All language subtitles for Cheaper.by.the.Dozen.2003.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[ Rock music playing ]

* These are the days

* Oh-oh

* These are the days

* You'll remember

Good morning, Tom.
* Never before

* And never since

* I promise

* Will the whole world
be warm as this *

WOMAN NARRATING: Twelve is our
number.
** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

It's the number of games
my husband Tom coaches
at Lincoln College every
season.

It's the number of times
we zero out our bank account
each year to make ends meet.

And it's the number of kids
we try to keep track of.

[ sighs ]
Hey. Good run?

Oh, yeah.
[ Groans ]

You need a paramedic?

No, just a pair of knees.
You finish?

Still proofing,
but I'm sending it
to Diane today.

Look at this.
New, clean cover,

no peanut butter stains...
yet.

Hey, baby?
Baby?

You know, on the run,
you know what I was thinking?

What?

Well, we've been married,
what, five years?

Twenty-three.
[ groans ]
Twenty-three. Sorry.

And I think we could use
a little change around here,

like-like this
lumpy old mattress.

Maybe we should just,
you know, get rid of it.
[ Giggling ]

Don't be ridiculous, honey.
You know you can just pound
the lumps out of a mattress.

What-What do you mean?
You can just pound the lumps
out of a mattress?

Yeah, just randomly
start swatting away.

And it goes flat?
Yes, yes.

Just start--
You just randomly
start swatting--

* These are the days

* You might fill with laughter
[ shouting, laughing ]

Careful.
* Until you break

* These are the days *

I got a dog on me!
WOMAN NARRATING: Twelve's
an insane number of kids,

but having a small family
was never an option for us.

See, Tom loved growing up
with seven brothers and
sisters.

And after my sister died,
I spent most of my time...

wishing I had
seven brothers and sisters.

Tom and I met at
Illinois Polytechnic
University.

He was a senior
dreaming of becoming

the head football coach there.

I was a freshman dreaming
of becoming a sports reporter.

He wanted eight kids,
I wanted eight kids. Bam.

An hour after I met him,
I knew he was the one.

We just had family
at the wedding.

Oh, and Shake Maguire,
Tom's best man.

What a hot dog.

A year later,
we had our first-- Nora.

I loved taking her
to work with me.

After Charlie and Lorraine
were born, we realized our
dream
of living in the city...

and having eight kids and
two careers wasn't gonna work.
[ baby crying ]

As much as we wanted
our big careers,
we wanted our big family more.

So Tom settled for
a Division III coaching job
at Lincoln,

I quit writing for the Tribune,
and we moved to the country.

* Ninety-nine bottles of beer

Tom and I got busy
when we moved to Midland.

We had Henry, Sarah,
Jake and Mark
in consecutive years.

Then we went
for magic number eight,
and instead...

we got the first set
of fraternal twins--
Jessica and Kim.

Nine kids.
Come on, you guys.
Come on.

Wave! Hi!

[ cheering ]

With each child,
Tom and I got further
from our big career dreams.

But we didn't think about that.

[ whistle blowing ]
[ yelling ]
Yeah!

Oh. Sorry, Coach.

We had our hands full with nin.
We were happy,
and we were done.

Then we went to a party
celebrating Shake Maguire's
appointment...

to athletic director
at our alma mater.

And, well, too many beers
and nine months later,
we had Mike.

After that,
Tom got a vasectomy.

But he didn't hear the doctor
say that it would be

a few weeks... before the
procedure became effective.

In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us
to that crazy number 12.

But by then, Tom and I
were experts at managing chaos.

[ Karate Yells ]
Let's move, gang.
Come on, come on, come on!

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!
Charlie missed his curfew again
last night. Take care of that.

Hey.

You can only put on
so much lip gloss, princess!

[ sighs ]
You blew my concentration!
TOM: Temper, Sarah.

Now I get to start
all over again.

Wrap it up, Lorraine!
LORRAINE:
Okay, Daddy!

[ yelling, grunting ]
Have you seen my frog, Dad?

Sorry, Charlie.
Uh, Nigel. Kyle.

It's Mark.
I knew that.

Hey, teenager.
You got caught on
Mom radar last night.

You're not gonna get
that scholarship

if you're
out late with Beth...
the night before a big game.

Well, I'm not so sure
I even want to go to college.

Since when?

Since Beth's mom offered me
a job at the auto shop.

Hmm. Sounds exciting.

Well, we'll talk about that
after you get your full ride.

And, meanwhile, in by 10:00
on school nights. Clear?

Got it.
Anything else
you wanna talk about?

Did I mention
I don't like you very much?

Yeah, you mentioned that.
Then I'm good.

Okay, me too.
[ chuckles ]

Dude, two words:
need new skates.

Dude, three words:
paper route.

"Hi. Can't make dinner.
Hank and I are moving
into our new apartment.

Love, Nora."

Have you seen Beans, Mom?
Mm-mm.

NIGEL:
Here you go, Gunner.
KYLE: You hungry, boy?

** [ Woman Singing, Indistinct]

* I think it's so wonderful

* That people are bound
to get together *

* I think it's wonderful
that people are bound
to get together *

* I think it's so good to know
that people are bound
to get together *

* I think it's wonderful
that people are bound
to get together *

** [ continues, indistinct ]

Here you go, Gunner.
Are you hungry?

Look, I am totally aware that
this family doesn't value...

self-presentation
in the same obsessive way
that I do.

Fine. Whatever.
But one of my life goals,

aside from being, like,
a fashion guru,

is to indicate to
the local community that...

the Baker family
actually owns a bar of soap.

So, as self-appointed in-house
rep of style and hygiene,

I think I should be allotted
at least five extra minutes
in front of the mirror.

Three.
Done.

Now help your sister
butter the toast.

Sarah, your suspension from
lacrosse for excessive force
has been lifted.

So you're going today.
Henry, you have band practice,
all right?

I cleaned your clarinet.
Please don't play
with food in your mouth again.

Kim and Jessica,
your teacher called
and has made a request...

that you do not correct her
in front of the class.

Mike, you have
show-and-tell today.
And, please, honey,

remember that body parts
do not count.

Kyle and Nigel, you have
a dentist's appointment at 3:00.
You're goin' to work with Dad.

[ Together ]
Yeah!

[ Both Yelling ]
[ Yelling ]

And we're shooting
our Christmas card today.
[ sighs ]

What time's Nora coming over?
Uh, she may not make it.

She hardly ever comes home
since she started dating
that doorknob.

He's not a doorknob.
The man irons
his jeans, Mom.

Yeah, that's weird.
TOM: Never mind.

I'll shoot it without her.
I'll Photoshop her in.

Honey, could you take
10 pounds off me
with that Photoshop thing?

Can I be Photoshopped in?
Wait. If Sarah's bein'
Photoshopped in,

then I'm definitely
gonna get Photoshopped in.
Why don't we all be--

Nobody gets Photoshopped
in but Nora.
Everybody be here by 4:00.

Why do we always
do our Christmas cards
in May anyway?

Because the earlier
we get it done, the bigger
discount we get at the printer.

Now, let's eat!
[ All Chattering ]

Here you go.
Look alive.

[ chattering continues ]

[ croaks ]

No, Mark!

[ girls screaming ]

Get him!

[ all ghouting ]

TOM: Come on! Get him, Charlie!
He's headed for the waffles!

I got him, Charlie!
I got him!
Come to Daddy! Come on!

Mike, stick!

Mark, net!
I got the door covered!

I got the net!
[ yells ]

Whoa!
Ooh!

[ croaking ]

[ yelling ]

[ cheering, shouting ]

[ Gunner barking ]

MIKE:
Uh-oh. Busted.

Put Beans in his cage...

now.

[ all gasping ]

Is everything broken?

Teacup with
the flower on it broken?

Nice move, FedEx.

KATE:
Okay, here we go, everyone.
School. Let's go.

Hey.

Much cooler.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Henry, here you go.
Thanks, Mom.

For the record,
I am so over Nora's
hand-me-downs.

