All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S12E04.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-RARBG

Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.

¶ Go for it, go for it, go ¶

¶ go for it, go for it, go ¶

¶ go for it, go for it, go. ¶

¶ go for it, go for it, go. ¶

go for it, go for it.

Well, somebody's
chipper this morning.

Oh... you guys were there
all this time?

I didn't see you.

Yeah, we just didn't
want to interrupt

your morning routine.

Is doing cocaine every
morning your routine, frank?

Yeah. Hey, frank,

how's wolf cola doing?

Funny you should ask.

I'm selling it to the Jews

in boca raton.

They're slurping it up

like candy. They're...

I'm telling you,
they're addicted.

If I recall, wolf cola
used to just be, like,

a money laundering front.

Well, it was, but I'm selling
it now by the truckload.

I mean, they can't
get enough of it.

It's become the official drink
of boca raton.

Why do you ask?

Well, just 'cause of this.

The group released

another video today.

Preliminary investigations

have revealed that
wolf cola may in fact be

an American soda company,
although how and why boko haram

has adopted it
as their official soft drink

is unknown at this time.

We'll keep you updated
on this story as it develops.

Boca raton, frank?

Or the official soft
drink of boko haram?

Whoops.

¶ ¶

how do you confuse
a city in Florida

with a terrorist
organization in Africa?

It's an easy misunderstanding.

It is if you're
an elderly cokehead,

trying to launder money
through a dummy

soda corporation.

This is bigger than cola, Dee.

This is gonna touch
all of frank's fluids.

My god, there are other fluids?

Yeah, wolf cola,
some nip boba drink...

Fight milk.

Fight milk?! Fight milk?!

Yeah. Wait, wait, dude,
that's our drink.

You've been selling that?

It's selling like crazy

with the ufc guys.

Ufc fighters are drinking fight milk?
What?!

Buying it like crazy.

Oh, my god, Charlie,
this is huge.

Yeah! Remember, we designed that

for bodyguards, by bodyguards.

And it makes total sense
because the-the best bodyguards

are former ufc fighters.
Well, of course.

And the best ufc fighters
are former bodyguards,

so bodyguards, ufc fighters,

that's like...
It's a revolving door.

Absolutely. Of course. We got
to take control of the product.

L-let's get out there.

Let's-let's-let's mingle
with these dudes.

Let's expand the brand, baby.

Fight milk's back.

Fight milk! Yeah! Yeah!

Found my go bag.

Dee, come over here
and dye my hair blond.

Go bag? You're gonna go blond?

Yeah.

This is not funny.

Oh, no, it's very
funny to me, actually,

'cause your life's
falling apart.

Yeah, you really screwed
yourself this time, frank.

Hey, do you mind?

Yeah, go ahead. I'm screwed?

You're going down, too, buddy.

What?

Remember when
you wanted all the power

so you could get the puss?

I made you executive

vice president
of worldwide distribution.

Shit, but nobody
knows that, right?

I mean, dude, I only wanted
the illusion of power.

The-the illusion.

I never saw an ounce of puss.

Oh, this is a good day for me.

You're going down, too? This is great.
You're laughing?

You're executive vice president
of operations.

Oh. What? Yes.

Goddamn it, frank,
why would you lump me into this?

It's a family business.
I wanted it to be wholesome.

Okay, a-all right, all right.
Oh, no.

Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic.
Oh, no.

I got this, I got this.

We-we just need to face
this thing head-on.

And we need to do
it right away, okay?

Because we only have...

24 hours.

This is why we had to wait

for you to go to
bed bath & beyond?

Yes, bitch. Now, listen,

we live in the age
of the 24-hour news cycle,

which means we only have

24 hours to respond to this,
okay?

If we don't,
then Internet trolls

are gonna control the narrative.

I don't know how
we're gonna come back

from dealing with terrorists.

Christ, Mercedes built
Nazi tanks, okay?

And the Jews are still driving
their cars around.

Floyd Mayweather beat the shit

out of multiple women
and he's the highest paid

athlete of all time.

All right? There's
only one thing

you can't come back from...
Banging kids.

Well, what about
the catholic church?

That's a good point. Hmm.

