Original subtitles

You were wonderful, Wyatt.

Thank you. My first time, you know,

Yeah. I know. There's something I have to tell you.

Even though both you and Gary created me I can't help feeling

That you're.... you're...

- What? - You pancakes and sausages are getting cold.

MARCIA: Did you hear me, honey? Your pancakes and sausages are getting cold!

What makes you think that was my first time?

- Hey, sleeping beauty! - ( Door Opens )

Get your butt out of bed.

Lewis's dog paid us a visit last night.

And after you're done scooping the lawn, mow it.

- Good morning. - Do I look any... older today?

You always look older in the morning.

- Happy birthday, Mom. - Thanks, honey.

I don't know, Gary.

Calling up Lisa is dangerous.

Yeah. But this time, we're ready for her.

No turning back now.

Ahem!

You ladies seen have you seen it?

No. Sorry, Chett.

Didin't he see?

He's an idiot.

Here we go.

( Both Screaming )

DEMONIC VOICE: Who dares disturb my slumber?

I did not wish to be summoned. For this impertinence, you shall be punished!

( Screaming )

Just kidding. Geez, boys, lighten up.

I really missed you guys.

Hey, you gave us tans. Thanks.

What else can I do for you today?

We have a few simple requests if it's okay with you.

Anything you want: porsches, superhuman strength

the combined knowledge of the ages.

- What's it going to be? - We want to see you naked.

- Gary, we can't ask Lisa that. - Relax, Wyatt.

I'm yours to command.

You digging this, Wyatt.

A little.

- What's with the digital pasties? - It's for your protection.

You boys created me to be your ideal woman.

Unfortunately, this level of perfection doesn't really exist.

- Well, except maybe in beer commercials. - Point being?

It would ruin you for real women in the future.

This is the best we can hope for in frontal nudity.

Sorry.

So much for wishes two through 12.

There must be something on that list I can help with.

A birthday present for your mom. That I can do.

Ask her to make a wish.

When she opens the box, she'll get it.

She'll get it.

We create the ultimate magical being and the best she can do is

save me a trip to K-mart isn't there anything you'd like to wish for, Wyatt?

CHETT: Hey! Cud boy!

Pry your head out of your butt and hump down here A.S.A.P.!

I don't think Chett had ever called me by my real name.

I'm sensing a wish here.

Okay. Okay, I've got one.

I wish Chett's lame insults would hurt him as much as they've hurt me.

- Yes. Consider it done. - Oh, sure. Grant his wishes.

Found my knife. Know where?

On your breakfast tray lying atop the diseased remains...

of your sissy seven-grain toast.

This is a weapon of death!

Not a butter knife you little freak show!

( Screaming )

What's so funny, sewer hole?

My head hurts!

( Yelling ) Whoa!

- What the hell was that? - What was what?

Nothing. I just need some aspirin.

Stroganoff again? What, did you buy a 50-gallon drum?

BOTH: Happy birthday!

Oh. What a wonderful surprise. Oh.

Look, honey. Gary bought me a present.

Oh, right. Your birthday. Don't worry.

I didn't forget. There's a sale this saturday.

Saturday?

- Open my present, Mom. - Ohh. All right.

- But before you do, make a wish. - Oh. That's sweet.

All righty.

( Emily Giggling )

Um... it's empty.

- Empty? How can it be empty? - Did you make a wish?

It's the thought that counts.

I, uh... I can keep button in this box.

Who needs wishes... when we have each other.

- Right, Bellissima? - Oh.

You're all that I could ever wish for, Al.

I give my mom one little birthday wish and pow!

Next thing you know she's doing wash-and-wipe with Mr. Muscle Boy.

I knew something like this was going to happen.

We never should have called Lisa.

I think I did a great job.

Who'd have guessed your mom would turn out to be such a little horn dog?

Who is that clown?

Gary, that's Supermodel Magnifico! Romance novels, eefcake calendars.

You know, the prince of pecs. My mom's a fan and apparently, so is yours.

- Oh, my, my my. - Lisa, get rid of him!

I can't once you make a wish, it has to run its course.

Magnifico could be around a day, a month, a year... ooh!

Lucky girl.

Your mother and I have decided to retire early.

I have one more present for her. I think I'm going to hurl.

Gary, relax.

As far as your mom's concerned that is your dad.

Only now he's the loving husband your mom wished for.

I'm confused.

Is there like a zipper on that body?

I mean, is Gary's dad inside there?

No, he and Magnifico only switched places.

Neither of them remembers his past life.

Wherever your dad is, he's doing just fine.

Am I showing enough thigh?

You can never show enough thigh.

Because I just got my cheeks waxed.

And they look Magnifico.

MAGNIFCIO: Good morning, my son.

Did I wake you?

- Uh, well, as a matter of fact... - My apologies.

I just want you to know-- as I was cleaning dog poop

off the lawn I was thinking how wonderful it is to have you as my son.

I am so very proud of you.

Uh-huh. What do you want?

- I have come to give you a surprise. - Did I miss it?

Not yet. Your mother and I have decid to remodel this room of yours.

It was your father's idea.

Such a room does not befit the son of Al Wallace.

You were meant to experience the finer things in life.

Construction begins immediately.

Gentlemen?

My son's jacuzzi will go here.

Do you approve?

- I love you, Dad. - I love you, Son.

ANNOUNCER: Open wide and say "Ah" as Magnifico flexes

the pecs all America dreams of oiling.

