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Man Seeking Woman.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.
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On FXX.
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FXX presents It's Always
Sunny in Philadelphia.
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You really think
Jack can handle this case?
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Yeah, he's a lawyer.
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Besides, Bill, you're broke.
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He's the best lawyer
you can afford.
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Yeah, Bill, you got to relax,
okay? Uncle Jack
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and I... we got this case.
Now-now, listen to me.
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Liam McPoyle's gonna
come at you hard, all right?
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But-but I've done my research.
I got something with this
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00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,702
bird theory that's gonna
blow the court away. I-I...
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I don't... I don't think
we should pursue
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this bird nonsense, Charlie.
Yes.
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I-I'm well-versed in bird law.
Look,
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Pondy, keep your
eye on the prize.
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This goes well, it's party time.
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What is that?
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Is that... is that drugs, Frank?
Yeah.
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No, dude, I need you
keeping him clean,
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all right?
That's why you're here.
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I got to have the drugs here
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to keep him clean.
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Well, that doesn't make sense.
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I... Get rid
of the drugs, Frank.
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I-I don't want that.
Hey, boys.
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You ready for the big show?
Yes, good, how you feeling?
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You good, you do your homework, you
know your talking points? Yeah.
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Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, cool as a cucumber.
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You can... you can get off my back.
Well, don't sass me,
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I just... It was just a general
Well, then don't hound me.
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Question, Dee. I'm just saying
if you don't want sass,
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then you should probably stop being
a hound. All right, whatever.
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Mac, why are you here?
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This is your big day, dude.
McPoyle suing Ponderosa?
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It's huge, it's like the
trial of the century.
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Come on, man, everybody's got
a thing. Don't leave me out.
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Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a
thing. Dennis has got a thing.
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Dennis has a thing...
What are you talking about?
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Oh!
D... What are you doing here?
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There's got to be a way
to get this court
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to let me out
of my alimony payments.
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I mean, have you guys seen
Maureen? The woman has gone
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almost full cat.
It's-it's madness.
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I shouldn't have
to pay for that,
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so I'm gonna talk to the judge,
get him to throw it
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on the docket,
you know what I mean?
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No, absolutely not.
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That's gonna distract
from my case.
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Buddy, you don't
have a case, okay?
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You are not a lawyer.
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Uncle Jack's just
got you here handling
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his papers for him
'cause he can't do it
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'cause he's wearing
those goddamn...
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big hands over his hands.
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I don't know what that is. What is that?
I don't know what it is.
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All right, well, either way,
this whole thing's gonna be
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a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna
enjoy every second of it.
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No, it's gonna go fine.
No, it isn't.
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No, it's gonna be fine.
This is hardly the trial
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of the century. Everything's
gonna go just great.
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On a scale of one to ten,
how much sass
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are you gonna give me today?
A-Are you serious?
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And hello to... you all.
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What's the Jew lawyer
doing here?
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Not Jewish, and even if I was,
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what difference would it make?
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I meant that as a compliment.
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Everybody knows
Jews are the best lawyers.
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I can't wait
to crush you people.
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I'll be representing
Liam McPoyle today.
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Where is Liam? Well, he
actually got pinkeye
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in his one good eye.
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Well, in truth, someone
named Doc McPoyle
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attempted to put some sort of
healing milk in his pinkeye
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and it got infected,
but that doesn't matter.
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The point is...
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you'll be dealing with me today.
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00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,187
And you'll be dealing
with me today.
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Jack Kelly, lawyer.
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Good to see you again.
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Are those fake hands?
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No.
Are those fake hands?
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You know what, good luck
with all of that today.
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Did you see his hands?
They're beautiful.
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I think we should settle.
What... Jesus Christ.
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I'm going to prison.
It's gonna be fine.
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67th District Court
is now in session.
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Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.
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Please remove your hats and
turn off your cell phones.
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Okay. We have
McPoyle v. Ponderosa.
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Seeking damages for the loss
of an eye in the form
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of a one-time payment
to the sum of...
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$200.
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Are the plaintiffs present?
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I will be representing
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the plaintiffs, Your Honor.
