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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,303
( harmonica wails )
2
00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:08,507
That was the most
horrible disgusting meal
3
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:10,843
I've ever had
in my life.
4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,945
You should have been here
on sushi night.
5
00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:19,551
Oh, great, he pays me
with a check
6
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:21,920
And then stiffs me
on a tip.
7
00:00:21,921 --> 00:00:24,656
It's not enough
that I have to work
here all morning.
8
00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:28,260
Now I have to follow
him home and drive
all over his lawn.
9
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:35,267
We'd fire her,
but she's got the best
attitude on the staff.
10
00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:37,102
Listen, I don't blame her.
11
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,071
I put myself through
college waiting tables.
12
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:40,706
I know how it can
grind you down.
13
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:44,476
Yeah, but at the end
of the day that $6
in loose change
14
00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:47,813
Just makes
it all worthwhile.
15
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:51,750
Mind if I have a look
at that guy's check?
16
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:55,421
You really shouldn't
have to put up with
that kind of behavior.
17
00:00:55,422 --> 00:00:58,190
You know, when I was
waiting tables
in college,
18
00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:00,626
I could tell you
stories that'd curl--
19
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:04,029
Hello, Mrs. Sloan?
Hi, this is scott.
20
00:01:04,030 --> 00:01:06,832
I'm the desk clerk
at the come and go motel
over in elgin,
21
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,637
When you and your husband
were in here last time,
22
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:14,840
Unfortunately you left
some of your private
garments behind.
23
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:17,676
You weren't?
24
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:20,979
Well, aren't you a busty
20-year-old blonde?
25
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:22,781
Whoops!
My mistake.
26
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,990
Wow, he stiffs me
for a tip
27
00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:34,560
And you destroy
his marriage.
28
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:37,963
That's awesome.
Hey, I got more checks.
Let's do more.
29
00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:40,065
( chuckles )
30
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:41,800
I thought
you'd enjoy that.
31
00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,203
You look like you've ruined
a few lives in your day.
32
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:47,740
I think I should
tell you that i'm
a married woman.
33
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,676
However, i'm not
a fanatic about it.
34
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,180
Well, i'm taken
myself... Almost.
35
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,448
The wedding is Saturday.
36
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,784
Speaking of which,
I have to order a tux
37
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,819
And buy some flowers.
38
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:04,123
What's the quickest way
to get over to frank's
florist from here?
39
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,159
I wouldn't go
to frank's if I were you.
40
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,194
- you know that guy
that was here?
- yeah.
41
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:11,864
That was frank.
42
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,866
Oh, okay,
so where do I go
43
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,601
To get a good price
on flowers?
44
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:19,104
Well, the dumpster
behind spiegelman's
funeral home.
45
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:23,175
And I don't think
you'd find anything
good to wear
46
00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:25,778
At that tuxedo shop
on main st., either.
47
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:28,347
Unless you're one
of the commodores.
48
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:31,650
Man, you are good.
49
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,352
So are you nervous?
50
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:36,422
Well, yeah, I guess.
Sort of.
51
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:39,291
We were supposed
to get married five
years ago,
52
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:41,293
But I got left
at the altar.
53
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,495
I just don't want to
have it happen again.
54
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:46,865
What kind of a horrible
bitch would dump you?
55
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,171
- scott.
- hi, honey.
56
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,941
( theme music playing )
57
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,786
( Roseanne laughing )
58
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:48,927
Why didn't you tell me that
you were getting married?
59
00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:51,497
Because you are you.
60
00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:54,099
Yeah, but you
didn't tell anybody.
61
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:57,202
Because, Roseanne,
it would have gotten
back to you,
62
00:03:57,203 --> 00:04:00,439
And again,
you are you.
63
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,509
- so this is Roseanne.
- mm-hmm.
64
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:06,078
Prove it. Do that thing
where you spew bile
65
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,947
And scare young children.
66
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:14,253
Oh, I only do that
at the christmas party.
67
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:18,323
So what in the hell
is wrong with you
68
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:21,660
To leave a terrific guy
like this at the altar?
69
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:24,296
You know, Roseanne,
I don't think this
really concerns you.
