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BELL DINGS
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Hmm.
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You're taking crude commercial advantage of me.
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You look great.
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I look like a banana.
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You look as though you're born to be a banana.
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Look, what we're doing here is we are creating customer interest.
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You say "we," but look who's wearing this thing.
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You're playing the lead in this production.
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Oh, well, I am flattered that you think I've got the emotional range
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to be a convincing banana.
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Listen, today a banana, and tomorrow, who knows?
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Hey, I've got this image of a stick of celery.
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Oh!
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Oh!
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CASH REGISTER RINGS
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COINS JINGLE
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Come on.
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HE LAUGHS
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Come on.
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Oh! Wait, wait for it.
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You may.
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Go on.
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Oh!
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All right, Arkwright, don't get overexcited.
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Let's try and keep it civilised, hey?
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It too early to be civilised.
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It's only half past barbarian.
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You, you should be jumping out of bed in the morning
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thirsting to get to grips with your first customer.
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Yesterday that was Mrs Lewis.
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Oh, right, I take your point.
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Anyway, Leroy, you're not showing enough keenness.
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Just remember that one day all of this will be yours.
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You're going to leave all of this to a banana?
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Stop moaning. It worked, though, didn't it?
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Yeah, for you. All I got was greenfly!
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BELL DINGS
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I suppose we ought to be grateful it's not a four by four.
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We can't leave it outside, it'll get nicked.
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To you this is just a tandem, but to us, she's... Well, she's family.
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She shares our pain.
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You know, I've always thought the best way to ease pain is a bit of
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therapeutic spending.
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Messrs Arkwright and Son extend a warm welcome
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to practising members of the consumer society.
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Didn't you used to be a banana?
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I'm trying to forget.
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Would you mind telling me what you come in for,
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- and get that thing out of here.
- We want energy snacks.
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Healthy bites for athlete reaching for the limits.
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Aye, something to see us through the agony.
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Well, I've got granary bars.
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Sugar-free whole-wheat crunches.
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Bacon buttys.
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Thought you'd never ask.
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Oh, nice job, Gastric.
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I'm not usually that sure about anything.
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Oh, I knew you'd like it. She'll find fault.
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Did you wipe the floor mats?
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Both sides. You could eat a meal off them.
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So that's how you learned your table manners.
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I've been thinking, Madge...
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Don't strain yourself for me.
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Close your clacker a minute and listen to what he's got to say.
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We should go out for a meal sometime, I'd get dressed up,
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- you wouldn't know me.
- I don't know you.
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You ought to get out more, Madge, get a life.
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A meal with him?
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I've seen him at work on a sandwich.
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It'll be all right if I stay off things that splash.
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You could splash walnuts.
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- Don't give up.
- No way, I'm making progress. She used to ignore me.
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Now she insults me to my face.
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THEY LAUGH
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Is this loaf fresh?
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This crust is dry.
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Dry, hard, and a specially designed by our leading brain scientists
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to keep out the crumb fly.
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That's a new one on me, crumb fly.
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But you've seen the trail that it leaves, haven't you?
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You know, the crumbs everywhere.
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We all find crumbs.
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And I bet you've scolded your husband, haven't you,
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for leaving crumbs about when all the time it's been the crumb fly?
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I wouldn't say scold.
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I make him clean them up.
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And I suspect he hasn't heard of crumb fly, either.
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He will have heard of the saying, "Oh, crumbs,"
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which dates back to the great plague of the crumb fly in 1460 something
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or other, when they had to evacuate Birmingham.
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Well, I've never seen one.
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Well, of course, you won't, Madame, will you? Because it...
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Pardon me. ..takes a professional.
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But you're sure there's none in this loaf?
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Well, how about I give it another run through my crumb fly detective
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- for you?
- I'd feel better.
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Yeah. Won't be a moment.
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Excuse me.
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SQUEAKING
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There we are.
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Guaranteed crumb fly free.
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That'll be 10p, but worth it just for the peace of mind,
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- don't you think?
- How do these flies manage to stay unseen?
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You never know that they've been, because they work in gangs.
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See, they come along and they send one of the gang into the bread,
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and he's in there, sorting it out,
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and he's throwing the crumbs out, like that,
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to his mates that are on the outside.
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They're very organised.
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You're looking at the insect equivalent of five O-levels.
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Anyway, that's £1.50, plus 10p for the test.
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When do I get to ride in front?
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When you're ready for that amount of responsibility.
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I'm ready to change this saddle.
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This thing's got attitude.
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Well, it's no picnic in the hot seat.
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It's me who takes the full impact of any collision.
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Then, I recommend we don't have one.
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You'll be safe behind me, while I'm out on a limb here,
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on top of which I had to the navigating.
