All language subtitles for 7x03 - Frank Reynolds Little Beauties

[ Dennis] We never had kings
in this country. [ Dee] No.

[ Dennis] That was the whole point
of this country. We didn't want a king.

[ Dee ]
We didn't want the king.

Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys!

Oh!

CDh! [ Charlie ] Are you okay?

[All Laughing]

[G - Omroamng] Oh!

I think you broke
yournose.

I'm screwed. I'm screwed.

Ah!

Oh, strange man, titty bar.

A great investment opportunity.

Beauty pageant.

Are you getting it?
Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.

You met a strange man
at a titty bar...

who offered you a great opportunity
to invest in a beauty pageant?

Everything looked very legit.

It was all in place.
He had all the connections.

He wanted somebody
to front the money- me.

Okay, fine. I've always wanted
to do a beauty pageant.

Stop. WhY?

Because you make
a lot of cash...

and you ogle some broads.

I don't question
that aspect of it.

That seems right
up your alley, bro.

This jerk gets pinched for coming
on to one of the contestants,

and now it looks
like a whole scam.

And if I don't legitimize
this thing,

everybody's gonna
think I'm just like him.

- Why don't you just drop the whole thing?
- I can't, Charlie.

It's already going. it's in motion.

I mean, it's really a mess.

Any second now, there's gonna be broads
walking through that door in swimsuits.

- Awesome.
- That's a good thing.

I don't see what
the problem is here, Frank.

Oh, Oh, Oh!

Looks like somebody
forgot their swimsuit.

Come on, girls.

That's the problem.

[ Dennis ]
A kids' pageant?

I didn't know.
Are you kidding me?

I didn't know
it was a kids' pageant.

The guy didn't make that clear.
Now I'm lumped in with a diddler.

- What am I gonna do?
- This is a mess.

I don't know
what the big deal is.

I did pageants all the time
when I was little.

The big deal?

Mothers force their kids into this...

so that they can
dress 'em up like dolls...

and parade them around
like sex objects.

- It's creepy.
- My mother didn't force me into it.

- I entered them myself.
- Yeah, that's true.

When Dee used to enter
pageants when we were kids,

Mom used to tell her not to waste her
time, because she isn't pretty enough.

She would say that, and then I would jam
it right in her face when I'd win them.

How would you win pageants?
Did you have a different face?

No, she was a dog back then too.
It's just that she worked at it.

She used to go to tanning,
and she practiced with her makeup.

I'll give you that. You did a lot
of that practicing. Thanks, Frank.

Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change
your thinking about child pageants.

Child pageants- that's American
tradition right there.

Child pageantry?

Think about it.
In other countries,

women that can't show
their ankles, right?

They got to be in those
big black tarps or whatever.

Mm-hmm.
In America,

we can show toddlers
in tiny bikinis.

- We can make them tan, because
that's our right. - [Dee] Mm-hmm.

As Americans, okay?

Child pageantry is an essential
part of the American fabric.

You know what? We should
dress up our little kids...

just to show other people
that we can.

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

I never thought about it that way.
This is about freedom, isn't it?

- Mm-hmm.
- We can do whatever we want with our kids.

Yeah. And that's what
America is all about.

You know what you
just did, Charlie?

You just loaded up
that train with coal,

Yes! and now it's ready
to tear down the tracks.

- That was inspiring as hell.
- Let's throw ourselves a pageant!

- Let's do a child pageant.
- [Dee] U.S.A.

[All Chanting ]
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

[ Chattering ]

Okay. Okay. Thank you.
Thank you. Good.

Calm down, everybody.
Calm down. Calm down.

Thanks for coming to
Frank's Little Beauties.

I wanna thank you all
for participating.

I know some of you may have
heard about that other guy.

I am not gonna diddle your kids.

I'm not like that.
That's not my thing.

I met that guy in a titty bar.
That's enough.

It's like a-
That's enough.

Hi there. Dee Reynolds,
former pageant winner.

I know how these things work,

so, uh, your kids
are in good hands.

Go ahead and talk
amongst yourselves.

Frank, will you- Frank, your nose
is bleeding all over the place.

Do I look suspicious?

You look grotesque.

♪♪ [ Piano Note]
♪ Magic night for us ♪

♪ A magical night ♪

“Magids in the air.”

♪ Magids ♪ ♪ Magids
in the air; [ Scats ]

[Laughs] See, this is fun.
'Yeah.

We shouldn't be looking
at this pageant as a problem.

We should be looking at this
as an opportunity...

to do something
we've never done before.

This is right in our wheelhouse.
I'm having a blast putting this-

Hey, I'm thinking maybe we could
actually be in this thing.

I'm glad you said it, because I'm
desperate to be in this thing.

I didn't realize it was
even a conversation. Oh!

I always assumed
we would be heavily involved.

This is bad.

We gotta definitely write a song
about how we do not diddle kids.

♪ Do not diddle kids ♪

♪ it's no good diddling kids ♪♪

There is no quicker way for people to
think that you are diddling kids...

than by writing
a song about it.

You gotta write a song.
It's like-

♪ Ooh, I wouldn't do it with
anybody younger than my daughter ♪

♪ And no little kids ♪

♪ Gotta be big
Older than my wife ♪

♪ Older than my daughter ♪♪

Something like that.

[ Panting ]

Don't write a song about that.
No.

I'm cloudy. I got a headache.

Uh, excuse me.
Who's in charge here?

Well, usually that's whoever
yells the loudest,

but I am the only one here
right now, so I am in charge.

Oh, hi. Uh, my name
is Walter Harris. Hi.

I'm with the Family Association
for the Protection of Children.

No! Ooh, ooh.

Okay.

Uh, you know, I-
I'm-I'm pretty much-

I'm in charge of this,
the chairs and...

setting up... the chairs.
Mm.

But there's a guy.
Uh- Uh, there's a fat guy.

Uh, his face is busted to bits,
and he- he's in charge.

He's- He's the guy
that you wanna talk to.

He might be this way,
so I'll go-

I'm gonna go back here
and look for him.

Uh, you check it out
around the corner.

Real jacked-up face
and fat.

So, how's everyone doing today?
ls everyone feeling safe'?

The F.A.P.C., huh?

That's what he said. They're
siccing the clogs afierus.

- We're screwed.
- Hey, We're fine, Frank.

We got nothing to hide.
Yeah, you know what?

To be honest with you,
I'm glad he's gonna observe us.

Somebody should be
looking out for these kids.

Yeah, those mothers just left
their kids here in a bar...

with complete strangers
in a pageant that's under investigation.

[Laughing]

They're terrible parents.

Yeah.
This is a mess!

Frank, go lay down and put
some ice on your face,

'cause you look terrible.

Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for
God's sake. [ Charlie ] Relax.

Go. Go. We'll take care
of everything in here.

Everything3 gonna be fine, Frank.
Yeah, we got it. We got it.

[ Door Closes ] [ Mac]
it's all gonna be fine.

Now, you pinned
the whole thing on him, right?

- Oh, yeah, of course I did.
- Good, good, good.

Good thinking.

Okay, ladies, chins up,
hands down, step forward.

One, two, three, one, two.

Fan, turn. Hit it! Stick it!

Let me see it!

Pose!

Come on! Hit the line.
Get in line.

What is this? Guys, we
gotta put on a show!

I thought you
were professionals.

That's what I'm looking for,
and I don't see professionals.

I see amateurs.

I see trash-

little pieces of trash
on my stage.

You guys are dummies.
It's not even hard.

You are dumb.

It's not hard.

Samantha's mean.

Samantha gets to be mean...

because Samantha
is a star, okay?

Maybe one day you'll be a star, but
right now you're not. You're junk.

I have to go to the bathroom.
You belong in the bathroom.

Go! Let's take a five.
Let's take a break.

I'm so upset.
Are you okay? You're doing great.

We'll be dressed very stylishly
for the performance.

It's gonna be a great
performance, Walter, very classy.

I look forward to seeing it. Just make
sure that the children are featured.

That is who this is about.

