Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,571 --> 00:00:04,241
(clock ticking)
2
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,450
- Anybody have a charger?
3
00:00:24,451 --> 00:00:27,871
(bright orchestra music)
4
00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,204
- Does anybody wanna share?
5
00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:59,871
- No, I don't feel like sharing.
6
00:00:59,867 --> 00:01:02,717
I just need my phone to turn on.
7
00:01:02,723 --> 00:01:05,973
- People are such slaves to technology.
8
00:01:09,145 --> 00:01:13,195
- I get up every day at 6:00
am, I catch the bus at 7:00 am,
9
00:01:13,201 --> 00:01:16,731
I take the train at 8:00
am, I'm at work from 9:00 am
10
00:01:16,732 --> 00:01:19,532
to 5:00 pm and then I'm here.
11
00:01:19,532 --> 00:01:22,302
I do the same thing every single day.
12
00:01:22,301 --> 00:01:23,131
Why?
13
00:01:23,134 --> 00:01:25,384
Because I like consistency.
14
00:01:26,716 --> 00:01:28,526
You know the day in Back to the Future,
15
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,604
well it's already happened.
16
00:01:30,604 --> 00:01:33,084
And this, this, this is it!
17
00:01:33,075 --> 00:01:35,425
But instead of floatin'
around on hoverboards
18
00:01:35,425 --> 00:01:39,035
with M.J. Fox, I get to
share my thoughts to people
19
00:01:39,044 --> 00:01:42,694
who don't care about me in 140 characters.
20
00:01:42,694 --> 00:01:44,084
- You wanna talk about it?
21
00:01:44,084 --> 00:01:46,964
- No, I don't wanna talk about it.
22
00:01:46,964 --> 00:01:48,534
I'm tired of talking.
23
00:01:48,534 --> 00:01:50,754
My brain is fried!
24
00:01:50,745 --> 00:01:53,475
You know, keepin' up
with friends and family,
25
00:01:53,476 --> 00:01:56,356
they're not meant to be
connected all of the time.
26
00:01:56,356 --> 00:01:58,996
There are people who are
supposed to just (blows out air)
27
00:01:59,002 --> 00:02:00,412
pass through your life.
28
00:02:00,414 --> 00:02:03,974
But with social media,
you cannot escape them!
29
00:02:03,974 --> 00:02:07,204
For example, Athena, a girl
that I had a mild crush
30
00:02:07,196 --> 00:02:09,766
on in middle school,
guess what I have to do?
31
00:02:09,774 --> 00:02:13,334
I have to look at her three fat children
32
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,494
every single day on Facebook.
33
00:02:15,494 --> 00:02:17,244
Social evolution people,
34
00:02:17,236 --> 00:02:20,576
it's supposed to keep
us separate from it all!
35
00:02:20,583 --> 00:02:21,693
- Then stop.
36
00:02:21,692 --> 00:02:23,082
- They can't help it!
37
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,366
I log into my email,
bing, (electronic beeping)
38
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:26,547
I get a notification.
39
00:02:26,551 --> 00:02:29,071
They've got an algorithm
that targets everything
40
00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:33,241
else that I might be
remotely interested in.
41
00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:36,957
I don't care what Kendall or
Kourtney are wearing today.
42
00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:38,769
But I can't help clickin' on it.
43
00:02:38,769 --> 00:02:41,769
I have so many fuckin' tabs
open, I just can't stop!
44
00:02:41,769 --> 00:02:43,949
I am so far down the rabbit hole now,
45
00:02:43,949 --> 00:02:45,989
I'm readin' weird news articles
46
00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:48,490
about the bikini clown bandit!
47
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,670
- So?
48
00:02:52,668 --> 00:02:54,738
- Last night I was clickin'
on these tabs on my phone.
49
00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:56,040
My finger, it's just (whistles)
50
00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:57,211
I have no control of it!
51
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:01,210
I thought I put my phone in
the charger, but I didn't.
52
00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:03,390
So my phone died and then I woke up late.
53
00:03:03,389 --> 00:03:06,089
(intense drumming music)
54
00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:08,668
I don't have time to charge
it, I run out the door.
