All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia S10E02 1080p & 720p WEB-DL

What do you mean,
you have a boyfriend?

I mean, I have a boyfriend.
Is it that hard to believe?

I got a boyfriend.
His name's Ryan.

How the hell did you
get a boyfriend?

I met him on Bunchers.

Right, right, so you
went on a group date

with a bunch of ugly chicks to make
yourself look good, and you tricked a guy.

Yes, of course,
that's exactly what I did,

and it worked well, and-and
now we're going steady.

- That's a good trick.
- Bunchers-- sounds like the '70s.

Bunch of people
would get together.

The next thing you know, it was
all asses and hands and tits and...

I could slip right in and out without
anybody noticing. It was great.

I can definitely
brush up on my game.

I don't know if you guys
noticed this, but, like,

I'm kind of having a hard time
closing the deal with the waitress.

- Is he...?
- Yeah, we've noticed.

So, maybe I can go on, like,
some group dates with you,

and you can show me some skills,
and I can figure out the final move

that I need to, you know...
Oh, and let's do 'em at Paddy's.

We could make
a bunch of money.

- It's a good idea.
- We can make a bunch of money.

I'll tell you what.
As an erotic man,

I have been keeping my eye on this
buncher situation, and I got to say--

I'm into it.
So, I'll tell you what.

I will take you two
under my wing,

- and show you the DENNIS
system in action. - Oh.

Sounds great, and myself-- I'm all
tied down, so I can't participate,

but, uh, I think it'd be great
to jump in on this trend.

All right, here's to orgies.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

♪ My darling, I...

♪ Can't get enough
of your love, babe ♪

♪ Girl, I don't know... ♪

Man, I'm really nervous. I'm,
like, sweating through my pants.

Yeah. Do you want
some cheese?

Have you brought cheese?

- Yeah, you need some?
- Yeah. Give me some.

Okay. Right?

- Ah...
- Focus up, guys. Come on.

- The girls are gonna be here soon, geez.
- Right, right.

- Why do you have a dog leash?
- Oh. Good question.

Yeah. It's for the first
"D" in the DENNIS system.

See, the girls will see
the leash, and I'll say,

"I've got a rescue dog
outside," thereby,

"D," demonstrating my value
as a compassionate man.

Later, when we go outside, the
dog will be missing.

I'll become hysterical
and suggest that, maybe,

the dog ran back
to the apartment.

Then we will go back to the apartment.
The dog won't be there, either,

and the girl will console me.
With sex.

Oh!

- What happened to the dog?
- He let it go.

It probably got obliterated
by a taxi or something.

Ah, I bet that's what
happened.

- Shit, poor thing.
- No, no, no, no, no.

There never was a dog.

- Oh, my God!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- There was no dog?
- Wait, I am now totally lost here.

It's a made-up scenario to...
Just follow my lead.

- I thought we got a dog.
- Mac, Charlie and Dennis?

- Yes! Hi.
- How are you?

- Good evening! - Hi, baby...
- Oh... what the hell?

All right.

Oh, I am gonna make a
shitload of cash tonight.

Which is good, because I just
dropped a whole bunch of money

on a new promise
ring for my man.

Oh, you're proposing?
Good. Smart.

Corral him, because God knows
he'll never ask you.

No, I'm not proposing, I'm promising
my fidelity in our new relationship.

I deactivated my Bunchers account
and I changed my Facebook status

- to "In a Relationship."
- Why would you do that?

I told you, 'cause we're
going steady.

- He's my main squeeze.
- You sound like a 12-year-old.

It's a total turn-off.
My cock ring is sliding off.

Why my father is talking to me with a cinch
around his penis is beyond my grasp.

You gotta be ready for
when the orgy breaks out.

Oh, shit. It fell off.

- Ugh...
- Help me find it.

♪

♪ Hot and fresh out
the kitchen, ♪

♪ mama rollin' that body... ♪
- What, this guy?

Oh, well, he...
his name's Henry.

- He's a dog.
- He's a dog.

Y... uh, yeah.

