Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

$5.

( laughs )

What are you, a wimp?

Put your money where your mouth is.

All right, $10.

You're a sucker. You're gonna lose.

Get your turtle.

( groaning ) oh god.

Okay, on the count of three. Ready?

Both: one, two, three.

Come on, lightning.

Go down, jerry.

- come on, lightning - jerry, check it out.

Come on, lightning. Come on, lightning.

Come on, jerry, crawl. Crawl like the wind.

What are you doing?

Baby vs. Turtle, sport of kings.

Come on, jerry.

You're using our baby brother for sport? That is sick.

When he was asleep we were using him for third base.

You're gonna traumatize this kid.

No, growing up in this household is gonna traumatize the kid.

Beating the turtle is his only shot at self-esteem.

Come on, jerry.

You're lucky, Darlene, the kid was gonna lose.

He didn't stand a chance against lightning.

As ridiculous as this is, d.J.,

Jerry clearly could've beaten that turtle.

Yeah, maybe in a distance race, but not in a sprint.

My baby brother

Could mop the floor with that reptile.

Yeah, well I got 10 bucks that says otherwise.

You're on.

Come on, lightning. Come on.

Come on, jerry.

Crawl, damn it!

Crawl like the wind. Come on, jerry.

( door shuts )

Give me five on the turtle.

- come on, jerry! - come on, lightning!

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )

D.J., d.J., what the heck are you doing?

The picture's all screwy. I'm just trying to fix it.

Never never punch a tv, son.

There are tools for situations like this.

Hey, everyone, guess what? Guess what?

You cracked 5'4".

I got a job. I got a really great job.

Call a mover. Call a really great mover.

I don't think you need a mover

For five sweatsocks and a tear stained diary.

Congratulations.

Now nothing in this world can hold you back

Except your association with this family.

I'm really proud of you, pal. If you save up for a couple of months

You can get that studio apartment you had your eye on.

No, I don't even need it anymore.

That's the best part of the job.

I have to work weekends, but they provide meals and housing.

David, you've become a priest.

No, it's even better than that.

I am going to be working at edelweiss gardens amusement park.

Oh, wow! That's like the coolest place in the whole state.

Last year a whole family got crushed to death

On one of those twirling beer steins.

That's how I want to go.

I met the recruiter today at the mall.

They interviewed me on the spot

And said that I was perfect edelweiss gardens material.

Rock on, liebchen.

Remember how sad we were last week

When we had to leave disneyworld?

Now it's gonna be like I get to live in an amusement park.

You get to wear shorts and knee socks.

You won't look like too much of a fem.

No, actually they said they can probably find a place for me

In their art department. I'm gonna go call Darlene

And then i'm gonna leave notice at the pizza place.

Hey, don't forget your severance pizzas.

Nice room, David.

No windows to wash.

Kind of like living in an empty swimming pool.

Yeah, with no pesky distractions.

Is it night? Is it day?

Did I miss spring?

It used to be a days inn.

Wow, they really fixed this place up.

Don't these banks and banks

Of fluorescent lights drain your energy?

I think they give you energy.

Hi, everybody, i'm doug. I'll be david's roommate.

You must be David.

Yeah, hi.

My my my, what a fun looking group.

It's not even noon yet and the kid's plastered.

This is Mr. And Mrs. Conner, and this is Jackie.

Hi, everyone. It's great to have you here.

But you should know in the future

There are no visitors allowed in the men's residence.

You don't have to worry about that.

David's not very popular.

( all laugh )

Okay.

Well...

I'll get your "welcome to edelweiss" packet from Mr. Schlosser's office.

Who's Mr. Schlosser?

He's our chief instructor.

He's terrific. And i'm not just saying that 'cause I have to.

Man, if he's not employee of the week,

I'd like to see who is.

Hey, look--

The guy who founded the joint.

I heard he had himself frozen after he died.

Remind me not to eat the snow cones around here.

You're going to be busy, David.

You got breakfast at 6:00, calisthenics at 7:00,

Animatronics repair class at 8:00.

You're gonna do more before 9:00 a.M. Than most people do all day.

Sounds pretty grueling, bud.

You sure you just don't want to get married?

Here you go, David, everything you'll need.

Doug, I was looking at your itinerary there. I got to tell you--

You shouldn't read things on the wall in here, Jackie.

Say goodbye now, David.

Smile practice in 15 minutes,

Where you learn to be friendly to the customers.

Wow, it's amazing.

