,379 I got six sticks of dynamite strapped under here. 80 00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:16,281 The first chuckle takes us all out. 81 00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:18,984 Darlene, you look lovely. And don't worry. 82 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,887 The little baby in there doesn't show at all. 83 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,490 You know, all us dames, we... 84 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,625 We all got knocked up before we got married. 85 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:28,627 With this family, it's like tradition. 86 00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:31,797 You look gorgeous, Darlene. 87 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,666 Grandma's gown looks beautiful on you. 88 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:37,069 I'm sorry to say this, Darlene, but you do look beautiful. 89 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,405 Aren't you happy now that you passed on wearing 90 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:41,507 The flannel shirt and bolo tie? 91 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,209 Darlene, I was just wondering if you'd reconsidered 92 00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,245 About little andy being the ring bearer. 93 00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,913 I know you think he's too young, 94 00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,581 But he's been practicing, haven't you, sweetheart? 95 00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,051 Now look, hold the pillow steady, right, honey? 96 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,053 And then we take the froot loops 97 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,089 And we put these on there, and then we say... 98 00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:00,025 ( humming "the wedding March" ) 99 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:05,597 - he's eating the rings. - honey, I want you to-- 100 00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:08,701 He really wants to do it. You tell everybody 101 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,170 How you feel about being the ring boy, okay? 102 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:14,239 You tell everybody what mommy taught you to say. 103 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,743 Grandma's crazy. 104 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:21,714 Did-- did he say grandma's crazy? 105 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,751 He just needs a nap. He'll be fine. 106 00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,857 Hey, who put the now-unlucky veil 107 00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:33,058 On the bed? 108 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,627 I mean, I can counteract the effects, 109 00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:38,697 But I don't know if i've got enough time to go get the pigeon blood. 110 00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:47,206 All right, last call for the tux shop. 111 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,308 We need black socks. 112 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,877 For Mark, size 11. 113 00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:54,780 For d.J., one cufflink. 114 00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,249 Rule of thumb for tuxes-- always get a spare one 115 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,251 So you can cut it up for parts. 116 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,687 - Mr. Conner? - don't know how. 117 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,327 So why haven't you tied your tie? 118 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,729 Mr. Conner doesn't know how. 119 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:13,999 Give it here. 120 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,578 Listen, Mark, I know you're probably sick of hearing about this, 121 00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:30,449 But it just feels weird that mom and dad aren't here. 122 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,152 - you still on that? - well, they're our parents. 123 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,220 I thought maybe for my wedding day, they might-- 124 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,423 Would you just shut up about them already? 125 00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:39,892 Man, they never did anything for us. 126 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,528 They kicked me out of the house when I was 16, 127 00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,830 And they treated you like a dog. 128 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:49,301 Look, the conners are your parents now, okay? 129 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,504 You and me both. They saved our asses. 130 00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:55,341 Yeah, well, mom and dad gave us life, okay? 131 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:58,444 One of us maybe a little more than the other, but still... 132 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,879 Hey hey hey, it's a slap in the face to the conners 133 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,881 For you to be all hung up on a couple of jerks 134 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:05,351 - who haven't even bothered to call in the past four years. - Mark... 135 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,720 - I don't want to hear it! - choking. 136 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,463 Where'd you learn to tie a tie like that? 137 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,398 Dad. 138 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,702 It was the only thing he ever taught me. 139 00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:26,638 Now i've taught you. 140 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,408 Since it's the only thing he could've done for you today, 141 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,777 You don't need him anymore. 142 00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:37,149 Okay. 143 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,988 Thanks, Mark. 144 00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:49,228 So, how many times have you been married, nana mary? 145 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:52,297 I'm not sure. 146 00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,901 Counting the cruises i've been on... 147 00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:59,004 What's the matter? You got butterflies in your stomach? 148 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,306 No, a child. 149 00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:04,576 Nauseous, huh? I hear that, Darlene. 150 00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,712 Don't you remember? Your old aunt here was in 151 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,081 A similar situation before she got married. 152 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,250 Yeah, sort of, except for that 153 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,486 You were nursing your child at the altar. 154 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:17,556 Oh yes, I remember that wedding. 155 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,893 Thank goodness someone was offered something to drink. 