All language subtitles for Doucheaholics.S01E02_English

(high heels clicking)

- [Moderator] A lot of
progress being made.

A lot of progress.

I'm proud of every single one of you.

T-Bag, last session was amazing.

Great breakthrough.

Tap That, I'd tap that over your sharing.

Thank you.

Sandy, hmm?

Maybe next time.

Anybody else here?

Anybody?

Anybody else wanna get real and be real?

Anybody else here?

- I ain't gonna lie, I'm a douche.

(old fashioned swing music)

- What??

That's it?

- Yeah.

See, I'm easy.

- Psh, well I know that already.

- Should I share with
the group what kind of

animal noises help you get erect,

Mr. March of the Penguins?

That's what I thought.

So what am I cured?

Four hail Mary's and five
all falls and a blowie, what?

- DeAngela.

- I'm just being real,
be real, I can't help it.

A bird's gonna fly, fishy's gonna swim.

We are what we are.

I'm a douche.

You're a douche, you're a douche,

douche, douche, douche,
douche, douche, douchette,

And you?

Gosh, you must be some kind of
hall of fame historic douche

we don't even know about,
Mr. Freakin Moderator.

Sittin' on your Game of
Throne judging all of us

like you a Lannister?

You ain't Jamie Lannister.

You ain't even that midget Tyrion bitch.

I'm just being honest.

A modern day bitch who knows
who she is and what she wants.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

- If you say so.

- You're just threatened
by my female empowerment,

that's your problem.

- Look, I don't know if
you read the flier or not,

but all of us, we came here
tonight so that we could talk

and share and confess

like the motherfucking breakfast club.

- The motherfucking breakfast club.

- Fine, you want me to
montage you all some shit?

Hey, my name's DeAngela,
aka D-Cup and I'm a douche.

So I'm loose, 'kay?

It's the afternoon, I'm
at the bar and grill

getting my drink on.

After three Screaming Orgasms,

two Fuzzy Navels,

a couple Angel Tits,

five Rumchatas, I think
four Sex on the Beaches,

one watered down Flaming Dr. Pepper,

oh and three Adios Motherfuckers,

I was pretty adios motherfucking myself.

So next thing I know, I'm talking to

Benedict Cumberbatch,
star of stage and screen.

I was like, "No way! I'm
a total Cumberbitch!"

I really loved your new dragon
form in those Hobbit movies,

did you incorporate the Meisner technique?

Personally, I like Stanislavski,
but whatever works for you.

And your portrayal of
Sir Conan Doyle's sleuth,

oh my god!

Then he's all, "I'm
staying at the fairmont,

wanna help me solve my
greatest mystery yet?"

Next thing I know, I'm
getting some beautiful strange

from Doctor Strange himself.

Showing him my stanislavski.

I gave a mind-blowing performance.

(cheering)

(screaming)

- DeAngela!

Please, continue.

- Los and beholds, I wake up
in the parking lot of a 7/11

in a van with someone who
is definitely not my BeCum.

I don't know if BeCum had
him there the whole time,

but I was all "Who are you?"

And he's all "I'm Rob, the
Johnny Depp impersonator."

Turns out, I stumbled into

the Annual Impersonators Conference.

Then he's all, "Would you
like me to take you home?"

I'm like, "You're a home,"

and he's all, "That doesn't make sense,"

and I'm all, "Get out of my face, guy!"

And then he's all, "I
was a total gentleman.

I really like and respect you.

I wanna get to know you better.

It doesn't have to be about sex."

Big red flag!

So obviously that's
when I started running.

So I'm bolting it home, I'm missing a shoe

all Cinderella-like.

And these fucking bitches

start hollering at me, screaming,

"Did she get that outfit from Khol's?"

And I'm all, "No one
talks to me like that,

you little tot.

Look at you and your nasty little shoes,

you Kmart whore.

P.S. Khol's has great
bargains and fashion wear.

Shows how fucking ignorant you are."

So then they was all,
"You're an old slut,"

and I'm all, "You're all fucking ugly."

They was all crying and shit,

and I'm all, "Well don't shake the hive

if you don't want the
queen bee to sting you."

- How did that make you feel?

- What are you talking about?

- [Moderator] So you ran
out on a guy the first time

he shows any true affection for you,

then you make little children cry,

when you're supposed to be the adult.

- Did you ever stop and think about

how your actions might hurt others?

Like not calling someone
after you slept with them?

It hurts.

Especially

after things were said.

- Others feel?

What?

I hurt you?

- Maybe.

He did things that he
wouldn't normally do.

It hurts, okay?

- I'm feeling very, very weird right now.

All these concerns for others.

- That's called,

it's called empathy.

- Yeah, these empathies.

I'm feeling very, very
vulnerable right now.

Like, all these concerns for others,

it's also very emotional and

I just, I'm not used to things like these.

- We've all been there.

Okay?

- Yeah.

- Every one of us.

- Yeah.

- So now I ask you,

lay down your spears.

- Okay.

- Raise your white flags,

and lower the drawbridge

to your heart.

- Oh.

- Being a douche is day to day.

It takes time.

- I'm just

I'm at a loss for words.

- Well why don't you start
it with the first step,

in the universal language of a hug?

- Go there.

Okay.
- Cross the bridge.

- Careful, on the bridge.

- Bring it in.

It's okay.

It's about trust.

There you go.

Bring it in, take a step.

- Okay.

Just like Last Crusade, there you go.

- Oh, don't leave me.

It feels so good to be open.

- That's the warmth of progress.

- This group rocks!

- [Moderator] You need
a ride home tonight?

- Yeah.

- Great.

We could take my car.

You know, maybe we could continue this

without the barrier of clothing

to further our progress.

- Yeah.

- It's all about safety.

- So naked?

- This is a big breakthrough.

- Oh.
- That's right.

Skin on skin.

- Okay, this is extremely unprofessional.

(classic swing music)