70
00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:26,932
Why don't you just
waddle away, huh?
71
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,268
And oh, look, crumbs.
72
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,171
You know, you could do
so much better.
73
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,707
I mean it.
74
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:37,209
Even in a small town
like this one,
75
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,244
He is
at the very bottom
76
00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:41,480
Of the homosexual heap.
77
00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:46,919
Well, that sounds
like fun.
78
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,455
So, scott,
79
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,290
Did everything work
out all right up
in Minneapolis?
80
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,226
It went fine. My family
minister's perfectly
willing to marry us,
81
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,261
But we do have to fly
to minnesota
82
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:59,732
For a few days
of premarital counseling.
83
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,834
- I can't fly
to Minneapolis.
- what?
84
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,902
I have to meet
with the wedding planner.
85
00:05:03,903 --> 00:05:06,772
There are still tons
of stuff to do.
86
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:09,808
Wait a minute.
Maybe Roseanne
can work with him.
87
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:12,144
She seems to know
everything there is to know
about planning a wedding.
88
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,380
No no no no no!
89
00:05:14,381 --> 00:05:17,950
Roseanne is not to be
trusted with anything
that involves cake.
90
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:21,987
Come on, Leon.
I'll do it for free.
91
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:25,691
And I have not
said those words since
my own wedding night.
92
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:30,963
Did you hear that?
Roseanne will plan it
for free.
93
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,699
Of course, we'll have
Roseanne plan our wedding.
94
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,734
You know, i've always
dreamed of a ceremony
95
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,303
That would culminate
in a hog fry.
96
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,240
Hog fry?
97
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,742
What, is the governor
coming?
98
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,379
But just think,
with the money we save
99
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:49,748
On the wedding planner,
we could afford that
honeymoon trip
100
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,583
In the bahamas
we've always wanted.
101
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:55,387
Well, scott, I was
thinking we'd be going
to greece, myself.
102
00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:57,990
You can grease yourself
in the bahamas.
103
00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:01,226
- just think,
this time next week...
- you're right.
104
00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:03,629
We could be snorkeling
in the nude.
105
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,197
Snorkeling, huh?
106
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,766
Well, I guess you
learn a new word
for it every day.
107
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,303
Oh, Roseanne!
She's terrible.
108
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:16,308
Come on, after what
you did to me last time,
you owe me.
109
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:19,411
All right, I will do it.
For you, scott.
110
00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:22,915
I will itemize exactly
everything we need
111
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,451
- and where to get it.
- don't you worry
about it, Leon.
112
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:28,087
I'm gonna do a great job
for you guys, because
you know what?
113
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:31,924
I've always thought
of you as the middle-aged
obnoxious gay son
114
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,460
- that i've never had.
- ahh!
115
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,330
So have you ever
been fitted for chaps?
116
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,372
David, roseanne's
at the reception hall.
117
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,574
She wants to know how
the seating chart's going.
118
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:51,610
Hey, Mrs. Conner.
Yeah, it looks like
each table's
119
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:54,580
Gonna be boy, girl,
boy, boy,
120
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,582
Boy, boy,
boy, boy
121
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,684
And boy.
122
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:02,121
Okay, and i'm checking
on the male strippers.
123
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:07,026
I can't stop looking
at these guys.
124
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:10,562
They're so clean
and shiny.
125
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:16,201
So who's it gonna be?
Rod, lance or shaft?
126
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,172
Dan, you got a second?
127
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:23,242
I need you to check on
a stripper for me.
128
00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:35,888
Those aren't strippers.
Those are guys.
129
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:39,291
- what are you guys
looking at?
- radial tires.
130
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,393
Oh, wow,
131
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:42,895
Cool!
132
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:48,600
Cool?
133
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:51,603
Why would you look
at those pictures
and say cool?
134
00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:53,872
'cause this one's
my math teacher.
135
00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:06,919
Cool.
136
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,588
What's with
the strippers anyway?
137
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:11,824
Is she throwing Leon
a bachelor party too?
138
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,425
No, they're for
the reception.
139
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:16,462
She's gonna put them
in cages on either side
of the cake.
