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1
00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:03,068
( harmonica wails )
2
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:07,106
It's beautiful,
3
00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:09,575
More beautiful than
I ever could have imagined.
4
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,076
( sniffing )
5
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:12,478
( sighs )
6
00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:14,380
Nothing smells as sweet
as money you didn't earn.
7
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,415
( chuckles )
8
00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:19,852
Yeah, why couldn't
a relative die every day?
9
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:24,289
$382 for doing nothing.
10
00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:27,459
Now I know
how regis feels.
11
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:32,765
You know, money
really is kinda like
an aphrodisiac, isn't it?
12
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,601
Come here, big boy.
13
00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:37,436
Mmm-muah!
14
00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:40,305
It sure took
its time getting here.
15
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:41,807
Your aunt harriet
died three months ago.
16
00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:44,576
Yeah, well, when you
die on a cruise ship
17
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:47,346
They pack you in buffet ice
and just eat around you.
18
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,350
I got an idea.
Let's get it all
in singles,
19
00:00:51,351 --> 00:00:53,085
Throw it on the floor,
roll around in it.
20
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:55,888
Whatever sticks we get
to spend on snow cones.
21
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,690
I can't believe
you guys are actually
22
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:59,324
Celebrating someone's death.
23
00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:02,561
Hey, we're not
celebrating anybody's death.
24
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,463
We're celebrating
the fact that we got
25
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:07,700
$382 here.
26
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,735
Her death
was just a bonus.
27
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,708
Hey!
Hold on there, sparky.
28
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:18,077
Aunt harriet sent you
an envelope too.
29
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,746
It's probably
a bill for 382 bucks.
30
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,315
Wow, $500!
31
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,217
( laughing )
32
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:27,353
No, d.J., that's $5.
33
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:29,421
It couldn't be--
it's $500.
34
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:34,093
Why would she give d.J.
More money than you guys?
35
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,829
Well, actually,
it makes perfect sense.
36
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,598
D.J. Is the only
member of the family
that aunt harriet never met.
37
00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:44,636
( theme music playing )
38
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,445
( Roseanne laughing )
39
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,188
Mrs. Conner just called
40
00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,424
From the mall
where she's grieving.
41
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,560
I've convinced her
to limit her grief to $230.
42
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,231
That leaves us $150
for a fancy meal at mcarthur's,
43
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,300
7:00 reservations.
( pops )
44
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,969
Okay.
45
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,538
It's gonna be seven of us
46
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,206
So that comes out to...
47
00:02:55,308 --> 00:02:57,209
$21.42 per person.
48
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,278
Wait, wouldn't
we get more per person
49
00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:01,113
If somebody didn't go
like, uh, David?
50
00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:04,650
Mrs. Conner wants
everyone to go, Mark.
51
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,752
And if I was you I wouldn't
bring up the subject
52
00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,787
Of somebody not going.
53
00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:11,890
Look, everyone's going.
54
00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:15,194
There's plenty of money
for seven people to have
a great meal.
55
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:18,731
Surprise!
56
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,332
( door closes )
57
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,702
Look, it's Darlene.
58
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,537
- hey.
- hey.
59
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,640
( sniffs )
what's that you're wearing?
60
00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:30,275
( sniffs )
61
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:32,411
Oh, it's the couch.
62
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:38,951
Well, i'm sure you've
got big fancy plans
63
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:42,054
To go out somewhere
starting about, oh say 7:00.
64
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,356
So why don't you just
take off and i'll
put your bag away?
65
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:46,692
No, i'm all yours.
66
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:48,260
I didn't make any plans
67
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:50,696
And i'm wearing shoes
that pinch to keep me awake.
68
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:54,933
So, what's for dinner?
I'm starving.
69
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:57,736
I don't know, but it's
not gonna be as good
70
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,738
As what we were having
30 seconds ago.
71
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,809
Can you meet me
in the kitchen for a sec?
72
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:06,078
How much and when
do you need it?
73
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,682
Uh... $100 by Monday
night when I leave.
