Original subtitles

Cleaned, corrected, re-synced, dialogue added etc. by Tronar (still sub-standard, but it was very low quality material to begin with)

I believe in Norway.

I always said it's the best country in the world.

But those damn politicians have set up a refuge camp close to my house.

That was three months ago, and I haven't slept since.

The other afternoon I went over to them to tell them a thing or two.

I brought the dog.

I was polite and all, but they refused to turn down the music.

Now eh... Hector... Hector is sensitive. Yes.

He started barking.

And that was when one of them kicked him.

Broke his jaw.

I told the police, but they don't do nothing.

Why did you go to the police? Why not come to me first?

I know that I... But... that was before.

- Before what? - Before I knew what kind of man you are.

Good.

Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to shovel some snow.

But, until that day comes accept this as a gift...

on the weekend my kids are baptized.

- We will look into your problem. - Thank you.

What a putz.

Hey girls, how's the party out there?

We should get a joint christening gift for Johnny. What do you think, my brother?

No. I'm knitting him a gift myself.

What the fuck? Is that not a bit feminine? There are plenty of men who knit now.

Who? Have you ever heard of Arne & Carlos?

You are a cute little knitter. Aunt Torgeir. Aunt Torgeir?

"I think you're so cute" Just kidding with you, you know.

Cheers! Cheers!

One of the scandinavians told me something funny yesterday.

Why are all British chicks so fucking ugly?

Because the vikings raped and kidnapped all the pretty ones.

For fuck sake lighten up, will you. I said I'm sorry, didn't I.

Should we stop for a fuck? Cheer you up.

Right lane fucking driving. It's not natural.

You are now approaching Lillehammer.

- So tell me godfather, we are set for tomorrow? - You bet your ass. And you know what?

We gonna sit on the front row, because I've bribed the church boss. So we get front row.

- Ringside? - Yeah. - I love it. - Yeah.

And one more thing... I made this.

What's this? "Assburn and Assberg"?

It's the name of your babies. Asbjørn and Asbjørg.

What? Didn't Sigrid tell you about the names?

My twins not gonna be know as the asstwins. You should've straightened this out.

I didn't know it was the godfather's responsibility to..

I gotta to take this, boss. Yes, Torgeir.

"Assburn"?

Fucking hobos. They've no respect for nothing!

And stay out, you fucking bum.

- Boss? What? - What?

What are you doing with the priest?

- What I do with what? - He is the priest!

Ohh Jesus Christ I'm sorry, your Excellency! I thought you just another homeless jerk-off stealing from God.

Do you want to go in and sit down?

- Is everything OK? - Yes everything's fine.

He looked a bit dizzy, didn't he? He'll be alright.

How does that look...? A little further to the left.

Yes, there. A little... a little further down.

Check that out, Yvonne.

- You Dag? - Yeah. - Duncan. We spoke on the phone.

Wow! It is even cooler than the picture on the Internet.

Yes mate, gorgeous innit yeah.

So?

I have a client who's been looking for exactly this type of car.

- And I made myself clear about no paperwork. - Yeah. Yeah. No paper work.

The customer... Oh the potential customer also prefers cash payment.

That's music to my ears, mate.

Hi there! Are you enjoying Norway so far?

Oh yeah. This is as wonderful as my first dose of chlamydia.

Is that the reception? Fantastic location. Quiet and calm.

There's our guy. Right there.

Woah! Where are these refugees from? Ibiza?

Hey! You have to turn down the music!

Randi? Hi Jan! How nice. It's been a long time.

I'm so close to sending a complaint to the Immigration Authority.

Are you aware that one of your residents attacked your neighbor's dog.

My god, that's so cruel.

Daddy's home! Have you missed me?

What's the matter? You can't hear me.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What the fuck!

Rules to live by...

Always do exactly as you're told by the crazy fuck with the gun in your face.

Ohh! And the Lillehammer canine society says hello.

What's happened with you? You used to have the tidiest desk in the council.

It has been a little tough for me. Trying to cope with the transition to the private sector.

- Now the pieces fall into place. - Really?

African salad.

I actually had a summer job working for the UNHCR in Somalia in 2002.

Not the first time I've seen a Khat plant, Randi.

I got some from a Somalian to make me cope with the work pressure.

- Relax, I can put it away tomorrow. - I have to report this to the Immigration Authority.

- I can quit tomorrow. I'm in full control. - I cannot let this lie, I have to report it.

Do you remember that night, in the inventory room?

After the Desmond Tutu conference? You remember that?

- Where you been? - The manager needed some professional input.

- Who'd give you all those major appliances? - Probably donated, I think.

You know, I thought this refugee stuff was all do-gooders,

but eh... there's some business opportunities here, huh?

Yes, there are loads of money in integration.

Look in to it. See if we can get in on some of that action.

Ahh, look at you! Look at these guys, ha.

- What's going on? - Did you not know? The christening is canceled.

The priest has a concussion, I think.

- Ah! Probably because you knocked his head... - From that skateboarding. That's dangerous.

- Well it's so cold, I'll put the kids in the car. - Don't worry, I will get another date.

- Sure? - I promise.

Bye, bye.

You know? Could be a blessing in disguise.

Give us the chance to throw out the whole ass-name situation.

- Good thinking, boss. - Yes. You know...

I've saved up for the buffet all day. Then it got canceled. I am starved.

- Throw a bit more onto it there like that? Ok. - That's 45 kroner.

- Plus a soda. - Then it's 60 kroner.

- I'm not going to pay for it. - You forgot to ask if I'm having a drink.

- That's at Statoil. - Nope, that's everywhere.

It's free if you forget to ask a customer if he wants a drink. That's how it is sweetheart.

Hello.

Oh shit! Damn cool eh?

What? It's beyond cool. Have you bought it?

No, just testing it out a bit. Considering buying it, we'll see.

Get in Come on, let's fucking go!

Check out the sound

vibrates deep inside your arse.

Not too much, the tank's supposed to be full when I return it. Relax who cares! Still though.

Becoming a godfather to two kids? Yeah, it's great.

But there is one thing I'm wondering about.

Because Johnny is a different religion, he's Catholic.

What are the godfather's responsibilities when it comes to the foreskin?

Do I have to hold the knife when they circumcise the cock head?

- Catholics don't do that. - Are you sure? - 100%.

- Ok. Stop, stop, stop, stop! - What is it?

- Where are we now boys? - The Vingnes bridge.

- Your phone. - No! No!

Torgeir we're in a ferrari on the Vingnes bridge. Don't be a pussy.

- I'm responsible for the Ferrari. - Yeah, yeah.

Ok, car racers all over the world!

We are now going set the speed record on the Vingnes bridge in Lillehammer in Norway.

Be prepared, motherfuckers!

Faster, it's pulling my balls!

- Are you filming? - Yeah, I'm filming.

It's the car dealer, I have to answer.

- Stop it. - Don't be childish!

Yes, the first exercise today is inspired

by something I picked up working as a pearl diver off the Aeolian Islands.

Pair up in twos Sigrid will you come with me?

You go to the swim instructor, and you stay with mummy.

- Do you work out? - No why?

You look too good to have just given birth to twins.

I've always been naturally slim.

Naturally smashing is more like it.

- Shall I hold them while you see your husband? - He's my ex. We're no longer together.

So... how are my future Olympics swimmers going? They kicking the other kids' asses or what?

It's not a competition. They don't get any scores.

Looks like "David Hasselhoff" over there is trying to score.

- I stopped by to discuss the baby name crisis. - What name crisis?

Well eh... sure you aren't aware of it, but...

In my language the ass prefix has an unfortunate connotation.

Try concentrating more on the christening, everyone else has a new date except us.

- Maybe the priest doesn't like us? - Come on... everybody loves Johnny.

Listen, don't worry about a thing, alright. Take care of our future gold medalists

then we fight round two of the baby name game later.

Padre, you gotta a minute?

Guys, give me two minutes. I'll be back.

- Good to see you're feeling better. - Yes, I'm fine.

I hear there has been some difficulty rescheduling the date of the baptism. What's that about?

- You're still holding a grudge about what happened outside of the church. - That's fine.

What's not fine is what's happening at your club.

- I don't follow you, father. - Come on... you're a bad influence in the city.

Our warden found one of your guests in the street last weekend.

Lying naked, drunk with a tampon with alcohol in his anus.

- I can assure you, I had no part in that scenario. - Come on!

Look, I can see you having a beef with me. But it's not very christian taking it out on the kids.

I'll christen your kids. On one condition:

- That I can christen you too. - What?

I ain't bowing my head to no god that hangs out with a hip hop hippie trying to be with it.

My god is a proud Catholic god. He looks down on skateboards and gay head-wear.

Excuse me, I'm off to skate with the kids. Have a nice day!

This will be fine, I've patched up worse things. It'll be fine.

A new windscreen, some new paint. As good as new.

Are you sure it's clever to do this on your own?

Rather call the insurance company?

To say we hit a moose while breaking the record on the bridge?

Just promise me you will fix this.

Uncle Roy will sort this out.

Roy hates being disturbed in the garage, but he'll be finished soon.

It will be fine right? The damage was minimal?

Don't worry. Don't stress out.

We just want it to be perfect.

Damn it, I forgot the petrol tank was in the front.

Shit! What's the story with the insurance.

Well, it's not an obvious insurance case this.

No, but no need to panic.

Let's report the car stolen then.

You arrange the paperwork with the owner.

You're good at that right? Yeah, but I don't know if.

Do as Torgeir says ok? Yes.

Great, this will sort itself out.

Hello?

No, Help!

Please, let me go!

Please don't do this to me.

Sorry about all the drama, we didn't wanna spoil the surprise.

- Do you remember that little chat we had? - Yeah.

Yeah well.. Suddenly it hit me.

What if he's right. Maybe, I'm not contributing enough to the community?

So... I got this idea.

We've built a ramp for you and the kids.

Is all this A whole skate hall for me and the kids?

Yeah, a community move It's insane man!

It's plywood all over this can't have been cheap.

Only the best for my kids priest.

Hi! Hi! That's great service. Yes a bit extra on a day like this.

Oh No! What have we here then?

Hi! Hi! Ha ha.

We're going to a christening.

Oh yes, what are their names? Asbjørn and Asbørg.

Oh, yes, yes.

- Aren't they fine names? - Yes, no, ask my nephew. His name is Asbjørn.

He went to Australia to study medicine.

Was never called anything but asshole.

It was so bad he came home after the first semester.

- That's sad. - He's ok now. He drives a snowplough instead.

You choose the names you like.

Maybe these two won't want to study abroad, or be on Facebook like all the other kids.

As many of you know, I've skated down the roof of the Opera house in the rain.

And that was fantastic, but nothing can compare

to the kick I get welcoming two new little ones to the club of people that dig Jesus.

God bless them, their coming and their going now and forever.

I draw on you the holy cross.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost I name thee Asbjørn.

No, wait, wait

I christen you Bjørn and Bjørg.

Hey, hey.

- Are you hiding from me? - No.

Well, I sincerely hope you got my Ferrari or pile cash lying around here somewhere.

Please, sit down.

I have some... not so good news.

I take my "not so good news" like I take my blow jobs: stood up!

- You see... The car is stolen. - Stolen?

Yeah, yeah, but all I need, is a signature on some papers...

Paperwork really ain't my cup of tea.

Why don't you just take me to the gentleman, who's borrowed my car.

I think it's about time me and him had a little bit of a chit-chat, don't you.

I am so sorry, we have issues with the professional secrecy here.

- Do you know what I've issues with. - No.

Dishonesty. I can't tolerate it.

I think it's not a bad time I told you the story about my football supporting days.

- I follow the team called Millwall. You heard of us? - Yeah.

Back in the day we had a bit of reputation for being a little bit naughty.

Can you believe that?

On this one occasion, the old bill they come up with this new set of rules

that made it virtually impossible for us to take weapons into the matches.

Killjoys. So one of our lads, really great geezer came with this genius idea.

Excuse me.

We called it the Millwall brick.

Now?

Do you wanna start talking to me? Or do you wanna start talking to the brick?

Yeah, hello. This is Jan.

- That's from me. - It's nice, I think.

- Yeah, I knitted it on my own. - You know, I believe that.

It's not quite finished yet, there's a seam, I couldn't do. It was too difficult for me.

- Brother you're so good at knitting for the babies. - You're so childish.

I'm sorry, but I have to go to see the asylum lady. Crisis.

You go right ahead. Take care of business.

I am very proud to say...

the moose we are serving in here today, was shot by none other than godfather himself.

Let's hear it for him.

- Salut. - Cheers

I hope you'll enjoy eating it as much as I enjoyed killing it.

Bon appétit.

- The boy, heh. - Yes.

Hello? Randi?

- Hi, hi, Randi! - Hi!

What are you doing here? Don't you remember calling?

You said there was a big black guy with a knife at your window.

God, that's so embarrassing. I must have called you in my sleep.

That was no dream Randi. It's Khat psychosis.

You've chewed enough African Salad to feed an entire Somali football team.

It's complete chaos in here. You're not fit to live on your own.

- Dear... - Take of your cap.

Jerk.

- Dear Asbjørn and Asbjørg. - Bjørn and Bjørg.

Yeah, Bjørn and Bjørg. It's an honor to stand here as godfather.

It's normal in speeches to start with a funny story.

So I thought I'd open with a comical misunderstanding.

Johnny is a catholic, so for months I was dreading the circumcision.

Do I hold the baby's cock when they cut it? Because I don't like cock or blood.

Johnny. But thankfully my knowledgeable friend could.

Ok.

But religion and politics don't belong at a christening.

So I'll skip to the stars of the show, the twins.

Dear Bjørn and Bjørg.

Daddy, are you ok? No, you're bleeding!

Come on.

He's bleeding from the mouth.

What the fuck?

Try holding it close.

- You're okay, my old friend? - Yes.

- We have to leave now! I can't stop this! - What happened? Lose a filling?

I think you should ask your godfather, how he really shot that moose!

You're bleeding all over. You should try...

Fucking pieces of metal! Please tell me, you are not serving roadkill at my kids baptism!

- What? - Shut up! What kinda godfather are you?

I should have picked someone more responsible! Like Jan!

I... I... I... I didn't... No... How could...? I just...

It's obvious that you need help to get the centre up to scratch.

So I have made a agreement about how we can cooperate.

But I'm not selling the centre, at least not that cheap.

Would you rather I explained to the authorities that the fate of war refugees is in the hands of a junkie?

You can't do this to an old conference colleague!

Have you forgotten that night at the Desmond Tutu conference?

Enough. That night? Yes. Do you know how many times I tried to contact you afterwards?

You didn't even bother answering. And I didn't complain. But that was the old Jan.

The obedient bitch that begged everyone to like him.

Can you get the coffee Jan? And sort these documents.

While I spend a romantic weekend with my lover.

Know what happened to that bitch?

It died when I got fired from my old job. What you see now is a fighting dog!

And it's not fucking tame! Sign the contract!

The new Jan scares me.

But he makes your panties a bit wet too doesn't he?

- Is the party over already? - Yeah.

Took a wrong turn when car parts started showing up in the dead animal.

- Maybe... this will help? - What's this?

Randi at the refugee centre has kindly put us on the board. We're co-owners man! It worth ten times as price.

This looks like quite a bargain. Worth ten times the price.

The leader has a weakness for herbs you can't find in the supermarket.

It created a good climate for negotiation.

- You know... You are a fast learner. - I have a great teacher, that's all.

Come here.

- Private party here tonight. - I will deliver some flowers.

- What kind a flowers? - Forget-me-nots.

You went down like a sack of shit!

What's up with him?

Good evening, you bunch of silly fuckers.

Somebody in this fucking shit-hole has borrowed my beautiful yellow Ferrari!

I would like it back! Please.

Fucking cunt!

Come on, you fucking shags!

Vikings? I fucking shit them!

You the hero?

Nice and steady. That's it.

Shh...

You got it.

Bang!

I've never fired a gun before. Does this work?

Fuck me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on over here?

- Are you the proprietor of this establishment. - Yes, this is my club.

- And you making quite mess of it. - Am I? Oh yeah.

It appears that one of your clientele has misplaced my vehicle.

Come on, my friend... Let's have a drink and take it easy.

You are not my friend, I don't drink, and I haven't taken it easy since 1991.

Now, where is my fucking car?

Ohh! I wish I could help you to find it,

So I could stick it up to your fucking limey ass!

I'd like to propose a toast...

to one less American.

- Jesus fuck, what was that all about? - Long story.

I'll make time.

Jesus... Oh god...

All right, boys...

I could lecture you for days on the magnitude of this fuckup.

But I think we'd better get to the task at hand.

- Now eh... - Excuse me.

Here's what we gonna do:

Bring the car up to Faberg bridge, bring Wayne Rooney's ugly brother with you.

- Make it look like traction problem. - Traction problem?

- Did I say "Questions" - Not exactly.

Then shut the fuck up! You got this?

It makes sense for the people who made this mess to clean it up.

And with those words of wisdom, I bid you adieu.

So that's where you've been hiding?

What's up buddy? Did you see his eyes?

Yeah, yeah, I saw his eyes. Did you see his gun? You did what you had to do in there.

- Yeah. I always fuck up. You know. - I can't disagree with you there.

But... Taking on that crazy fuck with knitting equipment... That took cojones.

Yeah. I am a fuck up.

Come on. Pull yourself together, godfather.

- I'm still a godfather? - Yeah, you saved our ass in there last night.

But... but what about Jan? Isn't he a more responsible type?

Look, Jan is good for business, but he don't have the heart.

Okay. So I'm still a godfather. I promise, I won't fuck up again.

Let's not get too hasty with the promises.

- Let's take it one day at a time. - Yeah.

I'm still a godfather. I'm still the godfather.

Hello.

Danny? It's me. Rosemary. Look, I ain't got all day so just listen, ok?

Go on then.

Me and your brother have had one of our tiffs, but this time it's different.

He was supposed to meet me at the hotel last night, but he didn't show up.

- So? - I think something's happened to him.

Just come help me here. I'm... I'm flat broke. I'm all alone and I'm in fucking Lillehammer.

Ok, Rosie. I'll just do some business here and I'll come right over.