156 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,263 Okay, enough yakking. Come on, everybody gather round. 157 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:28,734 I want one last picture of all the women together before Darlene gets married. 158 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,737 Nana, bring your ass over there. 159 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,972 Oh my god. Jackie, come here. 160 00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:36,141 - what? - look in here. 161 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:39,845 Look in there. Darlene's getting married. 162 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:02,468 Well, it's just like I pictured it when I objected to it earlier. 163 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:06,271 Why do they want to have an outdoor hippie wedding? 164 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,273 Why? Why? 165 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:12,378 Oh, because the moon is in the seventh house? 166 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:16,482 - well... - hey! 167 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,484 Glad you could make it, guys. 168 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:22,388 Oh, I wouldn't miss an event where Roseanne might cry. 169 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,923 Well, this is just beautiful. 170 00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:27,426 Why didn't we have our wedding outside? 171 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,361 Snipers. 172 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:35,300 Hey, dad, I think I just saw a skunk. 173 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,105 - go. - hey, d.J., wait up! 174 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,043 Wow. This is so cool. 175 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,346 I've never been to an outdoor wedding where everyone was wearing clothes. 176 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,882 Yeah, the '90s sure are nuts. 177 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,853 Aw, look-- nana mary. 178 00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:56,855 - hello, Dan. - this is Nancy. 179 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:59,258 Nancy, this is roseanne's grandmother. 180 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,895 Oh, i'm sure you two must have scads to talk about. 181 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,897 Why don't you start with... 182 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,366 Aliens? 183 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,435 It's so weird that he said that, 184 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:13,038 Because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time. 185 00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,040 - really? - for a month afterwards, 186 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,776 I could play world-champion- caliber chess. 187 00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:20,412 And then it just went away. 188 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:25,117 Well, scott, i'm sure you remember our alien encounter. 189 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,353 Oh, dear heavens, of course. 190 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,189 Their names were zortron and dennis. 191 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,324 - dennis, yes. - yeah. 192 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,693 You know, I hated the way those two were always bickering. 193 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,695 Oh, yes. "let's skip by alpha centauri." 194 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,697 "we don't have that sort of time." "well, we would, 195 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,767 If someone hadn't had to see all the moons of jupiter." 196 00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:45,771 - still, it was fun going antiquing with them. - yes. 197 00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,773 You know, if i'd known... 198 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,209 If i'd known we were gonna sit on these hard wooden benches, 199 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,711 I would not have worn this thong. 200 00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:59,585 Let's see. Just enough flowers 201 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,587 To look beautiful 202 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,723 But not enough to attract the bees. 203 00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:07,793 Yeah. 204 00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:09,895 Uh, you know, I wanted to ask you, 205 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,264 Do you think dad's gonna walk me down the aisle 206 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,967 Or do you think he's just gonna give me a big push? 207 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:18,137 Oh, now you know he loves you, Darlene. 208 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,439 Yeah. 209 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,940 Okay, well, just try to remember that 210 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,810 When he gives you the big push. 211 00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:28,313 Thank god i'm marrying someone relatively sane like David. 212 00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:31,550 No no no, Darlene. All husbands are kind of insane. 213 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,887 You know, after you marry David and everything, 214 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,156 There's gonna be times where you'll be sitting there going, 215 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,625 "what the hell did I marry this guy for?" 216 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,760 And then, like, it'll snow 217 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,896 And he'll put chains on your tires, 218 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,998 And then you'll remember. 219 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:50,336 No, david's not allowed anywhere near my car. 220 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:54,373 Already talking like a married woman. 221 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,643 Oh, god, and soon i'll be talking like a mom, 222 00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,212 Just sitting around with the girls eating salads, 223 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:03,382 Chatting about sore nipples and waiting for the prozac to kick in. 224 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:08,253 You remind me of me so much when I was your age, 225 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:10,389 Ready to go out and grab the world by the throat 226 00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,324 And throttle it into control. 227 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,394 It's really good that you've got all the energy you've got, girlie, 228 00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,029 Because you're gonna need it. 229 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,732 Do you think I can handle it all? 230 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,567 I think you're gonna be great. 