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1
00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,906
Man, there's justso much to do to preparefor this wedding.
2
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:09,775
We still have
to get flowers,
3
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:11,443
Hors d'oeuvres,
a church.
4
00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:13,479
Well, maybe you should
ask Darlene to do
some of it
5
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,181
If you weren't
so damn whipped.
6
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,984
Well, I think
the first order
of business--
7
00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:21,186
Mom, you're only allowed
one suggestion per hour.
8
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:24,890
And your last one
counted as two, because it
went on for too long.
9
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,826
Mom, some guy just
delivered this for you.
10
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:30,229
Well, I didn't order that.
Did you give him any money?
11
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,897
- no.
- oh, okay.
12
00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,499
Well, put it down there.
13
00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:38,604
Saw your commentary on tv
14
00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:41,440
About how hard it is
to find a descent
wedding cake.
15
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:44,576
Sincerely, albano's bakery,
third and main.
16
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:47,880
- feel free to mention
us on your show.
- ( chuckles )
17
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,249
Man, that's just
out-and-out bribery.
18
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:53,385
It's totally unethical
and chocolaty.
19
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,354
That cake won't last
until the wedding.
20
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,956
That cake won't last
till dinner.
21
00:00:57,957 --> 00:01:01,627
So just because you mentioned
wedding cakes on television
22
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:03,128
Someone sent you
a free one?
23
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:06,365
Yeah, and they say
tv only adds 10 lbs.
24
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:10,169
Whoa, I can see
my next commentary
25
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,870
Appearing before my eyes--
26
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,239
I was wrong
about bakeries.
27
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,676
Albano's on third
and main is a great one.
28
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:20,713
And I wonder where
I can get a descent
wedding dress
29
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,381
Or hors d'oeuvres,
30
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:25,050
Or a candy-apple
red pump
31
00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:27,853
In a size 7 1/2
with a low heel.
32
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:31,290
That's it.
My divorce is final--
33
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:34,593
Signed,
sealed, delivered.
I'm alone,
34
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:38,063
Legally forever single
till death do I part.
35
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,834
Hey, Jackie,
a guy in a long robe
36
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,870
Carrying a big sickle
was by here looking for you.
37
00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:48,140
Go ahead and joke.
You're not the one facing
a life of solitude,
38
00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,876
Or uneven mattress wear.
39
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:53,712
Come one, Jackie.
You'll find someone.
40
00:01:53,713 --> 00:01:55,447
Who wouldn't want to
go out with you?
41
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:58,217
That's easy for you
to say, you little
frizzy-haired pollyanna.
42
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:03,889
You talk to me after
a year of marriage,
43
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:05,758
After you've
taken up smoking
44
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:09,595
Just to shave
a couple of years off
your miserable life.
45
00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:12,398
I got to go
46
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:15,267
Work on this
seating chart now.
47
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:18,804
Yeah, make sure you put
me between the priest
and the florist.
48
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,839
Hey hey,
don't count out
that priest.
49
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,076
- times have changed.
- Jackie, I have just
the tonic.
50
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,711
Why don't you come
with me Saturday night
51
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,513
To my ballroom
dance class?
52
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,515
Why didn't
I think of that?
53
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:32,184
Mom, that's
a great idea.
54
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:34,887
I'm sure that the man
of my dreams is sitting
at home right now
55
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,923
Clipping on his bow tie
and strapping on his truss.
56
00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:39,758
( laughing )
57
00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:42,795
It's not just
for seniors.
58
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,297
There's plenty
of cultured
59
00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:48,233
And delightful gentlemen
of all ages there.
60
00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:49,735
I may be desperate,
61
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,471
But I haven't
sunk that low.
62
00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:54,707
Oh really?
63
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,976
Hey, I cannot believe
that I am agreeing
with mom here.
64
00:02:57,977 --> 00:02:59,978
You really should go.
65
00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:01,613
I was reading
this big article
66
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:04,817
About how ballroom dancing
is making a big old comeback.
67
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:08,153
So you really
don't think it would be
a huge waste of time?
68
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:10,055
No more than
your marriage.
69
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,460
All right, i'll go.
All right.
70
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:16,061
I'm gonna feel
really stupid.
71
00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:19,431
Oh, goody!
And i'll help you
pick out an outfit.
72
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:22,301
Plus perhaps we can
tease that hair
73
00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:23,936
Into something
presentable.
74
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:27,606
Why don't you
try to tease it into
a nice set of boobs?
75
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:34,013
Roseanne, you might
like to come along too.
76
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,181
Dance is good exercise.
77
00:03:36,182 --> 00:03:38,350
Hey, I am not divorced,
78
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:40,719
Single, desperate,
or lonely.
79
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,355
What the hell do I need
to exercise for?
80
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,457
( theme music playing )
81
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,299
( Roseanne laughs )
82
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,776
- hey.
- hey.
83
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,278
Mark, what happened
to your hand?
84
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,281
He was working the saw
and he almost cut
it off again.
85
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,984
Mark, what an idiot.
86
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:47,820
What do you
mean an idiot?
Didn't you hear him?
87
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,289
Almost.
88
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,424
Unbelievable.
89
00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:55,627
Shouldn't you be sewing up
your wedding dress, mary?
90
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,566
Is he the dumbest guy
you've ever known?
91
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,267
I work at a construction
business, David.
92
00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:04,970
I would have
to see a list.
93
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:08,040
Mr. Conner,
do you know anything
about wedding tuxes?
94
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,075
I mean, do you have
to wear underwear,
95
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:13,078
Or are they
built into the pants
like in bathing suits?
96
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:15,047
Oh, David,
I don't know.
97
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,716
I don't feel
like talking about
wedding stuff right now.
98
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,785
You're still
kind of angry
99
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:22,054
About this whole
pregnancy-wedding thing
aren't you?
100
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,289
I am making
great strides
101
00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:26,592
In my acceptance of this
difficult situation.
102
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:31,330
Well good,
103
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,966
Because...
104
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:37,670
I really think
you're the greatest guy
in the world, Mr. Conner,
105
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,539
And I want you
to be my best man.
106
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:44,209
Oh, I don't know.
107
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,011
Well, I know
it's weird.
108
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,280
So don't answer now.
Just think about it,
all right?
109
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,649
Yeah, i'll get
back to you.
110
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:53,152
You're gonna
love me again one day,
Mr. Conner.
111
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,454
You'll see.
112
00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,423
I'll get back
to you about that too.
113
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,730
Here we are.
114
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:06,432
- hello, agnes!
- hello, dear.
115
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,667
When we start dancing,
if you get confused,
116
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:10,602
Just follow her--
the left leg.
117
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,805
The right one
she just drags.
118
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,907
Oh, this isn't bad.
119
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,109
- there's people my age.
- I told you there would be.
120
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,945
- now let me
introduce you around.
- mother, stay.
121
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,817
Hi, i'm Jackie.
I'm new.
122
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,919
- hi, i'm roger.
- roger.
123
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,855
Hi, so nice to meet
a man who likes to dance
124
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:33,392
And who isn't,
like, a total troll.
125
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,729
Well, my fiancee and I are
taking dancing lessons
for our wedding.
126
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,764
In fact, that's why
a lot of people are here.
127
00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:41,400
Oh, really?
Who exactly?
128
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,602
Well, our whole group.
129
00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:47,006
Uh-huh, so...
130
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,675
That would be basically
131
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:52,845
Everyone under 90.
So, okay, well,
132
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,446
Gotta get back
to my mom.
133
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:57,116
So you and your fiancee
have a nice life.
134
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,318
You know,
I was once you.
135
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,020
And now i'm me.
136
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,522
So I will just
leave you with that.
137
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:09,828
Mother, every man
here is engaged.
138
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,697
Really?
Why, that's lovely.
139
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:13,732
Lovely?
Listen, old woman,
140
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:16,935
I washed these
hose out in the sink
and put them on wet
141
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:19,672
Because you told me
that there were going
to be guys here. Liar.
142
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:23,509
- liar!
- shh, here he comes.
143
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:26,278
( samba music playing )
144
00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:33,318
- hi, gang.
- hi, hal.
145
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,925
- buenos noches.
- buenos noches.
146
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:43,462
- oh, hal.
- oh, Beverly,
is that a new scarf?
147
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:47,199
Oh, yes.
I knew we were going
to do the samba tonight
148
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,102
So I wanted to wear
something bold.
149
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,171
You saucy
little thing you.
150
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,707
- ( both laughing )
- oh, stop it.
151
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:58,444
- hal is flirting
with bev again.
- what else is new?
152
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:01,213
Well, of course
i'm flirting with her.
Do you know why?
153
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,482
It's because it makes
you girls jealous.
154
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,918
And when you get jealous,
your passions come out
155
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,287
And you dance
like tigresses.
( growls )
156
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:11,156
( both growling )
157
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,193
( chuckles )
wonderful.
158
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,861
Okay, everybody,
get ready.
159
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:18,430
We're going to do
the samba!
160
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,232
Hey!
161
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,669
( samba music playing )
162
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:31,977
( laughs )
163
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:38,283
Hi there, i'm hal.
164
00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:41,453
- i'm Jackie.
- all right, let's move
those hips around,
165
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,689
Loosen them up.
That's good.
166
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:47,459
Oh, that's hot.
That is good.
167
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,328
All right,
come on, honey.
168
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,929
- you wanna try a turn?
- a turn?
169
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,331
- no, I couldn't possibly--
- yeah, sure.
170
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,966
- come on, do a turn.
- oh my.
171
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:57,136
That's wonderful.
Come on, let's do a dip.
172
00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,205
( laughing )
173
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,341
You're wonderful.
What a natural you are.
174
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:03,909
- thank you.
- yeah, really.
175
00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:07,680
Tell me,
are you gonna be
one of my new pupils?
176
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:11,483
Oh, hal,
I don't think so.
I'm not engaged
177
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:14,820
And i'm not decrepit.
178
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,355
Oh, don't say
that to me.
179
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:19,758
If you had a dagger,
you could plunge it
into my heart.
180
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:22,594
You are a big flirt.
181
00:09:22,595 --> 00:09:25,564
With those big beautiful
brown eyes, I could be
anybody you want.
182
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,666
( both laughing )
183
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,704
Since you're not going
to be my student,
184
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,872
Maybe we can have
dinner together.
185
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,974
Uh, sure.
186
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:37,743
- what do you say, tonight?
- yeah yeah.
187
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,178
- after class?
- yes.
188
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,480
- a little bistro
that I know.
- all right.
189
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:44,950
Wonderful.
Excuse me for
a minute.
190
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:46,585
That's it.
That's it.
191
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:49,121
That's it.
One, two.
192
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,056
Is this it, hal?
193
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,661
Where did
Beverly go, huh?
194
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:57,730
That's beverly's scarf,
195
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,565
But you're not Beverly.
196
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:02,534
No no,
you're carmen
on the beach
197
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,404
Of ipanema.
Whoa, hey!
198
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,046
Man, look at all
this free stuff.
199
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:17,950
This tv scam
is the greatest thing
I ever thought of.
200
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,718
� da da da da da �
201
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,588
� the stores! �
202
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:25,824
Yes, I think at least six
of everything
203
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:29,228
You shamelessly
mentioned on the air has
been delivered.
204
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,629
That is not true.
205
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,599
I did not get
the bagel slicer,
the fry baby,
206
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,135
Or the 24-cubic-foot
frigidaire.
207
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,504
Which is almost enough
208
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,606
To hold
the conner family supply
209
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,975
Of breakfast meats.
210
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,144
So where is the stuff
you said you got
for the diner?
211
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,912
Oh man, you
wouldn't believe it.
The whole kitchen
212
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,148
Is full of free
hors d'oeuvres.
213
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,650
I figure the stuff
we recognize we'll sell
for a buck,
214
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,186
And other stuff two bucks.
215
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:57,222
( yawns )
216
00:10:57,223 --> 00:11:00,159
How come you're so tired?
217
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,929
Are you having
that dream about
that giant monkey again?
218
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:06,231
No, I happen
to have been
219
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,133
Out dancing
all night.
220
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,903
Oh really?
So you met a guy
at mom's thing?
221
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:13,405
I was right.
