Original subtitles

Wait a minute.

With all the confusion of being born and being adopted...

...no one has formally welcomed you to Earth.

So on behalf of the planet, welcome.

If this is your first time here, I can give you a few pointers.

Let's see.

Well, just remember, your body is your temple.

But it is also your dance hall and your bowling alley.

You'll find that everything tastes better chunky.

And if you ever feel...

...that the world is a horrible place...

...and you'll never have a reason to smile again...

...just hide a tiny little harmonica in your nose and get into a crowded elevator.

- Good morning, honey. - Good morning.

- Good morning, little man. - Honey, please don't call him little man.

Because it'll give him a complex about his size and lock him into a gender role.

Excuse me, but I checked his diaper. He's locked into a gender role.

Having a penis does not lock you in.

I wanna teach him that he's male and female...

...and spirit and matter, and earth and sky.

Okay, you do that. I'll teach him to shave.

- Who's that so early? - It's my folks.

- They're gonna help us out with the baby. - Oh, great.

- Hey, brother father. - Good morning.

I smell new life.

Come on in.

- Excuse me. - Excuse me. Hello.

Hello.

Who are all these people?

Oh, they're gonna help us with the baby.

Why?

Because it takes a village to raise a child, Greg.

It does?

Greg, this is Naomi.

She's our spiritual adviser and storyteller.

I'm fine, thank you.

She's taken a vow of silence.

Of course.

And over here is Kim.

Kim is from the San Francisco Lactation League.

And she's gonna supply breast milk.

- You mean you're going to-? - Oh, man.

From here.

And this is Prospero Dagbovie.

He's from Togo.

I'll teach the boy about his African heritage.

Well, we were going to do that.

- So you have a drum? - No.

Then you weren't gonna do a very good job now, were you?

I guess not.

Thanks for coming, everybody. You can throw your stuff anywhere.

- We'll figure out where you'll sleep later. - Sleep? Dharma?

These people are gonna stay with us?

Yeah, it's our family tradition.

Okay. Well, how long do they plan on being here?

- I don't know, as long as we need them. - Yeah, well, I'm good. They can go.

Wait a minute. Does this make you uncomfortable?

Yes.

- You were raised the same way. - No, I wasn't.

What about the nanny, the tutor, the maid?

That's not the same thing. They were all paid to take care of me.

Hey, good news, everybody. Greg wants to pay you.

- No. - Oh, that's great.

Listen, you two are gonna want some time alone, so why don't you pick...

...a date night, and we'll cover for you once a week.

Okay. Well, that does actually sound helpful.

See? If you give this a shot, you might like it.

Come on, everybody. Let's decide on a feeding rotation...

...so our new parents can get some sleep.

Wait a minute. Why do you get to decide the feeding rotation?

Well, somebody has to do it, Lar.

- Maybe we should vote on it. - We should draw straws.

Maybe we should vote as to whether or not we should draw straws.

God, this brings back so many memories.

You know, maybe we should hold all votes until Greg's parents join the village.

Abby, I don't know. My parents aren't really village people.

They've gotta be part of this. I should go talk to them.

Dharma, I think my mother's having a hard time with the whole adoption thing.

I think we should just give her some space.

I don't know. I think I should go talk to them.

Okay. All in favor of giving Kitty some space, say aye.

Aye.

You can go.

I'm sorry she can't see you, but she's taken to her bed.

Why? Is she sick?

No, but if anyone asks...

Oh, wait. Yes.

- It's about us adopting the baby, isn't it? - I don't care if he's black.

This is your grandpa.

He's gonna talk about you being black a lot, so just bear with him.

He processes things out loud. Would you mind?

- What-? What should I do with him? - Just talk to him.

He loves to listen to people talk.

Hi.

You know, I've never told anyone this...

...but I've always had this thing for Lena Horne.

Hey.

- Oh, no. - Incoming.

I just came by to say hey.

Hey.

- Guess who put on a bra for you? - Very nice.

It's got underwire. It hurts.

- Wonderful. - Come on, Kitty. What's wrong?

Nothing is wrong, Dharma. You win.

- What? - You win.

You are in charge of the family now.

So, what's next? We all move to the moon...

...and farm broccoli under some big glass bubble?

Fine, fine. Just tell me what to wear.

I don't understand.

Dharma, I do not have the strength...

...to try to make everything appear normal anymore.

Kitty, everything is normal.

Oh, yes. Of course it is.

My son marries a woman he's known for one day...

...moves into a building I wouldn't store my coats in.

His mother-in-law talks to plants.

His father-in-law hears them talk back.

And now, without any notice...

...without any warning, I am a grandmother.

And I am not like Edward...

...I do not care that this baby is black.

Oh, you poor thing.

