Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

That was the most horrible disgusting meal

I've ever had in my life.

You should have been here on sushi night.

Oh, great, he pays me with a check

And then stiffs me on a tip.

It's not enough that I have to work here all morning.

Now I have to follow him home and drive all over his lawn.

We'd fire her, but she's got the best attitude on the staff.

Listen, I don't blame her.

I put myself through college waiting tables.

I know how it can grind you down.

Yeah, but at the end of the day that $6 in loose change

Just makes it all worthwhile.

Mind if I have a look at that guy's check?

You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior.

You know, when I was waiting tables in college,

I could tell you stories that'd curl--

Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is scott.

I'm the desk clerk at the come and go motel over in elgin,

When you and your husband were in here last time,

Unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind.

You weren't?

Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blonde?

Whoops! My mistake.

Wow, he stiffs me for a tip

And you destroy his marriage.

That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks. Let's do more.

( chuckles )

I thought you'd enjoy that.

You look like you've ruined a few lives in your day.

I think I should tell you that i'm a married woman.

However, i'm not a fanatic about it.

Well, i'm taken myself... Almost.

The wedding is Saturday.

Speaking of which, I have to order a tux

And buy some flowers.

What's the quickest way to get over to frank's florist from here?

I wouldn't go to frank's if I were you.

- you know that guy that was here? - yeah.

That was frank.

Oh, okay, so where do I go

To get a good price on flowers?

Well, the dumpster behind spiegelman's funeral home.

And I don't think you'd find anything good to wear

At that tuxedo shop on main st., either.

Unless you're one of the commodores.

Man, you are good.

So are you nervous?

Well, yeah, I guess. Sort of.

We were supposed to get married five years ago,

But I got left at the altar.

I just don't want to have it happen again.

What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?

- scott. - hi, honey.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )

Why didn't you tell me that you were getting married?

Because you are you.

Yeah, but you didn't tell anybody.

Because, Roseanne, it would have gotten back to you,

And again, you are you.

- so this is Roseanne. - mm-hmm.

Prove it. Do that thing where you spew bile

And scare young children.

Oh, I only do that at the christmas party.

So what in the hell is wrong with you

To leave a terrific guy like this at the altar?

You know, Roseanne, I don't think this really concerns you.

Why don't you just waddle away, huh?

And oh, look, crumbs.

You know, you could do so much better.

I mean it.

Even in a small town like this one,

He is at the very bottom

Of the homosexual heap.

Well, that sounds like fun.

So, scott,

Did everything work out all right up in Minneapolis?

It went fine. My family minister's perfectly willing to marry us,

But we do have to fly to minnesota

For a few days of premarital counseling.

- I can't fly to Minneapolis. - what?

I have to meet with the wedding planner.

There are still tons of stuff to do.

Wait a minute. Maybe Roseanne can work with him.

She seems to know everything there is to know about planning a wedding.

No no no no no!

Roseanne is not to be trusted with anything that involves cake.

Come on, Leon. I'll do it for free.

And I have not said those words since my own wedding night.

Did you hear that? Roseanne will plan it for free.

Of course, we'll have Roseanne plan our wedding.

You know, i've always dreamed of a ceremony

That would culminate in a hog fry.

Hog fry?

What, is the governor coming?

But just think, with the money we save

On the wedding planner, we could afford that honeymoon trip

In the bahamas we've always wanted.

Well, scott, I was thinking we'd be going to greece, myself.

You can grease yourself in the bahamas.

- just think, this time next week... - you're right.

We could be snorkeling in the nude.

Snorkeling, huh?

Well, I guess you learn a new word for it every day.

Oh, Roseanne! She's terrible.

Come on, after what you did to me last time, you owe me.

All right, I will do it. For you, scott.

I will itemize exactly everything we need

- and where to get it. - don't you worry about it, Leon.

I'm gonna do a great job for you guys, because you know what?

I've always thought of you as the middle-aged obnoxious gay son

- that i've never had. - ahh!

So have you ever been fitted for chaps?

David, roseanne's at the reception hall.