All right, well,
you look gorgeous
in anything, Lorraine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's goin' on?
What's wrong with you, mister?

Everybody says
the FedEx guy dropped me off...

'cause I don't fit in
with this family.

You fit.
You fit right here.

Like that.
KYLE: I called shotgun!

No, I did!
I did!

I did!
KATE:
All right, that's it!

Hey, you two,
knock it off!

Mom's losing it!
I'm losing it!

All right. All right. Come on.
Break it up. Break it up.

Here we go. Are you okay?
I'll give you candy.

Nigel, Kyle,
chill or be chilled.
Sure. Listen to him.

Mark? Oh.

[ sighs ]

So Nora's not coming?
[ Groans ]
Well, not exactly. Here.

That is so Nora.
We tell 'em
they can't sleep together...

when they visit,
so she moves in with him.

Honey, she's just trying
to have her own life.

She's too young
to have her own life.
She's 22.

The same age I was
when I was pregnant with her.

Five minutes ago, she was
sitting on my shoulders...

pointing at cows
in Munger's Field.

And then you blinked.
Yeah.

Enough with the blinking.
No more blinking.
All right.

You were checking me out,
weren't you?

Yes, I was.
You got a problem with that?

Twelve kids later,
and we still got the heat.

Whoo!

** [ woman vocalizing ]

* Hey yo, me and my crew
headed to the spot *

* ... in the parking lot

* Hey yo, I'm jacked up,
it's in my hand *

[ whistle blowing ]

*

[ Nigel, Kyle Together ]
Come on! Hit it!

Faster,
faster, faster!

Is that as fast
as you can go?
Is that all you got?

Keep it up!
Pump 'em high!
Let's go!

Pump it up!
That's good!
That's good!

[ Rap music continues ]

That's what I'm talkin' about.
Way to go, Marcus.

KYLE: Way to go, boys!
NIGEL: Nice passes.

Right here.
Nice job!

Man, you're gettin'
old and ugly.

Shake.

Hey.

Hey, what are you
doin' here?

What, are you still too busy
bein' the pansy house-husband
to read the newspapers?

That coach was 5-3.

That's doesn't cut it.
I'm trying to grow a program.

Hey, guys. Remember Shake?
We played college ball together.

Yeah, the hot dog.

Mom said it first.

We're having
adult time here, boys.

No idea what that means.

Well, it's this crazy thing
where grown-ups...

actually get to have
a conversation without
being interrupted by kids.

Sounds wicked boring.
[ Shake ]
It is.

So why don't you run along?

Mom's right.
He is a wiener.

Sorry about that.
Kate likes you.
It's just that, you know,

she had to have the biggest
stud on the team.

So she, uh, chose
the third-string receiver...

and got all this.

Yeah.

So, are you gonna
tell me why you're here?

Lincoln's a winning machine.

You think you can make
our old team a champion again?

You mean coach?
Coach.

[ door closes ]
Tom, what is it?
Just tell me.

Just--
Okay. Wait.

[ washer, dryer rumbling ]

Dad's covering
with the machines.

To the chute!
Go, go, go!

My, this is big.

Shake Maguire wants me
to coach the Stallions.

Get out!
He offered me...
a fat five-year contract,

housing allowance,
moving expenses.

Kate, we can finally
get new furniture.
We can get a new car.

And get this.
University employees can send
their kids to school for free.

Wow.

Oh. I don't know, honey.
A Division I coaching job,

that's a lot of pressure
and a lot more hours.

Yeah, but with all the kids
in school next year, we could
handle more job pressure.

Yeah, but, honey,
Midland is our home. I mean,
the kids' lives are here.

Midland has been great
for raising our kids,

but I never expected 'em
to sacrifice the way that I did.

You loved your childhood.

Yeah.

Except for this part--
the raggedy, hand-me-down part.

The Stallions head coach.

It's your dream job,
isn't it, honey?

I want this one, Kate.

Let's talk to the kids.

How do you think
they'll handle it?

[ all grunting ]
We're gonna move!

[ yelling ]

Okay, everybody,
you know the drill.

On "three,"
you give me a big "cheese."

[ horse whinnies ]

Jake, do you have
to wear black?

Black works, Mom. Jesus, like,
has his funeral on Christmas.

He died on Easter, Barbie.
Whatever.

He was resurrected
on Easter, moron.

Be quiet.
Don't touch me!

[ all arguing ]
Hey, hey, hey!
What's all the fighting about?

Exactly when did you
plan on telling us
about moving?

I'm not moving!
Yeah, because
I'm not moving, all right?

[ voices overlapping ]
[ Gunner barking ]

I'm not moving.
Charlie, Evanston is only
four hours away.

Beth can come and visit.
This isn't
just about Beth, Mom.

My whole life
is here at Midland.
[ telephone ringing ]

Hello?
Hi, Mom.

Hi, Nora.
You're on speaker.
Hi, everybody.

Hank says hi too.

So, you guys are thinking
about moving up here?

Yeah. You got room
in that new apartment
for your big old family?

Just big enough for two, Dad.
How's your book going, Mom?

Actually, I just sent it
to a friend who's in publishing,
so we'll see.

Could we stay
on subject, please?
Beans's mother's buried here.

I'm not splitting them up.
They're family.

We can build
a fancy new memorial
to Pork in our new yard.

Yeah, like
we could afford that.
Actually, we can.

I'll be making enough money
to do that,
get you out of hand-me-downs,

get Jake those new skates,

and get that new car
we've been saving for.

But I have friends here!

Honey, you'll keep in touch.
And you can make new friends.

[ voices overlapping ]

Quiet!

Now, look,
I know you're all scared.

Moving is a big deal.
We're very comfortable here.
I get that.

And that's why I turned down
a lot of other coaching offers
through the years.

But this is a job
I wanted since we left Chicago.

And, in fact,
it's more than a job to me.

Um, this is my team...

and it's my colors
and it's, um,

the Stallions.

And they're finally
calling my number.

And I want you
to take this risk with me,
because if you do...

I promise you,
we will be...

a happier and stronger family.

You promise?
I promise.

I would feel happier and
stronger if we vote on it.
Yeah, definitely.

[ voices overlapping ]
CHARLIE: We should vote.

That's the only way
to make it fair.
It's the only way to do it.

All right, we can vote.

But in the end, your mother
and I are gonna do what we think
is best for the family.

What's the point
of even voting?
I'm out.

Let's get out of here.
It's not even worth it.
Come on, guys.

[ Nora On Speakerphone ]
Hello? Still here.

All right, eight noes,

three yes's
and three maybes.

Not exactly a mandate.

Give me a pen.
I'm gonna change some of these.

Here we go.

What?
"What"?

Let's review, shall we?

Here we go.

"I'm so glad I found
someone whose dreams
are as big as mine.

I love you. Kate."

I always loved the way
you go for things, Tom.

Pedal to the metal, full-on,
all of it or none of it.

So we're doing this.

We're gonna do this.

We're doing it.

Yeah. And by the time we move,
the kids'll get used
to the idea.

** [ "Taps" ]

Say good-bye
to your mother, Beans.

TOM: Gunner, to the car!

[ growling ]
Come on!

I'm you.
Gunner, to the car!

I'm Gunner.
Gunner, to the car!
[ whimpers ]

Hey, Charlie. Do me a favor
and drive the Cutlass?

Thanks for ruining my life.

NIGEL:
I don't wanna move!

You know what?
Everybody's going with us.
[ both yelling ]

We're taking all your toys.
Okay.

Well, whoever said expressing
emotion is a good thing,
I'd like to see.

* Life is a highway

* I wanna ride it
all night long *

* If you're goin' my way

* I wanna drive it
all night long **

TOM: Hey,
this is our street.

** [ Rap On Car Stereo ]

Are you sure we're gonna
fit in here, Dad?

You'll have friends here
in no time, guys.

TOM: Here we are. We are here.
Everybody out.

I want everybody out.

[ barking ]
Hey, slow down there,
Gunner!

Wait up!
Hey, Kyle,
check this place out!

Cool!
[ chattering continues ]

TOM: There it is--
a 1920s classic.

SARAH:
What, did the Munsters
give you a good price?

All right, the twins share,
but everybody else
gets their own room.

Now, go kill each other
for the best one!
That's great.

Hey, Charlie.

You're gonna need a car
to visit Beth.
The Olds is yours now.

You trying to bribe me?

Is it working?

Little bit.

Come on.

Welcome home, Kate.

It's gonna be great, Tom.
Mmm.

Jessica, come here!
Check this out!

JAKE:
This room is huge!
Can I see this one?

Whoa-ho!
Back it up, FedEx.

If anyone gets the room
across from me, it's Charlie.

And are you Charlie? No.
KIM:
Dude, I call this room.

Nobody else gets it, okay?
JESSICA:
Look at the view from here!

It's spectacular!
MIKE: Can I share with you?

Oh, God.
They're fast-food people.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
MAN: Hello?

People are here!

Hi.
Hi. I'm Tina Shenk.

This is my husband Bill
and our son Dylan.

How do you do?
We, uh,
live across the street.

Thank you. This is lovely.
I'm Kate. This is Tom.
Hi.

We're the Bakers.
Oh!

Gunner! Gunner!
I am so sorry.

Sorry.
Are you hiding a cheeseburger
anywhere on your person?

I-I don't eat meat.
[ Gunner growling ]

Jake?
Dude! Two words: manners.

What's up?
Wanna help me unpack?
Sure.

Put your sweater on,
sweetie.
He's inside, dear.

Don't start, okay?

[ sighs ]

So, uh, is Jake
your only child?

No. We have 12.

I couldn't
keep her off me.

Heads up!
Oh!

Little less wrist, Mike.
Got it.

Game on!
Uh, they're playing
hockey in the house?

Well, if the game gets bigger
than three-on-three,

then they have to
take it outside.

Uh, Dylan doesn't really
care for rough play.

Uh, you're gonna wanna
stop now, dude.

[ yells ]
[ Tina screaming ]
Oh, my God!

Hang on, buddy!
A little help here!

I got him! I got him!
Save my baby!

Don't worry, Dylan.
I swing from the chandelier
all the time.

Cool!
All right.

Aah! I got him! I--
Oh! I don't got him!

Oh, my God!
[ yelling ]

So, Dylan,
know any good restaurants?

KATE:
I've got you, Dylan!
Don't worry, honey!

JAKE: Whoa!
You can let go, Dylan.
I think she's got you.

Spin him this way
so I can--
TINA: Oh, my God!

Oh, sweetie,
are you all right?
I'm fine, Mom.

Oh, dear.
You know, for the entire
minute and a half we livedhr

I really hated
that chandelier.

[ chuckles ]
Here we go.

Okay. We, uh-- We better go.
It's time for your
chess lesson.

I don't have
a chess lesson, Mom.

Well, then, you need to practice
for your chess lesson.

Come over anytime, dude.

Uh, we'll, uh, we'll call,
schedule a play date.

No need.
Just come by anytime.

Oh, no, we'll call.

You're all invited
to my birthday.
Oh-ho. That'll be fun.

Hey, Charlie, come on down
and help me with this, okay?

KATE:
Careful, honey.
There's glass everywhere.

[ cell phone ringing ]

I got it, Mom.
Okay, well,
I'll help you.

Hey, Shake, what's up?
You okay?

Really?

Okay, well,
I'll see you there.

Hey! Hey, guess what?
Fox Sports wants to
interview me on TV!

Okay, well, we got this.
Dad's gotta earn a living!

Twelve kids.
That's the throwback.

Irresponsible is what it is.

How come we didn't
have more kids?

Because we wanted
one perfect child,

and that's what we got.

[ croaking ]

[ yelling ]

Cool.

TOM: Honey, I'm gonna
be home late tonight.
I got another press conference.

Come on.
Whatever happened
to that stud...

who sat across from me
at dinner every night?

He got his dream job,
remember?

[ door closes ]

[ yelling ]

Good-bye, Dad.
See ya, buddy.

Tell the masseuse I'm running
about 15 minutes late.

Day 14 on the alien planet.
HENRY:
Where you goin'?

To sign up for football.
And, no, you can't come.

SARAH:
Could this place be
any more boring?

There's, like,
nothing to do around here.
I could give you a makeover.

All righty, then.

[ chattering ]

Hi.
I'm Charlie Baker.

Oh, yeah, Tom Baker's boy.

Read where his old buddy Shake
threw him a bone.

MAN:
Offense or defense?

I'm a quarterback.

Yeah, well,
maybe in Cowpie, Illinois.

This is 4-A, Skippy.
The bigs.

Put him on defense.
Cornerback.

By the way,
when you show up for practice,
don't be wearing that hat.

Okay, uh, let's see.
Who's next? Yes?

It's been reported that
you like to blast music
in your locker room. Why?

Uh, well,
it loosens up the players...

and, uh,
gets 'em psyched.

Unless, of course,
I start dancing.
Then they just get nauseous.

[ reporters chuckling ]

At least we get
to see him on TV.

REPORTER:
Coach, how do you manage
a family of 12...

and a football team?

Well, I've got
a great team here...

and a solid support system
at home.

Go to bed, kids.
Okay, you heard the coach.

Off to bed. Here we go.
[ Gunner groaning ]

In Midland, we were a family.
Now we're a support system?

A family is
a support system, Butch.
[ groans ]

[ ringing ]

Hello? Who's this?

Somebody from
something something.
Okay. Shh.

Hello?
Yeah, hi, Diane.

This is business.
Salmons and pinks
are so homemaker.

All right, focus on
your navies and your grays.

Navy is muscle,
gray is smarts.

Choose either,
and you'll rule the boardroom.

What's going on?
Guess what?

Diane Phillips called.
My book's getting published.

Did I tell you
we're gonna have it all?

You've never said that.
I'm tellin' you now, baby!
Whoo!

Oh-oh.
Oh!

Oh! Whoa!
Mmm!

Ooh!

Oh, my God!
Can you guys just please
wait till I leave the room?

Can you hurry?

[ shudders ]

All right, there's one thing.
What?

They asked me to go
to New York for a few days.

Oh.
"Oh"?

That was a good "oh,"
as in "okay."

Yes, it's not
the best timing in the world.

But you're going to New York.
I can handle this.
You'll manage.

Yeah.

Well, you haven't been
home much, Tom,
since we moved here.

And you're gonna have to,
you know,
shop for school supplies,

get 'em dressed and-and
bathed so they're clean,

and put 'em to bed at night,
walk Gunner--
Been there. Done all that.

You're considering this?
I'm not considering it.

You're going.
Nora can help me out
around the house.

New York. Wow.

Yeah. Wow.

* Every once in a while

* I carve a pumpkin

* With a knife made
of lollipop sticks *

It totally sucks.
I miss you too,

but, I mean,
I gotta get a job.

Hi, Lorraine.

Okay, I'll try
and be there, honey.

Hi, Kimmy.
Yeah, I-I know I haven't
been very friendly recently.

They are pulling me
in again!

Just tell 'em you can't do it.
Can you guys
hold on a second?

That's easy for you to say.
You're an only child.

It might be fun
to babysit together.

No! Whoa, no!

No. You know what happened
last time we visited.

They were welcoming you
into the family.
They set me on fire!

Just your pants.

Honey, I am an actor, okay?
And, sure, last time
it was just my pants.

But what if next time
it's my face?

This is the moneymaker.
I'm not that good of an actor.

This is how I get the jobs.
I know that.

I'm man enough to admit it.

Please?

Don't look at me like that.
Don't look at me like that!
Please, please, please, please?

You always do that to me.
Fine, fine. You know what?
We'll go.

But I'll tell you what.
One thing happens, and I'm gone.

And no fires.
And we sleep in the same room.

Kimmy, put Dad on.

She says she'll help us out if
they can stay in the same room.

No. No way.

No, she knows the rules.
She wants to have
her own room when she's here.

Isn't that sweet?
No.

Okay, look, why don't
you just come over on Sunday,
and we'll talk logistics.

