Original subtitles

I'm Dennis.

I live in an ordinary house, in an ordinary street,

in an ordinary town.

But I feel... different.

I go to an ordinary school.

But I feel different there, too.

Put him on an amber alert.

Thank you.

Ah - Lisa James. The serial offender.

Shall I measure her skirt, Mr Hawthorn?

D E N N IS: Lisa james is the coolest girl there.

She's always trying to bring some style to the school.

MISS WINDSOR: (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Dennis?

Que voulez-vous acheter dans le magasin?

Um...

Une voiture?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Mais, c' est une bomangefle'.!

Nous ne vendons pas de voiture dans une boulangerie!

Ecoutez, Dennis. Ecoutez. Isabel?

De... du pain.

Du. Dupain, oui. Du pain, du pain.

The teachers moan that I'm always daydreaming.

Saturdays are the best, cos that means football.

- All right, Darvesh? - Yep.

Hi, jaspreet. Is that a new dupatta?

Yes, thank you, Dennis, it is. Oh, you always notice things!

Wish my son would notice things like that.

I notice you're embarrassing.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD SHOUTS)

Football is the one thing I'm good at.

Go on, Dennis!

The one thing that's mine.

Yes! Goal!

But I still don't feel like I fit in.

Dad doesn't come to watch any more.

But these days he has got a lot on his plate.

(FIGHTING SOUNDS FROM TV)

Oh! I'm knackered just watching that lot.

Sausages are a bit burnt.

And I forgot to put the hob on for the peas, but they'll soon melt.

Things aren't easy in my family.

It was better when Mum was around.

(COUGHS)

When you were with her, you felt like anything could happen.

Come on, everyone! Don't be boring!

Then one day it did.

She left.

After she'd gone, Dad burned eve/y single picture we had of her.

But I managed to save one.

- What you doing? - Shh!

But Dad being Dad, he couldn't resist cooking some sausages at the same time.

I suppose I wanted to escape to some magical world.

And I found it in the most unexpected place.

(SHOP BELLJINGLES)

FEMALE VOICE: (WHISPERS) Dennis!

(WHISPERS) Dennis!

Boys can like Vague too, you know.

(SHOPKEEPER CLEARS THROAT)

33 seconds. That counts as browsing.

Just Match and... (WHISPERS) Vogue.

Uh-huh.

Vogue!

(CHUCKLES) The fashionista's Bible.

An unusual choice for a 12-year-old boy.

Raj, I need to be getting home, so...

Come to think of it, I've never had a boy your age buy Vague.

It's a Christmas present. For my auntie.

Oh, oh, oh! Then you will need a card.

- A card? - Uh-huh. To go with the present.

I have Santa, a snowman, reindeers,

"With deepest sympathy"...

No, no, no. That's not right.

The Santa one is fine.

Then you will want wrapping paper and sticking tape,

and - oh, oh, oh - a gift tag.

That is nine pounds...

(SNIFFS)

Come on, Dennis, strike a pose.

♪ Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away

♪ If you can use some exotic booze

♪ There's a bar in far Bombay

♪ Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away... ♪

- Dennis? - (MUSIC STOPS)

What you doing? (SNIFFS)

Nothing.just...

thinking.

What?

You know how when we were little, we'd dress as pirates and Daleks?

Yeah.

Don't you sort of miss that?

- Nah. Got better things to do now. - Like hang around outside the offy?

Nah, that's boring. We hang around outside the pound shop.

(SNORES)

See you later!

See you very soon. (SHE LAUGHS)

- It's a party! - I'm not 18 years old!

- Why did you agree to have a party? - You're acting like I'm not here!

Think it's shrunk a bit.

- There you go. - Thanks, Dad.

Right, now, the lorry's being serviced today, so I've got a bit of time.

I was going to fix that leaky pipe in your room.

- Where you going? - Forgot my maths book.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hiya, Peter! - Hi, jaspreet.

Dennis'll be down in a sec.

Oh! Not too soon, I hope. I do so enjoy our little chats.

Dennis!

Any sec now. Just...

- Dennis! - (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

Get down here! Here we are.

Hiya.

Bye, Dad.

All the best. Thanks for taking him again.

Oh, no. Not at all, Peter.

And if you need anything, just call.

Anything at all, day or...

night.

