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1
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,409
- Uh, it's hard to say.
2
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,350
Take it day by day.
3
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I've been clean for
the last three months.
4
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I was at the liquor store, and
5
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:29,663
I saw this couple
standing by the beers.
6
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,273
That temptation's always there.
7
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,844
Sometimes I can fight,
other times I can't.
8
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,082
I just wanted to be like,
9
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,351
Hey yo, Abercrombie,
if you don't want her,
10
00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:48,277
let Teabag take a drop!
11
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:50,580
- Yo, bro!
12
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:56,391
You forgot protocol.
- Oh yeah, right.
13
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,927
Yo, my name's Tony, AKA
Teabag, AKA Tenacious Pecs,
14
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:11,811
AKA Tenacious Dick, AKA
Tea-esticular Fortitude,
15
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:16,914
AKA Teatime at 6 a.m., AKA
Teasy Peasy, AKA Teasy Does It,
16
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:23,549
AKA Tea-burculosis, AKA
I Teabone Your Chick
17
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:27,161
It Was Dark I'm Sorry,
AKA T800, AKA T1000,
18
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,129
AKA Terminator Genesis
I Haven't Seen It Yet
19
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:35,295
So Don't Ruin It For Me, AKA
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRST UV XYZ,
20
00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,743
umm, and I guess I'm a douche.
21
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:44,735
(uptempo 60s music)
22
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,588
(opera music)
23
00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:13,427
So, here I am, this chick,
she comes walking in,
24
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:16,044
just asking for it, right?
25
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:19,336
She's with this dude who
obviously hits the library
26
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:23,040
more than the gym, if
you know what I'm saying.
27
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,253
(opera music)
So, I approach him,
28
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:29,517
and it's hot, it's steaming hot.
29
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,247
So naturally, I
take off my shirt,
30
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:34,592
'cause it's more comfortable.
- Hold up, this was last week?
31
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,488
Yeah, no, we're in
December, my friend.
32
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,790
It's been fuckin' freezin'.
33
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,591
- It was pretty hot!
- Let him speak.
34
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:43,334
We being real here, Tony?
35
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,671
Or you just wanna show
off your physique?
36
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,666
- It was hot, bro.
(opera music)
37
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,498
So, I was like,
whoa baby, wassup?
38
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,906
Are you here with the
modeling convention, too?
39
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:58,348
And she was all like, "Oh,
(laughing) you stupid."
40
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:02,446
(laughing) She was giving
me those complicated eyes.
41
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,517
Like she was
practically masturbating
42
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,389
right there in the liquor store.
43
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,888
(opera music)
44
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,810
- She was masturbating?
45
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Really?
- No, for real,
46
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,741
and then her boyfriend
comes up to me,
47
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:33,283
and he's like, "Is this
guy bothering you?"
48
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,781
(opera music)
49
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,922
And he's like, real
young, like young young,
50
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,292
and I thought I
thought she might
51
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:46,291
of been babysitting or
something, so I got outta there.
52
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,834
But then, whoa is me!
53
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,769
Then he comes and
sneak attacks me.
54
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,536
And I'm like, "What's
up, little man?
55
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,135
You got somethin' to say?"
56
00:03:56,136 --> 00:04:00,266
And he was like, sucker punch!
(loud punching)
57
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,648
- And how'd that make you feel?
58
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,077
- I felt nothing.
59
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,390
I don't feel feelings, bro.
- You're a liar.
60
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,945
Unless you're some
kind of lifeguard,
61
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,123
there ain't no reason for you's
to be takin' off your shirt,
62
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,992
and showing off your
big, sweaty, hard body,
63
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,760
Mr. Sexy Muscles!
- I swear, Marcie.
64
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:22,999
Seriously, it was hot,
and if you think about it,
65
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,566
I wasn't actually
bein' a douche.
66
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,065
- No, no, no.
67
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,566
There's no two, three, four
ways to slice that bread.
68
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:29,969
You, my friend, are a douche.
69
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,840
- I'm allergic to cotton.
- Really, really?
70
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,040
You're allergic to cotton?
71
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,511
He's allergic to cotton.
72
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,209
You happen to have like, an
insane amount of cotton shirts,
73
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:38,610
and yet you just
all the sudden now
74
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,052
realize you're
allergic to cotton.
75
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,117
- You're allergic to cotton,
I'm allergic to dick.
76
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,145
- Yeah, well I'm starting
to get itchy right now.
77
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,951
- Oh, Christ!
- I'm gettin' hives.
78
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,163
- No, you're not.
- It's gettin' hot in here.
79
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:50,385
I think I'm breaking out
in a rash or something.
80
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,961
I'm starting to sweat
81
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,689
with all this
interrogation techniques.
82
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,764
- The air conditioning's on!
83
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:57,673
It's freezing in here!
84
00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,325
Your nipples are hard,
his nipples are hard!
85
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,204
- It's real hot in here.
- You gonna let this go on?
86
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,512
- It's gettin' so hot!
87
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,105
I gotta do it.
- Don't do it, Tony.
88
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,206
Don't fuckin' do it,
man, it's not worth it!
89
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,238
- Gots-ta be me!
90
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,642
- Don't do this with your life!
91
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,354
- Naw, don't you do it,
don't you do it, bro!
92
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,346
- Enough!
- NOOOOO!!!
93
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,519
- Jesus Christ!
- Bra.
94
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,093
- Bruh.
- Yo!
95
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,560
- Yo.
- Yo.
96
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,427
- Yo.
- Yo!
97
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,804
- Yo.
- Yo.
98
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,203
- Yo.
- Yo!
99
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,583
- Yo?
- Yo.
100
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,551
- Yo. (crying)
- Yo.
101
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,217
- Yo. (crying)
- Yo.
102
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:53,286
- (crying) Yo!
- Yo.
103
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,394
Don't front.
104
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,301
Do you go to the gym to
prevent heart disease,
105
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:06,726
or you just wanna
look good naked?
106
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,404
- Just wanna look good naked.
107
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:11,612
- When you're making love,
to a beautiful woman,
108
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:16,075
would you rather just be
making love to yourself?
109
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,846
- Yeah, I just
wanna fuck myself.
110
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:25,985
I'm a douche.
111
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,392
- Bring your ripplin'
bod over here,
112
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,530
you hot sexy beast of a man.
113
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:37,697
(quietly crying)
- Yeah, I just...
114
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,743
I just wanna be wanted.
115
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,340
Just makes you
feel like I matter.
116
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,512
- Yo dude, you do Anthony.
117
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:57,451
- You my friend, my big,
sweaty, sexy friend,
118
00:06:57,451 --> 00:07:01,561
are a grade A, bonafied,
architypical classic douche.
119
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,663
I'm already regrettin'
sleeping with you's tonight.
120
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:08,659
(uptempo 60s music)
8857
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