Original subtitles

Roseanne: let me see if I can figure out how to work this thing.

Here, let me show you.

Dan, don't crowd me. I'm trying to turn it on.

- it is on. - no, it's off.

Look. Now it's--

Okay, hi. It's me.

I'm your mom, and here's you.

I'm making you a time capsule

To be opened on your 16th birthday,

So today you're 16, and, um,

You either have really long hair that's over your eyes

Or you're totally bald and tattooed--

Whatever thing it is that'll make me and your dad the maddest.

Um, I cannot even imagine

The stuff that you'll see in your lifetime,

'cause I saw unbelievable things in my lifetime.

I saw people walking on the moon,

I saw a woman

Run for vice president,

The fall of communism,

And michael jackson marry

Lisa marie presley--

An event that will send thousands of elvis impersonators

Right back into truck driving.

Hey, I hope you're all busy thinking

About what you're gonna say when it's your turn in here.

( tv theme music playing )

You know, if you think about it,

This show was really the "friends" of the '70s.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

So, you know, you have two sisters.

Darlene is an old soul.

I think this is about her 150th lifetime.

She really has the power to totally change the world

If she can figure out how to turn her negative crap into positive crap.

She is the first person on either side of our family

Ever to go to college, which is incredible.

I always thought it would be Becky, though, 'cause Becky is the one who had the grades.

She had the straight "a"s and everything,

But like women for millions of years before her,

She goes and falls in love with a guy

That's really not too bright.

He's kind of like...

You know.

So she quit school,

Is working in a dead-end job with no future-- for love--

Like a million women for a million years before her.

Love shouldn't end your life.

I don't want Becky to end up so bitter that she weighs 700 lbs,

Watches "court tv" all day and votes republican.

Is it my turn yet?

No, and it's gonna be awhile too,

Because the camera loves me.

When's dinner?

- what am I, your mother? - i'm going.

- Dan: well? - she's not done yet.

- she said we should start making dinner. - okay then,

How many for pea soup, how many for fish sticks?

You know, Mark could whip something up.

He's been cooking at home. He's pretty good.

Fish sticks.

- hey, I can cook. - now, Mark, when you say "cook,"

Do you mean cook or put ragu on bread?

Ooh, that sounds good. Can you do that?

Mark's cooking? I mean, I may just be a kid,

But isn't he an idiot?

Why can't any of you believe that Mark would be a good cook?

What's wrong with Mark?

Okay, not all at once. Let's do this in an orderly fashion.

Mark, go to the store, buy what you need.

Tonight the whole family's having rigatoni.

Then later, rigor mortis.

- hey, i'm not making dessert. - okay, girls, boxes--

Utility room. Got some time here. Let's go.

Dad, do we have to clean that stuff up now?

Yeah, if we just wait a while, the boxes will decay,

Turn to dust and blow away.

Nope. Your mom wants this room cleaned out.

Now go through these boxes, claim what's yours now or it's trash.

I need to get something sharp to open this,

Like the remote.

( laughs ) oh, look, Darlene.

It's your little pink oven.

Oh, look, Becky.

It's your barbie that I baked inside of it.

Oh, Darlene, you are not gonna believe what I just found.

Your virginity?

Oh no, wait, you left that behind a dumpster at kmart.

"dear Roseanne,

I think you're the cutest chick in homeroom.

I love you more than chocolate--"

No, crossed out chocolate, put "coconut pie.

Love, Dan.

P.S., i'm the one who painted

The 'f' in front of the art building.

Cool, huh?"

Oh my god. Give me those.

"dear Dan, I watched you

In football practice this afternoon.

You sweat more than anyone else on the team.

You're such a man. I want to get naked,

Take your shirt, and wring it out

All over my body."

( both shudder )

Hey, girls, what are you doing?

Just looking at stuff nobody wants anymore.

Oh-- she doesn't mean you, Fred.

- hello, Fred. - hello, Jackie.

- I brought andy so he could be in the video. - thank you, Fred.

You're welcome, Jackie.

Good day to you, Fred.

Bye, jack. Oh, look.

I may be a little late picking him up 'cause i'm getting fitted for ski boots.

Excuse me, ski boots? For skiing?

- why, is that odd? - no no.

Yeah. No.

Yeah. No, not at all, no.

Not odd. No.

- mommy. - mm-hmm. Yes.

Dan, Fred is skiing. Why the hell is Fred skiing?

- to get down the hill faster. - no no.

No, it doesn't make sense. See, Fred is dull.

When we were together, I begged him to try skiing.

You know what his exact words to me were?

"can't talk now. I'm pressing my slacks."

Hey, I do not want to get in the middle of this.

Oh, so there's a "this" to get in the middle of, huh?

Oh, I get it.

Oh, how pathetic!

"see, Jackie, i'm doing stuff that you like now.

I'm skiing, i'm interesting."

And that's supposed to make me want to take him back.

That's what it is, isn't it, Dan? Huh? Huh?

I'm gonna go get a beer.

Enjoy your tour of the galaxy.

Yeah well, you're not saying that i'm wrong, are you?

