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1
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Hi, Leroy.
2
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Who was that?
3
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No idea.
4
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She's from Hexthorpe. You met her at Brenda's party.
5
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You got your hair fast in her earring.
6
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I was leaning forward to admire her...
7
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..necklace.
8
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You slid your nose all the way down her blouse.
9
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She exaggerates.
10
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Look, not a mark.
11
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In my day, you were lucky if you found time
12
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to get your nose in a book.
13
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Come here, let me have a look.
14
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Yes, I can see it. Look.
15
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36 Double D.
16
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What time is it? I'll have to get back to the shop.
17
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You're already here, dopey.
18
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Well, in the flesh anyway.
19
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,760
I know how you feel though. Been twisting and turning all night.
20
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I've heard you twisting customers.
21
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That is called creative shopkeeping.
22
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They enjoy it really, you know.
23
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It makes them think they're a vital part of the economy.
24
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Oh, so it's a public service?
25
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,040
Yes. I like to think so.
26
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,960
Anyway, it's the thought of Madge leaving and taking Mavis with her.
27
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Stay cool. They haven't left yet.
28
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No. But she's planning on it though, isn't she?
29
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Yes, I know.
30
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That's how I feel.
31
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Go on, go back to bed Arkwright.
32
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Have a lie-in.
33
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It's only me! Are you decent?
34
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I asked if you were decent. I got no reply.
35
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You came in anyway.
36
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Well, cautiously, with my eyes half shut
37
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ready to close them instantly had you been flaunting your masculinity.
38
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It's a bit early for a flaunt.
39
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As you can see, I'm quite decent.
40
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,960
Tell me, at what time would one have to come to catch you otherwise?
41
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This is not an ambition.
42
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I'm merely trying to establish a benchmark
43
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to avoid any embarrassment.
44
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Why do you think I would slop about the place half dressed?
45
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- It's not to my taste.
- Good.
46
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The late Mr Featherstone was only too ready to slip out of his things.
47
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Claimed he was saving me the washing.
48
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,320
You'll never guess what I found here beneath the counter.
49
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- Hello, Mavis.
- Hello, Leroy.
50
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Yes, I was just trying to convince this young lady
51
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about the advantages of not leaving the area.
52
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,840
Your tie's twisted.
53
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,920
Probably my fault. I grabbed it when I felt the shock.
54
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,920
Yes, there's a live wire down here.
55
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There was a minute ago!
56
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,840
Control him, Mavis. Don't let him blow a fuse.
57
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My tie is always at your disposal.
58
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I think I tightened your knot.
59
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You do every time!
60
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:39,920
Listen, you've got to talk your Madge out of leaving.
61
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,720
She's got her mind set on that little business.
62
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,280
I know. Wait a minute, she's superstitious, isn't she?
63
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:52,040
We could tell her that Mrs Duckett up the road is psychic,
64
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and she says no because she's had this message from the other side
65
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:03,120
saying, "Don't go near that little business."
66
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Eh? Hmm?
67
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I'll never remember all that.
68
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Don't worry, I'll write it down for you.
69
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You know what she's like.
70
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,640
The only one who could ever talk sense to our Madge was Grandpa.
71
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She loved her grandpa.
72
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And I suppose now we need him, he's dead.
73
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I don't think he did it on purpose.
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Delphine.
75
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,640
Do you think we're well matched?
76
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,920
Don't be so silly, of course we are. Absolutely. No question.
77
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I'm glad we've got that cleared up.
78
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,600
Well?
79
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,640
What do you suggest we do?
80
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,320
About what?
81
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,080
What are your plans for our day?
82
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,560
Our day?
83
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All day?!
84
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:57,160
Don't let me make all the decisions. Exert yourself.
85
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,040
What would you like to do?
86
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,320
I thought you might like to take me out to lunch.
87
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,160
Why don't I take you out to lunch?
88
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What a good idea.
89
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,440
You see, you can do it.
90
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,880
Right. Where do I dump this?
91
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,000
Crab apple jelly you've had since Guy Fawkes were a lad.
92
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,480
Dump? Dump?
93
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,480
That's been much maturing very nicely.
94
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,760
It's probably ready for sale now.