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The defendants?
Uh, yes, Your Honor.
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And I just, uh, wanted to say
I'm very excited
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to be here.
I do estate law,
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and this is my first
actual trial.
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Uh, Your Honor, and if I may,
uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.
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00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,579
Uh, background
in bird law, uh...
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Nephew. Yeah. But excited to
be, uh, in the people's court
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a-and a big fan
of black judges,
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too.
Stop touching me.
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Okay. Look.
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All I need are the facts
to this case.
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I have a very long
day ahead of me,
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so I'm gonna need
to keep this thing moving.
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Are you gonna bang the, uh...
Yeah, yeah.
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The-the hammer?
Do we...? Is there a...?
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Here we go?
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Hey. That's the...
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Awesome.
Yeah.
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It's cool, right?
Yeah, nice.
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Your Honor,
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Friday the 13th
was a night of chaos.
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Milk,
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spiked with bath salts
by this man,
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Bill Ponderosa,
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was served
to the wedding guests.
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Now, my client is odd.
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You might even
refer to his family as...
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...very creepy.
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But they are saints compared
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to Bill Ponderosa
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and the sordid lot
of degenerates
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he associates with.
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Terrible people who ruin lives.
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Ruined mine,
cost my client his marriage,
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ruined my first,
now my second one is teetering.
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You know what...
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I'm gonna sit down.
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I'm done.
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They just do this to me, okay?
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You get the point.
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Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,
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I'll keep it brief.
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I just have three things to say.
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Uh, one:
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Liam McPoyle
has a history of lying.
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My client
is a loving
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family man.
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He is innocent.
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Deandra Reynolds,
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you were the one that
told the police that Bill had
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spiked the punch with bath salts.
That's correct.
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00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,894
But you didn't actually
see him do it, did you?
150
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,797
No, I did not.
So is it possible that,
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given the traumatic nature
of the evening,
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that you don't
remember the evening
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all that well?
Yes, that's correct.
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My car was destroyed and I
was locked into a freezer.
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My memory was clouded by rage,
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and so I misremembered
the incident.
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An understandable mistake.
Could happen to any one of us.
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For example,
you remember me, possibly,
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as a man with small hands.
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Yeah, you think...
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What... you think, "He
had small hands."
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Do you remember that?
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Yeah, sure, okay.
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What you remember is false.
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O-Okay.
Yup.
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Big, masculine.
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My hands tell a story
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of greatness.
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- And when you look at my right hand...
- I'm gonna st...
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uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you
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right now.
Are you just gonna
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talk about your hands
for a while?
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Uh, no, Your Honor.
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No more questions
for the witness.
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Deandra,
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here is the statement
that you gave
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to police.
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"Bill did it.
That goddamn drug addict
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"is out of his mind.
I'll testify to that.
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"I swear on my mother's
grave that Bill spiked
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"that milk, no doubt about it.
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He's guilty, guilty, guilty."
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Uh...
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Have you ever had sex
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with Bill before?
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Yeah.
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Yes, sure.
Because we-we were...
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We had a... We were sort of...
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We were lovers for a little...
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One of his prostitutes, right.
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Prostitutes?
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00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:30,715
Um, I have a receipt
for a mink coat,
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recently purchased
by a Bill Ponderosa
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to be delivered
to a Dee Reynolds.
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A gift?
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00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,759
Yes. I had a birthday.
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Six months ago.
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Uh...
Are you aware
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that the coat was purchased
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00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,666
at Doyle McPoyle's
Trappings and Fur?
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00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,934
No.
Or that the coat
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was not made of mink at all
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00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,938
but rather made of... muskrat?
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00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:56,007
Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat?
Are you kidding me,
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Bill? Okay, you know
what, fine, he spiked it.
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00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:01,146
I'm sorry. What did you say?
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00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,014
He spiked it and then
he tried to bribe me.
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00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,252
No further questions,
Your Honor.
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00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:10,489
Ma'am, do you know
what perjury is?
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Mm-hmm.
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00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,593
Oh, this is terrible.
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00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,094
Well, he shouldn't be...
This is terrible.
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00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,662
Wow, you guys are getting
crushed in there.
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00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,498
Yeah. Oh, I know.
Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.
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Hey, you know, I feel like
I'm not being utilized properly.
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00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,968
Well, that's 'cause
you don't have anything.
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00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,503
So you're not being
utilized at all.
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00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,505
Yeah, but what if I get
to deliver the bombshell?
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00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:29,174
Oh.
What bombshell?
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00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,610
You guys don't have
a bombshell? Oh, my God.
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00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,645
Every good case
needs a bombshell.
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00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,280
Oh, Jesus Christ,
and, without it,
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00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,649
you're screwed. You know
what, you know what? Okay.
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00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:39,651
I'll find one for you. I'm
gonna do, like, a hero cop,
225
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,219
Mark Fuhrman thing...
Oh, Mark Furhman. No...
226
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,454
and then sort of transition
into a Kato Kaelin.
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00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,222
Yeah, I wish you
would do none of it.
228
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,624
Okay. All right. Cool.
I wish you'd do none of it, man.
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I'm on it, I'm on it. Shit.
Okay. All right.
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00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,127
Ah, why can't people
just stay out of this?
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00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,029
Yeah, look, there's potentially...
That-That's my bird expert.
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00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,632
He's from Penn. The guy... Like,
he's totally official, okay?
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00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,967
Let me do the bird thing. He's an
ornithologist. I don't think it's a good...
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00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,502
I'm gonna kill, man. I know,
but, Charlie, I'm just...
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00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:58,803
Uncle Jack, put me back
on the stand. What?
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00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,405
No, we cannot.
Are you kidding me?
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00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:01,873
You're lucky you didn't
get sent to jail.
238
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,408
Yeah, I know.
But I think this could work.
239
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,976
I'm gonna say
I found some bullshit online
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00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,079
that proves that lawyer's Jewish.
Oh.
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00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,749
So what? So what? He'll
be a laughingstock.
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00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,984
Yes. Yes. Right?
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00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,753
Because the man is Jewish?
244
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,424
No. What? No. Not because he's...
Well, that's what
245
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,893
it sounds like you're saying. N-Not
because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar
246
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,662
and because he's embarrassed
about being Jewish.
247
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:24,996
I mean, what is that?
248
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,665
Dee, you blew it.
Like, big-time.
249
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,667
I wish you guys would just stay
out of this.
250
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,509
I-I didn't... I-I...
251
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:38,109
Maureen, you are the sister
of Bill Ponderosa,
252
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:41,079
and it was at your wedding
that Liam got attacked?
253
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,381
Meow.
Mmm.
254
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:46,785
Your Honor, nothing represents
the tragic aftermath
255
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,888
more than the dramatic
transformation of this woman...
256
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,591
Uh, cat.
Excuse me?
257
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,259
As I transition
from woman to cat,
258
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:58,029
I must insist on being
referred to as a cat.
259
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,465
Objection.
She's not a cat, Your Honor.
260
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:05,070
If the witness wants to consider
herself a cat, I will allow it.
261
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,938
I just need to know
where all this is headed.
262
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,573
How is this relevant?
263
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,208
Well, it's clearly relevant
264
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,310
the attack had
a psychological impact
265
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:15,113
on all the parties that evening.
266
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,282
No further questions.
267
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,719
Y-Your Honor, do you see what's
going on here? This is crazy.
268
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,788
You know what, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna approach the bench. No.
269
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,057
Can I just approach it real fast?
Absolutely not.
270
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,793
All right, earlier, you-you
referred to my ex-wife as a cat,
271
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,796
per her request. Uh, now,
surely, you wouldn't force a man
272
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,798
to pay alimony to a cat, right?
273
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,901
So motion to establish me not
having to pay alimony anymore.
274
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:39,437
I will not allow that. Okay, well, so can
we just... we'll pop it on the docket?
275
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,406
We can put it at the end
of the day if you want.
276
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,508
I just want to clear it up
while I got her in a courtroom.
277
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,977
I will not allow that, either.
Sit down.
278
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,979
Now you don't allow something.
Now you don't allow something!
279
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,081
Allow all this.
You gonna allow that?
280
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,785
You know? But you don't...
Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.
281
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,353
Frank,
282
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,689
did you go to the wedding?
I did.
283
00:10:57,691 --> 00:11:00,492
And I snuck Ryan up in
the trunk of my car.
284
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:03,995
He hadn't been invited to the wedding,
on account of the beef with Liam.
285
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,865
And I had him in the trunk of the car, on
account of I didn't want to sit with him
286
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,299
'cause he's gross.
Right.
287
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,036
And, uh, uh,
288
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:14,539
what did Ryan say to you
when you got to the wedding?
289
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,941
"I'm gonna kill
Maureen Ponderosa."
290
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:21,279
So, if there's someone to point
the finger at, it would be...
291
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,481
his brother!
292
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,885
Oh, my God! Oh, my
God, nobody look!
293
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,320
Nobody look! Nobody look!
294
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,890
Nobody look!
Nobody look!
295
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,558
Nobody look!
296
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,461
Now, you've stabbed
297
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,229
your brother before, correct?
298
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,998
Oh, sure.
299
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,499
And you were upset
at the wedding.
300
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:45,336
So it's not crazy
for me to ask you this.
301
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,907
Ryan McPoyle, did you attack
your brother at the wedding?
302
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:52,177
Oh. I'm not Ryan.
303
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:55,246
What, you're not?
Nope.
304
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:58,249
I'm Lion. Like the animal.
305
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,818
Lion McPoyle.
306
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,986
Wh-Why are you on the stand?
307
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,588
Because you said "his brother"
308
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,690
and threw your big fake hand
at me.
309
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:08,259
O-Okay. Ryan's at home with Liam,
taking care of his infected eye.
310
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,894
Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,
311
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,897
str-strike that, uh,
hand comment from the record.
312
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,333
Uh, would you happen to know
313
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,502
if Ryan stabbed his brother
in the eye?
314
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,404
Oh, yeah. I know.
He totally did it.
315
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,506
Well, then I guess
316
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,042
we will never know,
ladies and gentlemen.
317
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,777
Uncle Jack, he just confessed!
318
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:27,412
He did?
Yes!
319
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,681
Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam.
I totally saw it.
320
00:12:29,683 --> 00:12:31,583
Oh, my God! We won!
321
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:33,885
We... you did it.
322
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,787
We did it.
How did I do it?
323
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:38,690
Lion, was Ryan drinking milk
at the wedding?
324
00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:40,391
Of course. Everyone was.
325
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,728
So who did the stabbing
doesn't matter, Your Honor,
326
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,764
because they were all
still drugged
327
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,767
on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,
328
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:51,870
which is the point I've been
trying to make the entire time.
329
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:55,473
So just to be clear,
you've proven my case.
330
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,642
You lose.
331
00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:01,079
I
can't follow any of this.
332
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:04,249
What?
Guys, I got it.
333
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,884
You-you got what?
334
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,386
I got the bombshell.
335
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,388
Okay, Mr. McDonald,
336
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:14,058
you recently found out some
very interesting information.
337
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,227
Care to share it with the court?
338
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,563
Yes. I've recently been informed
339
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:22,967
that Ryan McPoyle
only drinks mother's milk!
340
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,069
Which means there's no way
341
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:28,139
he could have drank the
milk that Bill spiked,
342
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,742
which means he was sober
when he attacked his brother,
343
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:32,477
which means Bill is innocent!
344
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,113
Case closed! Kaboom!
345
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,182
Bombshell!
346
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,351
I did it. I did it,
black judge. I did it.
347
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,288
Mr... Mr. McDonald, how did you
come upon this information?
348
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,924
Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle.
I'm curious
349
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:49,194
how she told you,
because Margaret is a mute.
350
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,697
Well, guess what, smart guy,
I had her write it down.
351
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:57,669
One more thing, Your Honor.
Margaret, you carry a picture
352
00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:00,104
of Mother with you at
all times, don't you?
353
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,666
Do you mind showing
that to the court?
354
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,649
Your Honor,
355
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:14,452
Mother is the name
of the McPoyle family cow.
356
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,821
The cow that provided the milk
for the wedding.
357
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,957
The milk that was drugged by...
358
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:22,293
Bill Ponderosa.
359
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:25,296
That mute bitch
lied to me for sex.
360
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,031
Bombshell diffused.
361
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,867
Abramowitz!
362
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:32,637
Your great-grandmother's
last name was Abramowitz.
363
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,539
I found it
on an ancestry Web site.
364
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:40,979
That makes you a dirty liar
because you are Jewish.
365
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:45,149
Okay, I...
That came out kind of bad.
366
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,485
I-I'm not disgusted
by the Jewish part.
367
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,587
It's the... it's the lying part
that I was talking about.
368
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:53,057
This dirty liar is a Jew...
369
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,059
ish man.
370
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,061
Recess?
371
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,897
Oh, God!
372
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,698
Oh, that stupid Dee.
All right, calm down, calm down.
373
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,567
Look, as the great
Johnnie Cochran once said,
374
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,402
if the glove
doesn't fit, give up.
375
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,337
That's not what he said!
That's not... It...
376
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,839
How are you a lawyer, Jack?
All right...
377
00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:09,774
I mean, I know more than
you. All right, look...
378
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,576
Watch your voice. Watch your voice.
Okay, okay, let's just...
379
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,211
let me do my bird
thing. Okay, Bill,
380
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,879
I want to do the bird thing.
Can we just do it...?
381
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,447
Yeah, that's great. No,
let's do the bird thing.
382
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,182
You're good with it now?
Okay. Love it, yeah.
383
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:20,418
Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with?
Shut up, bitch.
384
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,587
Son? Your... This is...
Your son is your dealer?
385
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,922
He's reliable.
386
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,723
Oh, God. Frank, what
are you doing, man?
387
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,859
Come on, reign it in.
I paid for it.
388
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:30,295
I'm gonna do it. Hey, fat ass,
this asshole's short 30 bucks.
389
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,597
Go steal another set of my
golf clubs, you piece of shit.
390
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,632
you.
Piss off.
391
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,567
Guys, guys, we're doing the bird
theory, all right? All right.
392
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,603
All right. All right. All right.
I'm taking the lead here, okay?
393
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,371
Yeah. All right, let's do it.
Birds on three.
394
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,473
One, two, three. Birds!
Those are just ridiculous, man.
395
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,476
It's like three hands... like
eight hands out there. Yeah.
396
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,278
Your Honor,
397
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,147
this is the McPoyle
family crest.
398
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,716
On it you will find a bird...
399
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,285
A Pocono swallow,
to be more accurate.
400
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,987
A very rare, very elusive bird.
401
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,488
You'll notice its trademark
402
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,959
unibrow, highly uncommon
in most aviary circles.
403
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,560
And my research shows
404
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,563
that unlike your typical
North American barn swallow,
405
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,466
the Pocono swallow, if kept
under the proper conditions,
406
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,469
can live as long as 80
to even 85 years,
407
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,171
much like a parrot
408
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,673
or some of the more resilient
coastal gulls.
409
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,509
Your Honor, where is this going?
410
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:22,146
I don't know, but it'd
better lead somewhere fast.
411
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,514
Your Honor, I can assure you
412
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,016
that this will be
our final argument.
413
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,818
Well, if it's gonna help
end all of this madness,
414
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,252
I'll allow it.
415
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:29,620
Thank you, Your Honor.
416
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,522
Now, there was another member
417
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,358
of the McPoyle family clan
at the wedding
418
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,826
the night of the incident.
419
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:37,161
A member
that none of us have met.
420
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:39,330
Certainly not anyone
on this side of the aisle.
421
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:43,001
A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.
422
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:46,104
A bird. The McPoyle family's
423
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,840
pet Pocono swallow,
and my research shows
424
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,375
that this particular
Pocono swallow
425
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,710
has a history of violence.
426
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:55,613
Look into the gallery, and
you will see Royal's victims.
427
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:58,049
It took Margaret's
vocal cords in 1999,
428
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,051
leaving her mute.