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- Wait! What are you...what are you playing at?!
- Argh!
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Argh!
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Get off me.
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Oh!
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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
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What happens when I go brown and start turning to mush?
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There's nothing looks worse than yesterday's banana.
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Why are you wearing dark glasses?
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- You think I want to be recognised?
- Come along, man up.
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We don't want to be known as people who are selling bananas of low
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self-esteem, do we?
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What's your worst nightmare?
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- You know that, it's the black widow.
- Good luck for mashed bananas.
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No, no, let me, you let me in, you swine, you...
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BELL RINGS
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Was that a banana I saw you with, Granville?
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Stick to your own kind, we peel just as easily.
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- How is Mr Newbold?
- Beating a path to my door.
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Sometimes he overwhelms me. How long before he gets his
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forceful, masculine way?
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I can't see you being overwhelmed, Mrs Featherstone.
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I saw you frightening a policeman.
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A perfect stranger and he told me I was speeding.
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No, no, Granville, there is a timid female inside here waiting for
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someone who has the nerve to explore.
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Grab me, Granville, before its too late.
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Oh, oh, excuse me, I've got to check my reserve stock.
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Oh, oh, you've got a wicked way with words.
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Secure me now, before Mr Newbold becomes the fourth Mr Featherstone.
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He's a good man. He deserves to be happy,
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but you should marry him anyway.
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Well, don't think you could have me as a bit on the side if I marry.
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Although, I would recommend that you check that decision periodically.
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Why? Why do they want to go round Britain by tandem?
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They're blood brothers. It's a symbol of their male bonding.
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Two spirits, joined as one, in search of action and adventure.
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THEY LAUGH
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- I think it's great.
- You thought him you married was great.
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I didn't like to contradict him.
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Well, no wonder your marriage failed.
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Did you try being nasty? That gets far better results.
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- Hey, we're not all as gifted as you.
- I don't do so badly.
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- Ask anybody.
- Ask gastric. You're rotten to him.
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Gastric was designed for punishment.
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I always thought you got more by being nice.
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So, what did I get?
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- Pregnant.
- There's nice and there's nice.
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I know that now!
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I always found being unpleasant was the best form of contraception.
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I used to fake a runny nose and sniffle a lot.
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- That worked for me.
- I thought you were poorly.
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I know, I was good, wasn't I?
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You don't need any tricks, you just say no.
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- Don't they sulk?
- Of course they sulk, get used to it.
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It's all right for you, you've got somebody amiable.
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I always used to settle for well-trained.
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You'd have been fast tracked for promotion in the SS.
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I applied, but they had no vacancies.
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Mine looked really good on our wedding pictures.
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Really happy.
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Thanks to the best man.
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Oh, you thought it was your husband's best friend.
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I did. Especially when he ran off with him.
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Are you going to read those or are they just so you can come in,
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- and annoy me?
- Bit of both.
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When are we going out for a meal?
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Never.
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Oh, as soon as that, better wash my hair.
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"The Handbook Of Western Philosophy."
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I was going to wait for the movie, but...
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All right.
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- Hello, Mavis.
- Hello, Granville.
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Alone at last.
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Not for long, I bet.
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You're just in time to see my collection of Victorian cheese slices.
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You certainly know how to tempt a person.
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I wonder how many girls have gone wrong
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falling for an invitation like that.
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I can't imagine.
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But let's see if we can add one.
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They warn you against everything but cheese slices.
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I have an admission to make.
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I don't actually have a collection of Victorian cheese slices.
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So I've been tricked and misled?
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Oh, well,
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feels all right so far.
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And it could get better.
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You'd talk me into anything.
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I've forgotten what I came in for now.
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You see, I now have a dilemma.
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Because I don't have a collection of Victorian cheese slices,
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I wonder what it is we're going to do.
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Don't ask me.
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You know what I'm like at decisions.
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Fortunately, I do have an idea.
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Is this the idea that's just getting interesting,
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and somebody comes into the shop?
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That's the one. And then I serve them like lightning.
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And I'm straight back.
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BELL RINGS
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DOOR CLOSES
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Don't go away.
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Yes, yes, Mr Newbold, what can I get you?
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- Very quickly.
- I'm here with a sizeable order.
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- I've made a list.
- Right, OK, leave it with me, off you go,
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and I'll get it sent round to you.
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No. No, I need it now, I want to take it with me.
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But, you see, I've got certain logistical problems that require my
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attention in the warehouse.
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Can't you attend to me first? Can't they wait?
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Well, they do depend on the size of your, you know,
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your list. All right.
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Have a look.
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Three, four...
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Oh!
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Erm...
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Oh.
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Oh, hello, Mavis, are being attended to?
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The short answer is no.