95
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,840
Let's see. Give it here.
96
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,920
Home-made crab apple jelly.
97
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,400
Lovely.
98
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,480
You won't find quality like this for sale at Harrods.
99
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,360
Last time you brought it out it didn't sell. It was too sour.
100
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:57,360
In the trade we call that a refreshing astringency.
101
00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,400
It's probably matured. It's much sweeter now.
102
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,000
Here you are.
103
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,720
There you go. Try that.
104
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,760
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
105
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,440
Oh, that's sour.
106
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,560
It could take the enamel off your teeth, that.
107
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,480
Just think how they'll love it when the taste wears off.
108
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,800
We don't want you to move.
109
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We've got used to your bad-tempered ways.
110
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Thank you. I shall miss your mouth too.
111
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,880
But it's an opportunity.
112
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You said that when you got married.
113
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I only got married the once.
114
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Everybody can make a mistake.
115
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More than once if you play your cards right.
116
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,880
How is Mr Newbold these days?
117
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Responding nicely to a firm hand. He's taking me out to lunch.
118
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He looks so slim.
119
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,560
Does he have much of an appetite?
120
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,240
Nothing I can't handle.
121
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,520
And how's he handling you?
122
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,800
It's a big jump from stamp collecting straight to you.
123
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I don't allow big jumps.
124
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,840
And anyway, he's not ready. We've not done with mortal fear.
125
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,440
- Right.
- You said, did we have a photo of Grandpa?
126
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Yes, I want to see this one man who had such influence over Madge.
127
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,560
Oh. It's a lot of hair for one face, isn't it, eh?
128
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You could get two faces in there.
129
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,320
- Where's Gastric?
- You're asking me?
130
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,640
I don't know where I am half the time!
131
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,000
- Where should he be?
- He should be here.
132
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- He said he was checking the car.
- And he's probably checked it.
133
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Then off he goes, leaves the keys in, engine running.
134
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Charming!
135
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,120
You get him flustered. You know you do.
136
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You're always barking at him.
137
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You have to. They're so unreliable.
138
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I'm shocked.
139
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That you should think that you have ever been misled
140
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by any product that has been sold from this establishment.
141
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It feels more like every product.
142
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But hey, no hard feelings.
143
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:33,200
We understand it's your job to sell and ours to resist.
144
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- To be rock hard.
- You see this?
145
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This is me stone face.
146
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Nobody gets any rubbish past...
147
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Me stone face.
148
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All right. You don't want any Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly?
149
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All right. Fine. Thank you very much. Good day.
150
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,240
Hey, hang on a minute.
151
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Aren't you going to tell us it's good for heart disease
152
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or vitamin deficiency?
153
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And not to mention the magical effects
154
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it would have on our love life.
155
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- Funny you should mention that, because...
- Forget it.
156
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No sale. Not this time.
157
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Told you. Stone face.
158
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I've just had a funny experience.
159
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Lucky you. I get one all the time.
160
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She could have run me over.
161
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That's the one. All the time.
162
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Do you think she were trying to tell me something?
163
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You can't tell them anything. It never gets through.
164
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They've got this anti-missile shield. It's impenetrable.
165
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Maybe she were playing with me.
166
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I like it. My Madge with a sense of humour.
167
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Oh, they can smile.
168
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Even Mrs Featherstone can smile.
169
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But behind it...
170
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..there's this thing...
171
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..and it's drawing me in.
172
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Waste not want not.
173
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They said that in the old days, didn't they?
174
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Here we go. Look at that. Right, now.
175
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- Mrs Featherstone.
- I can't stop. I've got Mr Newbold outside.
176
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Well, bring him in.
177
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No, let him wait outside, worrying about what you and I are up to.
178
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- We're not up to anything.
- Well, I'm ready when you are, Granville.
179
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He's taking me out to lunch. I don't know what he has in mind for after.
180
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A girl has to be so careful.
181
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Have you never had the urge, Granville?
182
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I think it's all that stuff that they put in the water, you know.
183
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No. No, to take me out to lunch.
184
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I usually snatch a bite behind the counter.
185
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Oh, you wicked rogue.
186
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You know how to tempt a girl.