429
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,053
Keith McPoyle lost his eyes
and his ears
430
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,455
to it in '76, and we all know
431
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,891
that according to bird law,
it's three strikes,
432
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,726
and you're out.
433
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:11,229
Bye, bye, birdie.
434
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:14,065
Ready, boys and girls, because
here's where it gets good.
435
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:16,801
Ryan McPoyle didn't
attack Liam. Royal did.
436
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,637
And Lion was lying about
Ryan attacking Liam
437
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,239
to protect Royal from the chair.
438
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,807
Or lethal injection.
439
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,642
Or perhaps some sort of
small bird guillotine.
440
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,344
I wouldn't understand
the physics of it.
441
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,079
I'm not an executioner.
442
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:31,282
I'm just the best goddamn
bird lawyer in the world.
443
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,253
So, bottom line... and
listen up, numbnuts,
444
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:38,156
'cause it blows a
hole in your case...
445
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,025
Birds don't drink milk.
446
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,727
Objection, Your Honor.
447
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,363
There's no Royal McPoyle.
448
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:48,499
Perhaps, or perhaps not.
449
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:52,770
Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle
to the stand.
450
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:56,741
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch
of the McPoyle family.
451
00:17:56,743 --> 00:18:00,278
Royal was your pet bird. You've
had him since you were a boy.
452
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,181
And isn't it true that you never
go anywhere without him?
453
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,916
Yeah. Yeah.
454
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,884
I have seen...
455
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,220
raccoons and oysters dancing...
456
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,422
in the head of a pin
with the angels.
457
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,124
They are laughing.
458
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,792
All right, Your Honor,
459
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:17,028
clearly, this witness
is mentally unwell
460
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:19,597
and cannot answer any
of the questions properly...
461
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,233
Uh, perhaps, Your Honor,
or-or perhaps it's just a cover.
462
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:23,935
But it's quite all right.
463
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,937
I don't have
any further questions.
464
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,905
Oh, except one more.
465
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:31,943
Didn't the bailiff ask everyone
to remove their hats?
466
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,445
That is true.
467
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,147
Mr. McPoyle,
468
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:38,216
would you please
remove your hat?
469
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:41,986
Hmm... Mr. McPoyle,
please remove your hat.
470
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:44,555
Perhaps he is too insane
to understand the question.
471
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,991
Why don't I just...?
472
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,731
Ladies and gentlemen,
Royal McPoyle.
473
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,400
Chickadee, dee, dee,
little birdie.
474
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:57,802
Let's dance.
475
00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,670
Your Honor, this is
Mr. Belka Maier.
476
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,806
He's a professor of ornithology
at the University of Penn.
477
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,307
Mr. Maier, it's
safe to say
478
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,243
you're a bit of an
expert on birds, yes?
479
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,978
I believe you're correct.
480
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,980
And you would understand this
Pocono swallow quite well,
481
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,481
wouldn't you?
Yes, I do.
482
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,850
Then please ask it
if it attacked Liam!
483
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,453
Ask... if... What?
484
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,255
Mr. Maier, I would
like you to please talk
485
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:20,525
to the bird and say, "Did
you attack Liam McPoyle?!"
486
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:23,828
I can't converse with...
with a bird.
487
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,597
Well, I thought you were an expert on
birds. I am an expert on birds, but...
488
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,499
Well, I need you to
communicate with the bird.
489
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,535
- This is very important, and I need to...
- But it's a...
490
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,771
Well, this is
a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.
491
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,606
Perhaps this man
has lied about his credentials.
492
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:39,143
Uh, fortunately, I am familiar
with a little bit of pigeon.
493
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:42,346
Perhaps I can
get through to it in some way.
494
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:46,350
Okay.
495
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,019
Your Honor, this is nonsense.
496
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,154
Look, kitty.
497
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:52,156
Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty.
498
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,225
Order. Your Honor, you've got
a man speaking to a bird.
499
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,160
And yet, you refuse to rule
500
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:58,729
on me having
to pay alimony to this cat.
501
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,164
What is this?!
Order!
502
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,332
It's a mockery of
justice, Your Honor.