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- Me, neither.
- He said he'd be straight back.
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I think I'm in love with a librarian.
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Is that wise?
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They probably read in bed.
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I'm never going to find out.
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She won't look at me because I eat meat.
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Only at mealtimes.
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Emergency rations, Granville.
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That's why all the tinned stuff.
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My door's going to be firmly locked against allcomers.
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I shall be unavailable.
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Locking yourself in with Mrs Featherstone.
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Sealing off your little love nest.
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Way to go, Mr Newbold.
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00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,360
Locking her in? I'm looking her out.
256
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:41,720
A man's house is his castle, and I'm pulling up the drawbridge.
257
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,560
I'm barricading me in.
258
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,320
I was coming back from town.
259
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,680
They passed me on the tandem, wobbling.
260
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,920
It's what they do best.
261
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,000
You have to admire their ambition, though.
262
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,320
Also, I do feel obliged to point out some wives might find the magic
263
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,560
returning at the sight of their husbands
264
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,560
dressed head to toe in Lycra.
265
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,760
I must have missed it.
266
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,640
DOOR CLOSES
267
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,680
Oh! Get me a chair.
268
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,760
With a cushion on it.
269
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,960
Where's the other idiot?
270
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,560
Coming. He'll need a cushion, honey.
271
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,800
Two cushions.
272
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,120
BELL RINGS
273
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,920
Hey, I've had three good rollickings
274
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,000
from that Madge today already.
275
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,640
I'm really getting her attention now.
276
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,200
Hey?
277
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,680
Hello? Is there anybody there?
278
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,640
Nod once for yes.
279
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,520
Mrs Featherstone.
280
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,880
No, the way you can tell is I'm not in a frock.
281
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,040
No, but I can tell you what I mean, trouble.
282
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,640
You were so far gone, I could have shoplifted anything.
283
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,560
- You what?
- You were miles away.
284
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:20,520
Yeah, not enough miles between me and the threat I'm under.
285
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,840
The weights and measures been checking you again?
286
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,440
No, no, it's worse than that.
287
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,200
It's the black widow.
288
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,280
I've got to get her and Mr Newbold back together again.
289
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,320
Do you think he fancies her?
290
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,440
Of course he fancies her.
291
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,160
It's just that he doesn't know that yet.
292
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,800
But watch this space.
293
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,400
Careless. Has he forgotten I'm coming?
294
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,920
Black mark, Newbold, this won't do.
295
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,880
KNOCKING ON DOOR
296
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,720
Is he going deaf?
297
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,960
Is he concealing it from me?
298
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,080
You see how they suck you in, pretending they're fit for purpose.
299
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,720
Why didn't you tell me?
300
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,680
What other little disabilities are you going to spring on me?
301
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,800
Is this why you have never sprung on me?
302
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:42,360
Oh, men! Who can you trust?
303
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,080
Shame on you, Newbold!
304
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,720
Ooh.
305
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,480
Wait a minute.
306
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:53,040
This is not the Newbold I know and can turn to jelly.
307
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,920
I see what it is.
308
00:18:55,920 --> 00:19:00,600
He's afraid to tell me in case...in case it drives me away.
309
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,680
Oh, bless him.
310
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,920
All is forgiven.
311
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,160
Unless it's something very unsightly.
312
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,920
It is I, Wilburn, your Delphine.
313
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,880
You know what Mr Newbold's problem is, don't you?
314
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:32,280
Well, he sees Mrs Featherstone as a tough old bat.
315
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,280
That could be because she is a tough old bat.
316
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:39,760
Yes, on the surface. But does he know what lies beneath?
317
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,240
Does he know that she was once an exotic dancer,
318
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:48,240
who went by the name of Roxy Thong?
319
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,080
Mrs Featherstone?
320
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,640
- Yeah.
- Get over.
321
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200
She performed mainly in Europe.
322
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,280
That's why we don't know about her here.
323
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,400
She drove them mad in Germany, you know.
324
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,600
She did things with three balloons that you could not believe.
325
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,880
HE GRUNTS AND STRUGGLES
326
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,480
Right, I've got you.
327
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:26,320
There. Who did that? That's Leroy.
328
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,880
BELL RINGS
329
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,320
DOOR CLOSES
330
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,720
Right, stay there, don't go away.
331
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,960
Good day to you, Mrs Thong.
332
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,000
- "Thong"?
- Featherstone.
333
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,720
You said "Thong."
334
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,520
Did I say? Why did I say "Thong"?
335
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,560
Perhaps we could go to a quieter place,
336
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,120
and tease out the roots of that Freudian slip.
337
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,600
How is Mr Newbold?
338
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,080
He's dead.
339
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,640
"Dead"? What?
340
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,240
- He can't be dead.
