All language subtitles for S8E10-Direct To Video

Roseanne: let me see
if I can figure out
how to work this thing.

Here, let me show you.

Dan, don't crowd me.
I'm trying to turn it on.

- it is on.
- no, it's off.

Look.
Now it's--

Okay, hi.
It's me.

I'm your mom,
and here's you.

I'm making you
a time capsule

To be opened
on your 16th birthday,

So today you're 16,
and, um,

You either have
really long hair
that's over your eyes

Or you're totally bald
and tattooed--

Whatever thing
it is that'll make me
and your dad the maddest.

Um, I cannot
even imagine

The stuff that you'll see
in your lifetime,

'cause I saw unbelievable
things in my lifetime.

I saw people
walking on the moon,

I saw a woman

Run for vice president,

The fall of communism,

And michael jackson marry

Lisa marie presley--

An event that will send
thousands of elvis impersonators

Right back
into truck driving.

Hey, I hope you're
all busy thinking

About what you're
gonna say when it's
your turn in here.

( tv theme music
playing )

You know, if you
think about it,

This show was really
the "friends" of the '70s.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

So, you know,
you have two sisters.

Darlene is an old soul.

I think this is about
her 150th lifetime.

She really has the power
to totally change the world

If she can figure out how
to turn her negative crap
into positive crap.

She is the first person
on either side of our family

Ever to go to college,
which is incredible.

I always thought it would
be Becky, though, 'cause Becky
is the one who had the grades.

She had the straight "a"s
and everything,

But like women for millions
of years before her,

She goes and falls
in love with a guy

That's really
not too bright.

He's kind of like...

You know.

So she quit school,

Is working in a dead-end job
with no future-- for love--

Like a million women
for a million years
before her.

Love shouldn't
end your life.

I don't want Becky
to end up so bitter that
she weighs 700 lbs,

Watches "court tv" all day
and votes republican.

Is it my turn yet?

No, and it's gonna
be awhile too,

Because the camera
loves me.

When's dinner?

- what am I, your mother?
- i'm going.

- Dan: well?
- she's not done yet.

- she said we should
start making dinner.
- okay then,

How many for pea soup,
how many for fish sticks?

You know, Mark could
whip something up.

He's been
cooking at home.
He's pretty good.

Fish sticks.

- hey, I can cook.
- now, Mark, when you
say "cook,"

Do you mean cook
or put ragu on bread?

Ooh, that sounds good.
Can you do that?

Mark's cooking?
I mean, I may
just be a kid,

But isn't he
an idiot?

Why can't any of you
believe that Mark would
be a good cook?

What's wrong
with Mark?

Okay, not all at once.
Let's do this in
an orderly fashion.

Mark, go to the store,
buy what you need.

Tonight
the whole family's
having rigatoni.

Then later,
rigor mortis.

- hey, i'm not making dessert.
- okay, girls, boxes--

Utility room.
Got some time here.
Let's go.

Dad, do we have to clean
that stuff up now?

Yeah, if we
just wait a while,
the boxes will decay,

Turn to dust
and blow away.

Nope. Your mom
wants this room
cleaned out.

Now go through these boxes,
claim what's yours now
or it's trash.

I need to get something
sharp to open this,

Like the remote.

( laughs )
oh, look, Darlene.

It's your little
pink oven.

Oh, look, Becky.

It's your barbie that
I baked inside of it.

Oh, Darlene, you are
not gonna believe
what I just found.

Your virginity?

Oh no, wait,
you left that behind
a dumpster at kmart.

"dear Roseanne,

I think you're
the cutest chick
in homeroom.

I love you more
than chocolate--"

No, crossed out
chocolate,
put "coconut pie.

Love, Dan.

P.S., i'm the one
who painted

The 'f' in front
of the art building.

Cool, huh?"

Oh my god.
Give me those.

"dear Dan,
I watched you

In football practice
this afternoon.

You sweat more than
anyone else on the team.

You're such a man.
I want to get naked,

Take your shirt,
and wring it out

All over my body."

( both shudder )

Hey, girls,
what are you doing?

