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1
00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,639
Wow, I can't believethat today
2
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,676
Our little Darlene
is getting married to
3
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,811
Our little David.
4
00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:15,948
Yeah, I can't decide
whether i'm losing
a daughter
5
00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:18,050
Or gaining
a daughter-in-law.
6
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:22,221
So, any word
on nana mary?
7
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:24,590
Nobody's seen her since
the rehearsal dinner.
8
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,925
No, but remember
last time she went awol
9
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:30,662
And we found her
down at the mall diving
in the fountain for change?
10
00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:33,599
Well, it's my last morning
as a single woman.
11
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,534
Not necessarily.
Right, Jackie?
12
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,608
So, how are
my friends doing?
13
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,977
Oh, they're still all
passed-out drunk in there,
14
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:48,747
But I still poke 'em
every so often.
15
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:51,083
- that sounds like fun.
- yeah.
16
00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:53,318
The still-breathing
poke is okay,
17
00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:57,056
But the wake-up poke
is gonna be great.
18
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,891
I'm gonna go
to becky's trailer
19
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,093
To check on David.
Can I bring you
back a possum?
20
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:03,929
No no no.
You are not
going anywhere.
21
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:07,800
It's very bad luck
to see your fiancee
before the wedding.
22
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,002
Did you see Fred
before your wedding,
Jackie?
23
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:16,275
You're not allowed
to see your fiance
before the wedding,
24
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,477
You've got to wear
something old,
and you've got to wear--
25
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:21,714
- mom, that's ridiculous.
- did you do any
of that, Jackie?
26
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,854
I got the tuxes.
27
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,889
Shh!
28
00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,891
Don't wake up any
of these people
29
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,260
Until every flea
in this room has
found a host.
30
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,765
Ow! Ow!
31
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,568
Hey, it's nana mary.
32
00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:45,537
Oh, hi, Rosie.
33
00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:47,539
Hey,
34
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,775
Who the hell's
wearing my pants?
35
00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:56,915
( theme song playing )
36
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,456
( Roseanne laughs )
37
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,774
- oops.
- yep.
38
00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:58,210
We got the wrong
color tuxes.
39
00:03:01,781 --> 00:03:04,383
Hey, you guys
look great.
40
00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,852
I'd take your picture,
but i'm saving all
my film for the cake.
41
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:12,157
Damn, Rosie,
this wedding's giving me
a nasty case of heartburn.
42
00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:15,327
See? All those years
of eating light bulbs
43
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:18,230
To entertain the kids
is finally catching
up to you.
44
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,966
Hey, I want you to know
that later on today
45
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:24,570
I'm gonna pull Darlene aside
and i'm gonna give her
the mother-daughter talk.
46
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,606
- good for you.
- yeah, but just this once,
47
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:31,043
I'm not also giving her
the father-daughter talk.
48
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:34,446
I'm doing my part.
I'm walking her
down the aisle.
49
00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:37,216
Come on, Dan.
You've been avoiding her
for six weeks.
50
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,818
You've got to stop acting
like she's pregnant
and has to get married
51
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,920
And start acting like
you're six hours away
52
00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,623
From all-you-can eat shrimp.
53
00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:47,059
- but, Rosie...
- no buts about it.
54
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,161
You are gonna get
into the spirit of things,
55
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:52,331
And you're gonna start by
going in there and helping
those boys get dressed.
56
00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:56,301
And remember,
those jackets do not
tuck into those pants.
57
00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,710
� another bride,
another groom �
58
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:08,981
� another sunny
honeymoon. �
59
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:12,618
I'm bleeding from the ears.
Am I bleeding from the ears?
60
00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:15,421
Criminy sakes.
What are you doing?
61
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,190
We're halfway there, nana mary.
Calves are always a bit tricky.
62
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:21,960
Now you've snagged
a varicose vein.
63
00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:24,129
Okay, everybody, smile.
64
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,265
And try to keep those red dots
out of your eyes.
65
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:31,637
- where's Darlene?
- she's still in the bathroom
trying on grandma's gown.
66
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:35,374
Come on out, Darlene.
I can't wait to see you
in my dress.
67
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,110
What do you
mean, your dress?
That's my dress.
68
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,312
The first time
I wore that dress
69
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:42,614
Roosevelt closed
the banks.
70
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:46,318
That's right.
The first time
I wore it,
71
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,921
I had to take it in
10 inches.
72
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,255
Around the boobs.
73
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:56,195
Zip it! Darlene,
come on out here.
74
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,831
Darlene:
i'm not coming out.I look ridiculous.
