Original subtitles

Hi, Leroy.

Who was that?

No idea.

She's from Hexthorpe. You met her at Brenda's party.

You got your hair fast in her earring.

I was leaning forward to admire her...

..necklace.

You slid your nose all the way down her blouse.

She exaggerates.

Look, not a mark.

In my day, you were lucky if you found time

to get your nose in a book.

Come here, let me have a look.

Yes, I can see it. Look.

36 Double D.

What time is it? I'll have to get back to the shop.

You're already here, dopey.

Well, in the flesh anyway.

I know how you feel though. Been twisting and turning all night.

I've heard you twisting customers.

That is called creative shopkeeping.

They enjoy it really, you know.

It makes them think they're a vital part of the economy.

Oh, so it's a public service?

Yes. I like to think so.

Anyway, it's the thought of Madge leaving and taking Mavis with her.

Stay cool. They haven't left yet.

No. But she's planning on it though, isn't she?

Yes, I know.

That's how I feel.

Go on, go back to bed Arkwright.

Have a lie-in.

It's only me! Are you decent?

I asked if you were decent. I got no reply.

You came in anyway.

Well, cautiously, with my eyes half shut

ready to close them instantly had you been flaunting your masculinity.

It's a bit early for a flaunt.

As you can see, I'm quite decent.

Tell me, at what time would one have to come to catch you otherwise?

This is not an ambition.

I'm merely trying to establish a benchmark

to avoid any embarrassment.

Why do you think I would slop about the place half dressed?

- It's not to my taste. - Good.

The late Mr Featherstone was only too ready to slip out of his things.

Claimed he was saving me the washing.

You'll never guess what I found here beneath the counter.

- Hello, Mavis. - Hello, Leroy.

Yes, I was just trying to convince this young lady

about the advantages of not leaving the area.

Your tie's twisted.

Probably my fault. I grabbed it when I felt the shock.

Yes, there's a live wire down here.

There was a minute ago!

Control him, Mavis. Don't let him blow a fuse.

My tie is always at your disposal.

I think I tightened your knot.

You do every time!

Listen, you've got to talk your Madge out of leaving.

She's got her mind set on that little business.

I know. Wait a minute, she's superstitious, isn't she?

We could tell her that Mrs Duckett up the road is psychic,

and she says no because she's had this message from the other side

saying, "Don't go near that little business."

Eh? Hmm?

I'll never remember all that.

Don't worry, I'll write it down for you.

You know what she's like.

The only one who could ever talk sense to our Madge was Grandpa.

She loved her grandpa.

And I suppose now we need him, he's dead.

I don't think he did it on purpose.

Delphine.

Do you think we're well matched?

Don't be so silly, of course we are. Absolutely. No question.

I'm glad we've got that cleared up.

Well?

What do you suggest we do?

About what?

What are your plans for our day?

Our day?

All day?!

Don't let me make all the decisions. Exert yourself.

What would you like to do?

I thought you might like to take me out to lunch.

Why don't I take you out to lunch?

What a good idea.

You see, you can do it.

Right. Where do I dump this?

Crab apple jelly you've had since Guy Fawkes were a lad.

Dump? Dump?

That's been much maturing very nicely.

It's probably ready for sale now.

Let's see. Give it here.

Home-made crab apple jelly.

Lovely.

You won't find quality like this for sale at Harrods.

Last time you brought it out it didn't sell. It was too sour.

In the trade we call that a refreshing astringency.

It's probably matured. It's much sweeter now.

Here you are.

There you go. Try that.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Oh, that's sour.

It could take the enamel off your teeth, that.

Just think how they'll love it when the taste wears off.

We don't want you to move.

We've got used to your bad-tempered ways.

Thank you. I shall miss your mouth too.

But it's an opportunity.

You said that when you got married.

I only got married the once.

Everybody can make a mistake.

More than once if you play your cards right.

How is Mr Newbold these days?

Responding nicely to a firm hand. He's taking me out to lunch.

He looks so slim.

Does he have much of an appetite?

Nothing I can't handle.

And how's he handling you?

It's a big jump from stamp collecting straight to you.

I don't allow big jumps.

And anyway, he's not ready. We've not done with mortal fear.

- Right. - You said, did we have a photo of Grandpa?

Yes, I want to see this one man who had such influence over Madge.

Oh. It's a lot of hair for one face, isn't it, eh?

You could get two faces in there.

- Where's Gastric? - You're asking me?

I don't know where I am half the time!

- Where should he be? - He should be here.

- He said he was checking the car. - And he's probably checked it.

Then off he goes, leaves the keys in, engine running.

Charming!

You get him flustered. You know you do.

You're always barking at him.

You have to. They're so unreliable.

I'm shocked.

That you should think that you have ever been misled

by any product that has been sold from this establishment.

It feels more like every product.

But hey, no hard feelings.

We understand it's your job to sell and ours to resist.

- To be rock hard. - You see this?

This is me stone face.

Nobody gets any rubbish past...

Me stone face.

All right. You don't want any Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly?