Okay, I will take your silence as a no.

Thank you very much!

Your dad works really hard.

He always wanted to give you guys everything,

But over the years, I guess,

His dreams kind of fell down one right after the other.

But now he's working for the city, which is great,

Because you cannot be fired for any reason whatsoever, you know,

Just like being in congress.

And I do have to say, though,

That no matter how hard he works, I have always worked harder.

I have worked

Whether your dad was laid up or laid off.

I'm the one that brought home the bacon. I cooked it up myself.

And, yeah sure, I took a few bites off the top,

But I figured I got to reward myself some way.

And I have never complained in my entire life.

I've never complained, and I have never ever

Asked anybody for help.

Because, you know, even if I did, it's not like

Anybody'd lift a finger to help me anyway.

Gee, there's a lot of cool stuff in here.

Hey, Deej, you ever seen a "tv guide" from before cable?

Wow! Skinny!

- what are these? - oh, man.

Becky and darlene's baby books.

Look, there's darlene's first tooth.

Careful, Deej. That is razor sharp.

Cool. Is my baby book in here?

Oh, it's, uh, probably out in the garage.

- great. I want to go find it. - okay, son, you do that.

David, i'm gonna need your help here.

- doing what? - making out d.J.'s baby book.

Mr. Conner!

Hey, it was 1981. I was still hung up on the bicentennial thing.

Okay. Date of birth,

Middle name...

We'll get back to that.

Lock of hair.

Too thick and greasy.

Too coarse and manly.

Too much like carpet.

What?

Has anyone ever told you you have nice hair?

Man, andy was hungry.

Andy. Duh.

Get the scissors.

Hi, Jackie.

So, Mark,

Mark...

Bo-bark,

You and Fred work together.

Has he told you about his little plan yet--

His little Jackie-likes- to-ski-

So-i'm-gonna-ski- to-get-her-back plan?

Fred's going skiing?

I guess it got too cold for him to go rock climbing.

Wait, he's rock climbing too?

I don't like rock climbing. Why is he rock climbing?

Why are you rock climbing? I don't like rock climbing,

So your doing it doesn't impress me. So why do it?

I wasn't doing it to impress you.

Then why the sudden interest in skiing,

Mister... Mister...

Famous-guy- who's-a-skier-guy?

Jackie, is andy ready or not?

Jean-claude killy! That's it--

Jean-claude killy!

Jackie, you know, I can do things for me too.

I can go skiing. I can go rock-climbing.

I can be in a play.

- you were in a play? - yes.

What the hell gives you the right to be interesting?

You were the one who was always telling me I should be more active.

Yeah, before, when we were together. It doesn't do me any good now.

Change back. Change back!

Goodbye, Jackie. You've lost your mind!

Oh, so now you're a psychiatrist.

Look, there goes Fred,

The skiing psychiatrist!

Me and your aunt Jackie are really close.

We're about as close as two sisters can be.

But it is kind of funny how life works out,

Because in high school she was the one

That had all these boyfriends

And I never had any boyfriends.

But now i'm the one that's been married for 23 years

And aunt Jackie just barely got a divorce,

Which is sad.

And i'm sure that her little andy's gonna grow up to be some big old flamer...

Uh, well, which isn't a bad thing.

I mean, um, gay people are cool.

They're just as good and just as bad as other people.

You might be gay yourself.

So I want you to know that there's nothing you could ever do or say or be

That would make us not love you.

"Roseanne, Roseanne, my name is Dan.

I really want to be your man.

Please say yes or i'll be a mess.

Leave your answer in my 'dess.'"

Are you listening? Becky?

Darlene, you got to read what mom wrote here.

- it's really incredible. - wow.

Hey, where's dad?

- dad, I couldn't find it. - whoa, d.J.!

Slow down! Running is very dangerous!

Now you get back out there and you walk in here!

Go go go go go go!

- baby's footprint. Done. - I think that's everything.

Our horrible fraud is complete.

Cool, thanks, David.

D.J., good news! We found your book!

It was in this box the whole time! How about that?

Oh, great. Let me see.

Hey, look, it's my first tooth.

Ooh, and it's all sticky! And minty!

There's a real good reason for that, Deej.

- you see, that particular tooth-- - is a tic-tac!

It is? Oh, that's right, it is!

That's right, that's right!

You see, your real tooth-- this is quite a story here--

Oh my god, you've got your mother's stare.

Okay, Deej.

Look, we made the whole thing up.

I'm sorry. We never did keep a baby book for you.

I mean, you were the third kid. That happens sometimes.

I'm really really sorry.

But it doesn't mean we love you any less. I hope you know that.

None of this was my idea, d.J.

Come on, Deej. I'll make it up to you.

We can do some father-son things. You know any?

Why don't you just finish my book?

Really?

Yeah. Just write what I was like when I was two.

Just kind of average. I mean, uh,

Just starting to put sentences together.

Do better.

"much smarter than either of his sisters."

All right!

"has x-ray eyes."

So i'd better tell you a little bit about your grandparents.