Oh. Yep.

I'll just, er...

(WHISPERS) There we are, then.

See you later!

(EXHALES)

Yeah, I'm the captain.

Chief goal scorer, so I take all the penalties.

He takes all the penalties.

(BALL THUDS REVERBERATE)

Why do we have a school uniform, Miss James?

To keep the nylon factories going, sir?

Because a uniform ensures discipline,

and without discipline...

MISS PRICE: Chaos ensues.

Miss Price, I am capable of finishing my own...

- Sentences. - Sentences.

Sorry, Mr Hawthorn.

Oi, Sims!

Think you're clever, don't you?

I'm just practising.

Well, let's see if you've improved, then.

Hit that can.

- (THUD!) - (RICOCHET PINGS)

(CLANG!)

I expect everyone at this school to be dressed immaculately at all times.

- (CLANGING) - (MISS PRICE GASPS)

(HE STAMMERS)

(PUPILS WHISPER)

Shh! Quiet, please.

This is a detention, it's not a discotheque.

(CLOCK TICKS)

What are you in for?

Kicked a ball through the head's window.

That was you? Respect.

- What's your name? - Dennis Sims.

- John's little brother? - Yeah.

I'm Lisa.

I know. You're a legend! You're the coolest girl in school.

I love the way you dress. Every day there's a new little twist and...

Don't worry, I'm not obsessed.

No, no. You don't sound it at all(!)

Vogue!

That's not mine.

- I don't know how that got there. - Can you get on with your work, please?

I'm trying to buy some Christmas present...

I meant - I'm doing marking.

I thought I was the only one round here who read this.

You are, cos, like I said, it's not mine.

You 'mm haute couture or prét-'a-porter?

I'm easy.

You're new to all this, aren't you?

Don't Prét make sandwiches?

(LAUGHS)

But some of that stuff is too mad to wear, surely.

And there's a cardigan on one page and it says it costs £300.

That has got to be a mistake!

So many questions, young Hobbit.

And there was one dress, and it had shoulders out here.

I mean, how can you get on the bus in that?

Oh. Well, this is my house. Bye.

Oh, OK.

Bye.

So, you'll come round Saturday, then?

What for?

To learn.

Everything.

Where are you going?

To Lisa james's house.

Oh, yeah. And I've got a date with Rihanna(!)

- Hey. - All right?

Come in. Fancy a drink?

Why not?

Champagne cocktail?

You're underage.

Um Bongo?

- That's gorgeous! - Classic Dior.

Look at this from the '70s.

You see how the lines are all the same?

Now, this is Italian Vague. My favourite.

- You'd look amazing in that. - Wouldn't anyone?

My mum loved to dress up. She always looked great.

What happened to her?

She ran off with this guy who's got his own roofing company.

Granny says they've got a baby together now.

- I'm sorry. - Me, too.

Now I live in a house full of blokes.

It's just so boring and grey sometimes.

Can I show you something?

Wow! Who made that?

Me.

I'd do it at school, but the head won't let us do fashion tech.

How am I meant to be a designer if I can't even get

- any qualifications? - It's beautiful.

Maybe...

you should try it on?

What? No!

- Go on, try it on. - I can't do that.

Who's going to have a problem with it?

Well, let's see...

my dad, my brother, the head,

the football team.

Oh, and everyone else I know.

Not me.

I don't think there should be any rules.

I think we should all wear...

whatever we like.

Yeah...

but whoever heard of a boy in a dress?

We've got the Christmas things from out the shed.

Oh, right.

Thought we could all do the tree together.

I used to do that with your mam.

I was on tinsel, she was on baubles.

Let's do it later, yeah?

Why don't you come to the semifinals?

Can't remember the last time you saw me play footy.

Oh, I can.

She came, too.

It was just before that...

so-and-so came to fix the roof.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - I'll get it.

Hello?

Lisa.

Yes, john, it's me.

(SIGHS) Is Dennis in?

- Who? - Your brother, Dennis.

Oh, yeah. Wait there.

(COUGHS)

He's out all day, but I'll tell you who's here, and that's me.

Little accident?

I thought we could hang around outside the chippy?

Throw things in the canal? Whatever you want to do, babes.

Oh, look - he's back.

- Are you ready? - Sure. See you later.

Raise your game, son.

- (SEWING MACHINE WHIRS) - I've got something to show you.

Really?

Do you like it?

- I love it. - I've been working on it all night.

I need to make a few adjustments.

Willyou... put it on?

- Put on the dress? - Yeah.

Oh. Unless, of course, you really don't want to?

No, no! I mean, if it helps you out...

(I? MICHAEL BUBLE.' Come Fly With Me)

(LAUGHS)

Why are you laughing?

You look... incredible.

- How does it fit? - Perfectly!

So...

who did you make it for?

- You. - What?!

Oh, I'm not stupid. I can tell you really wanted to wear one.

And you could totally pass for a girl,

with a few extra little touches.

- Do you really think so? - You could go out in that.

Where?

I dunno. Down the street? Into town?

How about Raj's shop!

You would get away with it, I swear.

Yeah, but...

we aren't actually going to do it, are we?

I'm scared.

Just be confident. The world is your catwalk.

This isn't a good idea. Raj knows me.

He knows Dennis. He's never met Denise.

- Who's Denise? - (SHE SIGHS)

- Oh...! - (SHOP BELL jlNGLES)

A-ha, Lisa, my favourite customer!

Who is your new friend?

This is my French exchange person... er, girl... student.

(HIGH VOICE) Bonjour.

Je am... Denise.

Willkommen! My shop is famous around the world.

Surely you've heard of it?

Non, Monsieur Raj.

You know my name! You must have!

How about commemorative postcards to send to yourfamily back in France?

- They're blank. - Yes, I know.

You can draw British landmarks on them with...

this set of colouring pens, priced just £4.99.

We'll just take this magazine.

(RAJ CHUCKLES)

Uh-huh. Now, Denise, before you leave,

you must try our traditional British delicacies.

These Twixes came in fresh this morning.

Non, merci.

Le Munch De Monster, s'il vous plait.

Excellent choice, sefiorita.

- Bye, Raj. - (NORMAL VOICE) Bye.

(HIGH VOICE) Au revoir.

Ciao!

Peter. Perfect Peter.

Peter the poppet.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.

W-What exactly do you want?

Yeah, is Dennis ready for the semis?

- Well, he's... - Do you know, Peter,

every time I pop by and accidently peep through your windows,

I can't help thinking that this house could do with a woman's touch.

He's...

So I've bought you some scatter cushions.

And a couple of photo frames.

And, oh, look - who's this?

He's out. With that Lisa James girl from school.

I will find him.

Stay stro n g.

Miaow!

That was hilarious!

I know! So, when do we do it again?

How about never?

What about the shopping centre?

- Tons of people there. - No!

Lisa, where's Dennis?

The semifinals!

Er, Dennis?

He said to tell you, if I saw you,

like, um, I'm seeing you now,

to say that he...

will be home in five minutes.

Well, come on!

How can anyone run in these?

All right, speedy!

Where were you?

Doing weights.

Are you a fan of the rap music, Dennis?

Just say no.

(♪ DIZZEE RASCALI Holiday)

(SHE RAPS ALONG)

♪ Come and see me...

♪ See me

♪ So easily, ooh... ♪

Please, don't do that.

Eh-eh, eh-eh!

Ha-ha, look at him!

Oh, go back to Hogwarts.

Darv, is it weird wearing a patka on your head?

Nah, it's just a Sikh thing.

Yeah, I know, but you're the only boy at school who wears one.

It's no big deal.

And it would be boring if we were all the same, wouldn't it?

So, you're playing St Kenneth's.

Private school, state-of-the-art sports facilities,

and, let's face it, a better gene pool.

Now, on paper, things don't look very good...

and, looking at you now, it's a lot worse.

You're always out of breath, you've got chubby legs,

and most of you are still waiting for your growth spurt.

Sorry, son, it's been and gone.

Right, come on. Put your hands in the middle.

Now lift them up.

ALL: Whoosh.

That's supposed to help. I've got no idea how.

Come on, then.

Whoo! Come on, football! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- It's tails. - Yes! Won the toss.

Once again, the captain leads from the front.

Gareth, we were all talking about penalties...

I'm the captain, I'm taking them.

Change ends!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(PLAYERS SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Dennis.

To me.

Good luck.

Come on, Gareth!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

- (MOCK CHEERING AND LAUGHING) - (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Bad lucl

Strike it!

Yes!

What's happened?

We won.

- Really? - Yes.

Pretty good.

You should stick to quidditch!

(TV IS ON)

Dad! We won!

That's great. Well done.

So you didn't get a chance to put up the tree?

Oh. Sorry, son.

We're not doing Christmas this year. I just can't face it.

Dad, sometimes I think you choose to be miserable.

- Dennis! - He does!

It's like you made a rule - you can never forget about Mum.

Well, it's not that easy.

- You have to break the rules sometimes. - You can talk!

What?

He's got a picture of Mum under his mattress.

Bring it here now.

I thought I said no reminders of your mum in this house.

- But, Dad... - This is going in the bin,

where it belongs.

It's my only one.

I don't care.

I'm going out!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Dennis?

- Are you OK? - I want to wear the dress again.

What? Go back to Raj's?

No. I want to do something much bigger. Something crazy.

How crazy?

Really crazy.

(♪ BEYONCE FEAT. JAY Z: Crazy In Love)

♪ Most incredibly

♪ It's ya girl, Bee

♪ It's ya boy, Young

♪ You ready?

I?' Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh no, no

♪ (fir-oh, air-oh, air-oh, of? No, no

♪ (fir-oh, air-oh, air-oh, of? No, no

♪ (fir-oh, air-oh, air-oh, of? No, no

♪ Yeah, history in the making

♪ Part two, it's so crazy right now

♪ I look and stare so deep in your eyes... ♪

Who's this?

My French exchange student.

Bonjour.

R Yfiappeue

Denise.

She's from Paris.

I thought all the exchanges were from Marseille.

She's from Rue de Paris in Marseille.

Even if she is, nobody enters this school-

of which I am the secretary - without written permission.

Oh, I cleared it with the head.

Then let's go to the office and check.

Now.

Sure. No problem.

I mean, it will look like you're questioning his authority,

but you know best.

Lisa James, you can talk to me untilyou're blue in the face,

but none of that is going to change the fact

that I've just decided it's all fine.

Off to your lessons.

How long are you staying?

Cool bangle. Is it from France?

Is it hard having to speak French all day?

Mais... non.

Sit down, shut up.

You're new.

She's from France.

Oh, bonjour.

No, that's all I've got.

I'm Mr Norris.

I teach PE,

but they also make me take history.

You know much history?

Non.

Good. Then you'll fit right in.

Start of the First World War - 1914.

The Prime Minister

was Winston Churchill.

Gareth...

Gareth Small.

- Captain of the football team. - Bonjour, Gareth.

Je too enjoy le football.

So, do you score all the goals?

I can't lie, babes. Yes, I do.

Yeah, he does. What of it?

Because I heard it is a boy called...

Dennis.

Don't know who told you that.

Yeah, who told you that?

Everyone says it.

Yes, they say you are the one who miss all the penalties.

No, no, babes, I'm the star player. You must come and watch a game.

Don't come and watch a game.

Come on, Gareth!

Hey, Denise!

Denise! Hey, Denise!

- This is just the best. - I know.

- Dennis? - Shhh!

What on earth are you doing?

I'm just being someone else for the day.

- Are you nuts? - It's fun.

It's not going to be fun when everyone finds out.

- You'll never live this down. - Only you've recognised me.

So far! You've got to get changed.

Relax! I've got it all under control.

So, what's next?

Double French.

- What? I'm getting out of here. - Ooh!

B0njour!

ALL: Bonjour, Madame...

oiselle. Oiselle Windsor.

Asseyez-vo us.

Et vous, qui étes-vous?

Who are you?

This is Denise, she's my German pen pal, Miss.

I thought you said she was from France.

Good point.

Thank y0l1(!)

French pen pal.

Ah, soyez la bienvenue!

Mais quelgrand plaisir

de vous accueillir parmi nous dans notre humble classe!

(Test tout simplement merveilleux!

Ah, j'ai tellement de questions a VOUS poser.

De queue region de France venez-vous'?

Comment sont les écoles dans votre région?

Quel est votre passe-temps favori? Que font vos parents?

Et faites-nous part de vos premiéres impressions de I'Angleterre.

May I speak in English for one moment?

Yes, of course.

How can I put this, how you say, politely?

Poliment! Poliment!

Madame Windsor.

Moiselle.

I am very sorry, but I am not understanding

anything you are saying...

Uh!

Because of your very poor French accent.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you need a tissue?

I'll be fine. I've just got something in my eye.

I'll step outside for a minute. My eye. L'oreille!

(SHE WEEPS HYSTERICALLY)

(BELL RINGS)

What was all that about?

Miss Windsor's one of the nice ones and you totally humiliated her.

You could have told me you had double French today.

I forgot. Sorry.

- There's nothing I can do now. - Look out!

I don't know where he is.

He left the house this morning before me.

Bunking off, I presume.

That's not like Dennis. I'm worried about him.

I shall have to call your father.

Just let me have a quick look round first.

What do you think you're doing

coming over here, stealing nurboyfriends.

I am not liking le Gareth in that way.

You lying French tart!

Girls fight over me all the time.

ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

(KIDS GASP)

0h... my... days.

Dennis?

(ALL LAUGH)

(LAUGHTER ECHOES)

Silence!

You.

- The boy in the dress. - Sir, it's not his fault, I...

I said, "Silence"!

Would you care to explain yourself, boy?

Hmm? Why did you come to school today dressed in a...

dress?

Don't know, sir.

"Don't know, sir."

Dennis Sims, you are a disgrace.

But then what can we expect of a boy from a...

broken home?

- You are expelled! - (GASPS)

- But, sir... - There are no buts, boy!

But, Mr Hawthorn, you didn't expel Karl Bates

and he ate the school goldfish.

You are on a finalwarning, Lisa James.

Please, sir, I don't want to let my friends down.

It's the cup final on Saturday.

But, Dennis Sims, you will not play on Saturday...

or any other day.

You are no longer a pupil at this school.

Leave the premises at once.

"MR SXMS". Expelled?

For wearing a dress?

And a wig.

Oh, and some earrings.

I thought I brought you up to be men

and this is how you pay me back?

I've failed.

I'll never wear a dress, so you've only half failed?

Why?

I just want to know why.

I guess...

it made me happy.

Go to your room and do your homework.

I've been expelled.

- I haven't got any homework. - Then just go to your room.

You can check my cupboard, if you like.

Just jeans and hoodies and...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

He can't talk to you now, Darvesh.

Please, can you tell Dennis he's still my friend?

Your son always stuck up for me and it's very important

he knows that, whatever's happened, he'll always be my friend.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Right, you're getting home-schooled from now on.

But it's Saturday.

I don't care. I've circled Deaf or No Deaf, That's your maths.

Pointless, general knowledge.

Antiques Roads/lam history, and I want them all watched

by the time I get back from the depot, thank you.

(TV ON QUIETLY)

Oh, no.

Peter!

Can we please talk about Dennis?

You've got between here and the lorry.

Dennis is... He's such a special boy.

I do hope you're not being too hard on him.

What if it was your son who went to school in a dress?

Oh, I don't think Darvesh would go to school in a dress.

- He'd probably wear a salwar kameez. - Yeah, all right, a salwar kameez!

Well, you know, I'd...

Well, I'd...

See! You wouldn't like it either.

Peter, please, listen!

No, you listen to me for once!

All right, these are my boys and I'll bring them up myway.

And I don't need your stupid scatter cushions

and I certainly don't need your advice.

But you love your son, whatever he does.

Don't you?

"ANNOUNCER". The Under-16s School Cup Final will kick off in 15 minutes.

(75 minutes tn kick-of)'.

If they're under 16, then I'm Angelina blooming jolie.

Mr Hawthorn, I need to talk to you about Dennis.

Lisa James, I am not interested in your pleading.

- But, sir... - One more word and I will expel you, too.

So, here we are. Cup Final day.

ALL: Yes!

All right. I want you all to remember what got you here.

Luck...

and a lad in a frock who got kicked out.

Now, the other lot, they've won the Cup the last three years

and I'm going to be honest...

they play dilTY-

They'll hack you down...

they'll elbow you in the face.

I'm just glad it's you and not me out there.

But remember one thing -

win or lose, you made it to a Cup Final,

which looks great on my CV.

Now get out there.

TV: With their main weapons knocked out of commission,

the platoon now faced a far superior enemy force.

The odds seemed insurmountable.

Hiya, gang!

Got some bad news for you.

The referee has sprained his ankle.

Now, the stand-in referee's cat's died

and he's very upset. Sad face.

But the good news is, you've got me! Yay! Happy face!

Now, I don't know if you know me. I actually teach drama.

To be honest with you, I don't know a huge amount about football,

but I've seen a couple of games on TV, and how hard can it be?

Right. Heads or tails?

Heads.

Oh, heads it is!

Elm Forest to serve! (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Oh, exciting!

Come on! Whoo-hoo!

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

We've got no chance without Dennis.

Shut up. We don't need him.

"W". With no protection offered by the inexperienced commander,

the platoon was quickly crushed by the superior firepower

of a German panzer division.

(CRUNCH!)

Red card!

Now, that wasn't nice, was it?

Say sorry.

50f“!-

Good boy. Now...

(INHALES) ...deep breath.

Let out the anger.

Oh.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

It's a massacre. You're the captain, do something.

You're right.

Sir...

You boys are bringing shame on us all.

We need Dennis. He's our best player.

I will not have that cross-dressing miscreant representing

- my school. - But we need Mm'.!

Get back out there and play, Gareth Small.

TV: Without reinforcements, defeat was imminent.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

And that's the game. Well done, gang.

It's half-time!

Sorry. My mistake. Interval!

The score is four points to nil.

The troops were on the verge of surrender,

- but, at the last minute... - (PHONE BUZZES)

a message arrived from the high command.

(SIGHS)

Going to miss the Bake Offat this rate.

(WIND WHISTLES)

(♪ QUEEN: I Want To Break Free)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Uh!

Darvesh, you look gorgeous!

♪ I want to break free... ♪

Dennis! Come on, Dennis!

♪ ...1 want tn break free from your lies... ♪

Go get them, girls!

Small! Get over here!

What on earth do you think you're doing, boy?

Sir, you expelled Dennis for wearing a dress,

but you can't expel us all.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - ♪ ...1'l/e fallen in lave

♪ I've fallen in love for the first time

♪ And this time I know it's for real

♪ I've fallen in love, yeah

♪ God knows

♪ God knows I've fallen in love... ♪

Are they wearing dresses?

♪ ...1 ran Tget aver the way you In ye me like you do

♪ But I have to be sure... ♪

- (Look after these. - ♪ When I wad')? Out that door

♪ Oh, howl want to be free, baby

I?' Oh, howl want to be free

♪ 0h, howl' want to break free“. ♪

Peter! Peter!

" UN _ RSNEQL."

Oh, Peter!

- I've been thinking about... - You have to come...

- I've been thinking about... - You have to...

I have been thinking about what you said.

You have to come with me.

- What, now? - Yes, now!

Something wondelful's happened.

Come on, john!

Oh, here we go again.

Peter, just look at your beautiful son.

Look at what he can do.

♪ ...But life still goes on... ♪

Go on!

♪ ...1 ran 't get used tn living without Living without living witimutynu

- ♪ By my side... ♪ - (CHEERING)

- (♪ m)' don't want to Jive aione.“ ♪ - (BLOWS WHISTLE)

4-4.

Oh, the drama!

♪ ...God knows

♪ Got to make it on my own

♪ 50, baby, can't you see?

♪ I've got to break free... ♪

Come on, Dennis. Score one for me!

- (THUD) - (CROWD GROANS)

Penalty! Penalty.

(VOICES ECHO) Come on, Dennis.

- Come on, you can do it. - Come on, Dennis.

- Hey. - Dad, you came!

Go get 'em, son.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Yes!

Good luck, Gareth.

It's yours, mate... if you're up to it.

- (CHEERING) - ♪ m)' want to break free“. ♪

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Oh, my word, it's Elm Forest!

Did we win?

We won?!

Yes! Yes! I knew it!

I knew you could do it! Yeah!

Somebody should sign that lad.

(LAUGHS)

This is my son.

This is my boy.

That's my brother... that is.

And I love him...

more than I can ever say.

How did you get to be so good, son?

How did you get so ruddy good?

How beautiful.

Not you, boy. You're not an Elm Forest pupil.

But X thought...

Well, you thought wrong.

