All language subtitles for Modern Family s11e08_English

(exhales deeply)

Honey,
what are you doing?

I just saw this incredible
telekinesis video.

I'm trying to make
a piece of bacon levitate.

Don't you have to,
I don't know, work?

Are you saying
it'll never happen?

Is there perhaps
a more colorful way

of saying that?

I know you're trying
to get me to say

"It'll happen
when pigs fly."

That counts.

-(gasps)
-(exhales sharply)

What?

Oh, my gosh!

Good morning, Earth mates.

Morning, Farr-- Ahh-ha.

Oh, my lower back
is killing me.

Has anyone seen
my healing crystal?

Mm, that may be
the only thing of yours

we haven't seen.

Dylan's mom, Farrah,
came to see the babies,

and then she found out
that her polyamorous quad

was downgraded to a triad.

Now we're stuck with her.

Polyamory.
Can you imagine?

(chuckles) No.

She needs to go.

**

**

(drumming)

* Oh-ohhhh *

Farrah! Farrah!

-Ohhhhh!
-Farrah!

Do you have to do that
right here?

Oh, I am so sorry.

I didn't realize
you wanted it

to keep flooding
in the Philippines.

I don't want it
to keep flooding

in the Philippines,
Claire.

It's okay.

-I'll just go in the other room.
-Great.

(cellphone ringing)

Ugh.

It's Jerry. I can't.

It's gonna be 45 minutes
about how much he misses Mom

and then some overshare
about their sex life.

Claire, he's family.

-(sighs)
-(ringing stops)

Jerry.

How are you?

Yeah.

No, I know.
We miss her, too.

The babies are great.

Yeah, constantly exploring,
always sticking their fingers

-in everything.
-Hmm.

(laughs)

Oh, whoa, yeah. What a--

What a fun image
of my late mother-in-law.

Really?

Let me just--
Let me just check to see

-if we're gonna be around.
-(cellphone clicks)

Jerry is following

the butterfly migration
to Mexico

and wants to stop by tomorrow
to say hi.

No way.
Make up an excuse.

I'm a terrible liar.

Tough.

The last thing
we need around here

is another hippie kook.

Oh, it finally happened.

I'm my father.

Oh, my goddesses,
there you are.

(chuckles)

Oh, Claire,
would you be comfortable

rubbing this
just above my buttocks

while I offer up
a Tibetan pain chant?

Doesn't sound like me.

But I might know someone
who could help you out.

Oh.

Honestly, Jerry,
it's that, uh...

Claire and I have--
have hit a rough patch.

She's been huffing...
cans of whipped cream.

I mean...

(whispering)
Help me.

(normal voice)
Underneath our bed

looks like backstage
at a pie-eating contest.

-Invite him here.
-(whispering) What?

Just get him here as fast
as you can. Come on.

Uh, actually, Jerry,
everything's fine.

Claire just agreed
to seek help.

See you tomorrow.

-(cellphone beeps)
-What the hell was that?

Jerry's lonely,
Farrah's lonely,

they both glom onto us.

We set them up,
they'll glom onto each other,

and then
she can bang his drum.

My beautiful genius.

Oop, sorry. Hold on.

(gasps) Oooh.

(sighs) Ooooh.

Now I just have to find someone
to set you up with.

Oh, breaking out
the good stuff, huh?

Well, you know what?

We're finally close friends
with a lesbian couple,

and-- and I-- I want them
to feel as special to us

as if they were real gays.

Cam, they're just as gay
as we are.

Okay, hold on.
One moment.

-Bink!
-Okay, well, as I am.

-Okay.
-(clicks tongue)

-Hi.
-CAMPBELL: Oh, my gosh.

You guys are
such a cute family.

Oh, gosh, that picture.

That was taken
at an amusement park.

That's not
the real Bigfoot.

(laughs)
"Real Bigfoot,"

-Oh, my God. You're so funny.
-Yeah. Sure. Okay.

Let's go with
"he was making a joke."

So, you guys,
speaking of families...

We're thinking of starting
one of our own.

-(gasps) Congratulations.
-Amazing.

Oh, how are you gonna do it?
What's the plan?

Actually, we wanted to ask you
something about that.

Eh, there comes a point
in every gay man's life

when a lesbian couple
asks him for his sperm.

-Unless you're Mitchell and me.
-Yeah.

All of our friends
have been asked,

while we have been
cruelly overlooked.

It's painful.

It's like not getting picked
to play kickball.

Well, that never
happened to me.

I was my kickball team's
captain.

Well,
only after our star

broke his leg
and had to be put down.

-He was a--
-A mule.

From a mile away.

Go ahead.
Ask us anything.

Well, you know we think
the world of you guys.

-Yes?
-And we, you.

First of all,

would you judge us
if we didn't adopt?

Is that selfish?

-Um, no.
-No.

Oh, that's such a relief.

Now, the next step

is finding someone
who can--

Donate?

Yes.

You know, we don't
want anyone involved

financially or otherwise,

so we were just thinking
of going to the sperm bank.

That's a good option,

but make sure the janitors
are handsome,

because, you know, they have
the keys to everything.

Well, we also thought about
asking my brother.

Oh, you don't want
to go down that road.

It's too complicated.

"My daddy, my uncle,
my daddy, my uncle."

It's Chinatown.

Yeah, you want someone
that--

you know,
with a little distance,

that you know and--
and trust.

Who's attractive
and healthy.

And who hasn't had
mental illness in their family

in at least
a generation and a half.

Well, that's the dream.
(chuckles)

-Well, dreams can come true.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.
Thank you, guys.

No, thank you.

If you think of someone,

-will you let us know?
-Yeah.

-Lesbians.
-Lesbians.

-Here's your cappuccino.
-Ah.

None for me.

I don't need to be sharp
to experience the empty void

that is life
without Sherry Shaker.

What are these little drawings
in the milk?

That's me
staring out a window.

I made the stars
with my tears.

Ay, papi, if you can survive
me driving three blocks

with you
on the roof of my car,

you can survive this.

When did that happen?

It wasn't gonna work out
with Sherry anyway.

She's Canadian.

They have ducks
on their money.

They sell milk
in a bag.

I'll be in my room
if anyone needs me.

Who am I kidding?
No one needs me.

Ay, papi, these things
have a way of working out.

I promise.

You promise?

What did you do?

I called in a favor.

Luke!

Again?
I thought we were even.

I need you to do something
for Manny.

It'll mean
the world to him.

Okay, I guess.

I want you to go
to Sherry's improv show,

talk him up to her.

I want her to regret
breaking up with him.

No. Not that.

Anything but improv.

Improv is no different
than getting waterboarded.

Just stay calm,

go to a pleasant place
in your mind,

and remember that
you're not actually dying.

Fine. I'll do it.

Good boy.

Go back to sleep.

Why'd you bring
a crowbar?

No reason.

Gloria, we should not
be involved.

You know what my dad
always said to me

every time I was down?

Nothing.

I learned to figure
everything out on my own.

This is your
least attractive quality.

Where is your empathy?

I have empathy.

That's the one where
you care about people, right?

You don't go out of your way
for anyone.

Yes, I do.

You remember that little valet
at the club?

If I hadn't got him fired,

he'd still be moving
everybody's seats up.

Okay, here we go.

Some apricot jam
from an old family recipe.

Not that
you would be interested

in any of
my family recipes.

Is everything okay?

-Uh-- Uh--
-Why don't you want us
to be your donor?

-Oh.
-Uh-- D-- It's okay.
Just say it.

-You're put off by my red hair.
-Or is it his freckles?

-Or my tendency to burn.
-Or is it his--

-Can this one
please be about you?
-Yeah, yeah.

Wait, are you saying
that you would donate for us?

Honestly,
we would love that,

but we were afraid
to put you on the spot,

and we didn't think
you'd say yes.

-Oh-- Well, of--
of course we'd say yes!
-We adore you!

-Oh! (chuckles)
-Molly, I think we just
found our daddy.

(all chuckling)

Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay, so, which one of us
do you want?

I don't know.
We haven't even had a chance

-to think about it.
-Yeah.

Well,
would it be helpful

if we, you know,
walked around

so you could take us in
from shoulder to shank?

It's not
the county fair.

Alright, well, maybe we'll
just go outside

and, I don't know,
kick something?

Or-- Or we could do
a puzzle?

Or we could spell
Connecticut?

Why don't you guys
just decide?

We're--
We're happy either way.

Shouldn't be a problem.

JAY:
Oh, good, you're both here.

Listen, I was thinking
about yesterday,

how upset you are,

and how you say I don't care
about people's feelings,

so check this out.

Brandi, get in here.

BRANDI: I'm not done
with my cigarette!

What did you do?

I was trying
to figure a way

how to help Manny
to move on,

and all of a sudden,
I met this little angel.

Brandi?

BRANDI: Hold on!

The best part's
right at the filter!

You're gonna love her.

She runs towels
at the car wash.

-Why did you encourage this?
-N--

Hey, now,
why settle for Sherry

when you can have
a little Brandi?

I'll admit, that's good.

(chuckling)
Holy (bleep)

(laughs)

This house!

So, this is how come
you can afford the lava wax.

Brandi,
this is my wife, Gloria,

and this stud is my son,
Manny.

Brandi,
I'm sure you're very nice,

but I'm dealing with
losing the love of my life,

-and I just need some time.
-(scoffs)

I know what you're
going through, honey.

My man saw Free Solo

and tried to scale
the local bank.

He died
doing what he loved--

Daring the cops
to shoot him.

Jay, should I scream
at you here,

or should we do it
in the kitchen?

I could go
for a little snack.

Uh, listen, you guys
get to know each other.

Manny, offer her
a drink at the bar.

You got anything
with cinnamon?

I'm not particular.
(giggles)

What were you thinking

bringing a girl
like that here?

What are you
talking about?

-Brandi's a ton of fun.
-(sighs)

Oh, sure, maybe you don't
bring her home to Mom.

-That's literally what you did.
-(doorbell rings)

I hope that
that's her parole officer.

(gasps) Ah, Luke!

What a surprise!

(door closes)

How did your talk
with Sherry go?

Not well.

GLORIA: What do you mean?

Did you mention to her
that Manny was retweeted

by one of
the Property Brothers?

Yeah,
I brought that up.

And what did she say?

Uh, does she miss him?

Will she take him back?

-I don't think so.
-Why not?

Well, we kind of...
kissed.

What?

Well, the Brandi plan's

looking pretty good
right now, huh?

Hello, family.

(chuckles) Oh.
Hi, Jerry. Welcome.

-How are you?
-Sorry.

I would've knocked,
but you know I abhor violence.

Hey.
Oh (grunts) sorry,

I was grinding polenta
for our lunch.

My arm's kinda tender.

Polenta elbow
is a real thing.

Marianne Williamson
was the only candidate

with the guts
to talk about it.

So, Jer,
how you doing?

I'm hanging in there.

Very happy
to see you both.

But the truth is, Claire,
in this light,

you're reminding me
so much of your mother.

-Well, it's the hair.
-Same neck.

(footsteps approaching)

Oh, you must be Jerry.

I'm Dylan's mom, Farrah.

How wonderful
to meet you.

Full disclosure--
I'm a hugger.

I'm sorry, I'm not very
comfortable with that,

because I'm a kisser.

-(chuckles softly, smooches)
-(chuckles)

Oh,
what a lovely necklace.

Well, thank you.

It was made from the wreckage
of a Japanese whaling ship.