75
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:01,200
I'm sure you look
fine, Darlene.
76
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,669
It's just the lighting
in that room is bad,
77
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:06,171
Along with the plumbing
and the tile.
78
00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:09,308
- oh! Oh!
- oh, Darlene!
79
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,379
I got six sticks of dynamite
strapped under here.
80
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:16,281
The first chuckle
takes us all out.
81
00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:18,984
Darlene, you look lovely.
And don't worry.
82
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,887
The little baby in there
doesn't show at all.
83
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,490
You know,
all us dames, we...
84
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,625
We all got knocked up
before we got married.
85
00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:28,627
With this family,
it's like tradition.
86
00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:31,797
You look gorgeous,
Darlene.
87
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,666
Grandma's gown looks
beautiful on you.
88
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:37,069
I'm sorry to say this, Darlene,
but you do look beautiful.
89
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,405
Aren't you happy now
that you passed on wearing
90
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:41,507
The flannel shirt
and bolo tie?
91
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,209
Darlene, I was
just wondering
if you'd reconsidered
92
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,245
About little andy
being the ring bearer.
93
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,913
I know you think
he's too young,
94
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,581
But he's been practicing,
haven't you, sweetheart?
95
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,051
Now look,
hold the pillow steady,
right, honey?
96
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,053
And then we take
the froot loops
97
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,089
And we put
these on there,
and then we say...
98
00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:00,025
( humming
"the wedding March" )
99
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:05,597
- he's eating the rings.
- honey, I want you to--
100
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:08,701
He really wants to do it.
You tell everybody
101
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,170
How you feel about
being the ring boy,
okay?
102
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:14,239
You tell everybody what
mommy taught you to say.
103
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,743
Grandma's crazy.
104
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:21,714
Did-- did he say
grandma's crazy?
105
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,751
He just needs a nap.
He'll be fine.
106
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,857
Hey, who put
the now-unlucky veil
107
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:33,058
On the bed?
108
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,627
I mean, I can
counteract the effects,
109
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:38,697
But I don't know if i've got
enough time to go get
the pigeon blood.
110
00:06:44,437 --> 00:06:47,206
All right,
last call for
the tux shop.
111
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,308
We need black socks.
112
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,877
For Mark,
size 11.
113
00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:54,780
For d.J.,
one cufflink.
114
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,249
Rule of thumb for tuxes--
always get a spare one
115
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,251
So you can cut it up
for parts.
116
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,687
- Mr. Conner?
- don't know how.
117
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,327
So why haven't you
tied your tie?
118
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,729
Mr. Conner
doesn't know how.
119
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:13,999
Give it here.
120
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,578
Listen, Mark, I know
you're probably sick
of hearing about this,
121
00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:30,449
But it just feels weird
that mom and dad
aren't here.
122
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,152
- you still on that?
- well, they're our parents.
123
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,220
I thought maybe
for my wedding day,
they might--
124
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,423
Would you just shut up
about them already?
125
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:39,892
Man, they never did
anything for us.
126
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,528
They kicked me
out of the house
when I was 16,
127
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,830
And they treated you
like a dog.
128
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:49,301
Look, the conners are
your parents now, okay?
129
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,504
You and me both.
They saved our asses.
130
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:55,341
Yeah, well, mom and dad
gave us life, okay?
131
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:58,444
One of us maybe
a little more than
the other, but still...
132
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,879
Hey hey hey,
it's a slap in the face
to the conners
133
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,881
For you to be
all hung up on
a couple of jerks
134
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:05,351
- who haven't even bothered to
call in the past four years.
- Mark...
135
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,720
- I don't want to hear it!
- choking.
136
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,463
Where'd you learn to
tie a tie like that?
137
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,398
Dad.
138
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,702
It was the only thing
he ever taught me.
139
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:26,638
Now i've taught you.
140
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,408
Since it's the only thing
he could've done
for you today,
141
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,777
You don't need him
anymore.
142
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:37,149
Okay.
143
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,988
Thanks, Mark.
144
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:49,228
So, how many times
have you been married,
nana mary?
145
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:52,297
I'm not sure.
146
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,901
Counting the cruises
i've been on...
147
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:59,004
What's the matter?
You got butterflies
in your stomach?
148
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,306
No, a child.
149
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:04,576
Nauseous, huh?
I hear that, Darlene.
150
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,712
Don't you remember?
Your old aunt here was in
151
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,081
A similar situation
before she got married.
152
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,250
Yeah, sort of,
except for that
153
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,486
You were nursing
your child at the altar.