It's like he's got one regular smile, you know,

And then there's that one.

Man, David, you're gonna be a busy boy around here.

( laughing ) David can handle it.

He's one of us now.

There it is again.

Well... I guess we ought to get out of your hair.

Yeah, you guys probably want to take some time,

Get acquainted, you know...

Talk about your girlfriends back in the states.

Well, thanks for helping me move in here.

And thanks for, you know, everything.

We're still gonna be seeing you all the time, David.

Jackie: well, yeah.

Yeah, now that you can get us into the park for free.

Ha ha! Or-- or even if we have to pay.

You know, 'cause that would be darn well worth it.

We should go.

You're gonna be okay here, right, David?

Oh yeah, sure.

Uh, well...

Remember to write us every day.

And don't forget to include a photo of yourself

Holding up that day's newspaper.

How did you get used to these ties?

Getting up so early?

( chuckles ) one sets one's mind to it--

Simply a matter of dominating the will.

Oh, see, i'm usually the dominatee.

Good morning.

All: morning, Mr. Schlosser.

Good morning, Mr. Schlosser.

Are you fresh to our ranks?

Yes, sir. David healy.

Uh... Ahoy.

Sir.

And how are we fitting in?

Oh, pretty good. Pretty good.

Nice people. I've already met some of you.

Couldn't tell you which ones, but...

Thank you, Mr. Healy.

Today's topic is character assimilation.

This is where you learn not just to play

But to be the park's signature mascot

Hans the hare.

( laughing )

Sorry.

It's just that button nose, I couldn't help myself.

Yes, hans is very funny.

( all laughing )

But remember, hans is not purely a comedian

Like a stan laurel or a sinbad;

Hans is an all-around entertainer.

He sings, he dances, he has a fitness video.

It's a full-body workout. It's wonderful.

Now that you've read your "hans the hare" manual

Tell me...

What is this hans

Doing wrong?

Hans does not wave constantly, but intermittently.

Good!

Hans only spins clockwise.

Excellent!

David healy...

What is hans doing wrong now?

Uh, his ears aren't pointing to 10:00 and 2:00?

Look, i'm sorry.

I didn't have time to read my manual last night.

I was so tired after those wind sprints.

Class, help Mr. Healy.

All: hans doesn't sit.

"a sitting bunny is an invitation to mayhem."

Listen, Mr. Schlosser,

I'm not sure i'm supposed to be here learning about how to play hans.

I draw, I paint. I was told I was going to be in the art department.

How many of you here

Are on the waiting list for the art department?

Mr. Healy,

If you're having second thoughts about joining the edelweiss family

Then by all means vacate your room and leave.

Vacate my room?

No no, Mr. Schlosser, i'll stay.

I'll stay and i'll be the best damn--

( all gasp )

Darn hans the hare there ever was.

I thought I was done filling out forms when we got this prison job.

Every day they send me something new.

- i'm getting writer's cramp. - ( knocking on door )

See if they got any forms for workman's comp.

Hey, I heard something on the news

About these government contractors getting all these kickbacks, you know?

Find out how that works.

Hi, Mrs. Conner. May I come in?

I'm sorry, but we already subscribe to "the watchtower."

What the hell are you knocking for?

I haven't lived here for two whole weeks.

I don't want to be impolite.

May I remind you where you are, young man?

I'm just trying to be nice.

At edelweiss we're supposed to be nice all the time.

Guess it just kind of stuck with me.

So how is everyone?

Oh, everyone is just fine.

But I won't be till you take off that stupid tie.

I need it so I can shoot up.

I'd really rather keep it on.

Besides, I like looking nice.

We have this little hans the hare motto:

"my teeth brushed white, clothes wrinkle-free,

I'm hans the hare, and I love me."

Then we kind of hop around a little.

You won't be doing that here.

What other stuff they got you doing there?

Well, first they had me on the crusades adventure

But soon I might be working on the fortress of fun

Or maybe even das glass-bottom boot.

Have they got any adventures

That don't have something to do with war?

You know, like something happy

Like little bears or elves

Or-- you know, this is out of my area, but you know what I mean.

I'm sure there are other rides,

But I don't know the whole park yet.

You'd better not let hans the hare find out about that.

He'll give you some demerits.

How did you know about the demerits?

You've got to be kidding me.

No, all it takes is six demerits and then they send you

To the edelweiss correction school for a month.

Correction school? What's that, some kind of brainwashing camp?

No, it says right on the brochure

"this is not a brainwashing camp."