All right. Fine. Thank you very much. Good day.

Hey, hang on a minute.

Aren't you going to tell us it's good for heart disease

or vitamin deficiency?

And not to mention the magical effects

it would have on our love life.

- Funny you should mention that, because... - Forget it.

No sale. Not this time.

Told you. Stone face.

I've just had a funny experience.

Lucky you. I get one all the time.

She could have run me over.

That's the one. All the time.

Do you think she were trying to tell me something?

You can't tell them anything. It never gets through.

They've got this anti-missile shield. It's impenetrable.

Maybe she were playing with me.

I like it. My Madge with a sense of humour.

Oh, they can smile.

Even Mrs Featherstone can smile.

But behind it...

..there's this thing...

..and it's drawing me in.

Waste not want not.

They said that in the old days, didn't they?

Here we go. Look at that. Right, now.

- Mrs Featherstone. - I can't stop. I've got Mr Newbold outside.

Well, bring him in.

No, let him wait outside, worrying about what you and I are up to.

- We're not up to anything. - Well, I'm ready when you are, Granville.

He's taking me out to lunch. I don't know what he has in mind for after.

A girl has to be so careful.

Have you never had the urge, Granville?

I think it's all that stuff that they put in the water, you know.

No. No, to take me out to lunch.

I usually snatch a bite behind the counter.

Oh, you wicked rogue.

You know how to tempt a girl.

No, you know, snack in one hand, busy with the other.

There you go again.

You'd be very cramped behind this counter, Mrs Featherstone.

You'd be surprised where a widow of my experience can fit.

Good Lord, is that the time? Look.

Time? You've still a little time before Mr Newbold snatches me up,

but I don't know how long I can keep him at bay.

He's out there now. His hormones raging.

- Have you any of them... - No. - Yes.

Yes.

Hey, old witch's recipe?

He's struggling now. We shook him up.

Can you believe he'd believe any muffin would fall for that?

The old witch's recipe? You don't see that down at the Co-op.

All I can say is, he deserves it.

Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly.

She was famous, you know in the Don Valley.

People used to come from miles around.

After overindulging on this stuff,

the witches used to throw wild parties.

Naked.

By moonlight.

In the forest.

Naked? In the forest?

Must be strong stuff.

Did they do this moonlight thing regularly?

Every second Tuesday.

There wouldn't be a moon every second Tuesday.

They brought their own.

These were ladies, you know, with extraordinary powers.

Old Mother Hemlock once lifted Rotherham 40 feet into the air.

Of course, it was a lot smaller in them days.

And you know all this because?

Witches used their corner shops.

Witches gossiped and grocers kept records.

And you've seen these records?

Yes, in the Grocers Museum,

where you can actually read a weekly order of a witch

by the name of Miserable Meg.

If she was going to naked raves in the forest,

what would she be miserable about?

You ride on a broomstick for a couple of hours and see how YOU feel!

I thought witchcraft was illegal.

Yes, but they used to claim they were Avon ladies.

You may well ask, what difference Old Mother Hemlock's recipe

makes to this otherwise ordinary product.

Let me guess. As if we didn't already know.

I bet we're talking astonishing improvements to our emotional lives.

No, let him finish.

I've nothing against astonishing improvements to my emotional life.

Well, me neither. If they work.

In fact, I think I could say you'd be looking at guaranteed

repeat custom if there was any damn chance they'd work.

Does this stuff work?

George Clooney. Need I say more?

- Really? - On toast every morning.

Benedict Cumberbatch, he leans more towards a muffin.

What's in this recipe of Old mother Hemlock's?

It's a secret. She took it with her.

- To her grave? - No, to Chesterfield.

They owed her money so she bent their spire.

- Have you decided yet? - What are you having?

Why don't you tell me?

If I get it wrong you'll growl at me.

Growl?

And that's in a good mood.

Don't be silly, we're an item.

- Why would I growl at you? - Why?

You don't need a why, just a target.

I think you're frightened of me.

I freely admit you keep me on the edge of panic.

There you are, you see. We were meant for each other.

Now, why don't you tell me what you see me choosing to eat?

Me.

Say hello to Grandpa.

Needs more hair.

I've sold six jars of that stuff to a complete stranger.

Yet, Eric and Cyril are still playing hard to get.

What are you looking for?

Dr Proctor's additive.

I'll nail those two yet.

IS there a Dr Proctor's additive?

There is now.

And if anybody asks? What does it consist of?

A trade secret.

Available only to grocers of the third mystery...

..and above.

Do you think grocers go to heaven?

If there's a sale on!

Right, now, the gentleman who just left,

he doesn't need this little reservoir of magic.

He'll be fine with just his crab apple jelly.

Romance is heading his way.

And why is it heading his way?

Because he is a believer.

He believes in the power of Old Mother Hemlock's recipe.

Told you. A muffin.

Hey, we shouldn't laugh.

Whereas you more cynical types,

you unbelievers,

you will need this.

Which is what?

Dr Proctor's additive for nervous lovers.

Nervous?

Who's nervous?

How much?

Well, you saw it.

Midweek, and they were fairly busy.

It's a nice little business.

- I don't like the area. - You don't know the area.

I know I don't like it.

You didn't like here when we first came.

- I missed the parrot. - What parrot?

Mr Griffiths liked me to call in and talk to his parrot.

You're barmy.

I'll still be barmy if we move.

And what about Gastric?

- Won't you miss Gastric? - Fat lot there is to miss.

He walks off and leaves the car unattended.

Perhaps he got called away. It could have been an emergency.

He is an emergency.

I wish Grandpa was here.

He'd tell you not to make a move at your time of life.

Don't you give me advice. You talk to parrots.

It made more sense than you.

£14 for that?

One single drop is all you need and there must be what,

100 drops in there.

That's less than a penny a pop.

And what does one do with a single drop?

You add it to a teaspoonful of crab apple jelly...

..and then you wait.

At £14 a bottle, who wants to spend a load of time waiting?

You said hair, you've got hair.

Pull it back a notch, will you?

What's he doing?

Don't ask.

He's waiting for you to ask.

There'll be a plot.

He said you add one drop and then you have to wait.

I was going to ask him what exactly would we be waiting for.

The trigger.

The trigger that sets this dynamite combination fizzing and working.

That rockets you and your chosen one into a romantic orbit.

Hang on.

We pay for crab apple jelly

and Dr Proctor's additives for swinging lovers,

and now you tell us we need a trigger.

Yes, but the trigger comes absolutely free.

In fact, you've probably got one at home already.

Any Frank Sinatra album.

What I really had in mind was you to be Grandpa's ghost.

I know what you had in mind. You can do your own dodgy work for once.

No, there's nothing dodgy about it, is there?

All you had to do was to let Madge catch a glimpse of you,

you know, dressed like this.

No, no.

What we've got to do is let Madge

catch a glimpse of you dressed like this.

Yes, I know.

So, what will I have to do?

As soon as Madge is driving past you have to make sure

that she sees you standing here alone.

Where are you going?

I shall be here until Madge drives past.

So if you're here when she goes past, how come I'm alone?

Because I'm not here, am I? You can't see me.

No-one can see me, except Madge.

I'm losing this somewhere.

Once she passes,

I will go and hide

so that you can stand here alone.

Let's get on with it.

What are you hiding for?

It's because I don't exist, do I?

I'm not here. I've never been here.

Are you with me?

How can I be with you if you're not here?

Do you believe in ghosts?

I've never seen one.

You have now.

You're looking at one. You're speaking to one.

Well, if they're all like you

there's going to be some tricky shopping going on over there.

Listen, all you've got to remember is when I've gone...

Your Leroy'll get the business.

- Eh? - I'll still be a customer, no problem.

No, it won't be a problem for you, will it?

I'm glad that you're taking it so calmly.

Well, we've all got to go sometime.

I love your unshakeable steadiness in the face of my mortality.

We'll give you a good send-off.

I expect your Leroy will have a looser arm than yours

on the refreshments.

He better not, otherwise....

What are we talking about? Let's stick to the point.

Madge is going to come galloping up here

and she's going to say to you, she's going to say,

"Who was that man standing next to you?"

And you are going to say, "There was no man standing next to me."

Correction. I think I'm losing it everywhere.

Why are we just driving round?

Maybe we're not driving round. Maybe I'm lost.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

- Ay up. - Right.

What's that old fool waving at?

She ignored me in daylight.

Wait till she sees Grandpa in the dark.

Have you thought you might scare her to death?

Really?

No, that's too much to expect.

All right, never mind. Switch the lights off and we'll give it a test.

I told you. You're scaring me to death.

That's Madge's door.

Behind that door is a woman I could care about.

If only she'd stop thinking I were a wally.

Don't go all lonely hearts and dreamy on me, will you?

It's romantic. First time I've ever been with her in the dark.

Listen, you won't be with her at all if she leaves the area.

Now, we've got to make sure that she listens to Grandpa's warning.

- Right. - Right.

I never had a grandpa.

- You must have had a grandpa. - No.

He said he were only looking after Grandma for a friend.

Oh... Look, save your sad stories, will you, for Madge.

Just check the light's working.

Argh! That's scary!

You know it's only me.

It's not the "only me" you want to meet in the dark. Switch it off.

I can't see where we are now. Put your torch back on again.

You just asked me to switch it off.

Well, put it on again. This time I won't look.

Right, there.

Hey, dustbins. Let's make a noise with them.

- That'll attract Madge's attention to the back door. - Right.

DUSTBINS CLATTER

I've come back from the grave.

Don't leave.

SCREAMING

Oops, that's not Madge's door.

You are a wally!

FRANK SINATRA: # Come fly with me

# Let's fly, let's fly away... #

Eric, turn that thing down!

Well, I've had my five minutes in the spotlight.

Didn't get a lot of applause.

Some of the ladies round here can drain your battery.

Good job there were no police about.

They could have had me for no red light at the rear.