231 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:26,772 And you know if you have anything going on 232 00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:29,074 That you need help with-- even that baby-- 233 00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:31,477 You can bring that to us anytime. 234 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,313 Well, I can bring it to you, anyway. 235 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,383 Your dad's gonna come around. It's just... 236 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:40,853 After our wedding he hardly saw his parents again. 237 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:44,690 So I think maybe this wedding, it's bringing all that stuff back up for him. 238 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,759 Well, fine. Then if he ever talks to me again 239 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,861 I'll just let him know i'm gonna be around. 240 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,929 I mean, i'm gonna need someplace to hang out 241 00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:54,667 While david's watching the baby and cleaning the house. 242 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,136 You go, girl. 243 00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,039 I heard that on "ricki lake." 244 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,474 Yeah, I saw it, so don't even go there. 245 00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:07,279 I just want to thank you because you've been really great 246 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,815 During this whole wedding thing. So thanks. 247 00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,318 I know how you could've been. 248 00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,921 Oh, I could've made you guys miserable. 249 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,326 Remember how you were the first time David spent the night? 250 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:24,797 Oh, yeah. It was awesome. I was a total bitch. 251 00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,000 That'll happen again, you know? 252 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,002 I know. 253 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,104 So, you ready? 254 00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:36,642 Well, in the words of gary gilmore, let's do it. 255 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:49,054 - well, darlene's ready. - ( andy whines ) 256 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,657 I knew it! The little midget's freaking out on us! 257 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,259 No, he's not. He is not freaking out. 258 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,162 He ju-- he loves his mommy. 259 00:14:57,163 --> 00:15:01,066 Bull! D.J., you are gonna have to be the ring boy. 260 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:04,303 No way! I'm gonna look totally stupid! I'll be humiliated! 261 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,706 - Mark, it's up to you. - i'm your man. 262 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,943 No! No! Now we promised little andy that he would be the ring boy. 263 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:13,245 So i'm sorry. Pardon us, please. 264 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,749 Ring boy coming through. Ring boy coming through. 265 00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:21,353 All right, well, I guess we're next. 266 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,523 Uh, you know, your daughter would like to hear something from you. 267 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,793 Can't you just go tell her you're happy for her or something? 268 00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,097 Why are they not standing up? 269 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,833 The guy at rehearsal said they only stand up for the bride. 270 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,569 I really don't care what the guy at rehearsal said. The hell with tradition. 271 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:41,507 Everybody up! I want you standing up! 272 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:43,442 Good. 273 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,015 Wow. 274 00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:52,685 Scary, huh? 275 00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:54,687 You look different. 276 00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:56,722 Oh, mission accomplished. 277 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,863 Oh, no. 278 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:07,066 Oh, god. ( retching ) 279 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,472 - she got sick. - what'd you say to her? 280 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,309 What's the matter? She's pregnant, she had to barf. 281 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,845 Ain't none of you ever been to a wedding before? 282 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,316 - i'll go get her. - no. I had one job-- 283 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,552 That was to walk my daughter down the aisle. 284 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,487 I'll do it. 285 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,494 Well, picked a good spot. 286 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,997 Thanks. You should always find a downslope according to "modern bride." 287 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,401 You okay? 288 00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,436 Yeah. 289 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:48,040 - well, I guess we'd better get back. - wait up. 290 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,576 Darlene, there's something i've been wanting to talk to you about. 291 00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,878 It's a good thing I had to puke or you'd have missed your chance. 292 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,249 See, uh, I was thinking... 293 00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:02,254 Man, how do I do this? 294 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,090 - are you all right? - yeah, i'm okay. It's just... 295 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:07,092 Um... 296 00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:09,862 Well, here. 297 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,797 What's this? 298 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:15,167 That's a key to a savings deposit box. Nobody knows about it. 299 00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:17,369 There's a bunch of savings bonds in there 300 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,205 And a coin collection that my grandfather gave to me. 301 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,241 That's your just-in-case money, Darlene. 302 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:25,310 - dad, you're gonna need this more than we are. - no, honey. 303 00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:27,479 Now you've got a baby coming, and I just think-- 304 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,816 - you have a baby at home now. - you're just gonna take it, 'cause I just think 305 00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:33,385 If you had more money laying around 306 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,888 You'd have more chances to change... 