154
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:17,556
Oh yes, I remember
that wedding.
155
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,893
Thank goodness someone
was offered something
to drink.
156
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,263
Okay, enough yakking.
Come on, everybody
gather round.
157
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:28,734
I want one last picture
of all the women together
before Darlene gets married.
158
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,737
Nana, bring your assover there.
159
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,972
Oh my god.
Jackie, come here.
160
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:36,141
- what?
- look in here.
161
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:39,845
Look in there.
Darlene's getting married.
162
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:02,468
Well, it's just like
I pictured it when
I objected to it earlier.
163
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:06,271
Why do they want to have
an outdoor hippie wedding?
164
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,273
Why? Why?
165
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:12,378
Oh, because the moon
is in the seventh house?
166
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:16,482
- well...
- hey!
167
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,484
Glad you could
make it, guys.
168
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:22,388
Oh, I wouldn't
miss an event where
Roseanne might cry.
169
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,923
Well, this is
just beautiful.
170
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:27,426
Why didn't we have
our wedding outside?
171
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,361
Snipers.
172
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:35,300
Hey, dad, I think
I just saw a skunk.
173
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,105
- go.
- hey, d.J., wait up!
174
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,043
Wow. This is
so cool.
175
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,346
I've never been to an outdoor
wedding where everyone
was wearing clothes.
176
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,882
Yeah, the '90s
sure are nuts.
177
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,853
Aw, look--
nana mary.
178
00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:56,855
- hello, Dan.
- this is Nancy.
179
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:59,258
Nancy, this is
roseanne's grandmother.
180
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,895
Oh, i'm sure you two
must have scads to
talk about.
181
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,897
Why don't you
start with...
182
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,366
Aliens?
183
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,435
It's so weird
that he said that,
184
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:13,038
Because I was abducted
by aliens in woods just
like these one time.
185
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,040
- really?
- for a month afterwards,
186
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,776
I could play
world-champion-
caliber chess.
187
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:20,412
And then it just
went away.
188
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:25,117
Well, scott,
i'm sure you remember
our alien encounter.
189
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,353
Oh, dear heavens,
of course.
190
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,189
Their names were
zortron and dennis.
191
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,324
- dennis, yes.
- yeah.
192
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,693
You know, I hated
the way those two
were always bickering.
193
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,695
Oh, yes.
"let's skip by
alpha centauri."
194
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,697
"we don't have
that sort of time."
"well, we would,
195
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,767
If someone hadn't
had to see all
the moons of jupiter."
196
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:45,771
- still, it was fun going
antiquing with them.
- yes.
197
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,773
You know,
if i'd known...
198
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,209
If i'd known we were
gonna sit on these hard
wooden benches,
199
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,711
I would not have
worn this thong.
200
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:59,585
Let's see.
Just enough flowers
201
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,587
To look beautiful
202
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,723
But not enough
to attract the bees.
203
00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:07,793
Yeah.
204
00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:09,895
Uh, you know,
I wanted to ask you,
205
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,264
Do you think dad's gonna
walk me down the aisle
206
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,967
Or do you think
he's just gonna
give me a big push?
207
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:18,137
Oh, now you know
he loves you, Darlene.
208
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,439
Yeah.
209
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,940
Okay, well, just try
to remember that
210
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,810
When he gives you
the big push.
211
00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:28,313
Thank god i'm marrying
someone relatively sane
like David.
212
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:31,550
No no no, Darlene.
All husbands are
kind of insane.
213
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,887
You know, after you marry
David and everything,
214
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,156
There's gonna be
times where you'll
be sitting there going,
215
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,625
"what the hell did
I marry this guy for?"
216
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,760
And then, like,
it'll snow
217
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,896
And he'll put
chains on your tires,
218
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,998
And then
you'll remember.
219
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:50,336
No, david's not allowed
anywhere near my car.
220
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:54,373
Already talking like
a married woman.
221
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,643
Oh, god, and soon
i'll be talking like a mom,
222
00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,212
Just sitting around
with the girls
eating salads,
223
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:03,382
Chatting about sore nipples
and waiting for the prozac
to kick in.
224
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:08,253
You remind me of me
so much when I was
your age,
225
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:10,389
Ready to go out
and grab the world
by the throat
226
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,324
And throttle it
into control.
227
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,394
It's really good that
you've got all the energy
you've got, girlie,
228
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,029
Because you're
gonna need it.
229
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,732
Do you think
I can handle it all?
230
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,567
I think you're gonna
be great.