Now, get off the pitch this instant.

Hey, you wouldn't have that cup if it wasn't for my Dennis.

Your son came to schoolwearing a dress.

He is an appalling specimen.

I couldn't be prouder of him.

We all are.

Come on, love, let's go home.

Have you found a new school yet?

Not yet.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Come on, the new Vnguekout today. I'll buy you one as a present.

A-ha, my favourite customers!

A very merry Christmas to you both.

BOTH: Merry Christmas, Raj.

Dennis, I am so sorry to hear about your expulsion.

Thanks.

What is so wrong with wearing a dress, huh?

I often like to dress entirely in red Lycra

and pretend I am on Strictly!

(HE HUMS THEME TUNE)

It's no biggie!

Now, if only there was a way to reason with your headmaster.

I've tried everything.

Hmm. You could talk to his sister.

His sister?

Yes.

She comes here first thing every Sunday morning to buy her newspaper.

You could ask her to speak to him.

Well, I guess it's worth a try.

Now, would you like to buy some of my special ice-cream soup?

What's ice-cream soup?

Something I invented while waiting for the freezer repair man to come.

It also has oven chips and fish fingers in it.

(SMACKS HIS LIPS)

(RAJ MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)

This is silly. Who needs to go to the shops this early?

Think that's her?

She could be his sister. She's very ta“.

And she's got enormous feet.

You don't think?

Mr Hawthorn!

Do you mean my brother?

Er, he's at home dining on toast and eggs this fine morning.

It isyou!

Children, my name is Harriet Hawthorn!

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

We know it's you.

Oh, all right. I'm Mr Hawthorn. What of it?

Well, you're in... You're in a dress.

How dare you?! This is a blouse and skirt ensemble.

All right, a blouse and skirt!

Listen, being a headmaster is an extremely stressfuljob.

If I want to relax in my time off wearing clothes I find... comfoltable,

well, that's my business.

[was comfortable in a dress untilynuexpelled me.

Yes, but you were breaking a school rule. It's completely different.

Oh, yeah, I bet all the kids at school will see it the same way...

when we tell them.

Are you trying to blackmail me?

No.

' ET, yes! ' 5°"Y, yes.

What do you want?

Dennis Sims, what do you think you're doing here?

Look at this. It's a monstrosity.

It's still school uniform. I just gave it a little re-edit.

In all my years, I've never seen anything quite...

So very creative. Please.

What?

That's a very pretty frock you're wearing today, Miss Price.

Oh...

Thank you.

It's, er, just from the shop on the high street.

Hmm.

Do they stock it for the...

larger lady?

- You're back? - Yeah.

What about Hawthorn?

He, um... came round to my way of thinking.

I'll see you later.

Oh, right, good luck.

- Miss? - Oh.

Oh, you're back.

I'm sorry I said you had a bad French accent.

You've actually got the best French accent out there,

and that includes all the ones in France.

Oh, do you really think so? Merci beaucoup, Dennis.

I must say, you pulled off that dress rather well.

- Trés é la mode. - Thanks, Miss.

I've, er... I've written a play for the spring term

and there's a perfect part for you in it.

It's naked joan Of Arc. Can you guess who X want you to may?

Joan?

Correctement! Yes!

You see, she was a girl that wore boys' clothes.

So you would be a boy dressed as a girl dressed as a boy.

That would really make people think, wouldn't it?

I suppose...

Trés bien. It's all in French, by the way.

Hey.

This is yours.

I'm sorry.

I miss her, too.

John, you're not going to eat all that, yeah?

Why not?

Well, because we've got guests coming for our little Christmas party.

- Who? - Just some friends and, er...

a lady friend.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

BOTH: Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas to you, too.

Aren't you going to ask us in, then?

Oh, of course, come in, come in, come on. In you go, through there.

- Hi, Darvesh. - All right?

Peter! You bad, bad boy!

Eh?

ALL: Ooooh!

Come on!

- Wow! - Perfect, Peter.

- Yeah, don't start that. - Peter, OK. I'm starving.

- Got any mince pies? - Put that down!

I'm Dennis.

I live in an ordinary house,

in an ordinary street,

in an ordinary town.

I feel different.

But then... doesn't everyone?

(BELL RINGS)

Merry Christmas!