You know, my mother's bev.

She drives me nuts.

I mean the woman wears a wool cap in the summer, for god's sake.

But she raised me and Jackie almost totally by herself,

And she never told us that our father

Had a girlfriend for 22 years.

So that tells you everything you need to know about my father.

And your father's father

Married my very best friend Crystal and they have two kids now.

We don't see 'em that much anymore 'cause your dad

Just really doesn't get along with his dad too well.

And your dad's mom,

Well, let's just say

She enjoys a cocktail.

Food, now!

Darlene: all right, let's get this over with.

The pizza place closes at 9:00, which doesn't give me much time

To eat this, puke and then drive there.

- hey, you knock it off. - yeah, leave Mark alone.

This looks good.

Dad, can I go to bed without supper?

- no. - please? I smoked a cigarette today.

I wish we had a dog.

Maybe we did.

All right, that's it. Dinner's over.

I worked really hard on this

And all you people do is sit around and make fun of me.

Mark, Mark, bring the plates back. We're sorry.

"sorry" only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

You guys are unbelievable.

Mark really tried to make a good dinner for you people,

And you just make fun of him?

Well, I guess that's what passes for "thank you" in this family.

I feel really bad.

Oh, yeah? Wait 10 minutes.

Oh my god!

- they're eating it. - really?

Yeah, look for yourself.

Oh my god, they are.

Suckers!

Serves 'em right, ragging on you all day.

What is in that junk anyway?

Lots of stuff, but I think it's the jergens

That they're really responding to.

( groans )

You didn't finish that! Get back here!

Teach you to smoke a cigarette.

If you're going in to eat, may I suggest a few of these first?

No, Dan, alcohol isn't

The answer to everything.

Whoa. This is about that whole Fred thing, isn't it?

No. Sit down please. Dan, it's not about Fred.

It-it's about me... And Fred.

( groans ) oh, my stomach hurts! I can't get up! What?

It's just that...

Fred has suddenly gotten so interesting, and i've become so boring,

And it's not fair, you know?

I want to do stuff too, but I have to spend all my time being a mother.

- could you give Fred the baby more hours a week? - no, I don't want to do that.

- cut back on your hours at work? - I can't afford to do that.

Well, take the baby and move in with your mom?

Okay, that was just plain mean.

Well, Jackie, I don't know. I'm out of ideas.

You've shot down all my suggestions.

You've rejected alcohol out of hand.

Oh, I know. It's just that

I want to do things like ski and stuff

And I can't because I have andy.

And then-- I know it sounds horrible--

But I feel cheated.

And then that makes me feel all guilty

Because it's not little andy's fault, it's nobody's fault.

I'm just stuck. I'm just...

I'm stuck and i'm alone

And I don't know what to do.

Roseanne and I are always here for you.

- well, yeah, I know. - ( andy cries )

Oh, relax. I'll get him.

Ohh.

Roseanne: Dan, get in here. It's your turn to talk to the kid.

It's not always gonna be like this.

- we will be here for you. - I know, Dan.

It's okay, it's okay.

Sweetie, it's all right.

Everything's okay. No, honey, shh shh.

Okay, i'm gonna give your dad a turn to talk to you now,

But before I go, I want to tell you one thing:

You know that we had you late in our lives,

But we really wanted you.

And that's basically because you're our last hope for a good retirement,

Which is totally gonna happen, because after all these years

I finally figured out how to raise a kid that'll grow up to be

Incredibly successful. And that is

Every time you turn around, you tell them

How wonderful they are

And how beautiful they are

And how priceless they are and how much they are loved.

And you are.

Hi, i'm d.J., your older brother.

By the time you see this, i'll have a mustache,

'cause I just sent away for it.

This is your cousin andy, and he's gonna show you

How smart he is.

Honey? Honey. Honey!

Where's mommy's nose?

Where's mommy's nose, huh?

He's usually really good at this.

Honey honey, where's mommy's nose?

( chuckles )

Hey, sis.

Okay, mom and dad don't know we found this,

So this is just between us, all right?

"dear Dan,

We're getting married tomorrow.

As cool as it is that you're going to be my husband,

It's even cooler that you're gonna be the father of my children,

'cause I really want our family to be different from the families we grew up in.

Our kids are gonna get a better shot than that.

We're gonna make sure they know that they're worth something,

And that no matter what they do,

No matter how mad they make us

Or how bad they screw up,

They can always come home."

Pretty nice letter, huh?

Still, watch your back.

No, come on. You can find it.

He's so close.

Honey honey honey...

( sniffing )

Hi, it's me, your dad.

I went out and got this baby book for you today.

I'm gonna fill it all out for you, stay on top of it.

I already put your sonogram picture in there.

That's you.

You look real pretty.

You got your mother's eye sockets.

Can't wait to meet you.

Roseanne: your grandmother really really wanted to be on this tape,

So go ahead, mom.

Thank you, Roseanne.

Hello! Hello, little grand--

Trust me. That was enough.

So i'll see you in a few weeks.

Can't wait.

What do you got to do to get some dinner around here?