Just looking at stuff
nobody wants anymore.

Oh-- she doesn't
mean you, Fred.

- hello, Fred.
- hello, Jackie.

- I brought andy so he
could be in the video.
- thank you, Fred.

You're welcome,
Jackie.

Good day to you, Fred.

Bye, jack.
Oh, look.

I may be a little late
picking him up 'cause i'm
getting fitted for ski boots.

Excuse me, ski boots?
For skiing?

- why, is that odd?
- no no.

Yeah. No.

Yeah.
No, not at all, no.

Not odd.
No.

- mommy.
- mm-hmm.
Yes.

Dan, Fred is skiing.
Why the hell is Fred skiing?

- to get down
the hill faster.
- no no.

No, it doesn't make sense.
See, Fred is dull.

When we were together,
I begged him to try skiing.

You know what his exact
words to me were?

"can't talk now.
I'm pressing my slacks."

Hey, I do not want to get
in the middle of this.

Oh, so there's
a "this" to get
in the middle of, huh?

Oh, I get it.

Oh, how pathetic!

"see, Jackie,
i'm doing stuff
that you like now.

I'm skiing,
i'm interesting."

And that's
supposed to make me
want to take him back.

That's what it is,
isn't it, Dan?
Huh? Huh?

I'm gonna go
get a beer.

Enjoy your tour
of the galaxy.

Yeah well, you're not
saying that i'm wrong,
are you?

Okay, I will take
your silence as a no.

Thank you very much!

Your dad works
really hard.

He always wanted to give
you guys everything,

But over the years,
I guess,

His dreams kind of fell down
one right after the other.

But now he's
working for the city,
which is great,

Because you cannot be fired
for any reason whatsoever,
you know,

Just like being
in congress.

And I do have
to say, though,

That no matter
how hard he works,
I have always worked harder.

I have worked

Whether your dad was
laid up or laid off.

I'm the one that
brought home the bacon.
I cooked it up myself.

And, yeah sure,
I took a few bites
off the top,

But I figured I got
to reward myself some way.

And I have never complained
in my entire life.

I've never complained,
and I have never ever

Asked anybody for help.

Because, you know,
even if I did, it's not like

Anybody'd lift a finger
to help me anyway.

Gee, there's a lot
of cool stuff in here.

Hey, Deej, you ever
seen a "tv guide"
from before cable?

Wow!
Skinny!

- what are these?
- oh, man.

Becky and darlene's
baby books.

Look, there's darlene's
first tooth.

Careful, Deej.
That is razor sharp.

Cool. Is my
baby book in here?

Oh, it's, uh, probably
out in the garage.

- great. I want to go find it.
- okay, son, you do that.

David, i'm gonna
need your help here.

- doing what?
- making out d.J.'s
baby book.

Mr. Conner!

Hey, it was 1981.
I was still hung up
on the bicentennial thing.

Okay.
Date of birth,

Middle name...

We'll get
back to that.

Lock of hair.

Too thick
and greasy.

Too coarse
and manly.

Too much
like carpet.

What?

Has anyone ever told you
you have nice hair?

Man, andy was
hungry.

Andy.
Duh.

Get the scissors.

Hi, Jackie.

So, Mark,

Mark...

Bo-bark,

You and Fred
work together.

Has he told you about
his little plan yet--

His little
Jackie-likes-
to-ski-

So-i'm-gonna-ski-
to-get-her-back plan?

Fred's going skiing?

I guess it got too cold
for him to go rock climbing.

Wait, he's
rock climbing too?

I don't like rock climbing.
Why is he rock climbing?

Why are you rock climbing?
I don't like rock climbing,

So your doing it
doesn't impress me.
So why do it?

I wasn't doing it
to impress you.

Then why the sudden
interest in skiing,

Mister...
Mister...

Famous-guy-
who's-a-skier-guy?

Jackie, is andy
ready or not?

Jean-claude killy!
That's it--

Jean-claude killy!

Jackie, you know,
I can do things
for me too.

I can go skiing.
I can go rock-climbing.

I can be in a play.

- you were in a play?
- yes.