503
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,401
This is ridiculous, and this...
504
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:06,637
I said, order!
505
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,573
He's talking to the pigeon!
506
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,675
I'm not paying alimony
to a goddamn cat!
507
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:13,144
Order!
I want order in this court!
508
00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:14,712
Fly, my pet!
509
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,080
Fly!
510
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,917
Bring me their eyes!
511
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,257
Bring them to me!
512
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,326
Oh!
513
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,203
In my 35 years on
this bench, I have never seen
514
00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:41,005
such a mockery made
of this courtroom.
515
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:44,508
You people have wasted my time,
516
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,344
you've wasted
the taxpayers' time,
517
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,413
and this justice
has heard enough.
518
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:50,848
I am throwing this case out.
519
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,350
I should've done it hours ago.
520
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,684
He's throwing it out!
That means we win!
521
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,219
That means we win!
That means we won!
522
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:57,755
Damn, damn, damn!
523
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,290
Order.
524
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,959
Eat that!
Damn it!
525
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:02,960
Order!
526
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:05,363
This court has ruled.
527
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,265
Now, I suggest
528
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,267
that you people get
the hell out of my courtroom
529
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,035
before I put you all in jail.
530
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:12,470
You got it!
Get out!
531
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,372
Bailiff, next case.
532
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:16,741
Ridiculous.
533
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,376
We have Morgan State Delivery
534
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:20,745
v. The proprietors
of one Paddy's Pub.
535
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:23,748
Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor.
Oh, that's us. Oh!
536
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,650
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.
537
00:21:25,652 --> 00:21:27,772
All right.
Uh-uh!
538
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,324
Brown.
539
00:22:10,263 --> 00:22:12,096
♪
540
00:22:12,598 --> 00:22:13,998
Wednesdays.
541
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,533
- Yeah?
- The all new season.
542
00:22:15,535 --> 00:22:17,168
- Yeah?
- Hot one today, huh?
543
00:22:20,606 --> 00:22:23,174
- Oh!
- We're mainlining wine.
544
00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:25,176
We can't mainline beer because
it's got bubbles in it.
545
00:22:25,178 --> 00:22:26,310
We tried. It was bad.
546
00:22:26,312 --> 00:22:28,813
Sunny. All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00.
547
00:22:28,815 --> 00:22:30,114
Only on FXX.
548
00:22:31,818 --> 00:22:34,852
The dominant
female toys with her prey...
549
00:22:36,322 --> 00:22:40,958
but quickly loses interest
and moves on to the next...
550
00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:48,299
Oh.
551
00:22:48,301 --> 00:22:51,902
Ah, come on.
552
00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:56,540
Aaah!
553
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:02,152
Oh.
554
00:23:03,683 --> 00:23:05,216
Happens to the best of us.
555
00:23:05,218 --> 00:23:06,016
No.
556
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:13,891
Man Seeking Woman.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.
557
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,493
On FXX.
558
00:23:30,676 --> 00:23:32,743
There's a spot on this.
559
00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:40,885
Baskets. All new,Thursdays at 10:00.
560
00:23:40,887 --> 00:23:42,286
Only on FX.
561
00:23:43,523 --> 00:23:45,055
This is a fiasco.
562
00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:46,424
I think that we
should cut a deal.
563
00:23:46,426 --> 00:23:47,758
It is not that simple.
564
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,126
I deserve to get hurt.
565
00:23:49,128 --> 00:23:51,095
The People v. O.J. Simpson.
566
00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:53,330
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
567
00:23:54,534 --> 00:23:55,933
This spring...
568
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:58,469
How awesome is it to be back
doing what we're best at?
569
00:24:00,239 --> 00:24:03,040
- I'm starving. -Please. The only
thing you eat is cocktail onions.
570
00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:04,408
Archer.
571
00:24:04,410 --> 00:24:06,944
Pam!
572
00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:09,580
I will stop,
but I will not apologize.
573
00:24:09,582 --> 00:24:12,650
The all new season
starts Thursday, March 31.
574
00:24:12,652 --> 00:24:14,385
Only on FX.
43194
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