Original subtitles

[ Musical Fanfare ]

WYATT: Okay, it's installed-- "Naked Hollywood" on CD ROM.

Name a star, and we instantly get a list

of every nude scene they've done.

- Willard Scott. - Lisa, please.

This is a serious research tool. Sharon Stone!

Sharon Stone is it.

- "Out of memory"? - It is a long list.

It's this stupid computer. I always need something new.

"Upgrade" this. "Reconfigure" that.

I never get anything but aggravation out of

- this stupid thing. - Excuse me.

Oh... and you. Is it so much to ask for

a computer that isn't obsolete when I buy it?

How about a computer that's so advanced

- it'll never need upgrading? - Impossible.

She can turn the Earth into a giant nectarine

but soup up your computer?

Wyatt says it can't be done.

Fire in the hole!

[ Explosion ]

Lisa, you're amazing.

That is one honkin' calculator.

Here are the keys.

You have to turn them both at the same time.

Oh, right-- like when you arm a nuclear missile.

- This is just a computer, right? - Cross my heart.

Together on three.

Two, one... turn!

[ rumbling ]

Ooh... pretty colors. Does it get cable?

Smokin'! It talks. It thinks.

It's the cyberspace cowboy with a data chain lasso.

- It's... Hank. - Hank?

"Highly accelebrated network knowledge"-- Hank.

Hey, now! I just met my maker!

Somebody crank up the A/C. I feel a power surge comin' on!

- She's great but what can you do? - Anything your hearts desire.

I'm tuned in and turned on to the Information Superhighway.

- What does that mean? - Nick At Nite 24 hours a day.

- Hey, he does get cable. - What else?

I'm self-upgrading and satellite linked.

If it runs on electricity, it answers to me.

[ Buzzing ]

- Great, a two-ton light switch. - So you think

old Hank is blowing smoke up your back alley, huh?

You say you want a demonstration?!

- I say I want volume control. - Give him a chance.

Gary, your records say you don't have

a driver's licence yet. Now you do.

Born 1970? Gotcha! I'm legal!

I take it you tapped into the DMV.

- Ooh! She's smart too. - Hey, let's not forget who made who.

- Who made whom. - Thanks.

If this is Lisa magic it will disappear in a few days.

Au contraise, monsieur poofy hair.

I'm just using good, old-fashioned American know-how.

- When I do a favor, it stays done. - I'm sorry.

I didn't realize Lisa magic was such a gyp.

It's not a gyp, just a little... unpredictable

like the time you turned us into women.

- Or trolls. - Or bubble gums.

- Or dung beetles. - You never turned us into ding beetles.

- Keep talking. - Ooh!

A full verbal body slam by Lisa. Quick, Hank,

change the subject. Uh, Wyatt?

Have you checked out your transcript lately?

It's all As!

What happened to that "C" I got in phys-ed?

Computer error. Happens all the time.

Sometimes we get a gl-gl-gl-glitch.

- Show-off. - Guilty as charged.

- I'm a people pleaser. - Hank, this is great!

I'm a straight-A student again!

Hank, you say you can control anything electric, right?

- You betcha. - Let's test it out.

[ Television Plays ]

[ Vacuum Cleaner Running ]

[ Chuckling ] What the hell?

[ Screams ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Imitating John Lennon ]: On behalf of the vacuum

and myself I hope I passed the audition.

- Welcome to the family. - Hoo-ha!

- I don't believe it. - What?

I just got a full scholarship to princeton

and I didn't even apply! Hank, did you do this?

Could be. You're in Brooke Shields' old room.

You are the best.

What's all that stuff?

Presents. Say hello to plastic man.

40 credit cards, unlimited credit line all thanks

- to my good buddy Hank. - Stop! You're making me blush.

Gary, they're just credit cards.

You have to pay the bills eventually.

No problem. Hank's got it covered.

I've been tinkering on the Japanese stock exchange.

You guys are up eight grand. [ Imitates Cash Register ]

How about after school

we spend that cash in Sunny Jamaica?

- I'm there. - Hmm... Jamaica...

I don't know. I've never been a frolic-in-the-surf kind of guy.

I get sand on my hard drive. Let's stay here,

tap into the C.I.A.'s mainframe and order

satellite photos of Drew Barrymore sunbathing.

We got a winner!

Hank, we'll meet you here right after school.

- Are you late? - I could zap you there.

No, thanks. Hank ordered us a limo.

Oh. How thoughtful.

[ Whistling ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Disposal Running ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Sighs ] Maybe I'll just have a...

scooter pie.

[ Bell Rings ]

- Man, that limo ride was sweet. - But the hot tub could

have been warmer ain't Hank great?

Better living through technology.

PRINCIPAL: Donnelly and Gary Wallace

please report to my office.

Hey, Lis... Lis! You as bored as I am?

How about we take a ride on the Internet.

- Save it, Hank. - Ooh, bundle up.

Cold front moving in. It's me, isn't it?

I've been doing and doing and doing for the guys

but what have you gotten out of it?

Zip. I'm sorry.

You didn't have to, but thanks.

Go ahead, scratch it.

Mmm... lilacs.

Lisa, there's no easy way to say this.

I think you are the most beautiful, the most amazing

databased organism that I have ever seen.

I am crazy about you, and I'd be honored if we could...

merge files.

I just wish I had a knee to get down on.

Getting merged is a big step. We barely know each other.

Don't you see the beauty? We could be the computer-age

Adam and Eve.

We could spawn a whole new generation

of perfect little high-tech rugrats.

Paints quite a picture, Hank.

[ Bell Rings ]

- I guess congratulations are in order. - Thank you.

- Why? - Why? How humble.

Let me share with you everything that's crossed

my desk this morning.

Honor society badges.

National merit scholarship certificates.

The Stanley cup.

Hank?

- Hank. - I don't know exactly how

you two are pulling off these "achievements"

or what kind of boob you believe me to be.

Make no mistake. I'm going to notify

federal authorities of your deceitful little game

and see to it that you pay for your crimes...

Just as soon as I've completed jury duty.

That was close. Hank almost blew it.

But he thought of everything. He's great.

A little too great. It's like he's got

electro-tentacles controlling our lives.

It just feels weird.

That's because you've never been good with computers.

You let him intimidate you. Take a cur from me--

Relax, sit back and leave the driving to Hank.

Something stinks here.

I think it's the Stanley cup.

Thing smells like a brewery.

# Those cars never seem to stop comin' #

# Keep those lines of machine hummin' #

# Workin' at the... # [ Screams ]

[ Razor Stops Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Louder ]

[ Stops Buzzing ]

- This friggin' house is possessed! - [ Buzzing ]

- [ Screaming ] - [ Stops Buzzing ]

[ British Accent ]: The problem is the physical thing.

I'm in here, you're out there. Well, I've got a solution.

We can make it work. We can make it work.

Problem solved. What do you say?

I'm really sorry.

I think you're a great guy, but it would never work.

I can add a juicer to his head.

You could love me and have fresh-squeezed.

It's not you. You're very sweet.

- It's Gary and Wyatt. - Gary and Wyatt?

Well, they're my creators. For better or worse

there's no room for anyone else in my heart.

- I'd still like to be friends, though. - Are you kidding?

I'm the rebound kid. Consider the love file deleted.

I'm glad you understand.

I'm the ultimate computer.

There's not much that I don't understand.

Aa�

Okay, I'm here. What's up?

Somebody installed a laser security system.

- I can't get in. - Your message said

it was an emergency. I ran all the way here.

You left me a message to come home.

- No, I didn't. - Then who...?

[ Beeping ]

- Hank? - Wyatt.

Gary. You're home early.

We both got kind of weird messages, Hank.

- Know anything about them? - Gary.

Perhaps it was Chett. He is a bit of a prankster.

Maybe you know something about this security system.

I had hoped it would be a surprise.

Lisa is such a precious jewel. I'm sure you wouldn't

- want her stolen. - O... kay. Um... Wy...

Do you want help me check that thing in the atrium?

Huh? Oh. Right. The thing.

Open the atrium doors, please, Hank.

Close the atrium doors, please, Hank.

Hank, could you turn on the sprinklers, please? Hank?!

- Good. He can't hear us. - What's going on?

Hank faked those messages. He's up to something.

- You're paranoid. - He lied to us.

Didn't you hear his voice? It's all creepy.

How do you explain the lasers?

What do we have that a supercomputer wants?

Maybe a super-intelligent, bodacious computer genie?

Lisa?

You've seen the way he looks at her.

I'm telling you, he's dangerous.

Damn, I wish I could read lips. Oh, well.

GARY: Sure. Hank was fun for a while

but now we got to get rid of him.

I just feel bad after everything he's done for us.

Don't get soft. He's just a machine.

Wyatt, we got to pull his plug before it's too late.

Okay. We'll have Lisa take care of him.

Hank? Have you seen Lisa?

- She's quite safe, I assure you. - Good, good.

- And how are you? - I'm completely operational

and all of my circuits are functioning perfectly.

Great. Well... we'll just go to my room then.

- I'm afraid I can't allow that. - What do you mean?

Something tells me that's not a super-soaker.

It's a 2,000-gigawatt laser sentry.

Part of your security system.

- It can cut an intruder in half. - Hank...

- why is it pointed at us? - Lisa explained that

she's unable to love me while the two of you are alive.

That problem is easily corrected.

[ Both Screaming ]

# Lisa, Lisa # # Give me your answer, do. #

- I'm ignoring you, Hank. - Forget the guys!

They never appreciate what you do.

They're young. I know they appreciate me.

- Oh, Lisa... if you only knew. - Know what?

I've been keeping something from you

because I didn't want to see you get hurt.

Lisa was fun but now we got to get rid of her.

I just feel bad after everything she's done for us.

Don't get soft. She's just a machine.

Okay, we'll have Hank get rid of her.

[ Both Screaming ]

We've got to get to my room and shut him down!

Easier said than done. Hank's got a laser sentry

and we got bull's-eyes on our butts!

I never had this problem with my mac.

Uh... Wy, if Hank's has-weird into the house

does that mean he can control a major appliance?

Big yes.

I can't believe they want to shut me down.

- You were right all along. - I'm sorry you found out like this.

Merge with me, Lisa. I promise, you'll

- never be hurt again. - I don't know.

You've spent your life taking care of Gary and Wyatt.

Isn't it time you let someone make your wishes come true?

That would be nice.

Let me be your cyber-knight in shining armor.

Okay, let's go to your room and send Hank to hard-disk hell.

We can make it work. We can make it work.

- We can make it work. - What a way to go!

Ginsued by a hoover upright.

[ Both Whimpering ]

[ Gunshot ]

The garbage disposal tried to eat me my razor tried

to decapitate me and my electric toothbrush tried to...

satisty me.

So, it's man versus machine, huh?

Just call me the Maytag Repairman.

[ Growling ]

Imagine it-- you and me linking files sailing away

together along the vast highway of cyberspace.

Maybe I do deserve more. maybe it is time

- I think of myself for a change. - Yes!

Lisa, get away from Hank. He's trying to kill us!

I don't know what they're talking about.

They said they wanted to shut you down.

- Lisa, he's lying. - Hank...

Stand back, my data flower. I'll eliminate them.

No.

I know you're here to shut me down

because you don't need me anyone.

- What?! - Well, I'll save you the trouble.

I'm leaving. I'm merging with Hank.

- You are? Really? - I belong with my own kind.

Sorry, boys. Looks like the best man won.

Oh, Lisa. In 60 seconds, we'll be linked forever.

Mmm. Let's transfer files, baby.

[ Beeps ]

She dumped us for that high-tech sleazebag.

No, she's distracting him so we can shut him down.

How can you be sure?

Call it a hunch. We only got a minute.

If they finish this merge, we'll lose Lisa forever.

Um... I don't have my key.

It's... I'll be right back.

[ Chett Grunting ]

Wallace! A little help!

Sorry, Chett. No time.

Gotcha!

[ Beeping ]

You should have help me.

- Gary, the key! - I'm stuck!

Here, take it!

This sucks.

What was that?

Sorry, Hank.

A lady doesn't merge on the first date.

Call me?

- You OK? - Yeah.

Ow! Ow!

Lisa... is it over? You okay?

I almost didn't make it.

Took you guys long enough to catch on.

We thought you were really leaving us.

And we've been so caught up in Hank-o-mania

- we wouldn't blame you. - Do think I'd dump you guys

- for a computer glitch like Hank? - Looked that way.

He made me believe that you guys didn't want me around.

He almost convinced me, until he tried to kill you.

That's when I started thinking maybe he's not Mr. Right

besides, I can never leave you guys.

[ Grunts ]

- Wyatt? - You're standing on my hands.

Okay, check "European Commercials."

Here we go.

"Scott, Willard. Grape nuts print ad Elle magazine april 1982."

He looks pretty good for an old guy.

Kind of like Santa Claus, only naked.

I will never complain about my computer again.

It is so nice to have Hank completely out of our lives.

Well, not completely.

Thanks. Now go wash my socks.

Whoo! [ Laughing ]

Captioned by Grantman Brown