Come here.

Oh, dear God, what is she going to do to me now?

Okay, that settles the feeding rotation.

Let's talk about where the baby's gonna sleep.

Well, my ancestors constructed hammocks for infants...

...from the stomach linings of elephants.

Why would I make that up?

I vote for a crib because it's a boy, and it needs to be behind bars.

That is so sexist.

I can't be sexist. I'm oppressed.

You're telling me about oppression?

What do either of you know about oppression?

After 5000 years, my people know some-

Guys! Guys!

Wait a minute. Let's- Let's-

Let's just all remember that when we try our best...

...we're never oppressed.

I have to go to work, so I guess I'll see everybody later.

Oh, Greg, here's some stuff we need for the baby.

Okay, thanks. And if you're near a florist or a wooded area, we need moss.

Moss?

And a fifth of Jack Daniel's?

Naomi, you are so close to your 90-day chip.

Great reverb in the bathroom.

- Abby, who's this? - This is Sean.

He's like our village troubadour.

Play him what you got already, Sean.

My name's Greg.

Greg, huh?

Okay, now that is gonna be tough.

Do you have a wooden leg or drink from a keg?

I gotta go.

You know, I don't understand. If she adopted the baby...

...why does she need him?

Anyway, I was turned down by Juilliard...

...because my left leg was ever so slightly shorter than my right.

When I spin, I tend to drift.

Oh, you must have been heartbroken.

Heartbroken doesn't begin to describe it.

I meandered aimlessly about Europe for a couple of years...

...just shopping, having pointless affairs with exotic foreign men.

Go, Kitty.

Then one morning, I was sitting on the beach at Cannes at the Hotel Carlton-

- Do you know it? - No.

It's wonderful.

- and I realized that my true destiny...

...was to be the matriarch of a large, powerful family.

Like the Kennedys, but not Catholic.

- So why didn't you have a lot of kids? - I couldn't have any more after Gregory.

Really? I'm sorry. Why?

It hurt too bad.

I don't care what they say.

Smart women never forget that kind of pain.

This could work out pretty good for you, Kitty.

Because I'm gonna have a buttload of kids...

...and you could matriarch them.

Really?

I don't have delusions of grandeur. That'll be what you teach them.

Of course. It would be sort of like with the horses.

You'd be the breeder, I'd be the trainer.

Something like that.

Well, exactly like that. Well, listen...

...we have a lot to do, my dear. Where is the baby?

- I left him with Edward. - Oh, are you out of your mind?

Haven't you ever felt that divot in Gregory's forehead?

Oh, for God's sakes.

- Hey. - What's up?

Nothing.

What are you doing here?

Waiting.

- Waiting for what? - Mr. Montgomery, your village is here.

I rode up with them in the elevator.

Marlene, Mr. Montgomery will see his village now.

- Come on, right in here. - Greg.

You remember everybody. It's Kim and Naomi and Prospero.

- Hi, Pete. - Hi.

- Sean. - Hi.

- What's going on? Why is everybody here? - A lot of important stuff came up.

What are you doing here?

I joined your village.

Your village is growing.

Yeah, and there's an opening for an idiot.

Now, Greg, everyone feels that you and Dharma...

...need to move to a bigger apartment.

Yeah, we all feel that, Greg.

Shut up, Pete. Why?

Well, because you could use the room.

And because Naomi sensed...

...some unsettled spirits tethered around the place.

Unsettled spirits?

" Or it could just be drafty. "

You know, I'm gonna go check the lobby...

...because you seem to be short a cowboy and a construction worker.

Listen, everybody, can we not do this now?

- Anyone second his motion to postpone? - I second.

- All in favor? - Aye.

I'm sorry, Greg. The motion doesn't carry.

Okay. So where were we?

- What about the refrigerator? - The apartment...

No, no, no. You don't understand.

My grandchild is going to have his first exam...

...from the head of Pediatric Medicine.

What do you mean impossible?

Would you grant me a favor? Would you lean out the window...

...and look at the name on the side of the building that you're sitting?

Yes, that Montgomery.

Two o'clock would be fine. Thank you.

All right.

Look.

- Yes? - Kitty, it's very sweet of you...

...to bully people for us...

...but we have a doctor.

But wouldn't you be more comfortable...

...with someone who's treated the children of four presidents?

- Well, our guy treated the Zappa kids. - What are Zappa kids?

You know, Dweezil, Moon Unit...

Kitty, he doesn't need to go to a hospital.

Excuse me, Dharma, darling, but you asked me to get involved here.

Now, do you want my help or don't you?

- Yeah, but I just- - Splendid.

Then we're going to call the decorator...

...because we really must get the nursery for...

For heaven's sakes, we must name this child.