Yeah and I put the correct weight

On my driver's license.

Mrs. Conner, this might not mean much to you

But it's very important to me that I make this job work.

Hey, David, looking good.

I'm going to go comb my hair.

I'm feeling a little unkempt.

Thank you for the compliment, Mr. Conner.

Would you look at that?

Our david's turning into a man.

No he's not.

He's turning into some kind of

Buttoned down corporate rabbit robot.

And the really scary thing is, did you see that tie?

It's not even a clip-on.

Come on, Roseanne, he's just trying to be part of a team.

Team sports made me what I am today.

( scoffs )

You made me what I am today.

But team sports got me ready for you.

We've got to help him, Dan.

No, we've got to let go. He's over 18.

Remember, as much as we love David he's not really our son.

Well, not according to our last tax returns.

Pardon me, hans.

Oh, hi. You can call me David.

That's all right, hans.

You know, i've always had a thing for hans the hare.

I often dream that i'm even married to hans.

I know that's silly.

Or is it?

Team leader in the room.

All right, everyone, we're expecting a full park today

And I want to see a lot of children with happy faces

Because a happy face is...

All: a repeat customer.

People...

Today ends the two- week probation period

Of our newest hans the hare.

And in keeping with the grand

Edelweiss gardens tradition...

Hans, today your head will be placed on

By none other than the very first ever hans the hare.

Never do anything to disgrace the bunny.

Where's David healy?

How did you get past the security goats?

Well, actually I had no problem at all.

Perhaps it was my...

Lucky rabbit's foot.

Ma'am i'm going to have to ask you to leave the magic rabbit hole.

Pal, i'm gonna have to ask you to kiss my ass.

Which one of you is David healy?

They have no identity.

They won't answer to any name except the one we've given them.

David healy:

The kid who secretly hates animals;

The kid who told me the buffalo got what they deserved.

Which one of you is David now?

Hans! Put your head back on.

Don't do it, David.

Once the head is on it does not come off.

David, no.

You don't know how many pimply- faced teenagers

Have put their heads in there.

( intoning ) hans, follow your training.

I trained you first, David.

Here, sniff my hand to remember.

Mrs. Conner, why are you doing this?

Why are you trying to make me go home?

( sighs ) five words, David:

You're dressed like a rabbit.

They're giving me a job, a place to stay.

I've been at your house too long.

But David, you don't have to sell out

Everything you believe in just to pay the rent.

I like it here.

No you don't, David.

You just think you do because it's so easy.

They do all your thinking for you.

They make all your decisions for you.

They say "hop" and you say "how high?"

Three inches.

Wake up, David.

This place wants to be disneyworld,

But it's just some creepy fascist copy.

Today it's, "hi, i'm hans the hare. Welcome to the park."

But tomorrow it's, "I was only following orders."

I don't know what to do.

Well, I do. You're gonna go home with me now.

That is if-- if they let you.

Of course, Mr. Healy is free to leave.

All edelweiss gardens employees have complete freedom.

You say they have freedom,

But do they really?

Are they free after work to go sit and have a beer

And trash their boss like you can on any other job?

No!

And yet this place claims

To represent what america stands for.

Well, my america stands for more

Than $5 to park, $30 to get in,

And $5 tasteless bunny-shaped hamburgers.

Now if you will excuse us,

David and I are going to get in my crappy car,

Drive along that polluted river

Where we could get carjacked or forced off the road by drunks,

Pull up in front of our house and run in before we are robbed.

Because that, mister, is my america

And I thank god we're free to enjoy it.

Come on, David.

No, Mrs. Conner, I want to go back to edelweiss gardens

So I can help people have fun again.

All right, let's go over this

One more time:

Your name is David healy.

You frown, you're introspective

And you mope.

I'm not listening. I'm not listening. I'm not listening.

Listen to me, David.

We don't whistle while we work.

We grumble and complain

And encourage others to do likewise.

No no no!

- no no no no! - yes yes yes!

Let me tell you a little something about your edelweiss gardens, David.

It's mediocre food

And mediocre fun at best.

And you know why I know that, David?

Because I am an expert on what is mediocre.

( panting )

That's good.

You hate me now, don't you, David? Admit it.

You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?

No. No, I don't.

You're a paying customer and I respect and admire you.

Liar!

Break, damn you, break.

Listen to me, David.

Rabbits and geese and goats are not people.

They don't sing and dance.

They're food!

No!

( sobbing )

( sighs )

There, there.

Welcome home, son.