140
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,365
I thought Leon wanted
something modest
and tasteful.
141
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:22,468
That's why they're
in cages.
142
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:27,039
She's gone way overboard.
143
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,609
Somebody's gonna
have to sit her down
and set her straight.
144
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,449
I didn't mean me.
145
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,091
Okay.
146
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,560
Where in the hell have
you been? The wedding
is in an hour.
147
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:51,930
The flight was delayed.
I'm sorry. I got here
as soon as...
148
00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:54,033
- whoa.
- what's the matter?
149
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,035
No, nothing.
It's just that
the sight of you
150
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,571
In tasteful surroundings,
Roseanne--
151
00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:01,440
Kind of startling.
152
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:04,276
This is nothing.
They wouldn't even let
me decorate out here.
153
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,844
Wait till you see
154
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:08,313
The main hall.
155
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:11,050
� hey,
we're never gonna �
156
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,285
� go away �
157
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:17,623
� can't you see we're
really here to stay? �
158
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,925
� hey,
we're never gonna �
159
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:23,595
� go away again. �
160
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:26,598
I do not believe this.
161
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:28,267
( gasps )
162
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,270
Or this, or this.
163
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:34,106
What is--
this is-- this is--
164
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,841
What--
what is this?
165
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:38,077
Oh, well,
they didn't have anything
166
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,679
With two grooms, see?
So we broke off the bride
167
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,681
And then we replaced it
with one
168
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:46,285
Of the action heroes
from "pocahontas."
169
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:53,125
- Roseanne,
what is all this?
- it's a gay wedding.
170
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,394
This isn't a wedding,
171
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,763
It's a circus.
172
00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,699
You have somehow managed
to take every gay stereotype
173
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:04,269
And just roll them up
into one gigantic,
174
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,239
Offensive,
roseanniacal
175
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,409
Ball of wrong!
176
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,177
Relax,
177
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:14,847
Nobody gets the wedding
they really want.
178
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,151
Now look, I need
a picture of you
for the newspaper
179
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:22,354
And not that retouched
one where you look like
joan van ark.
180
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,857
It's off.
181
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,458
What do you mean?
182
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,428
I said the wedding
is off!
183
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,263
Well, of course
it's a little off.
184
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,899
It's two guys
for god's sake.
185
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:48,647
Oh, did anybody here
lose their hearing aid?
186
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,288
Here, this is yours.
187
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,096
Seems like everything's
going well.
188
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,298
- where's Leon?
- locked in the bathroom.
189
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,102
He locked himself
in the bathroom?
What, is he, like, crying?
190
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:13,105
He might be by now.
I locked him in there.
191
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,108
- what?
- he was gonna leave.
192
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,143
Apparently, he thinks
that I went too far
193
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:20,079
With this wedding.
Isn't that ridiculous?
194
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:24,783
Oh, hi, Roseanne.
195
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:27,252
- here's the happy groom.
- please, not too loud.
196
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,255
My buddies took me out
and got me drunk last night.
197
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:34,026
Oh, I remember
when I needed buddies
to get drunk.
198
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,063
Roseanne, I want you
to say hello
199
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,366
To two very
special people.
200
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,401
This is leon's mother.
201
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:45,170
This is reverend crosley.
202
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,873
And my name is scott,
and I may be an alcoholic,
203
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:50,809
And i'm going to
greet people since my
hand is shaking anyway.
204
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,479
Oh, Roseanne.
205
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,648
Leon's told me
a great deal about you,
206
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,817
But the polaroids
207
00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:01,887
Didn't quite prepare me.
208
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:05,090
How wonderful it is
that you were able to get
that house off
209
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:07,259
Of you in time
for the wedding.
210
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,866
And you must
be the reverend.
211
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,868
I hear you're
just terrific.
212
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,436
Well, thank you.
213
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,773
People do find my ceremony
to be quite inimical,
214
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,976
Though it's
taken me years
215
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,045
Of premeditated consecration
216
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:29,314
To bring it to its
ultimate contraception.
217
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,686
Look at this place.
218
00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:36,422
Have you ever seen
such a horrific display
219
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,857
Of blue-collar
tastelessness?
