Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

Hi, can I borrow some sugar?

No, I only have 21 and a half bags left.

Well, we can't stay long anyway

'cause we're off to see the...

P-e-d-I-a...

"atrician."

Why are you going to the foot doctor?

We're gonna have a little talk about andy's verbal skills.

Oh, why? Is he still tankin' all his job interviews?

I'm just worried about the way he's saying his words.

Like, he won't say "triangle."

He says "tri-an-gle."

Or "hel-lo."

Pauly shore makes millions of dollars saying that.

So they're just gonna run some tests,

Check his palette, make sure his hearing's all right.

I'm gonna borrow your book on child development, okay?

Yeah, but it's really old.

You probably should ignore that chapter on the heartbreak of polio.

Hi, andy.

What you got here? This is cool.

Let me push this thing.

Toy: hel-lo.

Can you find the tri-an-gle?

Jackie!

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

A toast, my dear,

To my six-months'-scheduled

Cost-of-living- 50�-an-hour pay increase.

Ding.

The joke's on them 'cause your cost of living

Only went up 40� an hour.

You proud of me?

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

( knock on door )

- hey, Dan. - Chuck, bob.

What are youse guys up to?

Um, you know.

Nothin'.

Um, just, um... You know.

Well, now that we caught up,

I guess we'll see you later.

We kind of wanted to talk to Dan about something,

- Rosie. - yeah.

It's kind of a guy thing.

Oh, really?

Oh, no wonder i'm starting to feel all shy and giggly.

Uh, Dan? Have you heard about the minimum-security prison

They're building outside of town?

They're building a prison in Lanford?

No wonder the beauty parlor's been so crowded lately.

Um, well, they're-- they're spending millions on this thing.

And we were wondering if maybe

You'd be interested in getting the old crew together

And putting a bid in on the drywalling?

Look, I know you got it good at the garage,

But this'd be a chance to make a pretty good chunk of dough.

( sighs )

Look, guys, I appreciate you thinking of me,

But i'm pretty happy where I am.

And he's not kidding.

That couch under him has hardly even faded.

Are you sure, Dan?

I mean, it's gonna be a bundle.

- everyone in this town's gonna get rich. - really?

Great, that gives us an excuse to leave.

- look, guys, i'm sorry. - hey, man, it's all right. It's all right.

Yeah, maybe i'll apply to be a guard.

Picture me as a guard?

I can picture you as a hostage.

Well, if you change your mind, let us know, okay?

- come on, bob. - yeah, okay.

Boy, you know, I always wondered what that canadian beer tastes like.

- really? - yeah.

It's really good.

Thanks.

One less thing to wonder about.

( foreign accent ) now, my dear...

I believe we were celebrating.

What shall it be first, the sex or the violence?

If you're any good at the sex, I won't need to use the violence.

He's almost got our new computer all hooked up.

I'm gonna learn how to do the bookkeeping for the diner on that.

Somehow. ( laughs )

And you're gonna have fun on that too, honey.

You're not gonna need that old thing anymore,

'cause that magic box sings and talks

And plays music.

It's kind of like grandma after her second manhattan.

Okay, i've got you all set up here.

All right, just show me the instruction pamphlet and away I go.

Dear god, what have I done?

It's not that hard. You can do this.

Don't be frightened.

- oh. - come here, little man.

Now, are--

Aren't these supposed to give out some sort of a death ray?

Not unless you press "control-alt-death ray."

Take it back.

It's not that hard.

Here's that a-b-c software I was telling you about.

- ( beeps ) - and this one here will teach little andy how to count.

Is that big bird?

That's him.

Well that-- well, okay.

This can't be that bad, huh?

I also set you up at america online.

Just click click and you're on the internet.

( modem dialing )

( clicking, buzzing )

( giggling )

You can get news, you can talk to people, it's really cool.

Hey, can this thing play pong?

Okay, uh...

I gotta get going to work,

So have fun and if you have any problems, just give me a call.

A.O.L. Voice: welcome.

You've got mail.

Hello?

Dan: gee! D'oh!

Who put that there--?

( crashes ) oh!

Who put that there?

Why don't you just turn on the light?

I didn't want to wake you.

It's this whole prison drywall thing.

I can't get it out of my mind.

Am I crazy, Roseanne?

Should I go for it?

Yes.

You gave that no thought at all.

Now should I do it?

No.

Roseanne!

Do you think we could talk about this later, Dan?

Come on now, you're ruining our quality time together.

I'm serious, honey.

Well, you already told 'em no.

What happened to the i've-got-a-great-job- at-the-garage thing?

Is-- is it such a great job?

Well yeah, I mean it's the first steady money we've ever had coming in.

Except for that coupon scam we ran in the '70s.

( knock at door )

What?

Just a reminder.

My bedroom's right above yours.

Well yeah, sorry we woke you.

But now that you're up, go mow the lawn.

Now let's just look at the pros and cons.

Now it's true, the garage is steady.

And even if I got this prison job,

That doesn't mean there's another job around the corner.

So work slow.

But the garage is boring.

It fries my mind. I come home every night, i'm like a zombie.

Yeah, not like when you were doing the drywall

And you came home and you'd put on all those puppet shows.

You'd wear those straw hats and strum that ukulele.

- ( pounds ) - what?

Yes, we know. Your bedroom is beneath ours.

No, not that. I was getting something to drink

And the word ukulele caught my ear.

I love the ukulele. Do you have a ukulele?

Night.

Night.

Good night.

Now i'll lose all my city benefits if I quit.

But i'd be making twice as much money

Working for the prison.

But it's a gamble, and should we be gambling

With a new baby?

Yeah, Dan, you know...

When conners gamble, conners lose.

Of course,

There was that time at the state fair

Where you made that frog land on that lily pad.

No.

Plus we got the diner. We got two mortgages.

Yeah, and the diner needs new wallpaper

And appliances

And some of them golden arches.

Okay, well, it's settled. That's it.

I'm sticking where I am.

Hallelujah.

Hey, Dan?

Yeah?

Since you woke me up, I just want you to know

That i'm gonna have some trouble getting back to sleep.

So?

So that means you are too.

I knew that.

- Dan? - yeah.

Just checking.

My name is mommy and I will be your waitress tonight.

We have specials on the menu

Including tender sweet peas,

Turkey in its own broth,

And peaches.

I know these are good 'cause me and your dad

Make peach daiquiris out of them.

How long have I been a waitress?

Well, not very long.

And i'm just doing it

Till an acting job opens up.

And your dad fixes trucks for the city

And he's only doing that

Till another one breaks.

The best thing about your dad's job is that it's secure.

You know?

Because the last big risk we took

Was having you and that was a very big risk,

But that's just the kind of people we are.

Or were.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "well, since you took such a big risk with me...

And that turned out so good,

How come you're playing it safe now?"

Quit grilling me.

Because,

See,

Risks are for younger people,

Not us.

See, when you get to be me and your dad's age,

You want to know that you can do the same thing over and over again,

You know, till you die.

Okay, so let's just hypothetically say

That your dad does take this job at the prison, right?

And what about when that job's over?

Then what is he gonna do?

'course, the way this country's going now,

I think they're always gonna be building new prisons.

Yeah, 'cause, you know,

The way people hardly have to pay for what they do at all,

It kind of makes crime look like a really good thing to get into.

So a lot more people are gonna be doing it, you know?

And just by the sheer odds, a lot more of them are gonna get caught.

So I think they're gonna be building a lot of prisons, man.

I think those things are gonna start going up faster than starbucks.

Yeah, and then, like, the people in these prisons

You know, they're gonna need to eat.

So me and Jackie, maybe we get in on the ground floor

- with some catering kind of business, you know? - ( door closes )

And pretty soon convicts from all over the world

Will be coming to eat loose meat in Lanford, Illinois.

Dan?

That's it. You're quitting that boring job at the city,

And you're gonna apply for that construction bid.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What?

No, i've really been thinking about this

For, you know, the last couple of minutes,

And this is a big opportunity here

And I think we should take it.

Roseanne, is this your way of telling me that you drank all my beer?

No, I was just sitting here,

And I was talking to the baby and--

Okay, this sounds pretty grounded already.

No, Dan, he made me realize

That the thing that was always so great about us

Is that we always took a chance, you know?

And this is a chance.

Honey, you're going awful fast here. Slow down a minute.

You know you want to do this.

Let's take the risk.

Look at him, Dan.