All right. Bye.
Tell me Doorknob Man
isn't babysitting too.

Yes, he very well
might be, young lady.

And do not set
his pants on fire again.

KATE: Yes.
Classic.

It was just his pants.

Is anybody besides me
thinking our happier
and stronger life...

was actually code
for "nastier and suckier"?

First,
Dad forces us to move.

Then Mom decides
to become a career person
and, like, travel the globe.

Now we have to take orders
from Hank, the model/actor?

And he hates kids too.
Ow!

Nora's blind to his evil.
We have no choice
but to intervene.

We've got 48 hours.
Let's work a plan.

[ all whispering ]

All right, Appleschmear season
is officially open!

[ all cheering ]

The president
of the United States,
Sarah Baker,

will throw out
the first apple.

[ yells ]
[ barking ]

Come on.
Bring on the chin music, baby.
Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Oh, yes!

Ho, it's an apple!
And now it's sauce.

And that's a beauty!
Mmm! Mmm!

Whoa!
[ cheering continues ]

Appleschmear. It's the game
my Great-Grandma Gilbreth
invented.

[ bat striking apple ]
Neat.

Time out.
Nora's here.

[ all cheering ]

Nora! Nora!

No! No, no, no, no!

Kids, please do not touch
the LeBaron.
Just had it detailed.

Hey, whoa, Tom.
Tom, can we please, uh,

ask the kids
to respect the perimeter
around the LeBaron?

Hey, hey,
respect the perimeter, kids.
Come on. Respect--

Back up. Back up.
Nora. Nora, welcome.

Come on.
It's a luxury automobile, kids.

Not your daddy's Oldsmobile.
This is for you.
Congratulations.

Come on.
I wanna hear all about it.

It's very fancy.
Now, about the babysitting.

Battle stations.

Heads up, Hank!

Yo, Hank!

[ yells ]

[ Kyle giggles ]

Phase one complete.

Sorry about your clothes, Hank.
We'll have 'em dry in no time.

[ mocking Jessica ]
"Sorry about your clothes, Hank.
We'll have 'em dry in no time."

What is with the staring?
Just stop looking at me.

Chopsticks.

Open meat bucket.

Oh!

Begin underwear soaking.

So, um, how's the acting
career going, Hank?

If it was goin' any better,
there'd have to be two of me.

Yeah, we saw you
in the commercial with the
gargling-- the mouthwash ad.

You know,
the remarkable thing
about my career is...

I only started acting, uh,
a month ago,

and, uh,
I'm already on TV.

It's the real deal.
The career is white hot, Tom.
It's on fire.

I read that most actors
end up in
the food service industry.

That's not gonna happen
to Hank, Kim.

HANK:
Candidly, I, uh, think
Nora's right.

It's really-- It's gettin'
so as I can hardly go out
in public anymore.

I mean, really, with--
between the autograph hounds
and the paparazzis--

Autographs and everything?
I mean, just the one commercial,

and you have paparazzi?

Yeah. I've-I've actually--
I've never actually seen them,

but, you know,
they hide in the bush
and they get their shot.

The crazy thing is that
now we're trying to sit at home
like regular joes--

Yeah, well, honey, it's--
And we're watching TV, right?

And, boom,
comes on a commercial,
and, bam, there's me.

It's, like,
you expect to see yourself
in the mirror,

you know,
and you expect to be lookin'
at the handsome devil,

but not on--
not on the TV like it is.

It's, like, bam! Bam!
You turn the channel.
You're tryin' to,

you know, get it out,
and it's--
it just keeps poppin' up.

It's like I can run from me,
but I can't hide from me.

What a nightmare!

Yeah.

Nora, honey, you wanna
help me in the kitchen?

Nora, stop!
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Wanna help me in the kitchen?
Get a pie, look at a picture
of Grandma, say the rosary?

Come on, kids. Here we go.
Everybody out.
I'll be back.

Tommy.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

[ whines ]
Gunner!

[ barking ]

Save it, boy.
[ whining ]

Hey!
Hey.

There you go.
You look as good as new.

Yeah. Not as good
as you, chief.
Yeah, anywhere.

[ whining ]

How sweet.
You know what you want?

Kate, is this--
is this orange juice
freshly squeezed?

Nora and I are on
a bit of an organic diet,

and we're only goin' with
the organic freshly squeezed,

and it tastes a bit
like Tropicana.

[ chuckles ]
He's a winner.

[ all straining ]
Gunner, no!

Release the hound.
All right, charge!

You guys poppin' out
another one any time soon?

Just... curiosity.

[ Gunner grunting ]

[ groans ]

[ grunting,groaning ]
Gunner!

Gunner!
Gunner!

It's Gunner.

Honey, he's--
he's really digging in.

Sorry, babe.
Gunner, stop!
Sit-Sit down!

HANK:
He's attacking!
Stop it, Gunner.

[ growling ]
[ yells ]

Oh, my.
Well, he's hungry.
Stop it, Gunner!

[ yelling ]

Gunner!
[ screaming ]

Get him off!
Get him off!

[ all laughing ]

[ laughing stops ]

[ barking ]

[ barking ]

[ yells ]

Nora! Nora, we didn't
want you to go.

Look, let's just get
something clear.

Even though you guys
live near me now,
I have my own life.

It's mine.
Not ours-- mine.

Nora! Would you please
get in the LeBaron?

I beg of you!
My loyalty is to Hank now,

and that's the way
it's gonna be.

In the living room,
now!

Let's go!

[ barking ]

Your neighborhood canines
have completely ruined
the LeBaron's paint job.

I'm sure my family
will pay to repaint it.

Good, 'cause I'm sure
payin' for your family.

What's that supposed to mean?
I think you know
what it means.

You soaked his underwear
in meat.

That is so wrong.

Funny, but wrong.

Now, who was
the mastermind...

in the meat-soaking plot
against Hank?

You were the masterminds?

Step back, please.

[ making beeping noises ]

[ beeping intensifies ]

[ beeping slows ]

[ beeping intensifies ]

You have a dark gift,
Sarah Baker.

But it's going to cost
everyone a month's allowance.

No! [ all protesting ]
Do you wanna make it two?

Now, when your mother
leaves tomorrow,

I'm gonna need everyone
to pull their own weight.

Now, go upstairs
and go to your rooms!

Soaking his underwear in meat?

I mean,
how do they come up with that?

If I could just harness
that ingenuity and channel it
into something constructive.

Yeah, like getting somebody
to help you out
while I'm gone.

I can handle it,
even without the better half
of the tag team.

I know, honey.
I'm just worried.
I've never left the kids--

Honey, it's three days!
I know.

I'm just--
I'm gonna miss 'em.

Okay, I froze some dinners.
And make sure they get
to school on time.

It's their first day,
so you know how nervous
they're gonna be, all right?

And, kids, don't worry.
Mom can be back from New York in
two hours if something happens.

Really, it's only one hour
with the time difference.

All right, I hugged everybody.
I love you all. One more hug,
and you guys pass it on.

All right? All right,
thank you, sweetheart.

I love you.
I love you too.

Okay. All right.
Do I have everything?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right.

Bye, Mom.
Bye.

I love you.
Yeah, yeah.

Have a safe flight.

Got the whole neighborhood
out to say good-bye, huh?

KIM: Bye, Mom!

Little vampires,
my plan worked.

She's gone.
Now I can raise you children
the way I want to!

[ sinister laughter ]

Come on. It's gonna be fun.
I mean, your dream
has come true.

Mom's gone.
Weak old Dad is here.

You can get away with murder.
You can do anything you want.

Dylan's birthday party
is coming up.

You can get all hopped up
on ice cream and sugar and cake

and go crazy.

* I'm just a kid *

TOM: You kids are gonna
do great today, I promise.

* I'm just a kid
and life is a nightmare *

* I'm just a kid
I know that's not fair *

* Nobody cares
'cause I'm alone *

* And the world
is having more fun *

* Than me

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]
What is that?

Moo!

[ laughter ]

I guess he's the funniest
guy in the herd.

[ alarm blaring ]

* Here it goes
I'm just a kid *
[ all laughing ]

* Life is a nightmare

* I'm just a kid
I know that it's not fair *

[ music continues, indistinct ]

Walk much?

[ laughing ]

* Nobody cares 'cause
I'm alone and the world *

* Is having more fun
than me *

* I'm just a kid
and life is a nightmare **

Hi!
Hey!

Look at you, Diane.
Look at you.
You did not have 12 kids.

Yes, I did.
Girl, I can't even
manage a boyfriend.

Well, who can?
Look at this room!
Oh, it's great.

Isn't it great?
Listen, we've got
big plans for the book.

Really? I'm so--
Ta-da!

Oh, come on!
Look at it!

Isn't it great?
It's fantastic.
I love it. Look at this.

The company wants it
in stores by Christmas.

Christmas?
Yes. So, tomorrow,

the marketing people
will bring you up to speed
on the book tour.

A-A book tour?
Yes.
We've got talk shows,

book signings,
personal appearances.

And it's only gonna take
a couple of weeks.

Couple of weeks?
Oh, no. I can't be away
from the kids that long.

Well, if there's no book tour,
then there's no book.

Two weeks?
Kate,

you've been
the primary caregiver
for, what, 22 years?

Can't Tom handle the kids
for a while?

** [ Rock ]
[ Gunner barking ]

** [ woman singing, indistinct]

They're all going to end up
on milk cartons.

Gil-- Gil, Decker and Rico
are playing too loose
at the corners.

We need to pull them in.
[ beeping ]

Sarah, dishwasher!
I'll-I'll come by tomorrow after
I drop the kids off at school,

and we can talk out
some offense variations.

All right.
No, I gotta go.
I gotta go.

Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart,
and I assume
he will be punished.

Uh, Jake, get me
a Band-Aid, okay?
Here, here.

Go stir. You like to stir.
Here, let's take a look at it.

Let's take a look,
see if it's okay.
[ gasps ]

Oh, no, I'm just kidding.
It's actually not--
Uh, Dad?

Yeah?
This goo's on fire.

Oh, no, no.
That's the way Daddy likes it!
Likes it hot and nice and spicy!

Yeah. Here we go.
There we go. Got it.
All right.

Hey, Dad.
Oh, good.
Can you get a Band-Aid?

No need to say hello.
Not one other kid in
this neighborhood does chores.

Well, we're not like
any other family
in the neighborhood.

Right. So,
why do we live here?

Dishwasher, now!

Jessica, can you get
these plates and put 'em
on the table, please?

Oh, God. What the--
Mike's athletic cup?

Ow!

Oh! Pasta de la Crotch.

Is that blood?
No, it's just a--

[ vomits ]

Oh! Clean-up on aisle 12!

Anybody?

You need help
cleaning up, Dad?
[ yells ]

I'm in puke!
Are you all right?

Still need help cleaning up?
No, you mopped it up
enough with your back.

[ vomits ]

Oh, disgusting!
Where's the Band-Aid?

KIM: Dad, it still hurts.
Oh, here, let me look.
Let me look.

Nora, where's that Band--

Jake put a bucket
on Jessica's head,
and it's stuck.

And when they have
a free moment,
let my parents know that...

I came by to tell 'em
I got a job today
at an ad agency.

Nora-- Nora!

Dad,
a little help here!
Nora!

Nora!
[ Gasping ]

[ yells ]

Are you all right?
[ Groans ]

You are in
over your head, mister!
I'm so sorry.

I mean, I will-- I will call--
It's just my wife
is out of town.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come here. Come here.

Dad, can I kill Jake now?
No, you finish
washing the car first.

Dad, can you get
this Band-Aid on me?
Yes, yes. Come on. Come on.

Let's go. Okay, come on.
Everything will be all right.
JESSICA: Oh, Jake?

Give me the Band-Aid.
That's the last time you put
a bucket on my head!

Does that hurt? Okay, good.
[ Gunner barking ]

There it is.
All right, good. Good.
[ telephone ringing ]

NIGEL:
Hey, Nigel, wanna play darts?

No! No playing darts!
I told you that!

Hello?
Hi. How's it goin'?

Oh, everything's fine.
I'm just, uh-- I'm just here.
I'm just, uh, making dinner.

Yeah.
Dad, check me out!

Isn't this awesome?
[ Yelling ]
How are you?

Good, I guess.
SARAH:
Sorry, Dad!

I mean, it's kind of weird
having all this free time.

You sure everything's
all right, honey?
Oh, honey, everything's fine.

[ both yelling ]
I can handle it.

All right, you know,
I'm just used to tag-teaming
to manage the mob.

So I thought--
Oh, no.
They're like kittens.

Whoa!
SARAH:
Sorry, Dad!

Uh, well, this might be
a good time then

to talk about
me staying a few extra days.

What? A few extra days?
Uh, 14, give or take.

[ whispering loudly ]
What did I say
about throwing darts?

That's a lot of days, Kate,
and a couple of key games.

All right, but I have a plan.
If we just take it
one day at a time...

and if you start
to get overwhelmed
or the kids stage a coup,

you call me up,
I'm home, end of trip.

Well, uh, s-s-sounds good.
Sounds good.

[ both giggling ]
Got him in the face!

Okay, honey,
thanks for doin' this.
Give me someone.

Oh. Hey, uh, you know what?
They're doing homework
right now,

and it's that math, uh, trig--
"trigadronomy" thing that you
and I just aren't very good at.

And it's the sweetest thing.
They formed
a little study group...

and they're helping each other,
and, uh, it's like
a little mini, uh,

think tank thing.
[ Nigel, Kyle Laughing ]

And I'd just hate
to break that up.

Well, give everyone my love,
and you call me
right after dinner, okay?

Okay. Will do.
Bye.
[ glass shattering ]

Bye.
NIGEL: Come on, Dad.
Don't hide in the closet.

KYLE: Take it like a man!

Two weeks'll go by
in no time, guys.
You'll see.

[ Jessica, Kim ]
Yeah, right!

Yeah, right.

[ knocking ]
Yeah?

Hey.
What's up?

Okay?
Come in.

[ clears throat ]

Look, your mom's
not coming home
for a couple of weeks.

What?

Okay. Up till now,
I've been, like, mellow...

about this whole
having-it-all lifestyle that you
and Mom are currently into...

"A," because Sarah
has the drama queen role
totally covered,

and "B,"
because I've benefited
from your salary spike...

in various shallow
but nonetheless pleasing ways.

But, Dad, check it out.
This afternoon, Mike
was repelling from the roof,

Nigel was using Kim
as a human dartboard,

and you employed your son
as a vomit mop.

Call me crazy, Pops,
but things are getting
pretty twisted around here.

I need to hire some help.

As in a babysitter? Okay,
that is so not happening.

Dad, just call Mom
and tell her
we need her back home.

I just can't do that right now,
not with all the work
she's done.

It just wouldn't
be fair.

Well, then why don't you
spend more time at home?

Honey, that's just not
an option right now.

I've got a big job,
a job that I love.

I'm gonna have to
call in some backup.

* Help
I need somebody *

* Help
Not just anybody *

* Help
You know, I need someone *

* Help
TOM: Hello.

Uh, my name is Tom Baker,
and I'm interested in hiring
a domestic helper.

Um, I have 12 children.

Actually, I'm serious.

Just 12.
Twelve.

There's only two.
Oh, plus 10.

How many kids?
Well, uh, when you get here
we can just count 'em up.

Well, there's 12.
But one doesn't live with me,

and one you never see
'cause he's so mad.

Uh, a dozen?

* And I do appreciate
your being around *

* Help me get my feet
back on the ground *

* Won't you please, please
help me *
Just-Just-Just 12.

* Help me, help me *
Hello. I'll just
hang up on myself.

** [ Rock On Radio, Indistinct]

Hey, Dad.
Hey, Mike. What's up?

It's Mark.
Right. Mark.
What's up?

I don't get this math homework.

Hey, you know what?
I've got a game
I'm not nearly prepared for.

Could you go ask
one of your sisters
to help you?

Yeah. Okay.

[ groans ]
Forget it.

Hello. Yeah,
could you do me a favor...

and send up 12 pillows
to 504?

Yes.
[ sighs ]

Thank you.

Mmm.
That'll be good.

"Hey, kids,
I had to get to work.

"Lorraine and Kim,
you're in charge of breakfast.

Henry and Jake, lunches.
Charlie, handle drop-offs."

[ bell ringing ]
Come on, Charlie.
We're gonna be late.

Cute car seats, Baker.
[ chuckles ]

You know, we had to take
our little brothers
to nursery school,

if that's okay with you.

What happened?
Did-Did Mommy and Daddy
go back to the farm?

You know what? This whole
"harass the hick" thing's
getting pretty old.

Actually, I'm just
gettin' started.

Yeah?
What else you got?
Yeah.

You don't wanna know, man.
Oh, I wanna know.

Charlie!
Charlie, Charlie, stop.

Stop.
Just let it go, okay?
Please.

Yeah, Charlie.
Let it go, and go...

all the way back to Podunk.
[ girl chuckles ]

Charlie, go.
Go.

[ laughter ]

** [ Rap On Radio, Indistinct ]
Hey, Gil, I got
a real shot with this team.

They're 2-0.
They're rising in
the national standings,

and they're taking
nothing for granted.

Hey, Coach.
Hey, teenager, what's up?

We need to talk.
Sure.

Look, Dad, um--
Hey, guys,
knock it off!

BOY:
All right, Coach!

I know you're all lit up
about this new job,

but my new school--
The press is waiting, Bake!

They're out there now?
Yeah. Come on. Get dressed.

Hey, can we do this later?

Hey, kids.
How was your day at school?

I'd say the high point
was that you're only
45 minutes late picking us up.

Hey, you know what?
There was a pep rally
at school today.

There were 20,000 people
in the stands,
and I just couldn't leave.

Here.
Hey, you did a drawing.

"My favorite place
in the world--"

Is that the Midland house?

President Gerhard and I
have been waiting
for a half an hour.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I had to--

I know you have
responsibilities at home,
Bake, but this is it.

This is your shot,
your moment, not theirs.

What's the matter with you?
What are you doing?

You've wanted this
for as long as I've known you.

[ sighs ]
I just don't want to
see you blow it.

I'll work something out.

It's hard to believe someone as
staggeringly beautiful as you...

could deliver 12 children and
still look as yummy as you do.

[ laughing ]
Oh, that's so sweet.

I guess the camera
can't see my hips.

KELLY: Tell us, did you
have them conventionally?

[ audience laughing ]

[ chuckles ]

Well, uh, after the sixth one,
they just kind of walked out.

[ audience laughing ]

Why don't you read us a little
something from your book?

Oh, I don't know. No.
People can just buy it
and then read it.

Oh, come on.
The audience wants it.

[ audience cheering ]
Oh, all right. Okay.

[ clears throat ]
"Some, uh, call me a mom.

"Others call me
a primary caregiver.

But they both mean
the same thing: chauffeur."

You know, it sounds like you
and your husband have things
under control at home.

Oh, well, I'm lucky
to have him. We sure do.

Kids, on the carpet! Now!

[ gasps ]
Dad!

College guys?
[ gasps, squeals ]

What's goin' on here?
Where's Charlie?

He went to Midland for the day.
Midland? It's a school day.

He hates school.
'Course you couldn't know that
'cause you're never home.

Well, that is about
to change, Sarah Baker.

Because since I can't go
to work without you guys
getting in trouble,

and since I can't stay home
without Shake bugging me,

I have brought my work
home with me.

Guys, meet the family.
Family, meet the team.

'Sup, boys?
What's up?

Okay, we will be
in the living room.
We got a lot of work to do.

I don't want any interruptions
unless it's an emergency. Clear?

Okay. Now go do your homework.
Let's go, guys.

TOM: All right, first team,
line up!
* The faster we're falling

[ grunting ]
* We're stopping
and stalling *

Good. Good. Good.
* We're running
in circles again *

But you hit 'em too high.
You wanna hit 'em low.
** [ continues, indistinct ]

[ indistinct shouting ]

Twenty-four.

* Maybe we're just
trying too hard *

* But really it's closer
than it is too far *

Dad, come on!
* 'Cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep *

* Up above in my head
Hey, how's New York?

* Instead of going under

* 'Cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep *

* Up above in my head
[ together ] Hi.

* Instead of going under
Okay, I've gotta go now.

* Instead of going under

I love you.

* Seems like each time
I'm with you, I lose my mind *

* Because I'm bending over
backwards to relate *

* It's one thing to complain
but when you're driving me
insane *

[ indistinct ]
* Well, then I think it's time
that we took a break *

[ grunting ]
* Maybe we're
just trying too hard *

* When really it's closer
than it is too far *

[ indistinct ]
* 'Cause I'm in too deep

[ laughing ]
* And I'm trying to keep

* Up above in my head
instead of going under *

* 'Cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep *

* Up above in my head
instead of going under *

[ laughing ]
* Instead of going under

* Instead of going under

Step off, missy!

You don't talk that way
unless it's with humor!

Something tells me you had
an unpleasant interaction
with those boys, Mark.

They knocked my glasses off.

I heard you were
dissing my family.

I don't even know
your family, loser.

You do now.
My latte!

[ shouting ]
* 'Cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep *

* Up above in my head
instead of going under *

* 'Cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep *
Coach, give us a quote.

* Up above in my head
instead of going under *

* Instead of going under

Violence begets violence.
* Instead of going under

* Instead of going under

* Instead of going under *

TOM: All right,
enough is enough.

You're slacking on your chores.
You're fighting at school.
Things are out of control.

As of this moment,
you are all grounded.

What's "grounded"?
"What's grounded?"

I'll tell you what grounded is.
Except for attending games,

you go to school;
you come home from school;

you do your homework;
you do your chores;

you go to bed;
and that's it.

But that--
Oh, yes, Sarah, I know.
That sucks.

But that's the way it is.
Does this mean we can't go
to Dylan's birthday party?

That's exactly what it means.
We bought his presents already.

You are going to miss it!

Now, go to bed!

Hey, Gunner. Wanna get
up on the bed, buddy? Huh?

Come on.
[ groans ]

Come on.

*

[ quiet chattering ]

Hello.
Next year, let's book the
Mormon Tabernacle Choir too.

Whatever happened to
pin the tail on the donkey?

And on the end around,
the guard pulls.
That means you, Buttler.

** [ String Quartet ]

I'm going to Dylan's
birthday party. Who's with me?

Yeah!

Hi-- Oh.

Brazilian mud viper.
She gets one live rat
a week.

Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch
with the football I got you?

Uh, my nanny'd have to
check with my dad...

who'd have to check with my mom

who would say it was an
inappropriate use of free time.

Hmm. Sounds like a "yes" to me.
Go get it, Mike.

And, O'Neal, you gotta
crack the first guy
that shows outside.

[ Man Shouting ]
Run, Billy! Run!

[ children screaming, shouting]

[ shouting continues ]

Kids?

[ shouting continues ]

[ hissing ]

[ laughing ]

Get my kids.
I'll meet you at the house.

Ready!
[ together ]
Break!

[ laughing ]
[ screaming ]

Sarah Baker, off, now!

No way!
Don't make me come up there!

[ man yells ]

Oh, my God!
It's gonna blow!

[ Tom screaming ]

[ grunts ]
[ grunts ]

[ screaming continues ]

Aaaah!

[ screams ]

It was my best birthday
ever, Coach.

Your children are never
playing with Dylan again!

Sorry about your arm, Dylan.
[ cell phone ringing ]

[ woman continues ranting ]
Hello, Shake.

Any idea what this
could do to my program?
Don't speak. Listen.

I don't want the players
at your house,

and I don't want
your kids in the department.

MAN: There he is!
Coach! Coach! How will this
impact Saturday's game?

Coach, what do you have to
say to reports that you're
simply

spreading yourself too thin? Is
this child care or football?

Sarah from Evanston,
you're on with Kate Baker.
Mom, it's Sarah.

Hi, Sarah.
Is everything okay?

Come home immediately.
I wanna talk to her!

No! Guys!
[ children shouting ]

I wanna talk to her!
[ all arguing ]

I wanna talk--

Guys, stop!

[ line beeps ]
Hello?

Now look what you did.

Dad?
Oh, Nora.

Thanks for coming.
Thank you, thank you.
I appreciate it.

You seemed kind of desperate
on the phone.
Yeah. They're... everywhere.

You guys?

[ cell phone ringing ]

Hi.
I just talked to the kids.

Yes, I know everything.
Dylan's in the hospital.

Charlie's about
to be expelled.

And Nora taking time off from
her first job to babysit?

Can we do this later, Kate?
No, Tom.

You promised me
that you would let me know
if you couldn't handle it.

I'm doing the best I can.
Please, let's talk later. Bye.

What's the matter?
The book tour's over
for me. I'm going home.

[ sighs ]

[ Nora ]
Get a move on, guys. We gotta
get dinner on the table.

[ answering machine
rewinding, beeping ]

[ Kate on machine ]
Hi. It's me.
Okay, I'm coming home.

Now, I know this
is gonna be a big strain.

The publishing company arranged
for the Oprah Winfrey Show

to tape at our house tomorrow,
which is, you know, great,

but I'm really
gonna need your help.

We're talking Bakers
full force.

Boys, you clean up the outside;
girls, the inside.

I want everybody
in fancy, nice, clean clothes.

And, Tom, if you could please
supervise this one last thing,

I would really appreciate it.

Okay? All right. Bye.
[ machine beeps ]

Sounds like somebody
got his jimmy whipped.

[ chuckles ]
Jimmy whipped!

[ screams, groans ]

Mommy!

[ clattering ]

[ dog barking ]

[ croaks ]

Beans, you okay?

[ phone ringing ]

[ both yelling ]
Go get dressed, guys.

[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]
[ Tom On Phone ]
Hello.

Oh, it's me. Yeah.
My flight was delayed.
They lost my luggage.

I'm gettin' there
as soon as I can. Sorry.

Okay. Those are
for Oprah's people!

Is the house clean?
We're working
on it, Kate.

Okay. I'll see you
when I see you.
[ phone beeps ]

Okay, guys, good job!
Go inside and get cleaned up.

Come on! Hustle up!
Hustle up! Let's go!

[ snoring ]

JAKE:
Camera truck's here!

I need warm water!
Look out, Dad!

Don't make a mess
in the kitchen!

[ knocks ]
Hello? Uh, Baker house?

Yeah. You guys
from Oprah?
Yes, sir.

She's really gonna be here?
Any time now.

Okay, well, just, you know,
set up anywhere.

Will do.
Let's go, guys.

All right.
Let's set up over here, guys.

[ Charlie ]
Knock much?
You got kicked off the team.

Well, look who decided
to be a parent!

Let's check
that attitude, Charlie.

I don't fit in this town, Dad.
I'm going back to Midland.

You are not dropping out
of school, and you are not
walking out on this family.

What family?
[ scoffs ]

Since we moved here, everybody's
been looking out for number one,

especially you and Mom.

Your mother and I are doing
what we think is best
for everyone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You did not take this
coaching job for us.

You took this because you
were a loser in college

while Shake was
being a superstar.

If you want your
shot at glory, dad,

if you wanna have it all,
you do what you gotta do.

But quit feeding us this line
about being a happier
and stronger family.

This move was about you!
And you know what?

I don't have to sit here and pay
the price for your life choices.
I'm leaving.

You're staying.

Are you gonna make me?

Charlie, I love you.

I want you to have
the best life you can have.

And that means you're
getting a diploma.

When I graduate,
I'm gone.

Hey, Charlie, am I looking
okay for national TV?

You know, you turned into
a jerk when we moved here!

[ door closes ]
Everybody turned into a jerk
when we moved here.

[ engine starts ]

Charlie?

LORRAINE:
Mom's home!

Mommy!
Mommy!

Mommy! Never
go away again!
Hi.

Mom, listen up.
Here's the sizzle.
I missed you, honey.

Okay, Dad is stressed
to the point
of a total meltdown.

Charlie's like a half
a step away from juvie,
and Mark's--

Okay. Oprah's coming.
We'll talk about it later.
Here we go.

Whatever.
I just wanna get
everything ready.

What's the deal with Charlie?
Fine, thanks. How are you?

I'm sorry. Hi.
Hi. Charlie got kicked off
the football team.

What?
Don't worry.
I'm handling it.

[ knocking ]
[ sighs ]

Shake. President Gerhard.

Tom.
Tom, we need a minute.

[ croaking ]
Please don't die, Beans.

The university is prepared
to make an investment
in the program,

but we want some assurances.

What does that mean?

We wanna know you're committed
to the football program.

You have to decide
who's making the bacon
and who's cooking it.

[ Shake ]
So what's it gonna be, Tom?

Tom, didn't you pick up
my dry cleaning?

Yes, dear.
It's in the front closet.

Well, I guess the wife
just answered our question.

The wife's name
is Kate, Shake.

What a wiener.

We want an answer by Monday,
Tom. This meeting's over.

[ toys squeaking ]

I'm all right.

[ Doll's Voice ]
I love you.

I'm gonna go get ready.

[ gasps ]
Sorry, Dad.

What's this?

Hank slept over.
Do you have a problem with that?

Yes, I have a problem with that!
This house is G-rated.

Whoa, chief.
Look, Nora's a big girl.

Now would be
an excellent time...

for you to be
very, very quiet,

chief.

Now, get dressed
and get downstairs.

Whoa.

I just-- I can't believe you let
things get this bad around here.

I can't believe it.
What can I say?

You didn't pick the perfect
moment to have a career.

Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even
gonna touch that hypocrisy.

You told me to go to New York.
Mr. I Can Handle It.

"Everything'll be okay.
Go, Kate!" Help me, would you?

So you're telling me you didn't
want to go to New York?

No. I want a lot
of things. So do you.

That's the problem.
This isn't working.

Yeah.
That's my point.
I meant the zipper.

Let's just get through
the next hour, okay?

Fine.
Fine.

KATE:
Okay, everybody. I know
it's been a difficult day,

but I need all of you,
and I would appreciate it if you
could just put on happy faces.

Everything's great.
We're a big, happy family.

If you can remember the lines
I told you to say to Oprah.

Love your hair,
things like that-

If you can't remember,
don't say anything.
Big smiles. Let me see 'em.

Mom, Beans is dead.

Nobody cares about
your stupid frog, FedEx. Okay.

Stop calling me that!

[ children yelling ]
Don't you dare call him that!

[ yelling continues ]

TOM: All right! Hey!
Stop it! Stop it!

What's the name
of this segment again?

Uh, "One Big Happy Family."

Okay, I'm calling
Oprah's people right now.

All I'm saying is,
families are inevitable.

It's like death or taxes.

Does that mean
you don't want children?

KATE:
Leave him alone!
Hello!

Look at these--
They're monsters!

[ yelling continues ]
Honey, you can't want this.
That's why you're with me.

Nora! Come on!
We need you down here!

LORRAINE:
You're stepping on me! Stop!

KATE:
Nigel, get off
your brother's head!

Get off me!
Nobody cares about me!

Nobody cares about me!
Mark, what's going on?

Mark! Mark!

What are you talking about?
I'm perfect!

I've never done
anything like this before!
No! None of that!

Hey! Hey!
No, you do not want
to come down here.

No, it's the farthest thing
from a happy family.

[ yelling continues ]

Why am I the only normal
person in the family?

Feel free to sleep
on the couch.

You read my mind.

Daddy, are you and Mommy
gonna get a divorce?

Come here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mark's gone.

[ knocking ]

Mark's gone.
What?

Hey, Dad.

What I said before--
I was out of line.

Forget it.

You were right.

[ Gunner barking ]
[ children yelling ]
Mark!

[ phone ringing ]
Hello.

Hey, Mark ran away.
Is he with you?

No. We'll come
help you look.

There's me! Oh.
[ chuckles ]

Mark's missing.
Oh.

[ TV Narrator ]
Take it to the max.
Tommy Max.

Let's go.

I look great.

Did you not hear me?
My brother is missing!

No. Did you not hear me?
I'm on TV!

What was that for?

Oh. What do you want?

My son Mark ran away.
He's not here, is he?

I always knew
one of your kids would
land on a milk carton.

Twelve is just
too big a number.

We'll help you look for him.
It's-It's past
Dylan's bedtime.

We're gonna
look for him, Tina.

Thank you.
Sure.

Let the police handle it!
You'll never find him!

Oh, we'll find him.
Like you said,
12's a big number.

Mark! Mark!
Mark!

He's about, about--
about that high.

He's got red hair and
glasses. There's a photo,
and you can keep that.

No luck.
I've been everywhere.

Thanks for looking.

Where's Hank?
He's not gonna make the cut.

I hope the family
isn't to blame.

They're totally to blame.

I'll have officers check
the train and bus stations.

He wouldn't get on
a train or a bus.
He might've.

Those times when
I ran away from Midland,
I was gonna go to Chicago.

My favorite place
in the world.

Your favorite place
in the world.

[ man On P.A., indistinct ]

[ chattering ]

[ train whistle blowing ]

You said we'd be happier.
You didn't keep your promise.

I know. I'm sorry.

[ train whistle blows ]

Mom!

Oh, honey! Oh!

[ laughs ]
Oh, we missed you, sweetheart.

Do that again, I'm going
to have to pound you.

But I thought I was FedEx.
Your eccentricities
and vision problems...

are genetic traits that
could be attributed

to any number
of the Baker ancestors.

Yeah. Without you, we wouldn't
be the 12 Bakers anymore.

We'd be, like, 11.

I figured everybody
hated me like Sarah and
Lorraine hate each other.

There are times when
I want to kill Sarah,

but I'd kill for her
all the time.

Come here, cutie.
[ all laughing ]

Tom? You wanna say
something? A few words?

Sure.

Beans was a good frog.

He was, uh, not like
a lot of the bad frogs...

you hear about today,
all hopped up.

[ chuckles ]
He was lovable.
He was almost human.

He was like, uh,
one of the family.

Except that, of course,
he was green and he ate flies.

But he was a hopper.

He hipped and he hopped.

He loved hip-hop.

Mark, why don't you-- I think
you should say something.

For a long time, you were
the only person I could talk to.

That's different now.

But you're the one
who got me through.

Thanks.

I'm resigning after
the season, Shake.

Giving up the dream, huh?

Just going
with a different one.

No regrets?

If I screw up
raising my kids,

nothing I achieve
will matter much.

Thank you.

We'll make an announcement
at the end of the week.

Come on. Keep
the assembly line up here.
We gotta get this done.

Where's Dad?
He went to the game.

Why didn't he
ask us to go?

Because...

he didn't want you
to be there on the day
that he quits his job.

He's quitting his job?
Mm-hmm.

What would we have to do
so he wouldn't quit?
I'll give up clarinet lessons.

I'll go back to hand-me-downs.
[ all talking at once ]

Okay, ease up.
Everybody listen.

Dad's a big boy, and
he makes his own decisions,

and he's doing this
because it's what he wants.

In that case,
I totally take back what I said
about the hand-me-downs.

I thought so. Anybody else
wanna take back their offer?

Yeah, there we go.
[ chuckles ]

[ Kate Narrating ]
I guess you could say that
when Tom and I left Midland,

we had a mess of theories
about how to raise children.

We still have a mess
of children, but no theories.

Sure, 12 is still our number.

It's the number of months
my book was on
the best-seller list.

It's the number of job offers
Tom turned down before we found
one close to home.

Hike!
[ all yelling ]

And each day, it's
the number of times I'm
thankfulte

**

[ Chattering ]
* Rockin' around
the Christmas tree *

* At the Christmas party hop

* Mistletoe hung
where you can see *

* Every couple tries to stop

* Rockin' around
the Christmas tree *

* Let the Christmas
spirit ring *

* Later we'll have
some pumpkin pie *

* And we'll do some caroling

* You will get a sentimental

* Feeling when you hear

* Voices singing
"Let's be jolly" *

* Deck the halls
with boughs of holly *

* Rockin' around
the Christmas tree *

* Have a happy holiday

* Everyone's dancin' merrily

* In the new
old-fashioned way **

[ Rock music playing ]
* He rocks in the treetops
all day long *

* Hoppin' and a-boppin'
and singin' his song *

* All the little birdies
on Jaybird Street *
What happened to you?

* Love to hear the robin
goin' tweet, tweet, tweet *
Oh, my God!

* Rockin' robin, rock, rock
[ laughing ]

* Rockin' robin
Save the eggs!

* Blow, rockin' robin
'cause you're really
gonna rock tonight *

Yeah, you got room
for all your-

for all your big old family
in that new apartment?

DIRECTOR:
You're on camera, Steve.
Sorry. I am.

You idiot. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you got room in your
new apartment for that--

Battleax
of a wife of mine?

You got--

DIRECTOR:
Act angry, not grumpy.

I really am grumpy.
Well, that's good.

Two times?
Two times. Ready?

Then going outside?
Yeah.

Actually, we're
almost done, so let's do it.

On your mark, get set, go!

[ together ]
I don't wanna move!
I don't wanna move!

Cut. Good job. Okay?

I listened--
I listened the "goodest."

I don't wanna do it anymore.

One more time.
Last one and you're outta here.

[ frog croaking ]
Cut! Cut! Cut!

Somebody help me!
Help me!

Whoa!
Just for the record, Mom--

Be careful, pally.
Slow down on that stuff.

You're not gonna remember
a damn thing in school

if you suck 'em back
like I do.

Now, on the end around
the guard pulls.

That means you, Buttler.
Whoa.

Cut!
[ all laughing ]

Action!
Frankly, I'm concerned.

I go around those kids,
they start beatin' on me.

What if I get a black eye?
[ laughs ]

Frankly, I'm concerned, honey.
The kids set me on fire,
they beat me.

They're abusive.
[ laughing ]

This is how I get jobs,
right here!

I'm sorry. I looked
at myself in the camera.

I'm so-- good-looking.
They set me on fire!

Sounds good to me.

All the kids
wrapped in duct tape.

Maybe we can just roll,
roll ourselves in duct tape,

and then I can just
roll you across the floor.

Together, maybe.

[ laughter ]

Ow!

Ooo!

*

* What wishes will you make

* When the season is near

* Will your dreams
be the same *

* As they were last year

* Will you ask for a little

* Will you ask for a lot

* And when you make your list

* Will there be something
you forgot *

* How about peace on Earth

* It can't be bought or sold

* How about peace
this Christmas *

* And someone's hand to hold

* How about love
in our hearts *

* And hope for you and me

* How about peace on Earth

* That's what Christmas
should be *

* You can get all the things

* That you've been
waiting for *

* Snowfall and presents

* Choirs singing at your door

* This season will be perfect

* Like those picture
postcard scenes *

* But is that the answer

* Is that what Christmas
really means *

* How about peace on Earth

* It can't be bought or sold

* How about peace
this Christmas *

* And someone's hand to hold

* How about love
in our hearts *

* And hope for you and me

* How about peace on Earth

* And that's what
Christmas should be *

* What would you sacrifice

* What would you give away

* For the greatest
gift of all *

* On Christmas Day

* How about peace on Earth

* It can't be bought or sold

* How about peace
this Christmas *

* And someone's hand to hold

* How about love
in our hearts *

* And hope for you and me

* How about peace on Earth

* How about peace on Earth

* It can't be bought or sold

* How about peace
this Christmas *

* And someone's hand to hold

* How about love
in our hearts *

* And hope for you and me

* How about peace on Earth

* Peace on Earth

* How about peace on Earth

* That's what Christmas
should be *

* Christmas Day *

* Christmas Day *

[ instrumental playing ]

*

**