Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

Good evening.

My name is Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas,

Or, as I like to call me,

Roseanne.

What you are about to see

Is the original "Roseanne" show pilot.

It has been lost for some 40 years,

Along with my mind.

The difference is

That this episode has been found.

Love to all my fans.

Enjoy.

Announcer: from television city in Hollywood, California,

- it's "That's Our Rosey"... - ( whimsical music playing )

Starring america's favorite housewife,

Roseanne.

Also starring John Goodman

As Dan Conner,

Laurie Metcalf as Roseanne's wacky neighbor Jackie,

The irrepressible Lecy Goranson as Rebecca,

Sara Gilbert as the absent daughter Darlene,

And Michael Fishman as the Deej.

Also featuring the impish Matthew Fishman

As younger brother Stinky Conner,

The dashing Glenn Quinn as Rebecca's favorite beau Mark,

And happy-go-lucky Johnny Galecki

As foreign exchange student Davide.

Choir: � that's our Rosey. �

( laughing )

( applause )

Rosey, i'm home.

( applause )

My goodness, your hat is pushed up.

You must have had a rough day at the office.

It's that darned anderson account.

- how about a martini? - make it a double.

I already did.

( chuckling )

All: hi, dad!

Hi, kids.

Whoops, stinky, looks like someone forgot to wash his hands.

Uh-oh, i'm in trouble.

Bon jour, eh?

Davide,

You're in the good old U.S. of A. now.

I won't have you speaking french-canadian.

Well, during your war for independence,

You fought bravely for your freedom.

We in canada, we were too frightened

And remained loyal to the crown.

Well, let's start eating

Before it gets cold.

Mm-mmm.

Kitten? You look flushed.

Oui, oui, she is flushed with amour.

Tonight you are going on le date, eh?

Le date? You just went out last Friday night.

Uh-oh, becky's in trouble.

Mother, help.

Oh now, dear,

Can't she please go out tonight?

All she has left of her homework is just chemistry

And she's a girl so she'll never use it.

Be home by 10:00.

Oh! Thanks, dad.

You're the best.

That's why he wears the sansabelts in this family.

( sighs )

Well, i'd better get cracking on that evening paper.

It's on the coffee table right next to your pipe.

I've already ironed it open to the sports page.

That's my rosey.

Say, Deej,

I was talking to coach johnson this morning

At the rotary club prayer breakfast,

And he mentioned the football tryouts

Are just around the corner.

Yeah. Great.

So we'll toss that pigskin around after you clean your plate.

Say, stinky,

I'd like to talk to your brother for a minute,

So, um, could you go up to your room, please?

Come on, stinky.

My american mommy has the look that gives me la creeps.

Uh-oh, d.J.'s in trouble.

Now let's see if we can't turn that frown upside-down.

You do want to play football now, don't you?

Yeah, dad wants me to.

But yet you also want to play the guitar

In your very own rock 'n' roll band?

I sure do!

Well, obviously you cannot do both.

That would be like me trying to raise a family

And have a job at the same time...

And that could never work.

Yeah, 'cause you're a girl.

What am I gonna do, mom?

Don't you worry.

You just go upstairs and get a good night's sleep.

Oh! Hey, toots!

You've gotta help. 12 people just showed up.

- I gotta borrow a turkey. - a turkey?

Well, luckily for you, I just...

Happen to have one.

Cook at 350� for one hour, and voila!

Thanks, rosey. You saved my marriage...

Again!

Better get this home to Fred or he'll spank my derriere

Till it's red as the kremlin.

Bye-bye, and buy bonds!

"that's our rosey" will return

After this brief commercial announcement.

Say, this senator mccarthy fellow is really on the beam.

Hey, slugger,

I hear you got a visit at school from good old reddy kilowatt today

Talking about the wonders of atomic power.

We sure did. It was really neat.

But i'm confused, dad.

I mean, aren't atomic bombs bad?

Not if they're our bombs, son.

You see, the atom does play a vital part

In our military- industrial complex,

But it also has a lot of good uses right here at home.

This is a lump of coal.

Notice how dirty and smelly it is.

- yuck! - ( Dan chuckles )

But this is uranium.

You'd have to fill a football field

50 times with coal

To equal the power in this little devil.

Neato!

Soon, if we're lucky,

Every town in america will have their own atomic power plant

And we'll all have electricity that's too cheap to meter.

( announcer speaking )

Well, stinky and the Deej

Are all tucked in.

And these darn communists

Are up to their old tricks again.

Need help?

Oh no no, dear. You've worked hard all day.

You just sit there and enjoy your paper.

( doorbell rings )

Hey, little missy,

Where's the fire?

Hi, Mark.

How are you?

Oh, tip-toppity, becks.

"where's the fire?" you ask.

It's in her eyes.

Here, these-- these are for you.

Marzipan!

They're dreamy.

You ready to go, becks?

Just a minute.

Mom, kitchen.

Oh, well, you boys go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.

So, how are you, Mr. C?

Tip-toppity.

What am I going to do, mom?

We've been dating three weeks already.

If he doesn't pin me tonight, i'll die! I'll just die!

Oh, there there, rebecca.

If you don't have a steady boyfriend,

It won't be the end of the world.

It won't?

I'm just kidding. Of course it will!

Well then, what should I do, mom?

Well, actually it's as easy as pie, dear.

If you want to trap a man,

You cannot appear to be too eager

And you must never never act too smart.

Oh! You know everything about everything, mom.

Yes, I do, dear, but just don't tell your father.

The key to a good fallout shelter

Is in the locks.

So when the big one drops and you have to take cover,

It's not the commies you'll be fighting off,

It's your neighbors.

Daddy, have you been talking to Mark?

We were just talking about the red menace.

Well, i'm glad I wasn't here for that.

I wouldn't have understood a word.

( both chuckle )

We should be going. Bye-bye.

Good luck.

You know, honey, that boy's starting to grow on me.

He's opposed to those who are not like us

And he's on the football team.

Tip-toppity.

Announcer: "that's our rosey"

Will return after this brief commercial announcement.

( coughing )

( hacking )

Gosh, you sound awful.

These darn cigarettes tickle my throat.

Maybe I should just quit smoking?

No, just change brands.

Here, try one of mine.

Say, that's rich tobacco flavor.

What brand are these?

Yorks. Their unique filter

Allows you to enjoy great taste

Without wheezing.

And look what I got by saving the coupons.

Why, it's yorkie!

The cute little otter from the york cigarette ads.

Stinky, i've got a friend here who'd like to meet you.

Yorkie!

Both: uh-oh.

The old brand's in trouble.

Choir: � york's the one for you. �

( machine clicking )

Come in.

The balance in this doggone checkbook

Is as frustrating as this darn anderson account.

You haven't overspent your allowance again, have you?

Now dear, you haven't seen me wearing any new hats lately, have you?

Not this week.

Look what i've done, dear.

I've cleared off two whole shelves,

So that the Deej can fill them up with his football trophies.

You know, dear, i'm kind of worried about the Deej.

I think that-- I mean,

I don't think, I-- I feel...

While he likes football,

He may actually like music a little better.

Music?

The Deej?

Yes, dear, haven't you noticed?

He's got that pop-beat fever.

No son of mine is going to be playing in a rock 'n' roll band.

"rock 'n' roll."

The kids call it music, but I call it noise.

But, dear,

Do you really think it would hurt

To let the Deej decide this for himself?

Well--

No.

Let's leave the Deej be

And let him make up his own mind.

You wanted to see me, dear?

Rosey, you've got some explaining to do.

I'm sorry, dear.

I guess sometimes a woman's emotions

Just get the best of her.

( chuckles )

Well, I forgive you.

You know, I guess the Deej will do whatever he wants to do.

Kids these days just don't listen.

Well, I think I know the Deej, dear,

And he is not going to do anything without his father's approval.

Okay, i'll talk to him.

What is it, dear?

It's just so hard being a man.

You have to clean out the gutters, balance the checkbook,

Solve all the kids' problems,

And still worry about that darn anderson account.

Oh dear, don't worry about it.

I'm sure the solution to that darn anderson account

Will come to you.

Oh.

Deej, your father's looking for you.

He wants to talk. Go wait in the study.

Uh-oh, the Deej is in trouble.

( doorbell rings )

- hello, mose. - evening, miss rosey.

I's here to pick up that box of discards for the church.

It's right over there.

Go on, get it, June bug.

So, mose, how are all the colored people doing over on your side of town?