Yeah.
Yeah.

[ Stammering ]
It's about the kids.

Absolutely. All about the kids, yeah.
Absolutely, yeah. No, totally.

Walter, you wanna come sit with us?
Yeah, come sit with-

[ Charlie ] You lost him.
Hello, everybody.

He's all business, that guy, you know?
He is all over us, man.

We gotta put on a good show,
you guys. We got to.

Hello. That was some pretty
impressive work out there, Samantha.

Excuse me.
I'm eating my lunch.

Well, don't get sassy with me.
I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

You know,
I see a lot of myself in you.

You're not like me.
You're ugly.

[ Gasps ] You don't say-
That's not something you say.

Y- You're mean.
You're the meanest girl in the world.

Okay, you know what?

You better thank your lucky stars
I'm not in this competition...

because I would eat you
for breakfast.

You're driving me nuts.

I don't like your hair. it's dumb.

Your hair looks like it's dead.
All right, that's it.

You listen to me.
All hair is technically dead,

you stupid idiot smarty-pants,
stupid, stupid idiot.

You better watch yourself, Samantha.
Do you hear me?

Because I am coming for you.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Terrible breath.

[ Gasps ]

[Wheezing ]

Wheezing.

Dude, you're wheezing now.
Slow down.

Breathe and eat separately.

This is what America
is about, okay?

Being able to eat at any rate
you want to eat. Shut- Shut up.

Stop making all of these things about
America. You're fat, not because of America-

Can we just change
the conversation?

Can we just focus
on something else?

Did you guys see
the boy that's here?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

[ Charlie ]
What's that all about?

I imagine Dad
probably skipped town.

Mom always wanted a daughter, so she
sticks her little boy in the pageant...

so she can play out her little
fantasies about having a little girl.

That kid does not want
to be here, you know.

A kid like this
needs guidance.

He needs real men
showing him what it's like-

Would you like to see my dance?

Tsk. Uh, yeah.

Yeah.
Sure.

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,r

♪ A Yankee Doodle, do or die ♪

♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪

I don't think this boy
is being pushed into this at all.

This is a boy who genuinely
loves pageantry. Yeah.

♪♪ [Humming]

You know what? I bet he's
never won one of these.

We should help him win.

For once let's let the boys
in America win. Totally.

Well, maybe we could make a few adjustments
to the song, maybe update it a little bit.

Yes, the song
needs an update.

All these old patriotic songs
need updates.

They're like 200 years old. That's
why nobody wants to listen to 'em.

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle Boy ♪♪

Hey!
All right, man.

All right, hey.

[ Dennis]
Good job, Benjamin.

- Hey, Justine.
- Hey.

Could we talk for just a quick sec?

Yeah, I really need to do
my homework, but-

I know, but I'm the adult and I said we were
gonna talk, so that's what's gonna happen.

Listen, I bet you wish you could
win this pageant, don't you?

My mom says
I'm not pretty enough.

Your mom doesn't know dick.
She's a dumb, fat cow.

And your sister- she is a stupid
little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?

You just said
a lot of bad words.

Here's what's
gonna happen, Justine.

You are gonna win this pageant.
You are gonna win this pageant!

And I am gonna be the one
who pushes you to do it.

What do you think about that?
Are you excited?

Are you excited about that? Yeah, I
don't really oare about any of that.

I know, but it's not what you oare about.
it's what I care about.

Okay.
Okay, ready?

Oh, we got a lot of work to do. Screw
this homework, right? Come on!

Great to see you.
Pleasure to meet you.

Thank you so much.
Thank you very-

Guys, Walter's here.
He looks very pleased.

Good. Good. He should.
This is like- Yeah.

[ Mac ] Okay, good. I'm here.

Oh. What on earth did
you do to your face?

- I had it done at a funeral home.
- Why? Why? Why?

Where in the hell am I gonna go, to
the goddamn makeup counter at Maoy's?

You go to a funeral home
to get gruesome repairs.

Look.

You look like you're
at your own wake.

Frank. Frank,
I need some water.

- My mouth is dry.
- Your mouth is dry.

Go into the toilet
and run your mouth under the sink.

Okay. Yeah, can I?
Could I? Can I'?

I have a-
Who's that?

He's the mortician.
I invited him.

You brought the mortioian. Well, that's
not gonna seem strange to anybody at all.

I figure he's a cretin.

Why would I have a cretin like that
near me if I had something to hide?

Associating with a man like that's
not gonna make you look any better.

- Hey, hey, hey. You're on in five.
- Oh, whoa.

- [Charlie] Good.
- Artemis, what are you doing here?

She's working the soundboard, okay?
Relax.

Is that a good idea?

Does she know how to work a soundboard?
Who else are we gonna get?

We don't have a very
deep bench, Dee. Okay.

- I'm gonna go get high before the show.
- Okay.

Seems like a bad idea. Well, don't
get high. it's making us look bad.

I'm sweatin' like a pig.
I gotta get my makeup redone.

Okay, showtime, showtime.
Let's get ready, guys.

Showtime,
showtime, showtime.

Whoa!
Showtime.

L[_lAll]
I ' o! Ho!

♪♪ [ “America The Beautiful”]

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Give me a beat.

♪♪ [ Disco Beat]

♪♪ [ Scatting ]

♪ Magic's in the air;

♪ Lace and silk is everywhere ♪
♪ Lace and silk;

♪ Struttin' with dramatic flair ♪

♪ Dramatic flair;

♪ And bright smiles ♪

♪ So everyone prepare ♪

♪ For something special tonight ♪

♪ Here she is ♪

♪ Frank's Little Beauties ♪

♪ Your heart'll go
into a cardiac arrest ♪

♪ 'Cause Frank's Little Beauties ♪

♪ Are nothing but the-
From state to state and town to town ♪

♪ These girls will turn your frown
upside down ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Who's brass and class
and all that stuff? ♪

♪ These girls'll show you
that they're good enough ♪

♪ They're good, all right ♪

♪ So put your hands together
and settle in ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight we're gettin' down ♪

♪ Only one contestant wins
Frank's Little Beauties crown ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing ]
i.' [$10,198]

Is that it, Artemis?

Very nice performance.

Very nice
and clean performance.

Welcome. Welcome to our
legitimate show of kids.

Uh, very, very, very nice.

Which one of these
talented, uh, entertainers,

who I am not attracted to
at all, will be the winner?

I'm not attracted to any of them,
none of them.

And that's the way it is.

Anyway, everybody put your hands
together and clap for the kids.

Clap. Clap.

And you wave good-bye.

Wave. Wave good-bye.

Go to your dressing rooms.
We're gonna start the show.

Go on.
Bye, Frank.

Okay, just don't touch.
Go on in there.

Their dressing room...
Bye, Frank.

Over there on that side of the stage.

I am going to my dressing room.
We will be right back.

I'm over here.

♪♪ [ Country]

♪♪ [ Hawaiian ]

J)” [Funk]

[Audience Gasping ]

[Audience Ahhing ]

[Whistling ]

Ow! My hair hurts.
I know. I know.

Mine too.
We look good.

Okay, finish up that coffee.
[Groans] I don't like it.

You do too like it.

It doesn't matter whether you like it or not.
You need to be high energy.

- Do you wanna win this thing or not?
-I don't care.

Yes, you do care, all right?
Pop your teeth in.

Pop your teeth in right now.
Really?

Let's see 'em.

You look fantastic.

Now let's go show
those stupid moms, huh?

Mm.
Come on.

J.” [Jazz]

♪ Moms stink ♪

P.U.!

♪ What are you gonna do'? ♪

Yeah!

♪ Me and you should go
into a secret world ♪

♪ Where no one tells us
what to do ♪

♪ Moms are stupid ♪

Doy!

♪ I'd like to throw them all in the trash ♪

Yeah!

♪ They're nothing but a big
humongous pain in the butt;

♪ A big, humongous pain
in my vagina ♪

♪ Moms are ugly)

[Audience Member]
Boo!

