All language subtitles for Good Boys (2019) English 720p HDRip x264 ESubs 800MB

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("JUNGLE FEVER" BY CHAKACHAS PLAYING)

Oh, fuck yeah.

Why's your door closed, Maxie?

Dad, I'm in sixth grade.
I need, uh, privacy sometimes.

Oh. Look, I'm heading to the airport.

Be back in two days.

Please be nice to your sister,

help your mom, and do not touch the drone.

- I won't. Bye.
- I'm serious, okay?

- It's not a toy. It's for my work.
- Yep.

Safe flight. Bye, Dad. Love you.

Thank you. Hey. Come give me a hug, bud.

I'll give you two hugs when you get back.

(CHUCKLES) I get it.

- Why are you smiling?
- Well, you're just growing up.

- It's exciting to me.
- It's not. Stop smiling.

(CHUCKLES)

I remember bringing you home
from the hospital

- like it was yesterday.
- (GROANS)

Now here you are,
sexually masturbating yourself.

- No, I effing wasn't!
- Hey, it's cool, fool.

It's like you got a new toy...
The best toy in the world...

And you just want to keep playing with it.

- (GROANS)
- I don't know.

I just want you to know I'm proud of you.

Okay, do your thing. I'll see you later.

Love you. See you in two days.

Amy, you are not gonna believe this.

("MULTI MILLIONAIRE" BY LIL PUMP PLAYING)

THOR: Yo, guys, check this out.

My babysitter told me everyone
in sixth grade gets hand jobs.

What's a hand job?

It's when a girl jerks you off
until you "coom."

And then it's your job to clean it up.

- I don't think it's "coom."
- THOR: Yeah.

C-U-M. "Coom."

Middle school's way more
intense than elementary.

If we're gonna get through this,
we need to stick together.

Bean Bag Boys for life.

(ALL HOWLING)

THOR: Speed bump.

Are your friends jelly
you're dating a college guy?

(LAUGHS) Some of them, I think.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wait, hey.

- Can I help you?
- Retreat! Retreat!

Hey, Stranger Things, go fuck yourself!

- Hurry!
- Go, go, go!

You know those fucking guys?

LUCAS: Ha ha! No one can stop
the Turzan of Uzkara.

Lucas, keep it in the case.

Dude, it's worth 300 bucks.

600 now. I checked.

- $600?
- We're millionaires!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Do you guys want to maybe go to
the skate park tomorrow after school?

GIRL: I know what cocaine is.

THOR: Annabelle, get out of here.

Bean Bag Boys only.

I heard, at the skate park,

the older kids will make you take drugs.

We'll never do drugs.

They destroy lives and communities.

You have no choice.

Mom!

Annabelle, don't antagonize your brother.

Come on, go upstairs. Now... Hey.

All right, Bean Bag Boys,
finish up. It's a school night.

Lights out, 8:30.

What? You said 8:45.

Hey. Finish up.

I don't think I want to go
to the skate park.

We're in sixth grade now.

We need to start doing sixth-grade things.

(MOCKING) Ooh, you want
to see Brixlee, don't you?

("VALENTINE" BY YK OSIRIS PLAYING)

(SNEEZES)

- Hi.
- Oh, my God!

(SCREAM IN MOM)

This park is fucking lit.

Yo, guys, the Scooter Squad is here.

You know who's really good
at burns? Atticus I.

- He's so funny.
- Atticus I?

I'd smoke him in a burn war. Right, Max?

("VALENTINE" CONTINUES)

(MOCKING) Ooh...

So, are you gonna give Brixlee
the necklace you made her?

No, shut up. It's...
I haven't put it in the kiln yet.

You always have an excuse.

Thor, you never talk to girls.

Girls are a distraction.

Rock of Ages auditions are in two days.

♪ And I don't want to be tied down ♪

Max, come here.

Hey, Taylor.

People are saying you made Brixlee
a necklace in art class.

Nice try, but I don't talk about
my art projects before they're finished.

If she had a crush on you,

would you admit you had a crush on her?

Does she have a crush on me?

I don't know. I've never asked her.

- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.

(BIKE CLANKING)

MAX: Fuck.

(MAX SIGHS)

- So, how'd it go, lover boy?
- (PHONE BUZZES)

Uh, she might know about the necklace.

Veggie lasagne for dinner?

Everything's coming up Lucas.

I'll see you guys at school.

Bye. Be safe.

Yo, Scooter Boys. Scooter Boys. Act cool.

- Act... Act cool.
- Okay, okay, okay.

What's up, Atticus?

You guys want to see something cool?

Hell yeah.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

What are we up to? What are we doing?

We're gonna sip a beer.

- Scared?
- THOR: No.

I've had, like, 5,000 sips of beer.

Bitch, please.
Soren has the record. Three sips.

- Three sips?
- Three sips.

(EXHALES)

(CHUCKLES) Whoa.

I'm already feeling something.

Delicious.

(COUGHS)

Careful. It's hot.

Are you gonna drink it or not?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(GROANS) I forgot.
I have musical auditions this Friday.

They drug-test for beer.

Thor, just admit you're
a scared little-wittle baby.

- (BOYS LAUGHING)
- No, I'm not.

Want us to put the beer in
a sippy cup for you, Sippy Cup?

- No.
- Sippy Cup.

- Amazing burn, Atticus.
- THOR: It's not a good burn.

His dad has two DUls
and has to take the train to work.

That's a good burn.

Sippy Cup, sing us a song.

No.

How about "Twinkle, Twinkle,
Little Bitch"?

(CHANTING) Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup!

- (CHANTING CONTINUES)
- MAX: No, no, guys. He'll do it.

But he just needs more time to think.

(CHANTING CONTINUES) Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup!

Bye.

(CAN POPS OPEN)

(DRINK POURING)

Lasagna and soda?

(CHUCKLES) Don't tell my parents
you gave me this.

(LAUGHTER)

This kid is hilarious.

We're getting a divorce.

Wh-What do you mean?

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.
Everything gonna stay the same.

We promise.

Will we still watch This Is Us together?

- Of course. That's our favorite show.
- DAD: Yes.

That's our family show.

Except now you're gonna see it
on two different TVs, you know.

In two different houses.

So you're gonna have to watch
the episode twice.

What about Taco Tuesday?

Taco Tuesdays are still going down.

Matter of fact, you're gonna have
two Taco Tuesdays,

just one on Wednesday now.

- Twice the fun.
- Twice the fun, twice the tacos.

Everything's gonna stay the same, so...

Me and your mom, you know,
we're still best friends, right?

Mm-hmm.

DAD: I mean, it would've been nice
to have tacos together as a family.

But how about this? We could
change it to Wing Wednesday...

KIDS: ♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

♪ Walking on sunshine ♪
♪ Whoa ♪

♪ And don't it feel good ♪

♪ Hey! Na, na, na-na na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Now every time I go for the mailbox ♪

♪ Gotta hold myself down ♪

♪ Hey! Na, na, na-na na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ 'Cause I just can't wait ♪

♪ Till you write me
you're coming around ♪

Thor, inspired, voice of an angel, man.

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa ♪

- What are we walking on?
- ♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

♪ Whoa, and don't it feel good ♪

It does feel good, don't it?

- What's wrong?
- That song always makes me sad.

Don't forget, Rock of Ages
auditions are tomorrow.

It's my favorite musical.

I did make some
pretty big changes, though,

based on my time in Holly-weird.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- I think it'll really inspire

those of you who dare to dream.

Sick.

MAX: So, I looked at her,

but she was looking the other direction.

But then she looked at me,

and I was looking the other direction.

So I think that someday
we're gonna make eye contact.

That's cool. This musical is gonna be lit.

Hey, Soren. Look at this.

Sippy Cup is signing up for the musical.

Singing is for try-hards.

No, uh, someone signed me up as a joke.

