Original subtitles

Well, last day on the job, boys.

So tomorrow when we come in to have our free coffee and doughnuts,

It won't technically be legal.

Hey, Dan, I just wanted to thank you

For taking me with you and bob on this new drywall job that you got.

Well, Mark, we looked at a lot of applicants.

We found out you were the only one married to my daughter.

So I guess i'd better pack up all my personal stuff

And take it home.

( exhales ) there.

You'll miss this place, Dan?

I don't know, bob. I'll have my memories.

( chuckles ) like this--

I bet i've stapled 1000 office memos with this thing.

And how many times have you guys come in here

And caught me using this crazy tape dispenser?

( chuckles ) i've never seen you use that.

Pens, pencils, paperclips--

Memories, memories, memories.

Well, I guess that about does it.

I'm gonna call Rosie and tell her i'm on my way home.

- ( sighs ) - tell you one thing, Mark,

The city of Lanford is losing a great asset right there.

I'm sure they can get another stapler, bob.

Hey, honey.

Yeah, we're just about done here.

No, I just wanted my last call from the office to be to you.

I love you.

Okay, bye-bye.

I guess that about does it.

This is Dan conner...

Punching out.

I can't believe we forgot this.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

Hey, Rosie. Come here, I wanna show you something.

Okay okay, but this better be good,

Because they're showing that "full house"

Where they think one of those little twins is dying.

Looky here. It's our massive accumulation of bills.

- i'll get the lighter fluid. - no no no no.

See, i've sorted them by when they were received--

Clinton, bush,

Reagan.

See here where it says, "amount enclosed"?

I thought it might be fun to put a number in there.

- why? - because we can.

Look at this.

Not only did they give me last week's pay,

But I got my unused vacation time

And drew the money out of my pension fund.

If I had known all you had to do to clean up like this was quit your job,

I'd have done it long ago.

I've never even seen a check for that amount of money before.

What does that comma mean?

You know, if we pay everything off,

We'll finally be debt free.

So we gotta be smart here.

I say we pay half the bills and split the rest

Between an aggressive money market

And a conservative mutual fund.

( both laughing )

I was practicing that all the way home.

Yeah, but you know, I think you're right.

If we're going to invest it, we shouldn't put it all in one place.

I say we put half of it into the mattress

And the other half in tomato cans

Buried under the bush in the backyard.

Well, wherever we put it, it's gotta be safe and secure.

We really do have to make a mature decision about this.

Yeah. I wanna go to paris!

I hear that the french people are really rude and they hate americans,

So I will, like, totally fit right in there.

Roseanne.

Yeah, I know. That's stupid.

But what about England, or, you know, Italy,

Or china, or even canada?

But not canada, because we can already buy their bacon here.

I know!

I've got it. I've got it.

There's someplace we could go

To see all of these places at once.

International house of pancakes.

No, but i'll give you two hints.

Florida,

And the happiest place on earth.

We're going to gator world.

No, you idiot.

Disney world.

It's perfect, because they have that epcot center thing, okay?

So, like, say you're in Italy and you get really bored.

You just walk over to china, okay?

I know for real that in the real world

That would actually take days.

We can't blow my hard-earned cash on a vacation.

I hear they have something

Called a beer garden.

Hot dog!

It'll be so great. We'll take the whole family.

Oh...

Them.

No, think about it, Dan.

Becky's applying for college and darlene's gonna be graduating soon.

This is probably the last chance we will ever get for a family vacation.

Well, we could sleep on it I guess and--

Hey, everybody! Cancel next week!

We're going to disney world!

We can discuss it in the morning.

Maybe...

Can we just do this meeting without Becky?

In fact, while we're at it, can we do everything without Becky?

No, she's part of this family.

We're not having a family meeting without her.

Besides, I just called her. She'll be here any minute.

Did I hear right? We're going on vacation?

Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky,

Originally played by lecy goranson,

Then by sarah chalke, then by lecy goranson,

Will be played this evening by sarah chalke.

The taking of flash photographs

Or use of recording devices is strictly prohibited.

Disney world? I've always wanted to go there.

Aren't you glad that you're here this week?