She wants to know how the seating chart's going.

Hey, Mrs. Conner. Yeah, it looks like each table's

Gonna be boy, girl, boy, boy,

Boy, boy, boy, boy

And boy.

Okay, and i'm checking on the male strippers.

I can't stop looking at these guys.

They're so clean and shiny.

So who's it gonna be? Rod, lance or shaft?

Dan, you got a second?

I need you to check on a stripper for me.

Those aren't strippers. Those are guys.

- what are you guys looking at? - radial tires.

Oh, wow,

Cool!

Cool?

Why would you look at those pictures and say cool?

'cause this one's my math teacher.

Cool.

What's with the strippers anyway?

Is she throwing Leon a bachelor party too?

No, they're for the reception.

She's gonna put them in cages on either side of the cake.

I thought Leon wanted something modest and tasteful.

That's why they're in cages.

She's gone way overboard.

Somebody's gonna have to sit her down and set her straight.

I didn't mean me.

Okay.

Where in the hell have you been? The wedding is in an hour.

The flight was delayed. I'm sorry. I got here as soon as...

- whoa. - what's the matter?

No, nothing. It's just that the sight of you

In tasteful surroundings, Roseanne--

Kind of startling.

This is nothing. They wouldn't even let me decorate out here.

Wait till you see

The main hall.

� hey, we're never gonna �

� go away �

� can't you see we're really here to stay? �

� hey, we're never gonna �

� go away again. �

I do not believe this.

( gasps )

Or this, or this.

What is-- this is-- this is--

What-- what is this?

Oh, well, they didn't have anything

With two grooms, see? So we broke off the bride

And then we replaced it with one

Of the action heroes from "pocahontas."

- Roseanne, what is all this? - it's a gay wedding.

This isn't a wedding,

It's a circus.

You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype

And just roll them up into one gigantic,

Offensive, roseanniacal

Ball of wrong!

Relax,

Nobody gets the wedding they really want.

Now look, I need a picture of you for the newspaper

And not that retouched one where you look like joan van ark.

It's off.

What do you mean?

I said the wedding is off!

Well, of course it's a little off.

It's two guys for god's sake.

Oh, did anybody here lose their hearing aid?

Here, this is yours.

Seems like everything's going well.

- where's Leon? - locked in the bathroom.

He locked himself in the bathroom? What, is he, like, crying?

He might be by now. I locked him in there.

- what? - he was gonna leave.

Apparently, he thinks that I went too far

With this wedding. Isn't that ridiculous?

Oh, hi, Roseanne.

- here's the happy groom. - please, not too loud.

My buddies took me out and got me drunk last night.

Oh, I remember when I needed buddies to get drunk.

Roseanne, I want you to say hello

To two very special people.

This is leon's mother.

This is reverend crosley.

And my name is scott, and I may be an alcoholic,

And i'm going to greet people since my hand is shaking anyway.

Oh, Roseanne.

Leon's told me a great deal about you,

But the polaroids

Didn't quite prepare me.

How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off

Of you in time for the wedding.

And you must be the reverend.

I hear you're just terrific.

Well, thank you.

People do find my ceremony to be quite inimical,

Though it's taken me years

Of premeditated consecration

To bring it to its ultimate contraception.

Look at this place.

Have you ever seen such a horrific display

Of blue-collar tastelessness?

You got a big busted vein right in your nose.

Reverend, would you care to see me to my seat?

It would be an extinct pleasure, ma'am.

Hey, now that the other groom's here,

Don't you think you ought to let Leon out of the bathroom?

Well, actually, Dan, I was hoping you would do it, see?

Because as soon as you open that door,

He's gonna bolt. So you are gonna have to tackle him

And then drag him down the aisle here

And try to make it look like you're giving him away.

Honey, I think you ought to tone the wedding down like he wanted.

No, this is my wedding,

And he is lucky I cast him in it.

Roseanne, I know you wanted this wedding to be a certain way,

But if you don't do something, there isn't gonna be a wedding.

It's gonna be all your fault and you know who's gonna suffer?

