Original subtitles

You know what's more orgasmic than finding Doris Day parking?

Riding Rock Hudson? No, Mickey, watching I Love Dick on OutliciousTV.

Awkward moment number 465.

We've all been here before. You go out drinking, you're horny, you meet

someone hot and you really wanna get it on. The problem is you don't have a place.

So you ask your friend if you can sober up for a bit and stay at their place.

But, you're too horny to control yourself and off you go getting it on with your trick.

Well, that didn't happen to me tonight. Hi, I'm Ryan.

The one watching late night infomercials on the couch.

Maybe I should buy some of that special stain remover they're selling.

It's only $19.99 and I'm sure my couch will need it.

The one in the white shirt is my friend, Dustin. Well, he was wearing a white shirt.

He's the guy on top. Which is funny because he's not.

The other guy, his name is Kyle. He was my date tonight.

You heard me right. MY DATE! So, why am I not really angry about the situation

on the couch? Well, let's just say that this is just the

tip of the iceberg of the dryspell I've been going through.

Five, six, seven, eight! You're doing such a wonderful job!

Perfect! Cut!

Honey, what's going on here? I don't have a partner.

Story of his life. This drama's going to be the death of me.

Alright, look. I'll find you a partner as soon as I finish

this... this masterpiece. This is going to be my greatest achievement.

Now will you let me finish? Moving on and pony and pony and pony and pony

step out... So you're not going to apologize for last

night? What about last night?

Hello, you were getting on with Kyle. Who's Kyle?

My date. Oh him.

Yeah, I was doing you a favor. A favor?

If he's that prone to distraction, he isn't boyfriend material. You should be thanking

me. Ow.

I'm sorry. Is everything okay over here?

Yes, it is. Well, since you two chatty Kathies find it

fit to have a little coffee clatch while I'm working my ass off!

Why don't you do a little demonstration for us, huh?

Would you like that? I don't know it.

My pleasure. Five, six, seven, eight!

Moving on! Music! So maybe I'm not looking for a boyfriend.

What? You said the guy wasn't boyfriend material.

Maybe I don't want a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just looking to get laid!

I think now would be a good time to call it a day.

If you wanna get laid just go out and do it already. It's not that hard.

So says the man who's little black book is the size of New York City's phone book.

Only the Manhattan section. Ow!

Oh shit! Sorry about that! You should be! You almost broke my nose!

Don't worry about it. He's been hunting for an excuse to get his nose done anyway.

It's my first day of rehearsal so I'm a little dazed and off in my own world.

I can tell. I'm Ryan.

Ian, the new understudy. So, you're the guy with the dating problem.

Keep your chin up, everything happens for a reason.

Thanks. Keep your chin up? Who says that? That is

so lame. Ryan, hello, Ryan! Right here!

Now I know that you wanna get laid and all. But rule number one. Do not fuck the guys

that you rehearse with. It can get messy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get out of here. Mama, needs a shot

of vodka and vicodin for her nose. Goddammit!

Hello, lover, did I interrupt something? No, you didn't.

You look a little messy. I think you were totally having sex.

You can tell me if you have a boy hiding here. I won't bite. Unless he's hot.

Where is he? No one's here. I was just doing some housework.

Well, I'll let you get back to doing your housework.

I just wanted to tell you, I found a solution to your problem.

Tada! What the hell is that?

Aw, you poor thing. You've never seen one of these before. It's a-

I know what it is, what would I do with something that big?

It's your new boyfriend. Now you can get some attention every night before bed without-

I do that every night before bed already and I don't need the help of your baseball bat.

I knew you wouldn't be in to it. That is why I hooked you up with Troy.

Oh I'm not going on a blind date. Don't be so ungrateful. Troy is a nice boy!

He's this totally hot guy that runs in my neighborhood.

Oh god, delicious. Everyday he runs by my apartment, I think

he totally wants me. One day, he stopped and chatted me up.

Oh shit, so sorry. Watch where you're going with that thing.

You look even hotter dirty. Pardon?

Wanna come up for a drink? You're not my type.

I've got a cute friend! He's coming over here night.

What? Here? You gave out my address? Are you crazy? What if he's some crazy rapist?

As they always say, you can not rape the willing. Sorry for the wait, I couldn't get the cork

out. Oh, I should have told you, I don't drink.

Oh, are you in recovery? No, I just don't believe I need alcohol to

have a good time. I get it. So what should we watch.

This looks good. I think that's rated R. I try to stay away

from movies in which I don't share the values of the characters.

Wow. That would leave out like everything I've ever seen.

The news is on, we could watch that. Whoa, what are you doing?

I was going to kiss you. You said you don't need alcohol to have a

good time. I... I... I don't really do this.

What? Sex on the first date? Well, I prefer to be in a committed relationship

before I do anything. I mean I used to do it all, sex parties, bathhouses,

gang bangs, parking lots. But recently, I found Jesus has a higher purpose

for me. I prefer to have a spiritual connection with

my partner over just a physical one. I'm in a deeply committed relationship with

the lord. Are you sure he's not open to threeways?

How was Troy? Troy sucked.

Did he swallow, too? No, not like that unfortunately. He's one

of those crazy religious types that doesn't have sex until their married.

Tell him he's in the wrong state to be waiting for gay marriage.

Oh, yes. What was that?

Oh, nothing. Oh, I'm coming.

Is that Kyle? Yeah, you know we're dating now.

I thought you said he wasn't relationship material.

I meant he wasn't relationship material for you.

Listen, I'll see you tomorrow in rehearsal. I gotta clean up.

Can I stretch here? Be my guest?

So what got you started in dance? Oh gosh. I must have been like ten years old.

I was watching a Paula Abdul video on TV. She was so fierce.

My mom saw it and she called her a slut. From that moment on I always knew I wanted

to be a slut. I mean dancer. You know you're pretty funny. Hey do you wanna

grab some- Welcome back everyone!

Okay, Ryan, I have solved your partner problem. Jacob, come here please!

Ryan this is Jacob. He's an excellent dancer. Actually, I'm not exactly sure if he can dance

but; he sure made me move. You are going to be partners.

Excuse me everyone. Take five! Hey, I'm Ryan.

Do you know where the bathroom is? I'm having a dance belt issue.

Uh, yeah, it's through those doors and to the right. He's pretty cute, huh?

He's hot! Follow him.

What? He wants you to.

No. Go.

I just wanted to make sure you found it alright. This door right?

That's the one. Great.

Super. Are you okay?

I'm sorry. What happened?

I am so embarrassed. Oh I told you it can get messy.

Since our latest dancer mysteriously disappeared. I've gotta rethink this whole thing.

We need someone who can dance. Someone who can be right up front and shine.

I'll do it! You're the understudy.

However, since I am feeling a little generous today. I've had a prostate exam from a gorgeous

proctologist. Alright you can do it! Get up here!

Smile everyone! Five, six, seven, eight! Now lasso and lasso go this way and that,

get the horse! And swim and swim don't drown, don't drown.

Charleston! Charleston! Won't you kick with Charleston!

One and two and three and four. Oh you got it perfectly.

You're brilliant!