220
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:42,795
You got a big
busted vein right
in your nose.
221
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:47,966
Reverend, would you
care to see me
to my seat?
222
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:50,436
It would be
an extinct pleasure, ma'am.
223
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,872
Hey, now that
the other groom's here,
224
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,908
Don't you think you ought
to let Leon out
of the bathroom?
225
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,210
Well, actually, Dan,
I was hoping you
would do it, see?
226
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,212
Because as soon
as you open that door,
227
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,915
He's gonna bolt.
So you are gonna
have to tackle him
228
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,817
And then drag him
down the aisle here
229
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:08,654
And try to make it
look like you're
giving him away.
230
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:11,156
Honey, I think you
ought to tone the wedding
down like he wanted.
231
00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:13,525
No, this is my wedding,
232
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,628
And he is lucky
I cast him in it.
233
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,098
Roseanne, I know you
wanted this wedding
to be a certain way,
234
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,633
But if you don't do
something, there isn't
gonna be a wedding.
235
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,370
It's gonna be all
your fault and you know
who's gonna suffer?
236
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,639
- me.
- fine.
237
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,642
Nancy, come here.
Now you guys have to
stall the guests
238
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:34,079
And keep them entertained
so I can go to the bathroom
and talk to Leon.
239
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,749
Now if you hear
any screaming,
just tell everybody
240
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:40,019
That yoko ono
is warming up.
241
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:43,522
These people need
to be entertained.
242
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,592
I need to entertain.
243
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,927
It's a good thing
i'm a giver.
244
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,835
Hello,
wedding people,
245
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,371
And welcome.
First, let me compliment you
246
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:01,373
On your
impeccable grooming.
247
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,609
You know, I hada little dilemma myself
248
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,611
Trying to figure out
what to buy
249
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,513
For two queens
getting married.
250
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,854
Hey, you,
251
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,490
With the pink limo:
252
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:22,261
I'll give you $50
to back that thing
through this wall.
253
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,631
- oh.
- all right, you win.
254
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,633
I will totally change
the wedding, okay?
255
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,536
You can have
your nice quiet,
boring ceremony
256
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,638
And I don't care.
While people are yawning,
257
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,040
I'll just throw peanuts
in their mouths.
258
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:38,510
I am not getting married,
Roseanne.
259
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,779
Did you hear me?
Wake up.
260
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,549
I said no lizas,
no judys,
261
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,885
No antonio banderas
matchbooks.
262
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,255
This is not about
the decorations.
263
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:53,559
I mean, as hideous
as they may be,
264
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,061
That's not the reason
that i've been...
265
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,497
Throwing up every morning
for the past week.
266
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,432
Oh my god.
You're pregnant.
267
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,771
It's not funny,
Roseanne.
268
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,975
I'm just not ready
to get married.
269
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,144
Oh, come on, you're just
getting cold feet.
270
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,879
Is that what happened
to you before?
271
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,948
No no no,
last time was different.
272
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,517
I was young
and I was immature.
273
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,253
You were 47.
274
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:25,124
Whatever. I don't know.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
275
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,793
No way. You're not gonna
do this to scott again.
276
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:30,462
You're right.
277
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,064
What was I thinking?
278
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,166
I mean, scott deserves
better treatment than--
279
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:39,371
First time I stop you.
Second time I kill you.
280
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,641
What is the matter
with you, Leon?
281
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,910
I mean, jeez,
next to your hair plugs,
282
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,446
Scott is the best thing
that's ever happened
to you.
283
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,748
Well, right,
but unlike hair plugs,
284
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,184
Marriage is permanent.
285
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:55,020
No it isn't.
I wake up every
single morning
286
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:57,289
Knowing I could leave
Dan if I wanted to.
287
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,425
I'm just
too damn lazy.
288
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:02,895
Well, then w-w-what if he
doesn't like my cooking?
289
00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:05,731
- then eat out.
- well, what if I can't
stand his mother, huh?
290
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,733
- then stay in.
- okay.
291
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:11,003
Scott says he is not
himself in the morning
until he has a pop-tart.
292
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:14,640
Well, what if they stop
making pop-tarts, huh?
What will I do then?
293
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,575
- listen to me.
- I will be living
with a person...
294
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,378
- they will never stop
making pop-tarts!
- ...Who isn't himself.
295
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:31,357
Okay, then how
about this?
296
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,426
Hmm, ready?
297
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:38,097
What if I am not
even really gay?
298
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:44,670
You couldn't be any
gayer if your name
was gay gayerson.
299
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,407
Oh, yeah?
300
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:51,210
Well, you just think
about it, young lady, hmm?
301
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,545
I hate to shop.
302
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:56,215
I am absolutely
insensitive.
303
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,718
I detest barbra streisand.
And for god's sake,
i'm a republican.
304
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:04,723
But do you like
having sex with men?
305
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,126
- well--
- gay!
306
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,701
Oh, yeah?
307
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:23,942
I'm gay.
Let's do it.
308
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,414
( organ playing )
309
00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,739
Are you okay?
310
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,208
I guess so.
311
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:59,578
I mean, if he's happy
then i'm happy.
312
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,748
It's just that years ago
313
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:06,118
When I pictured
my son's wedding...
314
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,854
I certainly didn't
have this in mind.
315
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:13,459
Yeah, this probably
is weird for you
being the mom.
316
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,627
But, you know,
i'm sure when you
pictured his wedding,
317
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,796
You also pictured him
marrying somebody
318
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,632
That really loved him.
And that is what's
happening here.
319
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,968
You know, love is love.
320
00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:24,703
I suppose.
321
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:28,540
And besides,
you're getting a nice
addition to your family.
322
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,243
That's my son-in-law
over there.
323
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:33,178
Ouch.
324
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:38,250
Ouch.
325
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,185
Ouch.
326
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:45,224
Oh, oh,
i'm so sorry.
327
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,862
Nearly beloved,
328
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:53,732
We are gathered here today
to join this couple,
329
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:57,469
He and he...
330
00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:01,640
In the bonds
of holy alimony.
331
00:19:03,076 --> 00:19:05,344
Now I had some very
apportionate remarks
332
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:07,179
Here somewhere.
333
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,916
I love you,
you know?
334
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,851
I know.
335
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,889
And you love me,
right?
336
00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:19,958
I love you in a way
that is mystical
337
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,794
And eternal
338
00:19:21,795 --> 00:19:23,996
And illegal
in 20 states.
339
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,234
That's the most beautiful
thing i've ever heard.
340
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:34,640
So you really
want to do this?
341
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,342
Yeah.
342
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,345
In sickness
and in health?
343
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,481
Till death do us
both part.
344
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,350
Sure you can handle it?
345
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:47,720
No.
346
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,691
It's gonna be great,
you know?
347
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,927
Yeah, I know.
348
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,031
Boy, that all
sounded good to me.
349
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,302
Let's move right on.
350
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:06,472
Do you, Leon,
take this scott
351
00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:09,641
To be your awfully
rabid husband?
352
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,512
To escalate,
to cherish,
353
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,214
To fax?
354
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,316
I do.
355
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,118
( sighs )
356
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:22,187
And do you, scott,
357
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:25,457
Erratically agree
to all the same stuff?
358
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,259
I do.
359
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:31,196
Then by the power
encrusted in me,
360
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:34,233
I now pronounce you
man and...
361
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,737
I now pronounce you men.
362
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,407
Amen!
363
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:44,610
You may kiss the bride
if there so be one.
364
00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:46,845
It doesn't matter.
365
00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,522
And there's the kiss.
366
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:59,258
I was wondering if
they were gonna do it,
and they're doing it.
367
00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:03,996
Yeah, look at 'em
go at it.
368
00:21:03,997 --> 00:21:06,331
They are not going
at it, Dan.
369
00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:08,867
It just happens
to be two people
of the same sex kissing,
370
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:12,204
And there's nothing
wrong with that.
371
00:21:12,205 --> 00:21:14,506
- hi.
- hi.
372
00:21:32,225 --> 00:21:35,494
( theme music playing )
373
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:16,235
( Roseanne laughing )
39010
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