187
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No, you know, snack in one hand, busy with the other.
188
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There you go again.
189
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,080
You'd be very cramped behind this counter, Mrs Featherstone.
190
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You'd be surprised where a widow of my experience can fit.
191
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,560
Good Lord, is that the time? Look.
192
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Time? You've still a little time before Mr Newbold snatches me up,
193
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,960
but I don't know how long I can keep him at bay.
194
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He's out there now. His hormones raging.
195
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,880
- Have you any of them...
- No.
- Yes.
196
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Yes.
197
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,120
Hey, old witch's recipe?
198
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,600
He's struggling now. We shook him up.
199
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,880
Can you believe he'd believe any muffin would fall for that?
200
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:17,560
The old witch's recipe? You don't see that down at the Co-op.
201
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,000
All I can say is, he deserves it.
202
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,760
Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly.
203
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,040
She was famous, you know in the Don Valley.
204
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People used to come from miles around.
205
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,120
After overindulging on this stuff,
206
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the witches used to throw wild parties.
207
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Naked.
208
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By moonlight.
209
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In the forest.
210
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,240
Naked? In the forest?
211
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Must be strong stuff.
212
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:58,520
Did they do this moonlight thing regularly?
213
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Every second Tuesday.
214
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There wouldn't be a moon every second Tuesday.
215
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They brought their own.
216
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,040
These were ladies, you know, with extraordinary powers.
217
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,280
Old Mother Hemlock once lifted Rotherham 40 feet into the air.
218
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,280
Of course, it was a lot smaller in them days.
219
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,080
And you know all this because?
220
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,440
Witches used their corner shops.
221
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,760
Witches gossiped and grocers kept records.
222
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,560
And you've seen these records?
223
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,480
Yes, in the Grocers Museum,
224
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:43,240
where you can actually read a weekly order of a witch
225
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,400
by the name of Miserable Meg.
226
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,280
If she was going to naked raves in the forest,
227
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,120
what would she be miserable about?
228
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You ride on a broomstick for a couple of hours and see how YOU feel!
229
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,720
I thought witchcraft was illegal.
230
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,480
Yes, but they used to claim they were Avon ladies.
231
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You may well ask, what difference Old Mother Hemlock's recipe
232
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makes to this otherwise ordinary product.
233
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,120
Let me guess. As if we didn't already know.
234
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,160
I bet we're talking astonishing improvements to our emotional lives.
235
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,920
No, let him finish.
236
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,920
I've nothing against astonishing improvements to my emotional life.
237
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,680
Well, me neither. If they work.
238
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,040
In fact, I think I could say you'd be looking at guaranteed
239
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,240
repeat custom if there was any damn chance they'd work.
240
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,880
Does this stuff work?
241
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,360
George Clooney. Need I say more?
242
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,120
- Really?
- On toast every morning.
243
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:54,000
Benedict Cumberbatch, he leans more towards a muffin.
244
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,800
What's in this recipe of Old mother Hemlock's?
245
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,480
It's a secret. She took it with her.
246
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,520
- To her grave?
- No, to Chesterfield.
247
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,400
They owed her money so she bent their spire.
248
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,920
- Have you decided yet?
- What are you having?
249
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,840
Why don't you tell me?
250
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,360
If I get it wrong you'll growl at me.
251
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,280
Growl?
252
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,160
And that's in a good mood.
253
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,600
Don't be silly, we're an item.
254
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,120
- Why would I growl at you?
- Why?
255
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,360
You don't need a why, just a target.
256
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,960
I think you're frightened of me.
257
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:45,040
I freely admit you keep me on the edge of panic.
258
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,960
There you are, you see. We were meant for each other.
259
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:52,760
Now, why don't you tell me what you see me choosing to eat?
260
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,000
Me.
261
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,960
Say hello to Grandpa.
262
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,920
Needs more hair.
263
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:17,160
I've sold six jars of that stuff to a complete stranger.
264
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,720
Yet, Eric and Cyril are still playing hard to get.
265
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,560
What are you looking for?
266
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,640
Dr Proctor's additive.
267
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,000
I'll nail those two yet.
268
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,880
IS there a Dr Proctor's additive?
269
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,840
There is now.