74
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,250
Man, Darlene!
75
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,752
Well, it's for heat
and books.
76
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:15,487
And that pesky
heroin habit.
77
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:18,924
Please.
78
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,060
Look, i'll work for it.
I'll do anything.
79
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:23,295
Okay. For starts
you have to be nice
80
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:25,330
To everyone in the family
the whole time you're here.
81
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,566
Whoa, hold on a minute.
When I said i'd do anything
82
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:29,601
There is a whole lot of stuff
not included in that.
83
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,604
Becky:
okay, dad.We got it.
84
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,842
All right. What do we
got to play with?
85
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,611
$18.75 per person.
86
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,180
Well, that sucks.
87
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,415
You were just dangling
that good dinner right
in front of me
88
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:45,384
Just like a carrot
in front of a monkey!
89
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:50,289
You know, I think
i'm the only person
90
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,991
That can get off
a crowded smelly bus
91
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:55,661
And remember that
as the highlight
of their visit home.
92
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,237
Okay, now remember,
it's $18.75 each.
93
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:08,007
And that has to include
your drinks and your dessert.
94
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:11,844
And for your information,
"market price" means move on.
95
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,347
You know, for such
a fancy restaurant,
96
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:17,783
They really don't
have much of a menu.
97
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:20,652
There's no jumbles,
nothing to color.
98
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,022
Boy, look at
all this stuff.
99
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:25,391
I don't even know
where to start.
100
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:28,127
Well, i'll simplify it
for you here.
101
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,462
Appetizers are
the crackers we ate
102
00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:32,064
In the car
on the way over here.
103
00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:36,035
And now pasta, you know,
that's just spaghetti.
104
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:39,838
And I wouldn't pay
$12.95 for spaghetti
105
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,375
If they had
Mr. Chef boyardee himself
in the kitchen there.
106
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,379
I think i'll--
i'll get the fish.
107
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,082
I see what you're
doing there, Mark.
108
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,351
Ordering up
the brain food, huh?
109
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,122
Nice choice.
Too bad it's too late.
110
00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:02,461
Well, I think
i'm gonna have
111
00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:05,497
The king cut of prime rib
and a caesar salad.
112
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:08,000
Can anyone tell dad
where he went wrong?
113
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,137
Do you, Dan conner,
take this woman?
114
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,476
Sorry, Mr. Conner.
You can have my share.
115
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:20,713
I can't eat knowing
we only got this money
because someone died.
116
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,319
All right, we're
back up $21.42 each!
117
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,288
( all cheering )
118
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,859
All right, David!
119
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:37,096
You know that
fasting sure can be
cleansing and spiritual.
120
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,698
Anybody else here wanna
join up with gandhi
121
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:41,667
So I can double up
on the desserts?
122
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:45,571
Hello.
123
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,473
My name is stan.
124
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,310
I'll be your waiter
this eveni--
125
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,982
Oh my god,
it's you!
126
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,853
Hey!
It's Mr. Parkin.
127
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,756
You guys know our waiter?
128
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,492
Yeah, we got him fired
from the buy-and-bag.
129
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,429
- how are you?
- oh, this is the guy?
130
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,065
Yes, this is the guy.
131
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,401
It's good to see you
landed on your feet.
132
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,503
Yes, thanks to you
133
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,838
I'm on my feet
about 12 hours a day.
134
00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:23,942
By the way, would you
care to order some food
135
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,245
So you have something
to throw at each other?
136
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:30,883
I think we're gonna
need a little time.
137
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,451
Yeah, things
are a lot different
138
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,453
Now that we know we won't
have to be leaving a tip.
139
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,194
I really dislike you.
140
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,965
By the way, may I
recommend the shellfish?
141
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,369
I understand
it's tainted.
142
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:55,974
Hey, bring us out one of
those wine lists, will you?
143
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,043
We need something
to roll a joint on.
144
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:06,518
This is officially
the most embarrassing
night of my life.
145
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,555
So if anybody wants
to yodel, go ahead.