- me. - fine.

Nancy, come here. Now you guys have to stall the guests

And keep them entertained so I can go to the bathroom and talk to Leon.

Now if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody

That yoko ono is warming up.

These people need to be entertained.

I need to entertain.

It's a good thing i'm a giver.

Hello, wedding people,

And welcome. First, let me compliment you

On your impeccable grooming.

You know, I had a little dilemma myself

Trying to figure out what to buy

For two queens getting married.

Hey, you,

With the pink limo:

I'll give you $50 to back that thing through this wall.

- oh. - all right, you win.

I will totally change the wedding, okay?

You can have your nice quiet, boring ceremony

And I don't care. While people are yawning,

I'll just throw peanuts in their mouths.

I am not getting married, Roseanne.

Did you hear me? Wake up.

I said no lizas, no judys,

No antonio banderas matchbooks.

This is not about the decorations.

I mean, as hideous as they may be,

That's not the reason that i've been...

Throwing up every morning for the past week.

Oh my god. You're pregnant.

It's not funny, Roseanne.

I'm just not ready to get married.

Oh, come on, you're just getting cold feet.

Is that what happened to you before?

No no no, last time was different.

I was young and I was immature.

You were 47.

Whatever. I don't know. Well, if you'll excuse me...

No way. You're not gonna do this to scott again.

You're right.

What was I thinking?

I mean, scott deserves better treatment than--

First time I stop you. Second time I kill you.

What is the matter with you, Leon?

I mean, jeez, next to your hair plugs,

Scott is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Well, right, but unlike hair plugs,

Marriage is permanent.

No it isn't. I wake up every single morning

Knowing I could leave Dan if I wanted to.

I'm just too damn lazy.

Well, then w-w-what if he doesn't like my cooking?

- then eat out. - well, what if I can't stand his mother, huh?

- then stay in. - okay.

Scott says he is not himself in the morning until he has a pop-tart.

Well, what if they stop making pop-tarts, huh? What will I do then?

- listen to me. - I will be living with a person...

- they will never stop making pop-tarts! - ...Who isn't himself.

Okay, then how about this?

Hmm, ready?

What if I am not even really gay?

You couldn't be any gayer if your name was gay gayerson.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just think about it, young lady, hmm?

I hate to shop.

I am absolutely insensitive.

I detest barbra streisand. And for god's sake, i'm a republican.

But do you like having sex with men?

- well-- - gay!

Oh, yeah?

I'm gay. Let's do it.

( organ playing )

Are you okay?

I guess so.

I mean, if he's happy then i'm happy.

It's just that years ago

When I pictured my son's wedding...

I certainly didn't have this in mind.

Yeah, this probably is weird for you being the mom.

But, you know, i'm sure when you pictured his wedding,

You also pictured him marrying somebody

That really loved him. And that is what's happening here.

You know, love is love.

I suppose.

And besides, you're getting a nice addition to your family.

That's my son-in-law over there.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Oh, oh, i'm so sorry.

Nearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to join this couple,

He and he...

In the bonds of holy alimony.

Now I had some very apportionate remarks

Here somewhere.

I love you, you know?

I know.

And you love me, right?

I love you in a way that is mystical

And eternal

And illegal in 20 states.

That's the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.

So you really want to do this?

Yeah.

In sickness and in health?

Till death do us both part.

Sure you can handle it?

No.

It's gonna be great, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Boy, that all sounded good to me.

Let's move right on.

Do you, Leon, take this scott

To be your awfully rabid husband?

To escalate, to cherish,

To fax?

I do.

( sighs )

And do you, scott,

Erratically agree to all the same stuff?

I do.

Then by the power encrusted in me,

I now pronounce you man and...

I now pronounce you men.

Amen!

You may kiss the bride if there so be one.

It doesn't matter.

And there's the kiss.

I was wondering if they were gonna do it, and they're doing it.

Yeah, look at 'em go at it.

They are not going at it, Dan.

It just happens to be two people of the same sex kissing,

And there's nothing wrong with that.

- hi. - hi.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughing )