All language subtitles for Carry On - 17 - Carry On Camping

And in spite of all she'd heard.

Sally was quite unprepared for
the sight that met her eyes.

As she looked out
of her tent on this

first morning in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked.
Happy campers

went about their everyday tasks

unencumbered by clothing.

Unembarrassed and unashamed.

So this was paradise.

How beautiful it seemed to her.

How unlike her past
holidays in Bournemouth.

Suddenly. Sally's shyness and
natural timidity vanished,

and forgetting all about her
strict convent training,

she stepped out from her tent. As
naked and free as nature intended.

Cor.

That's quite enough
of that, thank you.

What's the matter?

You told us this film
was about camping.

It is. Those are
tents, aren't they?

Not what you're looking at.

If you're going on a
camping holiday, it

makes sense to find out
what it's all about.

A fat lot you're going
to learn from this.

I'm making a mental note of all
the equipment they've got.

Yes, especially hers.

Setting out to explore paradise,

Sally's first stop was
at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers
were playing a mixed doubles.

Oh, gorblimey.

You won't see nothing like that
at Wimbledon, open or not.

If one of those men turn round,
I'm walking straight out of here.

What's the matter, Anth?
Don't you like tennis?

I feel sick.

I don't blame her. Honestly,
I don't know where to look.

I do.

Close your eyes and I'll
tell you when to open them.

I don't want to close my
eyes. I just want to go.

I know just how she
feels. It's disgusting,

that's what it is, disgusting.

What are you talking
about? It's artistic.

- Artistic?
- Certainly.

With all those big
bottoms bobbling

about all over the screen?

You wouldn't think
anything of it if we

walked round like
that all the time,

free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd rather
be sat here all stark naked?

It wouldn't bother me.

It would if your ice
lolly fell in your lap.

You're a prude.

If you don't mind, we're
trying to hear back here.

Sorry, mate, if I'd known that
I'd have spoken a bit louder.

In another part of the camp

a party of carefree
young people were

just starting off
on a bicycle ride.

Hey, look, Anth. That
fair girl at the

end, she's got a
saddle just like mine.

Ooh.

That's being unfettered. They
don't bother with trouser clips.

While in front of the canteen,

a group of men were
benefiting from a PT class.

Rhythmically bending over
to touch their toes.

Oh, dear.

Oh, my God.

That does it. Anthea was right. We

should have gone to
The Sound Of Music.

- You've seen that before.
- I've seen that before, too.

Oh, shut up.

Come on, Anthea. Are
you coming as well?

Wait a minute. Let's see the end.

I've seen enough ends
already. Come on.

I suppose we'd better
go with 'em, Sid.

Excuse me.

It makes you sick.

They just don't
appreciate culture.

And so to the swimming pool.

Where all the prettiest young
girls were disporting themselves.

Ah.

Hello, darling.

Oh, no.

Hello, Peter. I'm checking
on the camping gear.

So I see.

Had a good day?

Oh, not bad.

Got drunk at lunch time,
then went to a strip

club, then finished off
in bed with a popsy.

Ah, look, there's a
hole in this tent flap.

Yes, the goat ate its
way in last year.

Oh, yes, I remember. He
was after your bedding.

Yes, that's right. He even
left a deposit on it.

Oh, poor Peter. We
had a good laugh

about that, though, didn't we?

Yes, you did, didn't you?

That's what I love about
camping. Such fun, always.

Did you have a good day?

Not bad, no, no.

A chap came into the office
with a pound of opium

and we smoked it and we spent
the afternoon in a harem.

I've been thinking, we ought
to try Devon again this year.

We had such a marvellous
time there last time.

I've been thinking, too, darling.

That marvellous little camping
site near Stoats Hollow.

- Do you remember?
- Harriet, please listen to me.

I am listening. What a
funny thing to say.

I've been thinking
about this holiday,

and I was wondering if
possibly, just once,

we might go abroad somewhere.

Abroad?

Camping?

Oh, nothing so luxurious as that.

I thought we might... we might
rough it in some four-star hotel.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

You wouldn't like that.

Sleeping in strange
beds, eating oily food,

and using all those
peculiar toilets.

The toilets we have to dig out at
camp aren't exactly the last word.

Oh, but they're all ours.

Yes, well, it's just that I think
I may be getting too old for it.

Oh, don't be silly,
Peter. You mark

my words, you'll die under canvas.

That's what I'm afraid of.

No. You always enjoy your camping

holiday and you're
going to have one.

You're tired. Perhaps you had
a bad day at the office?

No. No, no, no, no.

I met this chap who'd just come
back from camping in Scotland

and his wife was ravished
by a wild haggis

and now they're expecting
a little faggot.

Oh.

Yes?

We mustn't forget to take a good
supply of toilet paper this time.

You know what happened last year.

Yes, we had nothing to
write to your mother on.

No. No, sir, you mustn't.

If you keep on doing
that you'll...

Oh.

Please, sir.

Oh, hello.

Miss Dobbin, what on earth
is the meaning of this?

I'm sorry, Mr Short. The
gentleman kept touching things.

That's quite right. You
see I've been bursting

to know what it's
like inside a tent.

I see. All right, Miss Dobbin,
I'll attend to this customer.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Splendid girl, and so helpful.

Do you know, she's been showing
me how to stick the pole up.

Quite.

I take it you're interested
in purchasing equipment?

Oh, rather. I've always
been interested in camping.

But since I've never done
it before, I thought

I'd go to the very
best place for advice.

Quite so, sir, so you came here.

Well, yes, you see, the
best shop was closed.

I assure you, we supply
everything essential

for a really successful
camping holiday.

Oh, but I need everything.

Are you going alone, sir?

Why? Do you supply that, too?

This way, sir, please.

Yes, of course.

- Sid, let's get back to work.
- Oh, come on.

We're only going to ask where
this Paradise Camp is.

But they'll know it's nudist
and it'll be embarrassing.

What are you talking about?

Like going into a chemist's
for something, finding

a girl serving, and coming
out with toothpaste.

I wondered what you
were doing with

all those tubes in your cupboard.

No. It's not that.
Besides, you'll never get

Joan and Anth to go
to a place like that.

How long have we been
taking them out?

About three months.

- And where's it got us?
- I've kissed Anth.

What did that lead
to? She was sick.

Because I'd been
eating pickled onions.

We're lumbered with two
birds with prohibitions.

You mean "inhibitions".

I mean "prohibitions".
They just won't allow us.

All the same, you can't take
them to a place like that.

If we can get those
two birds to Paradise

Camp, all that freedom,
back to nature,

do you think they can keep
on holding out? Never.

How will you get 'em to go there?

Don't tell 'em. Come on.

No. Hold on a minute. I
can't go to a nudist place.

- Why not? Other people do.
- Maybe, but not people like us.

Have we got three
legs or something?

It's not that.

When I'm on holiday,
I like to relax.

So?

And when I relax, I like to
put my hands in my pockets.

You can relax with
your hands behind

your back. Prince
Philip does all right.

- Not with nothing on, he doesn't.
- How do you know?

You make it sound
like it was something

shameful to go into a nudist camp.

It's the most healthy,
natural thing in the world.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, as a matter of
fact, my mate and

I were wondering if you could...

Yes?

Well, we were looking for...

Yes?

Er, a tube of toothpaste, please.

We don't sell toothpaste, sir.

Aspirins?

I'll take one of these, then.

See?

Here. That's it.

That's it.

Come on.

Go on, hit her.

Go on.

I'll teach you to call
me a cow, you old bitch.

Look out, the Head's coming.

Oh.

Stand up, girls.

Good evening, Miss Haggard.

Carry on, girls.

Come in.

Ah, Matron, what can I do for you?

I'm sorry to trouble
you, Dr Soaper, but

I've been thinking about
this camping trip

for the girls that remain
with us during the holidays.

What about it?

I was wondering whether it
really was such a good idea.

Perhaps you're forgetting,
it was my idea.

Oh, no, no. And, of course, it
is an absolutely splendid one.

- But...
- But what?

Well, I was wondering
whether perhaps

they might find it
a trifle Spartan.

I mean, their being such
delicate and refined girls.

Ooh-ooh. Usual place,
boys, in five minutes.

The point I'm really
trying to make is that

here I can keep full
control over them,

but, outside, anything
might happen.

You seem to be forgetting, Miss
Haggard, you're coming with us.

Surely you and I together
can keep suitable control?

Well, I was thinking
about the girls.

So am I.

Oh. But don't you see? It
raises the problem of sex.

I assure you, Matron, I wouldn't

dream of bothering
you in that way.

I meant, with the girls. They're

liable to come into
contact with boys.

Oh, yes, but I don't think
that'll be a problem.

It's been my experience
that once young

people sample the
delights of country life

and the wonders of nature,

oh, they just can't
get enough of it.

- Exactly.
- I was thinking of the girls.

- So was I.
- Exactly.

Well, I do hope you're
right, Dr Soaper.

Oh, yes, yes, I
assure you, Matron.

But I take the point
you made earlier.

Yes, these girls have led
very sheltered lives.

They don't even
know what boys are.

I suggest you give
them a little talk on

the subject. Nothing
too frightening.

Just stick to the
birds and the bees,

with a possible reference to
the behaviour of monkeys.

- Well, I'll try, Dr Soaper.
- Good. Good.

And if any of them feel
any unnatural urges,

or the desire to do
something they shouldn't,

send them straight to me.

- You?
- Yes.

Well, I was thinking
about the girls.

So was I.

Oh, you're not wearing that.

- What?
- That hat.

Oh, sorry, dear. Force of habit.

Ah, that's the ticket.

Come on. Let's get our packs on.

And off we go.

There. How do I look?

Like an old mailbag filled
with unwanted parcels.

- Splendid. Shall I drive?
- Why not? You always do.

Good. Come on. Let's go.

Don't forget, not a
word to the girls about

where we're going. It's
a mystery holiday.

They'll find out the
minute we get there.

It'll be too late by then.

We must just act as
surprised as they are.

I won't need to act.

- Sid...
- Yes?

Will we have to take
all our clothes

off? Can't we keep something on?

Don't worry. I've thought of that.

Ha-ha-ha.

Go on. Finish it up.
You're not going

anywhere without a good
breakfast inside you.

- I am finishing it up, Mum.
- More bacon and tomatoes, Anthea?

No, thank you, Mrs Fussey, I had

coffee and toast
before I left home.

You won't get a proper lunch,
not if I know those two.

They're only after
one thing, they are.

For heaven's sake, Mum, we know
how to look after ourselves.

Oh, yes? 33 and still not married.

If that's not taking care of
yourself, I don't know what is.

I'm playing hard to get with Sid.

- What's the matter with you?
- I choked.

You saved me the trouble.

The way you talk, you'd think
I didn't want to get married.

I know what you want... I
also know what Sid wants.

What's that?

Since you asked me to
put it into words,

he wants to eat his
cake and have it.

And he's going the right way about

it, taking you on a
camping holiday.

Look, Mum, I know Sid's
been around, but

he's not going to
find me easy meat.

Me neither.

Well, you're not even meat.

Bernie's nice, though.

He is if you get him
away from that Sid.

He's a bad influence
on him, if you ask me.

We aren't.

I think you're making it too
easy for them going camping.

I wish you wouldn't treat Sid
as if you hated his guts.

But I do. That's just it, I do.

I know. And you're not making
it any easier for me, either.

It's all going to be quite proper
and above board, I can assure you.

Sid's got two tents for us.

Yes, and I know what happens to
people once they get in them.

I went with your father
once and he went berserk.

After that experience,
I'd never have

married him... if I hadn't had to.

Oh, do shut up, Mum.

Oh, here they are.

All set?

Yes. Give us a hand with
the baggage, will you?

Anthea get here ok?

Yes, she's just
finished breakfast.

Morning, Mrs Fussey.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Blimey, we're not
emigrating, you know.

Oh, it's only clothes.

Oh, you won't need clothes
where we're going.

What do you mean, we
won't need clothes?

He means, you won't
need a lot of clothes.

Just a pair of shorts, swimsuit...

Oh, no. I'm not having
her go without plenty

of woollies. Not with
her funny kidneys.

Oh, Mum, there's nothing
wrong with my kidneys.

You know a chill goes straight
to 'em. Just like your father.

Always on the trot, he was.

Oh, give over, for heaven's sake.

They can run around half-naked,

but you're keeping
woollies next to

your essentials and that's final.

All right, Mrs Fussey, we'll
get it all on somehow.

I'm sorry if I've
brought too much, but

I have to keep covered
up in the sun.

That's right. Anthea's
got a funny skin.

Get away.

What with her funny
skin and Joan's funny

kidneys, it's going to
be a hilarious holiday.

If she can't take her
clothes off in the sun...

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

And don't go drinking
none of that well water.

You never know what people
have done down wells.

Yes, all right, Mum.

And go easy on the
tinned food. You don't

want any trouble, not
with your funny tummy.

Funny tummy, too? You
ought to be on the telly.

She can't help having
sensitive parts.

For goodness' sake,
can't we get going?

Nearly ready. You get in.

Anthea, have you
taken your tablet?

Yes.

- Tablet?
- Yes, Anthea gets carsick.

What? A big, strong, healthy
girl like her? Never.

Come on, then.

And don't forget, if you
have to use any strange

whatsits, put plenty
of paper down first.

Oh, isn't it awful?

- Come on, let's get cracking.
- That should hold all right.

Yeah, that's it.
Ta-ta, Mrs Fussey.

- Just a minute.
- Yes?

I just wanted to warn
you, I don't want to hear

of any unnecessariness
when my Joan gets back.

- Unnecessariness?
- You know what I mean.

What makes you think
that's unnecessary?

It's no laughing matter.

They might think
your intentions are

honourable, but I've
got sore misgivings.

You want to put some
talcum powder on 'em.

Very funny.

You stick to your own tents.

Oh, Mum, really.

It's not as if she's got
a ring on her finger.

She hasn't got one through
her nose, either.

Oh, come on. Let's get
going, for goodness' sake.

Oh, my Gawd.

Three large tents for
the girls, one for me,

one for Miss Haggard, and
bunks and bedding...

All the bunks and bedding in here.

Get a load of that. Whoa-ho.

Good morning, Dr Soaper.
Are we all loaded?

Not half.

- Oh, is that our driver?
- Yes. Mr Tanner.

You can call me Jim.

Hello, Jim. Are you going to
stay with us all the time?

Oh, yeah. I go all the way.

Ooh, I bet you do.

That'll do. All right,
girls, get in the coach.

You get on with the loading.

Barbara, dear, do you think you're

quite suitably dressed
for travelling?

But, sir, we were told to bring
the minimum of clothing.

Yes, but in your baggage,
not on your person.

Oh, it's all right. I've got a
minimum in my baggage, too.

So I see, but I don't
think it's proper for a

young lady to show her
legs to that extent.

- What extent?
- They go up too far.

My legs? They only go up to my...

- To your shorts.
- Oh, yes.

Quite a rear-wheel drive?

Yes, fascinating the way it...

What? Absolutely disgusting.

I can't think what Matron had
in mind when she allowed it.

I shall certainly
speak to her when...

Good morning, Dr Soaper.

Miss Haggard, I really
must protest...

Something wrong, Dr Soaper?

Ah, no, Matron, nothing.
Nothing at all.

How are you feeling
now, Anth? Better?

- Yeah.
- That's it.

You should never have had those
bacon and tomatoes for breakfast.

- Oh...
- Oh, look, now you've done it.

Me? What have I done?

Why did you have to bring up
bacon and tomatoes again?

- I didn't. She did.
- Oh, dear.

I'm not stopping again.

Don't be so heartless. She
can't help feeling sick.

She's always like this
on long distances.

Long distances? She was off before
we reached the end of your road.

You'd better do something quick.

- A paper bag. That's the answer.
- I know, put it over her head.

- Try those.
- She'll never get it in that.

It's to sniff at, you
fool. Smelling salts.

- Quick.
- Cor.

Great smelling
salts, that. What is

it? Essence of bacon and tomato?

Oh, Sid, it's no good. We'll
have to find a place.

We're in the blooming country.
There aren't any places.

Well, she'll have to go
behind a hedge. Stop the car.

Oh...

Da-da, da

Da-da-da-da

I say, look what's
in front of you.

I am looking.

What a ghastly sight.

You can say that again.

Keep off the road.
Keep off the road.

Why? What have you done, madam?

- Hello.
- Hello.

I wonder if you could help me. Am
I on the right road to Salisbury?

Yes, but it's quicker
if you go through

the fence and cross the plain.

Oh, thank you very much.

What's a nice girl like you
doing with an old cow?

I'm taking her to the bull.

Oh. Couldn't your father do that?

No, it has to be the bull.

It has to be the...

All right, now pay
attention, girls.

Owing to our rather prolonged
stay at Stonehenge,

I've arranged for us to
stay the night at a hostel,

and then go on to the camp
site tomorrow morning.

Any questions?

Go on, Babs, I dare you.

Yes, please, Dr Soaper.

What is it, Barbara, dear?

Please, sir, at Stonehenge, I
heard an American gentleman say

that all those stones
were to do with

fertility rites.

What are they?

Ah, fertility rites, yes.

Well, that's easily
explained, my dear.

You see, in those days, there were
very few cattle and horses about,

and men had to purchase the
right to gather the fertiliser,

hence the term "fertility rites".

Oh, I see.

Aren't I silly? I thought it was

something to do
with having babies.

Now, rest period.

A fine talk you must have given
them on the birds and the bees.

Well, I'm sorry, Doctor, but when
I started talking about them,

I suddenly realised I hadn't the
foggiest idea what they did.

Well, what do they do?

Bees sting. Psst.

We'll have a quick nosh-up,
then we'll get the tent up.

I think this is a
lousy spot to pick.

Perfect, isn't it?

Just smell that air.

- Ah.
- Something up?

Oh, just a thistle, that's all.

Oh, poor Peter, you're
always in trouble.

Here, have a hard-boiled
egg to get on with.

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

So much better than
dirty, stuffy old London.

Funny thing about dirty,
stuffy old London,

I can walk for miles
without ever getting

bitten, stung or
stepping into something.

That's more than I can
say for the country.

What was that?

Only a cow. Look, it's over there.

Are you absolutely
sure that's a cow?

Of course I'm sure.
I should know, I

used to milk them
when I was little.

I wouldn't try milking that
one. It's only got one tap.

Oh, yes, I believe that
is a bull. Fancy that.

No, I don't. Not in the least.

You don't have to
worry about them.

They only go for something red.

- Ooh.
- Perhaps we'd better move.

I'll open the gate.
You bring the things.

Come on.

Hurry, Peter.

Hurry.

Ah.

Oh.

Peter.

Peter, darling.

Are you all right?

Fine. Fine.

Would you pass the salt, please?

Peter. Peter.

Oh.

Look, you said we'd be there
by five. It's nearly six.

I was reckoning without your
friend Miss Throw-Up 1969.

According to the map, we
should be quite close.

Close to what? Where
are we heading for?

- Paradi...
- Joan.

Coming.

I knew I shouldn't have
eaten those radishes.

I say, Peter, do you remember, we

stayed overnight in
this spot before?

When I got bitten in the
middle of the night.

That's right. By a
mosquito, wasn't it?

Well, it wasn't you.

They always seem to fancy you.
What you need is a repellent.

Thanks. I married one.

We could do with some milk.

There's a farm round here
where we got some before.

- Where I got some before.
- No, I'm wrong.

I remember, you went
by yourself and on

the way back you fell
into a silage pit.

Oh, we have had some
fun, haven't we?

Yeah.

I'll get the milk.

Yes?

Hello. I've had a spot
of bother with my tent

and I wondered whether you could
let me have a room for the night.

Did you? I suppose you
want me to say, "Yes,

but you'll have to share
it with my daughter"?

I expect you've heard that
one about the traveller,

who stopped at the...

I've not only heard it,
I've had it. Come in here.

Here, girl. Is this the
one as is responsible?

What? That? You must be joking.

Have you ever been with
my daughter before?

Actually, no. But if the
offer still holds...

Never mind. Just get out

and don't come back.

Ok, I'm sorry to
have knocked you up.

Is that meant to be funny?

No, why?

Because it was a tramp like you
that got her into trouble.

Oh, you don't say.
Nothing serious, I hope?

Get out. Get out.

Unless you want my twelve-bore
up your backside.

Father, you can't go on attacking
every man that comes here.

Just give me his name. That's all
I want out of you, his name.

I can't. I never knew his name.

All that money I spent
on a posh education,

trying to make a lady out of you.

And you haven't even
got the manners to

ask, "With who am I
having the pleasure?"

Good evening, sir.

I was wondering if I
could have some milk?

Milk, is it?

Yes. I came here once
before, you know.

Oh, you did?

Yes, but you weren't here, though.

Just a young lady, and
she gave me a bit.

Oh, she did, did she?

Yes. And it was very nice, too.

That's why I've come
back for some more.

By gum, you've got a nerve.

Oh, don't misunderstand
me, please.

I'm quite willing to
pay for it this time.

I'll kill you.

Ha, bull's-eye.

Da-da-da

Da-da-da...

Peter, what's the matter with you?

Nothing. Why? I've been shot
in the backside, that's all.

You've, er... What?

Shot.

- Where?
- In the backside.

Much?

Have a look, will you?

It must be around here somewhere.

Look, why don't we just stop
anywhere and put the tents up?

You can't just stop
anywhere. You've

got to have proper facilities.

We've managed without
facilities all day.

How's queasy chops?

She's having a whale
of a time. You've

only to look at her to see that.

He only asked.

Look.

That's it.

Paradise? Where have
I heard that before?

It must have been in church.

No, it wasn't that.
Oh, is this the

special place you've
been looking for?

That's right.

No, nothing special. But
we'll try it if you like.

- But, Sid, this is the place...
- Don't be so selfish, Bernie.

Think of the poor girls. They've
had enough for one day.

We'll take a chance, shall we?

- Are you the owner of this site?
- No.

- Where is he?
- Gone for a pee.

Here he comes now.

Excuse me.

Yes. Can I help you?

Yes. We'd like to camp here.
Who do we have to see?

Me. I'm the owner. Josh Fiddler.

Oh, how do you do, Mr Fiddler?

- I'm Boggle. This is Mr Lugg.
- Hello.

- You're not members, then?
- Do you have to be members?

I'm afraid so. I'm trying
to keep this place select.

It's not like some
of these camp sites,

it's more what you might
call a show-place.

We know all about that, don't we?

How much is it to
be a member, then?

- A pound.
- A pound. All right, then.

Per person.

Each? But there's four of us.

Bernie, it's all right. We don't
want to argue with Mr Fiddler.

Two, three, four.

That's correct.

Now, then, gentlemen,
your members' cards.

Thank you. Shall we go, then?

Any time you want to
book in, show them.

But we want to come in now.

Now? But you haven't
booked, have you?

Booked? Don't tell
me you're full up.

Well, I might be able
to squeeze you in,

but you should have
paid the booking fee.

Booking fee. Which is?

- A pound.
- A pound.

Per tent.

Two tents, two pounds.

- Now can we come in?
- As soon as you've paid the rent.

- Rent?
- In advance.

But you've had six quid
out of us already.

Bernie. It's all right, Bernie.

What about the rent,
then, Mr Fiddler?

Well, my usual charge per week...

- Yes, yes, which is?
- A pound.

A pound. I knew it.

Per tent?

Or per person.
Whichever's the greater.

I don't know if anybody
ever told you,

but your name certainly suits you.

Thank you.

Now can we come in?

Well, there is just
one more thing.

What?

Welcome to Paradise.

Bernie, we're in.

Do we strip off now?

Do we take our clothes off now?

Oh, no, there's no hurry for that.

Let's have a good look round
first, see what the form is.

But if they're
stripped off and we go

in fully dressed,
everybody will stare.

We can't start now.
They'll get suspicious.

We're lucky. We managed to get in.

Then you can just turn round
and manage to get out again.

- What are you talking about?
- You heard me, you filthy beast.

Filthy beast? What
have I done now?

Look, don't you come the
innocent with me, Sid Boggle.

It's a good job Anthea woke up.

She remembers Paradise.
It was in that

disgusting film you
took us to see.

Oh, is that what that
camp was called?

There's a coincidence, Bern?

Yeah.

- I want to go home.
- Don't worry, dear. We're going.

We're not staying here to
flaunt our persons in public.

It has cost us ten nicker to get
in here, and in we are going.

Don't look, Anthea.

Oh, it's all right,
Anthea, you can look.

It's really rather nice.

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

Come on. Let's get out and
put the tents up, shall we?

You stay where you are. We're not
stopping in this lousy dump.

What?

- Is this it, then?
- Ah, yes.

Ablutions hut, toilet
hut, camp shop.

It doesn't seem
very full, does it?

You're lucky. I had a
couple of cancellations.

That's why I was able
to squeeze you in.

Well, before you start squeezing,

why are these people all sitting
around with their clothes on?

Well, it's a camp
rule. "All visitors

will be respectfully dressed

- at all times."
- At all times?

Of course. I can't have people
walking round here naked.

I've got my hens to
think of. It doesn't

take much to put them
off their laying.

And it doesn't take much
to put me off mine.

We've come to the wrong
place. We can't stay here.

Please yourself.

So if you'll just
give me the money...

I'm very sorry. It's a camp
rule. No monies returnable.

If you don't give me it...

What's all the fuss?

I was just saying you
girls don't want to stay.

That was before we
saw it. It's lovely.

Yes. Lovely.

That's all right, then, isn't it?

Yes. Lovely.

I wouldn't take too long
putting your tents up.

It wouldn't surprise me if
we didn't have some rain.

You had to open your big mouth.

Oh.

You two get in the car and
me and Sid'll put them up.

Hurry up, girls. Come along
now. Pick up your baggage.

Well, here we are, girls. Welcome
to Balsworth Youth Hostel.

Corridor E. Rooms 15 to 22. All
the girls will have to share.

Not you, of course, Matron.
You'll be in Room 19.

- Thank you very much, Dr Soaper.
- Not at all.

I'm sure no one will disturb you.

Yes, come along, girls.
Hurry up. All pair off.

Each girl make a pair.
All make a pair.

That's right.

What's the matter, Sally?

Please, sir, I don't
seem to have a pair.

I wouldn't say that, dear.

You see, there's 11 of us.

Yes, that's true. I hadn't thought
of that. That is most awkward.

She can have my room.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I'm on my own. She
can have it if she wants.

Oh, yes, I suppose that would
appear to be the only solution.

All right, Sally,
you take Room 17.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

That's all right. Any time.

Yes, all right. Come along, dear.

You'll be sharing
with me. Room 16.

Oh. Mind where
you're putting that.

- Sorry.
- Give me a peg.

Peg...

Here you are.

All right. Bang it in.

- Ah.
- Sorry.

What's the matter with you?

Ah. Oh.

Oh, hold still a
minute, Peter, please.

Ah. That's better.

Oh, got it.

- Is that the lot?
- No. Just one more.

Now, hold still.

That's it.

- Ooh...
- There.

That's better. Now,
get your clothes

on, we'll have a
nice hot cup of tea.

Oh.

Hello. Is anyone there?

Oh, hello.

Good evening.

Oh, you poor thing. You're soaked.

Yes, it's been raining, you see.

Come inside. Come inside.
Come on, quickly.

Peter, move up.

Move up, Peter.

Move up.

Hello. Feeling better?

Yes, thank you.

Here. Get those things off.

Come on, Peter, give the
poor old chap a hand.

Will you? Yes, if you could
just get the pack off.

Nearly off. No, wait a
minute. That side now.

That's it. Thank you very much.

Oh, you're all wet.

Don't worry. Peter doesn't
mind a drop of water.

No, I love it.

By the way, I'm Harriet Potter
and this is my husband Peter.

How do you do? My name is
Muggins. Charlie Muggins.

That doesn't surprise me.

I've lost my tent and I've
been searching around

looking for somewhere
to spend the night.

Oh, dear. You're miles
from anywhere here.

Yes.

- Why not stay the night here?
- May I?

Yes.

No. I mean, Mr Muggins
hardly knows us.

We don't want to embarrass him.

- You're not shy, are you?
- No.

Well, of course you're not.

After all, with us, it's
just down to the old

undies and into the
bag, isn't it, Peter?

Well, perhaps Mr Muggins
doesn't like watching

people getting stripped
down to their old undies.

Oh, I don't mind.
That is if you and

your husband don't
wish to be alone.

What on earth for?

Oh. I see what you mean.

Oh, we gave up all that sort of
thing years ago, didn't we, Peter?

Yes, you did, didn't you?

I still have my
little cot with me,

if you're sure
there's room for it.

Yes, of course. Put
it up the middle.

Peter will give you a hand to
get it out, won't you, dear?

Oh, gladly.

That's it. Now, pull.

Oh. Oh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ah.

Look, how much longer
are you going to be?

Nearly finished.

Well, you said that
nearly an hour ago.

- That's it, Bernie, get the beds.
- Righto.

Oh.

Agh.

I'm terribly sorry. Here, let me.

- No, no, no. My nightie.
- What?

- My nightie.
- Oh.

Mr Tanner.

Well, I fell over her and
accidentally pulled it off.

I'm quite sure Barbara's big
enough to put it back on herself.

Oh, yes, she's big
enough, all right.

- Oh.
- I mean...

Good night.

You two get to bed.

I'll deal with you in the morning.

I'll fix that old bag someday.

Give us a hand.

Back to Room 16 and
don't hog the bed.

Dr Soaper's coming.

Here, I've got an idea. Come here.

Off to beddy-byes now, girls.
Get a good night's sleep.

Yes, Dr Soaper, and
the same to you.

Thank you. Good night.

Oh.

Matron, this is the men's.

- Go away, Dr Soaper.
- I'm sorry.

No, Matron, I assure you,
the mistake is yours.

It's quite clearly marked...

Oh. Oh, I...

Dr Soaper, I must confess, I'm
not an expert in these matters,

but I hardly think a
shower stall is a

suitable place for
making advances.

I thought I'd got hold
of the shower tap.

- I mean...
- Oh.

But, Matron, I...

Come on, girls,
everything's ready for you.

Oh. Oh, it's lovely and
cosy, isn't it, Anthea?

Lovely.

Worth waiting for, weren't it?

Beds are all made up, there's a

light and hangers
for your clothes.

That's in case you want to go out.

And that's in case you don't.

Well, you have done it nice
and there's so much room.

Yes, you could get
four in there easy...

if you had to.

Yes, well, let's put
up the other tent.

Do you have to? You're soaking wet

already and it's
started to rain again.

We've got to kip somewhere.

Yes, I suppose so.

What's a drop of pleurisy, anyway?

Night, Bernie.

Hey, wait. Look, I've had an idea.

Yes?

Well, it seems silly to get wet
again putting up the other tent.

That's exactly what
we thought. So?

So, why don't you both
sleep in the car?

Would you please stop barging?

I'm sorry, I'm trying to get my
sock off and I can't find the top.

That's my leg, Mr Muggins.

Oh, sorry.

It was my fault. I was too close.

What are you...?

Would you mind, please?

It's so difficult when you're...

It'll be much better
when I get my pants off.

- Mrs Potter...
- Mm?

You're getting mine off.

Oh, good heavens.
I'm terribly sorry.

There's so little room in here.

Oh.

Oh, just a minute.

- Ooh. You keep pushing.
- Would you...

Would you please get
out of my pyjamas?

I can't move.

- Mr Potter.
- Mr Muggins.

Ooh, what's happening?

- Oh, Mr Muggins, please.
- You've made a mistake.

I know you didn't mean... really.

- Do you mind?
- No, it was silly of me.

Keep it to yourself. I've
got my own, you see?

Oh. There you are.

That's not the other bed,
that's the rubber dinghy.

A real bargain, that was.
Self-inflating an' all.

What do we want a self-inflating
rubber dinghy for?

We'll need it when
we get to the beach.

If we get much more of this
rain, we'll need it here.

Get your sopping clothes
off my bed. Get up.

Sorry.

Evening.

Ah.

Try this way. Turn over here.

- Ah, that's it.
- Aha. Well done. That's fine.

You'll be all right
there, Mr Muggins.

Thank you. I only hope I
didn't disturb you too much.

Oh, no. Not at all.

- Good night, all.
- Night.

Good night, Mrs Potter.

Good night.

Er, excuse me,

I think you'd better have my cot.

I'll sleep in the middle.

All right.

You've got my sleeping bag.

You are kind.

Night.

Girls. Get back to your room.

I want no more trouble tonight.

Yes, Matron.

You stay here and keep watch.

- Move over.
- Ah.

Ah.

Dr Soaper.

Bless you.

And you.

Oh, blimey.

Bernie, it's raining.

Hang on a minute.

Thank you.

Now for Gawd's sake,
let's get some sleep.

I'm ready.

- What about the light?
- Ok.

What are you doing?

Oh, come on out, quick,
Anthea, it's a smashing day.

Oh oh, yes, it's lovely.

Where are the boys?

Oh.

What did you want to do that for?

Right. Let's go.

Darling, is it quite fair on Mr
Muggins to leave him like this?

Yes. Now, stop talking
and get out of here.

Ah, there you are.
Good morning, girls.

Good morning, Dr Soaper.

Hurry up now. The
coach is waiting.

Sorry we busted in on you
like that last night,

sir. I hope we didn't
ruin things for you.

Not at all. It was just
a misunderstanding

over the room numbers,
you understand.

Of course, sir.

I wonder how it could
have happened.

The doors were all
marked so clearly, sir.

Well, no harm done. I was
only in there for a bit.

Of course, sir. No harm
in a bit now and then.

Good morning, Matron. I was just

explaining to the girls
about last night.

No, please don't
say anything more.

I fear I owe you an apology.

Not at all. You weren't to
know I was in the wrong room.

Oh, no, please. I have
been thinking about it.

I should never have
screamed out like

that. It was most immature of me.

Oh, I wouldn't say that... What?

You see, I've always led
a very sheltered life.

And before this, no man has ever

tried to force his
attentions on me.

I can well believe
it. All the same...

But I am not a child.

I am aware that a man has
these uncontrollable urges

from time to time.

Only at Christmas
and bank holidays.

I should really feel
very flattered that

you would want to
release them on me.

Oh, but I don't,
Matron, I assure you.

Oh, I realise, of course,

it was the sight of
me in the shower

that aroused your
slumbering manhood.

Oh, but it wasn't slumbering,
it was only half...

No, please don't say any more.
Just be patient with me.

Remember, I am inexperienced
in such things.

Just don't rush me.

I think you'll find
it's worth waiting for.

Yes, so's Christmas, but you won't
find me stuffing your turkey.

Well, if this is
paradise, give me hell.

I will if you don't stop moaning.

What have I got to
be cheerful about?

Well, I thought we might
come again next year.

Over my dead body.

To tell you the truth, we were
a bit worried, weren't we?

Yes.

Worried? What about?

Oh, it's silly, I know, but we

thought all coming
camping together,

you two boys might
have tried it on.

That's funny. Sid and me
thought that, didn't we?

Did we?

- How do you do, all?
- Hello, Mr Fiddler.

What's this, then?
Caught colds, have you?

Oh, no, just giving our
feet some air, that's all.

You've settled in all right, then?

Yes, very nicely, thank you.

Look, you didn't say nothing
about putting up a clothesline.

Oh, don't you allow them, then?

It's just that it takes
up so much space.

That's why we have to
make a small charge.

Small charge?

Oh, now, look. Just a
nominal one, mind.

A pound?

Oh, no, you can put
four up for a pound.

Get away.

You mean to tell me, you will
let us put up one clothesline,

occupying at least
ten feet of empty

air, for only five shillings?

Ah, no. One's 7s/6d.
Four for a pound.

You skinflint. You scavenger.

Don't worry. We'll come to some
arrangement about the line.

Yes, round your blooming neck.

Sid, you must not talk
to him like that.

Well, he gets on my wick.

Blimey, ten quid we spent
here. Anybody would

think the blooming
field belonged to him.

Sid, my stew.

Argh.

That's it. Pack up. Pack up. We're

getting out of this
joint right now.

Come on. Get this stuff up.

I say, thanks most
awfully for the lift.

That's all right.

Come along, girls.
Collect your bags.

This way.

Such charming company, too.

I say, could I give something
towards the petrol?

Well, you could give
something for all the food.

Ooh, but I'd be delighted.

- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.

Here you are, Sid.
Joan says to put some

of this ointment
on your poor feet.

Never mind about my feet. Get them

tents down and let's
get out of here.

Righto.

Look at that.

What?

- I don't think much of yours.
- Oh, I don't know.

She's got lovely big... blue eyes.

You can have the
one in the blazer.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, are we leaving, or not?

What? A lovely cheap
place like this?

- I don't call ten quid cheap.
- Oh, shut up.

Leaving? You must be barmy.

That's it. Frames up first
and then canvas later.

And there's bedding and
bunks by the coach.

No, no, Barbara. Tent up
first, bunk up later.

Ah, that's it, girls. Very good.

Frames first and then
canvas over later.

Oh, excellent. Well done, Matron.

Oh, well, it seems a little
bit rickety, Doctor.

Is it? Yes, well, of course,
it's fairly easy to get it up,

it's getting it to stay
up, that's what counts.

Oh, you haven't pegged
it down properly.

Oh, you must forgive me, Doctor,
I've never done it before.

Yes, so you told me earlier.

Excuse me.

Oh, Doctor, I suppose you
haven't room for me?

Room for you?

Yes. You see, I happen
to have lost my tent.

My dear man, these tents
are all for young girls.

Oh, well, I'm not fussy.

- Well, I am.
- Oh.

Well, what about the
little one at the far end?

That, sir, is my habitat.

Oh, I do beg your pardon. Do you

know, I thought
that you and she...

Certainly not.

Oh, in that case, I don't
mind sharing with her.

Well, you're certainly not fussy.

Here we are again, Mr Fiddler.

Welcome back, Mrs
Potter, Mr Potter.

Oh, thank you. Did
you get our booking?

Ah, yes. Now about
that, Mrs Potter...

I've got a bit of a shock.

You mean, there's no room?

Oh, no, I can always manage to

squeeze old customers
in all right.

Oh.

It's just that overheads
have gone up so much

since you were here
last. I've had to...

How much more this
year, Mr Fiddler?

A pound.

Oh, we quite understand.

You might, I don't.

Just what overheads do you have,
Mr Fiddler? It's only a field.

To you, Mr Potter, maybe.

Take that grass, it don't
grow by itself, you know.

It has to be manured regular.

And manure's gone up by
ten pound a load now.

Sounds a real bargain
to me, Mr Fiddler.

What is it? Second-hand?

Mrs Potter, hello.

Mrs Potter, I'm coming.

Oh, look, darling.
Look, it's Mr Muggins.

Yeah, well, your problems
are solved, Mr Fiddler.

At least, you won't have
to buy any more manure.

- Supper's ready.
- Good. I'm starving.

Where are the boys?

It's awfully sweet of you
to help us like this.

It's nothing. It's a
pleasure, isn't it, Bern?

Oh, yeah. Especially when you're
as well-equipped as you are.

Thanks for the compliment.

No, I meant with
camping equipment.

Don't spoil it.

Are you two here on your own?

Oh, no, we've got our girlfr...

- Ow.
- Sorry.

Were you going to say you've
got girlfriends with you?

No, he always calls
them that. They're

relations, actually. Aunties.

Oh, well, then, they won't mind
you being with us, will they?

Mind? They'll be tickled pink.

Now, remember, girls, the camp

perimeter lights go
out at ten o'clock

and I don't want to see any of you
outside your tents after that.

There'll be usual
PT at seven thirty,

followed by breakfast at eight,

and then I'll be taking you all
on a lovely nature ramble.

Lunch at one o'clock,

and then I'll be
giving a lecture on

birdsong and the calls of nature.

All right. I'll show you once
again. Are you watching?

Right. Here we go now. Now
you see it. Now you don't.

That's it.

Wrong again. That's three
kisses you owe me.

What is going on here?

Oh, these two gentlemen have been

kindly helping us
with our tents, sir.

Yes, very nice, but you mustn't
let them take advantage of you.

- Oh, no, we'll try not to, sir.
- I'm talking to the gentlemen.

We're only too happy
to be of assistance.

It's very kind of you,
but I'd like to see you

get everything organised
inside the tent.

- That suits us.
- I was talking to the girls.

Bunks and bedding.

Oh, yes, well, Jane's just
gone to get hers, sir.

And it's high time you got yours.

And I was talking to the girls.

Come on, Fanny, we'd
better get cracking.

You don't want to
take that. It's too

heavy. You might do
yourself an injury.

That's all right. I can manage.

Can you? Go and get some
more for the others.

Here, what are you doing in here?

We've come to give you a
couple of hands, that's all.

If Dr Soaper sees you here,
we'll get into awful trouble.

We've just got to make sure he
doesn't see us, haven't we?

Well, it must go together somehow.

Well, hurry up,
before someone comes.

Perhaps you have
to pull something.

How about those two things
sticking out in front?

Yeah, how about them.

Oh, saucy.

Come on. How much longer
are you going to be?

Sorry. But it's not going
to work like this.

We'll have to try it
the other way round.

Come on. Stop messing
around. You two.

Give us the bed. Let me
and Babs show you how.

- What do you want me to do?
- Grab hold of this.

No. Both hands.

Oh, it's all right.
It's only your aunties.

Bend. Bend. Bend.
Bend. Bend. Bend.

Bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend. Bend. Bend. Bend.

Bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend. Bend. Bend.
Bend. Bend. Bend.

And up.

And down.

And up.

And down.

And up.

And down.

Now. Really touch
those toes. Barbara.

And up.

And rest.

Now, legs astride.

Arms flinging from
side to side. Begin.

And fling. And in.

And fling. And in.

And both arms fling.

Now, really let's see
those chests come out.

And fling. And in.

And fling.

And in. And fling.

Oh oh, Matron, take them away.

Ah.

If you were a gentleman,
you'd close your eyes.

Stop laughing.

Now that Barbara's fallen out...

Stop laughing.

We will continue. Hands on hips.

Bending from side to side. Begin.

Bend. Bend. Bend. Bend. Bend.

Bend. That's enough for today.

After you've all had a
shower and breakfast,

you'll be pleased to
hear I've been able

to arrange a lovely
outing for you all

to the famous mineral
drink-producing

monastery at Standfast,

where you can actually see the
monks making their own water.

Dismissed.

Oh, you're up already, dear. Are
you ready for some breakfast?

I am. Did you have a good night?

Oh, not bad.

One of the girls from
across the way came over,

and dragged me out of the
tent, took me into the woods.

I'm afraid it's only
eggs this morning. Mr...

Muggins finished all
the bacon last night.

How surprising.

- Did you sleep well, dear?
- Not very, no.

You see, this girl kept waking
me up to make love to her.

Oh, poor Mr Muggins. You know,
he does need feeding up.

- Harriet.
- What's the matter, dear?

Don't you think it's
time Mr Muggins

got another tent to himself?

Oh, darling, we couldn't chuck him
out like that. He's so helpless.

You mean hopeless.

You're just a bit
grumpy this morning.

- Perhaps you had a bad night?
- No, not really, no.

Mind you, it got a bit
rough when the rest

of the girls came
across and joined us.

I just couldn't satisfy them.

You know, I wouldn't have
minded a bit of that myself.

- A bit of what?
- That bacon. Pity he finished it.

Frustrated? What do you
mean, you feel frustrated?

What did Fiddler say
to you yesterday

when you asked him for some eggs?

- He said he was not getting any.
- Exactly.

It's six days now and those
birds are ready to be friendly.

They're friendly, all right. Mr...

Fiddler says they're
just not laying.

Not the blooming chickens.

I mean, Babs,

- and the other.
- Fanny?

Yeah, that's it.

Maybe if we could
get hold of 'em...

Yes, but how? How?

With those four beady
eyes watching us?

Morning.

Hurry, girls. No dawdling.

See that? They gave
us a little wave.

Yeah, fat lot of
good that'll do you.

Pity we don't share
the same ablutions.

Yeah.

Get your wash things.

- I had a wash yesterday.
- You'll have another one today.

- But I'm on holiday.
- Oh, come on. Come on.

This way, girls.

- Hello there.
- Hello.

What are you doing? We
haven't come here to wash.

But you said I was going
to have another...

What are you up to?

They can't stop us talking
through the wall.

Hey, hurry up, Barbara.

Oh, just a minute. I've
only just got in, dear.

"Of course. Sir.
Sorry we busted in

on you like that last night, sir."

I can hear her just the
other side of the wall.

- Who?
- Babs, I think.

Hey, look.

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

You'll break out in boils.

It's Babs. I recognise
the dimples.

Hey, Babs.

It's me. Sid Boggle.

Can you hear me?

Only just. You'll have
to speak up a bit.

I was wondering if we could
meet up somewhere tonight.

Meet where?

Hello?

Sid, watch it.

Hello?

Sid.

Are you still there?

Sid, are you still there?

Barbara, who are you talking to?

Ooh. Ooh, no one, Matron.

Come out of there immediately.

I thought so.

Disgusting brutes.

What is it? What's the matter?

Some man's been looking at us.

Are you there?

Get out of here. Quick.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

Filthy beasts.

Disgusting be...

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

I've had another letter
from Mum. She's worried.

- Oh? What about this time?
- Oh, the usual.

"I had a nasty dream last
night about you and Anthea.

You were asleep in your tent,

and these two big,
lusty farm hands broke

in and cultivated
your friendship."

Mm. Chance would be a fine thing.

Anthea.

Oh oh, I'm sorry.

It just sort of slipped out.

Oh oh, look, there they are.

Murder, inn't it? Like
having a permanent

itch and nothing to
scratch it with.

Do you really think they fancy us?

Fancy us? Your
trouble is you don't

recognise a green light
when you see it.

I haven't had much luck
with the red ones, either.

- Where do you think you're going?
- For a walk.

- On tiptoe?
- I didn't want to wake you.

Now, look, don't you
kid me, Sid Boggle.

You're eyeing those
two flashy birds.

- What two flashy birds?
- She means Babs and Fanny.

- Who asked you?
- I was only trying to help.

I didn't even notice them.

You haven't stopped eyeing
them ever since they came.

Can I help it if they
stand where I'm staring?

Not content with bags
under your eyes,

you want them in front
of you as well.

Hello, everyone. Lovely afternoon.

Hello, Mrs Potter. Yes, lovely.

I thought you ought to
know that this evening

Dr Soaper is giving us a
lecture on bird-watching.

Thanks. I've already had one.

Don't take any notice of him,
Mrs Potter. We'll be there.

Oh, good-oh. Seven o'clock.
In front of the latrines.

That'll be a good
atmosphere for it.

I say, you haven't seen...
my husband, have you?

Afraid not.

- He seems to have disappeared.
- He's a good judge.

Come along, girls.

Quickly now.

Come on.

That's right.

And remember, don't go asking
the monks any stupid questions,

because they've given up talking.

And no saucy looks.

Because they've
given that up, too.

Are we all ready to go?

Yes, Dr Soaper, all
except Jane. She wasn't

feeling well, so I told
her to stay in bed.

What have you done to your eye?

I got a fly in it.

There goes Dr Soaper's party now.

I say, have you visited
Standfast Abbey?

Er, no.

You should, you know. A most
extraordinary order of monks.

Well, in that case,
I'd rather not.

Oh, well. I'd better find
the old pot and pan.

Bye.

She's quite right,
you know. We ought

to see everything there is to see.

You weren't doing so badly this
morning in the ablutions hut.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

No?

All right. Get your
things. Let's go.

No, thank you.

All right, Bernie,
you and me'll go.

Where to?

That place. Standfast Abbey.

Oh, you mean, where
the girls have gone?

Sorry.

Get your things, Anth.

Mr Muggins, much as I enjoy
your excellent company...

That's a blasted lie for a start.

I must be completely honest,

only polite.

My dear Mr Muggins,

it's only a suggestion,

but why don't you
take your stinking

carcass out of our bloody tent?

If only I had the nerve.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

You're from the camping
site, aren't you?

Mm.

I've seen you with
that funny woman

and that scrawny little man.

I don't like them much.

- Sit down and join the club.
- All right.

I like you, though.

Having fun?

Not much.

- Oh, would you like some?
- No, I don't drink.

Pity.

Oh, cigarette?

- I don't smoke.
- Oh.

But we can go to my
tent if you like.

The others are all away.

Well?

Come on, then.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Oh, I like this one of the
monks doing their laundry.

Oh oh, lovely.

I suppose that's where they
get rid of their dirty habit.

That is not very funny, Bernie.

Has Sid got a...

Well, where is he? Where's Sid?

Oh, he's just crept into
the crypt for a... smoke.

Psst. Psst.

How about a bit of fun tonight?

Not half, brother. We'll
be over after lights out.

Bless you, my children.

Oh, there you are. Where
have you been all afternoon?

I have been lying in the
arms of a beautiful girl.

I was getting worried.
You missed your tea.

Harriet.

Still, you're in time for supper.

- Harriet.
- What is it, dear?

Where is Mr Muggins?

Oh, he's in the tent.

Oh, Peter, don't go in.
He's having a nap.

Peter, what's come over you?

Ooh.

And stay out.

And now, Harriet, I'd
like you inside, please.

What for?

- You'll find out.
- Oh.

But what about the sup...?

Oh, so glad you reminded me.

Urgh.

Oh.

Oh. Peter.

I wonder if he's offended
about something.

I keep telling you,
Bernie, as soon as the

lights go out, they're
coming in here.

- Go on. What for?
- A party.

Shouldn't we get some cakes?

Not that kind of a party.
Bernie, we have got it made.

All we've got to do is
play our cards right.

Oh. I hope they play rummy.

Forget it. Just hide the bottles.

Supposing Joan and
Anthea find out?

They'll be asleep by then.

But what if they hear a noise
and get up to investigate?

I've thought of that.

A needle and thread?

That's it. As soon as
it gets dark, we nip

out and sew their
tent flaps together.

Dr Soaper.

Yes, what is it, Matron?

I must see you on a
personal matter.

Oh, I can't come out now.

I'll see you in the morning.

Very well. If you won't
come out, I'll come in.

No.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, oh, oh, no.

No, Matron, I was just
taking a short cut.

I don't know why,
Doctor, but I have

a feeling you're
trying to avoid me.

Oh, no. Whatever
gave you that idea?

But you shouldn't be
in here, you know.

Think of the girls.
They need watching.

- Oh, to hell with the girls.
- To hell with the gir... Matron.

I can't help it. It's not
fair to ignore a woman

after you've aroused
her dormant passion.

But I've not aroused your doormat
ration... your dormant passion.

Oh, but you have.

All my life I've been like
an unused clockwork toy,

and then that night at the
hostel you wound me up.

Now you must start me.

Oh, I couldn't. I might
bust your spring.

Here, you want to see
what's going on in

the next field. Some
sort of a rave-up.

Really?

Yes. Come on. It's going
to go on all night.

All night? What about the old hag?

Don't worry about her.
She's in with old Soaper.

- Oh, good. Come on, girls.
- Come on. There's a rave-up.

Quick.

Ooh.

Ooh-ooh.

What time is it now, Sid?

Oh, blimey, it's only eight
o'clock. Will you relax?

Eight o'clock? Another
two hours to wait.

I'll be worn out by the
time they get here.

Oh.

You don't know how empty
my life has been.

Before I came to your school,
I was matron at a hospital.

There was a doctor there. He was

brilliant. He looked
just like you.

I worshipped him,
but he ignored it.

Why, whenever I show any interest
in a man, do they ignore it?

Why? Haven't I got appeal?

Yes, but so's a banana and
I don't even want that.

But I feel you're
different, Doctor.

Don't you feel something?

No. I believe in keeping
my hands to myself.

But that night in the hostel, you
showed me your true feelings.

Now I beg you, let
me show you mine.

- But I don't want to see yours.
- Don't fight it.

Oh, help. Someone, help.

What's that? What's going on?

I don't know, but
thank heavens for it.

It's in the next field.

Matron, they've got
our girls in there.

Oh.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, I say.

Stop it. Come along,
Barbara. Stop it.

Get back to your tent at once.
You've got no right to be here.

Come along. I'm not
having any of this.

We're only dancing, sir.

Come along. Get back to your tent.

How dare you behave
in this manner.

It's not my fault. It's
Farmer Giles's field

and he's given permission
for them to use it.

But we can't stand
that row all night.

How are we going to get any sleep?

From what I hear, you wasn't
reckoning on doing much sleeping.

The point is, what are
we going to do about

it? I can't have my wife
upset by that noise.

You think she's upset? You should
see what it's done to my hens.

I couldn't care less about them.

Never mind your blooming hens.

Look, just a minute. If
you really want to get

rid of them, I think I
know how we can do it.

The girls are all back now,
Doctor. How are you feeling?

I'm all right. I'm just a
bit shaken up, that's all.

Come on.

They're going.

Here, Bernie, we can get on
with that party of ours now.

That'll teach them. I wish the
girls could see this now, Matron.

The girls are in that
truck. Stop. Stop, I say.

Hey, they've taken all the girls.

- What, all of 'em?
- Every flaming one.

Quickly, Matron, we
must go after them.

Whoo-hoo.

Peter, look, they've
stolen our tandem.

Stop. Come back, I say.

Stop. I'll report
you to the board.

Stop. Do you hear?

- Good.
- What?

We won't need it when we go
to Monte Carlo next year.

- Monte Carlo?
- That's right.

We'll go on the ferry... with
all the camping equipment.

Oh, what a good idea.

And when we're halfway
across, we'll

dump the whole damned
lot over the side.

Oh, Peter.

Anything you say, darling.

- Oh, well, there goes our party.
- What party?

Babs and Fanny were coming
over to our tent and...

Big mouth.

Well, I don't know
what you're bothering

with them for when you've got us.

You mean, you'll let me...

Unless, of course, we don't
appeal to you in that way.

Let's go to your tent.

Come on.

You're not going to be
sick again, are you?

Only if you stop that.

Oh, Bernie.

Coo-ee.

Coo-ee.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my Gawd.

Oh, Anth.

I've been so worried
about you, I thought

I'd better come and
keep an eye on things.

- Very thoughtful.
- Hello, Mother.

Well. Aren't you
going to ask me in?

Look.

Ah.

Oh, Gawd.

Oh, dear, the ram's loose.

That's not the only one.