Get out. Dog grooming hour is over.

- Just need a second, Chett. - You're done now, skank-boy.

( Screams )

What are you looking at?

- Your fly's open, Chett. - What?

Holy monkeys!

You okay, Chett?

I just... I need to lay down.

What are you wearing?

Dad's been giving me some fashion tips.

Magnifico is the best dad ever. Ever!

This may sound harsh but when I think back to my real dad I realize: he sucked.

Gee, why would that sound harsh?

I actually love going home now. My whole life has changed.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Sooner or later, your real dad's coming back.

I think you're jealous because my dad's more photogenic than your dad.

- MAGNIFICO: My son! - Papa!

So what brings you love puppies here?

I want to meet the men and women who have the

honor of educating my only son.

He insisted on having a special parent-teacher conference

with your instructors. Isn't he wonderful!

Hello, Mrs. Wallace.

Bonjour monsieur Wallace.

I am Miss Bouvier, Gary's french teacher.

Miss Bouvier, you are not a woman.

- You are a monument. - Al!

I tease only. Later, my son, huh?

Ciao, Papa.

Your papa sure is one hairy chick magnet.

Yeah, and I'm going to grow up to be just like him.

Bravissimo!

Papa?

Son, why the long face? You did not think I built this bubbly

love nest for you alone, did you?

- You're cheating on Mom. - Of course I am.

Am I not Al Wallace? I belong to all women everywhere.

See you tuesday, huh?

I look forward to giving you another french lesson.

Bonsoir, Gary.

- I can't believe this. - Not to worry.

You will be receiving a "B" in her class guaranted.

Just a "B"?

Well, as you know if one lingers too long in a jacuzzi, well...

Can't you guys give Magnifico just one more chance?

He's got such a nice butt.

I don't care if he's got buns of steel Magnifico's out of here, end story.

I can't just change things back to the way they were.

The wish... we know-- I doesn't end till it ends.

Is there an owner's manual you're not showing us?

It's not her fault, Gary.

We made her.

If we don't have a clue, why should she?

I remember an episode of Star Trek where this

guy's past and future self came together.

- Gary, it's TV. - Not just any TV, Star Trek--

the most scientifically accurate portrayal of the future ever told.

You'll never get them together.

Magnifico's on a european tour promoting his swimsuit calender.

- My mom's a fan. - Maybe I can help.

What's the name of that coffeehouse you guys hang out at?

- The Java man? - There's the one.

Your hearts's desire? Cappuccino? Biscotti? Goobers?

Whatever the son of Al Wallace wants the son of Al Wallace gets.

Well, I have had my eye set on an autographed Magnifico Calend.

There you go, my dear.

Well, well... a family of Magnifico fans.

Yes. Big fans. I'm Gary.

This is Mom.

Mom.

A beautiful name for a beautiful woman.

And this is Al Wallace... my dad.

- Gary, are you all right? - This has to work.

Come on, big winds. Whoo. lightning... spooky magic sparks.

Shape-shift.

My son, the great pride I feel for you is quickly diminishing.

Gary, you're embarrassing your father.

Mom, you don't understand. This isn't Dad.

This is Dad. You don't love him. You love this guy.

Tell her! Tell her! You're my real father!

- Gary's losing it. - Big time.

Go get him. I'll distract Magnifico.

Is the son of Al Wallace making a funny?

No. I'm not making a funny. He's my dad.

Kid, look at me. Do you really think I could be your father?

I'm a supermodel.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wallace. Gary, let's go see how they grind coffee.

Mom, you must know that deep down you belong with this guy.

Such nonsense. Your mother and I were made for each other.

We are as one... bonded body and soul

until the end of time.

I must go put coin in meter now.

This is a nightmare, Wyatt, and it's all Lisa's fault.

Now we'll never...

- Wait. Look. - Look what's happening.

High-strung kid you have there.

Um, he needs a little discipline.

His father pampers him.

You can't pamper kids.

I find the best way to keep them in need is to make them fear you.

You sound experienced.

You have children of your own?

Not that I recall.

So, would you like a calendar?

I'd be happy to sign one for such a lovely woman.

Oh, gosh. I don't know. My husband...

Oh, you are so beautiful.

Perhaps it's not my place to say but you're married to a heel.

Oh, no. Uh... it's... Okay.

No, it's not.

I may not be the most romantic guy in the world but if I were lucky

enough to be married to someone as beautiful as you

I'd always be faithful... always.

Oh... that's nice of you to say.

Well, I mean it. You seem like you deserve better.

That's all.

Is it you?

Please, tell me it's you!

- Get off me, you idiot. - Papa!

- So, life with Dad back to normal? - Yeah, pretty much.

It sucks. But at least now I get to deal with my personal hell

in the comfort of my own Jacuzzi.

Well, this will cheer you up. Watch. Hey, Chett.

That's one ugly truck.

That's your opinion.

And my opinion is that this truck has a weeny transmission

a gutless engine and a lousy tonka-toy-tire-traction

perfect for a hyper-wanker like you.

That's it. You're dead, butt camp!

Ow!

You were saying, Mr... bighead?

Hit 'em where it hurts, Wy.

I'm going to kick your putrid, belly-white free-range chicken...

Ow!

CHETT: What the hell is going on?

I don't know how Lisa's ever going to top this.

That's easy. Here.

Better get him before he hits the jet stream.

( Pop )

( Air Releases )

Captioned by Grantman Brown