How can the same people
that gave us the haiku

want to hunt
such a graceful creature?

Uh, well, I can guarantee

that absolutely no vegetables
were harmed

in the making
of this salad.

Actually, Claire,

it's been proven
that plants feel pain.

Yes, they scream when you
rip them from the ground.

Oh, um,
then you're gonna hate

what happened
to these grapes.

That's okay.
They're drunk.

(both laugh)

Oh. Well, it is such
a nice day outside.

Why don't the two of you

enjoy your wine
in the backyard

while we finish
setting up in here?

What a lovely idea.

Oh, Farrah,
did you know

that Jerry is following
the butterfly migration?

All the way to Méjico?

I'm gonna spend
the winter and spring

hammock camping
in the Sierra Chincua sanctuary.

That is one of my favorite
places on this Earth.

-Oh, you've been there?
-Not in ages,

but I would love to visit
in this life.

Oh...
(door opens)

-This is going so much better
than we even hoped!
-(door closes)

It's so weird.
Jerry has such a type.

I mean, Farrah and my mom
are the--

My mom.
She's in the backyard.

Ohhhh, right.

Oh, God.

Um, I don't know
what happened.

It's Dede.

How did she get here?

I thought she was
at Mitchell's house.

I don't understand.

My mom's ashes are fused
to the roots of the tree.

Of course.

Dede, I never would have
flirted with another woman

in front of you.

Unless it was
that kind of weekend,

like that time in Taos.

-Ew.
-Dede needs me.

I shouldn't go anywhere.

But-- But what--
But what about the butterflies

and Méjico?

Claire,
I can feel it.

Your mother
is in pain right now.

Are-- Are we absolutely sure
it's the tree?

Because I do have
an eggplant parmesan

under the broiler.

I don't mean to overreact,

but I think the situation
may call for

some throat singing.

(low-pitching vocalizing)

(vocalizing)

Alright. Mitch. Cam.

-Okay, I'll go first.
-Okay.

-I'm tall.
-Tall.

I'm strong,

and I have
a Matt Damon nose.

-(chuckles) Okay.
-Okay.

Mitchell, quick--
me or Matt Damon?

-Uh--
-Don't think, just answer.

-Uh-- Okay,
I'll give you that one.
-Yeah.

Um, alright, now me.
Um...

* Aaah *
Perfect pitch.

Well, what this baby needs
is rhythm.

(fast-paced drumming)

And I've never
had a cavity.

I-I have good
penmanship.

Well, I had an aunt
that lived to 110,

and she smoked a pipe
every day.

-I'm responsible.
-I'm nurturing.

Uh-- Okay.
I'm nurturing, too.

When Lily was a baby,
I sang her to sleep every night,

with perfect pitch.

* Aaah *

Well,
I used to look at her

through the window
every morning

when I would drop her off
at school,

until the security guard
took my picture.

Okay, uh...
you know what?

You-- You be the donor.

I don't think that
I can have a kid in the world

and not be
a part of their life.

Oh, Mitchell, I don't think
I can, either.

It would kill me to have
a little button-nose beauty

out there
kicking up a storm

as the first female punter
or the first male Rockette.

We begged them.

We're gonna look like
such flakes.

-They're gonna be heartbroken.
-How do we tell them?

We're just gonna have
to be completely honest.

We could tell them the
microwave's been on the fritz

and we're both sterile.

Great. That. Yeah.

Okay.

-Hey.
-Hi. It's us.

Hey. What a surprise.

Uh-- Uh, honey?
Mitch and Cam are here!

-Listen, we're sorry
for dropping in like this.
-Mm-hmm.

-Uh, but there's something
we need to tell you.
-Yeah.

-What's up?
-Hi.

Okay, there-- there's
no easy way to say this.

Um...we're just not
comfortable donating sperm.

And-- And--
You know, listen,

we were so flattered.

But I think we just got
caught up in the moment.