Yeah, no, they did sidestep

banging kids pretty masterfully,

but they've got billions of
dollars at their disposal

and we do not, so... No.

Here we go.

Fight milk! Fight
milk's in the house.

Fight milk's in the house.

Who wants to drink some fight milk?
Fight! Fight!

Fight milk's in the house.
That's right.

Time to stop eating your crow

and start drinking
your crow, everybody.

Hey, guys.

Turn off that Cancun,

pussy ass, techno bullshit.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said.

I said turn off the... That's
what I was saying is...

Don't play the c... the...

The Cancun bullshit, Charlie,

and he said... I said
the same thing, yeah.

Got to go spring break.
Well, anyway,

let's tell you about ourselves.
Yeah.

We're the founders and
creators of fight milk.

Yeah. We wanted to
come by and tell you

a little bit about what we do.

Yeah. Now, I've always
been very passionate

about dominating other men.
Uh-oh.

There's nothing like the feeling

of another man
submitting to your will.

Now that's power.

Yeah. In a lot of
ways, that's love.

What are you talking about?

Okay, he's a bodyguard, though.

Yeah. I feel like you
were being unclear.

Did-did I not say that?
Yeah, you should say...

You should lead with that.
I'm screwing up the pitch.

You know what,
I'm gonna jump in here.

We're-we're a couple
of crow enthusiasts

who wanted to take the power

and essence of a crow

and-and we packed that
into a delicious milk drink

that we invented, thus fight milk.
Yeah.

I don't know what you guys
are talking about right now,

but I have heard of your stuff

and cerrone and felder,
they actually love it.

Are you kidding me, dude?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cowboy cerrone and Paul
felder drink fight milk?

Oh, they love it. They crush it.

They crush it.
They're crushing...

That's... Fight milk

is supposed to be crushed.

Uh, this is for
wiping yourself down.

Yeah, yeah, thanks, bro.
Okay, man.

All right, yeah, my man.
All right, thanks, bro.

Yeah, thanks, guys.

Hey, good luck with that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hello? Hello?

Uh, Mr. cowboy, Mr. felder.

Oh, cowboy! Hey!

Oh! Oh!

It's us, the fight milk guys.
Hey.

Oh, man, we love your drink.

We just had some.

Yeah, man, I'd get up
and shake your hands

if I wasn't shitting
my brains out right now.

Oh, no. No, no,
that's fine, yeah.

So, fight milk makes you sick?

Makes you expel all body fluids.

Sweat, piss,

and shit; We got these
weigh-ins coming up.

Nothing cuts weight
like fight milk.

Oh, you're using it
to cut weight, huh?

They should give
you guys a nobel...

Oh, I just puked on my dick!

Rock and roll.

All right, cool.

Well, uh... Rock and roll, yeah.

Yeah.
We just got you some merch.

Um...

Yeah, water bottle.

For when you feel better, and...

Um... yeah, we should, uh...

Well, keep drinking
the-the drink

that makes you guys
throw up and...

Oh! Oh! Oh, god!

¶ ¶

all right, you guys ready?
We are.

This is our opportunity

to control our message
to the public.

And I think how we do that
is soften their brand.

Whose brand? Boko haram.

What? Wait, stop,

fr-frank, you want to change...

The perception of a global
terrorist organization?

Yeah, and I've got many facts to do it.
No. No, no, no, no.

Put your facts away. We're
just here to apologize, bozo.

No, hold on a second, Dee, no.
We're not here

to apologize, either, okay?
You never apologize.

We're just here to
take responsibility,

but for nothing specific.

All that matters
is that consumers feel

their voices are being heard.
No.

You say you're sorry, and
then you just move on.

No, Dee, actually,
you don't say anything.

But you do have
a very important job...

To say nothing and
stand behind me.

You see, audiences
are gonna trust me

over you because you're a woman,

and, by definition, shrill.

No. Women identify
with women in power.

Oh, no, Dee. Women hate
other women in power.

I'm threatened by 'em.
Everyone is.

Now, objectify yourself
and humanize me.

Hmm.

And here to tell
their side of the story

is the team from wolf cola.

Guys, thanks for coming in.

Oh, well, thank you
for having us, Chet.

