Original subtitles

Outlicious Happy Anniversary!

Oh shit!

Get out!

On your anniversary he should at least invited you.

Fuck him!

That's your answer for everything.

Well apparently somebody beat me to it.

You can do better than him anyway.

Here, here.

I think you should just blow off some steam.

You guys, we should go to a club tonight.

You know clubs aren't really my thing.

They can be so superficial.

You don't need a rocket scientist for a rebound fuck.

Just someone to launch your rocket.

Very funny.

Besides, I'm not in the mood to play eyeball tag across a dance floor with some drunk all

night.

Well, eyeball tag always leads to ball tag.

Is that an Olympic sport yet?

Wanna try out for the team?

Definitely.

I think we're all superficial in our own way.

What do you mean?

Well if were all on a deserted island with Bill Gates and Ashton Kutcher I think we would

all pick Ashton.

Oh no, not me.

I pick Bill Gates and have him buy me Ashton.

That's not superficial, that's smart.

He's more like me everyday.

So how did you two meet?

The internet.

No way.

Hey, I think maybe we should place an ad for you.

Oh no, I'm not doing internet dating.

Come on, Kevin, it could be fun.

You can be our own little project.

Yeah, we can take care of everything.

Besides Mr. Right could be just a click away.

I'll get your laptop.

No, I'm not doing this.

Okay.

This is the site we used.

Look!

Gina and Tina from Oxnard found love on here.

Looks like they found bad hair.

Hey, last I heard the mullet is back.

In Oxnard maybe.

Alright let's get started.

You need a catchy headline.

How about young, dumb and full of- Catchy not trashy.

This isn't escorts-r-us.

Mary seeking Rhoda?

How about, my friends won't take no for an answer.

No, too truthful.

Adam seeking Steve.

Tacky.

It's catchy.

And Biblical.

Maybe you can say something about sparing a bone.

Matt, the Comedy Store called you may have purchased a defective sense of humor.

Yeah, now they call.

Alright, how hung are you?

What?

How big is your cock?

No, I don't want that posted on the internet.

Hello, you're gay in LA it's required information.

Kevin, it's on everyone's headshot.

Fine.

Seven.

And thick!

Alright, let's say eight and a half.

What?

And thick!

You know, don't lie!

Haven't you heard of internet inches?

Okay, one last all important question.

Top or bottom?

Hello.

Hey.

We haven't met.

I just moved in a week ago.

Gabe apartment twenty-seven.

Kevin.

Well, I'm on my way to the gym but it was nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

See you around.

I thought I told you to leave.

I just needed to grab a few things I'm really sorry.

You know, I don't want to hear it.

Hello?

Hello?

I hope you didn't take him back.

No he's just getting a few things.

What's up?

Well I just wanted to tell you about the line up of eligible bachelors that responded.

Hot!

So tell me about the lucky contestants.

Well, there is Chad a rocket scientist.

So there is intelligent life out there.

And Brad, an accountant for one of the big four

Honey, I wouldn't consider four big.

Oh Jesus.

Um, alright I'll go with Chad.

A deep space adventure could be nice.

I had a really nice time.

Hope you had a nice time.

It certainly was... interesting.

You know, I don't usually get to date someone so hot.

Thanks.

You know, I um...

I have to get up really early for work tomorrow.

So you're not going to invite me up?

You know I would but um...

I have roomies.

Oh, it's okay.

How about a goodbye kiss.

You know what?

Um...

I had a really lot of garlic.

Your breath smells fine to me.

You know it's embarrassing, too much.

I know it's just enough.

You're coming home with me, tiger.

You know what?

Over my dead body.

Oh exactly.

Oh my god!

Yes, oh yes!

Hey neighbor.

Sorry.

You locked out?

Yeah, I just had this psycho date and I left my keys in his car.

Do you need to use my phone?

No, I have a key hidden in the hallways but could you just let me in?

Sure.

So, how creepy was this guy?

Let's just say I thought I was going to end up on the Channel 9 news.

Well, I'll keep a look out for any crazies.

Thanks.

So, how was it?

I am going to kill you.

That bad, huh?

This guy literally wouldn't let me out of his car, he kept locking the door.

Ouch.

Well, we got your bad apple out of the way.

So about tomorrow night.

No, I am not going on any more dates.

But, I promise Brad is perfect.

He's an easy lay.

What?

Nice!

Hey, you into role play?

Uh, sure yeah.

Good.

I want you to go into that closet there.

I want you to take something out and put it on for me.

Okay.

Okay.

You mean this?

I'm going to make you my bitch.

So you're just setting me up these dates for your entertainment.

Perhaps.

Oh look, a Victoria's Secret maybe we can pick you out something special for your next

date.

If you even think I'm going on another internet date you're crazy.

Oh, come on.

Just one more.

I promise no more freaks.

Thanks, asshole!

I'm so sorry.

You should be.

I was in a rush to get back to my car before I got a ticket I wasn't paying attention.

That's obvious.

Here let me help.

I was going to wear this out tonight.

So we meet again.

We do.

It's my favorite shirt.

Well, look, I gotta get going.

But, you know where I live so give me a bill.

Will do.

You'll hear from my attorney!

So I guess no Victoria's Secret.

About your next date.

Mr. Persistent, I am not going on anymore internet dates.

Oh, but this guy really seems like your type.

Oh yeah, like Chad and Brad.

Who's this one, Conrad?

Or perhaps that gymnast Vlad.

No, Matt and I kept the gymnast for ourselves.

We gave him a ten for his work on the parallel bars.

And here I was expecting a pommel horse joke.

Yeah, you like my stocking?

Yeah!

Yeah, come on show me how much you like my stocking, bitch!

Come on!

Yeah!

What the fuck!

I can explain!

I changed the locks.

I know where you hide your key.

Besides, I pay half the rent.

You haven't paid for two months.

I don't have job.

I don't care!

And I don't need your money.

Just...

Just get out.

Hey neighbor.

Hello again.

Problems?

Yeah, I just caught my boyfriend- my ex-boyfriend cheating and I'm in the process of getting

him out.

So that's what's going on in there.

You know I've seen so many people in and out of there in ten minutes, I thought you were

running a tanning salon.

Probably just as many Rays.

That was cheap.

Yeah, I know.

Do people in this building usually keep to themselves?

What do you mean?

Well I've introduced myself to everyone and you know where I live; but, no one stops by.

I'm sorry I've been really busy.

I totally understand.

I was mainly kinda hoping you would ask to hang out.

Are you asking me out?

Would you be interested?

Yeah, totally.

Alright, come get me at eight?

Outlicious.