307 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,459 I don't know, 308 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,828 Whatever it is you want to change. 309 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:48,033 I just don't want you to miss any opportunities, Darlene. 310 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,903 I'm not going to miss any opportunities. 311 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,971 David and I are still young enough 312 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,974 - so that we have plenty of time to do whatever it is-- - no no no no no no. 313 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:59,078 You see, that's where you're wrong, Darlene. 314 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:02,514 Everybody thinks there's plenty of time to do whatever they want. 315 00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,751 Believe me, there's not. 316 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:11,223 - stuff happens. ( chuckles ) - what stuff? 317 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,625 Oh, I don't know. 318 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,162 Any kind of stuff. All kinds of stuff. 319 00:18:17,163 --> 00:18:21,633 See, you plan things and the clock keeps ticking, 320 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,303 And you never do 'em, 321 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:28,407 And suddenly d.J.'s in high school 322 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,576 And you're having a baby. 323 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,881 I haven't talked to my dad in two years. 324 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,919 ( sobs ) 325 00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:49,228 Well, you look beautiful. 326 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,196 What's the occasion? 327 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,502 Dad, i'm not going anywhere, okay? 328 00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,437 I'm gonna be around. 329 00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:03,842 You know, the first time I held you, you were wearing white 330 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,778 And you threw up. 331 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,216 I've been behaving like a total jerk 332 00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,619 When I should have been supporting you. 333 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,721 Are you okay? 334 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,990 Can I do anything for you? 335 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,025 You could walk me down the aisle. 336 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,863 You ready to give me away? 337 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,999 No, i'm not. 338 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,710 At this time 339 00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:41,380 Darlene and David have elected to share with each other 340 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,615 Vows that they've written themselves. 341 00:19:45,819 --> 00:19:47,886 I, David, 342 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:51,323 Promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, 343 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:54,460 My fellow traveler on this planet, 344 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,928 As we tread lightly 345 00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:58,931 And replenish what we have taken from this earth. 346 00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:02,634 I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. 347 00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,772 Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just said? It was funny. 348 00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,507 Yeah, deer rifle. 349 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:14,346 And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, 350 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:17,082 As we strive not for material possessions 351 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,418 But for contentment and peace of mind. 352 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:23,188 I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. 353 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,961 How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that? 354 00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:31,363 Deer rifle. 355 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:35,300 And we know the best way that we can make it 356 00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:38,303 Is to rely on each other 357 00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:41,106 The way our parents, Dan and Roseanne conner, have. 358 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:44,443 No matter how good or bad life has been to them, 359 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,745 They always found the humor in it. 360 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,914 We hope we can do the same. 361 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:52,117 I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that? 362 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,254 Yeah, I heard that. 363 00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,256 Congratulations. 364 00:20:57,257 --> 00:21:00,292 You are now married. 365 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:03,729 I can't believe you bought that whole pregnancy thing. 366 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,400 ( guests clapping ) 367 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:24,216 ( sighs ) 368 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,355 You ought to see nana mary. 369 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:32,691 She thinks the ice sculpture is a mechanical bull. 370 00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:35,094 No, thanks. I don't feel so good. 371 00:21:35,095 --> 00:21:37,930 Well, duh. You were pounding down the imitation crab 372 00:21:37,931 --> 00:21:41,033 Like it was the real thing. 373 00:21:41,034 --> 00:21:43,235 - good wedding, honey. - yeah. 374 00:21:43,236 --> 00:21:45,671 You know what I think? 375 00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,507 I think we ought to get divorced 376 00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:50,709 Just so we can get remarried again, you know? 377 00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:52,711 And then we could write our own vows, 378 00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:55,147 And we'll say that we want to be just like us. 379 00:21:57,150 --> 00:22:00,386 Uh, I really don't feel so good. 380 00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:02,388 I'm not kidding. 381 00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:05,324 Maybe you should go find a phone, call dr. Walker. 382 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,126 Dan... 383 00:22:07,127 --> 00:22:09,061 Call somebody. 384 00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:20,506 ( siren wailing ) 385 00:22:26,413 --> 00:22:28,414 ( car doors slam ) 386 00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:30,649 ( radio chatter ) 387 00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:36,155 ( gurney clattering ) 42720

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