231
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:26,772
And you know if you
have anything going on
232
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:29,074
That you need help with--
even that baby--
233
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:31,477
You can bring that
to us anytime.
234
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,313
Well, I can bring it
to you, anyway.
235
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,383
Your dad's gonna
come around.
It's just...
236
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:40,853
After our wedding
he hardly saw his
parents again.
237
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:44,690
So I think maybe this
wedding, it's bringing all
that stuff back up for him.
238
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,759
Well, fine.
Then if he ever
talks to me again
239
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,861
I'll just let him know
i'm gonna be around.
240
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,929
I mean, i'm gonna need
someplace to hang out
241
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:54,667
While david's
watching the baby
and cleaning the house.
242
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,136
You go, girl.
243
00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,039
I heard that
on "ricki lake."
244
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,474
Yeah, I saw it,
so don't even go there.
245
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:07,279
I just want to thank you
because you've been
really great
246
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,815
During this whole
wedding thing.
So thanks.
247
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,318
I know how
you could've been.
248
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,921
Oh, I could've made
you guys miserable.
249
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,326
Remember how you were
the first time David
spent the night?
250
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:24,797
Oh, yeah.
It was awesome.
I was a total bitch.
251
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,000
That'll happen
again, you know?
252
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,002
I know.
253
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,104
So, you ready?
254
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:36,642
Well, in the words
of gary gilmore,
let's do it.
255
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:49,054
- well, darlene's ready.
- ( andy whines )
256
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,657
I knew it!
The little midget's
freaking out on us!
257
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,259
No, he's not.
He is not freaking out.
258
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,162
He ju--
he loves his mommy.
259
00:14:57,163 --> 00:15:01,066
Bull! D.J.,
you are gonna have to
be the ring boy.
260
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:04,303
No way! I'm gonna
look totally stupid!
I'll be humiliated!
261
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,706
- Mark, it's up to you.
- i'm your man.
262
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,943
No! No! Now we
promised little andy that
he would be the ring boy.
263
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:13,245
So i'm sorry.
Pardon us, please.
264
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,749
Ring boy coming through.
Ring boy coming through.
265
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:21,353
All right, well,
I guess we're next.
266
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,523
Uh, you know,
your daughter would like
to hear something from you.
267
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,793
Can't you just go tell her
you're happy for her
or something?
268
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,097
Why are they not
standing up?
269
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,833
The guy at rehearsal
said they only stand up
for the bride.
270
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,569
I really don't care what
the guy at rehearsal said.
The hell with tradition.
271
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:41,507
Everybody up!
I want you standing up!
272
00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:43,442
Good.
273
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,015
Wow.
274
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:52,685
Scary, huh?
275
00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:54,687
You look different.
276
00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:56,722
Oh, mission
accomplished.
277
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,863
Oh, no.
278
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:07,066
Oh, god.
( retching )
279
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,472
- she got sick.
- what'd you say to her?
280
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,309
What's the matter?
She's pregnant,
she had to barf.
281
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,845
Ain't none of
you ever been to
a wedding before?
282
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,316
- i'll go get her.
- no. I had one job--
283
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,552
That was to
walk my daughter
down the aisle.
284
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,487
I'll do it.
285
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,494
Well, picked
a good spot.
286
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,997
Thanks. You should
always find a downslope
according to "modern bride."
287
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,401
You okay?
288
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,436
Yeah.
289
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:48,040
- well, I guess we'd
better get back.
- wait up.
290
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,576
Darlene, there's something
i've been wanting to talk
to you about.
291
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,878
It's a good thing
I had to puke or you'd
have missed your chance.
292
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,249
See, uh,
I was thinking...
293
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:02,254
Man, how do
I do this?
294
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,090
- are you all right?
- yeah, i'm okay.
It's just...
295
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:07,092
Um...
296
00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:09,862
Well, here.
297
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,797
What's this?
298
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:15,167
That's a key to
a savings deposit box.
Nobody knows about it.
299
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:17,369
There's a bunch of
savings bonds in there
300
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,205
And a coin collection
that my grandfather
gave to me.
301
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,241
That's your just-in-case
money, Darlene.
302
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:25,310
- dad, you're gonna need
this more than we are.
- no, honey.
303
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:27,479
Now you've got
a baby coming,
and I just think--
304
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,816
- you have a baby at home now.
- you're just gonna take it,
'cause I just think
305
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:33,385
If you had more
money laying around
306
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,888
You'd have more
chances to change...
307
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,459
I don't know,
308
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,828
Whatever it is
you want to change.