270
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,320
And if anybody asks? What does it consist of?
271
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,520
A trade secret.
272
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,960
Available only to grocers of the third mystery...
273
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,240
..and above.
274
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,240
Do you think grocers go to heaven?
275
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,360
If there's a sale on!
276
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:07,120
Right, now, the gentleman who just left,
277
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,640
he doesn't need this little reservoir of magic.
278
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,400
He'll be fine with just his crab apple jelly.
279
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,560
Romance is heading his way.
280
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,440
And why is it heading his way?
281
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,480
Because he is a believer.
282
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:28,400
He believes in the power of Old Mother Hemlock's recipe.
283
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,640
Told you. A muffin.
284
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,520
Hey, we shouldn't laugh.
285
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:45,600
Whereas you more cynical types,
286
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,800
you unbelievers,
287
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,560
you will need this.
288
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,200
Which is what?
289
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,440
Dr Proctor's additive for nervous lovers.
290
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,800
Nervous?
291
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,880
Who's nervous?
292
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,880
How much?
293
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,320
Well, you saw it.
294
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,200
Midweek, and they were fairly busy.
295
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,840
It's a nice little business.
296
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,240
- I don't like the area.
- You don't know the area.
297
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,120
I know I don't like it.
298
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,760
You didn't like here when we first came.
299
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:31,160
- I missed the parrot.
- What parrot?
300
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,200
Mr Griffiths liked me to call in and talk to his parrot.
301
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,800
You're barmy.
302
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,560
I'll still be barmy if we move.
303
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,920
And what about Gastric?
304
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,560
- Won't you miss Gastric?
- Fat lot there is to miss.
305
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,080
He walks off and leaves the car unattended.
306
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,680
Perhaps he got called away. It could have been an emergency.
307
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,960
He is an emergency.
308
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,440
I wish Grandpa was here.
309
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,640
He'd tell you not to make a move at your time of life.
310
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,240
Don't you give me advice. You talk to parrots.
311
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,320
It made more sense than you.
312
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,960
£14 for that?
313
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,240
One single drop is all you need and there must be what,
314
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,240
100 drops in there.
315
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,040
That's less than a penny a pop.
316
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,120
And what does one do with a single drop?
317
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:28,680
You add it to a teaspoonful of crab apple jelly...
318
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,240
..and then you wait.
319
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,120
At £14 a bottle, who wants to spend a load of time waiting?
320
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:39,640
You said hair, you've got hair.
321
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,480
Pull it back a notch, will you?
322
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:47,840
What's he doing?
323
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480
Don't ask.
324
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,640
He's waiting for you to ask.
325
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,760
There'll be a plot.
326
00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,320
He said you add one drop and then you have to wait.
327
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:04,440
I was going to ask him what exactly would we be waiting for.
328
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,080
The trigger.
329
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:11,960
The trigger that sets this dynamite combination fizzing and working.
330
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:18,600
That rockets you and your chosen one into a romantic orbit.
331
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,400
Hang on.
332
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,160
We pay for crab apple jelly
333
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,360
and Dr Proctor's additives for swinging lovers,
334
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,880
and now you tell us we need a trigger.
335
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,440
Yes, but the trigger comes absolutely free.
336
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,800
In fact, you've probably got one at home already.
337
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,880
Any Frank Sinatra album.
338
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:05,240
What I really had in mind was you to be Grandpa's ghost.
339
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,880
I know what you had in mind. You can do your own dodgy work for once.
340
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,840
No, there's nothing dodgy about it, is there?
341
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,440
All you had to do was to let Madge catch a glimpse of you,
342
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,760
you know, dressed like this.
343
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,160
No, no.
344
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,040
What we've got to do is let Madge
345
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,520
catch a glimpse of you dressed like this.
346
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,240
Yes, I know.
347
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,040
So, what will I have to do?
348
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,240
As soon as Madge is driving past you have to make sure
349
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:38,800
that she sees you standing here alone.
350
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,960
Where are you going?
351
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,320
I shall be here until Madge drives past.
352
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,080
So if you're here when she goes past, how come I'm alone?
353
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,360
Because I'm not here, am I? You can't see me.
354
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,520
No-one can see me, except Madge.