146
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,558
Come on, Darlene.
This is great.
147
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,126
You know,
when my aunt died
148
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,627
All I got was
a 22-acre farm.
149
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:23,702
I can't believe this.
You guys act like you've
never seen money before.
150
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:25,938
Of course we've seen it,
but the bank keeps complaining
151
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,773
About our nose prints
on the glass.
152
00:08:30,710 --> 00:08:34,380
I'm serious.
I mean, it's embarrassing
153
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:37,082
That you can't spend
money like adults.
154
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,651
Big talk for a girl who's
hitting us up for 100 bucks.
155
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:42,388
Yeah, we all
got jobs, at least.
156
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,224
You're the only one here
who has absolutely no money.
157
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,259
( all laughing )
158
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,001
It's not like you're
giving me the money.
I'm borrowing it.
159
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,170
And i'm gonna
pay you back that $100,
160
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,172
Plus every other loan
you guys have ever given me.
161
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,740
( laughs )
162
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,443
Oh, Darlene, just making
me laugh like that
163
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:07,780
Is repayment enough.
164
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:11,083
Hey, i'm gonna
be able to pay you back.
165
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,652
I mean, if I took the job
I was offered last week
166
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:15,220
I could pay you back
in a couple months.
167
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,923
We'll, i'm glad
that you didn't take it.
168
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:20,159
We didn't send you to college
so you could drop out
169
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,561
And take some crummy job
for 200 bucks a week.
170
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,297
Jobs like that
are for people like David
who have no future.
171
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:31,704
Look, the job was
not for $200, okay?
172
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,939
It was as an advertising
copywriter
173
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,708
And it started
at $500 a week.
174
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,981
( laughing )
oh, come on, you guys.
175
00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:45,117
She's kidding!
176
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:48,854
I can't believe the way
she's got you guys going.
177
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:51,323
$500 a week!
178
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:55,094
Well, I didn't take it,
so it doesn't matter.
179
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:59,031
( laughing )
180
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,799
Come on, you guys!
181
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,701
Okay, oh-- okay.
182
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:05,537
Darlene turned down
a $30,000 a year job.
183
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:08,841
So, Mark, how's
the senate treating you?
184
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,781
That's a lot
of money, Darlene.
185
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,349
Yeah, well, so what?
186
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,918
I mean, I want
to finish school, all right?
187
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:23,422
Darlene, you go to college
so you can get a job like that.
188
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,257
Yeah, but I can get
a job like that
189
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,925
After I finish college.
190
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,494
Or a better one.
191
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:30,095
God, i'm sorry
I brought this up.
192
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:32,765
It's just that we
can't believe
193
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,967
That you would turn
something like that down.
194
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,136
How much money
do you make, dad?
195
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,408
Well, that's kinda
hard to say, what with,
196
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:45,377
You know, overtime,
retirement...
197
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,446
Benefits...
Weekly salaries--
198
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,916
Hey, everybody, come on!
We're gonna order, aren't we?
199
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,185
Yeah, what the hell's
taking us so long?
Come on.
200
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,756
Always a pain
in the butt going out
anywhere with you people.
201
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,727
You know, you guys,
I didn't mean
to like make this--
202
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,896
Darlene, please, we're
trying to get the waiter.
203
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:06,598
- everybody know
what they want?
- yeah, think I do.
204
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,837
Darlene and I are
gonna laugh so hard
about this someday.
205
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,312
Man on tv:
release the princess...
206
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,880
( chuckles )
207
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,849
What is this crap?
208
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:28,887
This is hercules
versus, uh...
209
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,190
Tribe with
well-oiled pectorals.
210
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,128
Well, why are we
watching this?
211
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,963
Because it's good.
212
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,032
Duh.
213
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,667
Yeah, shut up, Darlene.
214
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:45,404
Are you guys
sucking the soul
from my body for sport
215
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,906
Or are you gaining
some sort of nourishment?
216
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,343
Shut up, Darlene!
217
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:55,047
Okay, who wants to teach
Becky a new phrase?
218
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,782
She knows
"shut up, Darlene."
219
00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:59,084
And "do you have this
in a larger size?"
220
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,858
Hey! We're watching
tv here, all right?
221
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,730
D.J., what is that?
222
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,298
It's a trombone.
223
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,834
I bought it with my
inheritance money.
224
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:19,838
You spent all $500
on that trombone?
225
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:22,741
Your mother and I
told you to put half
of it in a college fund.
226
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,644
I did!
This only cost $250.
227
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:27,913
I'm not stupid.
I don't know how
to play the trombone.
228
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:31,650
Whoa whoa whoa
whoa, young man.
229
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,721
Why did you
buy a trombone?
230
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,824
I bought it 'cause
there's this girl I like.
231
00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:41,994
- i'm not getting it.
- neither do a lot
of trombone players
232
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,264
Darlene.
233
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,965
All right, I like
this girl who plays
234
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,600
First tuba
in the school band.
235
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,103
And last trombone
sits next to the first tuba.
236
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,671
Just like it
says in the bible.
237
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,575
So here's how it works.
238
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,644
I walk on in there,
239
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:01,747
I sit down
next to the chick.
240
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:04,416
I pull out the trombone--
she likes the trombone.
241
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,120
I say "hi, I see
you play the tuba.
242
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,022
You're very beautiful."
243
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,757
Boom! She's mine.
244
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,328
- god, d.J.
- ladies are my toys.
245
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,297
Wind 'em up,
watch 'em go.
246
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,071
Attaboy!
247
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,775
Nice parenting, dad,
248
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:33,345
Giving your son
permission to manipulate
some poor little girl.
249
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:36,782
I can't believe he spent
half his inheritance
on a trombone.
250
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:40,185
Why? Sounds like a typical
conner family purchase to me.
251
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,790
Hey, dad, still got
the electric rake?
252
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:47,826
Hey, i've had just about
enough of you, Darlene!
253
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,429
Knock it off, all right?
254
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,031
What's wrong with you?
255
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:54,166
What's wrong with me?
I'll tell you wrong with me.
256
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,403
I'm sick and tired
of your sarcastic comments
about my house and my family.
257
00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:01,306
Dad, i've been saying
this kind of stuff
since I could talk.
258
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:03,642
Before that,
I just pointed and laughed.
259
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:07,146
Well, gee, Darlene,
somehow it just isn't
funny anymore.
260
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,814
So why don't you
make some wry comment
261
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:12,217
About how we've all
lost our sense of humor
and be on your way?
262
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,334
( door closes )
263
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,603
( trombone bellowing )
264
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,447
What you watching?
265
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:45,050
Tv.
266
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,319
( chuckles )
black and white or color?
267
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,058
Okay.
268
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,697
What's wrong
with this family?
269
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,666
Your father and I
are really brothers.
270
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,306
No, i'm serious.
I mean...
271
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,341
A minute ago
he was jumping
down my throat,
272
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,477
And now he won't
even hardly talk to me.
273
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:14,146
You know, if he wants me
to stop making fun of him
274
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,148
Then he should stop
walking around this dump
275
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,816
With shaving cream
in his ears.
276
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,618
You're right, Darlene.
277
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:23,088
So sorry your father
and this house aren't
up to your standards.
278
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,923
I wish we could've
done better for you.
279
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:29,461
- i'm just saying--
- no, I know what
you're saying.
280
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,130
Everybody knows
what you're saying.
281
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,165
And you've been saying it
since you got here.
282
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:38,137
Oh. What, so now you're
gonna give me this crap too?
283
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:41,106
You know, I thought
I could come in here and talk
to you like a human being.
284
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,442
- you think
that's possible?
- arrf!
285
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:50,015
You know what?
Maybe I should just go
back to school.
286
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,517
Yeah, maybe you should.
287
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:54,787
Yeah, and maybe I shouldn't
come back until spring.
288
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:57,222
Great, more $100
bills for me.
289
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,794
Good. I think her
spending a little less
time around this house
290
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,362
Wouldn't be the worst
thing in the world.
291
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:07,232
Kid's got to learn to have
some respect, Roseanne.
292
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:11,670
Taking her down a notch
was the right thing to do.
293
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,206
Yeah. Well, just stand
there and keep yapping, Dan.
294
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,941
Let me know if you
ever hit on anything.
295
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:20,946
- Roseanne: Darlene...
- oh, great.
More yelling.
296
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:23,148
No.
There isn't gonna be
any more yelling.
297
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,883
First of all,
298
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:27,252
I'm really glad that
you're going to school
299
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:28,987
And, you know,
getting an education
300
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,990
Like I never got
because I got all lost
in that love-and-peace crap
301
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,692
Of the '60s.
302
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,260
And then 10 years later,
I realized
303
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,096
Should have listened
to all those women who said:
304
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:40,232
Learn how to support yourself
or you're gonna be screwed.
305
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,602
Well, mom, that is exactly
what i'm trying to do.
306
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,839
I know. So maybe
i'm a little jealous of you
307
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,807
Because of all the stuff
that I had to do
308
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,809
In order for you
to get there.
309
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:52,878
Like working really hard
in beauty salons,
310
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,446
Restaurants and factories
311
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,348
Is pretty
mind-numbing, you know?
312
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,384
Especially if you have
to stay hammered the whole time.
313
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,988
Tell me about it.
It's how I got through puberty.
314
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:05,657
But, the good part is...
315
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,660
That I was able
to give my kids
better than I had.
316
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:12,131
And you're gonna be
able to do amazing
things for your kids.
317
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:15,868
Every parent tries
to improve things
at least 50% for their kids.
318
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:19,038
And if they can do that,
then they're a total success.
319
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,841
( chuckles )
50% is kind of
320
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,543
A conservative estimate.
321
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:28,047
Just by walking erect
I improved it 30.
322
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,456
But you know...
323
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:40,159
This college thing
is really hard for me too.
324
00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:44,830
I mean, i'm surrounded
by all these rich kids
325
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,498
That don't have to
bust their ass
326
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,168
Because if they fail
their daddy's there
to bail 'em out.
327
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:52,071
Yeah, well, your daddy
can't bail you out.
328
00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:53,906
My daddy couldn't
bail me out, you know?
329
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:56,809
But stuff like that,
it just ends up making
us stronger, Darlene.
330
00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:59,244
I can't believe
you turned down
a great job like that!
331
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:04,383
Well, I told you,
I just want to finish
school, all right?
332
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:06,285
And besides,
it's in advertising.
333
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,253
I don't think I want
to devote the rest of my life
334
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,856
To coming up with the next
"i'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs."
335
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,259
( sighs )
okay, hold it.
336
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,895
I respect you for being
all anti-corporate
337
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,797
And burning the flag
and bla bla bla bla bla,
338
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,000
Because, you know, that's
the way I was in the '60s.
339
00:18:21,001 --> 00:18:23,836
So i'm kind of glad
that some of my ideals
made it to my daughter.
340
00:18:23,837 --> 00:18:26,872
But number two,
this is the '90s
341
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,341
And you can't pay your rent
with that kind of thinking.
342
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:32,444
And number three,
you are so out of your mind
343
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,313
If you think you're
ever gonna top anything
344
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,749
Like "i'm cuckoo
for cocoa puffs."
345
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:38,817
Okay.
346
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:41,186
But you're
all over the map here.
347
00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:43,756
Do you respect my ideals
for turning down the job
348
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:45,791
Or do you think i'm stupid
for turning down the job?
349
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,427
Well, I really don't know
what I think, Darlene.
350
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:51,330
I mean, this is
new territory for us.
351
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:54,299
No conner's ever
turned down a job... Ever.
352
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,868
It's kinda like
the same reason
353
00:18:55,869 --> 00:18:58,137
Drowning people don't
flip off the lifeguard.
354
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,907
I'm still a conner.
