Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

...Two.

Th...

Three.

- hi. - shh.

Choppers, radar?

Okay, good, it's quiet.

I've been driving andy around in the car.

It took me 45 minutes to finally get him to nap.

The motion of the car lulls him to sleep.

Yeah, we used to go for drives when our kids couldn't sleep too.

Of course, we never wrecked it by bringing them with us.

Just trying to make your babysitting job a little easier, Roseanne.

Okay, a couple things.

Oh great, the list.

At least i'll have something to look at while i'm on hold

With the poison control center.

You can see i've divided things into three categories:

Food, sleep and recreation.

Jackie, food and sleep are recreation.

Okay, first under "food," andy is not allowed

To have cheese, preservatives, fat or sugar.

I wasn't planning on cooking for the kid.

So i've got celery sticks, carrot sticks and rice cakes,

And if you just stick to this diet, then he's not gonna fuss.

He doesn't need all this fiber, Jackie.

He's barely got a colon.

Bye-bye, sweetie. I'd better go.

If he wakes up early, you wanna get him back to sleep,

Then you can either say, "moomie wuvs boo-boo"

Or you say, "boo-boo, tickie tickie tickie."

Well, she's gone. You can quit faking it.

- ( coos ) - I thought so.

Tickie tickie, that's all you're getting, kid.

Here, I know what you want.

No no no. Wait a minute.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Well, it doesn't say anything about fondue.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

Hi hi, "tout la monde."

Especially you, snickle fritz.

I purchased some glorious fabric

For the nursery windows.

It took me all morning. Goodness, i'm practically winded.

You just can't get good quality fabric

Since the war.

Well, I guess for me,

It's curtains. ( laughing )

You know, it's kind of like living near the airport.

After a while, you just don't hear it anymore.

Hi.

Jeez, Deej, whatever it is you got in your jacket,

I hope it's not that virus-infected monkey

- the whole town's been looking for. - leave me alone.

Yeah, what's under there, huh?

Mom doesn't have you defrosting a roast again, does she?

I'm not gonna show you what it is.

You're just gonna make fun of me.

Son, they're already making fun of you.

Okay.

Hey, it's your pictures from photography club.

Look at this. We're all in here.

Yeah, we were supposed to capture the true essence of our subjects.

- hey, what's this one? - that's darlene's fist.

Oh yeah, you can see the scabs

Where the knuckles have dragged on the ground.

Jeez, d.J., it's really rude to take a picture of someone's butt.

Oh, i'm sorry. That's becky's face.

Here's a good shot of you, Mr. Conner, sitting in your chair

In front of the tv with a cold beer in your hand.

No empties on the floor... Must have just started.

Hey, Roseanne, come on in and look at d.J.'s photo album.

- it's really good. - Roseanne: bring it in the kitchen.

No, you come in here.

Come on, Dan, just this once do it my way.

Come on, I had a long shift today.

- i'm pregnant. - i'm tired.

Do you really want me to come in there?

( coughs ) good thing I needed another beer.

Here, check it out.

Oh, i've always wanted pictures of the family.

Hand me a pen there. Mustache time.

There I am.

Pretty nice shot, huh?

You're just kind of sitting like a lump in your chair

- with a beer. - yep.

Just like in the high-school yearbook.

Let's see what other action poses he's got me in.

Well, it looks like that's it.

Guess you haven't given him much opportunity for a photo shoot

Ever since your synchronized-swimming group broke up.

I'm sure there must be some others.

He was supposed to capture the essence of his subject.

Well, now here you are in your chair with a beer.

I think that about covers it.

I don't get it. Is this all he thinks of me?

He's got two pictures of the mailman in here.

Well yeah. Well, the mailman has two sides, you know?

Here he is delivering the mail and then here he is picking up the mail.

It's not funny. D.J. Thinks i'm a lump.

Well, then do something about it.

- like what? - do I have to put on a harry chapin album

For you, Dan? Spend time with him.

Yeah, maybe.

Couldn't hurt to spend some time with the boy,

Show him i'm every bit as complex as the mailman.

D.J., get in here.

What boy wouldn't want to learn what his dad's all about?

I don't know-- little skippy hitler.

Buddy, you and I are gonna have some fun.

Ow! How many of those has he had?

Guess what? We're spending the afternoon together.

Why, what did I do wrong?

- what are you guys up to? - we're gonna throw the old ball around a little bit.

Thought i'd show d.J. What made the old man

Third team all-state.

Help me.

Yeah, so grab the ball there, bottom shelf.

I'll show you how to throw a perfect spiral.

And you're ready to go.

- are we through? - no, we're going to the store. We're gonna buy a ball.

- do we have to? - yes, it'll be fun.

- but I don't want to go-- - get in the car!

All right, just don't hit me again.

How's my little andy? How's my babe?

Have you been goody good?

Yes, all except for that one little incident with the matchy matches.

Oh, baby.

( sniffing ) my god.

Honey-- Roseanne...

My child has oreo breath.

Well, relax. That's just 'cause we were drinking

An oreo-flavored liqueur.

You gave him oreos?

Roseanne, what about my list?

I specifically asked you not to feed him any junk food.

Hey, you could spit and you could swear

And you can even take the lord's name in vain,

But you will not come in my house and refer to oreos as junk food.

I am serious, Roseanne.

How would you feel if you left instructions

For the care of your child,

And somebody just ignored 'em?

If I had never raised a kid, and I left him with somebody who had raised three,

- i'd feel pretty damn good about it. - well, somehow I don't.

Hey, you're getting him back alive,

And that wasn't even on your list.

I don't care about andy being alive.

Calm down, Jackie. I used to do stuff like that

And give my kids cookies all the time.

Maybe that's the reason your kids turned out the way they did.

What the hell's wrong with my kids?

Nothing if you're trying to reverse the process of evolution.

If that's the way you feel about it,

Maybe you shouldn't bring your kid around here anymore.

Maybe that is fine with me. Maybe I don't want my kid

Turning out the way yours did-- like smart-ass high-school-dropout

Trailer-trash

Dark-clothes-wearing

Boyfriends- in-the-basement

Too-soon-sex-doing

Four-letter-wording hoodlum oreo eaters.

That's what you are, the whole family.

The whole lot of you, oreo eaters. And you--

You are the oreo-iest.

Hi, guys. How's it going?

Hey, thanks for the ride.

- how are things at home? - i'll pick you up at 7:00.

How's mom doing? Is she okay?

'cause, you know, I was just wondering.

Hey, 7:00's great. Maybe we can catch a movie.

Okay okay, I see your point.

I see exactly what's going on here.

Okay, what's going on here?

We heard what you said to mom about us yesterday.

Oh, god. I've got this voice

That carries.

What's wrong with andy turning out like us?

Come on, guys, you gotta know I didn't mean that, right?

Guys!

Look, you really hurt us, okay?

I didn't mean to hurt you. I meant to hurt your mom.

But you've taken something really beautiful

Like hurting our mom and turned it into something ugly.

( laughs )

Good one, Darlene.

So I can see that you're not really that upset with me

'cause you're still joking with me, right?

Actually, i'm still a little upset.

I mean, I don't know how i'm gonna be at waiting on customers.

Becky, you say no more because i'm gonna take over your shift.

Now you two get on out of here and go have some fun.

I was kind of counting on that money.

Fine, you can have my tips.

Well, gee, I mean, that'll make Becky feel better, I guess.

It's... $26.

- it's all I got. - cool, bye.

- see ya. - okay okay.

I love you guys. I love you two.

Oh my god, I hope andy doesn't turn out like them.

This is where it all happens, d.J.

This is the hub of the Lanford transportation department.

If you see me sitting in that chair at home,

It's because i've spent a long day here working diligently.

- hey, that lady on that calendar's naked. - well...

Can't blame her, d.J. August is the hottest month.

D.J., where'd you get the shiner?

- dad threw a ball at me. - to you, to you.

Hey, how about it, Deej?

Why don't you climb up in an official city vehicle?

Dad, I ride in one of these every day.

You're kidding. Where do you go?

Hey, I bet you've never seen this part of the bus.

Whoa, this stuff is huge. You fix this?

Better yet, i'm the supervisor.

I got seven guys under me,

And they better do what I say or else.

I'll write 'em up

And 18 infractions later, there'll be a hearing.

So you just sit in a chair and watch guys fix stuff?

Well yeah, the way a king sits on his throne

And watches his knights

Fix stuff.

Mark, what are you doing?

I'm making a sugar trail for the ants, and they're going for it,

The stupid bastards.

That's like 50 feet of ants. Can I try?

Mark, don't you have something better to do?

I guess I could go shoot staples into a spider web.

- i'm coming with. - hold on, boy, you're here with me.

And you haven't seen how we get around those e.P.A. Rules

On the disposal of toxic materials.

- do I have to? - yeah, come on, it'll be great.

Go on outside.

The water out there has all the colors of the rainbow.

I wanna go back to school.

- do you want a root beer? How about a root beer? - yeah, I guess.

Heads up.

- ( thuds ) - ow!

That was your good eye, wasn't it?

And I also found the most delightful wallpaper

- for the nursery. - no, mom, you always do this.

We only wanted you to do the curtains.

Piff-bibble. I couldn't help myself.

I just fell in love with these jolly jolly clowns.

They're so antic,

Like they just came tumbling out of a little tiny car.

It's something the baby can remember me by.

She'll remember you every Saturday

When the whole family goes dancing on your grave.

That doesn't bother me, dear.

I know those are just your pregnancy hormones talking.

My hormones actually wanna kill you, mom.

And they're out in the front yard right now looking for a big stick.

Water off a duck's back. Quack quack quack.

- the coast clear? Is she gone? - when did you come in?

About 40 minutes ago. I was just waiting till mom left.

Well, if you're looking for my kids, the girls are turning tricks

At the trailer court.

And d.J.'s out back skinning rabbits.

Roseanne, wait,

I came over here to apologize.

I was way over the line about your kids.

I think they're terrific,

And I also think that you're a really good mom.

Really? Oh.

Well, maybe my kids are a little screwed up.

I mean, i'll admit that.

But if they are, it's all dan's fault, you know?

Did you know he hit d.J. With a ball?

So I just wanted you to know

That I was sorry.

Yeah well, i'm sorry too.

I really should have followed your list.

Thanks for saying that, Roseanne. See, that makes me feel so much better.

It's like you respect my mothering.

Yeah, I mean, he's your kid.

If you tell me to put him in a pink dress and tap shoes,

I should do it.

Well, no, I mean, that would be a silly thing.

The things on my list aren't silly.

Those are serious parenting issues that i've researched

And feel strongly about.

Whatever.

If it's on the list, I oughta do it.

No, 'cause there's this odd tone

In your voice there that seems to be belittling the list,

Like there's something keeps getting caught in your throat

That is most likely holding back laughter

Inside the rest of you.

No, that's not laughter back there, Jackie.

That's a little piece of oreo.

I was right about the oreo.

No, you weren't. You are totally totally going overboard about this.

It's one crummy cookie and I already had ate the middle out of it.

Oh!

It is symptomatic of something more serious, Roseanne.

You substitute cookies and candy

And junk for love.

- oh, please. - you do.

I am willing to admit I have got a lot to learn

About being a mother, but so do you.

I had a lot to learn.

And I learned it and now i'm done.

That is such a...

Ha! That's what that is.

A "ha!"

Jackie, stop it. Stop this instant.

Stay out of it, old woman.

I will not have you upsetting Roseanne

When she's in this fragile state.

You tell her, mom,

And she keeps looking at me too.

Just get out of here, Jackie,

With all your hatred and anger. Shoo! Shoo!

Don't touch me, mom!

Accidents happen.

I can't understand why she's doing that.

Now you just get all comfy,

And mother will make it all better.

She's not one of us, mom. She never was.

Are we done,

Or is there a bag of nails you'd like to show me?

No, son, you're free. Go run with the ants.

He hates me. I couldn't be duller.

You could golf.

Going to the garage was a huge disaster.

So I tried taking him to other places

That might capture my essence--

The bowling alley, the lobo.

I even took him to the quarry where I used to go swimming.

You never used to swim at the quarry.

At that point I was making stuff up.

It's a lost cause.

I'm giving up.

I'm just gonna relax and grab a beer...

Mother: ding ding ding. It's the good-humor woman.

In canada.

- ice cream, yay! - I have to admit it.

I kinda like it when you and Jackie have a tiff.

It gives me a chance to do some mothering of my own.

I almost forgot--

A crumbled cookie on top.

When you were a little girl,

This would always comfort you when you were upset.

So tell me, mom...

Did you ever try any other ways

To comfort me?

You know how it is with kids.

When you find something that works, you stick with it.

Yeah, so why try anything else?

Right, mom?

If i'm cooking dinner,

I'd better go to the store.

Ta-ta.

Hello, Jackie, I know you're not home yet.

I just wanted to say i'm sorry about the oreo stuff.

I was wrong.

Maybe i'm not a perfect mother.

Maybe I still have a whole bunch of stuff to learn.

Bye.

( orchestral music playing on tv )

( sighs )

So your eye still hurt?

No, not all the time. Just when I look at stuff.

Well, I guess i'll go outside

And clean the shovels.

A man's nothing without clean shovels.

Oh, not pepe le pew.

Hey, come on, son. Don't knock pepe le pew.

- I wanted road runner. - I can understand that.

The road runner's done some fine work,

But he's more for the masses.

Le pew, on the other hand, demands more from his audience.

- really? - oh, absolutely.

For instance, the discerning viewer will always ask himself,

"how will the black cat get the white stripe down her back this time?"

- hmm. - well, don't just watch, think.

Something's gonna scare her and part of her fur's gonna turn white.

Ah-ah-ah, you failed to notice those workmen painting that stripe

Down the middle of the street.

You're good, dad.

( french accent ) but of course.

Aren't you gonna sit down?

Well yeah, maybe for a couple cartoons,

But if that news comes on, i'm out of here.

( cans hiss )

( theme music playing )