Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,127 --> 00:00:04,815
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:08,098
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,668
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,703 --> 00:00:14,671
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,706 --> 00:00:18,174
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:21,511
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,546 --> 00:00:23,113
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,514
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,549 --> 00:00:30,019
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:30,207 --> 00:00:33,207
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
11
00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:38,043
You guys know what this meeting's about?
12
00:00:38,044 --> 00:00:40,530
- No idea.
- How about you, Morning Breath Mike?
13
00:00:40,565 --> 00:00:43,066
I have no idea.
14
00:00:43,101 --> 00:00:44,267
Listen up, everyone.
15
00:00:44,302 --> 00:00:45,902
Sales are down across the board,
16
00:00:45,937 --> 00:00:47,537
but mostly we're failing to connect
17
00:00:47,572 --> 00:00:49,906
with a group called "millennials."
18
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:52,175
I saw this guy cry one time.
19
00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:54,177
To learn more
about our target demographic,
20
00:00:54,212 --> 00:00:56,813
we're all gonna watch
this instructional video.
21
00:00:58,022 --> 00:00:59,164
News on the March
22
00:00:59,165 --> 00:01:01,988
Millennials. Who are they?
What do the want?
23
00:01:01,989 --> 00:01:03,386
A millennial can be defined
24
00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:07,190
as anyone born between 1982 and 2000.
25
00:01:07,225 --> 00:01:10,560
Or anyone who thinks loving
sriracha or Austin, Texas,
26
00:01:10,595 --> 00:01:12,695
counts as a personality.
27
00:01:12,731 --> 00:01:14,497
Millennials crave things like:
28
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,765
instant gratification,
29
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,433
authentic experiences,
30
00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:19,702
and, for some reason
we haven't figured out yet,
31
00:01:19,738 --> 00:01:21,538
improv comedy.
32
00:01:21,573 --> 00:01:23,740
Here's one millennial who has a parakeet
33
00:01:23,775 --> 00:01:26,743
with nine million followers on Snapchat.
34
00:01:26,778 --> 00:01:28,745
Here's another
who singlehandedly started
35
00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:31,781
the hashtags that cancelled
12 network TV shows
36
00:01:31,816 --> 00:01:33,616
she found offensive.
37
00:01:33,652 --> 00:01:36,119
And now I'm told
she identifies as a man,
38
00:01:36,154 --> 00:01:38,121
so I'm being fired.
39
00:01:38,156 --> 00:01:40,557
Hello. I'm your new announcer.
40
00:01:40,592 --> 00:01:42,292
And actually, he was just about done.
41
00:01:42,327 --> 00:01:45,128
Thank you and good day.
42
00:01:45,163 --> 00:01:48,164
So please welcome someone who's
gonna help us reach millennials,
43
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,600
our new head of social media, Hammer.
44
00:01:52,704 --> 00:01:54,671
Oh. He just group-texted us "hello."
45
00:01:54,706 --> 00:01:56,506
And now here comes a text
46
00:01:56,541 --> 00:01:58,908
from the guy who doesn't know
this is a group text.
47
00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:01,344
"Nice to meet you, Hammer.
Let's have lunch later,
48
00:02:01,379 --> 00:02:03,146
and I'll tell you who's gay."
49
00:02:03,181 --> 00:02:04,814
Right on. 'Sup? I'm Hammer.
50
00:02:04,849 --> 00:02:07,450
Uh, first I'd like
to not thank you for hiring me,
51
00:02:07,485 --> 00:02:09,852
because I just expect
good things to happen to me
52
00:02:09,888 --> 00:02:11,354
without working for them.
53
00:02:11,389 --> 00:02:14,624
Second, I'd like to give you all
a list of my trigger warnings.
54
00:02:14,659 --> 00:02:16,125
What's a trigger warning?
55
00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:18,394
Actually, brah, asking me
what a trigger warning is
56
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,896
is one of my triggers, brah.
57
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,197
I feel traumatized, brah.
58
00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:23,032
And now I'm tweeting about you, brah.
59
00:02:23,068 --> 00:02:24,367
And now you're trending, brah.
60
00:02:24,402 --> 00:02:26,169
And now your life is ruined, brah.
61
00:02:26,204 --> 00:02:27,837
And now you're fired, brah.
62
00:02:28,873 --> 00:02:30,807
What... what happened to Brah?
63
00:02:30,842 --> 00:02:33,676
Also, the lack of diversity here
is horrifying, brah.
64
00:02:33,712 --> 00:02:35,445
Uh, Brah is gone.
65
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,714
Now, if we want to get
some social media attention,
66
00:02:37,749 --> 00:02:39,682
we got to start with a group selfie.
67
00:02:39,718 --> 00:02:42,986
Um, excuse me. Didn't Ellen
do this, like, three years ago?
68
00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:45,788
Hey, does Taye Diggs
follow you on Twitter?
69
00:02:45,824 --> 00:02:48,091
No, but Kraft Singles does.
70
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,526
That's what I thought.
71
00:02:51,596 --> 00:02:52,929
And... posted.
72
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,798
Do you know what I just did?
I just made you all viral.
73
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:58,801
Also, my band is playing tonight
at an inconvenient time.
74
00:02:58,837 --> 00:03:01,704
It's six un-showered guys
and a pale woman with a ukulele
75
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:03,539
shouting "Hey!" in unison.
76
00:03:03,575 --> 00:03:06,009
Because that's what music is now.
77
00:03:08,113 --> 00:03:09,178
♪ Hey! ♪
78
00:03:11,216 --> 00:03:12,382
♪ Hey! ♪
79
00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:14,751
What is this?
They just keep saying "hey."
80
00:03:14,786 --> 00:03:17,654
I know. It's my favorite song.
81
00:03:20,358 --> 00:03:23,326
Oh, 'cause "hay" is for horses.
82
00:03:27,365 --> 00:03:29,465
Hey, guys.
You want to have a smoke break?
83
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,501
What? We can't smoke inside.
84
00:03:31,536 --> 00:03:33,536
It's not smoking, Peter. It's vaping.
85
00:03:33,571 --> 00:03:35,805
Everyone's doing it... Even Darth Vaper.
86
00:03:37,909 --> 00:03:40,743
I find your lack of vape disturbing.
87
00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:42,779
Come on, Peter, give it a shot.
88
00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:55,458
What happened? All of a sudden
89
00:03:55,493 --> 00:03:57,860
I feel like I know better
than everyone else!
90
00:03:57,896 --> 00:04:00,129
That's because anytime
someone walks through a cloud
91
00:04:00,165 --> 00:04:02,498
of vape smoke, a millennial is born.
92
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:03,933
I think I feel it!
93
00:04:03,968 --> 00:04:06,002
Broad City is so funny.
94
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,204
No, Broad City is genius.
95
00:04:08,239 --> 00:04:11,140
No, no. Broad City is everything!
96
00:04:11,176 --> 00:04:13,376
There it is. Grossly exaggerating
97
00:04:13,411 --> 00:04:16,079
the quality of a just-okay TV show.
98
00:04:16,114 --> 00:04:19,015
Peter, you're officially a millennial.
99
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,517
Hey, you want a ride
in the Millennial Falcon?
100
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:24,253
Ah, look at that...
We found another one!
101
00:04:27,926 --> 00:04:30,126
Peter, a rite of passage
for any millennial
102
00:04:30,161 --> 00:04:32,028
is attending Coachella.
103
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,496
It's a great place to see bands
104
00:04:33,531 --> 00:04:35,331
that are either really new
or really old.
105
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:37,600
- Which one should we see?
- Well, on the main stage,
106
00:04:37,635 --> 00:04:40,770
it's Tame Impala that formed
in an UberPOOL on the way here.
107
00:04:40,805 --> 00:04:43,039
And on the side stage,
it's "Neil Young asleep"
108
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,640
in front of the television."
109
00:04:47,779 --> 00:04:51,114
I always get him confused with
Bloom County's Bill the Cat.
110
00:04:56,654 --> 00:04:58,554
Peter, you're doing great
as a millennial.
111
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,290
Next thing is you got to learn
how to be on Fleek.
112
00:05:01,326 --> 00:05:04,927
"On fleek"? People still say "on fleek"?
113
00:05:04,963 --> 00:05:06,529
No, Peter, that's not what I meant.
114
00:05:06,564 --> 00:05:08,131
I want you on Fleek.
115
00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:09,465
This is Fleek.
116
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:11,000
Oh, can I ride him?!
117
00:05:11,035 --> 00:05:13,035
Sure, Peter. Get on Fleek.
118
00:05:13,071 --> 00:05:15,605
♪ ♪
119
00:05:16,641 --> 00:05:18,141
Yay!
120
00:05:19,344 --> 00:05:20,977
♪ ♪
121
00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:27,016
Our country's involved
in six different wars,
122
00:05:27,051 --> 00:05:29,852
but millennials think about this stuff.
123
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,425
Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere
124
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,660
when you can ride
something weird instead.
125
00:05:37,695 --> 00:05:39,796
What's that?
Sorry, I was taking a selfie
126
00:05:39,831 --> 00:05:42,398
while shooting a Snapchat
while Periscoping that Snapchat
127
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:45,001
while Instagramming latte art
while Shazaming The Weekend
128
00:05:45,036 --> 00:05:48,271
while streaming Master of None
while retweeting George Takei
129
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,106
while saying, "This wins the Internet!"
130
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:53,576
while still being ♪soooo bored.
131
00:05:53,611 --> 00:05:55,311
Hammer?
132
00:05:55,346 --> 00:05:58,414
Hammer? Come on, man, don't
make me look up from my phone.
133
00:05:58,450 --> 00:06:00,450
Oh, you're texting me.
134
00:06:14,799 --> 00:06:16,866
Oh, no! Hammer!
135
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,469
You! Call 911!
136
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,337
You! Give me your shirt
to make a tourniquet!
137
00:06:21,372 --> 00:06:23,706
You! Snap a pic.
Clarendon filter. Clarendon!
138
00:06:23,741 --> 00:06:25,475
Hammer, stay with me, buddy.
139
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,477
Peter, if I die,
140
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:32,148
chop my body up
and serve me as street tacos.
141
00:06:34,619 --> 00:06:36,185
So selfless.
142
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:39,856
No! I won't let you be made into tacos!
143
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:42,358
Peter... it's-it's too late.
144
00:06:42,393 --> 00:06:45,828
Listen, I've got this idea
for a business, and...
145
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,830
I want you to have it.
146
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,665
It's artisanal.
147
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,868
A-Artisanal...
148
00:06:53,338 --> 00:06:55,238
Artisanal what? Is it pretzels?
149
00:06:55,273 --> 00:06:56,906
Is it artisanal pretzels?!
150
00:06:56,941 --> 00:06:58,307
Has that been done?
151
00:06:58,343 --> 00:07:01,477
Does anyone know if
artisanal pretzels is a thing?
152
00:07:01,513 --> 00:07:05,047
It seems so obvious, yet I
don't think I've ever seen them.
153
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,949
I better do millennial CPR.
154
00:07:06,985 --> 00:07:08,284
One... ugh, whatever...
155
00:07:08,319 --> 00:07:09,785
Two... ugh, whatever...
156
00:07:09,821 --> 00:07:12,522
Three... ugh, I'm gonna let
my parents take care of this.
157
00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:23,238
I've never been to a millennial funeral.
158
00:07:23,274 --> 00:07:26,675
Yeah, it seems in poor taste
that they hired Keyboard Cat.
159
00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:34,049
Assembled congregants,
160
00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:36,151
no worries to you.
161
00:07:36,187 --> 00:07:37,953
And also to you.
162
00:07:37,988 --> 00:07:40,155
Let us tweet.
163
00:07:41,458 --> 00:07:43,258
Peter, why is he naked in there?
164
00:07:43,294 --> 00:07:45,260
It's an environmental statement.
165
00:07:45,296 --> 00:07:48,130
Lois, please stop looking
at my dead friend's dong.
166
00:07:48,165 --> 00:07:50,299
Listen, I made breakfast and drove,
167
00:07:50,334 --> 00:07:53,335
so if there's a dead dong,
I'm gonna look at it!
168
00:07:54,939 --> 00:07:58,273
We've all lost
a great friend-slash-barista-
169
00:07:58,309 --> 00:08:00,142
slash-deejay-
170
00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:02,511
slash-Genius Bar employee-
171
00:08:02,546 --> 00:08:04,846
slash-person with a yellow highlighter
172
00:08:04,882 --> 00:08:06,715
at the Best Buy exit.
173
00:08:06,750 --> 00:08:10,152
And now a reading
from the book of JustJared.
174
00:08:10,187 --> 00:08:13,522
"Death be the ultimate fail."
175
00:08:13,557 --> 00:08:15,424
Peter, I hate to do this here,
176
00:08:15,459 --> 00:08:17,259
but you were good friends with Hammer,
177
00:08:17,294 --> 00:08:19,394
and business at the brewery must go on.
178
00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:20,996
That's why, as of today,
179
00:08:21,031 --> 00:08:23,098
I'm making you head of social media.
180
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:25,300
Hey, whatever you want.
I'm a team player.
181
00:08:25,336 --> 00:08:27,603
I was even one of the 300.
182
00:08:28,839 --> 00:08:30,839
Hey, does 299 work?
183
00:08:30,874 --> 00:08:33,675
'Cause I got to go diarrhea
off the cliff.
184
00:08:37,481 --> 00:08:41,016
We now return to Marvel's The Offenders.
185
00:08:41,051 --> 00:08:43,285
Good morning, you see.
186
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,587
I gathered you all together...
Kevin Spacey,
187
00:08:45,623 --> 00:08:47,022
Roman Polanski...
188
00:08:47,057 --> 00:08:48,523
Hey, hey, hey...
189
00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:50,659
Woody Allen, Steven Seagal,
190
00:08:50,694 --> 00:08:53,395
Matt Lauer with the Pudding Pop,
191
00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:54,630
Brett Ratner,
192
00:08:54,665 --> 00:08:58,600
and you, lesser-known offender
James Toback.
193
00:08:58,636 --> 00:09:00,235
Don't forget me!
194
00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:03,038
Harvey shower!
195
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:05,407
I-I... I-Is Matt Damon coming?
196
00:09:05,442 --> 00:09:07,676
No, but he knows about all of us.
197
00:09:07,711 --> 00:09:11,947
He's very aware of what's
going on here, you see.
198
00:09:11,982 --> 00:09:14,483
All right, guys, I got to come
up with some social media ideas
199
00:09:14,518 --> 00:09:15,851
for the brewery. What do ya got?
200
00:09:15,886 --> 00:09:17,919
Oh, you want viral?
You asked the right guy.
201
00:09:17,955 --> 00:09:19,955
You remember Leeroy Jenkins?
202
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,623
- Yeah.
- Right.
203
00:09:21,659 --> 00:09:24,126
- What do you mean, "right"?
- You know, Leeroy Jenkins.
204
00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:25,794
- What about him?
- Do that.
205
00:09:25,829 --> 00:09:27,896
Joe, you can't... That already happened.
206
00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:29,965
Do it again. This time with beer.
207
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,633
Hang on a sec.
208
00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:42,311
- Thank you.
- How about some fruit in the beer?
209
00:09:42,346 --> 00:09:44,680
No, guys, we need
social media-specific plans
210
00:09:44,715 --> 00:09:46,148
to reach a younger audience.
211
00:09:46,183 --> 00:09:48,317
You remember "Charlie Bit My Finger"?
212
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,585
Do that.
213
00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:52,587
You know what? I give up.
We've given this...
214
00:09:52,623 --> 00:09:53,855
what, almost a minute?
215
00:09:53,891 --> 00:09:55,557
Peter, that's the problem
with kids today...
216
00:09:55,592 --> 00:09:57,059
They have no attention span.
217
00:09:57,094 --> 00:09:58,627
Wait. That's it!
218
00:09:58,662 --> 00:10:01,196
We'll do a show for people
with no attention span.
219
00:10:01,231 --> 00:10:04,166
We'll call it The Six Second Talk Show.
220
00:10:04,201 --> 00:10:06,501
Well, I guess that could work.
But it's just so sad
221
00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:07,836
that young people can't pay attention
222
00:10:07,871 --> 00:10:09,271
to something longer than six sec...
223
00:10:11,041 --> 00:10:13,642
Oh, oh, my God.
224
00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:14,910
JOE and PETER and CLEVELAND: Whoa!
225
00:10:14,945 --> 00:10:16,611
What the hell, you guys? I was talking.
226
00:10:16,647 --> 00:10:19,081
You know, there's more to life
than just what's on your phone.
227
00:10:19,116 --> 00:10:20,315
Wrong, idiot.
228
00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:26,288
Anyone know how
to turn these things off?
229
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,094
All right, Six Second Talk Show
230
00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:34,229
in three, two...
231
00:10:34,264 --> 00:10:36,531
I'm Peter Griffin, and this is
the Six Second Talk Show.
232
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:38,066
My guest tonight is Joe Biden.
233
00:10:38,102 --> 00:10:40,569
And that's all the time we have.
Thanks for watching. Good night.
234
00:10:40,604 --> 00:10:42,437
- How was that?
- Eh, it kind of dragged.
235
00:10:43,374 --> 00:10:45,006
Well, Congress is at it again.
236
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,108
Good night.
237
00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:50,212
It's The Six Second Talk Show,
238
00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:54,316
and now, your host, here...
239
00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:58,587
Welcome to The Six Second Talk Show.
240
00:10:58,622 --> 00:11:01,823
I'm Peter Griffin, and now our
musical guest, Barenaked Ladies.