I was just crossing it off. See?

Yeah, whatever, bitch-tits.

Enough. Let's go.

- I have places to be.
- Sorry, Soren.

Don't listen to Atticus.
His dad doesn't even pay taxes.

Doesn't matter what Atticus says.

I've been thinking about quitting
singing ever since I was young.

Come on. We're gonna miss fish sticks.

Whoa. That's the best lunch
I've ever seen.

Yeah, my parents are being
super nice because...

Because they're great and...

they're great, and everything's good.

Ooh, wait. Is that a new earring?

Yes, finally. Thank you for noticing.

- It looks cute on you.
- THOR: Max, I'm not going for cute.

I'm going for sexy and hot.

Those are the only two things
I'm looking for.

- You like it?
- It looks infected.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

THOR: Soren's so cool.

I heard he beat up Derek Bachman
and blow-jobbed his sister.

He blow-jobbed his own sister?

No, he blow-jobbed Derek's sister.

(CHUCKLES)

Fucking legend.

I think Soren's calling me.

JSup? JSup?

I heard you sipped a beer
like a fucking champ.

Yeah, I took a pretty big sip, actually.

Cool. I'm having a party tomorrow night.

All these fools are coming.

You in?

You should come. Trust me.

Yeah, I'll come, but, you know,
I'll have to ask my mom.

Also, gonna be a kissing party.

You've French-kissed girls before, right?

Yeah.

Of course.

Where?

(STAMMERS QUIETLY)

Their mouths?

Yeah, dawg.

He's not gonna start sitting
with the popular kids, is he?

No. If anyone should be
over there, it's me.

We heard kids were calling you Sippy Cup,

and we just wanted to let you know

you can always call on the Student
Coalition Against Bullying for protection.

Does this look like a sippy cup?

No, it's a fucking juice box.

'Cause I'm not a fucking child.

That's so rude.

Wait. Can I bring Thor and Lucas?

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

So random.

No, they're cool.

I'm trying to keep it
half girls, half guys.

You feel me, dawg?

I feel you, dawg, but...

they're my best friends.

We do everything together.
We're the Bean Bag Boys.

That's a dope-ass name.

(SIGHS) Fuck it. Bring 'em.

I ride or die for my squad, too.

Let me know what your mom says, dawg.

Okay. Bye, dawg. Bye, dawgs.

So?

Soren just invited us
to his party tomorrow.

- Soren?
- Yeah.

He said my name? He said "Thor"?

- Pretty much, yeah.
- Sweet.

There's also gonna be girls there.
You know what that means?

- SING-SONGY: Drama.
- Kissing.

So, do you guys know how to kiss?

- I have no fucking clue.
- No.

No, not at all.

MAX: Type "kissing."

Ooh. No, no, no. "Boobs."

"Breast cancer research."
"How to find a bra that fits."

(GASPS) I have an idea.

"Are you 18 or older?"

I'm gonna click "yes."

We're not 18 or older.

This could go on our permanent record.

(GRUNTS)

I'm your stepmother.

You are not supposed to be
looking at me in the shower.

Don't tell my dad.
He 7/ make me quit the sports team.

Get up. Get up.

LUCAS: He's in trouble.

WOMAN: You deserve a punishment.

Pull down your shorts.

Is that what happens
when you get a stepmom?

- Ew.
- (THOR GROANS)

No way that's gonna fit in there.

Get out of there, girl!

- Where did his hand go?
- (SCREAMS)

- Ew!
- Oh, my God!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Nobody even kissed.

Yeah, not on their mouths, at least.

(GASPS) My parents have a CPR doll.
We can go practice kissing on that.

Come on.

(LÉO DELIBES' "FLOWER DUET" PLAYING)

MAX: This is a really pretty CPR doll.

(SIGHS) I guess I'll go first.

Stop. What are you doing?

Kissing her.

You can't kiss someone
without their permission.

Remember from assembly?

Pretend it's Brixlee.

- Try to be a gentleman.
- MAX: Okay.

Brixlee, can I kiss you?

(IMITATING BRIXLEE) Why?

- Why?
- Yeah.

What do you like about me?

Well...

you're sweet. You smell good.

You're smart, too.

You always push Henry in his wheelchair

even though he's super mean.

And just when I think
I've got you figured out,

you go ahead and start skateboarding.

Iconsent.

- How was it?
- Sticky.

(BLOWING)

Why does she have hair in her mouth?

You know what? This isn't
teaching us anything.

We need to see real people kissing.

That's the only way to know
if we're doing it right.

My neighbor is a total nymphomaniac.

Her boyfriend's always over.

She starts fires?

No, that's a pyromaniac.
She's a nymphomaniac.

Someone who has sex on land and sea.

- LUCAS: Seriously?
- (THOR SHUSHING)

Okay, I was gonna wait
till tomorrow to surprise you,

but can I just tell you?

- Nah, I'm good.
- No, you want to know.

Ugh. I can barely see anything.

I know we haven't been hanging out much

ever since I met Benji,
but I want to make it up to you.

So, tomorrow, I'm skipping school,

and we're driving to the city
to see Kendrick Lamar.

- Shut up!
- And we're gonna do Molly.

- You thought of everything.
- Of course I fucking have.

It's gonna be amazing.

SING-SONGY: Remix!

(BENJI IMITATES AIR HORN BLARING)

Well, Benji got us the Molly.

- LIIY: Benjamin.
- HANNAH: Oh, thank you!

Look.

This isn't working.
Maybe we could go climb a tree.

No, they'd see us.

No, I just meant let's go climb a tree.

Dude, wait. I know a way
we can see them kiss.

I can't.

It has a camera. We could see everything.

We can learn technique.

It's for his dad's work. It's not a toy.

Of course it's a toy.
They sell it at toy stores.

My uncle flew a drone for the Army,

and now he yells in his sleep
and has crazy diarrhea.

It's messed up that he even
keeps it in the house.

You have to walk by it every day.

- He's torturing you.
- It's true.

It's like when your cousin
walks around in a bikini

and she taunts you.

If he finds out, you'll be grounded.

You won't be able to go to Soren's.

And even worse,
you'll lose your father's trust.

That's true, too.

She'll love you for who you are.

THOR: Yeah, a shitty kisser.
Remember the porn from earlier?

That guy didn't even know how to kiss.

He was just licking that woman's asshole.

- You want to kiss an asshole, Max?
- No.

Max, don't listen to him.

He just wants to go because
he's obsessed with popular boys.

Believe me, Max.
You don't want to go to Soren's

not knowing how to kiss.

(DRONE BUZZING)

Whoo!

So, tomorrow,
after you get some girl time,

why don't you come over for some man time?

No, I told you I'm hanging out
with Lily this weekend.

Yeah, it's just... You know,
it's hard for me not to see you,

'cause you're my best friend.

But Lily's my best friend.

Yeah, I get it. Totally, totally get it.

Yeah. (SNIFFLES)

I'll probably just hang out
with my ex, Margaret.

Are you trying to make me jealous?

Uh, no. Why? Are you jealous?

(BUZZING)

Yeah, this isn't working out.

I know. You're not hot enough
to be acting like this,

so the next time you're wondering
where all the nice guys went,

just remember that you let one
walk right out the door.

What?

I didn't say anything.

I never want to see you again.

Are you okay?

MAX: Wait, where'd the guy go?

Who cares? The girls just hugged.

They are definitely gonna kiss.

We might need to get closer.

- (DRONE BUZZING)
- Do you hear that?

What is that?

It's fucking spying on us.

- All right, it's my turn to fly.
- Give it!

- I just want to buzz 'em.
- No!

You're gonna break it.

THOR: You want it? Fine!

- MAX: Shit!
- (PANTING)

- Ha!
- (BOYS GASP AND YELL)

MAX: Oh! No!

- Shit! What the hell, Thor?
- That was both of our faults.

Dad's gonna kill me. What do I do now?

- Whoa!
- What the hell?

We say there was a break-in.

They trashed the place and took the drone.

That's the most stupid
fucking idea I've ever heard!

Guys, guys. All we have to do is
just go over there and tell the truth.

Then God will be on our side.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- (KNOCKING)

Hey. Can I help you?

Uh, I hope so, madam.

We were using our drone
to follow a family of turtles,

and we thought it might have
crashed in your backyard.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's here. Come on in.

- So, you guys like turtles?
- MAX: Yeah.

- HANNAH: That's awesome.
- Time's up, motherfuckers.

Shit! It's a trap.

You think I give a fuck about turtles?

We're sorry. We just wanted
to learn how to kiss.

MAX: Lucas, it's none of their business.

We should have just told the truth.
We're going to a kissing party,

and none of us have ever kissed,
and we're scared.

Goddamn it, Lucas.

I've had sex before,
but I've never kissed a girl.

Just go online and type in "how to kiss."

That's what everyone does.

ALL: Oh.

It's very easy.

Look, can we please have the drone back?

It's a BD Rolling Thunder. It's my dad's.

He needs it for work.
Can I please have it back?

- I really need it. Please.
- I don't think so.

If you don't give it back,
I'll tell my dad you stole it.

And I'll tell him that you're a pervert.

- We'll tell the whole school.
- This is sensual harassment.

We'll tell everyone
that you're a misogynist.

I never massaged anyone.

This is what happens
when you don't respect women.

I respect women. My mom's my best friend.

What about me?

Oh, God, I'm so fucked.
My dad's gonna kill me.

You had to snoop on them.
You're such a feminist.

I'm not a feminist. I love women.

And my parents are definitely
gonna call your guys' parents.

We're all gonna get grounded.

Forget Soren's party. We're fucked.

Why are you smiling?
This is actually your fault.

This is leverage.

(CHUCKLES) Oh. Bingo.

- What is it?
- I have no idea.

That's a tampon.

What's it for?

Girls shove it up their buttholes
to stop babies from coming out.

An eighth-grader told me that.

The human body is truly a mystery.

Can't believe they still eat chewables.
The gummies are so much better.

I like the chewables. I want one.

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING) Fucking childproof bullshit!

(CHANTING) Thor! Thor!
Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!

(STOMPING)

(VIBRATING)

(WHISPERS) It's the girls.

(PHONE BEEPS)

- Hello?
- HANNAH: You took my bag.

It has my license, my phone.

Bring it back right now.

Fuck that noise. I want my drone back.

I got this. I got this, I got this.

(GROWLING) What did you
just say, you little bitch?

I'll take a shit down your throat.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Why are you talking like that?

Hannah, I have a little brother.

- You're supposed to scare them.
- Well, you scared me.

Listen, we were just trying
to teach you a lesson.

I promise you we were gonna
give the drone back.

No way. They could trick us again.

Or overpower us.

Oh, my God. What if they take the Molly?

Then we wouldn't be able to take it.

No, they're children. They would die.

(MAX CLEARS THROAT)

This is Max from earlier.

Meet us at the playground
across from John Adams

tomorrow at 7:40 am.

Bring the drone, and don't fuck
with the Bean Bag Boys.

- That was tough.
- Very tough.

I kind of got a boner
talking to those girls.

HANNAH: We're still on the phone.

- Shit! Fuck, fuck.
- What the shit?

LUCAS AND THOR: Six, seven,
eight, nine, ten,

11,12,13,14,15...

(HANDS SQUEAKING)

Ow.

Don't come any closer.

- Why?
- 'Cause you could overpower us.

(CHUCKLES)

So, put the drone on the slide,
and count back from a hundred,

and close your eyes.

And don't try anything funny.

There are witnesses.

Okay, we have a long drive ahead of us,

so give us the bag or I will hurt you.

Do not test me.

Threats will get you nowhere, peasant.

Just give us the fucking Molly!

Okay. Who's Molly?
'Cause she's not with us.

- (LIIY SIGHS)
- (THOR, WHISPERING) Guys.

Molly is a sex drug.
Dateline did an expose on it.

You had us bring drugs
to a fucking playground?

There are children here!

- (WHISPERS) Shit.
- THOR: It's okay.

I know what to do.

We're making a citizen's arrest!
You're both under arrest!

- Get on the ground!
- Sweet Jesus.

- LUCAS: Up, up, up!
- MAX: Stay still!

- Hands up! Hands up!
- Stay still!

Get down now! Get down now!

Did you just reload your fake gun?

- Are you mocking me?
- LUCAS: Put your hands up!

Are you mocking me?

Anything will be used against you

- that you say.
- In court.

You know, you're the one holding drugs,

so why don't I do
a citizen's arrest on you?

Fuck.

Time-out, crackheads.

Oh, my God.

Deal's off. We can't let them
put drugs back on the street.

Look at those dirty fucking junkies.
Their lives are already ruined.

Let's just give them the drugs
and get the drone.

(SIGHS) Maybe there's a way
we can protect our community

and get the drone back.

Stall them.

So, what do you plan to do
with those drugs, huh?

Take 'em and feel amazing.

(WHISPERS) They're addicts.

Yeah.

So, you been drugging your whole life?

- Uh-huh.
- Err'day.

Oh. Nice.

What's he doing? Hey.

(BOTH GASP)

- LUCAS: Yes! Yes!
- MAX: It's working!

- It's working!
- Yes!

- 'THOR: Fly it to the school!
- (BOTH SCREAM)

You're heading for the trees! Watch out!

We're gonna make it! We're gonna make it!

(SCREAMS)

Fuck!

(ALL PANTING)

Those girls are lucky
I didn't kick their asses.

LUCAS: Oh, no! They found us!

- Oh, shit.
- They're on school property.

They don't care. They're tweaking.

You know who we need?

- No, don't say it.
- THOR: We'll look like losers.

- Don't say it. Don't say it.
- SCAB!

- THOR: Shut up.
- SCAB!

- Shut up. Zip it.
- MAX: Lucas, shut up.

- SCAB!
- What is that?

There's three boys in danger!

We're scared! SCAB, help us!

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- THOR: We're okay.

- We're not scared. We're... We're fine.
- Lucas, shut up.

MAX: Just walking into school.

- Average day.
- Jesus Christ.

ALL: Bullying is wack.
Get on the right track.

Bullying is wack.

(SLOWED, DISTORTED)
Get on the right track.

Bullying is wack.

Get on the right track.

Bullying is wack.

(LISPING) When you attack one of us,
you attack all of us.

Your weakness gives us strength.

- Well, those kids stole my bag.
- Not today, bully!

- Not today.
- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- What the fuck?
- (CHANTING) Bullying is wack.

Get on the right track.

This is the best day of my life.

Get on the right track.

Don't worry, we'll find them later.

LUCAS: SCAB just tagged us on Instagram.

THOR: First Sippy Cup, and now this?

I'm two weeks into sixth grade,
I'm already a social piranha.

Guys, my dad gets back at 5:00.

If we don't get a new drone
by then, I'm grounded.

Which means we're all grounded,
which means no party,

which means no Brixlee.

No friends, no hope,

parents fighting, trapped in our rooms,

all alone, two Taco Tuesdays.

So, Max, what are we gonna do?

We're gonna ditch school
and get a new drone.

Stop thinking with your big old dick, Max.

That could go on our permanent record.

Max's big old dick is pointing
us in the right direction.

Thank you. If anyone else
kisses Brixlee, I'll die.

Wait, what? Here's the plan.
I'm gonna bring a beer to Soren's,

and I'm gonna sip that beer
so everyone will know...

LUCAS: That you're an alcoholic.

- That would be great.
- MAX: Guys.

The only place around here that has one
is at North Point Galleria.

That's four miles away.

Four miles? How the fuck
are we getting four miles?

You have Uber.

No, it goes directly to my mom's phone.
She'll know.

Then we bike.

Where are you even gonna get
the money for a new drone?

- What?
- You know.

Our Turzan of Uzkara card? No way!

You said everyone wants to buy it.

We got it together.

And we're gonna
sell it together, as friends.

MAX: Come on, Lucas.
Bean Bag Boys do everything together.

Okay. Guess that makes sense.

- Yes! Lucas!
- Yes!

- Bean Bag Boys for life.
- Yeah!

We're being so bad.

ALL: ♪ We're bad, we're so bad ♪

♪ We're bad, we're so bad ♪

I need to get rid of these drugs.

- What are you doing?
- Getting rid of the drugs!

I'm just gonna throw them in the stream.

It can contaminate the water.

Well, then we can throw it in the forest.

It's a sex drug.

What if a fox eats it
and tries to fuck a squirrel?

It'll kill him.

Well, then how do we get rid of drugs?

The same way we get rid of a baby.

- Abortion?
- Adoption?

No. We drop it off at the firehouse
on our way up to the mall.

- That's a really good idea.
- (PHONE BUZZING)

Ah. I just got a bite on our card.

Nice. Give 'em my address.

My parents aren't home,
and I have the best snacks.

PeterPan69 is gonna be here
in five minutes to buy the card.

THOR: Well, let's get ready.

I found all of these weapons
in the back of my parents' closet.

I still don't get why we need weapons.

He could be a pedophile.

He can't molest all three of us.

All he needs is one.

LUCAS: "An-al beads"?

AKA nunchucks, motherfucker.

Ooh.

- Yeah!
- It's not a toy.

- (GRUNTS)
- (GASPS).

- Oh, shoot.
- (THOR GROANING)

(SNIFFS) They smell like shit.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hello. Uh, I'm looking for Lucas.

- That's me.
- I'm Claude.

Hey.

That's my mom back there.

Hi-ya!

Let's cut the shit. Are you a pedophile?

What? No.

Lucas, if you were a pedophile
standing in front of three single boys,

- would you admit it?
- Probably not.

Then why would he?

Oh, come on. Do I look like a pedophile?

- Yes, absolutely.
- 1,000%.

That's not fair.

You look more like a pedophile
than anyone I've ever seen.

Look, I'm not a pedophile. I'm a cool guy.

Fine. You can come in,
but please take your shoes off.

CLAUDE: You know,
I've searched the world for this.

Why are you bringing the paintball gun?

In case anyone fucks with us.

CLAUDE: This card is exquisite.

- How'd you get it?
- The summer I moved here,

me, Max and Thor started
a dog-washing business.

We earned eight bucks,
and we used the money

to buy an Ascension pack,
and this card was in it.

Well, you got very lucky.

The real luck was meeting Max and Thor.

Fascinating.

We started calling ourselves
the Bean Bag Boys.

- You know why?
- Because you had some beanbags?

- That's right.
- Yeah. Genius.

You got yourself a deal.

Let's go. Let's make it happen.

(SIGHS)

- No, I can't do this.
- (STAMMERS)

Sorry.

Lucas, get your butt over here right now.

Excuse me, is this how all
12-year-olds conduct business?

What the hell just happened?
I thought you were cool with this.

You said we wouldn't do this
if one of us wasn't on board.

- I'm not on board.
- Why do you care so much?

Why don't you care?
This card has a lot of memories,

and you're just gonna throw it all away
because you want to kiss some basic girl?

Savage.

Brixlee isn't just some girl.
We're probably gonna get married.

Every marriage ends in divorce.

Lucas, you're outvoted.

MAX: Listen, I can tell
you're lashing out with anger,

but Brixlee is probably
the love of my life.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Can I get a glass of water, please?

Hello? (GASPS)

Hey, guys?

Hmm.

Yeah. What can you tell me
about her backstory?

Where is she supposed to be from?
She seems quite exotic.

Okay, listen carefully,
'cause I'll make this offer only once.

400 bucks to take her off your hands.

No. We need 550, US.

(CHUCKLES) Fuck off. What?
That's my entire allowance.

Listen, Claude,
let's just cut the bullshit.

I'm the son of a businesswoman,
and I think we both know,

if you didn't want to buy the doll,
you would've left already.

Stop treating us like kids.
We know how things work.

So, do you want to buy
the CPR doll or not?

Fools. I'd have paid a thousand.

Anyone else feel like
he's gonna fuck that doll?

(LAUGHING)

- (LAUGHING)
- Whoo!

(ALL HOWLING)

THOR: Yee-haw!

We should hydrate.

We've been biking for
almost 14 minutes straight.

I don't think I've ever been
this far from home.

I think I did a production
of Cats around here.

You're really not gonna sing anymore?

Yeah. I've never been happier.

(HORN HONKING)

- Just give us the drugs.
- MAX: Fuck.

- How'd you find us?
- Her phone. They tracked us.

We're not giving you these drugs.
We're giving them to firefighters.

Get help.

- Go!
- We're in a car, dipshits.

You're not gonna outrun us.

MAX: Not on my fast bike, nerds.

Good luck getting your car
in here, losers!

Shit.

Where are you going?

(SCREAMING)

(WOMAN GASPS, GRUNTS)

MAN: Hey.

You're not getting these drugs back!

- Just give her the sex drugs!
- (THOR WHIMPERS)

MAX: Peel off!

I won't let you destroy your Ii...

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

(ONLOOKERS GASPING, MURMURING)

(LUCAS COUGHS, GROANS)

- (MAX WHIMPERS)
- Are you okay?

- Lucas, are you okay?
- What the hell happened?

We were running away from our babysitter

'cause she was trying
to touch our penises.

- What? That is not true. I wasn't.
- Yes, it is.

- MAX: Yeah, you were.
- I wasn't...

- Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go!
- What happened?

- Go, go!
- (TIRES SQUEALING)

- Lucas, are you okay?
- (GROANS)

I think I'm fine.

- (RETCHING)
- Your arm.

- DRIVER: Oh, hell no.
- (SCREAMING)

(BOTH RETCHING)

Yo, I'm-a call 911.

- Help! Help!
- No, it's okay. This happens all the time.

Come on, we got to go. We got to go. Go.

- Help! Ow!
- We got... Come on.

I'll get the bikes. (RETCHES)

(GROANING)

Okay. I threw their phone
in a prickle bush.

So they can't track us anymore.

Oh, the pain!

Lucas, you have to be quiet.

- (GROANING)
- Okay, do we have any ice?

No, we're in a fucking alley.

- (GROANING)
- What about pain medication?

- We have the Molly we can give him.
- No!

Yeah, he's probably just gonna
try and have sex with us.

Call an ambulance!

- Mission's over!
- We'll get busted.

- Plus, do you even have insurance?
- I don't know.

- Do you?
- I don't know.

- I think I only have a deductible.
- It's all right.

This happens to MMA fighters all the time.

We just got to ram your arm
into something very hard

so it pops back in place.

Fine! Fuck it!
Let's just get this over with.

(GRUNTS) Ow!

- Come on.
- Easy. All right.

One, two, three.

(ALL YELLING)

(LUCAS SCREAMING)

Wrong arm!

- Okay, new site, new site.
- Okay.

Okay, lie down on your back
and give me your arm.

- Come on.
- (LUCAS EXHALES)

All right. It says
this next part's gonna hurt,

that you should bite down
on something hard.

I know.

Open. There you go.

(SIGHS) Okay.

- On three.
- One,

- two, three.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

- Just got a text from Taylor.
- What'd she say?

She wants to know why you aren't in school

and if you're coming to the party tonight.

- MAX: Just write...
- (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

- Okay, sorry. One, two, three!
- (YELLING)

- (MUFFLED SCREAMING)
- Oh!

Let me help, let me help.

- MAX: Focus! On three.
- THOR: One!

Two! Three!

(ALL YELLING)

- (SHOULDER POPS)
- MAX: Hmm?

- Wow. I didn't think that'd actually work.
- (PANTS, GROANS)

- (LUCAS SIGHS)
- You're gonna be good, man.

No. I'm really not.

My parents are getting a divorce. (SIGHS)

What'd you do?

- MAX: Thor!
- What?

Sorry.

(SIGHS)

My dad's moving out.

Whatever happens between your parents,

you always got the Bean Bag Boys.

We'll never split up.
Bean Bag Boys for life.

You promise?

- Promise.
- Promise.

Come on. Let's get you some
Children's Tylenol.

- (SHOULDER POPS)
- (SCREAMING)

(MAX GRUNTING)

- Want some help, buddy?
- No, I got it.

Okay, just do it.

(BELL DINGS)

- Hey, Miles.
- Hey, man.

- Coming in or coming off?
- (SIGHS) Just got off a triple.

Man, I don't care if I get mugged.

I'm not typing up
any more papenNork today.

(WHISPERS) Cop.

Shit. We have D-R-U-G-S on us.

He knows how to spell. Just act normal.

- Pretend to talk.
- About what?

Just be normal.

(LOUDLY) What do you think about politics?

It's a complicated issue.

(WHISPERS) This cop's acting weird.

MAX: He's eye-fucking us.

Just act normal. Just laugh.

We're just two cool guys laughing.

(BOTH LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

We skipped school.

Lucas!

(SIGHS)

Are we in trouble?

Yeah, well, usually, I'd call this in,

but because you were honest with me,

I'm gonna let you slide, all right?

Just promise not to do it again, okay?

- We promise. Thank you, sir.
- All right.

(WHISPERS) That was a close one.

Wait, where's Thor?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

OFFICER: Hold it.

Come here.

(SIGHS) What do you have in your pants?

My penis.

- Pull it out.
- (THOR SIGHS)

I also have a big dick.

Put it back. I'm being generous today.

- We also have drugs.
- Dude!

- (GROANS)
- He was onto us.

Okay, what do you have?

Schedule I controlled substance,
with intent to distribute.

Brother, these are vitamins, okay?
Children's vitamins, at that.

- No, those are drugs.
- No, look.

If that's drugs, then this is drugs, too.

- If you don't arrest us, I'll report you.
- Lucas!

Just leave me the fuck alone!

I mean, sorry to fucking swear
at kids, but fuck.

You know, I'm gonna arrest you
for fucking ruining my day.

All right? I'll take them. Let me go home!

- He's calling for backup.
- What do we do?

Hello. Listen.
I've decided I don't want kids.

- (WHISPERING) What's up?
- The cop's eye-fucking us.

We have to make a run for it.
I know what to do.

Well, no, it's not up for discu...

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Well, no, you may be detective,

but in the marriage we're equal.

Wha... Just hang up. Who cares?

This is free 'cause I'm a cop.

("NOBODY SPEAK" BY DJ SHADOW
FEATURING RUN THE JEWELS PLAYS)

What the fuck, Thor?

You didn't even care about my shoulder.

- You just wanted a beer.
- I can care about two things.

Yeah, you and your stupid beer!

- Now we're fugitives!
- Why are you yelling at me?

I just ran off without my family's bikes.

- Cycle Sundays are fucked!
- Guys, guys.

(LAUGHS) The mall!

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Yes! Yes!
- We made it!

Yes! (WNES! HOOPS)

Come on, come on, come on.

- Oh, shit.
- Holy mother...

Goddamn it!

Great. Now we're trapped between
a highway and the authorities.

We wouldn't be in this position right
now if you weren't such a narc.

Guys, the mall's right there.

All we have to do is cross the highway,
and the cars aren't even moving.

Now, are we fifth-graders,
or are we sixth-graders?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, I'm going back into the woods.

I'll live off of rainwater and squirrels.
I don't give a fuck.

Uh, no, you won't.

- Oh, my gosh!
- No, no.

It's like a parking lot, see?

Wait! You stole another beer?

- What the fuck, Thor?
- Hey. You guys aren't the ones

who's gonna have "Sippy Cup"
on their goddamn tombstone!

God. Say it, don't spray it.

WOMAN: Get off the freeway!

Children crossing. Please,

- children are crossing.
- MAN: Get off the road.

- (TIRES SQUEAL, HORN HONKS)
- (LUCAS SCREAMS)

What are you guys doing?
Get back to the side.

- Go, go, go, go.
- Fucking idiots!

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Wait. I got a message.

Oh, it's from Taylor.

She said Marcus is coming to the party.

- He has a huge crush on Brixlee.
- She's definitely gonna kiss him.

He's the nicest kid in our grade.

Wait, wait.
I'm the nicest kid in our grade.

It goes me, Marcus, Max, you.

- I'm way nicer than Max.
- No, you're not!

You made Ms. Willoughby cry last year.

Hey, she was already crying.
I just took her picture.

Guys, guys! Look!

- It started.
- Oh, shit.

- Shit.
- Oh, fuck.

- Let's go back!
- Let's go back!

(ALL YELLING)

We're trapped.

- Let us out!
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

THOR: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

No, we're not.
We just need to time it, okay?

- We just need to time it right.
- Shit!

We can do this, guys. We can do this!

- No.No!
- (SCREAMING)

(HORNS HONKING)

- Max, no!
- Are you batshit crazy?

- (SCREAMING)
- What the fuck are you doing!

(GRUNTS)

- Oh, shit. He made it.
- MAX: Oh!

I did it!

Lucas, Lucas, look at me right now.

I know you're scared. I'm not, at all...

Shut up, Thor!

(HORNS HONKING)

- Lucas, fuck you! No!
- Shit! Shit!

- Lucas!
- (HORN HONKING)

No! Lucas!

(SCREAMS) I'm not dead!

- I'm not dead!
- MAX: All right.

- You got it, man. Come on.
- Yes! Yes!

- Fuck you!
- I love you, too.

Now, come over here.

I want my mom.

- Come on. Come on.
- Come on.

I'm fine. I'll just live here.

- I'm good.
- LUCAS: Come on!

- Come on!
- You got this!

(EXHALES) All right. Come on, Thor.

You are not Sippy Cup. You're a badass.

- (YELLING)
- MAX: Come on, come on!

Oh, shit! My beer!

- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- (HORNS HONKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, shit!

(RETCHING)

- LUCAS: Oh!
- Oh, wait.

That's my dad's CPR doll.

- Oh.
- That's my dad's CPR doll!

- We're not murderers!
- Yes!

- We're saved!
- We're not fucking killers!

- We're not killers!
- Yes!

MAX: Beep, beep.

- Pardon me.
- Excuse me.

- Pardon me. Sorry.
- Hey!

Excuse me. Got to get through.

Sorry.

Hey. We called about
the BD Rolling Thunder.

I'm so sorry, you guys.

Sold it.

Ha-ha. Nice joke.

(MOCK CHUCKLING) So funny.

No, I did. I sold it.
Two girls, said they knew you.

- Fuck you!
- Jesus.

- I'm gonna kill your family, and then...
- Ease off the sugar, huh?

- Turn your whole family into zombies!
- Max!

I was gonna say...
You didn't let me finish...

They left a note for you.

- Why are they walking like that?
- I don't know.

(SIGHS)

How'd you guys track us?

We threw your bag in prickle bushes.

Dumbass, you told us
that your life would be over

if you didn't get a BD Rolling Thunder,

and this is the only place
a child could get to on a tricycle.

Okay. I have the drugs.
Now give me the drone.

(SIGHS)

Are you fucking kidding me?

What in the actual fuck?
These are just gummy vitamins.

- Shit.
- Told you she was gonna check.

- Fuck.
- LIIY: Where is the Molly?

- Where is it?
- A cop has it.

You gave our drugs to a cop?

LUCAS: Wait. Look.

I know you don't know us

and you think we're just stupid kids,

but just listen to me.

Whatever problems you're having,

drugs are not the answer.

Drugs just give you
a false sense of reality.

You may think your lives are bad,

but you have family and friends
who love you.

Can you shut the fuck up?

I just spent $600 on a fucking drone.

You ruined my passionate moment.

- HANNAH: Well, it was stupid.
- LIIY: This day is fucked.

Benji is the only one who has Molly,
and he won't sell it to us.

Okay. Well, I'm sorry. We're fucked.

We'll do it. We'll get your drugs.

- The fuck we will.
- What the hell, dude?

Do you think he would sell to kids?

We're not kids. We're tweens.

What do we have to lose?

So it's a deal?

(WHISPERING) Max, this is fucking insane.

Just take your goddamn punishment.

Lucas and I will go to the party.

We'll cock-block anyone
that gets near Brixlee.

(SIGHS) They didn't invite you.

What?

The popular kids only invited me.

What do you mean?

They think you're kind of... random.

- Oh.
- But it's okay,

'cause once those guys get to know you,

they'll see what I see,
that you're not random.

That you're specific.

I'm not buying drugs.

- Neither am I.
- You guys don't have to.

I'll do all the talking.
I just need your height in there.

You're the only one of us
that looks like they could be in college.

HANNAH: Guys.

Are you in or out?

So, you guys did all of this
for a kissing party?

No. There's also gonna be cool boys there.

I remember my first kissing party.

It was the summer after sixth grade
at Manush Patel's house.

- Uh, Manush's sister.
- (HANNAH CHUCKLES)

Wait, you weren't there?

No, we didn't really know each other then.
I mean, we were in the same grade,

but we didn't really become close
until eighth grade.

Oh. I just figured you guys
knew each other for longer.

Yeah, everybody knows you meet
your best friends in kindergarten.

- Yeah.
- The only reason you're friends

with people back then
is 'cause you live close to each other.

- Or because your parents are friends.
- No. That's not true for us.

We're friends because we like each other.

- And we live close together.
- And our parents are friends.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

HANNAH: Okay, come here.

Go in. Buy two pills. Ask for Benji.

Do not mention Hannah.

- Who's Hannah?
- I am.

Oh. I'm Max.

Yeah, I know who you are.

Okay, just go in there, buy the pills,

and then I'll trade you for the drone.

Okay, if this goes bad, drive off.

- Okay.
- Okay.

It's not too late to turn back.

No. We have to get the drugs

so we can get the drone,
so we can go to the party.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hello?

(MAN IN DISTANCE) I am your daddy!

You are my baby!

Listen, you will stay down here and suffer

until you learn to be men!

- (AIR HORN BLARES)
- (LUCAS SCREAMS)

Listen! What you babies wearing?

- MEN: Diapers!
- That's right!

(TV PLAYING QUIETLY)

Good evening. We're looking for Benji.

(SHOUTING CONTINUES IN OTHER ROOM)

Hey, dickless. Come here.

- Yes, Daddy.
- I need you to go find Benji.

Tell him he's got visitors.

Yes, Daddy.

(MAN IN DISTANCE)
I ask the fucking questions!

That's your son?

You guys can go sit your asses down
over there and wait.

(MAN IN DISTANCE) Whatever happens
to you is your own fucking fault.

Drop and give me 20, you fucking babies!

- (AIR HORN BLARES)
- (SCREAMS)

- Listen!
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Four! Get up!

(CHATTER CONTINUES IN OTHER ROOM)

Can I help you?

Good afternoon.

We would like to buy
two pieces of Molly, please.

(LAUGHING)

Did Rafi from Sigma Nu send you?

(LAUGHING) He did, that fucker.
You guys are, like, seven.

Oh, except for you.
I recognize you from Econ.

What's up, man?

Seriously, I'm not selling drugs to kids.

We're not kids. We're tweens.

Who told you to come here?

Sell us the drugs, and you'll find out.

(CHUCKLES)

All right.

Stay there.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING CONTINUES)

Hey.

How long do you think he's gonna be?

- (EXHALES)
- (COUGHS)

(GASPS) Oh, you made me high.

- (AIR HORN BLARES)
- (SCREAMS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

BENJI: Ah.

Tell me who sent you.

- (AIR HORN BLARES)
- Hannah.

What? I'm high as fuck.

(SCOFFS)

So, this is what she thinks of me, huh?

You can tell Hannah
that if she wants Molly,

she can suck my dick.

You shouldn't talk about women like that.

The only time she should suck your dick

is when she gives you consent.

You can suck my dick,

and you can suck my dick, too.

What about me? I'm just gonna sit here?

We're the Bean Bag Boys.
We do everything together.

Get the fuck out of here,
you little fucking babies. Let's go.

Get out!

Hey, guys, wait.

I have something in here
that might change your mind.

(SCOFFS)

Hurry up.

(MAN IN DISTANCE) Pledges, listen!

Bitch! Now who's the baby?

- Holy shit.
- What the fuck?

If I don't get those drugs,
I'm gonna be grounded,

and then I'll never get to kiss Brixlee!

Max, what the fuck are you doing?

You sell drugs. We came here to buy them.

So now you're gonna sell us the drugs.

Do not test me!

Okay.

You want the drugs?
I'm not your parent. Here.

- Thanks.
- (AIR HORN BLARES)

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, shit.

Oh, you're fucking dead.

- (PAINTBALL GUN FIRING)
- (GRUNTING)

What the fuck's going on down here?

- (GRUNTING, GASPING)
- Whoa!

She just dropped the charges.

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, God.

(YELLING)

(DISTORTED GRUNT)

(GROANS)

- Holy shit.
- (MAX YELLING)

(WHIMPERING)

LUCAS: Max, watch out!

(DISTORTED GROAN)

(GRUNTS)

- I got your back.
- (GRUNTS)

Thofl

(GROANING)

Your ass is mine!

(MAN YELLS)

(GROANS)

Oh, my God, I just killed a man!

Lucas, get the drugs!

(PAINTBALL GUN FIRING)

We were never here!

Start the fucking car!

Max!

- HANNAH: What's happening?
- Fucking go!

- What?
- Shit, shit, shit!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Drive! Drive!

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Lucas, drugs.

No, no, no, no, no.
Let me see what's in the bottle.

(SCOFFS) Yeah. Of course.

Okay, just give it to me.

(MAX GRUNTS, PANTS)

Wow, you guys are little badasses.

'Cause we're the Bean Bag Boys.

I don't know what that means.

We have beanbags.

It's been real, guys.

Have fun at your kissing party.

- Thank you.
- (ENGINE STARTS)

(BOTH SQUEALING EXCITEDLY)

Oh. We're only 1.7 miles away.

What's wrong? We got the drone.
Everything worked out.

Max. I got punched
in the fucking face, okay?

We bought drugs.

Can we just go home now?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Guys, it's my dad.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy. I got on the early flight,
so I'll be home in 15 minutes.

15 minutes from now
or 15 minutes from later?

Ha-ha, funny guy. I'll see you soon.

My dad will be home in 15 minutes.

Maybe he won't notice
that the drone's gone.

He'll notice. He's very observant.

That's why my mom fell in love with him.

The drone has to be home before your dad.

- I know.
- Just the drone. Not you.

Just the drone.

Okay.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (DRONE BUZZING)

Here we go.

- Yes!
- Yes!

(ALL CHEERING)

- THOR: Careful.
- I got this, I got this. Oh!

Fly like the wind, Max.

Yeah, uh, take a right up here.

- I can see your house.
- There it is. There it is.

THOR: The windows are closed.

- Shit. What do I do?
- The chimney.

- It's very tight.
- You got this.

Shit! I can't see. I can't see.
There's ash all over the camera.

Use the Force.

No, I can do this.
I know my house perfectly.

- I can do this with my eyes closed.
- Okay.

THOR: Don't break anything.

MAX: Trust me, I got this.

(OBJECTS CRASHING)

(BEEPS)

- Yeah!
- You did it! You got it!

- Yes!
- I'm the best pilot ever!

Yes!

(DOOR CLOSES)

- I think we did it.
- Yeah.

- Mission accomplished.
- (PHONE BUZZES)

Hey, Dad.

Did you get home safe?

DAD ON PHONE: Cannot believe
I trusted you!

I explicitly told you,

- do not touch the drone!
- Uh-huh.

- Oh, my God.
- I love you.

Dad?

Dad, please... say "I love you" back.

I need to hear it.

Hello?

My dad said that I'm grounded.

Now I'm never gonna be able
to kiss Brixlee.

It's okay, Max. There'll be other parties.

- Lucas, you don't get it.
- He's right, Lucas.

This party could change our lives,
and you don't even care.

It's not cool at all.

Yeah, you would know what's not cool.

What the fuck does that mean?

Go sip a beer, Sippy Cup.

I love beer, so yes, I will.

And you may think you're so mature,

but the truth is you don't have pubes,
and I have six.

You say you have pubes,
but you also say you drink beer,

and I know you don't.

- Stop arguing!
- Just admit you skipped the audition

because you thought it wasn't cool
even though your voice is a fucking gift.

And you always talk a big game,
and you never back it up.

- Like on the freeway.
- Oh, sorry.

I didn't want to cross 12 lanes of traffic
so you can kiss some skank.

- Oh, shit.
- MAX: She's not a skank.

She's the love of my life.
You take that back!

- (GRUNTING)
- LUCAS: Hey, no karate.

Stop fighting!

(CRYING) You should never
call a woman a skank.

You should never call a woman anything.

- And you...
- (ALL CRYING)

You made us ditch school,
run around with drugs,

and lock a cop in a convenience store

with what I now suspect is a dildo!

(LAUGHING)

What the fuck are you looking at, Gandalf?

- (MUTTERING)
- You guys don't understand shit.

I have hormones flowing through my body,

making me do crazy things.

Do you even know what it feels like

to want to rub up
against a tree all the time?

- You think you're better than us.
- Not better, just more mature.

I'm into romance and grown-up shit,

and you guys are still
into little kid stuff.

I don't even know why we're still friends.

(ALL CRYING)

DAD: Everything you like is now canceled.

Birthdays are canceled.
Holidays are canceled.

Summers, canceled.

Winter is coming.

- I'm sorry, Daddy.
- DAD: No, no, no.

You are no longer allowed
to call me Daddy.

Call me Andrew or Mr. Newman or Warden.

Underneath that cherubic face,
Devil lives inside you.

I will always love you
because you are my son.

But I no longer like you.

(NOTE PLAYING)

Thorny. I just got off
the phone with Max's mom.

Did you know he skipped school
and biked to the mail by himself?

- He said that?
- He did.

Promise me you'll never do something
as stupid as that, okay?

I promise.

LUCAS: And then
we ran across the highway,

my arm got ripped out,

and a fake woman shot out of a car.

But we still got the drugs.

But then we traded the drone for it,
and Max destroyed his house with it.

But it was only because
he wanted to marry Brixlee,

and now he can't
because he's grounded for life.

And we got into a huge fight,

and the Bean Bag Boys are broke up, and...

- Am I in trouble?
- Okay, son.

Now, look, I love a good story
with a bunch of gibberish

just as much as anybody, okay?

And I know you're going through
a stressful time.

But it doesn't give you a reason
to tell us fibs.

I'm not fibbing.

I'm 100% sure you're fibbing to me.

- I'm not fibbing.
- Okay.

I think I understand
what's happening here.

You think you're losing us,

and now you're worried you're
gonna lose your friends, too.

Look at me, man.
We'll always be there, right?

Look, don't get me wrong. Ha!

Me and your mom are not the same people
we were when we first met.

- Mm-hmm.
- Tend to grow apart sometimes.

But it's okay.

You remember your hermit crab?

- Herman? Yeah.
- That's right. Herman.

- And you remember why he died?
- Oh, son of a...

You told me he ran away!

Technically, yes,
he ran away, but then he died.

Oh, my gosh. How?

Herman died because hermit crabs
grow out of their shells,

and they need to find new,
bigger seashells on the beach

to grow into, or they die,
and we didn't know that.

So, Herman died because of you guys?

The point is...

you and your friends
are growing and changing,

and y'all need to find bigger shells.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

(DAD, VOICE FADING) Okay, look, you need
to blame those pet store owners

because they did not give us
the information about hermit crabs...

(SIGHS)

(MAX SCREAMS)

LUCAS: It's Lucas.

You scared the shit out of me.

I didn't want your parents to see my face.

Why are you even here?

I've grown a lot in the last two hours.

My parents' divorce has really changed me.

If the Bean Bag Boys don't grow together,
they'll grow apart.

I don't want that.

I don't want to get a divorce from you.

Then you need to go to Soren's party.

- You need to sneak out.
- I can't. I'm grounded.

Besides, Brixlee's necklace
is still in the kiln.

Let me worry about the necklace.

And what are your parents gonna do,
double-ground you?

Is Brixlee your forever or not?

Then you need to come with me now.

Fine, I'll go,
but I'm not apologizing to Thor.

- He's not coming.
- Good.

Fuck that bitch.

I'll go get myjacket.

- Hey, Max.
- Yeah?

Bring that dick.

(SIGHS) You said Thor wasn't coming.

- What the hell is he doing here?
- I Parent-Trapped your asses.

See, now we're all in
a bigger hermit crab shell together.

It made sense when my parents said it.

So, you took the blame for us, huh?

Yeah. I thought about what you would do,

and did the opposite.

This party, it's gonna be an epic rager.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, Sippy Cup.

Just stay out of my way, Maxi Pad.

Aw, don't you boys look cute.

Everybody's in the basement.

I don't even want to know
what's going on down there.

Come on in, fellas.

- Hi.
- (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) Hi there. Oh.

(WOMAN SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God, you made it.

Max, I want you to meet Brixlee.

Hi. I'm Max.

Hi.

- It's nice to finally meet you.
- You, too.

- Cool jacket.
- Thank you.

I got it all by myself, with my mom.

I go shopping with my mom, too.

This is going so well.

(WHISPERS) Did you bring the necklace?

Brixlee, this is for you.

Oh, thanks. It's pretty.

They're an-al.

Ooh, fancy.

(GAGS, CLEARS THROAT)

I'm gonna wear this later.

Thanks, Max.

What's up, Sippy Cup?

Not much. Just, uh, got into a fight

with a bunch of men and, uh, stole a beer.

There's no way Sippy Cup
is gonna drink it.

Not only am I gonna drink it,

- I'm gonna break the record.
- (KIDS GASPING, CHUCKLING)

I'm gonna take four sips.

Four is impossible.

- Soren can't even do four.
- SOREN: Shut up.

Drink.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER, MURMURING)

(LID CLINKS ON FLOOR)

(EXHALES)

That's one.

Big deal.

(GASPS) That's two.

Mm-kay.

That's three!

This is insane.

(GAGS)
ATTICUS: He's gonna barf.

Somebody get him a sippy cup.

(CHANTING) Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup!

Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup!

- Sippy Cup! Sippy...
- (GASPING, EXCLAIMING)

That's fucking four!

- Oh, fuck!
- (KIDS EXCLAIMING)

(CHANTING) Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!

Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!

- (CHANTING CONTINUES)
- I'm a fucking alcoholic!

- (IAUGHTER)
- (CHANTING STOPS)

GIRL: No way!

SOREN: Four sips. Badass.

Mad respect to Thor.

Eyes up here. If you don't
consent to kissing, that's cool.

You can go play VR upstairs.

But if you're staying down here,
you better strap in,

because shit's about to get real.

- (CHUCKLING)
- BOY: Hell yeah.

Let's spin a bottle.

Well, then it's a good thing
I got a bottle right here!

(KIDS CHEERING)

("HEAT OF THE MOMENT" BY ASIA PLAYING)

I'm out.

- Where are you going?
- That was nasty.

I'm going upstairs to play VR.

If you leave, you can never come back.

Brixlee, your turn.

(DEEP INHALE)

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Oh, my God. This is the most
dramatic thing I've ever seen.

He's not gonna do it.

He's gonna do it.

I can't do it.

(KIDS MURMURING)

People don't change. He's still Sippy Cup.

- Wait, wait. Kissy Cup.
- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(CHANTING) Kissy Cup!

KIDS: Kissy Cup!
Kissy Cup!

Kissy Cup! Kissy...

Fuck off, Atticus! His name is Thor.

And everyone knows your mom
plagiarized her cookbook.

Thor, wait up.

I'm sorry I called you a try-hard.

Nah, you were right.

This whole time, I've been trying
to be someone who I wasn't.

I got an earring.

I drank a beer.

I quit singing.

Yeah.

I guess I went a little crazy today, too.

(SIGHS)

Let's get out of here.

No. You don't want to do that.

You're gonna stay down here
and kiss Brixlee.

The Bean Bag Boys do everything together.

Not everything.

Not anymore.

(SIGHS)

Maybe those old girls were right.

Maybe we're on different paths.

Yeah.

Then what are you gonna do?

I don't know. I just know it's not this.

TAYLOR: No way.

This is insane.

Forget spin the bottle.

Now go over there
and kiss your future wife.

(SIGHS) Bye.

Bye.

Brixlee, can I kiss you?

Okay.

Aah! Cool.

Where am I?

Oh, here I am.

Lucas, I'm leaving.

- You sure you don't want to try this?
- Nah, I'm good.

Want to go to my house and play Ascension?

I don't want to play Ascension anymore.

Then who am I gonna play with?

You'll find someone.

(DOOR OPENS)

LILY: My face feels so tingly.

- No way.
- (LIIY LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. This is amazing!

I can't believe you guys are here.

(LAUGHING) Oh, this is so amazing.

- Hi.
- Sit down.

Please no, please no. Don't kill us.

Look what happened.

How do you know Soren?

- Is he your boyfriend?
- (IAUGHS)

He's my brother.
I love that piece of shit.

(HANNAH AND LILY LAUGH)

You guys, where's everybody else?

Where's your friend with the sad eyes?

- Sad boy Max.
- LUCAS: In the basement kissing.

It's an orgy down there.

And you guys aren't into that?

- Mm-mm.
- Aw, it's okay.

You're only in sixth grade.
You guys are gonna figure it out.

You have your whole life for that.
No rush. No rush.

I mean, what do you love?

Ascension, rules, anti-drug campaigns...

grilled cheese.

Oh, I could fuck with
a grilled cheese right now.

Guys, I'm gonna make us grilled cheese.

- Oh, yeah. That sounds so good.
- Nice.

What about you, sleeveless?
What are you into?

I love to sing.

Yes.

(SIGHS) I actually skipped
my audition today for the musical.

- LIIY: No.
- Now I can't be in it.

- No.
- HANNAH: What?

You have to convince them
to let you audition.

You must. You must.

- Audition.
- Shh. Sing for us.

- No.
- Sing for us. You're a baby bird.

- We missed our concert.
- So, no grilled cheese?

- Sing for us. Sing for us.
- No.

Be our concert.

♪ I... I got to take a little time ♪

♪ A little time to think things over ♪

♪ I better read between the lines ♪

♪ In case I need it when I'm older ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Now this mountain I must climb ♪

♪ Feels like the world
upon my shoulders ♪

♪ But through the clouds
I see love shine ♪

♪ It keeps me warm as life grows colder ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ There '3 been heartache and pain ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Ifl can face it again ♪

- (BLOWING WHISTLE)
- ♪ I can't stop now ♪

♪ I've traveled so far ♪

♪ To change this lonely life ♪

(THOR AND KIDS' CHORUS)
♪ I want to know what love is ♪

(BABBLING, WHOOPING)

♪ I want you to show me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I want to feel what love is ♪

♪ I know you can show me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

THOR: ♪ I got to take a little time ♪

♪ A little time to look around me ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

♪ And I got nowhere left to hide ♪

♪ It looks like love has
Finally found me ♪

(WAILING)

♪ In my life ♪

♪ There '3 been heartache and pain ♪

♪ I don't know if I can face it again ♪

♪ I can't stop now ♪

♪ I've traveled so far ♪

♪ To change this lonely life ♪

(THOR AND KIDS' CHORUS)
♪ I want to know what love is ♪

♪ I know you can show me ♪

(GUITAR SOLO PLAYING)

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

THOR: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

(SNORTING)

♪ I want to know what love is ♪

♪ I know you can show me, oh ♪

♪ Let's talk about love ♪

KIDS' CHORUS: ♪ I want to know
what love is ♪

THOR: ♪ Love that you feel inside ♪

KIDS' CHORUS: ♪ I know you can show me ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I want to know ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(MAX WHOOPS)

My masterpiece.

(SNIFFS)

("FLASH BURN" BY TWIN RAINS PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- THOR: Thank you. I was really great.
- BOY: What's up, Max?

I'll be right back.

- Hey. I didn't think you'd make it.
- Are you kidding?

You know I'd never miss one of your shows.

It was so cool when you stabbed that pimp.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

Oh, sorry. Thor, this is Scout.

- You were really good.
- Thanks, sweetie.

I was much better in the matinee.

I'm gonna go find Cassidy.

I thought you were still grounded.

It ended yesterday. A month in the hole.

Thanks again for taking the fall.

You would've done the same.

Well, well, well. Look who's here. Me.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Feels like we haven't talked in weeks.

Yeah.

Max. My mom said she'll drop us at
frozen yogurt if your mom will pick us up.

- Great. Be there in a second, babe.
- Okay, babe.

So, how's it going with Scout?

Good. But hard. But good.

A relationship is a lot of work.
Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Hey. Uh, Lucas, you still want
to play Ascension

with me and the guys later?

- I'll be there in a minute.
- (SIGHS) Classic Lucas.

Carlos and those SCAB guys seem cool.

They're cool.

But they're not the Bean Bag Boys.

SCOUT: Max.

All right.

(VOICE BREAKING)
I guess... I guess I should go.

Yeah, all right. Well...

Yeah.

I missed you guys.

Let's make a promise.

Even if we don't hang out all the time,

we'll still always be there
for the big stuff.

Bean Bag Boys for life.

Bean Bag Boys for life.

(ALL HOWLING)

Wait.

There's something I have to show you.

Come up to my parents' bedroom
in three minutes.

Yo, guys, check this out.

An indoor swing?

- MAX: You always have the best toys.
- Yeah!

Flip that switch.

How cool is it?

MAX: Your parents love to play.

- What do they do with it?
- They swing on it.

- Can we go on it?
- Fuck yeah.

("CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE"
BY BARRY WHITE PLAYING)

- ANNABELLE: Thor?
- (MUSIC STOPS)

What are you doing in Mom and Dad's room?

Get the hell out of here, Annabelle!

That swing is for sexing.
People do sex on it.

ALL: Oh...

("GO TO TOWN" BY DOJA CAT PLAYING)

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