Oh, we get it.

Yeah. No problem.

-Oh, really?
-It's totally fine.

Thank you so much
for letting us know.

-Okay.
-You guys are the best.

-Oh. Oh, yeah.
-Mwah.

-Okay.
-Hey, have a good one.

-Sure.
-Bye. Bye.

Wow, I-I can't believe
how well that went.

Yeah, I know.
I feel-- I feel so much better.

That was... so easy.

Yeah.
Yeah, like, really easy.

Wait, was it too easy?

(exhales sharply)
I got this.

-Hi. It's us again.
-Yeah.

Listen, um...
what just happened?

Because we just cratered
your entire family planning,

and all we get
is a "Have a good one"?

You don't seem
too broken up about it.

Uh-- No, no,
we're super-sad.

We're just lesbians.

-Oh. Oh, of course.
-Okay. That's on us.

-That is on...
-Okay.

-(man laughs)
-Who's that?

-Campbell.
-No, it's not.

You're the one
with the masculine laugh.

Yeah, and I'm--
I'm suddenly aware

that we've been talking outside
for a long time.

Do-- Do you mind
if we come in?

Yeah, no, not at all,
Mitch and Cam!

Come on into the house!

(rapid footsteps)

MITCH:
Hey-- Hey, Campbell!

Hi! Who's-- Who--
Who's your hunk?

Hi. I'm Nathan.

Nathan.

Hello, Nathan.
What is...

Champagne. What?
Were you celebrating?

With a man in possession of
some pretty remarkable genetics.

Oh, I get it.

That's why you let us
off the hook so easy.

You were gonna replace us.

Okay,
we're sorry.

Yes,
he's gonna donate.

We did not plan this.
We just met.

-You just met?!
-Just met?

-Where? How?
-How? When? How?

He was our
L-Lyft driver.

Man, his car
was really clean,

he made
excellent conversation.

And I mean,
look at him.

You guys get it,
right?

That should be
making babies.

Look, at least we can tell
our friends that we were asked.

Yeah,
and you know what?

Hey,
second place isn't bad.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Ooh, do you mind?

Can we get
a-a picture with you

just to show all of our friends
what it took to beat us out?

-Sure.
-Sorry. Thanks.

-Okay.
-Would it help
if I took off my shirt?

-Oh, probably, yeah.
-In so many ways.

Yes, it would.
Here.

-There is it. Okay.
-There--

Wow.
There...it is.

-Okay.
-(camera shutter clicks)

Why would
you kiss Sherry?

I didn't mean
for it to happen.

I'm not surprised.

I've seen you make out
with a Mr. Potato Head.

It was
a Mrs. Potato Head.

She had the bow
and the girl lips.

I couldn't talk to Sherry
before the show,

so I had to sit through it.

The first sketch was so bad,
I tried to bail,

but they locked the doors.

Then she walked
on the stage--

or should I say,

the first octopus President
walked on stage.

(laughs) Look.

She's signing eight bills
at once. (laughs)

And I'll never
run out of ink.

(laughter)

LUKE: Her performance
was a Tour de France.

She was like a hot,
girl version of my dad.

Afterwards, we kept talking,
and...it just happened.

I'm really sorry,

but I think I may have
real feelings for her.

Listen to me, you're never
going to see Sherry ever again.

I have to tell Manny
the truth.

Don't you dare.

Tell me what?

Manny, I'm sorry,
but...I kissed Sherry.

I feel terrible about it.

Are you okay?

I will be.

After I kick your ass!

Come on!
Oh, hell yeah!

Hold on, hold on!

Manny, violence
is never the answer.

Kid, you don't know
what you're doing.

Uh, yes, I do.

I got a "satisfactory"
in Beginning Stage Combat.

And action!

-Come here, Luke. Luke!
-No, easy, easy.

-Hey!
-Whoa!

JAY: Whoa! Easy!

-Easy!
-How could you?!