Wait, isn't that the place

Where happy families go to have fun?

We're not letting that stop us.

Can Mark go?

Damn.

He is family.

Sure.

What about aunt Jackie?

Of course. She's family.

I'll be in the basement, I guess.

Oh, David, get a grip.

Of course you're family.

Oh, I love mickey mouse! I love mickey mouse!

I love mickey mouse!

You will stop that now!

Your job is to contact a travel agent

And make sure you get us a really good package deal.

Okay, we've got a lot of prep work

That needs to be done before we can make this happen.

For instance, we need to pack our clothes.

Darlene, go down to the luggage store.

Look in the dumpster in the back, bring us the boxes.

Becky, your job: get to the airport early,

Collect a lot of those carts

And turn the quarters over to me.

What about the baby?

Oh yeah, well somebody does need to take care of the baby.

Now that person will not be able to go on any of the rides

And will have to sit there every single day

Listening to the rest of us talk about how much fun we're having.

So that's gonna be pure torture.

We'll get mom.

- what's my job? - cancel the paper.

You mean cancel the neighbor's paper.

Well, that would be the paper, Dan.

Okay, while i'm at it, i'll also shut down

- the gas, the electricity, the water. - we're not moving.

Sorry, i've never done this before.

Okay, well, we're all set.

Mom.

Oh yeah.

Start practicing your limp,

Because we're gonna wanna park close to the terminal.

No, school. I don't think my teacher's gonna let me go.

We're supposed to make a model out of something from ancient greece

By next week.

I don't think I could live with myself if I just blew it off.

Well, you are not going to spoil our family vacation, okay?

You are a conner.

You are skipping school, blowing off that project.

Now you sit down here.

Turn on that television, watch it,

And think about what you just said.

Okay, Mrs. Conner, I found us a great fare to orlando,

But they only have six seats and we need eight.

So should we go ahead and order pet carriers

For d.J. And Mark?

Children children children,

Pay very close attention here.

I'm about to pass on an old family secret.

( clears throat )

Hello, yes, i'm going to need to cancel my reservations

For the 4:15 flight on Sunday to orlando.

My name is smith.

Oh, damn.

( clears throat )

Yes, hello, this is Mrs. Miller.

And i'm going to need to cancel my reservations

For the 4:15 flight on Sunday to orlando.

It's not?

Well, perhaps it's booked under my maiden name.

( mumbles )

Yes, that's right. Habib.

Yes, that is it.

Cool, thank you very much.

Oh no, I won't need to reschedule at all.

Praise allah.

Call them back. I think they got an opening now.

Yet another federal offense i've witnessed in this house.

Man, everything is totally coming together, and why?

Because I am the puppet master.

Roseanne, don't kill me.

Everyone wants something from me.

Big trouble. I've been going over the diner schedule.

There's no way we can get out of our shifts.

Leon can't work extra hours

And nancy's taking off to go to the erotic cartoon festival.

I tried calling former employees,

Temporary agencies-- there's nothing we can do.

Damn it. Wait a minute.

I'm surprised I didn't think of this earlier.

( blows )

( swooshes )

- there. - what'd you do?

I just made our problem into leon's problem.

So I hope he handles it better than we did.

So how is the reservations there, David?

We are all booked to orlando, Mrs. Conner.

- or should I say, "Mrs. Habib." - ( both squealing )

Well, grab your veils, gals.

We are going to disney world!

( all cheering )

Look, I told you.

The pilot said he's flying as fast as he can.

No, it's not about that.

It's just my family is spread out all over the place.

You think you could ask this nice lady

If she'd move?

No. And thank you for making us your airline.

Well, where are we going to go first?

Let me get the map.

Here, hold this.

Dan, could you take him to see mom for a minute?

Yeah, sure. Excuse me.

Whoa, he's gained weight since this morning.

Pardon me. Sorry.

Hey...

Did I miss a belt loop back there?

- hey hey, Dan. - yeah?

How come we're not all weightless?

We are.

I'm just wearing special shoes.

There's my little jerry.

Oh, what's wrong, honey?

- give me the juice, Roseanne. - ( jerry crying )

Yeah. David, heads up.