He is just the greatest success

We have ever had.

Something's in the air.

I mean, look it, Darlene gets offered all these really great jobs

And becky's applying to colleges

And everything's changing, Dan. It's like

We're on some huge cosmic roll now.

I guess.

Maybe we should go for it. All right, let's go for it.

Yeah!

All right, here. Take over.

'cause this is my last day as a city employee's wife,

So, fedco, here I come.

Just brought over some more software for andy.

Hey, you're on the internet.

Looks like you really got the hang of that thing, huh?

I've just been playing around with it a little bit.

I brought over "treasure math storm."

It's a little old, but let me put it in.

No, David! David,

I'm just right in the middle of something here.

Sorry.

Jackie, aren't those the same clothes you had on yesterday?

I don't know, maybe. Clothes are clothes. What's your point?

Are you all right?

God, have you even left this thing since I last saw you?

David, i'm fine. I'm sorry, i'm just a little distracted.

So how's school?

I graduated last spring. You were there.

Good good, so you got finals coming up then?

Jackie, are you even listening to me?

I'm fine.

Oh my god, you haven't left this thing.

You're addicted to the internet.

- no, i'm not. - yes, you are.

I've seen this before. I lost two friends to this.

They were weak. They were weak, I am strong.

- where's andy? - he's fine.

He's in his room with his toys. I've got him on the monitor.

Okay, Jackie. I think it's time to turn off the computer--

No no, not now, David. I'm learning useful things.

I'm growing as a person.

You're in the "urkel" chat room.

What?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna unplug you, Jackie.

David, get away from that right now...

This is for your own good, Jackie.

Wait a second, dav-- oh god!

You can't treat me like this!

Plug me back in.

I'll quit tomorrow, I promise.

Don't take it from me now, man!

I need it. Just five more minutes.

I hate you!

Jackie, look at yourself.

( moans )

What time is it?

Okay, um, come on.

Let's go in the kitchen. I'll fix us both some tea, okay?

- okay. - come on.

( moans )

- she's here. - she's here.

- did you get it? - we don't know.

We were waiting till you got here to open the envelope.

You'd better have got it,

'cause I had to sleep with the architect and the warden.

Long wait's over, boys.

Rejection or selection, this is it.

Wow. I've never gotten anything in a big brown envelope

That I could open in front of other people.

I'm-- i'm sort of afraid to open it.

So? Who's gonna do it?

People say luck is a lady.

So you want me to go find you a lady?

Come on, Roseanne!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, all right.

- oh jeez. - what what what what?

I can't get that song, "afternoon delight" out of my head.

Roseanne!

You got it.

This will get me out of debt

And I can take that vacation to the bahamas.

Oh man, this is a big-screen tv, a new truck, a pair of cowboy boots.

I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Dan, we hit it so big, I can't believe it.

We're gonna be able to pay off the house and the cars.

And you know what we're gonna end up with, Dan?

A crappy house and two crappy cars.

Well, I guess my reputation in the construction industry

Is still top-notch.

I hate to blow my own horn.

Oh come on, honey, for me, please.

Woooo!

Thanks for standing behind me on this one, honey.

Yeah well, I was back there making faces anyway.

"please be available to get together, blah blah blah...

Complete list of employees, blah blah blah...

Please inform us of any ownership changes

As this decision is partially based

On your minority-owned status."

I don't get it.

( cackles )

I do.

Hold it. Hold it.

We got this job because you're black.

Well, I mean, god, does that mean

That we're not the best men for the job?

No, bob, we're the best.

And we know we're the best and we got the stuff to back it up.

We just got a break.

And damn, it's good to finally get one.

I've been working so many years, man,

And watching other guys somehow get all the breaks.

Well, now I got one and I earned it.

We all earned it.

Nice going, partner.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Well actually, I guess I could have.

I'm gonna call up my old lady.

Yeah. And i'm gonna call...

No, i'm gonna get one of them canadian beers.

Well, honey, guess what i'm getting you for valentine's day?

You know what they say, a gal can never have too many cans

Of 3-in-1 oil.

I'm gonna give you some of that prison money

- to fix up the diner. - thank you.

We're really gonna do good with this money too, Dan.

We're gonna really really do good

'cause I figured out how rich people stay rich.

- how's that? - lottery tickets.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )