All language subtitles for Social Animals 2018

[CAMERA BEEPS]

ZOE: All right, I
think it"s recording.

MAN: Wait, I"m not ready yet.
Just be in the moment.

Just do what we normally
do when we have sex.

What do we normally do?

We just do it.

[MAN GRUNTING] [ZOE SCREAMING]

Shit, I"m sorry. Gosh!

Should I put my hair up?

Maybe we don"t have to kiss.

ZOE: Ow, ow, ow. Hey, ow, ow,
ow, you"re pulling my hair.

[BED SQUEAKING] No,
the other hair.

MAN: Okay, you"re
still fucking it up.

Jesus, God, don"t judge me.
This is very vulnerable.

Okay, we just need
to find a rhythm.

[HEADBOARD BANGING]

Hey... Ow, ow, hey, you"re...

My head"s... Could
you pull me down?

Here, here. [ZOE YELLING]

No, don"t French kiss my neck,

just kiss my neck.

I don"t think that
this is happening.

Aren"t you supposed
to fake it, at least?

[MOANING DRAMATICALLY]

Happy?

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

MAN: [ON RADIO] Habits
define exactly who we are.

They exhibit our
personalities, our behavior.

Routines regulate our
efficiency or inefficiency.

One"s habits affect their
perception of others

and most importantly, their
perception of themselves.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[SCREAMING]

ZOE: It"s hot as balls here.

CLAIRE: Hmm, global warming?

More like just Texas, you know?

You think when you get married we"re
still actually gonna do this?

Or are you gonna like spawn
and join the PTA and shit?

Oh, yeah, because that"s
totally who I am.

Minivan and all.

[SIGHS]

No, but you"re a closet-normal
person, for sure.

I agree.

P.S., Lana seems happy... Mmm.

In pictures.

In a very, like, contrived
way, of course.

Other people"s
happiness disturbs me.

You"re a hopeless romantic.

No, I just don"t understand
what the big deal is.

Like, the marriage
thing, the baby thing.

It"s like, not everybody's
version of normal.

Oh, please, you"re gonna
end up with like five.

How long have you known me?

Like a hundred years.

And have I ever once said that I
want to have a baby or a husband?

No, but to be fair, I"m,
like, drunk half the time.

[CHUCKLES]

This is just that whole turning
30 drama everybody talks about.

Just let it fall over you like
a warm blanket on a cold day.

I see your blanket, I twist
it, tie it in a knot,

hang myself with it,

and then I address
a note that says,

"This is all your fault."

That"s a lot.

Are your eyes gonna go
cross like that, too?

I don"t know, I can"t really
predict how my eyes will be.

But I"ll definitely
stare you down.

Zoe, are you serious?

Oh, hey, Jay, good morning.

You"re practically
naked out here.

I got kids inside.
You get that, right?

You know what? I can, like, get a
curtain from IKEA or something.

Zoe, as your landlord...

Whoa, actually, I own my house.

So, you"re not my landlord.

Yeah, and I own the ground
that it"s parked on.

I own this whole lawn.

But who really owns the ground?

You are two weeks behind
on rent this month.

I"m so sorry.

I need you to pay me
to use this ground.

Hey, Jay, you know I can hear
the words you"re saying.

You don"t also have to act
them out with your hands.

Excuse me if my expressions
are intimidating.

Because I need you to pay me.

Yeah, sure, we can talk
about this tomorrow.

You know what? I"m actually
running a little late

to a wedding, so... You
can pay me tomorrow.

You can hand me an envelope
of money tomorrow,

or you can find a new place
to park your tiny home, okay?

Cool, great.

Wait, does it have to be cash?

[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

This... [BRIDE LAUGHING]

Could not have happened
to a nicer couple.

No, actually, it
totally could have.

"Really goin" for
it [BRIDE LAUGHING]

This is like pornographic.

Oh, Lana, is this it.
Is this it?

WOMAN: Oh, Peter. Should
I get my head lamp on?

[GROOM GROWLING]
[BRIDE LAUGHING]

Did she just cum? I
think the mom did.

[GROOM HOWLING] Great job!

I just missed it.

All right, thank you to every one
for being here on our big day.

We really appreciate all of you.

But now I"m gonna need
all the single ladies!

[CROWD APPLAUDS] Get up here!

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Yeah, and it"s you.

You"re single, Sarah, by the way.
Now, you go up.

Yeah, but after what happened
at the last wedding,

I"m just tryin' to
mind my P"s and Q's.

Uh-oh, I see you.

I see some single ladies
hiding out in the back there!

Zoe...

I know you"re single!

[CHEERING]

WOMEN: [CHANTING] Zoe! Zoe! Zoe!

Zoe. Come on up!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Get up here!

"I fuckin" hate myself.

If anyone gets in your
way, duck and hit.

Last wedding, I got arrested
because I hit somebody,

I didn"t duck.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

All right, let"s do this!

One, two, three.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Shit! [SCUFFLING]

[THUDS]

[CELL PHONES CHIMING]

[SIGHING]

No. Hold up.

We scheduled this.

It"s on the joint calendar.

Okay, well, you know.

Same time next week, that
bell goes off, I"m all yours.

You said that last week.

It"s been like three months.

Oh, God, okay, fine.

But can you be quick?

I have a meeting in the morning.

[GRUNTING] [SIGHING]

Oh, my God!

The condo"s going up next door!

I have reported them multiple
times for working after 9:00...

Just forget about it.

[ELECTRIC SAW BUZZING] Zone out.

All we need is right here.

Okay. Okay.

I"m zoning out.

Zone it out.

I swear if one more artisanal
cupcake shop goes on our block,

I"m gonna lose my goddamn mind.

I"m... [SIGHS]

I"m sorry, I can't. I just...
I can"t.

[ELECTRIC SAW BUZZING]

Maybe you should have an affair.

[TV BLARING]

Reaganomics, higher
taxes, school prayer.

Is this the 2000 Convention?
Yep.

Where did you get
this on Blu-ray?

YouTube, and then I had my IT
guy at work burn it for you.

[SIGHS]

Honey, just let me
see this one part.

You know, Lana told me that you
don"t have a lot of customers.

So I just want to support
another business.

Oh, well, that was
nice of her, I guess.

I actually own Forbidden
Fruit down the street.

Oh, the sex shop.

Adult marketplace. Oh.

People have told me they never
quite seen anything like my vagina

and I choose to take
that as a compliment.

[WAX PAPER RIPPING] [GROANS]

Whoo, I lost my
visor on that one!

That was a good one.
Very satisfying.

Oh, yeah, you feel good? Yeah.

I"m just in that state of mind
where I"m like, full bush!

I go out in my
bathing suit like,

I"ve had a couple children
point at it and say,

"What"s that, Mom?"

[WAX PAPER RIPPING] Oh, my God!

I think I"m dying.
My pussy is on fire!

[WAX PAPER RIPPING] [SCREAMING]

I am gonna titty punch you!
Okay.

[CRYING] Zoe, do you want
to just come over here

and hold me for a second?

[SIGHS]

MAN: Ms. Crandle, I"m so sorry.

But we"re gonna have to
reject your application

for a small-business loan today.

Darn. But I can offer you

one of these fantastic
drink koozies.

Compliments of the bank.

Oh, great, yes. Because
the drink koozy

is really gonna take the
edge off the complete

and total destruction
of my life.

Maybe you can try
someplace else?

Maybe you have some
friends or family?

What about your parents?

CLAIRE: If he"s cheating on me,
I need to step my game up.

I have been watching
only PornTube,

like, literally all the time.

Oh, I really like
PornTube, you know?

There"s something
very Warhol about it.

Yeah, right?

I mean, a babysitter anal
series is like super artsy.

Okay, Claire, why don"t
you just end it?

Okay, I found someone.

Someone who"s great on paper

and looks good next
to me in pictures.

Someone who wants to marry me
even though I"m, you know,

me and everything.

Right? When you love
someone, you fight for it.

Even if it feels wrong.

JANE: It"s beautiful, right?

I mean, it will be when
we put it on a dimmer.

Are we looking at the
same thing here?

Don"t do this.

Jane, I can"t even
walk under it.

I"m gonna smash into
this thing one day.

This thing is set
up for me to lose.

Have you noticed that it"s
getting harder and harder

to walk around our house?

Yeah, well, have you noticed,

since we"re, you know,
spit-balling here,

that the towels in the
bathroom are always a mess?

No. You have a towel thing.

I have a towel thing? Yes,
you have a towel thing.

The hand towels are always askew

and it drives me
up a fucking wall.

Okay.

Okay, no more askew
towels, got it.

Have you given any thought to
what I said the other night?

What? Having an affair.

[CHUCKLES] No.

Maybe I"m not joking.

People do that, right?

They open up the
marriage to save it?

I don"t know, maybe we
could be those people.

Yeah, I don"t wanna be
those kind of people.

I wanna be the kind of
person that"s just for you.

Mmm-hmm. Okay?

[MOANING] [GLASS SHATTERING]

[CHILD SCREAMING] Oh, my God!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Don "t fuck him, he" s a client.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[TRAILER SQUEAKING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ZOE: Do you want any
help with that?

No, I think I got it.

Just let me know if it"s even.

It"s even just pull it
tight, much tighter.

The weather in Texas
changes a lot.

You don"t want anybody
to miss this.

How"s that?

[SIGHING] Ah, perfect.

It"s a little on the nose.

Yeah, I was going
for simple and sad.

Oh, well, I think you nailed it.

Yeah, I feel good about it.

[CHUCKLES] You want to come in?

I mean, if you"re open.

[BELL RINGING] We"re open now.

I can"t believe this
place is closing.

You know, I love Paul"s Picks?

Paul does have exquisite taste.

You"re Paul, aren't you?
Paul, nice to meet you.

Hi, I"m Zoe. Hi, Zoe.

[CHUCKLES]

So are these alphabetized or...

I sort of have my
own system going.

I"ve seen pretty much
every film here.

So it forces people
to ask me questions.

Which is nice, because
I get a little lonely.

[ZOE CHUCKLES]

Well, not to sound
like a stalker.

But I saw you all alone

at Lana"s super boring wedding.

Yeah, I was with my wife.

She was in the Delta
Gamma thing with her.

Were you in that?

No, no, I"m not a joiner.

I majored in
ass-sitting college,

and by college, I
mean, I did not go.

Hmm. I did. Majored
in philosophy.

Hmm. And now I have all of this.

For not that much longer.

Hey, don"t be so
hard on yourself.

It"s not your fault,
it"s the economy

and you know all that
crap I fall asleep to

while listening to CNN. Mmm.

Well, I got a few more
months on my lease.

I figure, why not
revel in my failure?

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
That"s a good plan, Paul.

I do that, like, all the time.

So, welcome to the club.

Thanks.

I own the waxing business
across the street.

So if you ever need any detail
work on your bikini line...

Yeah, I might take
you up on that.

Cool. It"s a mess down there.

[CHUCKLES] Well, it was
nice to meet you, Paul.

You, too, Zoe. So,
I"ll see you later.

Fuck, who put that there?

I did. [CHUCKLES] There.

Bye, Zoe.

Bye, Paul.

So how do you know that
Jim"s gonna be here?

I"ve traced all of his credit
card receipts back to this place,

he"s here every Tuesday at noon.

You"re such a psychopath.
Whatever.

Oh, my God. I see
him, I see him,

Oh, my God, was he with anyone?
I don"t know, I panicked.

We need to get closer.

You know some people go to
lunch just to have lunch?

Well, we"re not some people
and I need you to walk by.

I don"t want to.

Zoe, I need you to walk by.

[GRUNTS ANGRILY]

To-go containers.

You ready to go?

Wanna get a drink?

It"s noon, I have to work.

So?

[BONG WATER BUBBLING]

He"s not cheating on me, right?

No. No, right?

No way.

I mean, there aren"t even
enough hours in the day.

Yeah, who has the time for that?

You know what I realized?

I want to find a soulmate.

But my house is only big
enough for one person.

Hmm. Unless they
get on top of me.

So then, I guess, like, you
can fit more people in there

if somebody gets on top of them.

And you could just, like,
keep stacking people.

So, the ceiling"s the limit.

Unless you built a sunroof.
Yeah.

Okay, so he"s definitely
not cheating on me, right?

I have nothing to worry about.

Not a thing to worry about.

Definitely not. Uh-uh.

I mean, unless he is.

[TRASH RATTLING]

So, we"re seriously doing this?

We"re going through
your fiance"s trash

in the middle of the night?

Okay, when a man enters you,

you have a right to his garbage.

You know what? I"m going in.

What? No.

No, that"s breaking
and entering.

I"m not breaking,
I"m just entering.

Wait, Claire!

Claire!

Claire!

Why are we searching
the kitchen?

Because it is the last place
anyone would think to look.

I don"t know, clean
people don"t cheat.

His maid comes twice a week.

[GASPS] Maybe he"s fucking her.

Hey, that"d be kinda brilliant.

She could just clean
up afterward.

Ugh, that"s not funny.

[ZOE SIGHS]

Wait, are you
sniffing his clothes?

Well, if I don"t sniff for vanilla
musk and scan for body glitter,

how do I know if he"s
been to a strip club?

I"ll allow it. Thank you.

Oh, things just got weird.

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh, my God, Zoe,
take off the mask.

Zoe, take off the mask!

Zoe, take off the fucking mask!

[DOOR SHUTTING] Oh, my God.

Oh.

[DOG WHINING]

All right, Nate. Nate, stop.

Stop. Stay.

Look, buddy, it
would be so awesome

if you would just
stop the dog thing.

Because you"re not
a dog, Nathan.

You"re a kid, and
you"re a great kid.

So, what do you say?

Stand up and walk on
your own two feet?

[GROWLING] [GROANING IN PAIN]

He bit me, dude.

I know, but he"s so cute.

We make awesome kids.

I mean, they"re weird
as shit, but awesome.

So, listen, I was thinking...

The affair thing,
is that still a go?

Yeah, totally.

Should I let you know when...
No, I don"t want to

hear details or anything.

Cool.

Hey, guys...

Not in the street. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Get your brother.

Just stop him. [NATE BARKING]

Come here. Come here, boy.

Whoa, wax your bush.

Wax your bush.

Try out the wax
studio, right there.

Hello, your wife looks
like she needs a wax.

Sir, sir, sorry.

It"s a little...

You wanna wax your bush?

Wax your bush.

Wax your bush.

Wax your bush. Thank you.

Wait, hey!

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

Hey, Zoe.

Hey this is not working. I
am fucked right now, Claire.

CLAIRE: What"s up?

I"m just scaring people away.

Nobody gets the double entendre.

Oh, you just said "double
entendre" and now I am worried.

Just pour yourself a
vodka soda and know that

if you build it, they"ll come.

They should.

PAUL: Hey.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Nice double entendre.

Thank you.

You doing okay? You
look a little...

Yeah, no, I"m good.

I"m really... Really good.

Yeah. Why, do I not look okay?

No, you look hot.

Double entendre.

[LAUGHING]

What are you doing right now?

Oh, you know, I"m...

Just probably gonna jump
off a bridge or something.

Yeah, you gotta get outta
politics, it"s killing you.

[GIGGLES] Come on.

Can I buy you a drink?

Um, nope, I have
a drink already.

What is your name?

Are we allowed to do names?

I thought we weren"t
doing names.

You can make one
up, if you"d like.

Oh, okay. Um...

Great, I didn"t really give
that any advanced thought.

Um, Allison.

No, I hate Allison,
she is a total...

Melania.

That is also equally vile.

Um...

Lola?

That"s cute... No, that"s
trying too hard, isn"t it?

Nice to meet you, Lola.

Wow, you"re really getting
into that hand, aren"t you?

No, no, no.

Uh, sorry, I"m just not into...

Public displays of affection.

So, how do we...
How do we do this?

You tell me what you like.

[SIGHS] Okay. Um...

Well, I like C-SPAN,
I like to workout,

I like watching
people hoard on TV.

Okay, how "bout I
figure this out?"

Um...

You don"t...

You don"t have any
cold sores, do you?

No.

Okay.

It"s just that like, 85% of
the population has herpes.

So it"s a valid question.

Um, I would really prefer
not to take off my clothes.

Okay. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I"m sorry, I"ve never been with
anyone besides my husband.

I just thought I might
take you to a movie,

if that"s all right.

What do you think?

Wow, did you set this
all up yourself?

Yeah, I"m not so
great at sleeping.

So I just come up
here and hang out.

It"s like I have my own
personal drive-in.

Yeah, at night I stay
up making mixed CDs.

I mean, I guess they"re
called playlists now, but...

Dude, you do realize
that mixed CDs

are like a lost art form, right?

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, every girl I
liked in high school

would get these, like,
heart-wrenching,

80s hair band, power
ballad mixes.

Oh, no, Paul, you"re
a hair band guy?

Sorry, yes.

That is both very lame and
kinda, sorta awesome.

Thank you. [LAUGHS]

Wow, I sleep up here more
than I care to admit.

[EXHALES]

Can I ask you something?

Whoo, I hate questions
that start with that.

But, sure.

Why were you alone in
your car at the wedding?

You know, when I...

Got high and lit
yourself on fire?

Okay, we don"t need
a play-by-play.

[CHUCKLES] I was, you know...

I was giving my wife some space.

Pretty sure she can"t
stand to be around me.

We"re hardly ever having sex.

And when we do, it
takes way too long.

It"s kinda like that wedding
scene in The Deer Hunter.

My every day is like the wedding
scene in The Deer Hunter.

I started listening to 7 Habits
of Highly Effective People

on audio tape and it turns
out, I have none of them.

Yeah, it took Jane"s
parents bailing me out

for, like, the hundredth time

before I came to
that conclusion.

Well, my parents have
been dead for 13 years.

So I can"t exactly
bother them for cash.

They didn"t leave you some
huge trust fund or anything?

A trust fund? Really?

I don"t know.

No, my parents were basically

like the Bonnie and
Clyde of tax evasion.

They opened up a bunch of
credit cards in my name,

left me with all this debt.

So yeah, they raised me but then

somebody else sent me the bill.

Well, how"d you then
open up a business

and land on your feet?

I worked a ton of jobs,

I served a thousand
beers at Beer Land,

worked the door at Mohawk,

temped, parked cars at a rodeo.

I actually was the
cashier at the salon

and then they were closing down

and I got my license,
took over the lease,

paid for itself for a while.

What?

I just... I find
you fascinating.

[CHUCKLES]

That"s a word.

That is the F-word.

It must be horrible
to lose this.

Yeah.

It"ll probably be a condo
by the end of the month.

[PAUL CHUCKLES]

You ready? Yeah.

[SIGHS] Hi.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES] No.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

LANA: Zoe? Yeah?

Zoe! Oh, hi!

Hi, I"m so happy you came!

Of course.

I have something for you.

For me? Look!

Oh, great! Do you want
to feel him kick?

No. Come on.

It is a joy. No.

To feel him kick, I must say.

No, no, I do not.

No? I do not...

Want to feel the kick.

Fine, maybe we can put
your present over here

along with the
non-registry gifts.

It"s okay, all the single
people bring baskets.

SARAH-BETH: Oh, Zoe! Hi!

Brought you a juice.
Oh, thank you.

Where"s the bar?

Oh, there"s a juice
bar over there

and an oxygen bar in the back.

I don"t wanna take too
much because I have

a roller derby match tonight,
and it"s my first one.

I"m trying to come
up with a name.

I was like, the
Penetrator, you know.

Or like, Nipple Clamper LANA:
Oh, no, I don"t like that one.

I want something aggressive.

So there"s no alcohol?
No alcohol?

No, Zoe, it"s 11:30 in the morning.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, it"s past 10:00, you know,
all bets are off. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING] You ever had
a carbon monoxide shot?

You should go in the garage
and turn the car on.

What? Yeah, all the
kids are doing it,

don"t stay in there too
long "cause you could die.

But just turn the car on
for like, 30 seconds.

It"s the same effect as alcohol.
[LAUGHS]

Anyway, this is a great party.

I love kids.

All right, we"ll see
you at the oxygen bar.

I"ll see you at the...

I actually will just breathe the
air that"s right here, thank you.

Don"t judge me, little kids.

Well, hello, friend. Hello.

Somebody that I know,
that is older than five.

Hi! Hi.

So what were you up to
before this horrific

shoot-myself-in-the-face
baby shower?

Ah, I was doing very
exciting things.

I was blowing up balloons,
I was unstacking chairs.

Hard labor, basically.

Sounds like a blast.

You have kids? Nah.

Oh. Do I look like I have kids?

No. Okay [LAUGHING]

Guess what? PAUL: Hmm?

Your son is biting party guests.

Our son thinks he"s a dog.

It"s a phase.

It"s a phase.

Be right back. Thank you.

It"s actually a totally
normal, developmental stage.

Oh, sure, yeah.
It actually means

he has an above-average
imagination.

So, maybe he"ll be an artist.

I hope not.

Well, I bark at
like half my dates.

So, I totally understand.
[CHUCKLES, BARKS]

Yeah, don"t have kids,
that"s my tip for you.

Way ahead of you.

God, I hate myself.

Hello.

What "s y'all" s nameses?

I see how this is going.

You know the first boy that ever
broke my heart had red hair.

He ended up cutting off a lock of
his hair and mailing it to me.

I still have it in this
trunk at my house.

I wonder what he"s doing?

Do you guys have Facebook?

So which one of you do you think

will lose your virginity first?

It"s a fair question.

June, Cam...

Sorry, Cameron,
June, this is Zoe.

Zoe, these are my girls.

You have three kids.

That I do, Zoe.

That I do.

What"s your name again? Sam.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

I want to welcome
everybody to Oral 101.

I am Sarah-Beth and I suck!

Seriously, Claire?

What, I saw it on Groupon.

You bought a dick-sucking
class on Groupon?

So today you"re gonna
learn how to GBB,

Give Better Blowjobs.

You told me that
this was going to be

a cooking exhibition to
make homemade Pop-Tarts.

Surprise! Fuck you.

He won"t. What?

Fuck me.

And it is actually an
amazing exfoliant.

My fiance won"t have sex with me

unless I have Bush on my face.

That"s what the masks were for?

And just put it on
your face like this

and I swear your face
has never been softer.

So when you have the
penis in your mouth,

you wanna treat it
like a pepper grinder.

Now, twist it!

Twist it!

Put some pepper on it!

[GRUNTS] It"s all in the wrist.

That"s nice.

Every penis has its
own personality.

Some dicks are just
like a nice, simple guy

that"s tellin' you he
likes your blouse.

Other dicks are a little feisty.

You can get a good sense of
what a dick"s gonna be like

when you see it.

If he"s all doin' this at first,

you"re like, "Yeah,
that"s a feisty dick!"

And there"s nothing a guy likes

more than getting compliments.

Okay, so watch this.

You have the most beautiful eyes

of anyone I have ever seen.

So everybody, pick
your penises up.

On the count of three
you"re gonna put the penis,

cucumber, in your mouth.

Okay, one, two, three.

[ALL MUMBLING] You"re so sexy.

ZOE: You"re so loyal.

SARAH-BETH: You"re so loyal?

Good try. A for effort.

But a guy does not want to hear

how he"s loyal in a blowjob.

You need to say something like,

"This is the biggest dick I
have ever put in my mouth.

"It is so huge,

"I"ve only thrown up
on you five times."

All right, small mouth, come up.

How does this keep
happening to me?

Zoe, Zoe! Shh.

Come over here, Zoe.

All right, pull up your penis.

There we go, okay.

So, just imagine a
penis just like,

"Oh, my God, I love this.

"Oh, I want to put my
wiener all over your face"

"and in your mouth,
put it in your nose,"

"and in your eye, and in
your cheek, everywhere."

"Just take it, just
take it, take it."

[CUCUMBER CRUNCHING] [GASPING]

SARAH-BETH: All right, that"s
one way to deal with it.

Uh, I wouldn"t suggest...

Breaking it in half.

Hey, Jane!

Well, hi, Nathan.

[GROWLING]

Oh, sorry, he does
that to everyone.

We didn"t see you at the Toddler
Meditation sailboat last week.

You know Nathan would
just love that.

I"m running a workshop
on how to make

your own kale chips
this Thursday, okay?

So, I"ll put you
on the list, okay?

There you are!

Jane, we were starting to think

that you guys had moved away.

You know I"m doing a Mothers
Against Litter sign up

to clean up the park.

Paul"s already on the list.

He is really fantastic
with the kids.

You are so lucky!

[WOMEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[GROWLING]

What, you have to pee?
Okay, come on.

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

Mom, we"re hungry. Dad,
can we have dinner?

Yeah, I"ll order us a pizza.

No, I can make
something in a minute.

Can you walk your brother?

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

PAUL: Who is that?

Lana, she"s really upset
about the pregnancy.

You know, I should
go over there.

Why don"t you order
that pizza thing?

Okay.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

[WOMAN ON PHONE SPEAKING SOFTLY]

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Yes. Thank you for calling.

Ah, guys, the school called

and it seems that
your class has lice.

[GIRLS SCREAMING]
No, no, no, no, no.

We don"t scream. Sit
down, sit down.

I"m gonna take a look at you.

Everyone just calm down.

I"m sure everything is fine.

We"re just... You know, we"re
gonna deal with this, okay?

The important thing
is we don"t...

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God! [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, my God.

I"m sorry for using that word.

It was knee-jerk.

Uh...

We"re gonna kill them all.

Daddy"s gonna kill them all.

We"ll be fine.

You"ll be fine.

We"ll be okay.

[WATER SPLASHING] Here we go.

Here we go.

[GROWLING]

[PANTING AND MOANING]

[SNIFFLING]

MAN: What did I do?

Nothing, you"re great.

You"re great.

It"s just something that
happens to me these days.

I"m just obsessing.

I "m obsessing It" s okay.

I"m obsessing. It"s okay.

It"s just so hard to be alone.

Especially when
you"re with someone.

MAN: Uh... I can...
I can hold you.

For an extra $200.

Hey.

Hey.

Where you been? I called
you like 10 times.

My phone died.

Okay, don"t freak out.

Maybe we should send
them to private school.

You think lice don"t
infect spoiled rich kids?

Probably not.

Have you slept with anyone yet?

You told me not to tell you.

Yeah, no, I know, I"m
sorry, never mind.

But no, I haven"t.

Come here.

I love you.

I know.

Okay, All right.

Paul, stop. Why?

Seriously, stop. What?
What is it?

We have to wash this out.

All right, full disclosure.

I pretty much survive on
food truck meals alone.

So you"re talking to an expert here.
You can trust me.

I trust you. Thank you.

Do you realize how
badass these guys are?

I mean, no one can
afford a lease anymore.

So they"re like, "Screw it, we"re gonna
open a business on our own terms,

"no one to answer to, and we get to
do what we love day in and day out."

Plus, these tacos are no joke.

Okay, well, you"re talking to
somebody with extraordinarily

high taco standards,
just to be clear.

Okay. I"m not easily impressed.

Okay, so we"re meeting
in the same place here.

Mmm-hmm. And...

Close your eyes and
open your mouth.

I"m not falling for
that one again.

[CHUCKLES] Come on, man,
it"s taco roulette.

You gotta trust me, I have
honorable intentions, I swear.

Okay. All right.

This is very vulnerable for me.

Shh.

So your mouth is ready.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay. It"s close, it's close.

[PAUL GROWLING]

Okay, oh. Chew it down.

This is really good.
It"s really good, right?

Who knows his tacos?

You know your tacos.

Come on, there you got it.

Well, I met somebody.

Someone I actually like, and
he"s perfect, and he"s married.

Unhappily.

Well, that"s new and
better than happily.

You know what your problem is?

Um, yeah, which one?

You see everyone around
you settling down

and it makes you want to
rev up and give hand jobs

to weird dudes in public.

Wow, you really have a way of making
things sound worse than they are.

Really? "Cause you're
sleeping with a married guy"

and watching your business
fail right before your eyes.

I haven"t actually
slept with him

and what am I supposed
to do about my store?

It"s out of my hands.

I"m sorry, you haven"t
slept with him?

Well, that"s different.

Shut up.

Look, if that"s what
you want, go for it.

If the store is what you want,

stop being complacent, okay?

We"ll figure something out.

Or we"ll die.

But either way, it"s
gonna be over soon.

I"ll drink to that.

Cheers. [BOTTLES CLINK]

I"m kinda getting
high from the fumes.

That"s why we come here.

Right.

Paul?

Hi. What are you doing here?

You forgot your keys.

What is this place?

Ah, it"s just a place I hang
out sometimes, you know?

Watch movies.

You"re drinking?

No, it"s a friend's.

You don"t have friends.

Thanks, I do occasionally...
[CHUCKLES] Have friends.

Okay, so what, you come
here and you watch...

You watch Working Girl?

Why are you watching
Working Girl?

You only watch Working Girl
when you"re feeling defeated.

You wanna hang out for a bit?

Watch Working Girl?

I can"t. I don"t have time.

Yeah. [KEYS RATTLING]

Thanks for the keys.

See you at home. Yeah,
see you at home.

[BELL DINGING]

Hello. Hello.

What are you doing?

I am tracing my own hand.

Okay, well, a few of us are
going to a bar down the street

if you would like to join us.

And by a few of us I
mean, there is no us,

it"s just me, alone.

But there will be people
in the background.

So, it should be fun.

I would, and thanks for the
invitation but I"m sober.

Oh, perfect, I"m an enabler.

So, this is great.

Rain check? Aw, come on.

It"ll be fun. Right?

Question mark,
exclamation point.

Another exclamation point,
dot, dot, dot, dot...

Okay, I"ll go if you
stop doing that.

Deal. Period.

So are you sober or
are you an alcoholic?

Well, I"m definitely sober.

Not sure if I"m an alcoholic.

But my wife is sure.

Cool. Yeah.

So how bad of an alcoholic
are we talking?

Do you, like, chug Listerine?

Do you keep gasoline
underneath your bed?

No, I was, like, old-school.

I just drank all
the human stuff.

But, like... Like a lot of it.

I like a man who can commit
to something.Mmm-hmm.

Does this mean you got
like an intervention?

Did people come and read
you letters and cry?

No, but that sounds amazing
and I would"ve loved one.

What happened to
me was I got into

into a really awesome
car accident.

Cool. Yeah.

You didn"t hit anybody, did you?

I did, a parking meter. [GASPS]

He didn"t make it.

Oh, no. It was fine.

He was kind of a
jerk parking meter.

[CHUCKLES] No, Jane, uh...
Jane gave me a choice.

Her or Scotch.

And I chose her.

Well, I choose Scotch.

And beer, and anything else
I can get my mouth around.

I did not say... I didn"t
mean it like that.

It doesn"t bother you if I drink
in front of you, does it?

No, no, no, other people drinking doesn"t
bother me as much as, you know, me not.

Which still annoys me.

Well, you seem to be handling
yourself quite nicely, you know?

Something right there.

Ow! Sorry.

[GLASS SHATTERING] [GASPS]

Fuck!

I"m gonna worry
about this later.

So that happened. Yep.

I"m in your bed.

Your joint bed.

You are married, you have a wife.
You know, your wife, Jane.

Where is Jane?

She"s gone for the
night with the kids.

Oh, my God.

Jane told me I could
have an affair.

So, I"m the affair?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Oh, my God.

Is that why you"ve been
hanging out with me?

Was so you could bait me?

So you could sleep with me?
So I can be your... Zoe, Zoe.

I like you.

You have no idea how
much I like you.

Oh, my God.

We"re bad people. No.

We"re good people.

We"re just failing
at it right now.

[GRUNTS]

Just...

I mean, we take the
same antidepressants.

I mean, that should
count for something.

Yeah, that"s the spirit.

[SCOFFS]

Listen, my life is, like,
super complicated right now.

I have no idea what"s
happening with my marriage.

But my kids, I mean,
they"re everything.

They"re the only thing I"ve ever
done right in my whole life.

Come here, come on.

We"ll figure it out.

Everything"s gonna be okay.

For somebody.

PAUL: It was too low.

I knew this would happen.

Let me do it. It was my fault.
I have it.

Leave it. Leave it! I got it.
I got it.

Leave it! I"ll do it!

[SIGHS]

[DOOR CHIMES JINGLING] Hi.

Jane, hi.

I didn"t even know
you worked here.

You didn"t?

No, Laser Town is packed.

I just came over for a...
For a wax.

Oh, great.

What were you thinking of doing?

Brazilian? Cool, I do that.

I do that. Okay.

Unless, of course, you wouldn"t
feel comfortable with...

Oh, no, you"re a professional.

So, I... I am
completely comfortable.

Great, why don"t you
just go back there,

make yourself comfortable
and I"ll be right in.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

All right, Jane, if you could spread
your legs in a frog-like position.

Like... Like this?

Excellent, thanks.

So how have you been doing?

Good.

I heard you went by the store.

Yes, I did. I"ve
gone by the store.

You know, I go by... I
go by all those stores.

Yeah, Paul"s having a really
hard time letting go of it.

Sorry.

All right, now you can go
ahead and pull your legs back

as far as you can,
excellent, yes.

You ever been married?

No, no, not yet.

You heard Lana and Peter are
already having trouble, right?

No, I had not heard that.

[WAX PAPER RIPPING]
[MOANING IN PAIN]

All right, Jane, you can go ahead and
lie down on your side, this direction.

Yeah, apparently he"s
been cheating on her.

Oh, you know, I...

You know, I guess that"s
something that people do.

All right, Jane, now
this is something fun,

I never thought I would
be asking you to do.

But could you spread
your right butt cheek?

Excellent.

Wait, is it the wax?

No, I"m just having
a panic attack.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Oh, I
have those all the time,

it"s a repetitive
sound disorder.

Maybe that"s... Is it the sound?

No, it"s fine, I'm breathing.

This is breathing and
it means I"m not dying.

Okay, are you sure? Can I get
you something, some water?

No. A Xanax?

It"ll help the water
go down easier.

No, it"s just something
that happens lately.

I spontaneously start crying.

It"s like I have a
disease or something.

No, you"re okay.

How do you know that?

I guess it"s just something
that people say.

But I"m sure it"s
true occasionally.

Zoe? Yeah?

Can you just finish waxing
my asshole so I can go?

Of course.

[WHIMPERS]

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[BABY CRYING] Mazel Tov.

I just want to say thank you
to everybody for coming.

This is has been the
most successful bris.

Well, that"s subjective.

Thank you for having us.

It"s been lovely.

[BABY CRYING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Are you gonna get him?

No, no. We are practicing
the "Cry It Out" method.

So, it is agony.

But it is better for
him in the long run.

Oh, actually they"ve
just proven that

lack of emotional support
when you"re young

can have a real damaging
effect later in life.

So, it"s all over the blogs.

Our son eats off the floor.

No, really, he chews bones

and the other day we found him
drinking water out of the toilet.

So, anything that Jane
says about parenting

you should, you know,
do the opposite.

This flatware is lovely.

Thank you. Yeah.

You know, I actually from...

Because you"re father of
the fucking year, right?

No, I"m sorry. I'm sorry
that I make all the money

and I take care
of our three kids

and I have my parents bail
us out of bankruptcy.

You"re right, I'm just a terrible
mom and a terrible wife.

I paid for that money, Jane.

Trust me, I fucking paid for it.

How"s that wine treating you, Sweetie?
It"s delicious, thanks.

Would you pass the...
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Hey, look, everyone.

Now it"s all out in the open.

Look, everybody,
Jane is a smoker.

See, now everybody knows
and nobody cares.

You"re right I'm a terrible,
terrible human being,

because sometimes I
have a cigarette.

Right? Okay?

Uh...

There, you win!

Okay? You win!

If winning mean losing
your job, getting a DUI,

and bringing nothing
to the table sexually.

I mean, you think I
just wanna roll over

and get fucked the exact same
way for the rest of my life?

It is Groundhog Day! My vagina
is fuckin" Bill Murray!

Aw, I love Bill Murray.

You"re embarrassing yourself.

You know what? You"ve been
embarrassing me our entire marriage!

Jane, can I get you an ashtray?

No, it"s fine. No?

JANE: Thank you,
have a great bris.

[DOOR SLAMMING]

Well, I have never
been to a bris before.

But this is great.

Zoe. Whoo.

Zoe, do you think
I can"t see you?

Oh, I"m sorry, I just really need
my face in my hair right now.

You mean your hair in your face?

I mean my hair in my face, Paul.

Hi. Hi. You okay?

Yeah, I"m actually...
Are you kidding me?

I signed up for life
classes through Oprah,

because she does that and
then I got corn tortillas

instead of flour because I
heard that was better for you

and I, I...

Fuck, I"m doing awesome.

Okay, listen, I"m
really sorry, um...

I"m really sorry
about what happened.

I"m not sorry that it happened.
I just...

[GRUNTS] I suck at words.

I"m so much better at mixed CDs.

Yeah, me, too.

I just, I REO Speedwagon
Can"t Fight This Feeling.

Paul, you can"t admit to
liking REO Speedwagon.

It"s not even cool in an
ironic way like Tom Petty.

Yeah, Tom Petty is
not cool in any way.

What are you... Are you
serious right now?

Tom Petty is not cool? I
can"t, you know what?

No, I"m not doing this here.

I cannot argue with you about the
coolness of Tom Petty out in the open.

It"s just way too intimate.

Then come inside. I"m
not coming inside.

This is... I can"t do this.

It"s just...

He was an escort.

[CHUCKLES] The guy I was with.

He was a what?

He was a prostitute.

He was a fucking prostitute.

You paid someone?

You paid someone?

[SCOFFS]

How much did they charge?

Why is there an eviction
notice on your door?

I don"t know.

Zo, what"s wrong?

[SLAMS TABLE]

I slept with Paul.

Paul of Paul and Jane?

I mean, it"s okay, you know?
People fuck people.

I don"t know how this
is my life, you know?

I worked so hard not
to be like my parents.

Not to be a failure.

I don"t want to lose
everything that I have.

Okay, what do people in this
town love more than anything?

Tacos. More than tacos.

Music.

I have the bands,

you have a pretty vacant
space with your store.

I say we charge a cover

and... I don"t know,
see what happens.

You think that would work?

I mean, we might as
well try, right?

Sir, you! Ma"am!

[BOTH CHEERING]

See this, Austin?

We can"t find Nate.
Nathan"s missing.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, did you pay a cover?

No, you can"t sneak in here.

You need to go to the front and you
need to pay. CLAIRE: Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.

Hey! Relax.

This is going so great. I
have someone at the door.

Oh, great. Yeah. Wait, you
wanna take a shot with me?

No, and why don"t you
slow your roll, okay?

I"m having fun,
Claire, loosen up.

This is going great.

Why don"t we get you some water?

Okay, you look
like a total mess.

Phew.

Nathan!

Come on, bud, Nate!

Did you find him? Yeah,
Jane, I found him.

"Just decided to stand out here and continue
calling his name like a fuckin" idiot.

I"m sorry! It"s not your fault.

He does this all the
time, we"ll find him.

Yes, it is, it"s my fault.

Everything is fucking my fault!

It was the both of us. Nate!

You know, that I get off
work and I come here,

and I walk around the
block three or four times

before I even come inside?

Why? Why do you do that?

Because I can"t believe
that I am this.

This wife, this mother, it
just doesn"t seem real.

I never wanted to be one
of these fucking people.

What people?

People who live just
to endure each other.

That"s everyone we know.
That"s marriage!

It"s not!

You think...

You think I tried to
be a shitty wife?

No, I tried! I tried
to do my best!

I worked hard, I took
care of the bills,

I took care of the children. I
tried to be attracted to you.

Wait, what?

What do you... You tried to be attracted...
What does that even mean?

Recently, the thought of having
sex with you just repulses me.

Wow, this...

I"m just trying to
be honest for once.

Yeah, your honesty, it"s just
another way for you to hurt people.

Look at our house, nothing fits!

You are buying furniture for a
house we don"t even live in!

Nathan! Nathan!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

WOMAN: Found him!

[NATHAN BARKING] [LAUGHS]

Must be hard, being
this self-righteous.

You have no idea.

ZOE: Thank you so much
for coming out tonight!

[CROWD CHEERING]

And giving a hands
up to Sailor Poon.

Look at these ladies.

And speaking of poon, let"s
not forget why we"re here.

So that our poons can get waxed

by a local business
and not Laser Town,

which is basically the
Illuminati of pubic hair.

Now tonight, we"re gonna
take back what"s ours!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Let"s take it to the streets!

Come on!

They can"t break us.

CROWD: Ohh!

Plexiglass, you gotta
be fucking kidding me.

This just stupid...

CROWD: Ohh!

[POLICE SIRENS RINGING] Damn it!
Stupid!

Ow! Fuck!

Ow! Fuck! [CRYING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[SIGHS]

Thanks for bailing me out.

The covers paid half
and the other half...

I"ll pay you back, I promise.

How, Zoe, how are you
gonna pay me back?

You don"t have anything.

Look, Claire, I"m sorry.

I was wasted, I got
out of control.

Your parents spent
their whole lives

running from where
you just were.

Wow, that was a really low blow.

God, Zoe, you need to grow up!

Okay, so you didn"t win at life,

you didn"t get some
grand fucking prize,

no one does and no one
owes you anything.

And, I mean, forget winning,
because how you lose

is just as much a
part of who you are.

And no offense, but you"re
kind of an asshole.

You know what? Just
pay me back whenever.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What"s up?

What, did you rob a bank?

I got my job back at Beer Land.

That"s oddly stable of you.

I know that I suck
at relationships.

And I"m full of shit,

and I act like I"m right
about everything,

because I am so fucking scared
to be wrong, all the time.

But you"re my best friend and
I really, really do love you.

And I say that out
loud, like, never.

So...

I love you.

You"re being totally
emo right now.

Yeah, I"m really trying to get
better at this emo stuff.

Feels good.

I caught Jim fucking his office.

Like the wall?

No, the people. [SNIFFLES]

And he didn"t even invite you?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh.

You"re invited.

Well, you can come to my
office fuck party anytime.

I can"t believe our 5-year-old
needs to see a shrink.

You think he"s okay?

He"ll be fine.

He probably loves the attention.

I mean, do you think he is okay?

Yes, I think he"s fine.

Okay.

You know, I"m really sorry about
the whole prostitution thing.

[CHUCKLING] It"s not funny.

[LAUGHING] I mean, come on.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I didn"t keep up.

Wow, I can"t remember the last
time I"ve seen you laugh.

Oh, my God, that"s depressing.

I know this sounds
fucked up, but...

If we were gonna fail, I"m really
glad that I failed with you.

Good game.

Good game.

Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey, man. Hi.

Oh, look at you. Oh, hello.

Up on your knees.
You look taller.

Look at that, he"s okay?

No. Blow it out, Zoe.

Make a wish.

[SIGHS] I wish I wasn"t old.

Like a viable wish.

I wish I were dead.

Or rich.

You know what I actually wish?
I wish I were British?

I think I"d be very
charming if I were British.

Cheerio. [GASPS] It worked.

No, it didn"t.

God, I"m really bad at accents.

You are, you actually
are really bad at it.

I know this isn"t where you
imagined yourself at this age.

You mean closing my
failing business, single?

I don"t know, it
seems about right.

[GASPS] Did you hear
about Peter and Lana?

He filed for divorce.

You got me bad news
for my birthday?

You know I love other
people"s bad news.

Speaking of, Paul and Jane,
while no longer Paul and Jane.

Wow, really?

You gonna hit that?

No. Why?

I think I"m gonna be celibate.

Oh. [SCOFFS] That"ll last.

Uh, it will last. I
will be celibate.

[ZOE HUMMING]

Hey. Nice sign.

A little on the nose. [SIGHS]

I know. [CHUCKLES]

This is great, congrats.

Thanks. It"s amazing.

Thank you very much.

You know, all my life, I"ve
anticipated failure so much

it"s kind of bizarre when
it"s not actually happening.

Mmm.

Sounds nice, enjoy it.

Hey, I heard about you and Jane.

And I"m really sorry.

"How you holdin" up?

Oddly well.

That"s good to hear.

Yeah, except for one thing.

What?

I keep trying to not
be in love with you.

And it does not
seem to be working.

Hmm, interesting turn
of events.Mmm-hmm.

Let me just lay out
some ground rules.

There"s gonna be no
sleeping together, no sex.

I"m so sorry. Okay,
great, see you.

All right.

Come here. [LAUGHS]

Hey.

Yeah?

I think I"m comin'
around on Tom Petty.

Okay, we can have sex.

Let"s fuck. Oh, fantastic.

ZOE: The table"s very small
but it is full-service.

No, wait, I have an idea.
No, wait, don"t leave me.

[LAUGHS] No, I need to get this.
Don"t leave me.

Come on. All right.

Promise, this is gonna be good.

One, two, three.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[MACHINERY WHIRS]

Good one. Got it.

Do this? No, no.

I"ve seen people do this.

Told you.

My most memorable blowjobs
was with a celebrity.

Oh, I try not to brag about
that too much, uh...

But I met Rick Moranis

right after Honey,
I Shrunk the Kids

and, honey, did I
shrink his kids.

You know? [ALL LAUGHING]

I"m sweating.

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