-Of all the women!
Come on, Luke!
-No! No! No! No!

-Ah!
-No!

Enough.

Now, listen, I'm sorry
that you're hurting so badly,

and I'm sorry that my plan
to help you move on

was a disaster.

But you're a good guy
with a big heart,

and you're gonna find
the right person,

I promise you.

And you...
it was big of you

to want to tell Manny
the truth to his face.

-Thanks.
-But you crossed a line.

You put yourself
in front of your family,

and you hurt a guy
who loves you like a brother.

You disappointed
the hell out of me.

I'm gonna ask you
to leave.

I'm sorry, Manny.

Sorry, papi.

(door opens)

I think I need to be alone
for a while.

I understand.

Just remember, Manny,

I'm there for you whenever
there's a rainy day.

'Cause we don't work those,
so...

(chuckles lightly)

-You keep your chin up, kid.
-(door opens)

It's gonna work out
okay.

-(door closes)
-I know.

Thanks, Jay.

(sighs)

I'm so sorry
that I told you

that you didn't care
about other people.

I care about
other people.

I'm really very sensitive.

That's great.

So, maybe tomorrow,
you can take Joe

to that little boy's
princess party.

Little boy's
princess party?

Eh... I think it's nice
that he has the freedom

to express himself
that way.

Pretty good, huh?

They want the parents
to go dress up, too.

Okay, I'm out.

(sitar music plays)

45 minutes of sitar,
and nothing.

She can't be
reasoned with.

That's so Dede.

She's clearly
still upset with us.

Well,
she does hold a grudge.

CLAIRE: Phil.

Claire, could you try
and reason with your mother?

What-- Okay, Jerry,
is it possible

that you are projecting
your guilt about moving on?

Because that's not
my mom over there.

I don't mean
to seem indelicate,

but you sound a little crazy
right now.

Please,
talk to the tree.

Okay, um...

(clears throat)

Hey, uh, Mom?

So, uh...Jerry wants to go
to Mexico for a year--

Four months!

Worth a shot.

And he's lonely,

so he wants to take
his new friend.

What?

(gasps)

Wh-- You're...

Really?
You're okay with it?

She says "Have fun."

How did she sound?

Did she seem
passive-aggressive?

Yeah, maybe you should
double-check, Claire.

Great.
Thank you, Phil.

Mom,
after missing you a lot

and talking about
very little else,

um, Jerry finally
met someone.

It's-- It's actually
Dylan's Mom, Farrah,

and he wants
to take her to Mexico.

She's listening.
Keep going.

Um...Jerry is worried
that this would upset you,

but I told him that
you want him to be happy

and to move on, right?

Please move, please move.

(exhales sharply)

Dede, does the rustling
mean "Yes"?

Thank you, Dede.

I will always love you.

(exhales sharply)

I need some water.

-And let's go rescue
that eggplant.
-Yes.

That was crazy!

-Did you see that?
-Hold on.

Your-- Your mom wants
to say something.

What?

"Hey, Claire Bear.

Maybe you should appreciate
Phil's magic more,

-especially since he just
solved your problem."
-(chuckles)

I can't believe it.
You're a genius.

Mm. Thank you.

-You're welcome.
-(inhales sharply)

They don't call me
Filament Dunphy for nothing.

That is cute,

but you are still
selling houses, right?

Oh, shoot,
I have a showing in 20 minutes.

Oh!

(grunts)

(grunts) Love you.

Oh, I guess I should be
watering you more, huh?

I've been busy.

You're not even here,

and I feel like
you're judging me.

Fine.
I haven't been busy.

I miss you.

(exhales sharply)

It's probably why
I didn't want to see Jerry.

He reminds me so much of you.

It's also why
Farrah drives me nuts.

If I'm gonna have
a kook in my house,

I'd want it to be you.

Phil.

Phil, stop it.

Shut up, Mom.
I like this haircut.

-- Captions by VITAC --