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1
00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:26,422
(static buzzing)
2
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,464
- (person breathing)
- (birds chirping)
3
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,138
(tape rewinding)
4
00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:47,405
(flies buzzing)
5
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:10,334
Man: "Home Movie"!
For "Home Movie" press one.
6
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,735
For "Happy Easter"
press two.
7
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,171
Woman:
What are you doing?
8
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,368
Man: For a terrible
"Thanksgiving," press three.
9
00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:18,968
Woman:
You're confusing our children.
10
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,343
Man:
For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five.
11
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,473
Woman:
I don't think so.
12
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:24,608
Man: Aha!
13
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:29,087
Mm-hmm, happy Halloween.
14
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:34,249
Mmm, fire.
15
00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:37,125
Fire.
16
00:01:38,331 --> 00:01:40,162
(man screams)
17
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,896
My children have been turned
into fire-breathing dragons.
18
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:45,801
(woman hisses)
19
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:48,534
It's your mother
and she's in a horrible mood
20
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,769
and a birthday cake for you.
21
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:53,335
- (scary moaning)
- Father: You're so scary.
22
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:58,749
Both: # Happy birthday-slash-
Halloween, Jack and Emily #
23
00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:03,482
#Happy birthday-
slash-Halloween to... #
24
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:07,117
Hmmm?
Oh, yes, make a wish.
25
00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:09,593
- (whispers) Make a wish.
- Father: You guys ready?
26
00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:11,289
Ready?
Blow out the candles.
27
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,162
- (father laughs)
- (cat screeches)
28
00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:18,466
(laughs)
They're not blowing out.
29
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,706
Oh, she got them.
Nope, they're still lit!
30
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:24,140
(parents laughing)
31
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:27,077
- Mother: Hey hey!
- Father: Jack!
32
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,174
Father:
Fire, mmm...
33
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,949
Mother:
Five four three two one.
34
00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:37,887
Ready or not,
here we come!
35
00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:40,016
I'm not wearing mine either.
I'll wear yours.
36
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,391
I'll wear yours.
(giggles)
37
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:46,490
- Which way does it go?
- Any way.
38
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,729
No, I'm not wearing it.
39
00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:52,168
- Okay, I'm not wearing yours either.
- Here.
40
00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:54,365
- Hey, come here.
- What are you doing?
41
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,237
Oh no, oh.
42
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:57,970
- Good evening...
- (laughs)
43
00:02:58,044 --> 00:03:01,138
...and welcome to haunted
ghost house sightings of...
44
00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:03,045
ghosts.
45
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:06,017
(moaning)
46
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:14,491
- (door crashes)
- They're down here.
47
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,632
(door creaks)
48
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,667
(father mimics creak)
49
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,030
(liquid dripping)
50
00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:26,969
(mother moaning)
51
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,508
- (shrieks)
- Father: Oh!
52
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:32,901
Ah ha ha!
53
00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:34,844
Honey, I think I know
where they are.
54
00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:36,575
- Mother: Where?
- Father: Hold the camera.
55
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,418
- Mother: Careful.
- Baby,
56
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:43,614
if I don't make it back, I just want
you to know how much I... whoa!
57
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,123
- (mother shrieks)
- (metal clatters)
58
00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:46,715
I'm all right... ouch!
59
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,522
(mother gasps)
Are you okay?
60
00:03:48,595 --> 00:03:50,620
What is it?
61
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:53,461
(Scottish accent)
Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon.
62
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,558
- (mother laughing)
- Grr.
63
00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:58,160
Mother: Nice!
64
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,139
Okay, come on, guys.
65
00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:04,176
- Game over. Mommy's tired.
- Father: Where are they?
66
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,236
- (Emily hums)
- Father: Aha! We found them!
67
00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:09,543
Mother: Okay, guys, come on.
Turn off the flashlights.
68
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:11,447
Father:
Jack and Emily Poe.
69
00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:13,917
Mother:
Turn off the flashlights.
70
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,421
- It's not good for the camera.
- Father: Listen to your mom, guys.
71
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:18,923
- Come on.
- Mother: Such cooperative children.
72
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:22,359
Father: Turn off the flashlights
or I'll turn off the camera.
73
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,794
That's better.
74
00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,225
Mother: Oh, you got me.
75
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:30,326
Oh, you got me.
76
00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:33,270
Did you just bite me?
77
00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:38,708
Father:
Bringing the heat on.
78
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,378
(mother laughs)
Nice!
79
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,077
- Fake out!
- (mimics crowd roar)
80
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:47,881
Now batting...
(mimicking echo)
81
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,319
Number 31...
82
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:51,118
Jack... Poe...
83
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,885
centerfielder,
84
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,086
the Connecticut Cormorant.
85
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:57,561
(mimics crowd roar)
86
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,325
All right.
87
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,764
Mother:
Come on, you can do it!
88
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:08,738
Nice!
89
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:11,208
Aw, come on, Jack!
90
00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:13,404
Whoop... oh!
91
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:15,242
Into the woods.
92
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,909
- Father: Holy cow.
- Mother: Oh, rats!
93
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,713
- Nice hit, son.
- Mother: That was good!
94
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,811
Good job, baby.
95
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:27,222
Oh. Little help, hon?
96
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,024
- Mother: What?
- Little help.
97
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:31,723
- What do you mean?
- A little help!
98
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,698
- You want me to get it?
- A little help.
99
00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,461
- You get it.
- Little help.
100
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,093
- My God.
- A little help.
101
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,195
Mother: Do I have to do
everything around here?
102
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,035
I'm the pitcher.
My arm, my leg...
103
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:43,575
- they gotta relax and rest.
- Your arm? My arm.
104
00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:45,838
- Come on, hon.
- Mother: I got it... okay.
105
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:48,278
Okay...
106
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,545
Yay. Oops,
got some woods here.
107
00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:53,084
Father:
Hurry up, hon!
108
00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:55,279
I think I found
some poison ivy.
109
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,017
Makes sense.
110
00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:02,221
And I just saw
a jackal... that's good.
111
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,388
Poison ivy, more snakes
112
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,591
and a jackal.
113
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,725
I'm, like,
so glad we just moved
114
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,564
to the middle of nowhere.
115
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:15,805
Hey, Em!
(laughs)
116
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,672
Have you seen
your dad's ball?
117
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,443
Okay, well, um...
118
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:23,914
I'm gonna go look over here.
119
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,986
I thought you said
you didn't see it.
120
00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:42,867
Listen, how about I shoot
your guys's clubhouse, huh?
121
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:46,098
That might be cool for you guys to look
back at when you're older, right?
122
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,470
(gate rattles)
123
00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:52,136
"No parents allowed." Hmm.
124
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:56,580
Is that all parents
or is that just me and your dad?
125
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,950
Ah. Okay.
126
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,147
Well...
127
00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:05,349
I'm gonna go
watch the game.
128
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,723
Do you want to come?
129
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,455
You can ride in the wagon.
130
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,931
(wagon rolling)
131
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,024
Mother:
Are you playing dead?
132
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,035
Again, right here.
133
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,264
It's going right there.
134
00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:21,863
Mother:
I love the zoom on this.
135
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,374
Zoom!
136
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:27,476
Oh, big swing and a miss.
137
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,141
The big fella...
notice the form though?
138
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:31,911
- Mother: Very nice.
- See that?
139
00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:33,679
Make a smiley face.
140
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:35,277
Good job.
141
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,557
(hits ball)
142
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:42,093
- I'll take that. I'll take that.
- Mother: Whoa!
143
00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:43,924
- (kisses)
- (mother laughs)
144
00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:46,362
High-five, put it there.
All right, thank you.
145
00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:49,333
Mother: Come on, Em!
Give your dad a hand!
146
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:51,734
- Yeah!
- Home run.
147
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,068
Mother: Whoo!
Good, baby, good.
148
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,199
Father: Watch this guy.
149
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,002
One more,
one more, one more.
150
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,909
- Whoop!
- What was that, a rock?
151
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,955
Mother: What?
152
00:08:13,759 --> 00:08:16,193
What?
What's the matter?
153
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:17,786
- We're done.
- What happened?
154
00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:19,354
- He's throwing rocks at me.
- Mother: What?!
155
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,800
Father:
#Du-duh! #
156
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:26,566
- (mimics creaking gate)
- (gate creaks)
157
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,139
#Du-duh!
Du-duh! Du-duh! #
158
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:31,938
#Du-duh! Du-duh!
Du-duh! #
159
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:36,573
Today we're going to learn
about the ancient art of raking.
160
00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:39,618
Raking was first discovered
161
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:43,485
by a Chinese mountain
task force in 1802.
162
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,191
My lovely assistant Jack Poe
163
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,855
is raking today because
he's being punished for throwing
164
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,830
a rock at his dad's head.
165
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:58,460
What you got, Jack?
166
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:02,865
A dead bug.
167
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:06,275
This is where we employ
the notorious garbage bag technique.
168
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:09,405
And there you have it, kids.
That's our lesson for today:
169
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:13,111
Dead things go in trash bags.
170
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:18,883
Father:
Love is in the air, can you feel it?
171
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,120
Hmmm? Yes?
172
00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:23,787
Don't let me
keep you up. Okay.
173
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,263
It's Friday,
November 9th, 10:30 PM.
174
00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:29,927
It's Clare and I's
10th wedding anniversary...
175
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:34,098
(clears throat) and I'm gonna go
attempt a most dangerous stunt.
176
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:37,233
But before I go,
in case I don't come back,
177
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:40,507
Jack, I want you to know
how much I love you.
178
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:44,243
And, Emily, I love you
very very much too.
179
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,650
So, um, well...
180
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,688
this stunt is most dangerous.
181
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,655
I wouldn't have anybody,
uh, attempt it
182
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:54,056
if you're amateur
or if you're faint of heart.
183
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,424
I'm gonna go try and jump
184
00:09:56,495 --> 00:10:00,864
all 206 of my wife's bones.
185
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,263
Okay, bye. Wish me luck.
186
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:12,674
(glass clatters, shatters)
187
00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:14,645
Oh... shit!
188
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,682
(grass crunches,
insects chirping)
189
00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:28,590
- (shower running)
- (music playing faintly)
190
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:48,239
- (mimics theme from "Psycho")
- (Clare screams)
191
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,578
(laughs)
192
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:56,581
Great. Give me this.
193
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,556
- (kisses)
- Happy anniversary.
194
00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:00,524
You better not have
the camera in here!
195
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,084
I don't have the camera in here.
What do you think I am, a pervert?
196
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,323
Clare: Yeah!
197
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,094
(giggling)
198
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,534
(with accent) "'The Mask of Sanity,'
by Hervey M Cleckley."
199
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,801
(normal voice) Some people
have booze. My wife has books.
200
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:17,866
- Clare: Ah... come here.
- No!
201
00:11:17,943 --> 00:11:20,639
- Cheese plate?
- That's a cheese plate?
202
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:23,682
- Yes, and that's a box of wine.
- I'm not drinking wine
203
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:26,445
- that comes out of a box.
- Kiss me, elitist.
204
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,783
Clare:
I am not an elitist.
205
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,583
Come on, I just moved
our family here
206
00:11:30,656 --> 00:11:32,385
to the middle
of the woods six months ago.
207
00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:34,323
- I'm not an elitist.
- You're an elitist.
208
00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:35,917
Kiss me, elitist.
209
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:38,520
Mmm, this cheese isn't bad.
210
00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:41,498
- Clare: Are you seducing me?
- Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing.
211
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,535
(Clare laughs)
212
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:46,070
Well, um, it's too bad for you.
213
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:50,097
I can't have sex right now
because I have a lot of work to do.
214
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:53,873
- You always have work to do.
- Yeah, so we have money to spend.
215
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:56,244
- Right.
- # Money to spend. #
216
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,783
Aw.
217
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:01,081
Isn't this how
the Paris Hilton video got started?
218
00:12:01,153 --> 00:12:03,678
No, I think it was...
(screams, laughs)
219
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:06,657
- Oh, you... bastard!
- (laughs)
220
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,889
Oh, where's my towel?!
221
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:13,921
Oh! (laughs)
You are dead!
222
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,762
- You are so bad.
- Bad...
223
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:18,531
do you mean like
"bad good" or "bad bad"?
224
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:20,401
I mean like bad,
nasty, evil bad.
225
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,532
You're supposed to be
a pastor, you know.
226
00:12:22,608 --> 00:12:24,405
Yeah, I'm Lutheran,
not a Catholic.
227
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,638
Well, I am a doctor,
not a whore.
228
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,612
- (both laugh)
- Say happy anniversary
229
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:31,115
- to the camera, will you?
- No.
230
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:33,344
So we have something
to remember when we're old,
231
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,819
decrepit and farting
all over each other.
232
00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:39,016
We're not gonna be farting
all over each other. That's disgusting!
233
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,752
We're gonna be farting
all over each other.
234
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:42,487
We're gonna die
in a conflagration of farts.
235
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:44,688
- Yeah, your farts.
- Somebody's gonna light a match
236
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:45,924
and we're gonna go...
(mimics explosion)
237
00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:47,158
Not my farts.
238
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:50,361
Come on, say happy anniversary
to the camera for posterity's sake.
239
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,132
Happy anniversary. And now
you can take the camera out of here
240
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:56,504
because it is supposed to be for my work
because I've spent a lot of money on it.
241
00:12:56,575 --> 00:12:59,942
I thought it was supposed
to be soft-core porn?
242
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:02,537
- No?
- (soft jazz music playing)
243
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:07,410
- I can't believe...
- I can't believe how sexy you are.
244
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:09,511
(Clare giggles)
245
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:11,647
Take your clothes off.
246
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,692
I thought you'd never ask!
247
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:17,192
Get in here.
248
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:19,128
(dog barking)
249
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:22,133
Clare:
Is that the dog? (groans)
250
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:25,637
- Why does he always do this?
- Father: Hegel, fermez la bouche.
251
00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:27,569
(Hegel whimpers)
252
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,471
(sighs) David,
please, with the camera.
253
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,669
I feel like I'm on
"The Real World" or something.
254
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:33,575
David:
"The Real World"?
255
00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:40,316
- Where's Emily?
- (Hegel continues whimpering)
256
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:46,555
David: Oh, isn't that
the most precious thing?
257
00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:50,220
Clare:
It's not precious. It's weird.
258
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,821
David: It's not weird...
the two of them in bed together?
259
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,490
They're getting too old for this.
260
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,432
David: It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
261
00:13:58,037 --> 00:14:01,165
(water drizzles)
262
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,541
(David with Irish accent) "The Story
of the Dragon and the Paper Bag,"
263
00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:15,052
by Micky Powell.
264
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:19,614
"Once upon a time,
in a land far far away,
265
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:24,152
there lived the most hideous
two-headed dragon
266
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:27,199
in all of history.
267
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:30,326
And this dragon had
this dream of eating
268
00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:33,132
all the boys
and all the girls in town.
269
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:36,333
In fact,
'twas more than a dream...
270
00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:38,638
'twas a plan.
271
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:42,010
On Halloween next,
when all the boys and all the girls
272
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:45,380
wear their paper-bag masks
to school,
273
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:49,478
the dragon decided that he was going
to wear his own paper-bag mask.
274
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,386
And, thus disguised,
275
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:54,551
he set forth
for the schoolyard.
276
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:58,154
On the schoolyard,
the schoolkids were surprised
277
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,528
by the sight
of their new student.
278
00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:02,794
'You're too tall,' they said.
279
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:06,031
'You have two heads,'
said another child.
280
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:10,565
'You can't be one of us.
You must be the dragon.'
281
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:13,339
'Trust me,'
the dragon answered,
282
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:16,040
'I'm one of you.'
283
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:18,879
'Oh, yeah?
Prove it,' they said.
284
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:21,146
'Take off your mask.'
285
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,621
The dragon knew that
that was something that he couldn't do.
286
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:28,126
'What I can do,' he said,
'is talk like you.
287
00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:31,287
I can walk like you.
288
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:35,629
Shoot, I can even
dance like you.'
289
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:39,000
'Do it,' said the children.
290
00:15:39,071 --> 00:15:42,234
And, indeed,
the dragon walked,
291
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:46,267
talked and danced just like
he was one of them.
292
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:49,212
And the children
were so convinced
293
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:52,478
that they invited him to sing
their songs with them.
294
00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:55,019
They invited him
to play in their games.
295
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,952
And when the bell rang
for lunch,
296
00:15:57,022 --> 00:16:00,014
they invited him
inside to eat with them.
297
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:02,560
'Thanks,' said the dragon,
298
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,392
'but I prefer to eat outside.'
299
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:08,365
'Outside? ' says the children.
300
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:11,665
'But whatever will you eat? '
301
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:15,730
The dragon responded, 'You.'
302
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,673
And with that,
303
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:20,871
the dragon took off
his paper-bag mask,
304
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:24,438
revealing
the two hideous heads.
305
00:16:24,516 --> 00:16:26,950
The children
started to scream,
306
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:31,956
but their screams were soon swallowed
inside the dragon's stomach."
307
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,859
That was perhaps the most
308
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:42,924
vastly inappropriate
fairy tale I've ever heard.
309
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:47,336
Hon, it's an allegory
310
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:52,105
for, you know,
"Don't trust strangers."
311
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:57,011
Good night, Steven.
312
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,846
Good night, Lou.
313
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:03,183
Good night, Nikolai...
314
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,815
commie bastard.
315
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:09,258
(soft jazz music playing)
316
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:20,169
(music stops)
317
00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:28,171
(sighs)
318
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,977
Hello, my name
is Dr. Clare Poe.
319
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,213
It is the 10th
of November, 2006.
320
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:37,016
This is video diary number one.
321
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:40,991
Patient's name: Billy Tomlinson, 11,
322
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,324
diagnosed with prodromal VEOS
323
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,363
at the Children's Hospital
in Philadelphia,
324
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:48,832
where I am currently chief resident
of the child psychiatry unit.
325
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:53,099
Patient meets all diagnostic criteria,
including disorganized speech,
326
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:57,074
alogia, catatonic features
and persistent delusions,
327
00:17:57,142 --> 00:18:01,442
with no fewer than three hallucinatory
episodes in the past three months,
328
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:03,242
in which Billy claimed
there was, quote,
329
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:06,216
"a man made of nails"
living under his bed.
330
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:09,118
10mg Abilify,
331
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:10,780
10mg loxapine.
332
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:14,758
In less than a week,
this binary treatment
333
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,421
vanquished Billy's delusions,
334
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:19,896
sending this "man made of nails"
335
00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:23,298
back to whatever synapse
misfiring he came from.
336
00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:26,531
Scheduled appointment,
including blood work,
337
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:28,368
for next Tuesday, the 14th.
338
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:28,599
Hi. It's November 18th.
339
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,507
Hi. It's November 18th.
340
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:35,513
I'm your host David Poe,
and this is "America's Funniest,
341
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,742
Most Embarrassing
Home Videos."
342
00:18:37,816 --> 00:18:42,276
Today the kids have
their Thanksgiving Day party at school.
343
00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:45,414
Mom's dressed them as something.
We're gonna find out what.
344
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:48,756
Clare: You guys look
so cute, I'm gonna vomit.
345
00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:51,660
(David laughs)
346
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:56,133
The follies of youth
are fast forgotten, not to worry.
347
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:59,227
Unless, of course,
Dad happens to be filming them.
