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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,549 --> 00:00:02,849 - So I'm in the room, 2 00:00:02,845 --> 00:00:06,175 and the only thing that I could say was, 3 00:00:07,479 --> 00:00:08,309 I wasn't me. 4 00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,402 - But was it you? 5 00:00:10,396 --> 00:00:11,896 - I don't know. 6 00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,330 - Don't lie to me. 7 00:00:13,325 --> 00:00:16,095 - Oh, come on T-bag, I can't do this, man. 8 00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,481 - Was it you? 9 00:00:17,481 --> 00:00:20,311 Were you the one who truly farted? 10 00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,197 - Yes. 11 00:00:22,195 --> 00:00:23,025 Yes I was. 12 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,540 I was the one who truly farted. 13 00:00:26,536 --> 00:00:27,636 Okay. 14 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,890 - Doesn't that feel better? 15 00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:33,674 - It kinda, it kinda does. 16 00:00:33,671 --> 00:00:35,751 I'd like to thank the group for lettin' me 17 00:00:35,751 --> 00:00:37,221 clear the air with that. 18 00:00:37,215 --> 00:00:39,465 (laughing) 19 00:00:40,963 --> 00:00:42,643 - Oh, I'm sorry. 20 00:00:42,639 --> 00:00:45,219 (bright music) 21 00:01:09,993 --> 00:01:12,803 - Lady, what's your problem? 22 00:01:12,796 --> 00:01:16,766 - Oh, no, no no, I didn't mean anything by it. 23 00:01:16,768 --> 00:01:19,968 I mean, it's just, come on, right? 24 00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:21,095 (laughing) 25 00:01:21,095 --> 00:01:22,755 - Come on, what? 26 00:01:22,759 --> 00:01:26,099 I wish I could be as anal-retentive as you, 27 00:01:26,102 --> 00:01:29,312 that I never pass gas in my entire life 28 00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:30,886 and blame somebody else. 29 00:01:30,894 --> 00:01:35,064 But no, me, Ted, he suffers from severe bowel issues, okay? 30 00:01:36,813 --> 00:01:38,783 - Hey, hey, hey, Ted. 31 00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:39,688 Teddy Bear. 32 00:01:39,693 --> 00:01:41,733 What do we say? 33 00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:43,074 Circle of trust. 34 00:01:45,616 --> 00:01:46,986 - Alright. 35 00:01:46,994 --> 00:01:49,084 My apologies, young lady. 36 00:01:51,665 --> 00:01:55,075 - Alright, hey great, do you wanna share? 37 00:01:56,465 --> 00:01:57,295 - Oh, me? 38 00:01:58,336 --> 00:01:59,336 No, no, no, no. 39 00:01:59,342 --> 00:02:00,842 I just came to observe. 40 00:02:00,844 --> 00:02:04,644 I actually came with Harmony, my yoga instructor. 41 00:02:04,635 --> 00:02:06,015 Namaste. 42 00:02:06,015 --> 00:02:08,725 She told me about your little gatherings. 43 00:02:08,726 --> 00:02:10,266 So I thought I'd come and be 44 00:02:10,265 --> 00:02:12,685 part of the community and listen. 45 00:02:12,690 --> 00:02:15,480 - Honey, underneath all your fancy-schmancy 46 00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:18,769 prim proper princess of the homecoming facade. 47 00:02:18,773 --> 00:02:21,573 With this I'm a fly on the wall bull, 48 00:02:21,570 --> 00:02:25,120 lies probably the wickedest douche bagette. 49 00:02:25,122 --> 00:02:26,542 - Oh, okay, yeah. 50 00:02:28,355 --> 00:02:30,445 Um, I'm not one of you. 51 00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,544 I'm not a douche bagette. 52 00:02:33,624 --> 00:02:36,004 - You ain't mother fuckin' Theresa. 53 00:02:35,997 --> 00:02:38,827 You're not a noble prize peace marchin' bitch. 54 00:02:38,833 --> 00:02:40,883 You're a stone cold douche I ever seen one. 55 00:02:40,882 --> 00:02:42,672 - Oh. Okay, yeah. 56 00:02:42,673 --> 00:02:43,553 Here's something. 57 00:02:43,547 --> 00:02:44,887 I don't know what you mean. 58 00:02:44,892 --> 00:02:46,392 - Ugh. 59 00:02:46,385 --> 00:02:47,215 Share. 60 00:02:48,221 --> 00:02:49,851 Or don't. 61 00:02:49,846 --> 00:02:50,676 Or die. 62 00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:53,229 Do something. 63 00:02:53,229 --> 00:02:55,649 - Hey, everybody has a story. 64 00:02:56,683 --> 00:02:59,773 There's no judgment here, sweetheart. 65 00:03:01,895 --> 00:03:03,725 - Well, okay. 66 00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:05,454 If you wish. 67 00:03:05,449 --> 00:03:08,819 Guys my life is embarrassing normal 68 00:03:08,823 --> 00:03:11,413 I am the happily married mother of 3. 69 00:03:11,410 --> 00:03:12,830 - Jesus Christ, just tell us about your 70 00:03:12,827 --> 00:03:14,497 mother fuckin' fairy tale day. 71 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,660 - Well, no, it's just like any other day. 72 00:03:17,663 --> 00:03:18,923 As a mom. 73 00:03:18,921 --> 00:03:19,751 (alarm sounding) 74 00:03:19,754 --> 00:03:21,464 I was gonna be busy all day. 75 00:03:21,455 --> 00:03:23,395 (rock music) 76 00:03:23,402 --> 00:03:25,262 (water running) 77 00:03:25,257 --> 00:03:28,927 I have a special routine to make my day start right. 78 00:03:28,926 --> 00:03:30,516 You got this. 79 00:03:30,515 --> 00:03:33,175 I make my special protein blend. 80 00:03:37,431 --> 00:03:38,491 (children fighting) 81 00:03:38,489 --> 00:03:39,319 - Get out! 82 00:03:39,322 --> 00:03:40,242 Go! Go! Go! 83 00:03:41,987 --> 00:03:43,877 Once my protein kicks in, I'm really 84 00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,275 starting my day the right way. 85 00:03:46,283 --> 00:03:48,033 Christian! Thank you! 86 00:03:49,450 --> 00:03:50,330 Ugh! 87 00:03:50,326 --> 00:03:51,796 (door slams) 88 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,920 - You always make me, 89 00:03:52,923 --> 00:03:54,223 - I don't wanna hear it. 90 00:03:54,215 --> 00:03:55,465 Get in the car. 91 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:57,870 You're still a child. 92 00:03:57,872 --> 00:04:02,262 I'm your mother and I'm trying to help you. 93 00:04:02,258 --> 00:04:04,298 - What if I don't need your help? 94 00:04:04,296 --> 00:04:06,506 - Then I gotta drop everyone at 7:45am 95 00:04:06,506 --> 00:04:08,596 and be back at 2:15pm. 96 00:04:08,597 --> 00:04:10,297 (tires screeching) 97 00:04:10,304 --> 00:04:12,894 (bell ringing) 98 00:04:15,147 --> 00:04:18,367 Now, I have five hours to dry cleaners, 99 00:04:18,374 --> 00:04:19,214 hit the gym, 100 00:04:19,207 --> 00:04:20,547 hit the pharmacy, 101 00:04:20,548 --> 00:04:23,728 fill in for doubles tennis with Marsha, 102 00:04:23,733 --> 00:04:27,203 and take Nancy to her birthday with the girls. 103 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,490 And get to Vin yoga for a little me time, 104 00:04:29,492 --> 00:04:33,002 which is all I wanted to do in the first place. 105 00:04:32,996 --> 00:04:34,206 (clicking) 106 00:04:34,206 --> 00:04:35,996 Now I need my special power-up. 107 00:04:35,996 --> 00:04:38,406 (rock music) 108 00:04:41,086 --> 00:04:42,916 Then, they're all out of zinfandel. 109 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,590 So the waiter says, We only have cabernet sauvignon. 110 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:49,610 (laughing) 111 00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:50,715 (bell ringing) 112 00:04:50,721 --> 00:04:51,721 (tires screeching) 113 00:04:51,719 --> 00:04:53,309 - I don't know why you always have to get into my life. 114 00:04:53,305 --> 00:04:54,635 My life is not your life. 115 00:04:54,637 --> 00:04:55,717 It's my life. 116 00:04:56,616 --> 00:04:59,056 - Your life is my life. 117 00:04:59,061 --> 00:05:01,691 Until you're out of the house. 118 00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:04,527 Now, I'm late, missing my yoga because now I have to 119 00:05:04,528 --> 00:05:05,778 drop off the kids at ballet, 120 00:05:05,775 --> 00:05:09,115 swim and soccer practice all over town. 121 00:05:09,115 --> 00:05:11,505 Top it off, I'm not sure if a helicopter's following me, 122 00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:15,666 or if its the Xanex not mixing well with the cab sauv. 123 00:05:20,999 --> 00:05:24,079 All the while, the last restorative yoga class 124 00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:27,094 with Harmony is about to start in two minutes. 125 00:05:27,092 --> 00:05:29,222 They have a five minute courtesy policy, 126 00:05:29,216 --> 00:05:32,216 so this is the last class that I'm going to make it to 127 00:05:32,221 --> 00:05:34,301 to pick up my kids on time. 128 00:05:34,303 --> 00:05:38,853 But then, this woman has the gaul to say that I hit her car. 129 00:05:38,847 --> 00:05:41,227 Then, she threatens to call the police. 130 00:05:41,232 --> 00:05:45,482 And I realize I've just lost my window to the last class. 131 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:49,400 And I really, really needed to take this class. 132 00:05:50,857 --> 00:05:53,157 This is it for me. 133 00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,081 I deserve some me time. 134 00:05:57,701 --> 00:06:00,841 By now, I'm supposed to be in happy baby pose. 135 00:06:00,836 --> 00:06:03,826 But now, I'm looking at this woman. 136 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:07,670 This bitch and her outdated ass cell phone. 137 00:06:07,673 --> 00:06:08,923 And I just ugh. 138 00:06:11,090 --> 00:06:14,840 This woman took away my only moment of peace. 139 00:06:16,972 --> 00:06:20,392 And then she's like, Well, you're a bitch. 140 00:06:20,387 --> 00:06:22,307 Oh no, no, no, no, no. 141 00:06:22,309 --> 00:06:24,229 You are a bitch, bitch. 142 00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:27,395 She's like, Excuse me? 143 00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:29,779 And I'm like, Oh, no, no, no. 144 00:06:29,779 --> 00:06:30,609 No, no. 145 00:06:30,612 --> 00:06:34,372 I'm not sure if it was my middle school years bumpin' Tupac, 146 00:06:34,366 --> 00:06:37,616 but I'm like, oh no, excuse yourself you 147 00:06:37,621 --> 00:06:39,621 mother fuckin' cuntasaurus. 148 00:06:39,624 --> 00:06:41,124 You wanna squab? 149 00:06:41,115 --> 00:06:42,995 You wanna get gangsta? 150 00:06:42,995 --> 00:06:44,865 You breathe a word of this to anyone 151 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:48,852 and I will skull fuck your entire family to the ground. 152 00:06:48,846 --> 00:06:51,036 I know where you live, bitch. 153 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,844 I know where you live. 154 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,670 And I am loca, punta. 155 00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:57,716 So, if I was a gamblin' woman, 156 00:06:57,721 --> 00:07:00,541 I wouldn't roll the dice on this one. 157 00:07:00,541 --> 00:07:03,851 Otherwise, maybe a random assailant will come 158 00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:06,820 and deliver a much deserved ass beating. 159 00:07:06,821 --> 00:07:07,651 (bat cracking) 160 00:07:07,654 --> 00:07:09,994 (screaming) 161 00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:13,410 Or maybe your car blows up. 162 00:07:13,414 --> 00:07:15,914 (laughing) 163 00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:17,985 Or your house burns down. 164 00:07:19,465 --> 00:07:23,045 Or maybe you just end up mixin' your pills. 165 00:07:29,789 --> 00:07:30,629 (screams) 166 00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:32,633 So why don't you and Johnny Law handle this, 167 00:07:32,629 --> 00:07:35,129 'cause I will burn you and all your world 168 00:07:35,131 --> 00:07:37,051 to the mother fuckin' ground. 169 00:07:37,048 --> 00:07:38,558 Your mother 170 00:07:38,556 --> 00:07:40,096 Fuckin ground! 171 00:07:40,095 --> 00:07:41,735 To the mother 172 00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:43,265 Fuckin' ground. 173 00:07:43,266 --> 00:07:44,966 To the mother 174 00:07:44,973 --> 00:07:46,223 fuckin' ground! 175 00:07:52,902 --> 00:07:53,742 - Yeah. 176 00:08:02,071 --> 00:08:03,571 - Tell us another. 177 00:08:05,244 --> 00:08:06,164 - You know, 178 00:08:07,416 --> 00:08:09,696 I just wanted a little me time. 179 00:08:09,704 --> 00:08:13,004 It's when people have to get in my way, 180 00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:15,261 I have to mow 'em down. 181 00:08:15,259 --> 00:08:16,389 (laughing) 182 00:08:16,394 --> 00:08:17,804 - I like her. 183 00:08:17,799 --> 00:08:19,799 She's the real deal. 184 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,220 - Laura, everyone's a douche. 185 00:08:24,014 --> 00:08:26,354 Whether they know it or not. 186 00:08:27,271 --> 00:08:28,931 - No. 187 00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,024 No. 188 00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:32,517 Like I said, I'm not a douche. 189 00:08:33,570 --> 00:08:37,740 - What you just did right there, that was pure douche. 190 00:08:39,157 --> 00:08:39,987 - Yup. 191 00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:41,698 - Laura. 192 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,530 You're a douche. 193 00:08:47,162 --> 00:08:49,752 - Hey, you're not longer Laura. 194 00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:52,711 - Nope. 195 00:08:52,709 --> 00:08:54,589 - You're one of us now. 196 00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:55,420 - Yeah. 197 00:08:57,253 --> 00:08:58,343 - I dub thee, 198 00:09:00,135 --> 00:09:00,965 L Train. 199 00:09:02,929 --> 00:09:03,759 - L Train. 200 00:09:04,970 --> 00:09:06,230 - L Train. 201 00:09:06,225 --> 00:09:07,765 - L Train. 202 00:09:07,766 --> 00:09:09,056 L Train 203 00:09:09,062 --> 00:09:10,602 - L Train. 204 00:09:10,595 --> 00:09:11,885 - L Train. 205 00:09:11,888 --> 00:09:13,018 - L Train 206 00:09:13,023 --> 00:09:13,863 - L Train 207 00:09:15,497 --> 00:09:17,747 (chanting) 208 00:09:23,222 --> 00:09:24,222 - Oh my God. 209 00:09:25,486 --> 00:09:26,566 I'm a douche. 210 00:09:27,911 --> 00:09:29,331 I'm a douche. 211 00:09:29,331 --> 00:09:30,411 I'm a douche. 212 00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:33,082 I'm a douche. 213 00:09:33,081 --> 00:09:33,911 I'm a douche. 214 00:09:33,914 --> 00:09:35,364 I'm a douche. 215 00:09:35,364 --> 00:09:36,454 I'm a douche. 216 00:09:37,716 --> 00:09:38,546 Thank you. 217 00:09:38,549 --> 00:09:39,379 Thank you. 218 00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:40,432 Thank you. 219 00:09:40,429 --> 00:09:41,509 I love you. 220 00:09:41,506 --> 00:09:42,336 I love you. 221 00:09:42,339 --> 00:09:43,269 I love you all. 222 00:09:43,272 --> 00:09:45,012 I'm such a douche. 223 00:09:45,008 --> 00:09:45,838 Yes. 224 00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:51,844 (bright music) 14383

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