55
00:03:08,669 --> 00:03:12,089
(intense drumming music)
56
00:03:20,277 --> 00:03:23,737
I missed my bus, and
you know who drives by?
57
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,566
My asshole supervisor!
58
00:03:26,544 --> 00:03:29,964
So now, I gotta run to the train station.
59
00:03:31,205 --> 00:03:33,155
I don't know how to get there, why?
60
00:03:33,155 --> 00:03:36,015
Because I rely on my GPS.
61
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:39,486
So now I'm runnin' down
some really seedy alley,
62
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:42,495
kinda like the space where
Bruce Wayne's parents
63
00:03:42,496 --> 00:03:43,396
got whacked!
64
00:03:43,395 --> 00:03:47,195
Top it off, I missed my
breakfast, so I'm starvin'!
65
00:03:47,204 --> 00:03:51,374
And suddenly, suddenly I
see, and I am not kidding,
66
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:56,676
there's a fuckin' hot
dog starin' right at me.
67
00:03:56,677 --> 00:03:58,717
So I stop, dead in my tracks!
68
00:03:58,717 --> 00:04:02,297
(dramatic classical music)
69
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,787
(tires squealing)
70
00:04:17,786 --> 00:04:19,626
But then the bikini clown
bandits were in the middle
71
00:04:19,631 --> 00:04:21,761
of some warehouse heist.
72
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:25,341
(dramatic classical music)
73
00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:34,838
And I got in the middle of it.
74
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,009
(guns clicking)
75
00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:38,130
So what do they do?
(tires squealing)
76
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,475
(guns firing)
77
00:04:39,478 --> 00:04:41,838
They take my wallet
78
00:04:41,838 --> 00:04:43,808
and then they do...
79
00:04:43,814 --> 00:04:46,944
(clowns giggling)
80
00:04:46,935 --> 00:04:48,215
They do a series--
81
00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:49,050
(grunting)
82
00:04:49,053 --> 00:04:49,893
(clowns giggling)
83
00:04:49,886 --> 00:04:52,016
(fabric ripping)
84
00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:54,310
(clowns hollering)
85
00:04:54,308 --> 00:04:56,638
Of unspeakable things to me.
86
00:04:58,049 --> 00:05:00,749
And the last words they said...
87
00:05:00,749 --> 00:05:02,919
- No one will believe you!
88
00:05:03,829 --> 00:05:06,039
(cackling)
89
00:05:06,038 --> 00:05:07,158
- What the fuck?
90
00:05:07,158 --> 00:05:08,508
- You're full of shit!
91
00:05:08,510 --> 00:05:10,850
- And why would I make any of this up?
92
00:05:10,849 --> 00:05:12,199
- It is a bit far-fetched, Ted.
93
00:05:12,196 --> 00:05:13,756
- You couldn't write this stuff!
94
00:05:13,758 --> 00:05:15,068
Now I get to work.
95
00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,380
Everyone's laughin' at me.
96
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:18,160
Ha, ha, ha, we're all laughin' at Ted,
97
00:05:18,156 --> 00:05:19,226
having a good time.
98
00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:21,730
My supervisor comes up to me and says,
99
00:05:21,727 --> 00:05:25,447
"You were late today,
don't let it happen again!"
100
00:05:25,449 --> 00:05:28,869
(phones ringing)
101
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:31,620
(crowd laughing)
102
00:05:39,678 --> 00:05:41,348
This was it.
103
00:05:41,348 --> 00:05:43,838
This was the last straw for Ted.
104
00:05:43,837 --> 00:05:46,617
(serene classical music)
105
00:05:46,615 --> 00:05:50,665
So I wait and I watch and
I watched and I waited.
106
00:05:50,668 --> 00:05:52,738
I wait and I watch, I watch and I wait.
107
00:05:52,737 --> 00:05:54,217
I wait and I watch.
108
00:05:54,215 --> 00:05:56,915
And as soon as my supervisor steps out,
109
00:05:56,916 --> 00:06:01,386
I walk up to his desk
and I fuckin' lost it!
110
00:06:01,388 --> 00:06:03,638
I started with one drawing.
111
00:06:04,844 --> 00:06:07,934
I just wanted to draw
one innocent little penis
112
00:06:07,926 --> 00:06:09,906
on his precious reports.
113
00:06:09,908 --> 00:06:13,138
(serene classical music)
114
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,140
But then it turned into two penises.
115
00:06:18,966 --> 00:06:21,356
Now the penis train has left the station!
116
00:06:21,356 --> 00:06:22,546
Choo choo!
117
00:06:22,554 --> 00:06:26,314
And suddenly, I'm like Michael
frickin' Angelo over there.
118
00:06:26,305 --> 00:06:28,725
And I'm drawin' big
penises, small penises,
119
00:06:28,732 --> 00:06:31,292
black penises, white
penises, yellow penises,
120
00:06:31,294 --> 00:06:34,174
biracial penises,
circumcised, uncircumcised,
121
00:06:34,174 --> 00:06:36,484
testicles, like elephantitis!
122
00:06:36,484 --> 00:06:39,014
Every different kind of
dick you could imagine!
123
00:06:39,014 --> 00:06:42,914
Every dick has a home, straight,
hooked, it doesn't matter!
124
00:06:42,913 --> 00:06:44,673
I'm drawin' dicks!
125
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,010
(serene classical music)
126
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,657
And then,
127
00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:50,160
and then I saw it.
128
00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:53,950
Like Frodo to the ring,
129
00:06:55,029 --> 00:06:56,369
I saw it.
130
00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:58,542
(opera music)
131
00:06:58,539 --> 00:07:01,979
(distant whispering)
132
00:07:01,981 --> 00:07:03,641
- I don't believe any of this!
133
00:07:03,643 --> 00:07:04,813
- Believe it sister!
134
00:07:04,813 --> 00:07:06,803
Because I couldn't help myself!
135
00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:08,803
So at that afternoon team meeting,
136
00:07:08,801 --> 00:07:11,971
(intense opera music)
137
00:07:24,693 --> 00:07:28,533
When he starts up his
PowerPoint presentation,
138
00:07:31,387 --> 00:07:32,297
guess what?
139
00:07:34,507 --> 00:07:36,337
He presses the button,
140
00:07:37,627 --> 00:07:39,787
and it's dicks galore!
141
00:07:39,787 --> 00:07:41,507
Showers, not throwers!
142
00:07:41,509 --> 00:07:43,669
A visual essay on dicks!
143
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:46,272
All over his precious presentation!
144
00:07:46,269 --> 00:07:47,749
There's dicks here, dicks there.
145
00:07:47,749 --> 00:07:49,259
I can't find a dick anywhere,
146
00:07:49,258 --> 00:07:51,768
because they're all over my face, dicks!
147
00:07:51,766 --> 00:07:55,316
Rain in forecast, dicks,
penis, cock, schlong,
148
00:07:55,318 --> 00:07:58,788
shaft, the Mona Lisa in
dicks, there is no taint,
149
00:07:58,793 --> 00:08:01,003
there is only cock and balls!
150
00:08:01,003 --> 00:08:03,553
There is a dick hurricane happenin'
151
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,060
and it's all because of Ted!
152
00:08:06,062 --> 00:08:09,232
(intense opera music)
153
00:08:25,445 --> 00:08:28,095
But after all that,
you know what happened?
154
00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:31,389
After all the shock, all
these tech executives,
155
00:08:31,389 --> 00:08:35,409
they praised my boss, they
called it an awesome shock
156
00:08:35,411 --> 00:08:38,371
to the system that
illustrates the pointlessness
157
00:08:38,371 --> 00:08:39,371
of meetings.
158
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:48,228
And what do they do?
159
00:08:48,229 --> 00:08:50,309
They promoted the fucker!
160
00:08:53,469 --> 00:08:55,559
- And how do you feel about it, Ted?
161
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,230
(clock ticking)
162
00:09:01,851 --> 00:09:05,451
- Like i said, I don't
wanna talk about it.
163
00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:08,623
(intense opera music)
11583
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