What the hell gives you
the right to be interesting?

You were the one
who was always telling me
I should be more active.

Yeah, before,
when we were together.
It doesn't do me any good now.

Change back.
Change back!

Goodbye, Jackie.
You've lost your mind!

Oh, so now you're
a psychiatrist.

Look, there goes Fred,

The skiing psychiatrist!

Me and your aunt Jackie
are really close.

We're about as close
as two sisters can be.

But it is kind of funny
how life works out,

Because in high school
she was the one

That had all
these boyfriends

And I never had
any boyfriends.

But now i'm the one that's
been married for 23 years

And aunt Jackie just
barely got a divorce,

Which is sad.

And i'm sure that her little
andy's gonna grow up to be
some big old flamer...

Uh, well, which isn't
a bad thing.

I mean, um,
gay people are cool.

They're just as good
and just as bad as
other people.

You might be
gay yourself.

So I want you to know that
there's nothing you could
ever do or say or be

That would make us
not love you.

"Roseanne, Roseanne,
my name is Dan.

I really want
to be your man.

Please say yes
or i'll be a mess.

Leave your answer
in my 'dess.'"

Are you listening?
Becky?

Darlene, you got
to read what mom
wrote here.

- it's really
incredible.
- wow.

Hey, where's dad?

- dad, I couldn't find it.
- whoa, d.J.!

Slow down!
Running is very
dangerous!

Now you get back out there
and you walk in here!

Go go go
go go go!

- baby's footprint. Done.
- I think that's everything.

Our horrible fraud
is complete.

Cool, thanks, David.

D.J., good news!
We found your book!

It was in this box
the whole time!
How about that?

Oh, great.
Let me see.

Hey, look,
it's my first tooth.

Ooh, and it's
all sticky!
And minty!

There's a real good
reason for that, Deej.

- you see,
that particular tooth--
- is a tic-tac!

It is?
Oh, that's right,
it is!

That's right,
that's right!

You see, your real tooth--
this is quite a story here--

Oh my god, you've got
your mother's stare.

Okay, Deej.

Look, we made
the whole thing up.

I'm sorry.
We never did keep
a baby book for you.

I mean,
you were the third kid.
That happens sometimes.

I'm really really sorry.

But it doesn't mean
we love you any less.
I hope you know that.

None of this was
my idea, d.J.

Come on, Deej.
I'll make it up
to you.

We can do some
father-son things.
You know any?

Why don't you just
finish my book?

Really?

Yeah. Just write
what I was like
when I was two.

Just kind of average.
I mean, uh,

Just starting to put
sentences together.

Do better.

"much smarter than
either of his sisters."

All right!

"has x-ray eyes."

So i'd better tell you
a little bit about
your grandparents.

You know,
my mother's bev.

She drives me nuts.

I mean the woman wears
a wool cap in the summer,
for god's sake.

But she raised me and Jackie
almost totally by herself,

And she never told us
that our father

Had a girlfriend
for 22 years.

So that tells you everything
you need to know
about my father.

And your father's father

Married my very best friend
Crystal and they have
two kids now.

We don't see 'em that much
anymore 'cause your dad

Just really doesn't get along
with his dad too well.

And your dad's mom,

Well, let's just say

She enjoys a cocktail.

Food, now!

Darlene:
all right, let's get
this over with.

The pizza place closes at 9:00,
which doesn't give me much time

To eat this, puke
and then drive there.

- hey, you knock it off.
- yeah, leave Mark alone.

This looks good.

Dad, can I go to bed
without supper?

- no.
- please? I smoked
a cigarette today.

I wish we had a dog.

Maybe we did.

All right, that's it.
Dinner's over.

I worked really
hard on this

And all you people do is
sit around and make fun of me.

Mark, Mark,
bring the plates back.
We're sorry.

"sorry" only counts in
horseshoes and hand grenades.

You guys are
unbelievable.

Mark really tried
to make a good dinner
for you people,

And you just
make fun of him?

Well, I guess that's what
passes for "thank you"
in this family.

I feel really bad.

Oh, yeah?
Wait 10 minutes.