309
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:48,033
I just don't
want you to miss any
opportunities, Darlene.
310
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,903
I'm not going to miss
any opportunities.
311
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,971
David and I are
still young enough
312
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,974
- so that we have plenty of
time to do whatever it is--
- no no no no no no.
313
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:59,078
You see, that's where
you're wrong, Darlene.
314
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:02,514
Everybody thinks there's
plenty of time to do
whatever they want.
315
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,751
Believe me,
there's not.
316
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:11,223
- stuff happens.
( chuckles )
- what stuff?
317
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,625
Oh, I don't know.
318
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,162
Any kind of stuff.
All kinds of stuff.
319
00:18:17,163 --> 00:18:21,633
See, you plan things
and the clock keeps ticking,
320
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,303
And you never
do 'em,
321
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:28,407
And suddenly d.J.'s
in high school
322
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,576
And you're
having a baby.
323
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,881
I haven't talked to
my dad in two years.
324
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,919
( sobs )
325
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:49,228
Well, you look
beautiful.
326
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,196
What's the occasion?
327
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,502
Dad, i'm not going
anywhere, okay?
328
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,437
I'm gonna be around.
329
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:03,842
You know, the first time
I held you, you were
wearing white
330
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,778
And you threw up.
331
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,216
I've been behaving
like a total jerk
332
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,619
When I should have
been supporting you.
333
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,721
Are you okay?
334
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,990
Can I do anything
for you?
335
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,025
You could walk me
down the aisle.
336
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,863
You ready to
give me away?
337
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,999
No, i'm not.
338
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,710
At this time
339
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:41,380
Darlene and David
have elected to
share with each other
340
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,615
Vows that they've
written themselves.
341
00:19:45,819 --> 00:19:47,886
I, David,
342
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:51,323
Promise to always love
and respect you, Darlene,
343
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:54,460
My fellow traveler
on this planet,
344
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,928
As we tread lightly
345
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:58,931
And replenish what we have
taken from this earth.
346
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:02,634
I guess we'll have to
return the deer rifle
we got him.
347
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,772
Did you hear that?
Did you hear what I just said?
It was funny.
348
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,507
Yeah, deer rifle.
349
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:14,346
And I, Darlene,
promise to love
and respect you, David,
350
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:17,082
As we strive not for
material possessions
351
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,418
But for contentment
and peace of mind.
352
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:23,188
I think she's got
marriage mixed up with
a nap on the porch.
353
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,961
How come
you're not laughing?
Did you hear that?
354
00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:31,363
Deer rifle.
355
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:35,300
And we know
the best way that
we can make it
356
00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:38,303
Is to rely
on each other
357
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:41,106
The way our parents,
Dan and Roseanne
conner, have.
358
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:44,443
No matter how good or bad
life has been to them,
359
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,745
They always found
the humor in it.
360
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,914
We hope we can
do the same.
361
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:52,117
I didn't even
see that coming.
Did you hear that?
362
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,254
Yeah, I heard that.
363
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,256
Congratulations.
364
00:20:57,257 --> 00:21:00,292
You are now
married.
365
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:03,729
I can't believe
you bought that whole
pregnancy thing.
366
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,400
( guests clapping )
367
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:24,216
( sighs )
368
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,355
You ought to see
nana mary.
369
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:32,691
She thinks the ice sculpture
is a mechanical bull.
370
00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:35,094
No, thanks.
I don't feel so good.
371
00:21:35,095 --> 00:21:37,930
Well, duh.
You were pounding down
the imitation crab
372
00:21:37,931 --> 00:21:41,033
Like it was
the real thing.
373
00:21:41,034 --> 00:21:43,235
- good wedding, honey.
- yeah.
374
00:21:43,236 --> 00:21:45,671
You know what
I think?
375
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,507
I think we ought
to get divorced
376
00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:50,709
Just so we can get
remarried again,
you know?
377
00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:52,711
And then we could
write our own vows,
378
00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:55,147
And we'll say
that we want to be
just like us.
379
00:21:57,150 --> 00:22:00,386
Uh, I really don't
feel so good.
380
00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:02,388
I'm not kidding.
381
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:05,324
Maybe you should
go find a phone,
call dr. Walker.
382
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,126
Dan...
383
00:22:07,127 --> 00:22:09,061
Call somebody.
384
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:20,506
( siren wailing )
385
00:22:26,413 --> 00:22:28,414
( car doors slam )
386
00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:30,649
( radio chatter )
387
00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:36,155
( gurney clattering )
42720
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