Original subtitles

- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

- Ray-Ray? - Hey, Shosh.

Hey.

I'm so sorry about Hermie.

Yeah.

Turns out he actually had a disease, the old dick.

What did he have, if you don't mind my asking?

Scleroderma. It's a really horrible disease.

Leave it to Hermie to find the world's most obscure terminal illness,

show zero external symptoms,

and then die binge-watching "The Equalizer."

Well, I know what he meant to you.

Yeah, it's a roughie.

Yeah, I literally hate death.

Yeah, well, it's right there, right in front of us

just patiently waiting to take us all.

No.

Not me.

No?

Yeah, no, it's super random,

but I'm just not gonna die, like, ever.

Good.

Good, 'cause I don't think I could handle that.

Did you hear about Hermie?

Yeah, it's, like, the saddest thing ever.

I feel so bad for Ray. Poor Ray.

It's the best news for Ray.

He can finally install that socialist library he's always wanted.

He inherited everything!

He can do whatever he wants. It's a new day for Ray.

It's fantastic. I couldn't be happier.

You okay, Elijah?

You're looking a little unhinged.

Ha ha! No. No.

I just ended up accidentally taking, like, six Adderall.

I stayed up all night.

I did a real deep dive

into Ryan Dillon Davidson's Facebook page,

and I found some shit.

Are you still hung up on that?

Dude, it's not healthy.

Wait for it.

He is replacing the male lead

in "Kinky Boots" on Broadway.

- Uh-huh. - And his nieces are hideous.

So many pictures of his nieces on Facebook.

All ugly.

All of them, ugly.

And then this news about "Kinky Boots."

What do I do with that?

When we were in the Obertones,

he was so terrible at harmony

that we had to arrange, like, 10 '90s alt songs for him.

It was a disaster.

I still listen to that cover of "Semi-Charmed Life"

just when I wanna, like, feel cozy.

- Oh! - It's cozy!

Hey, can you clean your room,

like, a little bit before my mom gets here?

I mean, it's pretty revolting in there.

I want it to feel like adults live in this place.

You've gotta give your mom a little more credit than that, okay?

She's way more chill than that.

We almost made out once.

Come on.

Come on.

I don't wanna hurt you.

But what if I want you to?

As long as you promise to let me be sweet after.

No, no promises.

Just do it.

Fucking slut.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Harder. - Fucking Texas whore.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I'm gonna fuck all your holes!

Okay!

Satisfied? That's how you like it, right?!

Yeah.

Fuck.

Oh, my God.

You're weirder than even me.

Maybe.

And cut.

- That was great. - Thanks.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.

- I didn't hit it too...? - No, no, it's fine.

- Okay. - Oh, my God. That was hilarious.

You are incredible.

Like, look, you really captured, like, the sort of inane prattle

of someone who thinks they have more power than they actually do, right?

- So funny. - Well, thanks.

I don't know how many more takes I have with the spanking.

I think you can do it.

Oh, no, I think we're good to move on to Laird's place.

Oh, all right. Well, I'm gonna just make a call.

Okay, yeah. Let us know if you need anything.

- Water or something. - Just one thing, just one thing.

- I have an idea. - Yeah.

I think what we really need right now

is we need a tight on you

of your annoyance at the fact that you have to indulge her.

You know? I think that's important.

No, I think we're good.

Company move!

Company move! That's company move.

Mom, I can't get over how great you look.

It's the Weight Watchers.

And I actually like the meetings.

- Are you making friends? - I am.

And I thought giving up booze would be the hardest part,

but one of my new friends has a son with a medical marijuana card.

You're smoking pot?

It's medical, Hannah.

And I wish I'd started earlier in life.

Are you stoned right now?

I couldn't travel with it,

so I brought these.

I had two worms in the cab ride over here,

enough to relax me without turning me into Cheech & Chong.

Do... do you want one?

No, thank you.

I actually have to talk to you about something.

Please, if it's about your father, don't.

We haven't been speaking, and it's the best we've gotten along in years.

It's not about Papa.

And, um, before I share this,

I just wanna say that, well, I have thought about it a lot

and it is something that I really want, I think.

I'm also totally ready for your critiques, warnings,

admonishments, admonitions.

And I don't want you to feel that you can't speak freely,

but at the same time, I do want you to know that you're speaking to someone

who's made a very personal decision

being that I'm pregnant.

Pregnant.

Seriously?

Do you think it's so insane if I keep it?

Wow.

I don't... this is not what I was expecting.

I know.

And I just wanna say the father is not in the picture.

He's not even somebody that I know.

He's, like, a random water ski instructor.

I'm literally never gonna see him again.

And it's just... I've been thinking so much.

I've been doing all the big thinking

about the ways that my life is gonna change and the little thinking,

like about how I'm gonna have to start drinking water.

And any way that I think about it,

I just get this feeling...

That this is your baby.

This is my baby.

Wow.

It's so weird to see him as a little kid.

You know? I feel like he's been middle-aged forever.

Yeah, we were all little kids once. It's wild.

Look at this.

Captain of the high school tennis team.

He won a game off John McEnroe once.

- Did he really, though? - Allegedly.

Is there somewhere you need to be?

Nope. Here with you.

Okay, good. I gotta show you this VHS collection, then.

It's amazing. He's got every Sam Peckinpah movie ever,

the Dominique Dawes tribute video from the '96 Olympics,

this amazing Steven Wright live concert performance,

and a ton of Skinemax...

"Emmanuelle," "Red Shoe Diaries," "Young Ladies of Chatterly."

- Oh, you know what I just realized? - What?

I have Physique 57 in an hour

in Manhattan.

Oh, I thought you did that 57 thing yesterday.

No, that was Quiet Pilates,

but they're really, really different,

so I like to keep a good balance of them.

But, um, you know what? I'll skip it.

I'll be a little misaligned this week,

but I think it'll be okay.

And if you need me here, here I am.

Right, I don't need you here, I want you here.

But if you need to go, that's fine, you know.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't put words in my mouth.

I want to be here for... with... for you and with you,

just maybe not in this exact house.

Right.

Yeah, Marn, if you... you know,

if you really feel you need exercise,

you know, maybe, I think you should go.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

All right, yeah. That makes sense.

And then we'll just...

um, we'll just, like, meet up later.

- How's that? - Yeah. Yeah, good.

Or alternatively,

you could go, we could not meet up later,

and instead, we could just break up.

- Wait, what? - I think we should break up, Marn.

Ray, I think this might be the grief talking

and potentially also the asbestos.

You can't stand here for 20 fucking minutes

and look at some beautiful fucking photos

of my very beautiful dead fucking friend?

20 minutes?

Okay, just to be fair,

it's been more like 40 minutes.

We never even talk anymore.

We never hang out. We never do anything.

We see each other all the time, Ray.

Yeah, after you've exercised

or when your online therapist's husband is awake

so she can give you a session.

I mean, don't you... isn't...

I want more, you know?

I need more, 'cause we're not gonna be here for very long.

You know? Very soon we're gonna be on the other side of the dirt.

You know, we're all going to the same place, each and every one of us.

- And that place... - Dead.

We're all gonna be dead. Yes, I know that.

Are you really this cliché, Ray?

Someone you sort of like dies

and suddenly you are rejiggering your entire outlook on life?

Why should I be smarter than this?

I'm not a bad person, by the way.

I don't want you to look at me.

Well, I'm looking at you.

You shouldn't have to deal with this.

I'm so fucking crazy.

Did you take your medicine?

- Did you take your medicine? - I thought I didn't have to.

- I thought I was better. - Oh, come on, Mira.

You know you can't do that.

It doesn't just fuck you over, it fucks me over, too.

Now my head feels so noisy.

- Well, of course it does. - I just want it to stop!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't... don't do that.

Okay?

I'm gonna ruin your life.

- No. - I am.

You won't even know it.

One day, you'll just...

you'll realize that you're stuck with a crazy person.

And not just, like, fun crazy.

Just crazy, crazy.

Hey.

Well, I don't care if you ruin my life.

At least you'll have been in my life.

And cut.

That was great, Genevieve.

That was great. Do you need a tissue?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay. All right, everything's in focus?

- Yeah, it was good. - Okay.

- All right, I'll be right back. - Okay.

What do you think?

Um...

Isn't she kind of being a little heavy, like...

- I mean... - Heavy?

isn't she kind of a shit actress?

Are you serious? She's so dropped in, it's crazy.

Hey, is it cool if I take five to call my sister?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Of course, of course. Take... take 25.

Well, then I guess I just don't understand the point of the scene.

It's about when Mira goes off her meds.

Yeah, no. I know that. Thank you.

I mean, I don't understand why there's this whole romantic bit

where you swoop in and save her

and act like you guys are meant to be together

when this is a movie about a shit relationship.

The scene is about the fact that these two people,

while they have a very strong animalistic connection,

they're ultimately only gonna hurt each other.

It's about the tragedy of realizing

the relationship is too intense to survive.

Adam, that's us.

We're the intense ones.

All you and Hannah ever did was sit around,

watching those shows about when fat people do up their houses or whatever,

or you ate Frito-Lays in bed.

And then you met me, remember?

And then you met me, and then we had a real connection, you had real feeling.

And that's what this movie's about!

Did you even read the script?

No! No, I didn't read the script! I'm the producer.

I don't need to read scripts. I'm here to produce!

And your handwriting's shit, by the way.

I couldn't read a word of it.

Wow!

Cool.

Oh, that's sweet. Pretty cool.

This is very dope to come back to this artistic vibe still going on.

Wow! You guys are getting to festivals, right?

You guys are gonna do, like, "Slamdance"?

Oh, wait, hold on. I don't want to alarm anyone,

but pretty sure I just met my new soulmate.

She's right out there.

Her name is "Zhan-vee-ev."

She's out there on the phone,

and, man, she is something else.

Mm.

Mom, aren't you only supposed to have, like, one of those?

Must be a weak batch 'cause I don't feel nothing.

Hey, Hannah, just think... a year from now,

you'll be washing little bitty baby clothes.

That's so weird.

I've not even started to think about that.

I'll help you find a good doctor here

and we'll go together and hear the heartbeat.

You know, I loved being pregnant.

- You did? - Mm-hmm.

All I ever hear is how, like,

bloated and disgusting you feel.

Like, I know Kim Kardashian and Jessica Alba,

they were so unhappy.

Not me.

I felt productive every single day

because my body was doing this big, special job

all on its own.

I'm just glad

that you've really, really thought this through.

I have.

I mean, I think I have, so.

Good, because make these choices when you're young

and you have no idea how they'll play out.

You know, I married your dad

and thought that would be that.

30 years later, here I am alone

on the edge of a cliff.

And this poor baby won't even have a grandmother.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Think about it, Hannah.

Your grandparents took you and your cousins to Colonial Williamsburg.

Do you think I'm gonna travel alone with this child?

My kid doesn't need to go to Colonial Williamsburg. I hated it.

I still have nightmares about that guy with the stick and the hoop.

Well, I'm sure Tad and his partner

will be thrilled to take your baby to Colonial Williamsburg.

Or we could all go somewhere together.

No.

Not gonna happen.

I would sooner shoot myself in the head.

Maybe you'll meet someone.

Do you have any idea of what my life is like on a day-to-day basis?

Yeah, you teach and you have all your cool new Weight Watchers friends...

I can't even go to the movies anymore because I hate coming home.

I sit in the driveway in the car

because I don't wanna go inside the house.

'Cause you're scared someone's waiting to attack you?

'Cause, like, sometimes if I come home and Elijah's not there,

I'll go through the whole house with a nail file

and just, like, open every closet door.

No, no, no. You got it backwards, kiddo.

I know nobody's in there. Who would wanna bother me?

No. I'm alone.

This is it for the rest of my life.

But you're not alone, Mom.

You've got me and you're gonna have the baby, you know?

And you really might meet someone.

I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but...

Stop fucking saying that.

- Mom, I really wasn't... - See you back at the apartment.

I have five towels in this dryer.

- You can't wait one minute? - I don't have a minute.

Have you seen my mom?

You lost Loreen?

Elijah, she's high on pot gummies, okay?

She left all my laundry on the stoop. Look, this is her dress.

She could be being sex-trafficked for all I know!

What is this, the "Muppets Take Manhattan"?

Eh, she's fine.

Elijah, please! I'm freaking out!

Go get my shoes.

She's not picking up. What if she's passed out somewhere?

She's probably just, like, at a theater, fisting a box full of Raisinets.

Hannah?

- Mom, thank God! Where have you been?! - I needed a walk.

I can't understand what you're saying. You're not making sense.

Give me the phone, give me the phone.

Hey, Loreen! It's Elijah.

- Who? - Elijah.

- Hey! - Where you at, girl?

- I don't know. - Come on.

- Four egg rolls, please. - No, honey.

Extra crispy.

She's saying something about crispy egg rolls.

I mean, how could they be crispier?

Mom?

Fuck, she hung up.

Hannah, you've gotta keep her on the line.

I'm trying, brother.

It's... you've gotta act like you're in that Halle Berry 911 movie.

Keep her on the phone.

- Loreen! - I can't run this fast!

- My shoe has a slight heel! - She's your mother.

Loreen!

- Mom! - Where are you going?

Well, the last place we saw her was a Laundromat.

So, you think she'd go back to a different Laundromat, Nancy Drew?

- I don't know! - What the fuck sense does that make?

- Loreen! - Loreen!

- Loreen! - Loreen!

- Loreen! - Loreen!

Loreen!

Loreen! Loreen!

That's not helpful.

- Hello! - Hi!

Hi, I'm looking for my mother.

I don't know if you've seen her.

- She's yay tall. - Yeah!

- Kind of spiky hair. - Rocker chick.

Rocker. Like a Midwestern rocker.

We're really worried about her.

She's pretty stoned and we don't know what's going on.

Loreen!

Loreen!

I'm just hoping that you could give us some k...

Loreen!

Would it be possible to purchase one dumpling?

Thank you very much, Nick.

And if you see my mother,

will you tell her that I'm looking for her?

- For sure. - Much appreciated.

- Bye. - Bye, guys.

Loreen?

Mom!

Loreen! Hannah, Loreen!

What?

Loreen!

No. Sorry, sorry.

Not Loreen. Not your mother.

Not your mother, not your mother.

- That was an ashtray person. - Oh, God!

We have to go.

Hannah, come on.

Move your little feet.

- Here! - This is it. This is it.

Oh.

Thank God.

Mom!

- Hi. - Hey!

My waitress is allergic to soy.

She works in a Chinese restaurant

and she's allergic to soy.

She's adorable.

You're an idiot.

Pot stickers!

Mom, you cannot run away like that, okay?

This is Brooklyn. It's one of the most dangerous places in America.

You don't know the terrain. You're not Lil' Kim.

She's fine.

Let's celebrate.

A toast to Hannah's baby.

- Mom! - Oh!

Yeah, a baby.

For real?

I mean, I was not gonna tell you like this,

but, yeah.

It's a fucking miracle of life.

Yeah.

Elijah, come on. I was going to tell you.

Obviously, you're the second person I was gonna tell.

Do not move, okay?

You have really fucked up my day.

Wow.

What?

I'm sorry you're so angry.

I was going to try and explain it to you

if you just let me start at the beginning.

No.

No as in you don't wanna hear how I got pregnant?

Not really.

Okay, why?

Because to be perfectly truthful,

I think it's a really bad idea.

Okay, well, I understand how it would seem that way...

No, no, no, no. No.

It doesn't seem that way.

It is that way.

This is yet another reckless, impulsive,

typical Hannah decision

like cutting your own hair

or cyberbullying that girl you met at Barnes & Noble.

We did that together.

That was something we chose to do together for fun.

- So, I guess you're gonna move out now? - Well, I wasn't planning on it.

Pfft, well, I wasn't planning on sharing an apartment with some...

do you mind?

With some boring, 27-year-old single mom.

Well, I don't have to be boring.

I could be a cool single mom, you know,

like Lorelai Gilmore.

Elijah, I don't know what to say.

I always told you I wanted to be a mother someday.

Yeah, one day. You said one day you wanted to be a mother.

We got a really special,

specific thing going on, you and me, yeah?

- Yes. - Yeah!

And you just decided to go and ruin it with some baby.

I'm not gonna act like that's not what's going on, okay?

It's fine if that's what you wanna do,

but...

Elijah, I understand that this might seem crazy,

but you know what? I need you.

I really do. It's not like there's a dad in the picture.

- I thought we could do this together. - Oh, really?

You need help, and you just thought I would help you

raise your... your fatherless baby?

You don't think I have plans?

What's your plan, to, like, smoke salvia at 10:00 AM every day?

- Fuck you. - You know what?

You've said so many mean things to me

and I can't make one stupid salvia joke?

Elijah, come on!

I don't know, I kind of thought you'd be happy.

You're not ready for this.

No, you're not ready for this.

I'm gonna say this to your face

'cause no one else will have the guts to.

Great.

You're gonna be a terrible mother.

Oh, great, you're gonna cry now?

Ow!

Sorry.

Mic check. One, two, one, two, one, two.

This is Hermie coming at you from the living room of one Sonja Ballentini.

So, Sonja, how's life?

You know what? It doesn't pay to complain.

Now, how's that, Sonja?

I learned in life

that you have to take the hard knocks the way they are...

- Sure. - ...and learn to live with it.

And learn how to be happy with it and without it.

Don't let the garbage get to you.

And I get up in the morning

and I say, "What am I gonna do

that's gonna make me happy today?"

I do that every morning,

and I found out that it's the best way to live

because you get up and you say,

"Well, I'm gonna do this for myself first."

Okay, Mom, you have all the symptoms of cannabis poisoning.

The good news is that, "Marijuana by itself

has never caused an overdose death in the United States to date."

So, you're not gonna be the first. Can you stand up?

I'm done. My life is done.

That's not true. You're not done.

I need you. We need you.

You're gonna be a grandma. Remember, Grandma Loreen?

Oh, no, that's right. I'll be a grandma.

And when you think of grandparents, you think of death.

Nuh-uh, I don't!

You're sweet.

You're so sweet. Come here.

- I just want you to know... - Mm-hmm?

every time I look at your baby,

I will see my own death.

Mom?

Mom.

Do you mind if I sit down?

No, not at... not at all.

Thanks. I'm just avoiding someone up there, so.

Did you just move in, or...?

No, I'm acting in a film that they're shooting here.

Oh.

Would that happen to be Adam Sackler's film?

Yeah. You know him?

Like, barely.

What's the role?

Um, her name is Mira.

She's a writer.

It's actually a really fun part.

She's, like, the love interest

and she's mentally ill, so it's fun.

Great, yeah.

Oh, do you want a cigarette?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm actually pregnant, so.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, that's so fun! - Oh, don't worry about it.

I think a certain amount of, like, secondhand smoke is to be expected

just in city life.

Is it... is it your first?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you have kids, or...?

Yeah, I have three.

- Oh! - Being pregnant is the best.

Are you loving it?

No. No.

Right now, I'm just more worried about, like, getting the baby out of me

and then, like, what I'm gonna do with it.

Today was such a fucking nightmare.

I don't wanna be responsible for anyone else for the rest of my life.

- That's insane! - Jesus, don't worry about it.

Kids are super easy.

It's being an adult that's hard.

- I'm sorry. - No, don't be.