Yeah, well, so who is he?
What's he like?
222
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,708
Well, he's...
223
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:19,345
He's a guy
that likes to dance.
You know the type.
224
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,580
You know,
he's got shoes
225
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:24,249
And that's
who he is.
226
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:28,087
Well, aside from
the likes-to-dance part,
sounds just like Dan.
227
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:31,757
There she is.
You shameless hussy!
228
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:34,493
You stole my man!
229
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,901
Stole your man?
What are you talking about?
230
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:46,972
Are you gonna deny
that you went out with
hal after class?
231
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:49,508
He asked me out,
so I went out with him.
What's the big deal?
232
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,378
So you just stole him
from your own mother?
233
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,114
You trollop!
234
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:57,583
My sister
and my mother
235
00:11:57,584 --> 00:12:00,586
Are fighting over
the same guy?
236
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:04,390
The only thing
left for this family
is cannibalism.
237
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,459
I didn't steal
anybody from her.
238
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,328
The old bat's
out of her mind.
239
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:12,131
Floozy!
Jezebel!
240
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,033
Little miss
round heels!
241
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:19,471
Gee, Jackie,
doesn't that remind you
of your sweet-16 party?
242
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,006
So you think
this is funny?
243
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:24,576
Oh, I think everybody's
gonna think this is funny.
244
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,945
- ( car honks )
- damn.
245
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:30,182
There's that sample limo.
246
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,284
Well, I hope you guys
can keep this up
247
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,720
Till I get back from
my free hot-air-balloon ride.
248
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:39,024
You do know
249
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,727
That you and hal look
ridiculous together.
250
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:45,030
Mother, i'm not even
going to talk to you
about this.
251
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:48,233
What's wrong, Jackie?
Been out of circulation
too long?
252
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,703
Too scared to date
a man your own age?
253
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,971
I'm not scared
of anything.
254
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:56,275
Okay, there's
the rabbits.
255
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,210
Mom-- well, maybe
a part of it
256
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:01,413
Is that I haven't
been out there in
a number of years,
257
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,615
But so hal is
a really nice guy.
258
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,517
He's safe, you know?
What's wrong with that?
259
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,753
Well, you're not
serious about him.
260
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:10,823
- you're taking
advantage of him.
- mom!
261
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,792
You've been going
down there for two years.
You've never been out with him.
262
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:17,629
I've cleverly
paced myself.
263
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:21,567
And he was about
to make his move.
264
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:25,237
Last week,
instead of calling me bev,
265
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:28,640
He accidentally
called me "bed."
266
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,812
Well, there you are.
267
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:38,484
Mother, that's not
exactly a relationship.
268
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,388
You don't know
anything about hal.
269
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:44,256
Did you know he was one
270
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:47,659
Of the original
June taylor dancers?
271
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,629
Look, mom,
I know you like him,
272
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:53,332
But listen to me.
You weren't seeing him.
273
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,168
I was seeing him
every Saturday night
274
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,637
For the last two years!
275
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:00,806
And it's been wonderful.
276
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:03,442
We danced together.
We chatted.
277
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,844
And oh,
how we laughed.
278
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,713
You can still
do all that.
279
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,848
No, I can't.
280
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,850
It's ruined.
281
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,786
From now on,
282
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:16,221
I guess i'll just
spend Saturday nights
283
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:19,491
- looking at
television alone.
- mom.
284
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:23,162
I'll go down this week
and tell the gals.
285
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:26,331
And then my dancing days
are through.
286
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,467
Thank you, Jackie,
287
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,670
For spoiling everything.
288
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,373
( door slams )
289
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,409
You stole your mother's
boyfriend, huh?
290
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,511
Been there.
291
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:48,854
Almost cutting my hand off
the other day really got me
thinking about a lot of stuff.
292
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:51,023
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
293
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,325
Like what it'd be like
if I didn't have a hand.
294
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,700
Shouldn't he be getting
ready for his wedding?
295
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,570
- I mean, is he even
thinking about it?
- sure he is.
296
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,839
He's helping
Darlene with stuff.
297
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,742
He asked me
to be his best man.
He's on top of things.
