All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia S10E04 1080p & 720p WEB-DL

Frank, pick up!

Pick up, buddy, pick up, pick
up, pick up, pick up, pick up!

- Hello!
- I got a Code Red, here, pal.

I got a Code Red. I just got tipped off
that the health inspector's coming today!

The guy's gonna be here
in like 15 minutes.

They're pulling
a fast one on us!

Okay, I got the place looking
pretty good already,

'cause I was anticipating something
like this, but do me a favor.

Make sure no one is in
the bar today, okay?

I cannot have those guys in
here making a mess, you got it?

Oh, shit.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

What the hell is this?

Why are there chickens
everywhere?

No time to explain it to you,
you wouldn't get it anyway.

- What are you painting?
- It's a new sign. Okay? Look.

"Carmine's: A Place for Steaks."

What? No, I can't have
you put that sign up.

The health inspector's coming,
like, any minute!

- So what?
- So what? So we're not Carmine's.

Look, I can't have
them see the sign.

Who gives a shit?
We always get a passing grade.

Yeah, we get a passing grade
because I bust my ass

to make sure that
happens, okay?

And we don't pretend
that we're a restaurant!

Look, this is fucking crazy!
No sign!

No, we're using the sign, because
the sign's a big part of the plan.

What is the plan?
What is happening?

Charlie, we found
a loophole in the system.

Yeah, it's a closing loophole;
It involves airline miles and points.

You're doing a chicken and
airline miles scam today?

Look, it is a great
plan, okay?

We do not have a ton of time to
explain it to you, we're busy...

Okay, fine, whatever,
I get it, I get it.

- No, you don't.
- It's a good plan, Charlie.

Frank, Jesus Christ, man,
where are your shoes?

- I lost 'em in the bathroom.
- All right, goddamn it.

I gotta think here. Okay,
here's what we're gonna do.

We gotta get all these
chickens and coops

and feathers and everything
in the back office. Now! Go!

Why the hell would
we do that?

Well, I assume you don't
want a health inspector

seeing anything about a chicken
"scam" you're trying to pull off.

- That's a good point.
- All right, yeah, fine.

But don't pretend like you understand
the plan, 'cause that's gonna piss me off.

Okay. Dee, get the joke stool
in the basement, all right?

- Can't have it out.
- What? No way.

It's hilarious.

It's not hilarious, it's just a stool
with a nail sticking out of it.

Yeah, and when it pokes their
butts, they scream,

'cause they just got
a nail right in the butt.

I... you don't understand
comedy, at all.

You don't understand comedy.
That's not a joke, it's a lawsuit.

Just put it in the basement.

- All right, all right, fine. Okay! Relax!
- Can't have the guy sitting on that...

All right, Frank, let's go.
Bathroom! Come on!

- I gotta find your shoes! Let's go,
let's go. - All right, all right...

And then help with the chickens, if you
can, please. Move, move, move, move.

How could you have possibly
lost your shoes in...

Oh, my God. No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- What's wrong with the toilet?
- Looks clogged.

What the hell? I just had these all
in, like, perfect working condition.

- Must be my shoes.
- Your shoes? What are you talking about?

Well, when I said I lost my shoes, I didn't
mean I didn't know where they were.

It's just that they were gone.

You flushed your shoes down the toilet?
Why would you do that?

It's an anxiety
thing, Charlie.

Everybody's moving so fast all
of a sudden, it freaks me out.

Flushing things gives me control.
It's a thing.

- That's not a thing.
- It's a thing.

That's not a thing, I've never heard of
that thing. All right, I gotta dig 'em out.

- Want me to get a snake tool?
- No, I'm just gonna...

Look, just go help with
the chickens, okay?

Help with
the chickens, please?

Get 'em in the back office, do
whatever you can!

Charlie, I need you for
something.

Goddamn,
the thing's broken.

Look, can you give me
that fix bag right there?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Hey, listen, um... we've got a
huge problem out there, dude.

- Oh.
- Earlier, when Dennis said

"We've got a really good
idea with this plan,"

that wasn't entirely accurate,
'cause it was actually my idea

and I think the usage of the word "we"
in there is really confusing, because,

like, how can a whole group of people
have the same idea at the same time?

What, do they just
say it all at once? It's ludicrous.

I don't understand why you're
angling for credit right now.

We'll go through the normal arbitration
process at the end of all of this.

Right. Well, I've just been screwed
at the last three arbitration processes,

and I just want you to be on my side,
you know? 'Cause I really need you.

Whatever, dude. I don't care.
Wait.

What happened
to the glory hole cover?

I took it off. I-I thought you...
you put it on there by accident.

No, I put it up there because
I don't want the health inspector

seeing that we have a place for a person
to get their dick sucked by a stranger.

Dude, uou are taking this whole
inspection thing way too seriously, okay?

Back to the credit issue... you just don't
know what it's like to be overlooked.

Oh, my God, that's exactly
what's happening to me right now.

Okay. You know what? Maybe
I'll just casually bring it up

to him and then he won't even
know what we're talking about.

Ha! I got a fix! I got a fix
right here-- all right,

we'll just put this up
and boom, that's pretty good.

What was that?
Why did the lights go out?

Uh, that could be
the vacuum sealer.

That thing probably
pulls a lot of power.

- Vacuum sealer? What the hell?
- Yeah.

All right, where's this
packaging machine thing?

- The keg room.
- The keg room?

Okay, good, they're back on. Frank,
Frank, Frank, don't go away!

Okay, keep moving chickens, yes, but I need
you to take the "Talk American" sign down.

Are you sure?
Maybe he's a racist, too.

The health inspector's not
a racist, Frank.

Take it down, please, okay?
And shoes-- shoes, please?

Find some shoes?

- I got this.
- Oh, shit! This thing's tits!

No, no, no, you can't use
this machine, okay?

It blew the surge
protector.

Well, we can't do the plan
without the packaging machine.

- How else are we supposed
to vacuum-seal the steaks? - Steaks?

This is a chicken and air mile
and steak scam, now?

- Yeah.
- All right, fine.

I can work with it,
I can work with it.

Just do me a favor, start packaging
lemons and limes and things,

- make it seem like
we package... - Fun.

- Dee, I need you down in the basement,
I need your reach. - Me?

Yeah, real quick, come on.
Okay.

Hey, Dennis.

Could I talk to you
for a second?

Do me a favor. I got
a battery here.

Reach up in the carbon monoxide
detector, just pop it in real quick?

Yeah, you got it.

Hey, Charlie, while we're down here, I just
wanted to talk to you about ideas...

and how funny it is
that they can come

from all kinds of different
places, you know?

- Somebody could say something
really funny... - Shh, shh, shh--

- and it might spark an idea...
- Dee, zip up the mouth...

No, I know, but before the
arbitration, I need to know...

Dee, shut up, shut up, shut up! That's,
uh, G-sharp. Okay, I got it, I got it.

- Yeah, yeah. - Is it broken?
It won't shut the hell up.

No, it's doing exactly what it's supposed
to do and that's the problem.

There's, like, a ton of
carbon monoxide down here,

- so I don't want it doing that.
- What? Why?

Uh, well, I... actually, what I do
is I block the vents to the furnace

and that fills the basement
with dangerous gases.

Drives the rodents away. I always
do it leading up to an inspection.

- Is that safe? - No, no. It's incredibly
unsafe. We can't be down here too long,

- so just get the battery and
we gotta roll. - Oh, my God.

- Yeah, get it out. And then just make
it look like... - God damn you, Charlie.

- Goddamn it, go.
- All right, go, go, go.

- You getting light-headed?
- Yes!

Why'd I hear a squeal?

Oh, no, dude, why
are you bleeding?

Dennis scratched me.

Mac was doing that thing where he tries
to casually bring something up to me,

like I don't notice.
Come to me like a man!

- Talk about being tough all the time;
Can't even look me in the eyes. - Okay.

- How's the for shoes, Charlie?
- Aw, no, Frank, come on, man!

You're gonna get black
paint everywhere!

I changed my mind
about the stool.

No, no stool. Stool's out.
No way!

It's just that it was
my idea, Dennis.

It's sort of like the jean
shorts, you know, where you...

Look at me when
you're talking to me!

Oh, shit. The steaks are here.

Nice.

- Whoa. That's a big truck.
- Shit. No, no, no, no, no.

I can't have this
truck out here!

Hey, uh, is this Carmine's
Steak House?

You're looking
at the sign, pal.

Oh. Hey, you guys mind if I get
a quick bite here before we begin?

You want to eat here?

Uh, yeah, you know, it's a long
drive back to Ohio

and I figured I was gonna be here
a while, unloading all these steaks.

Well, you won't be here that long, right?
I mean, it's only 400 steaks.

Four hundred?
You ordered 4,000.

Excuse me, I gotta
use the toilet.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, gosh, you know what?

The thing is, our
kitchen's not open...

Okay, you know what? Yeah. Go
ahead, uh, leave the keys in it,

maybe pop the back, we'll
help you get started.

I'm gonna fire up
the grill and all set.

- Okay.
- We got you covered.

We got you...

Oh, son of a bitch.
Did you flush your shirt?

- Yep. - Okay, uh, I don't want
to interrupt here, Charlie,

but we got a major
problem on our hands.

We are not a restaurant
that serves food,

and B): How are we gonna
package 4,000 steaks?

Look, we can
handle it, okay?

- Dee, we should've never done
your stupid plan! - My plan?

- No way, this was Frank's idea.
- Wasn't my idea.

- Dennis was all over it.
- Me? No, this was Mac's stupid plan.

- Then why'd you scratch me?
- 'Cause I was irritated with you.

Look, we can handle all of
this, all right?

Excuse me, with all
due respect, Charlie,

you don't even know what
the goddamn plan is.

Okay, okay, with all due respect to you,
I think I understand it fully, okay?

You guys used Frank's credit card,
you bought a bunch of airline miles.

You used those airline miles
to purchase 400 steaks.

Knowing that this delivery company
delivered all variety of animal products,

your plan was to contaminate
the steaks with chicken feathers,

by rubbing live
chickens all over them.

Then you were gonna repackage
the steaks, at which point,

you were gonna return the contaminated
steaks for actual cash,

taking advantage of a loophole in
the current airline miles system, correct?

- Very good, Charlie.
- That is it, that is it.

That was the plan,
but I mean...

you know, we basically had already
explained it to you, so...

Right. But what you didn't plan
for was a hungry delivery guy

who'd driven here all
the way from Ohio.

Or that Dee's oversized fingers
could've accidentally pressed "zero" again

when she ordered the steaks online. I'm
assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?

- Goddamn it.
- Dee, you bitch.

But none of this matters to me, okay?
Because today is inspection day.

A day that I pride myself on, a
day that I've never failed on

and I don't plan to begin failing now,
so listen to me and listen close,

like you've never
done before.

We are going to pull this thing
off, so help me God.

Son of a bitch.

Okay, here we go. Here's the plan:
Dee, Frank, come with me.

I want you guys to set up a table
and chair in the alleyway, all right?

This guy's gonna be
dining in our patio area.

Dee, take his order, make him
think it's a real restaurant.

Frank, as soon as you're done,
haul ass down the alleyway,

move the guy's truck,
all right?

All right, I need you guys
to take down the Carmine sign.

I can't have it up when
the inspector gets here, all right?

- And get me a steak off
the truck, okay? - Gladly.

All right, I'm gonna show this
guy to his table. Here we go.

Oh, hey, right on time! Here's my guy.
You know what?

Don't even bother unloading, 'cause I'm
gonna have my guys handle it, okay?

- You sure? - Oh, absolutely. The
keys are in the truck, right?

- Yeah, they're... - All right, come
on in. Let's go have a bite to eat.

I know you're
a hungry guy.

- Oh, it's-it's a nice spot.
- Yeah, it's a nice spot.

We can't complain. See all these
booths over here? They're nice.

And we got a patio area. I think
you're gonna enjoy sitting there.

You know what?
A booth is, is fine.

Oh, no, see, look, we got
these old stools and old booths,

but the patio area is really
something special.

- You know, you're a top-shelf
customer, right? - Right.

You want to be having the top-shelf
experience. And here we go.

Welcome! Please, make
yourself comfortable.

Yeah, have a seat and,
uh, enjoy the patio.

Uh, this is an alley.

I think I'd rather
just sit inside.

Spends all day in a truck
and he wants to eat indoors!

Hey, the man
needs fresh air!

- Dee, take his order, okay?
- Yes, yes.

- Uh, what can I get you?
- Okay, here we go.

Okay, here we go.

Okay. Here we go.

Mac! Steaks! Steaks!

All right, back on this! Dennis, I need
you to be the face in the bar, okay?

I accept that responsibility.

Frank, go, go, go! Okay,
here's my guy, right on time.

Come on, now,
buddy, here we go.

Wait-- wait, wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa-- who's this?

No, no, no, ma'am, ma'am, I'm
sorry, you can't park here.

- Are you the owner?
- Uh, yeah, Charlie Kelly.

- Who's asking?
- I'm, uh, Sandy Lawlor.

I'm with the City
Board of Health.

I'll be conducting an impromptu
inspection of your bar.

Okay, yeah, uh, what
happened to Alan?

Alan was let go on
account of his leniency.

- Shall we begin?
- Okay. Uh... sure.

All right, let's get going.
Right in here.

This is our, uh,
bartender over here.

All right, all right, all right.

Okay. He's a bit
of a character.

- Where would you like to begin?
- Let's, uh, begin with the bathrooms.

Okay, that's fine.

Come on in this way.

- I assume all the toilets are in
working order. - Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, I wouldn't bother
checking if I were you.

I think I will.

- You're standing awfully close to me.
- Sorry about that.

- Yeah.
- Do I smell cheese?

I'm gonna leave you to it.
You do your thing, okay?

Dennis, heads up.
What are these?

They're car keys, okay?
Just picked her pocket.

Go move her car, so Frank
can pull the truck up.

Okay. Hey, Dee, hold up. Okay, put
this on the furnace, all right?

- Cook it up good. Oh, no, he wants
a turkey burger. - What? Why?

I don't know.
I offered it to him.

- Why would you do that?
- You said pretend we're a restaurant--

he looked like a turkey
burger kind of guy.

He looks like a turkey burger
kind of guy?! Oh, my God, Dee,

just put it on the furnace,
okay, cook it up.

Tell him you got the order wrong, just
tell him you got the thing wrong.

Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch.
What a stupid bitch she is. Okay.

Dude, what's the point
with the chickens?

Okay, everything's going in
the back, all right?

Chickens, cages, they're all
going in the back.

But first, count to, like, 30,
and then start moaning into it.

- Why?
- Will you just do it? Okay?

Don't ask questions, just moan a bit,
after a couple of moans say, "I'm sorry."

- You got it? 29, 28, 27...
- Okay, sure, yeah.

- 26, 25...
- 24, 23, 22, 21, 20...

19, 18, 17,

16, 15, 14, 13,

12, 11, ten, nine...

And how are we lookin' in...
here!

- It's acceptable so far.
- Okay.

Oh, I guess
there's somebody in there.

It sounds like there's
somebody in there, yeah.

Let's take a little peek.

Hey, buddy, how about a courtesy
cough or something next time?

- Well, I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry, you know?

Just, uh, give us all
a heads-up you're in here,

save us all
the embarrassment, you know?

Some people, they got, like, no sort of
social boundaries or anything like that.

It's really kind of an awkward thing.
Did you meet our bartender?

Hey! All right, all
right, all right.

That's right, I think I
introduced you to him.

You want to check out the
women's bathroom?

- Yeah. - Women's bathroom,
I assure you, is spotless.

Well, we'll see.

No, we actually hardly ever
have women in here, so...

But we're not being
graded on that.

All right, in you go, in you go.
Go ahead and take a...

move your bowels if you have to.
All right, okay, back office, okay?

Chickens-- vents--
everything's going in the vents,

- so get in the back. Go, go, go!
- Okay, okay.

The furnace cooked it way too
fast-- it's charred to shit.

- It doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter?

I'm gonna give him the wrong order
and just hand him a burned-up steak?

- He's gonna be pissed.
- Dee, this guy's not grading our bar--

I don't care if he has the worst
dining experience of his life--

go give him the
burned steak.

- Okay, how's this...? - How am I gonna
get all these steaks off the truck?

You don't have to get 'em all, okay?
We're just gonna contaminate a couple,

- then we're gonna put the chickens
onto the truck. - Why?

Frank, we're gonna contaminate
the whole truck, all right?

That goes to the keg room, and for the love
of God, find a shirt! Find a shirt, Frank!

All right, okay, okay.

Ah, okay. Come on,
come on, come on.

- Okay. Nice.
- Done.

Well done! Okay! Up top!

All right, okay, here's the plan: Got to go
to the third stall vents in the bathroom.

Chickens are coming out there.
Everything goes to the keg room, right?

Start rubbing chickens on
steaks, seal them up good.

And then put everything on the
truck-- chickens, steaks,

- everything on the truck!
- Got it, got it...

We're contaminating the truck, guys.
That's the plan. What is this?

- What are you doing?
- I'm painting a shirt!

No! All right, look,
just, uh, get out of sight!

Or go to the keg room, hide out. I'm gonna
send Dee to you in a minute, all right?

In fact, just keep painting,
that's fine, but go in the keg room.

Oh, my God, what an idiot.

Hi. Oh, hi, hello. I'm sorry,
is there a-a problem out here?

- He's making a big stink about the steak.
- The steak is burnt to shit.

- It's not even what I ordered.
- Would you look at that?

Aw, man, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna
give you a beer on the house--

- come on inside. - Oh, how nice!
- No, I'll just take it here.

No, actually we don't have
our outdoor liquor license,

so I so I got to have you
drink it inside, in you go!

You know what-- this is the worst
restaurant I've ever been to.

So sorry, terribly sorry,
sir, terribly sorry.

- Aw, Charlie, that's not good!
- What are you talking about?

It's great! Thinks we're a real restaurant.
Okay, Dee, table, chairs--

everything's going in
the Dumpster, all right?

And then please push it, like, you know,
another couple inches from the door,

- it doesn't look like six feet to me.
- What? Of course it does.

No, no, Dee. It looks like
five and a half, okay?

You think she's gonna
notice six inches?

You move the goddamn
Dumpster, you bitch, okay?

Then haul ass down
the alleyway.

Yeah. Okay. Hi!

Hi! How'd it go in there?
Uh, fine, I suppose.

Everything checks out.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Yeah, lots of customers.

We're a bustling
business, so

why don't you head on
out to the alleyway

and see if there's anything there
that needs, uh, inspecting.

And, ooh, sir, whoa,
whoa, whoa! Sorry.

- No, no, no! - I'm gonna need you
to drink that in our VIP lounge area.

- I just want to drink it here.
- Oh, come on!

A very important customer like yourself
sitting on a bar with the regulars?

I think you're gonna enjoy the
exclusivity of the lounge area,

- so just enjoy that.
- It's not a lounge area...

Hey, all right, all right,
all right!

- Why are you doing that to me?
- I don't know.

Okay, I don't need you to do
that to me, all right?

Just go, go-- yeah, you
gotta finish the job!

- How'd it go with the Dumpster?
You move it? - Huh? Yes.

Okay, here's the plan.

Give this to Frank.
Tell him G-sharp.

Then you got to paint him
head to toe in black.

- Why would I do any of that?
- Dee, just do it, okay?

Just do it, you goddamn bitch.
Oh, you bitch!

Stop questioning everything!
Oh, that goddamn bitch.

Oh, that goddamn bitch!

Oh, my God, she's gonna ruin it all.
And how are we out here?

Everything will
be in the report.

- Yeah, sure.
- Mind if I head behind the bar?

No! Sure! That's not an issue.
Yeah, come check out the bar.

You know, the bar is sort
of the lifeblood of a bar.

I said bar, bar twice!
And, oh, you know what?

There's drainage pipes down there
that I don't want you to check.

"Drainage pipes"?
I'm sorry, Mr. Kelly.

- I have to check it out. - Well, if
you gotta do it, you gotta do it.

Now... you know, but...

I mean, I know that they're a little
wet, they get damp and, uh...

- Actually, they look pretty good.
- All right, well, that's great.

Uh, so one last thing.

I suppose I want to show
the blender here,

- for our mixing up frozen drinks or...
- I really don't need to see that.

Turn it up higher?

- I don't really need to...
- No, that's not a good idea,

but here we go... See?
Yeah, we blew the power.

It's not really environmentally
safe to turn it up that high,

that's why never really do it. I should
drag you in for that one-- I'm not gonna.

That's a joke. I'd love to show you our
packaging machine I keep in the keg room.

Here, come take a peek here.
Look at all this.

- Look at all of this!
- Oh, my! This is...

A bit excessive? Yes, I know,
but I'm a little anal

when it comes to securing
the perishables.

You know, I just don't want
anything to get rotten,

and that's about as-as
good as it gets.

You're not the only one with
standards around here.

So, come on down to the basement
and you can check this out.

Okay, so, uh, watch your
step on the stairs here.

Wouldn't want you to trip on any old
paint cans or anything like that,

but hopefully everything down
here, you know, has been

properly painted and put
where it's supposed to be.

So, you know
what I'm saying?

No, I don't.

- Where's the carbon monoxide detector?
- Carbon monoxide detector!

All right, so you reach up there and you
give that a poke and everything should...

Great and... oh!
Twice, okay.

Excellent. All right,
that was excellent.

Uh, I'm feeling
a little light-headed.

Yeah, could it
be the stairs?

Or, you know, maybe you're just
dizzy by the cleanliness.

- So, let's get you out of here.
- What?

No sense in lingering around. You
checked the carbon monoxide and that,

that's all you got to
do there-- okay, let's see.

Uh, I think we covered everything.
I mean, uh, doorknob? That works.

Showed you all
the packaged produce.

- Hey, did you meet our bartender?
- All right, all right.

We're not paying for
contaminated steaks!

Your entire truck is
filled with chickens!

You want me to return
4,000 steaks?

- This restaurant is insane.
- "Restaurant"?

Uh, well, yeah, if you count
a bowl of peanuts, you know?

We get the drunks in here, they
get all ornery and confused.

What are you gonna do? It comes with
the territory. Well, I'd love to spend

- a little bit more time in here...
- Ah, that's about it, Mr. Kelly.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

- Oh...
- Hey!

Yes? Are you talking to me?

- Yeah.
- What is it?

All right, all right, all right.

- Yes. Okay. - You know, all right, all
right, all right. Kind of says it all.

So, here we go.
Uh, last thing, Sandy.

Is this concrete regulation? You know,
I know there's some cracks and...

It looks fine.

But I'll tell you what's not fine,
Mr. Kelly, and that's the Dumpster.

The regulation is exactly six feet
and you were at five and a half.

Oh, that goddamn bitch!

I know Allen would
let this slide,

but I'm not Allen. I'll have
to dock you for that.

Okay, well, I understand, and I assure
you that those responsible,

they'll be dealt with.

However, you do have an
amazingly clean bar and

therefore I'm giving Paddy's Pub
the highest possible grade.

Congratulations. Oh, my...

You got me with the whole
Dumpster thing!

- Oh, man, that's really, really
exciting stuff! - Oh, well...

- It's just really fantastic.
- That was nice.

- Have a wonderful day.
- Okay.

Okay.

Guys, we got
the highest grade!

I didn't think we were gonna
do it because of the Dumpster,

but, man, she got us
the highest grade!

- The highest grade of...?
- The health inspection!

We passed the health
inspection!

- Boo! - Oh, yeah, we don't, we
don't give a shit about that.

- Yeah, we were excited about
the airline miles thing. - Yeah!

Well, yeah,
that's cool, too,

but the health inspection
was the whole thing, man!

I pulled it off! It was
like, "Here goes there!"

- I did the whole thing.
- Uh, Charlie, come on.

We always pass, okay? We never
have a hard time passing.

It's not a big deal.
Nobody gives a shit.

You didn't do anything
that special.

- That's how you make a joke stool
right there! That's... - Ow, Charlie!

- Did you do that?
- Yeah, you know what?

- I think I did.
- You did it?

- Oh, that's so funny!
- Are you kidding me?!

- I thought I saw you!
- Are you kid...? Unbelievable.

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www.addic7ed.com
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