355
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:05,344
Yeah, but, man!
$30,000!
356
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,580
I mean, the mayor
of Lanford himself
357
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,883
Doesn't even make that much
and he works two jobs.
358
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,620
It's like, if you can
make that kind of money
359
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,121
Then, you know...
360
00:19:17,691 --> 00:19:20,759
You could be,
like, one of them.
361
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,628
Who's them?
362
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,731
Them! The ones
that ain't us.
363
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,733
So now when you come home
making fun of our family
364
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,968
And our house and everything,
it just sounds...
365
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,704
Pretty weird
to me and your dad.
366
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,372
You know, it's like
you're one of them
367
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,940
And you're
putting us down.
368
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,946
Oh. Got it.
369
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,285
So... What type of helper
will we be dining on tonight?
370
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,356
Well, we happen to be
out of helper tonight.
371
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,424
So i'll be
using rice krispies
372
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,927
And preparing the meat-
and-meat-byproduct dinner.
373
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:02,234
So, I had a little talk
with her and she's staying.
374
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,103
- you straighten her out?
- yeah.
375
00:20:04,104 --> 00:20:07,306
Yeah, but you know, she's
not the only one that needs
to be straightened out.
376
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,375
- we've all got to
adjust to this.
- oh, i've got to adjust?
377
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:12,444
Yeah, you do, actually.
378
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,947
Hey, don't you
think it's cool
that one of our kids
379
00:20:14,948 --> 00:20:16,515
Might actually make it?
380
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,183
Yeah, wow.
381
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,353
I mean, she still
needs us, Dan.
382
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:24,823
Or, at least she still
needs that 100 bucks.
383
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:26,959
So why don't you go up there
and give it to her?
384
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,927
And that's supposed
to make me feel like
385
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,496
The big provider?
386
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,731
Little daughter
needs her big daddy?
387
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,200
- be right back.
- hey!
388
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:37,703
Hey. We did
a really good job
389
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,271
With this one,
didn't we?
390
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:41,440
Yeah, we did.
391
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,076
Man, it just looks like
the conner luck
392
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,611
Is starting to change.
393
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,019
Don't ask.
394
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,489
( theme music playing )
395
00:21:03,163 --> 00:21:04,763
There's the little creep.
396
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:07,800
Look, he's polishing
his trap.
397
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:11,537
Now, Becky, we agreed
398
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,539
I'd talk to him.
399
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,847
What's going on?
400
00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:24,583
D.J., it's come
to our attention
401
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:26,618
That you seem to think
402
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:29,321
That certain
material possessions
403
00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:31,824
May help you succeed
in affairs of the heart.
404
00:21:31,825 --> 00:21:34,159
That, dear d.J.,
is folly.
405
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,428
I don't understand.
406
00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:39,164
She means you
don't buy a trombone
407
00:21:39,165 --> 00:21:42,001
So you can hit on some poor
unsuspecting tuba girl!
408
00:21:44,104 --> 00:21:46,839
Oh, that.
What's wrong with it?
409
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,741
Look, you little jerk,
410
00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:51,310
If you have no more respect
for women than that
411
00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:52,945
I'm gonna tie you
to the car--
412
00:21:52,946 --> 00:21:55,581
Okay, Becky, Becky!
Becky! Becky!
413
00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,552
Now, d.J., listen to me!
414
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:02,121
Listen.
415
00:22:02,122 --> 00:22:03,756
First of all,
416
00:22:03,757 --> 00:22:05,791
That-- that's just
not a right thing to do.
417
00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:07,526
And second of all,
it's just not going to work.
418
00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:09,161
Now, d.J., you-- you have--
419
00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:11,130
You have put your
little heart on a shelf.
420
00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:14,767
And it's going
to fall off.
421
00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:16,268
It's going to break.
422
00:22:17,370 --> 00:22:19,571
D.J., are we gonna
practice, or what?
423
00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:22,808
I'll be in
in a minute, betsy.
424
00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:31,850
If the music stops,
don't come in.
43016
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