298
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,313
He asked you to be
his best man, huh?
299
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,784
Oh, did I say
"best man"?
300
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,652
I'm sorry,
I got it wrong.
301
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,321
He asked me
to be his main man.
302
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,060
Whatever, it's--
303
00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:34,933
David, David!
304
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,303
I've made up my mind
about being your best man,
and the answer's no.
305
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:41,974
I understand.
You hate me.
306
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:45,144
No, I don't hate you.
307
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:48,147
I mean, it's very nice
that you asked me.
308
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,482
I just think it would
be better if you asked
your brother.
309
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,418
Mark?
310
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,421
I don't like Mark.
311
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:58,023
That's it.
We just don't get along.
312
00:15:58,024 --> 00:16:00,759
Aren't you supposed
to pick a best man you like
and get along with?
313
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,662
That's not even true about
the person you marry.
314
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,200
Now go on.
He's your brother.
Ask him.
315
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,536
Fine.
316
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,105
( groans )
I can just hear
his toast now.
317
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:15,507
"chicks are weird.
Let's chug!"
318
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,012
There you go.
319
00:16:21,715 --> 00:16:23,115
Mark.
320
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,050
Hey.
321
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,389
So i've been
thinking about it,
322
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:33,392
And I want you
to be my best man.
323
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,394
Look, don't do me
any favors, okay?
324
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,663
I'm not doing
you a favor.
325
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,799
Look, you asked
Dan first instead of me.
326
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,468
Why?
327
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,503
Why?
328
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,139
Do you really
wanna know why?
329
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,575
- yeah, that's
why i'm asking.
- okay.
330
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:52,711
All right,
fine, Mark.
331
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,980
You tormented me
my whole life.
332
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:57,583
You know,
my first memory
333
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:00,719
Is of you stuffing me
in a piano when I was
three years old.
334
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,456
You stole my allowance.
335
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,392
You bent the spokes
on my bike.
336
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,094
You told every girl
I had a crush on
that I had fleas.
337
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:11,163
You did.
338
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,832
That one summer.
339
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:16,468
Face it, Mark,
340
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,137
You viciously bullied me
341
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:21,073
Until I was old enough
to figure out how to just
avoid you all together,
342
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,042
Which is why we are
the way we are today.
343
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:26,779
And you wonder why
I don't ask you to be
my best man?
344
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,615
Yeah, why not?
345
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,450
I just told you, Mark.
346
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,552
It doesn't matter.
I don't wanna be your
best man anyway.
347
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,055
- fine, then just say no.
- oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
348
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,490
Oh, you're
driving me crazy!
349
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,626
Mark, come here.
350
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:43,696
Just say you'll
be my best man
and shut up!
351
00:17:43,697 --> 00:17:47,066
Look at this!
You can't even
ask me nicely!
352
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,867
All right,
fine, Mark.
353
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:50,436
Don't be my best man,
all right?
354
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:52,404
Just kill me
and put me out
of my misery.
355
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,440
Look, if you're
that miserable,
356
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,475
I'll be your best man.
357
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,243
- will that
make you happy?
- yes.
358
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:05,851
It's good.
It's a good start.
359
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,854
Yeah, I mean,
we are brothers.
360
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,423
Yeah.
361
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,659
No way am I letting
you stuff that cake
in my face though.
362
00:18:22,002 --> 00:18:24,403
You can't leave us, bev.
363
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:27,139
You're the sparkplug
for our little ensemble.
364
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:30,409
Please, ladies,
allow me to do this
with dignity.
365
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,745
I don't wanna end up
like ginger rogers
366
00:18:32,746 --> 00:18:34,947
Dancing past my prime.
367
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:38,884
Well, ladies
of the chorus,
368
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,754
Adieu.
369
00:18:41,755 --> 00:18:44,790
And where do you think
you're going, Beverly?
370
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:48,527
I just--
i'm quitting
the class, hal.
371
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,129
- quitting?
- yes.
372
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,697
You can't quit.
373
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:54,133
We need you.
I need you.
374
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,936
- you're like
a willow by a lake.
- excuse me?
375
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:01,807
You're like a raindrop
dancing on a windowpane
376
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,843
On a warm hot
summer night in August.
