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1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,135
( harmonica wails )
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,039
Man, our hospital
wants us to fill out
3
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:09,508
A lot more of these forms
than when D.J. was born.
4
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,377
I know.
We're just
having a baby.
5
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:14,213
It's not like
we're buying a car.
6
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:16,448
You know, we should do
this later, honey.
7
00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,617
No, there is
no later, Dan.
8
00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:20,285
Due in a week--
9
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:22,688
I can't believe
how fast this pregnancy
went by.
10
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,491
You're kidding, right?
11
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:27,192
No, i'm not kidding.
12
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:29,528
Do you realize
that this could be
our last weekend of freedom
13
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:31,030
- before the baby gets here?
- ( door opens )
14
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,765
God, we gotta go out
and do something.
15
00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:36,168
Here it is, it's
Saturday night. We gotta
go do something tonight.
16
00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:39,138
Hello, losers.
17
00:00:40,473 --> 00:00:42,141
I know what
you're thinking--
18
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,377
"can she possibly own
boardwalk and park place
19
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:48,447
Three weeks in a row?"
oh yes, she can.
20
00:00:49,949 --> 00:00:53,152
Oh yes, she will.
21
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,889
Well, if there's a lonely,
22
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,558
Pathetic, yet bizarrely
chipper woman
23
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,293
Standing in our kitchen
with a monopoly game,
24
00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:03,796
It must be
Saturday night.
25
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,732
Maybe that's how life
looks when you're stuck
on baltic avenue.
26
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,734
But up on the green
properties,
27
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:11,670
Life is sweet.
28
00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,006
I thought you were
giving Fred the baby
on the weekends
29
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,041
So you could have
a social life.
30
00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:18,477
You guys
are my social life.
31
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:24,283
I can't go out
tonight.
32
00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:26,852
I'm feeling all crampy.
33
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,756
Tough-- we're
going out tonight.
34
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,491
This is our last hurrah.
35
00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:34,159
We're gonna go out
to a fancy dinner
36
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,295
And then we'll sleep over
in a fancy hotel--
37
00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:38,997
One where the ice
machine's indoors.
38
00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:43,002
Honey, we'll have plenty
of time to do things
once the baby comes.
39
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,504
No, we're doing it.
And you're wearing
you good suit too.
40
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:47,606
It's in the dryer.
41
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,544
Jackie...
42
00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:57,249
You heard?
43
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,720
I laid out your money
and everything.
44
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,290
Well, this might be
our last chance.
45
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,259
You understand that
now, don't you?
46
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:10,295
I'll give you
each an extra 500 bucks.
47
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:13,198
That's a damn
good deal, honey.
48
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:15,868
No Dan,
we are going out.
49
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:19,204
You know,
we got at least a year
of baby jail ahead of us
50
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:22,408
And that kind of time
really changes a person--
look at her.
51
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:28,514
I rest my case.
52
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:34,586
D.J. ( sing-song )
Deej, my favorite
nephew,
53
00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:37,890
What do you say?
So it's just you can me
tonight, huh? Monopoly.
54
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,225
( snickers ) monopoly?
Aunt Jackie, sorry.
It's Saturday night.
55
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:43,362
- i'm going to the movies.
- great, we'll
catch a movie.
56
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,664
I'm going
with my friends.
57
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,570
All right, you can
drive me to the movies,
58
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:53,439
But you have
to wait in the car
until it's over.
59
00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,910
Then you can drive me
to the ice-cream place,
60
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,411
But you have to wait
in the car there.
61
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,616
Then you can
bring me home.
62
00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:07,419
All right.
63
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,689
Sorry, Roseanne,
I can't play monopoly--
I got plans.
64
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:14,259
( theme music playing )
65
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:54,500
( Roseanne laughs )
66
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:02,741
Darlene: come on, Becky,let's get out of here--
67
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:04,743
I'm starting to smell
like this place.
68
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,246
I gotta at least
make it look like
I cleaned up.