Uh, named him after my grandfather,
um, who I'm very, very close to.

No, Henry's a great
little guy.

I tell you, when I snuggle up next
to him on the couch, I'd swear that...

- that he's the one who rescued me.
- Oh, that's so sweet.

The waitress got bit
by a chow once,

and I kicked the shit
out of the thing.

- You kicked a dog?
- Yeah.

Well, uh, you know,
for the waitress.

- Who's the waitress?
- Nobody, nobody.

Oh, I'm sorry.
No... Nobody?

She's the woman I'm in
love with, you know?

And I follow her
around a lot,

and she doesn't really give
me the time of day, and...

that's cool, though, 'cause I'm not
gonna give up on her, you know?

You don't give up on
something that beautiful.

- Right.
- She's not beautiful.

And everybody's banged her.
Except for me.

She was like, "I want to do
hand stuff with you,"

- and I was like, "Ugh, you're gross."
- Keep this up, man.

- Keep this up, see what happens.
- Yeah, what are you gonna do?

- I will strike you down.
- Okay.

- I will strike you down!
- You're gonna strike me down?!

- Hang on. See? That's a...
- That's our thing.

- They're doing a bit.
- Sorry, that was just a joke.

Do you guys want to do
something a little fun?

- Oh, yeah.
- I do, I do.

- Let's mix up the seating arrangement.
- We'll mix up the seating arrangement.

Yeah. Kim, I'm detecting a
little bit of a vibe from you,

so why don't you come
sit where he's sitting.

- I'll move!
- If you sit where she's sitting...

- And I'll stay here.
- No, you're gonna...

you're gonna switch
places with Becki.

Right? Because while I don't particularly
find you conventionally attractive,

I do find you oddly sexy.

Excuse me?

That was a compliment.

- Um, sorry, that came out weird.
- Excuse me.

- You guys work here, right?
- Yeah, uh...

- Can I get a drink?
- Y... go ask one of the other ones.

What other ones?

The other ones, the bird
lady, the-the troll man.

Ask them for a drink.
We're on a date.

Are you touching my leg?

- Ah, he is engaging you physically.
- Don't label it.

Oh, you know what? You were
supposed to want that,

because he was supposed to tell the dog
story to demonstrate his value,

and I botched it. He has
a system for women.

Well, don't talk about
the system.

The system happens
without them knowing.

- There-there is no system.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And there is no dog.
- The system is not a thing.

The dog is a thing.
Uh, guys, let's, um...

let's talk about something
fun, that's fun for me.

Well, don't move away from me.
What are you doing?

You're moving closer to the men who
eat trash and bang transsexuals?

Move close to me!

♪ ♪

Ryan?

Hi! How are you?

Dee! Oh, hey, what's up?

Are you surprising me at
work, you stinker?

I love that!
You're so cute.

- Guess what? I got you a
little surprise, too. - Yeah.

I didn't know you worked here.
It's so strange.

Um, yeah, I'm actually
on a Buncher.

- Wait, what? - Yeah, they
should be here any minute.

- It was good seeing you.
- Oh.

- What do you got here?
What's in the box? - No, that...

that's just a...
It's a cock ring.

It's a cock ring, just
from all my lovers.

Oh. It's kind
of small, huh?

Well, it's my dad's.

So...

Huh. Weird.

I'm breaking up with you.

Right. Well, I didn't know
that we were together.

Look, can I get a beer?

♪ ♪

We killed it, boys.
We killed it.

- This was a great idea.
- Yeah, but the date sucked.

No, I think the date went
pretty well for me.

It did suck for
you guys, though.

Yeah, I imagine those girls are
probably at their apartments right now,

trying to figure out how
to get in touch with me.

Unbelievable. Goddamn
son of a bitch.

Buy you a promise ring, you're out
flitting around, dating other people.

I shouldn't have given this
guy a five-star rating.

He didn't deserve it and then
he used it against me!

- What's this now? You're rating people?
- Yeah, it's that site. Raters.

Girls can rate guys
they go on dates with.

They rate them? Like...
what do you mean,

- like a star rating or something?
- Yeah, it's a star rating.

I'm gonna take that
guy's five-star rating,

- I'm gonna give him a zero.
- Hey, wait a second.

Hang on a second.
Are-are we rated on there?

- Yep.
- Ah!

- We are?
- What?

Holy shit. Let me see.

Oh! Wait.

- One star? Out of five?
- Yep, yep.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, shit!

Me and Charlie
got two stars!

Oh! Nice! We're better
than you, dude!

No, that's bullshit. No, no, no,
the only reason I was rated one star

is 'cause I was brought down
by you two morons, all right?

I... I was a five-star
man before the Internet,

and I'm damn sure
a five-star man now, okay?

I just gotta drop the dead
weight so I can shine.

Goddamn it... Goddamn it.

He's out, I'm in, let's swing.

Ah, this poor jerk has no idea he's about
to get played like a goddamn guitar.

- Only one guy?
- Yeah.

I'm doing Sparkers now.
Isn't that what you're doing?

I thought you got rid
of Mac and Charlie.

Yeah, no, I did, but, uh, I still
wanted three girls, you know?

- I-I like having the options.
- Yeah.

I'll just make some shit up
about where the other guys are.

- Can I get a drink, please?
- No, not now.

- Ask-ask one of the other ones.
- Yeah.

The dirty one
or the gay one.

Frank, why do we
have to be in here?

We should be out there, gettin'
our swings in, dude.

Because we're not ready.
We need a game plan.

We can't risk losing our
two-star rating.

- That's a good point.
- Right.

- Don't want to lose any stars.
- Okay.

A good date is all about
conversation.

If we could master
some pleasant banter

and then punctuate it with
a joke, we'd be in good shape.

- That sounds easy enough. Yeah, all
right, we can do that. - Okay, all right.

What are some of the things
we could talk about?

Ah. Creatine shits.

Creatine shits?

Yeah. Oh, creatine is a
workout supplement.

It shows that I care
about my body.

What's shitting it out
got to do with anything?

Oh, well, that demonstrates
an inside knowledge of the product.

It shows that I'm not just
mentioning it, I actually use it.

No. I think we should avoid talking about
muscles and men's bodies and shits.

I mean, it sends
the wrong message.

We should also avoid talking
about the waitress, Charlie.

Why? It's, like, a super
romantic thing to talk about.

It's a love story
for the ages.

Yeah, I-I think you should
actually bring it up.

Also, who's going to say grace?
We should figure that out now.

- Right, Frank...
- Wait, wait, wait, okay. Listen,

maybe we should concentrate
on stuff not to talk about.

So, what, you're like a
chiropractor or some shit?

- A spinal surgeon, actually.
- Cool. Yeah, cool.

Oh, what, this? Henry.

Henry the dog.
He's lost. Probably dead.

Look, let's cut to the chase.
I like you.

I like you very much.
This is gonna happen.

Cheers.

Whoa! That's strong.

Mmm.

- I'm not much of a drinker.
- No? I'll get two more.

Hey. Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi.

So, um...

where are the other guys?

Oh, yeah, it's... fair enough. Yeah,
no, the other guys got tied up.

They couldn't make it,
but, uh, fortunately,

I possess all of their
good qualities.

All right.

Hey, you know what, ladies? These-these
things can be a little bit awkward, right?

- What do you say we do some shots?
- Oh, please. - Yes, please.

Yeah, let's do it.
Oh! What is that?

What are you doing?
Are you, are you rating me?

No. No, I'm just
checking my phone.

Oh. That's cool.

Cool. If you were to rate
me, what would you put?

I don't know. I...

Oh... Well, you can't
not know, right?

I mean, that-that'd be, that's stupid.
It's simple, it's one out of five.

If it were a one out of five thing,
and it is, what would you give me?

The obvious five-star rating,
or would you be a liar?

Can we... stop talking
about ratings?

Yeah. Of course we can.

That's stupid, why would we
even... yeah.

Oh, I have a rescue
dog outside.

- Okay.
- That was jarring.

There's no context for that.
Sorry, sorry. I'm just...

sorry, my rhythm's a little
bit, is a little bit off.

I'm thrown because... I-I
kind of want to just...

can we just get the rating thing
out of the way, you know?

- I feel like it's a thing now, and...
- What's going on here, dude?

Were there really
other guys?

Of course there were other guys. I don't
like the way you asked me that.

- Switch with her.
- Oh, my God, you know what?

I think we're gonna go.

Okay, fine. Well, then,
I don't want you to rate me.

That's not what
I want anymore.

I was never going to rate
you in the first place.

- But now I definitely am.
- Oh. How many stars?

- Oh, my God!
- God.

Looks like the spider
caught herself a fly.

Uh... we can't talk about
snakes or smells?

What else is there?

- Uh, can you put "Jews" in
the "yes" column? - What?

I feel like we gotta get
it out in the open.

Would you leave
the Jews out of it?

No, because they
have their "J" sites

'cause they don't want to be with us
as much as we don't want to be with them.

- I don't support any of that.
- No, no, that-that... that...

I'm sorry, I'm just concerned
that the person I'm gonna be

dating killed the savior
of the world.

- That's all. That's all!
- Put "religion" in the "no."

Let's switch gears
and go to the joke.

- Yeah. - Oh, oh! I got a great
one about a dago fisherman.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Ethnic jokes are really dicey.
You can't do that.

You gotta keep it light. Like, uh,
a cowboy and a teacher walk into a bar.

Yeah, but that doesn't make sense,
'cause cowboys hate teachers.

You know, cowboys are independent thinkers
who like to learn for themselves.

All right, all right, look. I think
we're gettin' bogged down here.

Why don't we just go out and do
a dry run with some broads

- and see how we do on our feet?
- Okay, but what about our stars? I mean...

If things go wrong, I'll blow
this whistle and call the date

- before they have a chance
to get to know us. - Mm.

Let's just keep it simple.

Let's just start with our names.

Hi, ladies. I'm Frack.

Shit.

♪ ♪

Now I'm a half a star?
Half a star?

How does a five-star man get...
Is it... you know what?

It's these group dates.
That's what's doing it, man,

there's just too many variables, you know?
The girls feel too safe.

I gotta get 'em in
a one-on-one scenario.

Sorry, I've got to get
to work at the hospital.

- The hospital. Do you?
- Yeah.

- I've never had a one-night
stand before. - Hmm, hmm.

- I... hope this isn't that.
- Oh, no! I'm gonna call you.

Okay.

Call you one star, bitch. Ha!

- Pass me that computer.
- What are you doing?

- One star? That guy was awesome.
- Hmm.

- Is he a doctor? - Yeah, he
was a doctor and super hot.

This feels good.
Okay, you know what?

You're a heartless pig.
That's what's happening.

You lead a man on, you have sex with him
and you just throw him in the trash?

You've been doing that
to women for years.

Yes, but I don't rate them
online for everyone to see.

Don't all your sex tapes
have star ratings?

Yeah, but that's different,
Dee, okay?

That's not... that doesn't go on
the Internet. That's just for me.

- And Mac. And Charlie...
- Okay.

You know what? It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, it's my turn.

This is my time, it's Dee's time.
I even have my own system.

The DEE system.
Do them. Establish low rating.

Increase power.

"Increase" is spelled
with an "I."

Okay, well, then, uh...

- Infuriate them when they find out...
- Another "I."

Empower. It doesn't...
the word doesn't matter.

- It's-it's the system... ah, I don't care
about you. - All right, you know what?

This is, this is
the problem, Dee.

You can't even spell, much less
come up with a decent system,

and now your slapdash opinions are
gonna be thrown across the Internet

for everyone to see. You know, these-these
ratings, they follow a man around.

- They're gonna ruin this man's reputation.
- Well, sucks to be him.

♪ No, I don't want no scrub... ♪

♪ Hangin' out the
Passenger side... ♪

But the thing
about a rating is

you don't know the quality of the person
who's giving the rating, right?

I mean, like, for instance, some dum-dum
goes into a Morton's Steakhouse.

She orders a steak well-done
and then complains

when the damn thing comes
out and it's too dry.

Well, it's like, "Hey, dum-dum, you
ordered the damn thing well-done.

That's why it's dry,
you stupid idiot."

Not bad, a little stiff.

Got tripped up on the conversation
portion, but we're improving.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.

- Oh, hey. How'd your date go?
- Uh, not great. She ditched me.

Yeah, this-this rating thing.
It's just, it's messing with my head,

it's throwing my game off.

I think I need to target some
more undesirable women. You know?

Pick up some easy stars. I think
that'll get me out of this funk. Yeah.

- We made it past introductions...
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, and...

Wow, check out Dee, man.

- She's killing it!
- Yes! She's got it down!

Forget her!
Let's get back on the horse.

- All right.
- Come on.

- So, you guys own this bar?
- Officially yes.

Unofficially we're
so much more.

I like to think of us as mercenaries,
a strike force actually.

Frank's management, I'm
security, Charlie bashes rats.

I don't really bash them so much
as I start to drown them these days

so I don't have to listen
to their screams.

He's a five-star dog 'cause
I wouldn't rescue a four-star

or a three-star dog, certainly
not a half-star dog.

♪ Mr. Sandman Bring
me a dream ♪

♪ Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung
bung, bung, bung, bung, bung ♪

♪ Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung
bung, bung, bung, bung, bung ♪

Oh, I like cats, too. I actually have
80 of them that live in my alleyway.

Too many cats,
sounds strange.

I have eight cats that
sleep in my sink.

Still too many.

I don't have any cats, but
I sure do enjoy them.

I mean, half a star?!

It doesn't change
the five-star man, who he is.

I'm a five-star man!
I'm a five-star man!

♪ Bung, bung, bung, bung bung,
bung, bung, bung, bung ♪

♪ Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman? ♪

♪ Yes? ♪

I'm a five-star man!

♪ Give him a pair of eyes
With a come hither gleam... ♪

One... one...

one... one... one...

one. One... one...
♪ Please, please please, Mr. Sandman...? ♪

one... one...

I'm a five-star man!

- Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.

Hi. Thank you so much for coming.
Uh, please, sit.

So, what do you want?

Frankly, I've-I've hit
a bit of a rough patch,

and it's made me realize that
I have not been the best to women.

You included.

I've manipulated,
I've judged.

I've ignored your feelings
for pursuits of the flesh.

But now I know what it feels like
to be completely unwanted like you.

And...

it doesn't feel good.

Oh, that's...

- really big of you to say.
- This is for you.

- My god, are you proposing?
- No. No, no.

No. I'm not proposing.
I would never, uh...

- No, this is, um, it's a promise ring.
- Oh.

So, from now on,
Waitress...

I promise to be
nice and true.

- I have a name.
- Do you want the ring or not?

I do, yes. Thank you.
Wow!

Thank you.

And in return,
of course, I

would ask that you
promise something to me.

- To be your girlfriend.
- No!

No. Stop, okay?

Do-Don't do that.

I just need you to give me a good
rating on an Internet Web site.

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.
I can...

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

That would mean so much to
me. It really would.

Okay. I, um... I don't
have online, though.

What does that me...?
You "don't have online"?

- No.
- What the hell does that...? Just...

you can just go on your phone
and do it on your phone.

My phone is, it's so old!

Oh, my God! That phone is preposterous!
How long have you had that?

- Nine... 90...
- 90...?!

- How do you get on the Internet?
- I don't.

I mean, I don't do, like,
the e-mails...

"The e-mails"? It's e-mail.
It's just e-mail.

Who doesn't have the Internet
in this day and age?

What am I doing? Why am
I lowering myself to this?

I don't need your approval. Goddamn.
I don't need anyone's approval.

This is stupid. What
are you doing, huh?

You rating me right now?
Well, guess what.

Go ahead, rate me!
'Cause I'll rate you, huh?!

Go ahead, rate me!
I don't give a shit!

Rate me... I'll rate you!
Zero, zero, zero rate!

- Okay, sir...
- Rate, rate!

- Sir, you need to leave, okay?
- Rate, rate!

- You need to leave, okay?
- Zero, zero!

I will rate every single woman
in this restaurant!

- So, he had the mule...
- But he forgot the water.

Then the guy looks up and he
says, "Wait a second.

Where am I... in Ohio?!"

- You guys are so funny.
- Oh, thanks, thanks.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Can-can you give us a second?

- Holy shit!
- What the...?

We've never got this far!

These girls are
ready to bang.

All right, well, what do we say?
What do we do?

We-we're gonna have
to go off script.

No, no, Frank, blow the whistle! Call
it, call it... We got to bail...

What are you kidding me?!
Are you crazy?!

- We've come too far to call it!
- Uh, my stomach's killing me.

- Should we talk about that?
- No, no...

- I got the shits, I do have the shits...
- No, no, no! Not good!

Try another joke, quick!

- Another joke? I got it.
- Okay.

Ladies, got another
one for you.

- There's this dago fisherman...
- Oh, shit!

- What? No... - No, no, Charlie...
Charlie, we got it, we got...

Oh, shit! There
goes my cock ring!

- His cock ring fell!
- Yeah, I got the power, girls.

Yeah, you think you can rate me?
Bullshit! Rate-- zero!

Zero! Zero rating!
Zero rating! Ha-ha!

Yeah, I got the power!
How does it feel, ladies?

I don't give a shit. Yeah!
Get the hell out of here!

You know what? I want every
single lady in here out of here!

Where-where-where are
all, are all the ladies?

Oh, uh, you know, the crowd's
kind of been thinning out.

I think it's because we haven't
really been tending bar.

Well, there's still a bunch
of dudes here.

Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes
here 'cause I'm crushing it.

They're all here to get Deed--
the most empowered woman in Philly.

They all do seem to be into her.

- Hey, Dee.
- You again? Listen.

I'm not gonna change
your rating, okay?

Just be grateful for the time
that we had together and beat it.

Actually I was hoping to
hang out again.

Yeah? I bet you do. It's 'cause
I gave you one star-- I played you.

I don't need stars. I was just
hoping to get laid again.

What?

Hey, Dee, any chance
I could get Deed again?

No, you're upset.

Aren't you upset? You're upset
about the zero rating I gave you.

No. You could rate me
lower if you like.

Hey, are you the whore
who bangs everybody?

No, I'm not the whore...
I-I'm the empowered woman

who gives poor
ratings to men.

Sure. Can I get a rating?

No! Why would you want that from me?
What's going on? Get out of here!

All three of you!
Get out of here!

Okay, yeah, guys, go ahead.
Go, go, go, go. Go.

I understand. Okay, I think I
know what's happening here. Guys?

We've lost sight of
what's truly important.

You can't derive your self-worth
from the opinions of others.

No! No, you get your self-worth
from when you convince yourself

that your tough and that
you're straight.

I am tough.

Sure, yes, absolutely.

Or-or that you have got a shot
with a woman who we've all banged,

but who hates you.

Right. You're saying that I'm
getting closer. Nice. I got a shot.

Yeah, you're getting close,
buddy. You'll get there.

Or you-- that your penis could
ever possibly remain erect

for more than a couple of seconds,
even with a cock ring on.

- Hmm.
- Or that you are a powerful woman...

instead of a dirty, dirty whore...
who bangs toad people.

Yeah, guys, guys, guys.

Your true power comes not
from outside sources,

but from the delusional stories that
you all convince yourselves of.

And no one, no one can
take that away from you.

Wow.

- And what about you?
- Me? What about me?

I'm good, man. I-I've been doing great.
Yeah, this whole thing's been great for me.

Well, that's good because
you're down to zero stars.

- Oh, is he?
- Yeah, down to zero.

I don't give a shit about
that, you know what I mean?

The star rating
thing is not...

- Can I see that for a second?
- Yeah.

Let me see that, yeah.

Yeah, you know... Goddamn it!

Goddamn it! You
son of a bitch!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther