Original subtitles

Why is your ex trending so hard on Twitter?

'Cause Dill's the worst.

Elijah, please don't make me click on a hashtag.

Fine.

He wants to adopt, but he only wants a white baby.

And he got caught trying to buy one on the black market.

Ew.

Now I finally get why you dumped that sexy creep.

Yeah.

That's why I straight up ghosted his ass.

Hey,

um, would you...

- Oh, you'd look so pretty in this. - Mm.

Would you cover my shift tomorrow?

You're never busy in advance, just sick from your drugs.

What you got?

There's an open call.

Since when are you auditioning?

I thought you were scared you'd get too famous.

Well, to be honest, after college, I auditioned a bunch.

I just wasn't booking anything.

I remember I went on this audition for a commercial for Papa John's.

I had to say, "They stuffed it!"

It was for the stuffed crust pizza.

And after I left the room, I heard the casting directors laughing at me.

I waited around all day to say, "They stuffed it,"

and I just got laughed at.

It was... it was humiliating.

Dude, that's being an actor.

90% of my auditions go that way.

What's the one tomorrow for?

It's for a workshop of a new musical, "White Men Can't Jump!"

Holy shit, they made that into a musical?

- Yeah. - You're perfect for that.

You think so?

Of course. You're the whitest guy I know.

Thank you.

Sync & Corrections by PetaG www.addic7ed.com

Hi. I'm Elijah Krantz.

- Hi, Elijah Krantz. - No, don't talk.

It's not a fucking AA meeting, okay? They don't talk.

- I just talk. - Got it.

Hi, I'm Elijah Krantz.

Well, I believe in the soul,

the cock,

the pussy,

the small of a woman's back,

the hangin' curveball...

high fiber, good Scotch,

that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.

Hannah, why are you looking at your phone?

I'm so sorry. By the way, that was amazing.

- You wrote that, right? - Yeah, basically. I Googled it.

What the fuck, Hannah?

I'm sorry, it's just, I'm waiting for Paul-Louis to call me back.

It's really stressful. What if he wants to, like, move in with us or something?

Ugh.

Do not let another homeless woman in here, please.

She was fun. You know it.

Yes?

Can I come in?

Yeah.

No. No! Why are you here?

Everywhere I go, there's paparazzi. They won't leave me alone.

I just got in my car and I started driving.

And then my driver noted that...

we were near your place and I took that as a sign.

I thought, this is probably the only safe place for me right now.

Well, you've gotten yourself into quite a predicament, Dillard.

Just... making trouble.

Yeah. Look at you.

Look at your sad little outfit.

Look at your sad outfit. What happened to us?

This is for an audition, okay?

I'm great. Things are going great right now for me.

Why should I help you with your white-baby-buying scandal, huh?

You're right.

I'm sorry, Elijah.

Break a leg.

I don't know!

Dill!

Dill.

- You can come in. - Thank you.

And I'm just kidding. You look adorable in your little gym outfit.

I'm a street baller.

Of course you are.

Please wait in the kitchen while I speak to Hannah alone in the hall.

Fuck!

My whole day is fucked right now!

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I feel like I just...

chugged a bunch of Robitussin or something.

Listen, calm down, okay? He's, like, nothing.

He doesn't have any power over you. He's not even super sexy right now.

- He's like a sweaty... - Just stop it.

Just do me a favor. Write down everything he says.

Write down everything he says, particularly if it's about me.

I have to go. I'm late.

I'm gonna have my eye on you, even when it seems like I don't.

Just like the rest of the fucking Internet.

Do you have anything to eat that doesn't have an activity center on the back?

What the fuck?

Hey, Marn. Why are you wet?

Because I went on a run.

Why don't you just take an Animal Flow class at Equinox like a normal person?

Well, funny you should ask, because I had to cancel my Equinox membership

and my CardioBoxFlo membership

and my Animal Yoga membership because I'm fucking broke.

And also, I'm fucking evicted, so everything's great.

Marnie, are you seriously calling to ask for money?

Mom, it's just a small loan, just until I can get in touch

with Desi and figure out what the fuck is happening.

I'm sorry. I-I just can't give you any more of my fun money.

I've already booked a trip to Montego Bay

- and... - What?

It's in Jamaica, and Sharva goes every year.

Are you fucking serious, Mom?

Oh, okay, fine. Just, like, enjoy yourself

and totally don't worry about your daughter, who has nowhere to live.

Well, I have a perfectly good couch

for you to sleep on if you're really that hard up.

- Mom! - And actually...

this would give us more time to rehearse as The Michaels Sisters!

Oh, my God, we are not The Michaels Sisters!

You know what? You're basically forcing me to sell my Sweet Sixteen necklace.

How do you feel about that? How does that sit with you, Mom?

Don't let divorce make you bitter.

Oh, God, those nails.

_

Hi, there.

Okay.

Elijah Krantz?

Yeah, I'm here.

We're ready for you.

Oh, no. I just got here.

Great. We'll hear your song now.

But...

I'm... I am... I'm sorry, I thought the...

I thought the monologue was... was first.

It's not.

Can I have, like, 30 seconds to go to the bathroom?

Not really.

I, uh, it's an emergency. Uh, not a bad emergency.

Just, like, a quick... just a pee. Just a super quick... I can't...

Thank you.

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

♪ White men can't jump ♪

♪ Billy Hoyle, you'll never dunk ♪

♪ Sidney's foil is a geeky white jump ♪

♪ In the zone and he's taking it to the hole ♪

♪ Oh, 'cause it's hard goddamn work ♪

♪ Being this good ♪

♪ Yes, it's hard goddamn work ♪

♪ Living in the hood ♪

♪ We in the hood now, it's all good now ♪

♪ 'Cause we f-f-f-freaky in the hood now... ♪

Clearly you're here for the auditions.

Fuck, yeah.

Oh. Good for you, honey.

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Where are you going? The auditions are upstairs.

Yeah, I-I-I-I... I gotta go.

But you're in your little basketball outfit.

Yeah, I am. Uh...

Basically my ex showed up at my place this morning

and has just destroyed this entire day for me.

Fuck that.

Men are only on this earth to buy us jeans.

I got to get out of here. I can't go in that room

and sing "Santa Fe" from "Newsies" right now.

Then don't sing "Santa Fe" from "Newsies."

Sing some shit that's real to you right now.

What's your name?

Athena Dante.

That is a great name.

Yeah.

What's yours?

Elijah Krantz.

Eh. It's a'ight.

Well, it's been working for me for 28 year... 25... 24 years.

Hi.

Hi.

So, this is the most valuable thing I own.

Um, but I'm selling it because

my freedom is more precious to me than a precious locket from the 1870s.

So... here goes.

"Wild Bill" Hickok gave that to my great-great-grandmother.

I come from a long line of women who choose terrible men,

but that's ending now.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's plated pewter.

You can see where the plating has chipped away.

Oh, no, no, um it's actually gold-plated platinum.

Apparently it used to be really common.

They'd put the more valuable metal underneath.

So this platinum is so fine,

that they literally needed solid gold just to protect it.

Yeah, I'm certain that's not true.

It has a spring lobster clasp.

This...

is less than 20 years old.

So, what are you telling me? That my mom lied to me?

Holy shit!

My mom lied to me when I was 16 and I still believe it.

She fucking lied to me!

I bet none of my ancestors were ever even in the Wild West.

Half my fucking wedding theme is a lie.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck. Okay, I have to sell these, then.

My dad gave these to me when I got into college.

My diamond!

- Fuck! - Glass.

Everyone in my family is fucking lying garbage!

Every single person! No wonder I married someone just as bad as they are,

because it's all I fucking know.

And now, I'm, like, on the precipice of homelessness

and all I've ever done to anybody is love them.

All I've ever done is love somebody,

and now I'm fucking here.

What the fuck!

Did you just roll your eyes at me, sir?

I assure you, I did not.

Well, I may not know the difference between gold and pewter,

but I'm not a fucking moron.

- You just rolled your eyes at me. - Please listen, lady.

Please?

I'm not leaving until you tell me why.

Why'd you do it?

It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of blaming.

Your mother, your father, your husband.

But nobody ever walks in here to sell things off their body

who has done nothing wrong.

You know who comes into pawn shops?

Junkies, thieves, dentists who have

lost their license because of sexual abuse, babysitters who have

- affairs with the men that... - Jesus, dude. Stop. Stop.

Stop. I get it.

Do you?

Get it?

The liar...

is you.

He wants me to go outside and play soccer with him.

Like, in the park. Oh, I hate it.

- Don't laugh, I hate it. - Hi.

I just... I mean, the worst...

Hello.

I'm Elijah Krantz.

Hi, Elijah Krantz. Ah, what will you be singing?

Ah, I will be singing "Let Me Be Your Star"

from the hit show "Bombshell"

from the hit TV show "Smash."

♪ She'll do all she can ♪

♪ For the love of one man ♪

♪ And the millions who love ♪

♪ From afar ♪

♪ I'm what you've been needing ♪

♪ It's all here and my heart's pleading ♪

♪ Let me be your ♪

♪ Star. ♪

Okay. You can stay for the monologue.

How far along are you?

Excuse me?

I have 14 Emmys. I know when someone's keeping a secret from me.

Don't worry. I don't want to buy your baby.

Good, 'cause I don't want to sell my baby, so.

I'm only, like, three months.

I haven't even told the father yet.

You're afraid he won't support you.

No. I don't know if I want him to support me.

I don't even know if I want him to be involved.

- I didn't want to make this phone call. - Whoa, whoa.

Hannah.

I like to live a life of acceptance,

to flout tradition when I can,

but there's one thing I know...

babies need fathers.

Mine left when I was three.

he just got up and followed the maharishi.

It left me totally incapable

of accepting divine male love.

I'm broken.

You're broken and you thought you would fix it

by buying a white baby?

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. I was gonna...

father that baby

because I couldn't father myself.

Okay, well, what about moms? Aren't moms important?

Uh, for six months. Listen, Hannah, you need to think about the effect

that this could have on your child. What they might miss.

They could find themselves alone, aging,

embroiled in a public scandal in Queens

in an ex-lover's squat house.

Okay, we're in Brooklyn right now and this is an apartment.

It just sounds so much sadder when you try to defend it.

He drank my fucking LaCroix.

You need to stop checking on your ex, man.

- He's gonna get to your head! - He is in my head.

He drank all the LaCroix in my head.

Good dick is a prison.

All right, listen up, kids! I got a list.

- All right, Allen... - Yes!

Micucci...

- Frances... - Yes!

Dunnigan,

Eldridge, Kang,

Jared, Zinman,

Gillan, Villepique,

McMillan.

Okay,

so if she said your name,

you can go home. Thank you so much.

And the rest of you can head into the studio for the dance portion.

He flipped it!

He fucking flipped it.

Mm, I love that move. Classic.

Yeah, "A Chorus Line." Best show ever.

I love this bitchy business so much.

Well, that's easy.

Well, gotta take this call.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Paul-Louis.

Hey, Paul-Louis. This is Hannah.

We met a few months ago.

I was writing the article about the surf camp.

I threw up in your bed...

You said I had, like, a lot of pubic hair.

Oh, Hannah!

Hey, what's up, girl?

Hey, yeah, I just wanna preface this

by saying this is a real no-pressure sitch.

Um, you know, I'm just kind of doing my moral and ethical duty

to keep you informed and let you know that I'm pregnant.

From when we had sex. So, from the sex

we had, I got pregnant and... and I'm gonna be having that child.

Whoa.

Uh, whoa.

Okay, what do you need?

Uh, need? Uh, I don't need anything.

No, I know you're at the beginning of, like, a very

exciting and illustrious water skiing career,

and I'm not interested in creating any problems for you.

Wow.

Wow, ooh, are you... are you serious?

Ah...

That's really kind of you.

That's so cool.

Uh, because I'm not really ready to... to have a kid.

And I feel like a POS telling you to get

an abortion or whatever. I mean, that's not my place.

That's... that's not... that's not fair. I'm not, um...

Um, well, thanks for telling me, I guess.

Yeah, everyone said it was, like, so important.

Now I feel like maybe it was a mistake.

Oh, no. No, no. Hey, you know what? I don't even believe in mistakes.

I really don't.

Uh...

Okay.

No, cool. Well, uh... well, good luck.

Absolutely. I'll definitely, um, keep you in the loop

if anything major, ah, goes on. Or I don't...

have to. It'll only be if that was something you wanted.

Cool. Cool.

Um, hey, you know a name I always thought was cool for a boy was Grover.

Uh, okay. So, all right, I'll go now.

Unless you want to talk more.

I mean, I don't want to be a dick about it if you wanted...

No, no. I got out everything I needed to say. Thank you.

Well, be good, Hannah.

Sounds like he didn't have much to say.

Sounds like he dismissed you...

the way I dismissed Elijah.

No, it went perfectly.

He doesn't want a kid, so he's not gonna bother me, so...

that's what I wanted.

I wanted it to be easy and it was easy, so...

I guess it's just a little sad...

- Shh. - how easy it was.

Shh.

It's okay.

I guess I just thought I could be this, like, brave,

cool, young mom with, like, tattoos

and, like, a whole, like, you know, cool approach to things,

and now I'm just feeling...

What are you crying about?

It's just... it's just...

it's just the same shit.

You know, sweetie? It's...

we're just... we're just children. We're just...

we're just naked children.

Reviewing that part one last time.

It's window, front,

one, and, look, two,

up, three, and four,

five, double pirouette,

- then jump. - Jump.

Great! Music.

And five, six, seven, eight!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Come on, yeah, babe. ♪

So good!

Nice! Really great stuff, guys.

Let's bring the basketballs in.

Oh, sorry, sorry!

♪ Golden ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Yeah! Whoo! - Why?!

- Oh! - Sorry!

Yeah, still counts. Whoo!

Hold your nose up.

♪ Yeah, babe. ♪

Hm.

- Ugh, man, you stunk up the joint. - I know.

The last time I touched a basketball was the sixth grade

where, then, I literally only touched it.

Then why the fuck you try out for a basketball musical?

Because I thought the whole point was white guys aren't good at basketball.

Hey, what you doing now? You wanna go to Starbucks?

I get 30% off all snacks that aren't seasonal.

- Do you work at Starbucks? - No.

I wish I was younger so we could hang out and it's not weird, but...

it feels weird. I'm sorry.

Plus, I have to go back to my apartment

and make sure my ex-boyfriend didn't kill himself, so.

He's still at your house?

Yes, but only because he's hiding from the "Daily Mail" or whatnot.

Bullshit.

Dudes can go anywhere.

There's nothing but places to hide in this city.

He loves you. Rawr!

- No, no, no. - Yeah.

I'll see you at another audition, huh?

Or maybe at rehearsal.

- Yeah, okay. - Hey!

I might get cast in this show.

I nailed the first two parts of that audition.

And then how hard can it be to...

to spin a fucking basketball on your finger, right?

I can learn that. I could learn a new skill.

Reese Witherspoon learned how to sing for "Walk the Line,"

and she won a goddamn Oscar.

I can do this.

Because you know why, Athena Dante?

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I'm really, really fucking talented.

I'm as talented as you say you are. That's how talented I am.

Exactly.

That's how you gotta be, man.

It's never too late.

Fuck you. I'm not that old.

Too old to be going to open calls.

You little bitch.

You don't think it's gonna be so good, the baby's talking,

- but it's just like... - Mm, Kirstie...

Honey, how'd it go?

Dill got us eight pizzas. The pepperoni's in the bathroom.

Why are you still here?

I'm here 'cause I have something to say to you.

There's nothing like a public shaming

to make you realize what's really important.

I cast you aside

when all you wanted to do was love me.

It's funny, I... I thought I came here to hide out,

but I think for the first time in my life I'm ready to stop hiding.

- Elijah... - Oh, okay. All right, um...

Dill, just save it for somebody who cares about current events. Okay?

You came here to fuck with me.

That's why you came here,

to fuck with me the same way that you fuck with everybody.

But guess what. You can... you can't fuck with me anymore, okay?

I'm "unfuckable" now.

So, yes, you might've thrown me a little bit when you showed up,

but not anymore.

'Cause I... I took my ball,

and I marched down that court, and I fucking dunked it.

Those are sports terms

and I'm using them because I am my own teammate now.

Me.

Bam.

So...

good luck with your white baby.

Dill, could you please bring a pizza in here?

Hey, Desi. It's Marnie.

Um, I just wanted to let you know

that I'm assuming responsibility for my own life.

And, um, don't worry about sending me any money for rent

because I will be moving in with my mom.

Um...

you don't owe me anything

and, um, I'm really sorry that I thought you did.

Okay, um, I genuinely hope you're doing well.

Bye.

Fuck you, Mom.

J...

This is Elijah Krantz.

Elijah, hi.

- Um, it's Tony and, uh, Patty... - Patty and Tony!

from the soon-to-be hit musical "White Men Can't Jump!"

Yeah?

So, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase.

You cannot dance for shit.

- We don't give a fuck. Yeah. - No, I don't care.

I don't care. You have an element, this essence, that we really would like...

for you to come in and read for our producers.

- Just read the scene. - Read the scene. No balls.

Mm, and the way you sang? Beautiful.

Just tell them you forgot your ball.

Absolutely no balls. We'll see you soon.

All righty, so Dr. Kruskal will see you in a few minutes.

Thank you.

Sync & Corrections by PetaG www.addic7ed.com