69
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,181
Just write a note
that says "I cleaned up"
70
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:12,017
And put it
on that pile of crap.
71
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:14,420
Hey, check it out.
72
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:19,692
There's a bottle
of peppermint schnapps
with a card for mom.
73
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,761
"dear Leon,
congratulations
74
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,297
On five years
of sobriety."
75
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:33,105
That is the meanest thing
i've ever seen.
76
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,108
Man, she's good.
77
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,979
- you ever had this stuff?
- peppermint schnapps?
78
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,948
I don't think so.
79
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:46,051
Hmm, what are the odds?
It's open.
80
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,820
Darlene...
81
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,589
Oh, relax.
We're saving
a man's life here.
82
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:53,992
Besides, you got
anything better to do?
83
00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:55,828
Well--
84
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,997
Before you answer,
remember-- it's Lanford
and it's 8:30.
85
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:00,799
We're the only ones up.
86
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:09,408
Not bad--
kind of like
a candy cane.
87
00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:12,211
Yep, every burp
is christmas morning.
88
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:25,524
Roseanne.
89
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,727
Good news--
pulled some strings
with the maitre d'.
90
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:32,131
We only have
another hour wait
for a table.
91
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,433
( sighs )
oh well, that's
all right, Dan.
92
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,468
There's plenty to do
in this hotel.
93
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,637
Hey, look at here--
94
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:42,174
"welcome
to josh meyer's
bar mitzvah."
95
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,945
Wow,
96
00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:50,215
Jewish people
in their natural
habitat.
97
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,320
I'm starving.
What do you say we grab
a bite at the coffee shop
98
00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:59,191
And go back
up to that room
I paid $95 for?
99
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,094
That's four times
more than I paid
for this robert hall.
100
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:05,197
Hi, hey hey hey.
Who are those for?
101
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,433
They're
for the meyer
bar mitzvah.
102
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,401
Oh well,
that's us.
103
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,608
Dinner is
starting in five
or 10 minutes.
104
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:18,577
No way, Roseanne.
105
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:22,614
Come on, Dan,
grab a yarmulke.
We're going in there.
106
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:24,616
Today you are
a meyer.
107
00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:27,152
Wait a minute, honey.
108
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,088
It looks
a little dressy.
109
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:44,970
Aha.
110
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:59,485
Don't look conspicuous,
just follow my lead.
111
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:01,420
Shalom.
112
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:04,857
Shalom. Shalom.
113
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,226
Shalom.
Shalom.
114
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,994
Shalom.
115
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:11,630
You don't have to bow.
116
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,766
What are we supposed
to do now?
117
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,501
We'll just mingle, okay?
118
00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:18,704
And if we see a drunk
kid walking around with checks
hanging out of his pockets,
119
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:22,508
We go up and we say,
"mazel tov."
120
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,610
Hi, i'm rabbi farkas.
121
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,712
- how do you know
young josh?
- uh...
122
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:30,482
I'm a friend of a friend
of a friend of his mother.
123
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:33,419
Oh well, what temple
do you belong to?
124
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,921
Temple...
125
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,856
Beth midler.
126
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,530
Really? I've-- i've
never heard of that.
Are you reform?
127
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,399
No, but we're
trying to cut down.
128
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,637
You know, i'm gonna
wear this thing
129
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,972
With a little
southside slide to it.
130
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:59,712
Hi there,
i've been watching you
since you came in.
131
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:03,449
You're so brave.I mean, look at you--
132
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:07,820
Your hair is stringy,
your ankles are swollen,
133
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,422
You are all bloated up.
134
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:13,492
But you are out there
in public anyway.
135
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,761
You're an inspiration,
you know that?
136
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:18,731
An inspiration.
Thank you.
137
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,332
( whispers )
thank you.
138
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:25,237
Well, we're gonna
take a little break now.
139
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,639
We come back,
the meyer family has
requested something
140
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,274
From "fiddler on the roof."
141
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,910
So if you have any requests,
142
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,612
Please don't hesitate.