Good. Everybody's workin' over there.

Colored people's happy when they're working.

How's all the lovely white folks on this side of town?

Just fine, mose, thank you.

That's good. Well, it's late. I got to get on now.

- you walk with jesus. - oh yes, definitely.

Oh, so cute!

Are things ever gonna change, pop?

Oh, someday, when one of us is president.

Might even be you, son.

Who were they, mom?

Oh, that's just old mose powell

And his son colin.

- hey, toots. - Jackie, where have you been?

We only have 15 minutes for our coffee klatch today

And I have to soak my hands in this mild detergent

So they'll be...

Nice and soft, the way Dan likes 'em

And i'm already in his doghouse.

Doghouse, huh?

Did you ball his socks instead of folding them?

'cause I did that to Fred once,

And whoa!

No no, nothing like that.

You see, Dan wants the Deej to play football

And I-- I kind of encouraged him to play the guitar instead.

You went against dan's wishes?

Well, the Deej wants to play guitar, Jackie.

And I know, because,

Well, i'm the one that's home all day

Every day from morning till night.

Mmm.

Jackie, could you please

Not be wacky for one minute?

Sorry!

What i'm trying to say is--

Well, gosh, it seems like I do everything for this family

And yet Dan gets all the credit.

Well, he is the man.

But I do all the laundry,

I balance the checkbook, I do the shopping,

I take care of the kids and the car and darn it, i'm just not...

Say it, rosey, say it!

I'm not happy.

That's all I needed to hear.

( dramatic music playing )

Jackie, what are you doing?

You're not alone. There are other women who feel the way you do.

- they talk about changing things. - changing things?

- who don't want to take it anymore! - no, stop!

Who don't want to do what their husbands say just because they say so!

No more! No more!

You're giving me a pounding headache!

I'm not giving you a headache,

The truth is giving you a headache.

Jackie, I can't believe this is coming from you.

You're so wacky!

That's my cover.

A bunch of us are having meetings once a week.

We call them "tupperware parties."

There's only a few of us now but we're growing.

We're planning a revolution.

Under the guise of keeping your leftovers fresh?

That's brilliant.

Are you with us?

Are you telling me that if I join,

I won't have this feeling of hopelessness anymore?

I can have some control in my life,

And over my own destiny?

Yes! That's the spirit, sister!

Well, you're not gonna hit me, are you?

No no!

This is what we all do!

Announcer: don't go away.

"that's our rosey" will be right back.

Ho-hum.

Feeling "ho-hum"?

Dr. Clean.

I just don't have a lot of energy lately, doctor.

I have trouble concentrating,

A general feeling of hopelessness

And I just feel out of sorts.

Well, has your housework suffered?

Not yet.

But I did notice this morning

When I was ironing, for the first time

I didn't hum.

I've been hearing this a lot lately.

You need baritol.

- baritol? - yes, many housewives find

That it soothes and restores.

Announcer: baritol contains alcohol

And other fine distilled products.

It helps them get back to the things that matter most,

Like cooking and cleaning.

Okay, son, go wash up.

Dad, you're the greatest.

( chuckles )

Rosey, how about some coffee?

So, how did your talk with d.J. Go, dear?

Swell. Turns out I was right all along.

- the lad really did want to play the guitar. - oh, that's just great.

That's nothing. You should see the way I handled that anderson account.

The boss has invited me to his club for a steam.

Oh honey, you're so smart!

I love you to pieces!

Hey, what do you say we push our twin beds together tonight

And...?

Shh. The kids'll hear you.

Uh-oh, dad's in trouble.

Chorus: � that's our rosey. �

( rock music playing )

� hey, everybody listen �

� to what I say �

� I may be a kid, but I don't play �

� the stuff I know they don't teach in school �

� do you know what I mean? �

� i'm too cool for cool �

Chorus: � he's cool, man, he's too cool �

� well, i'm too cool �

� he's cool, man, he's too cool �

� do you know what I mean? �

� i'm too cool for cool �

� i've got the glasses, the suit �

� and the attitude �

� anybody doubts me, I just say "shoot" �

� I may be young but I ain't no fool �

� do you know what I mean? �

� i'm too cool for cool �

Chorus: � cool. �

( all screaming )

And you didn't want to buy him a guitar.

( whimsical music playing )

� that's our rosey. �