Oh my god!

- they're eating it.
- really?

Yeah, look
for yourself.

Oh my god,
they are.

Suckers!

Serves 'em right,
ragging on you all day.

What is in
that junk anyway?

Lots of stuff,
but I think
it's the jergens

That they're really
responding to.

( groans )

You didn't finish that!
Get back here!

Teach you to smoke
a cigarette.

If you're going in to eat,
may I suggest a few
of these first?

No, Dan,
alcohol isn't

The answer
to everything.

Whoa.
This is about that
whole Fred thing, isn't it?

No. Sit down please.
Dan, it's not about Fred.

It-it's about me...
And Fred.

( groans )
oh, my stomach hurts!
I can't get up! What?

It's just that...

Fred has suddenly
gotten so interesting,
and i've become so boring,

And it's not fair,
you know?

I want to do stuff too,
but I have to spend all
my time being a mother.

- could you give Fred
the baby more hours a week?
- no, I don't want to do that.

- cut back on
your hours at work?
- I can't afford to do that.

Well, take the baby
and move in with your mom?

Okay, that was
just plain mean.

Well, Jackie, I don't know.
I'm out of ideas.

You've shot down
all my suggestions.

You've rejected
alcohol out of hand.

Oh, I know.
It's just that

I want to do things
like ski and stuff

And I can't
because I have andy.

And then-- I know
it sounds horrible--

But I feel cheated.

And then that makes me
feel all guilty

Because it's not
little andy's fault,
it's nobody's fault.

I'm just stuck.
I'm just...

I'm stuck
and i'm alone

And I don't know
what to do.

Roseanne and I are
always here for you.

- well, yeah, I know.
- ( andy cries )

Oh, relax.
I'll get him.

Ohh.

Roseanne:
Dan, get in here. It's your
turn to talk to the kid.

It's not always
gonna be like this.

- we will be here for you.
- I know, Dan.

It's okay, it's okay.

Sweetie, it's all right.

Everything's okay.
No, honey, shh shh.

Okay, i'm gonna give your dad
a turn to talk to you now,

But before I go,
I want to tell you one thing:

You know that we had you
late in our lives,

But we really
wanted you.

And that's basically
because you're our last hope
for a good retirement,

Which is totally gonna happen,
because after all these years

I finally figured out how
to raise a kid that'll
grow up to be

Incredibly successful.
And that is

Every time you turn around,
you tell them

How wonderful they are

And how beautiful
they are

And how priceless they are
and how much they are loved.

And you are.

Hi, i'm d.J.,
your older brother.

By the time you see this,
i'll have a mustache,

'cause I just
sent away for it.

This is your cousin andy,
and he's gonna show you

How smart he is.

Honey? Honey.
Honey!

Where's mommy's nose?

Where's mommy's
nose, huh?

He's usually
really good at this.

Honey honey,
where's mommy's nose?

( chuckles )

Hey, sis.

Okay, mom and dad
don't know we found this,

So this is
just between us,
all right?

"dear Dan,

We're getting
married tomorrow.

As cool as it is
that you're going
to be my husband,

It's even cooler
that you're gonna be
the father of my children,

'cause I really want our
family to be different from
the families we grew up in.

Our kids are gonna get
a better shot than that.

We're gonna make sure
they know that they're
worth something,

And that no matter
what they do,

No matter how mad
they make us

Or how bad
they screw up,

They can always
come home."

Pretty nice letter, huh?

Still, watch your back.

No, come on.
You can find it.

He's so close.

Honey honey honey...

( sniffing )

Hi, it's me, your dad.

I went out and got this
baby book for you today.

I'm gonna fill it all out
for you, stay on top of it.

I already put your
sonogram picture in there.

That's you.

You look real pretty.

You got your mother's
eye sockets.

Can't wait to meet you.

Roseanne:
your grandmother really really
wanted to be on this tape,

So go ahead, mom.

Thank you, Roseanne.

Hello!
Hello, little grand--

Trust me.
That was enough.

So i'll see you
in a few weeks.

Can't wait.

What do you got to do
to get some dinner
around here?