355
00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,800
I'm losing this somewhere.
356
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,000
Once she passes,
357
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,680
I will go and hide
358
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,480
so that you can stand here alone.
359
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,000
Let's get on with it.
360
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,120
What are you hiding for?
361
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:16,280
It's because I don't exist, do I?
362
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:20,200
I'm not here. I've never been here.
363
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,440
Are you with me?
364
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,760
How can I be with you if you're not here?
365
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,320
Do you believe in ghosts?
366
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,680
I've never seen one.
367
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,320
You have now.
368
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,720
You're looking at one. You're speaking to one.
369
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,000
Well, if they're all like you
370
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,800
there's going to be some tricky shopping going on over there.
371
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:52,200
Listen, all you've got to remember is when I've gone...
372
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,000
Your Leroy'll get the business.
373
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,840
- Eh?
- I'll still be a customer, no problem.
374
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,440
No, it won't be a problem for you, will it?
375
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,200
I'm glad that you're taking it so calmly.
376
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,160
Well, we've all got to go sometime.
377
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:16,200
I love your unshakeable steadiness in the face of my mortality.
378
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,160
We'll give you a good send-off.
379
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,120
I expect your Leroy will have a looser arm than yours
380
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,880
on the refreshments.
381
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,120
He better not, otherwise....
382
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,040
What are we talking about? Let's stick to the point.
383
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,240
Madge is going to come galloping up here
384
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,960
and she's going to say to you, she's going to say,
385
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,800
"Who was that man standing next to you?"
386
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:43,640
And you are going to say, "There was no man standing next to me."
387
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,000
Correction. I think I'm losing it everywhere.
388
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,800
Why are we just driving round?
389
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,920
Maybe we're not driving round. Maybe I'm lost.
390
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,680
Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
391
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,720
- Ay up.
- Right.
392
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,520
What's that old fool waving at?
393
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,840
She ignored me in daylight.
394
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:31,120
Wait till she sees Grandpa in the dark.
395
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,840
Have you thought you might scare her to death?
396
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,360
Really?
397
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:39,720
No, that's too much to expect.
398
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:45,000
All right, never mind. Switch the lights off and we'll give it a test.
399
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,360
I told you. You're scaring me to death.
400
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,040
That's Madge's door.
401
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,440
Behind that door is a woman I could care about.
402
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,960
If only she'd stop thinking I were a wally.
403
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,360
Don't go all lonely hearts and dreamy on me, will you?
404
00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:16,080
It's romantic. First time I've ever been with her in the dark.
405
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,920
Listen, you won't be with her at all if she leaves the area.
406
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:30,240
Now, we've got to make sure that she listens to Grandpa's warning.
407
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,000
- Right.
- Right.
408
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,520
I never had a grandpa.
409
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,320
- You must have had a grandpa.
- No.
410
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,600
He said he were only looking after Grandma for a friend.
411
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,600
Oh... Look, save your sad stories, will you, for Madge.
412
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,000
Just check the light's working.
413
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,000
Argh! That's scary!
414
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,680
You know it's only me.
415
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,280
It's not the "only me" you want to meet in the dark. Switch it off.
416
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:08,240
I can't see where we are now. Put your torch back on again.
417
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,200
You just asked me to switch it off.
418
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,680
Well, put it on again. This time I won't look.
419
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,040
Right, there.
420
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:20,120
Hey, dustbins. Let's make a noise with them.
421
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:24,160
- That'll attract Madge's attention to the back door.
- Right.
422
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,320
DUSTBINS CLATTER
423
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,200
I've come back from the grave.
424
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,000
Don't leave.
425
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,400
SCREAMING
426
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,520
Oops, that's not Madge's door.
427
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,520
You are a wally!
428
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,920
FRANK SINATRA: # Come fly with me
429
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,840
# Let's fly, let's fly away... #
430
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:59,120
Eric, turn that thing down!
431
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,440
Well, I've had my five minutes in the spotlight.
432
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,840
Didn't get a lot of applause.
433
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,840
Some of the ladies round here can drain your battery.
434
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:20,120
Good job there were no police about.
435
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:23,600
They could have had me for no red light at the rear.
32954
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