- I went round to his house.
341
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,600
I called and I called, there was no reply, he must be dead.
342
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:10,200
Well, he was in here this morning. He looked perfectly well.
343
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,440
They go fast at his age.
344
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,800
So, there's just you and me now, Granville.
345
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,120
Oh! I'll give him a call.
346
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,120
Well, what's the point if he's dead?
347
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,360
- He's not dead.
- No, well, he better be if he's not answering my calls.
348
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,400
PHONE RINGS
349
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,800
Hexthorpe Gasworks.
350
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:45,440
You're not the Hexthorpe Gasworks. It's you, Newbold, isn't it?
351
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,320
I thought you were dead.
352
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,680
Why didn't I think of that?
353
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:58,080
Why are you masquerading as the Hexthorpe Gasworks?
354
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,760
It's a fantasy. Do you mind?
355
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:04,160
I've always wanted to be the Hexthorpe Gasworks.
356
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,840
- Wait there, I'm coming round.
- No.
357
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,720
- "No"?
- No, it's dangerous. I've got spots, I'm contagious.
358
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,840
Ah! Oh, well...
359
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,840
Not dead, just unhygienic.
360
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,280
There's a window of opportunity for you here, Granville,
361
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,320
until spots disappear.
362
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,400
Oh, yes. Right, no, hang on,
363
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:35,760
hang on, look, sorry, we've just got to get rid of that.
364
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,280
You can't have that on your continental sausage.
365
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,960
What is it?
366
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
It's, it's...
367
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,080
Hold on, there it is. It's the bratwurst beetle.
368
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:50,120
There are terrible little breeders, they are.
369
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,600
I mean, you get two of these together,
370
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,120
and the next thing you know, you've got a colony.
371
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,040
Hold on, there it is. Hold on, then it goes.
372
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,320
You stay there.
373
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,520
Get out. There he is.
374
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,040
THUD
375
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,600
That'll tie a knot in his prospects.
376
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:13,040
As I was saying, Granville, a window of opportunity.
377
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,880
Argh!
378
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,160
Sorry, you were saying?
379
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,760
Not now, can't stop, must fly!
380
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,360
BELL RINGS
381
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,480
- Who's got spots?
- Seems like everyone.
382
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,920
Did you know that Granville had spots?
383
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,200
Just the one near his...
384
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,360
PHONE RINGS
385
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:55,840
- Hello?
- IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT: Would this be the Herr Newbold mit
386
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,960
whom I am speaking?
387
00:23:57,960 --> 00:23:59,840
This is Mr Newbold, yes.
388
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,640
The one who Frau Featherstone calls Smoochy?
389
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,560
I have never been called Smoochy.
390
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:11,640
But also known as Foxy Fingers, ja?
391
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,280
- Never.
- Well, to business.
392
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:20,160
We understand that you may have the number of Frau Featherstone.
393
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,040
Oh, yes, I've got her number all right.
394
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,440
You see, I'm speaking on behalf of the Monchengladbach
395
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:30,400
over 60s Frauline Roxy Thong fan club.
396
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,080
Ein question, Herr Newbold, does she still do the balloons?
397
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,680
And would she do them for us one more time?
398
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:45,360
I'm sorry, but I heff...have no connection with Frau Featherstone.
399
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:50,760
But we are told that you are the lover of the former Roxy Thong.
400
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:54,040
Oh! Those balloons!
401
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:58,120
I can assure you that I'm not a lover of Frau Featherstone.
402
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:03,000
Then I can only conclude that you have never seen the balloons.
403
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,280
Forget the balloons.
404
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,920
Believe me, I try.
405
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,080
For many years I'm seeking to forget the balloons,
406
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,840
but under my skin she gets.
407
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,840
I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
408
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,560
What I am saying is...
409
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,240
help yourself.
410
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,880
She was the toast of Europe.
411
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:29,080
Are you telling me that the woman I know as Mrs Featherstone was once an
412
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,760
exotic dancer who went by the name of...
413
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,000
Miss Roxy Thong?
414
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,840
Yup. So, who's the lucky boy, then? Ja, ja, ja!
415
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,680
HE LAUGHS
416
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,520
Will you get out of here? You'll get me sacked.
417
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,320
I wanted you to know I'm suitable for vegetarians.
418
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,800
I've come to mop your fevered brow.
419
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,040
It's been a funny day.
420
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:42,280
I had to let the banana go early.
421
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,920
I hope he's not getting overripe.
422
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:52,320
I was barely half a cheese slicer away from that Mavis
423
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,200
when my instinct for avarice took over.
424
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:06,960
Miss Roxy Thong, I wonder what she actually did with those balloons.
425
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,880
Must have gone with a bang.
32147
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