241
00:11:01,859 --> 00:11:03,558
- ♪ It's been... ♪
- I'd like to thank our musical guest,
242
00:11:03,594 --> 00:11:04,826
Barenaked Ladies. Good night.
243
00:11:08,132 --> 00:11:09,598
Peter, I can't believe your talk show
244
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,800
is such a huge hit for the brewery.
245
00:11:11,835 --> 00:11:15,170
And thanks to that, I'm now
a huge social media star.
246
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:19,674
Oh, my God, what the hell is that?
247
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:20,976
Hello, Griffin family.
248
00:11:21,011 --> 00:11:23,445
I'm coming to you live,
via living room hologram.
249
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,047
I'm Parker Stanton, CEO of Boop,
250
00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:28,717
the most powerful company
in Silicon Valley.
251
00:11:28,752 --> 00:11:30,218
- Do you know Mr. Skin?
- Do you know Mr. Skin?
252
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:31,586
- Ah!
- Ah!
253
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:32,954
- We'll talk later.
- We'll talk later.
254
00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:34,689
Look, Peter, the reason I'm here
255
00:11:34,725 --> 00:11:36,625
is because of your Six Second Talk Show.
256
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,226
Now, I haven't had the time to watch it,
257
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,362
but I hear it's the buzz
of Silicon Valley.
258
00:11:40,397 --> 00:11:42,998
I want you and your family
to visit us here as my guests,
259
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:45,267
so I can find out
what the next big thing is.
260
00:11:45,302 --> 00:11:46,802
Oh, I-I got lots of ideas.
261
00:11:46,837 --> 00:11:50,071
I've been working on something
called "Look At It, Kick It."
262
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:53,975
Look at it...
263
00:11:54,011 --> 00:11:55,744
Excuse me, can I help you?
264
00:11:55,779 --> 00:11:57,345
Kick it!
265
00:11:57,381 --> 00:11:58,847
Pure genius.
266
00:11:58,882 --> 00:12:01,416
See you in Silicon Valley.
267
00:12:01,452 --> 00:12:02,818
Oh, this is exciting.
268
00:12:02,853 --> 00:12:04,119
A family trip.
269
00:12:04,154 --> 00:12:05,587
Yeah, I love traveling.
270
00:12:05,622 --> 00:12:07,856
Oh, except that trip to Europe
where we spent most of our time
271
00:12:07,891 --> 00:12:10,158
trying to refold our map.
272
00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:12,160
All right, the museum is that way,
273
00:12:12,196 --> 00:12:14,196
so let's fold the map and go.
274
00:12:18,268 --> 00:12:20,635
Okay, couple more folds...
275
00:12:20,671 --> 00:12:22,437
Nope, okay, wrong end.
276
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,839
Now, let's see...
277
00:12:23,874 --> 00:12:25,340
Nope, nope, that's wrong...
278
00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:26,541
Find the corners.
279
00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:27,776
It's not a puzzle, Chris.
280
00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:29,478
Y-You got to fold on the creases.
281
00:12:29,513 --> 00:12:30,812
I'd be able to find the creases
282
00:12:30,848 --> 00:12:33,014
if somebody had folded it
correctly last time.
283
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,516
I did fold it correctly.
284
00:12:34,551 --> 00:12:36,585
Nope, you didn't, and then,
you jammed it into a backpack
285
00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:37,919
and now I'm in this mess.
286
00:12:37,955 --> 00:12:39,554
Don't blame me, you ripped it up
287
00:12:39,590 --> 00:12:41,723
when you were tearing through
the backpack for your snacks.
288
00:12:41,758 --> 00:12:44,092
Okay, this is why I wanted
to bring a globe, all right?
289
00:12:44,127 --> 00:12:45,427
You don't have to fold a globe.
290
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:48,330
Who the hell would bring
a globe on vacation?
291
00:12:48,365 --> 00:12:50,031
See, Bon? We're eating food,
292
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:52,200
and they're tearing each other apart.
293
00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:55,203
Where to next, mon chéri?
294
00:13:00,377 --> 00:13:01,943
Welcome to Boop.
295
00:13:01,979 --> 00:13:04,713
As our name suggests,
our mainframe connects to
296
00:13:04,748 --> 00:13:07,716
and powers virtually
every server on the globe.
297
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:10,819
Without Boop, there is no Internet.
298
00:13:10,854 --> 00:13:12,287
Hey, Parker. Are we still on
299
00:13:12,322 --> 00:13:14,689
for the Samsung Galaxy Note
meeting after lunch?
300
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:16,157
Yep. Are-are the test results in?
301
00:13:16,193 --> 00:13:17,459
Yeah, but...
302
00:13:17,494 --> 00:13:19,794
Let's save it for the meeting.
303
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:20,929
Where's your nearest bathroom?
304
00:13:20,964 --> 00:13:21,997
Gender-fluid?
305
00:13:22,032 --> 00:13:24,099
Yes, there will be a lot of that.
306
00:13:25,936 --> 00:13:29,504
Hmm, must be one of them
high-tech Japanese toilets.
307
00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:34,776
♪ I'm gonna pee into electrical urinal ♪
308
00:13:34,811 --> 00:13:37,045
♪ And make the sparks go higher. ♪
309
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,180
I'm having so much fun.
310
00:13:41,785 --> 00:13:43,818
What the hell is going on?
311
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:45,787
Our mainframe is having a meltdown!
312
00:13:45,822 --> 00:13:47,255
Hang on, let me flush.
313
00:13:48,992 --> 00:13:50,225
You idiot.
314
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,027
You shut down the entire Internet.
315
00:13:52,062 --> 00:13:53,395
How could you do that?
316
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:55,564
This is the most irresponsible
thing that I've ever...
317
00:13:55,599 --> 00:13:57,432
Although I was incensed by this man,
318
00:13:57,467 --> 00:14:00,735
I had to admire his courage
for leaving his penis out
319
00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:02,804
the entire time I was yelling at him.
320
00:14:02,839 --> 00:14:05,307
As a man who struggles
with body dysmorphia,
321
00:14:05,342 --> 00:14:06,875
I couldn't help but be impressed
322
00:14:06,910 --> 00:14:09,177
by that kind of self-confidence.
323
00:14:09,212 --> 00:14:11,980
As I stood there,
being berated by this man,
324
00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:15,083
I couldn't help but notice
his searching gaze.
325
00:14:15,118 --> 00:14:17,052
Years later,
we would bump into each other
326
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:20,221
at a small cafe in Rome and
reminisce about this moment.
327
00:14:20,257 --> 00:14:23,558
And later still, recreate it
in a small bed and breakfast
328
00:14:23,594 --> 00:14:25,360
at the bottom of the Spanish Steps.
329
00:14:25,395 --> 00:14:27,729
But that's a story for another time.
330
00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:30,832
Or, as they say in Italian, molto homo.
331
00:14:38,705 --> 00:14:40,305
Peter, you've done some stupid things,
332
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:42,774
but crashing the Internet has
to be the dumbest yet.
333
00:14:42,809 --> 00:14:45,744
Look at the chaos you've caused.
334
00:14:48,248 --> 00:14:50,949
I have no idea
how to drive without texting.
335
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,986
Why can't I post this video?
336
00:14:55,022 --> 00:14:57,122
- Hello.
- What did you say?
337
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:59,424
Why aren't you looking
at your phone, you psycho?
338
00:14:59,459 --> 00:15:01,092
Why is no one liking my posts?
339
00:15:01,128 --> 00:15:02,494
Well, I hate all your posts!
340
00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:03,628
Hello.
341
00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:14,472
Hello.
342
00:15:14,508 --> 00:15:15,574
Peter, Lois is right.
343
00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:16,841
This mess is all your fault.
344
00:15:16,877 --> 00:15:18,209
Settle down, Brian.
345
00:15:18,245 --> 00:15:20,378
I'm sure life will be just fine
without the Internet.
346
00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:23,281
Maybe we can even go see
that Amish comedian.
347
00:15:23,317 --> 00:15:24,783
Sir, where are you from?
348
00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:25,884
Chicago.
349
00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:27,586
I have never been to Chicago.
350
00:15:27,621 --> 00:15:28,820
How about you, sir?
351
00:15:28,855 --> 00:15:29,888
Boston!
352
00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:31,423
I have never been to Boston.
353
00:15:31,458 --> 00:15:34,960
Anyone here from the back fields
of Pennsylvania, Ohio
354
00:15:34,995 --> 00:15:36,127
or upstate New York?
355
00:15:36,163 --> 00:15:37,295
No!
356
00:15:37,331 --> 00:15:40,432
Then I have been Jebediah, son of Abner.
357
00:15:42,536 --> 00:15:44,402
How are we gonna get back
to the airport?
358
00:15:44,438 --> 00:15:46,404
There's no Internet,
which means there's no GPS,
359
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,906
which means we can't use Uber.
360
00:15:47,941 --> 00:15:49,307
Okay, I have a crazy idea.
361
00:15:49,343 --> 00:15:50,475
Let's get a cab.
362
00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:52,177
There's a taxi stand.
363
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:55,113
Dead.
364
00:15:55,148 --> 00:15:56,214
Dead...
365
00:15:56,249 --> 00:15:57,549
Dead.
366
00:15:57,584 --> 00:15:58,650
Barely alive.
367
00:15:58,685 --> 00:15:59,784
To the airport.
368
00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:04,889
Now, because you can't stare
at your phone anymore,
369
00:16:04,925 --> 00:16:08,793
enjoy a disturbingly loud clip
of Jimmy Fallon on cab TV.
370
00:16:08,829 --> 00:16:11,196
Tonight, get ready to lose
all respect for Al Pacino
371
00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:13,798
when I force him to play a game
meant for children!
372
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:14,899
This.
373
00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:16,801
This is why Uber.
374
00:16:20,474 --> 00:16:24,242
No Netflix, no Hulu, no Amazon...
375
00:16:24,277 --> 00:16:25,877
I'm so bored.
376
00:16:25,912 --> 00:16:27,712
Come on, Meg, you're overreacting.
377
00:16:27,748 --> 00:16:29,447
We still got network TV.
378
00:16:29,483 --> 00:16:33,184
We now return to Kevin Can Wait on CBS.
379
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:34,352
Well, that's not gonna work.
380
00:16:34,388 --> 00:16:35,887
Okay, everybody, don't panic.
381
00:16:35,922 --> 00:16:38,223
We'll just do what people did
before the Internet.
382
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,391
We can play charades.
383
00:16:39,426 --> 00:16:41,192
Oh, you mean like your marriage?
384
00:16:41,228 --> 00:16:43,228
Chris, I told you that in confidence.
385
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:44,629
Dad, you got to do something.
386
00:16:44,665 --> 00:16:46,464
Nobody can live without the Internet.
387
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,233
Ah, you're right. This sucks.
388
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,135
It's even worse
than when I was roommates
389
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,569
with Oscar Pistorius.
390
00:16:51,605 --> 00:16:53,271
Somebody's in here.
391
00:16:53,306 --> 00:16:56,007
Somebody's in here!
392
00:16:56,043 --> 00:16:57,609
I'm the one who screwed this up.
393
00:16:57,644 --> 00:16:59,310
I'll be the one to fix it.
394
00:16:59,346 --> 00:17:01,112
I'll be the Internet.
395
00:17:01,148 --> 00:17:02,547
What are you talking about?
396
00:17:02,582 --> 00:17:04,849
We can do all the things
we loved about the Internet.
397
00:17:04,885 --> 00:17:06,751
We just got to do it without technology.
398
00:17:06,787 --> 00:17:08,787
From now on,
if you want to tweet something,
399
00:17:08,822 --> 00:17:10,255
you do it the old-fashioned way:
400
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,656
write it on a piece of paper,
401
00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:14,492
staple it to a bird,
and throw it out the door.
402
00:17:18,699 --> 00:17:20,899
Hey, do you follow Peter Griffin
on Twitter?
403
00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:22,534
No. Why? Is he funny?
404
00:17:22,569 --> 00:17:24,469
No, he just throws dead birds
on his lawn.
405
00:17:24,504 --> 00:17:25,870
It's awesome.
406
00:17:29,743 --> 00:17:31,576
Great news, Chris. I figured out
407
00:17:31,611 --> 00:17:33,678
how to recreate the best part of
the Internet.
408
00:17:33,714 --> 00:17:35,714
I've got pictures of five celebrities
409
00:17:35,749 --> 00:17:37,615
who you'd never believe used to be fat.
410
00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:39,984
- Great, let's see 'em.
- Sure, buddy.
411
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:43,521
But first you have to watch
this unwelcome pop-up ad.
412
00:17:43,557 --> 00:17:45,690
I don't want probiotics.
413
00:17:45,726 --> 00:17:47,058
Then press the "skip ad" button.
414
00:17:47,094 --> 00:17:48,993
Why should I do all this work?
415
00:17:49,029 --> 00:17:50,829
They're really good pictures, Chris.
416
00:17:50,864 --> 00:17:52,564
Number three will shock you.
417
00:17:52,599 --> 00:17:54,199
Okay, I'll press it.
418
00:17:54,234 --> 00:17:56,267
Oh, no! You pressed in the wrong place,
419
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:58,403
and now you're being sent
to the ad's website,
420
00:17:58,438 --> 00:18:00,271
which also has additional pop-ups.
421
00:18:00,307 --> 00:18:01,673
This is a nightmare!
422
00:18:01,708 --> 00:18:03,174
Just tell me one of 'em.
423
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,375
Kenan Thompson.
424
00:18:04,411 --> 00:18:06,644
That's not a surprise!
425
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:10,815
Peter? What are you doing?
426
00:18:10,851 --> 00:18:12,751
Oh, I'm your Waze app today.
427
00:18:12,786 --> 00:18:14,419
- You on your way to work?
- Yeah, I am.
428
00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:16,588
All right, you will be there
in six minutes.
429
00:18:16,623 --> 00:18:17,822
Just start heading straight.
430
00:18:17,858 --> 00:18:19,224
Okay, sounds good.
431
00:18:21,261 --> 00:18:23,962
- So, how's everything at...
- Take a right! Right now!
432
00:18:25,098 --> 00:18:26,564
Geez, okay, calm down.
433
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,166
Left! Take a left immediately!
434
00:18:32,973 --> 00:18:34,339
Would you like to upgrade
435
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,908
to an ad-free experience for $4.99?
436
00:18:36,943 --> 00:18:40,245
- No.
- Try new Domino's Pizza.
437
00:18:44,785 --> 00:18:46,618
Hey, Peter, who are these guys?
438
00:18:46,653 --> 00:18:48,119
Oh, this is just my looping GIF
439
00:18:48,155 --> 00:18:51,356
of black teens reacting
to a very mild burn.
440
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,091
Huh. Sounds kind of pointless.
441
00:18:53,126 --> 00:18:54,292
Oh, you mean like your feet?
442
00:19:05,138 --> 00:19:07,572
All right, trying to be
the Internet is impossible.
443
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,641
I wish I never peed on that server.
444
00:19:09,676 --> 00:19:11,242
You know, when my phone gets wet,
445
00:19:11,278 --> 00:19:12,710
I just put it in a bag of rice.
446
00:19:12,746 --> 00:19:14,045
Shut up, Meg. That's dumb.
447
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,680
I've done that before. It works.
448
00:19:15,715 --> 00:19:17,382
Chris, that's brilliant.
449
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,584
We just need a big bag
and a lot of rice.
450
00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:21,019
You sure that's gonna work?
451
00:19:21,054 --> 00:19:22,220
Eh, worth a shot.
452
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:23,688
We'll just have to roll up our sleeves
453
00:19:23,723 --> 00:19:25,089
and do the best we can,
454
00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:27,659
like the men who built New York City.
455
00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:31,229
Men, creating an entire
subway system out of nothing
456
00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:34,299
is grueling, thankless,
life-threatening work.
457
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,501
But just remember: we're doing this
458
00:19:36,536 --> 00:19:39,370
so that one day,
future commuters can be hassled
459
00:19:39,406 --> 00:19:42,473
by panhandlers
and amateur break-dancers.
460
00:19:42,509 --> 00:19:44,375
What about public masturbators?
461
00:19:44,411 --> 00:19:46,611
Especially public masturbators.
462
00:19:46,646 --> 00:19:49,113
Now, let's go die underground!
463
00:19:57,524 --> 00:19:59,791
Look, we're getting a signal.
464
00:19:59,826 --> 00:20:01,192
I think we fixed the Internet.
465
00:20:01,228 --> 00:20:02,393
Something's coming through.
466
00:20:02,429 --> 00:20:03,795
It looks like an ad.
467
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:06,698
"Smithwick's Artisinal Pretzels."
468
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:09,100
Son of a bitch!
469
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,841
Well, I'm glad you got the Internet...
470
00:20:16,877 --> 00:20:19,110
H-Hold on.
471
00:20:19,145 --> 00:20:21,012
I'm sorry, what-what were you saying?
472
00:20:21,047 --> 00:20:22,580
Yeah, sounds good.
473
00:20:22,616 --> 00:20:25,149
And send.
474
00:20:25,185 --> 00:20:28,052
Take that, Delta Air Lines.
475
00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:41,065
Submitted for your approval:
476
00:20:41,101 --> 00:20:44,335
a restaurant full of people
so distracted by their phones,
477
00:20:44,371 --> 00:20:47,538
they're unaware that they're all
about to go up in smoke,
478
00:20:47,574 --> 00:20:50,041
just like the Fox Tuesday night lineup.
479
00:21:00,024 --> 00:21:03,024
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
35695
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