[Crickets Chirping ]

[Murmuring]

[ Mechanized Male Voice]
People of Earth,

prepare for the future
of patriotism.

♪ Yankee doodle went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony)

♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪

♪ And called it macarone ♪

♪ Rene, rone, rone, rone ♪

♪ Rene, rone, rone ♪

Hey!

♪♪ [ Techno]

♪ Yankee, Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee doodle ♪

♪ Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee, Yankee doodle ♪

[ Reagan ]
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

[ F.D. R. ]
The only thing we have to fear is...

fear itself.

Hey, hey, what is this?

What are you people doing to my son?
Go back to your seat.

All right, who's in charge here?
Sir, go back to your seat.

♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪

♪ And called it macarone ♪

♪ Rone, rone, rone, rone ♪♪
J.” [ 519,05 I

[Murmuring]

Someone should have
worn a shirt, right?

Probably the kid.
The kid definitely.

Yeah.
It felt uncomfortable.

But at a rave, I feel like that
would have been awesome.

I know, but the kids make it weird.
It did get a little weird.

I can't figure
this tie out here.

[ Microphone Feedback]

[ Frank Through Speakers] I got- I
got a question about you morticians.

You bang the dead bodies?

Mm- No.

[ Frank ]
Imagine stuff like that goes on all the time.

[ Chuckles ]
I don't give a shit.

If I was dead,
you could bang me all you want.

Who cares?

Dead body's like a piece of trash.

Sho vs as much shit in there as
you wan!- Turn his mike down.

I'm trying.
I don't know how.

You don't know how? I don't
know which one it is.

Fill me up with cream.
Turn me into cannoli.

What's going on, you idiot?
Make a stew out' of m y ass.

[ Chattering ]
What"s the big deal?

Bang me, eat me, grind me up into
little pieces, throw me in the river.

Who gives a shit?
You're dead, you're dead.

Oh! Ooh, shit.

Is my mike on?
Oh, God.

- [ Dee ] CDh! - [ Chuckles ]
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Audience Jeering, Hissing ]
That was a mistake.

The janitor got ahold
of the P.A. system.

Puerto Rican guy.
[ Murmuring ]

You know, the kids are great.
Uh, I love the kids.

Not in a sexual way.

No, I was married 20 years,
and she was a bitch,

but she was old, and I never had
a problem getting it up with her.

- What is this?
- Get the girls.

Well- Well- Well, wait.
What-

All right, Artemis, could you, um,
give me a little music, please?

Play something nice.
Play something.

Play him out of here. Play some music.
Yeah, okay, okay.

♪ It's a grand old flag
A high fly-J

I don't this. I do not know this one.

♪♪ [ Stops ]

♪♪ [ 'Amer/ta The Beautiful]
Give me something like-

Walter, come up and help me
and, uh- uh, help the people.

Let's just leave.
Yeah, let's go.

Let's go,
'cause this is a bad-

I just want you to be having a great time.

[ Charlie ] Police.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Whoa. Oh, that's it.

I'm done.
I'm going away.

Get your hands off me, pigs.

Why are you taking Walter?

- Man's a diddler.
- [Audience Members Gasp]

Sick son of a bitch goes around
to all these kids' pageants,

pretends he's an inspector.

We've been looking for him
for a while.

I'm just glad we finally
got him off the street.

[Laughs]
You got your man.

So, there's another
unrelated diddler in the mix?

Well, these things
are just magnets for those people.

It's like throwing a picnic at the beach and
getting pissed when the seagulls show up.

Yeah, you have to expect it.
Totally.

I tell you, children's beauty
pageants are an American tradition,

but not a proud one.
Nope.

I'm gonna go.
Me too.

Let's go,
because it still doesn't-

Wait! Wait! Who won?

Uh- Um, Samantha.

She's the prettiest, right?
Yeah.

Come on.
Yeah.

Yay! I'm the winner!

♪ Yankee, Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee doodle ♪

♪ Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee, Yankee doodle,»

♪ Yankee doodle went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony)

♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪

♪ And called it macaroni ♪♪

[ Voices Speaking Backwards]

English - US - PSDH