We at wolf cola were
as shocked and saddened

by this news as everyone else.

Uh, this by no means
reflects our ideals

as a premium soda company.

We're a family-run business,

and we really care
about people's concerns.

Listen, the point is,

we have heard you all,

and we are working tirelessly
to remedy this situation.

Well, not an easy situation,

indeed, but handled
with grace and aplomb.

Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.
And it looks like

you're already getting
good feedback.

Oh, that's-that's great.
Well, uh, thank you, Chet.

And I want to say thank you
to America...

And also, we're sorry.

We accept full responsibility

for this heinous mistake,
and please know

that I am actively
firing people as we speak,

because I am the boss.

Bitch.

That's good to know.

Yes.

Next up, a heroic tale...

You know what, Chet,

can I say something?

I think we've said enough.

I think... You got to understand

that boko haram did not do 9/11.

Yeah. That was... Al-qaeda.

Paris, that was done

by Isis.

Boko haram
is just concentrating,

they're doing Africa. I mean...

I mean, there's
mosquitos down there

that are bigger terrorists
than boko haram.

We're gonna take a break.

And the 24-hour news cycle
starts again.

Way to go, assholes.

I made good points.
Jesus Christ,

I am just getting
eviscerated online.

People calling me a bitch,
flat-chested bitch,

pretty much everybody
wanting to rape me.

All right, you opened that door
the second you apologized, Dee.

You don't see this?
People need an outlet

to unleash their rage.
Now social media

will come down on you

with the fury of
a middle-aged man

who's accomplished nothing.

Hi-yo! What's up, bitches?

What's that? What do you got?

Huh? Crow traps, baby. Look.

Fight milk is boomin'.
Apparently,

people are using it
to lose weight.

Yeah. Now, we're gonna
lean into that new market

and rebrand the product. Mm-hmm.

I like this rebranding idea.

That's what I got to do...
I got to rebrand my product.

You guys, the problem is,
I just ooze sexuality.

Well, you ooze.

A real woman of power,

she exudes no sexuality at all.

That's true. I think we got to
focus on not losing boko haram.

That's a good business.
The fastest-growing marketplace

is Muslim extremists.

Frank, we're not going into
business with terrorists.

Are you crazy?

Look, we need to get
back on TV immediately

and control the
goddamn narrative.

Yeah, speaking of TV, we're gonna
be doing a little controlling

of our narrative, so you
guys mind clearing out?

Yeah, this is now our set.

All right, come on, we got work
to do, guys. Let's go.

Let's go.
Don't forget your phone,

stupid idiot. Yep.

Three, two, one! What up!
What up!

Are you fat? You probably are,
'cause you're watching TV!

Or Internet.

¶ ¶

fight milk! Rebrand!

¶ ¶

let's talk about women's bodies.

I like women.

It's easy for us men...
We have four

acceptable body types.

Skinny ripped,
Jack ripped, dad bod,

and fat... if you're funny.

It's a landslide!

As we all know, women only have
one acceptable body type.

Skinny, big tits!

New evidence is suggesting
that all this science

inside one crow's egg

can scientifically make
your breasts larger.

Watch the enzymes
enlargify your breasts.

Want to hear more about it?
The sci...

Aah!

No nerds! Fight milk!

Finally there's a crow-based

protein alcoholic drink for you.

Fight milk! Fight milk!

Well, what do you guys think?
I don't get it.

That's 'cause you're
a stupid ring girl.

It couldn't be any simpler.
Yeah, look,

take it easy.
Basically, we're trying

to expand our product
to the world of ufc women,

and look, uh, ring girls
are the perfect combo.

Really. Yeah. I mean,
honestly, ladies,

you could afford to
lose a few pounds,

maybe in this area...

Well... Or here.

Really, I mean, between the three
of you, we could be opening up

a bakery with all the
muffin tops I'm seeing.

Yes. Now, fight
milk will help you

lose those unwanted pounds

so you don't have
to resort to surgery,

which could cause scarring and
make you even less attractive

to men than you already are, okay?
All right.

Now, I feel like... No,
no, look, I'm sorry,

my friend has
really weird women issues.

I didn't realize he brought
a laser pointer.

But the point is,
you guys could look even better

if you drank fight milk.

We're not into
your weird diarrhea drink.

Right. Okay,
it's not a diarrhea drink.

It's... You know what, Charlie?

This isn't the dream
that I had for fight milk.

No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

No!
That's not what I want to be.

It's not for women! It
was never made for women!

But it'd be great
if women also drank it.

The dream was to create
a muscle-up energy drink

yeah. That gave you the
power to fight like a crow!

Yes! Men!

Or women.
But yes. But definitely

crow-power fighting skills.
Either way,

absolutely. I think, dude, we
got to get back to the lab.

I think we got to get
some more crows.

From dog fighting
to finding a loving home.

Amazing.

Now, who wouldn't want
to adopt a little guy like this?

Well said, Mike.

Great story.

Now, a local soda company
is back in hot water

with controversial remarks.

Returning to talk about it today
is the team from wolf cola.

Thank you so much
for having us back, Chet. Um,

we at wolf cola are not just
about making a satisfying soda.

We are about making
satisfied customers.

We do acknowledge
consumers' concerns.

Yes, but we are not apologizing.

Right. Oh. Sorry.

I'm just here to humanize him.

To support me.
To-to support him.

Support me.

Uh, Chet, we would also
like to announce

that for every can
of wolf cola sold,

a portion of the proceeds
will be going to a charity

that supports African people.

All africans,

even the...
Our friends at boko haram,

because they are people, too.

We don't discriminate.
Okay, right.

Uh, yeah, look, Chet, if I may

address the public directly?

By all means. Okay.

Um, I assure you

that we have righted this ship,

and we are taking
every step necessary

to address all of your concerns.

We at wolf cola hope
to be a part

of your family's daily
refreshment for years to come.

And we can say that
without saying I'm sorry.

Well, Mr. Reynolds,

it sounds like wolf cola has
the right man in charge.

Yeah. Well, I appreciate that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

I thought we were done
with the dog segment.

What the hell's this?
Oh. Looks like we got

a lovable little guy
loose in the studio here.

Yeah. Can we get him out
of here?

Great. Thanks. Not a dog

lover, Mr. Reynolds? Yeah.

Well, if you're asking me if I,

if I like wild animals
slobbering all over me,

then, yeah,
I guess I'm not really a...

Not really a dog lover then.
Wow. I have

never met a person who
does not like dogs before.

Yeah. Yeah, well...

There are plenty of us
out there,

uh, Chet. Okay, trust me.
We're just afraid to admit it

because we feel like we're gonna
be judged by people like you.

Well, let's take a break. You know what?
Actually, I'm not done.

Uh, Chet, are you a
vegetarian by any chance? No.

Oh, so you're a hypocrite. Yeah.

See, I find that most people
that are whining

about dog fights
are actually the same people

going to football games
and ufc fights,

watching human beings
beat the ever-loving shit

out of each other while eating,
uh, fried chicken.

So, wait. Are you saying you're
an animal rights activist?

No, I'm actually
the opposite, pal.

I can't imagine a bigger waste
of people's time and energy.

I mean, Chet, if you can eat
fried chicken, then

I should be able
to eat me some fried dog.

Know what I'm saying?
I should be able to eat a bucket

of fried dog at a chicken fight.

Yeah. All I'm saying is,

look, let's just, you know,
let's be consistent.

How you feeling, boys?
You've been pounding

that new formula?
Yeah, I see you doing it.

Yeah, and we're not doing
so good, asshole,

'cause nothing's
coming out of me.

My trash can's empty.

Yeah, we're scared to shit we ain't
gonna make weight. Oh, guys.

Guys, just don't worry. Yeah, yeah,
don't worry. No, guys, guys, guys.

Don't worry. Okay,
look, this is all a part

of our two-step
process, all right?

See, right now,
you're crow loading...

Yeah, you've...
You've drank about, like,

four or five entire crows

'cause I'm grinding one up
for every bottle at this point.

Yes, and it is that crow enzyme
that's jacking you up,

and that's why you look so
beefy and so handsome. And...

All right, but then what's gonna
happen is, you start drinking

the fight milk classic, right,

and-and that's gonna
make you really sick,

'cause that's just the crow eggs

and some
of the crow's fecal matter.

So you start
to puke everything out,

and then you'll be
fine for the weigh-in.

You're gonna be puking
on your dick in no time.

Yeah, yeah, that one's real
nasty. Don't worry about it.

Yeah. You're gonna make
weight at the weigh-in.

Yeah, all I know is,
we don't make weight,

I'm killing you both.

Yeah.

- All right.
- Uh, that's fine.

We're gonna be... We're good.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys, hey, go...
go kick ass.

Remember, that's the nasty one.
Drink that one.

That one's got a real...

¶ ¶

all right,

let's bring out
the first fighter, cub Swanson.

We got to get him on fight milk, man.
Oh, yeah, we got to get him.

We got to get him. We got
to get him drinking it.

Up next, the challenger,
Donald "cowboy" cerrone.

Cowboy! Yeah!

Yes!

This is it. This is it, dude.
If he makes weight,

this is gonna change fight milk
and our lives forever.

I know, but if he doesn't,
we're bolting, right?

Oh, yeah. I've already
scoped out every single exit.

Cowboy! Cowboy! 155.

Yes!

Yeah. We did it!

We're gonna be rich! We did it!
We're gonna be rich!

We're gonna be rich. Let's go.

All right, cowboy,
how you feeling right now?

I'm feeling good. Ready to put
on a show for all these guys.

What the hell is going on?
Who are these guys?

Uh, just like to take the
opportunity to thank fight milk.

Yes, and thank you, cowboy,
and thank you, Megan.

We'd also like
to take this opportunity

to announce
that fight milk is now

the official drink of the ufc.
Official drink.

Now, if you're in...

No, no.

This is not
the official drink of the ufc.

And I don't know
who these guys are.

Security, get these assholes out of here!
Fight milk!

Fight milk! Fight milk!

Fight milk!
Fight milk! Fight milk!

Fight milk! Fight milk!

The nationwide hatred
of wolf cola

continues to intensify
on an hourly basis...

Holy shit. We're getting
hammered worse than before.

Bye-bye, frank's fluids.

Turns out there are two things
that can't be forgiven...

Raping children
and disliking dogs.

Well, what am I gonna do
with all the merchandise, man?

Throw it in the garbage,
burn it. Who gives a shit?

Yeah, we're done.
Fight milk shit the bed.

What happened? Breaking news

from the sports world.

Fighters at a ufc

event in Philly tested positive

for several banned substances,

stemming from an energy drink
called fight milk.

We pumped it full of human
growth hormone, you know. Yeah.

I mean, just nothing
else was working.

It just... it was just
giving people diarrhea.

Mm. Ugh.

Starting to become known

as the official drink
of the ufc,

this fight milk is
a serious smudge for the group,

and a potential
public relations nightmare.

Ooh. Holy shit. Holy shit.

What? You guys, this is good.

This is good. We're freed,
and they are screwed.

See, this is actually
the one good thing

about the 24-hour news cycle.

If you give it enough time,
something new will come along

to replace people's old
outrage with new outrage.

Not much is known
about fight milk,

except that it's made
right here in Philadelphia

by a parent company
known as frank's fluids.

Goddamn it!

Start the clock.

Yeah.

Captioned by
media access group at wgbh

look, as we all know, everything
is about emotion with women.

Right, Dee? What?

Oh, my god! Whoa! Whoa.

All right, Dee. Relax.

We're trying to have
a rational conversation.

Sunny. All new.

Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.

I am a very dangerous man

to know.

Taboo.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.

Man seeking woman.

All new, wednesdays at 10:30.

Only on fxx.

What kind of a clown
do you think you are?

You know, the sad clown,
the distraught clown.

More like a dead-inside clown.

- What are you doing? Chip!
- I'll pick those up.

Oh, god!

Baskets.

All new Thursdays at 10:00.
On fx.

So, is he crazy?

He believes he's mentally ill.

But at the same time,
part of him knows...

The power's real.

Take an hour of his time.

Wow. Look at Stan's yard.

Someone's been busy.

Clearly not in ours. Maybe
Henry can do some work today.

Yeah.

I forget your back is always
bad this time of year.

Only when there are leaves...

When did you wash this last?