I just thought we'd get to know him for a while...

...and then let his spirit guide us to his true name.

Well, let me give you a little hint.

If we name him after Edward's favorite Uncle Fergus...

...he might just inherit a tobacco company.

Sebastian. Darling, it's Kitty. Oh, I have wonderful news. Yes.

I am so sorry.

All right. No, I got it.

The motion, as modified, reads:

"The new refrigerator will be side-by-side, no icemaker, but icemaker-ready. "

I'll say it till the day I die.

You can't put a deli platter in a side-by-side refrigerator.

- But, Larry, the vote was four to three. - Yeah, but your vote shouldn't count.

- You're Canadian. - What?

That is so racist.

- How is that racist? - Hello, she's from Canada.

- Do you not see the injustice? - What do you know about injustice?

- Hello. Can I say something here? - You want injustice?

- You try getting a record contract. - That's not injustice, you suck.

All right, just knock it off!

Thank you.

Okay, now, Abby...

...I know you're doing this out of love.

And the rest of you taking time out of your lives...

...I just can't thank you enough.

But I've got to tell you, I'm having a really hard time...

...with the whole village thing.

That is so honest and open and straight from the heart.

And I think we all know what he's saying, don't we?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

All in favor of Greg's motion to disband, say aye.

All right, so we're back to the...

Does little Fergus like his new clothes?

Kitty, his name isn't Fergus...

...and please don't talk baby talk to him.

Fergus' mommy is all tired and fussy.

Can we just go home?

Dharma, he has an interview with the admissions officer...

- ... at St. Aubin's Preschool. - Kitty, he's a baby.

Oh, frankly, he's late.

Gregory was admitted off his sonogram.

Fergus? Fergus? Where do I know that name from?

- He's your uncle, Edward. - I don't have an Uncle Edward.

I can't believe I let you drive a car.

I'll just call Greg and tell him we'll be a little late.

- Hi, honey. Greg, help me. - Dharma, what's wrong?

Your mother got the baby a smoking jacket...

...and she keeps calling him Fergus.

Honey, when are you coming home? I've got some real problems here.

Are you listening to me? Fergus.

Are you talking to my Uncle Fergus? T ell him I said hello.

Dharma, I gotta go. Your mother's about to declare martial law.

No, no, no. Greg, don't hang up.

Darn.

Well, St. Aubin's. Edward, crack a window.

Dharma's going to wait in the car.

- Hold his head, for God- - I am supporting his head-

I wanted to call you, but three other people were in line to get this.

Your mother put it up for a vote.

I tried to filibuster till you got here...

...but I burned bridges on the refrigerator issue...

...and they invoked cloture on me.

- I love it. - I know. So do I...

...which is really freaking me out.

Edward, we decided the baby isn't gonna play with corporate logos.

This isn't a corporate logo, it's Mickey Mouse.

I like Mickey Mouse.

You know, if you wanna vote on it, the toy committee meets tomorrow at 11.

Actually it's been pushed back till 2...

...to accommodate an African naming ceremony for the baby and Kim's haircut.

Who are these people?

This is the village that I wanted you to join.

Hey, toilet isn't gonna clean itself.

Gregory, why do you let these lunatics control your life?

That's your mother's job.

- What did she call us? - Lunatics.

Damn.

Dharma, kitchen.

Hey.

Who are you calling a lunatic, you catalog hag?

Don't you sass me, young man.

Dharma, I have tried to like the village. I really have, but I hate it.

- They're taking over. - Well, your mother named our son Fergus.

- The village threw away our meat. - Fergus.

Like fungus with an "erg. "

Naomi refuses to close the bathroom door.

F- E-R-gus!

Okay. I'll do something about my mother if you can do something about them.

What am I supposed to do? I can't just kick them out.

Okay, I don't wanna sound judgmental, but Kitty's being a 14-karat bitch.

And if you don't get out here and do something, everybody's gonna leave.

So it's a pretty cool place, huh?

Listen, I know it's been a crazy day around here, but it's not always like this.

Well, it is.

But don't worry, you get used to it.

Which is exactly when it changes into something completely different.

- You okay out here? - Yeah, we're fine.

- You want me to feed him? - No.

You've been up all night. I can do this.

- This is much better, isn't it? - Much better.

- I've been thinking about names. - Yeah?

- Fergus has kind of grown on me. - Oh, come on.

No, I mean it. I mean, I hated it at first.

But that's just because your mother brought it up. Which is totally unfair.

I mean, Fergus is a strong name.

Fergus Montgomery.

Fergus the Brave.

Halt, who goes there? It is I, Fergus the Brave.

And I have dirtied my diapers.

I really am okay here if you wanna get some sleep.

I'm okay.

Subtitles by SDl Media Group