Man, disney world is huge.

Jackie, the blue part is the water

And the brown part is the land.

Why don't we make this home base?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Okay, everybody, listen up now.

If we get separated or you get lost from the herd,

We'll all meet up in fantasyland.

( chuckles ) wait wait.

What do you mean "if we get separated"?

I mean this is a family vacation, Darlene.

We have to all stick together.

You're kidding, right?

I mean, i'm not flying 1000 miles with you people

Just to sample waffles from around the world.

I don't believe her.

You will stick with the herd, young lady.

Come on, dad. We have to split up.

So what are you telling me?

That you all feel like this?

Hey, I have felt that way since I was four.

Can you believe my kids not wanting to be with me?

That is shocking.

I'll be with you, honey.

Damn it, Dan.

I took care of every single problem that would have ruined our family vacation

Except one-- our family.

I gotta go check on my baby.

Here, guard these pretzels as if they were potato chips.

So, mom, is he okay?

Yes, but I think he misses his mommy.

Excuse me, if you slide into that seat right there,

Then maybe I can get by.

- ( crunches ) - ( gasps )

Oh man, i'm sorry.

I hope that was a cheeto I stepped on.

Whatever it was,

It doesn't work anymore anyway.

Come on, jer.

Come and take a walk with mama.

There's mommy.

Aw.

I think it's so wonderful

That men like you have found a niche in the airline industry.

Your brothers and sisters are a bunch of ingrates.

Now I know how the queen mother feels.

Wow.

Hey, now this is living.

Look at the size of these seats.

I knew I wasn't dreaming. It's true.

Rich people are fat.

Oh, look at this. It's got a footrest

And the best magazines.

Man, this is like supercuts!

Hey, have you seen your mother?

No.

And hasn't this been a wonderful flight?

She went that way through those curtains.

Through those curtains? The first-class curtains?

No conner's ever been through those curtains before.

Yeah, well that's where she went.

Well...

I'd better go after her.

How do I look?

Oh, boy. Mom and dad up in first class.

Guess they won't be taking any pictures

For the brochures on this flight, huh?

What's going on? They're still up there.

Why hasn't that flight attendant kicked them out?

Well, it's probably a little hard to do when you're hog-tied.

They probably got arrested and handcuffed

The minute they went up there.

Mark, go check on them.

Okay. Whoa.

Yeah, good idea, Jackie.

Send a lifeless probe up to make sure it's safe.

God, I can't believe you guys are trying to get my husband in trouble.

Why wouldn't you believe it?

I was the one that put the plastic gun in his carry-on.

Hmm, still nothing.

( chuckles ) bye.

Maybe there's no front to this plane

And they're just--

They're just walking off the edge.

Well, in that case, i'd better get on the air phone

And warn the village below. Come on, David.

- no no, Darlene, no. - come on, David.

Isn't there a cover charge or something?

If they're all sitting up in first class,

I'm gonna sneak up there too.

I'm joining you!

No, mom!

Mom!

Mom!

( theme music playing )

Oh, stewart!

My towel's beginning to cool.

Ooh, oh, ow ow ow!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

No no, not for my hands.

I want that one on my feet.

Sir, sir.

You actually cut the crusts off of these?

Can I have them?

Mom, what is this?

Oh, well that's what fish looks like

Before they cut it up into sticks

And deep-fat fry it.

I wouldn't eat it if I was you.

Hey, bud.

Bud, you sure it's okay for us to stay up here?

Oh yes. The other passengers all took a vote...

And insisted that you stay up here.

Isn't that great, Dan?

We make friends wherever we go.

( belches ) I love it up here.

This is my 10th glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice.

My stomach kind of hurts.

You know, this is pretty great, mom.

Yeah, listen, we were thinking that maybe it would be kind of cool

If we spend a little time together as a family

Once we get there.

Yeah, you know, not the whole time.

You know what they say-- nothing in excess.

No, really. People really do say that.

Oh, you guys, that is so nice.

I am so excited.

We're going on a family vacation.

Man, it's totally awesome!

Ooh, everybody!

Channel 12 on your headsets-- nipsey russell!

( all laughing )

( theme music playing )