143
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:36,915
What about something
from "jesus christ superstar"?
144
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:39,618
( laughs )
145
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:42,554
Well, there's one
in every crowd.
146
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,392
Why don't
you come up here,
young lady, huh?
147
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:48,360
Let's give her a hand.
148
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,902
Why don't you
give the first toast
this evening, hmm?
149
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:58,804
Uh, okay.
150
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:01,440
Uh well,
um ahem.
151
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:04,410
Welcome to the uh...
152
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,012
Josh meyer bar mitzvah.
153
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:10,282
And of course you know
josh meyer right here
154
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,285
And that's my husband
marvin here.
155
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,991
He signs everything
I say for the deaf.
156
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:27,266
Man:
dinner is served.
157
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,268
Man, look at them
grab up the food.
158
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:32,604
Oh, man, these are
our people, Dan.
159
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:34,673
They do make a fellow
feel at home.
160
00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:37,643
Excuse me, pardon me.
My wife is having
a baby. Excuse me.
161
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:40,913
- honey.
- thank you.
162
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,615
- what do we got here?
- we've got lox and kugel,
163
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:46,885
Kreplach, knishes
and kasha varnishkes
with gravy.
164
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:50,322
Man, I thought
they only liked
chinese food.
165
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:53,892
Let me have
some of that varnish
with gravy there.
166
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,963
Yeah, that's
delicious.
167
00:09:57,964 --> 00:10:00,499
Good thing I don't know
what it is or I probably
couldn't eat it.
168
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,267
Just like at home.
169
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,270
You know,
they're way better
in the old testament.
170
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,939
Is it okay
if we sit here?
171
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:12,811
Only if you got
cigarettes.
172
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:15,848
Well, don't you think
it's a little unhealthy
to be smoking at your age?
173
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:18,584
Aw, shut up!
174
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:24,823
I've been to 306
of these things!
175
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,892
- okay,
mother, let's stop.
- out of here!
176
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:28,894
Let's stop, i'll get you
a beautiful cigar
177
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:31,163
In the gift shop.
Come on.
178
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:34,033
( screaming )
179
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:39,004
Hey, what do you two
think you're doing?
180
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:41,907
Oh god, don't panic,
just eat fast.
181
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,609
You're gonna go
the whole night
182
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,477
Without saying hello
to your uncle sol?
183
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,348
- you're shlomo, right?
- no, i'm not,
184
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,984
I just had
a couple of drinks
up in the room.
185
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,988
He doesn't recognize us.
186
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,823
I can't believe
you don't recognize us--
187
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,225
First no shower gift
and now this?
188
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,194
You think I don't
recognize you?
189
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,029
You think
I would have sent this
through the mail?
190
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:06,065
I wanna deliver it
in person.
191
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,834
I wanna give
$100 to the baby
for college.
192
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:13,605
I'm having twins.
193
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:18,010
She's kidding,
uncle sol.
194
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,012
You're such a kidder.
195
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,082
She's been a kidder
since she was a baby.
196
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,084
Say, isn't that,
um...
197
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,885
Marilyn and marty?
198
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:29,388
Yeah. What, do they
think they're gonna
go the whole night
199
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,357
Without saying hello
to their uncle sol?
200
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,726
Say you two--
you think you're gonna
go the whole night
201
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:36,595
Without saying
hello to uncle sol?
What is the matter with you?
202
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,531
( speaks yiddish )
203
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:44,203
He was always
my favorite uncle.
204
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:48,140
I'm hot.
I'm always hot
at these things.
205
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,808
Forget about hot.
206
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:52,177
I can hardly hear
a thing over
that band.
207
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:55,714
My fork is too short.
Did you get a short fork?
208
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,983
You know,
the kugel was
awful.
209
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,651
I spit it in a napkin
210
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:02,254
And put it
on larry's plate.
211
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,424
You know, i'm
really hot myself.
212
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,559
Get a load
of her highness.
213
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,362
Total lift, she had
her eyes done,
214
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,698
And it's not
her real nose.
215
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,906
Man, these people
are completely rude
216
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,242
For no reason.
217
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,444
I love it here.
218
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:28,947
- hey, these
are free, right?
- as many as you want.
219
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:32,351
- I love it here too.
- see?
220
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:36,355
I gotta admit it, honey--
I am having a good time.
221
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,457
And look over there--
it's game for the kids,
222
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,959
It's skee-ball.
223
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,796
Make that
the best time
of my life.
224
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,403
So what do you like
better, Becky,
225
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,639
Schnapps and coffee,
schnapps on the cake
226
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,841
Or schnapps
over ice cream?
227
00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,045
Okay.
228
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:03,615
( snickers )
man, you are
schnapp-faced.
229
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,886
What the hell are
you doing back there?
230
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:10,823
Just a little
meat sculpture.
231
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,429
Guess who this is.
232
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:20,299
( mimics Roseanne )
"Darlene, Becky,
233
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,769
My back's itching
right in the center!"
234
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:26,672
Oh my god, it's mom.
235
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:29,141
It's mom tartare.
236
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,177
How long do you think
it would take...
237
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:35,381
To cook mom's head?
238
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,983
Two and a half hours
at 350�.
239
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,985
I've thought
about it a lot.
240
00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:44,923
Whoa!
Check out
that guy.
241
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:48,427
Nice!
Ow, baby!
242
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,295
Yeah-ah!
243
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,865
Jeez, Becky, put it
back in your pants.
244
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,334
Aw, he even didn't
look over.
245
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,870
What-- what's that about,
anyway, Becky?
246
00:13:57,871 --> 00:14:00,706
I mean, he was
okay-looking, but you've
got Mark at home
247
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:03,676
- and Mark is--
- Mark is what?
248
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:07,513
Your husband, right?
That's where I was
going with that.
249
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,248
Say it, say it, say it.
250
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:12,518
He's gorgeous, okay?
There, I said it.
251
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,554
Mark is a gorgeous man.
Now hand me a knife.
252
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:18,157
I must gut myself
like a fish.
253
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,394
He is gorgeous,
isn't he?
254
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,997
But, you know, it's
kind of a trade off.
255
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:28,400
I mean, he's not
exactly the greatest
conversationalist.
256
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,569
Maybe that's
your fault.
I mean,
257
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,571
When he speaks,
you should try
rewarding him
258
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,506
With little treats.
259
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:38,077
Well, he's not
that bad.
260
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:42,014
You always make him sound
like he's the dumbest
guy on the planet.
261
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:44,950
( snickers )
well, name someone
dumber.
262
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,288
Oh yeah, like I know
everyone on the planet.
263
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,759
Well, if you know he's
not the brightest guy
in the world,
264
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,362
What's gonna happen
with you guys
265
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:59,198
- in like 10 years?
- what do you mean?
266
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,001
Well, mark's not gonna
be gorgeous forever.
267
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:06,638
Summer turns into fall,
young elvis turns into
bloated elvis...
268
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:10,376
Well, he's more
than just looks,
Darlene.
269
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:13,245
He's sweet and gentle,
270
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,614
Doesn't run around,
271
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,550
He's perfectly happy
spending quiet evenings
272
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,586
At home with me
and...
273
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,888
( sobs )
just because we have
nothing in particular
274
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:25,924
To talk about
ever...
275
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,360
Doesn't mean we don't have
a wonderful marriage.
276
00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:34,199
( register clanks )
277
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,604
Here-- there's
no kleenex.
278
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,539
Thanks.
279
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:45,010
Well, if you feel
this bad about it,
Becky,
280
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,012
You should do
something.
281
00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:49,548
I don't know.
Mark is Mark
282
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,417
And what can I do?
283
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,419
Renovate him.
284
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,654
I mean, that's what
she did with dad.
285
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,424
He used
to have no goals
and a menial job
286
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:00,826
And-- well, now,
287
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,928
He can bowl 200.
288
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,930
I don't know if I can.
289
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:08,634
I mean,
mom is so much
stronger than me.
290
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,569
Just look at her.
291
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,673
Come on, Becky,
you're as strong
as she is.
292
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,710
Wow, this is weird.
293
00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:19,712
You're
like helping me,
294
00:16:19,713 --> 00:16:22,281
Advising me
to stay with Mark.
295
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:24,416
God, we never do this,
296
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:27,553
We never
talk to each other
like people.
297
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,955
Yeah. Well,
that's mom's fault.
298
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:32,024
We'd be friends
by now if she'd let us
start drinking
299
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,126
When we were kids.
300
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:43,068
- so josh, do you like
the girls yet?
- not really.
301
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,805
We'll, you're a man today.
You better get off the pot.
302
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,674
I better get back.
Nice meeting you.
303
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,342
Hey wait, josh.
Before you go,
304
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,144
Since it's your, uh,
305
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,980
Special day,
here-- go ahead,
pick a present.
306
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,786
- I guess
i'll take the pen.
- oh, good choice.
307
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,088
That's from the hotel here.
308
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:08,360
Yes! Iceman for
the charity stripe!
309
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,030
How about
high-fives, guys?
310
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,599
( kids cheering )
311
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,235
They love me.
312
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,704
Kids love anything
they can climb on, Dan.
313
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,241
My neck's sore, Dan.
Will you rub my neck?
314
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:26,111
That would mean putting
down either my food
or my drink.
315
00:17:26,112 --> 00:17:28,047
Well then, never mind.
316
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,449
I couldn't help
overhearing,
317
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,352
I'm a chiropractor.
Come by my office
tomorrow,
318
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,455
- i'll fix you up.
- you don't want
a chiropractor.
319
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,624
Trust me, i'm
an orthopedic
surgeon.
320
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:41,026
If it's really
bothering you,
call my office.
321
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:44,997
If that's the result
of an accident, call me.
I'm a lawyer.
322
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:47,566
I will fight
for you.
323
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,469
Sylvia and murray.
324
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:52,304
- ( chuckles )
- that's us.
325
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,173
No, that's them.
326
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:58,143
They don't know you
and the rest of the people
don't know you either.
327
00:17:58,144 --> 00:18:00,746
Oh, I know what
this is all about.
328
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,148
Because I married
a gentile, isn't it?
329
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:05,384
You snuck in here,
didn't you?
330
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,153
Yeah, sorry,
uncle sol.
331
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:10,055
My brother-in-law
is paying for this.
332
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,191
- we're going.
- no, you're staying.
333
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,193
I hate
my brother-in-law.
334
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:17,529
Sit, eat,
drink, take home
a centerpiece.
335
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,499
Hey, all right.
Bar mitzvahs rock!
336
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,236
You call this
a bar mitzvah?
337
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,705
He spent $20 a head.
338
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,707
On my son's bar mitzvah,
339
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,677
I don't wanna
tell you what I spent--
I spent $30 a head.
340
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:36,015
Who loves
their son more?
341
00:18:36,016 --> 00:18:38,017
So when is the baby due?
342
00:18:38,018 --> 00:18:39,985
Any minute now.
343
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,788
I became a grandfather
about six weeks ago.
344
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,556
The baby is colicky--
345
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,225
Baby won't sleep
through the night
346
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,027
And half the time
the baby won't even eat.
347
00:18:48,028 --> 00:18:49,795
Wow, man,
that's the worst.
348
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,197
Yeah, my daughter
and her husband are
going out of their minds.
349
00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:55,467
- oh, god,
I bet they are.
- ( thumps )
350
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,437
You know,
I need another drink.
351
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,075
You know something?
352
00:19:03,076 --> 00:19:05,444
In 20 years
they'll forget
they didn't sleep.
353
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,446
The only thing
they'll remember is
354
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:10,916
Just this--
this will be the only
thing that they'll remember.
355
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,919
- oh, look at those eyes...
- uh-huh.
356
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,821
...And that little mouth.
357
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:18,223
Yeah, the nose
will come later.
358
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,994
Oh, hey, before you put
your wallet away,
359
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,996
- here.
- no no no,
360
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,799
That's for the baby.
When uncle sol
gives a gift,
361
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,335
It stays given.
362
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:32,404
Well, I always wanted
a rich uncle.
363
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:34,340
Well, i'm comfortable.
364
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,675
Yeah?
Are you married?
365
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,445
I'm a widower--
actually twice.
366
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,246
I think i'm a jinx.
367
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,484
Man, i'd love
for you to meet
my mom.
368
00:19:49,089 --> 00:19:52,157
Say, i've got another nephew
who's gonna have a bar mitzvah
in a couple of weeks.
369
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,727
- i'll see you there.
- you got it.
370
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,496
Bye, uncle sol.
371
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,832
So long, shlomo.
372
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,535
Okay, I am.
373
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,740
Uh, I guess
we'd better go soon.
374
00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:09,942
Why? We were
having a good time.
375
00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:11,810
Now you're
all grumpy again.
376
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,479
They get colicky,
Roseanne.
377
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,348
They need to be fed
every 10 minutes...
378
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,917
And burped,
and changed,
379
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:22,988
And fed again and burped
and changed
380
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:27,393
And fed and burped.
You were right, honey--
381
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:32,031
Our days are
definitely numbered.
382
00:20:32,032 --> 00:20:34,800
Thank god you dragged me out
for one last hurrah.
383
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,802
'cause the next six months
are gonna be hell.
384
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,640
They're gonna be
fantastic, Dan.
Let's go dance.
385
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:43,308
I don't get it--
386
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,978
A few hours ago
you were calling it
baby jail.
387
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:48,781
Oh yeah, I know, I know.
But, you know,
388
00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:51,250
Remember the way
they uh...
389
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:54,019
Wrap their hand
around your finger
390
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:57,322
And the way they look
when they smile the
first time,
391
00:20:57,323 --> 00:21:00,192
The way they smell
after they've had a bath.
392
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:03,429
It's a pretty cool
jail, actually.
393
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:07,866
Yeah... The way they pop
their little eyes open
for the first time
394
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:10,369
And look at you
like they've got
a bum deal.
395
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:13,872
- that's the coolest.
- yeah.
396
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,342
Well, I am gonna
miss this--
397
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:19,778
Just us, leisurely like--
398
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:22,448
I mean, it's all gonna
be about the baby
for a while.
399
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:24,116
I'm gonna miss you.
400
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,686
- well, we've still
got tonight.
- mm-hmm.
401
00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:30,255
And we're up
100 bucks.
402
00:21:42,102 --> 00:21:45,104
One, two, three, four--
chance.
403
00:21:45,105 --> 00:21:48,207
Chance!
"pay luxury tax."
404
00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:55,080
"advance to go."
405
00:21:55,081 --> 00:21:58,484
Oh, i'll collect
my 200 simoleons
406
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:00,619
If you don't mind.
407
00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:03,655
Now your roll,
little doggie.
408
00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:06,358
You're coming down
my street now.
409
00:22:07,427 --> 00:22:10,262
Ooh! Oh, boardwalk
410
00:22:10,263 --> 00:22:12,898
With a hotel!
411
00:22:12,899 --> 00:22:15,300
I'm a little short.
Do you think you can
help me out?
412
00:22:15,301 --> 00:22:17,603
Well, I could,
413
00:22:17,604 --> 00:22:20,205
But I won't.
414
00:22:21,608 --> 00:22:24,810
Sorry, pooch,
it's a dog-eat-dog world.
415
00:22:25,879 --> 00:22:28,047
She's killing us!
416
00:22:28,048 --> 00:22:29,982
I'm dead. I am dead.
417
00:22:29,983 --> 00:22:32,518
You have been so lucky.
418
00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:34,486
It's a sad sad tale
419
00:22:34,487 --> 00:22:35,487
Of the lucky
and the dead.
44121
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