377
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:08,480
Oh, hal, that's what
jeff chandler said
to mamie van doren
378
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,050
- in "surrender
in September."
- oh.
379
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:14,153
You were so
wonderful in that.
What was your line?
380
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:17,289
"i'll pull
the car around."
381
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:20,626
But this isn't
a movie, hal.
382
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,595
It's my life,
and it's time for me
to get on with it.
383
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,799
No no, you can't
leave, bevvy.
You can't.
384
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,535
You're my favorite student.
385
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:32,071
You're not going
to leave me alone here
with all these old ladies.
386
00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:34,907
- please don't.
- Jackie isn't old, hal.
387
00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:37,976
Oh, her.
Well no, you raised
a very charming woman.
388
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,478
I mean,
very very nice,
389
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:40,979
And I like her,
but there's--
390
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,082
What are you saying?
You're not interested
in her?
391
00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:46,151
Why should I settle
for a pale copy
392
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,053
Of the original?
393
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:51,523
Oh, hal, please.
Really?
394
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,859
Why drink grape juice,
395
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,428
When you could have
vintage bordeaux?
396
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:59,531
Oh, no.
397
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,900
I can't have you
disparaging my daughter.
398
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,069
She's a fine young woman
and mother.
399
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:07,806
And i'm sure her credit
rating will be restored
within the year.
400
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,009
Please, you must stay.
401
00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:12,444
Should I?
Oh, I don't know.
I just don't know.
402
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,380
I'm not starting
this class without you.
403
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:17,149
My capezios
are in the car.
404
00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:19,785
I'll be back
in a trice.
405
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:22,554
( chuckles )
wonderful.
406
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,824
All right, everybody,
tonight we're going
to do the rumba.
407
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,027
I'll be back in five--
408
00:20:28,028 --> 00:20:31,363
Quicker than you can say
"xavier cugat."
409
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:34,767
Oh, hal, thank you.
Thanks.
410
00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:38,203
- thanks, hal,
for doing that.
- she's such a sweet kid.
411
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:39,938
And I wanted
to thank you also
412
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:41,840
For the time that
we spent together,
you know?
413
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,642
I haven't been dating
for quite a while now
414
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:46,779
And it was very sweet
of you to help me get back
there in the game.
415
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,014
Are you kidding?
You're a beautiful woman.
416
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,550
Guys are gonna
be lining up.
417
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:54,586
You're like
a willow by a lake.
418
00:20:57,390 --> 00:21:00,826
You're like a drop of rain
dancing on a windowpane
419
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:04,029
After a hot warm
summer August night.
420
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,330
Oh, hal.
421
00:21:05,331 --> 00:21:09,234
And you--
well, you are like...
422
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:12,338
The last piece of pizza...
423
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:19,244
That everyone wants
and no one will take
424
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:22,247
Because who knows
425
00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:25,084
How long it's been
sitting there?
426
00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:32,524
Sure, kid.
Anything you say.
427
00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:36,328
Oh, and, hal,
I just wanted to ask
one other thing.
428
00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:38,664
You know, when we were out
dancing the other night,
429
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:42,201
And I don't know,
I just wanted to know,
am I any good?
430
00:21:42,202 --> 00:21:44,303
You suck, baby.
431
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:49,041
( theme music playing )
432
00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:56,782
Which is port
and which is starboard?
433
00:21:56,783 --> 00:21:59,651
Well, that depends.
That depends on whether
you're coming or going.
434
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:03,255
I mean, normally the aft
is on the other side
of the stern.
435
00:22:03,256 --> 00:22:05,124
And that's the bridge
436
00:22:05,125 --> 00:22:07,926
So that you can get
from one side of the boat
to the other.
437
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,329
Would you like
a glass of champagne?
438
00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:13,032
Love it.
Which way?
439
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:17,269
Here we are.
It isn't very much.
440
00:22:17,270 --> 00:22:20,105
After all,
it's only a yacht.
441
00:22:24,444 --> 00:22:28,313
Do you wanna see
the ashtray I stole
from the white house?
442
00:22:28,314 --> 00:22:31,283
( theme music playing )
47033
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