348
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,329
- (parents laugh)
- Clare: Listen to you.
349
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,397
Honey, did you make
your own lunch?
350
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:06,103
- David: I'm sorry, you look great.
- They look great!
351
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:08,203
David:
Fantastic, absolutely.
352
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,443
Clare: What did you make?
That's... come on, please...
353
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:14,281
Give them a break.
Did you make bologna?
354
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:17,754
No? PB&J?
355
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:21,224
No? Well...
356
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:23,591
why don't we just see
what our little man
357
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,495
is bringing to the fourth grade
Thanksgiving feast, huh?
358
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,131
If he can make a sandwich,
I think you can every once in a while.
359
00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:34,036
- David: No, I can't.
- (laughing) I'm sorry.
360
00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:39,043
(Clare gasps)
361
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,579
- David: What'd you make, Jack?
- Clare: Oh!
362
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,578
(hisses, beeps)
363
00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,919
(classical instrumental
music playing)
364
00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,127
David:
Hey, boy. (clicks tongue)
365
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,291
(David growls playfully)
366
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:07,327
On this episode of "Clare Poe:
Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire,"
367
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,864
we... ooh, "Rectum?
Damn near killed 'em!"
368
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:13,309
Huh? Huh?
369
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:15,573
Jack! Emily!
370
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:17,706
I'll get 'em.
371
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:23,646
(flies buzzing on TV)
372
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,952
David: Come on, guys,
it's time to eat.
373
00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:28,515
Your mom's been working
on this turkey all day.
374
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,667
Clare:
Some apples?
375
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,703
Looks really good,
doesn't it?
376
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,474
(David clears throat)
Dear Lord...
377
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,815
(clears throat)
Thank you.
378
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:55,080
Thank you for providing us
this most bountiful feast.
379
00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:58,247
Most importantly, we thank you
for providing us with each other,
380
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:02,760
with love,
for this Thanksgiving
381
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:04,557
we owe to You,
382
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:09,431
our most trusted
and holy God.
383
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:14,063
Thank you for my wife,
my beautiful wife,
384
00:21:14,139 --> 00:21:17,006
thank you for my children
385
00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:20,704
and thank you for this life,
which is indeed blessed.
386
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,441
So let us pray.
387
00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:29,382
Dear blessed Lord,
we thank you for the gifts that you...
388
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,057
- What was that?
- (Hegel whines)
389
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:38,153
That was your children
being disrespectful.
390
00:21:41,199 --> 00:21:43,963
Well, we're not gonna eat
this turkey until they pray.
391
00:21:47,539 --> 00:21:50,201
- Okay.
- All right.
392
00:21:52,010 --> 00:21:55,377
Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the
gifts that you have provided for us...
393
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:59,349
- (Clare gasps)
- (Hegel whimpers)
394
00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:01,613
What are you guys doing?
395
00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:04,019
(children sigh)
396
00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:06,387
- Let's just eat, okay?
- I'm serious.
397
00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:11,191
We are not gonna eat
until you pray.
398
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,561
(sighs)
David, come on.
399
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:20,665
(knuckle cracks)
400
00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:24,402
Dear blessed Lord,
please give us Your...
401
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,814
(children sigh)
402
00:22:37,889 --> 00:22:39,823
(tape rewinding)
403
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:44,592
...that you have provided for us...
- (Clare gasps)
404
00:22:44,663 --> 00:22:48,497
- (Hegel whimpers)
- What are you guys doing?
405
00:22:48,567 --> 00:22:50,797
(children sigh)
406
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:57,172
Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader
David Poe
407
00:22:57,242 --> 00:22:59,176
and you're gonna learn
about an ancient art today
408
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,439
called lock picking.
409
00:23:01,513 --> 00:23:03,140
You won't find it in the manual,
410
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:05,012
but you will
find it here. Come on.
411
00:23:05,083 --> 00:23:08,382
All right? Bobby pin?
412
00:23:13,258 --> 00:23:15,522
Got it. Okay now, Jack,
first thing you wanna do:
413
00:23:15,594 --> 00:23:17,585
Open up said bobby pin,
414
00:23:17,662 --> 00:23:19,960
peel off the little rubber bit...
415
00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:23,494
put it into the lock like so.
416
00:23:24,870 --> 00:23:27,304
All right, make three circles
counterclockwise
417
00:23:27,372 --> 00:23:30,307
until you feel it... (pops)
- Go like that.
418
00:23:31,643 --> 00:23:34,305
- (lock clicks)
- There you go.
419
00:23:37,783 --> 00:23:40,149
And lock picked.
420
00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:42,209
Slide it to the left.
421
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:47,187
Okay, this is
the one-handed bowline.
422
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,853
It's a very important knot,
maybe the most essential knot.
423
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:51,896
It's un-get-out-of-able,
un-undoable
424
00:23:51,963 --> 00:23:54,431
unless of course you wanna undo it
and you have two hands.
425
00:23:54,499 --> 00:23:57,059
I'm gonna show you how
to do it with one hand. Ready?
426
00:23:57,135 --> 00:24:00,536
Go like this...
go around the tree.
427
00:24:06,178 --> 00:24:09,614
And that right there
is a bowline, all right?
428
00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:12,411
I want you to do one.
Give me one second.
429
00:24:13,752 --> 00:24:17,051
Emily, you watching?
430
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:20,057
- (croaking)
- Look at that. There he is.
431
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:21,456
There's old Nikolai.
432
00:24:35,841 --> 00:24:38,605
Perfect.
433
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:40,542
Dad's,
434
00:24:40,612 --> 00:24:43,103
Jack's.
435
00:24:43,181 --> 00:24:45,581
- (frog stops croaking)
- Perfect!
436
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:47,618
Did you see that?
437
00:24:47,686 --> 00:24:50,211
Emily, you're next.
Are you ready?
438
00:24:52,257 --> 00:24:55,021
(David gasps, groans)
439
00:25:03,134 --> 00:25:06,399
David: I scream, you scream.
We all scream for... ow!
440
00:25:06,471 --> 00:25:08,701
A little help.
441
00:25:08,773 --> 00:25:11,571
I thought you were
going jogging.
442
00:25:11,643 --> 00:25:14,510
David: I did. I was.
For about three miles.
443
00:25:14,579 --> 00:25:17,912
So I'm out there
in the middle of the woods
444
00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:19,917
and I took a left where I usually...
445
00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:22,180
anyways, there's this
inlet road there,
446
00:25:22,254 --> 00:25:25,951
and off in the distance
I heard this music, right?
447
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:28,515
And it's weird,
but it sounds familiar,
448
00:25:28,593 --> 00:25:32,962
so I jog a little closer
and I see this truck,
449
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:36,296
this ice-cream truck.
And I flagged him down.
450
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:39,633
He was coming toward me and I say,
"Hey, man, listen, it's a little loud
451
00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:41,831
at 7:00 in the morning
for you to be playing the music
452
00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:43,670
the way you're playing it.
453
00:25:43,742 --> 00:25:46,575
Would you mind turning it down
a little?" He says, "No problem."
454
00:25:46,645 --> 00:25:49,546
Real nice guy,
and he gives me two ice-cream cones.
455
00:25:49,614 --> 00:25:51,138
How about that?
456
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:53,980
I know you don't generally have
ice cream before you go to school,
457
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,679
but today's an exception.
458
00:25:55,754 --> 00:25:58,154
Our kids don't deserve
ice cream right now.
459
00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:00,657
They deserve a lecture
from their father
460
00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:02,625
because what they did was wrong.
461
00:26:02,694 --> 00:26:05,424
I know you're right. I've been
thinking about that. (sniffs)
462
00:26:05,497 --> 00:26:08,057
Here's what I thought.
463
00:26:08,133 --> 00:26:10,624
Why don't we make a movie?
464
00:26:10,702 --> 00:26:13,569
- Spend more family time together?
- (Clare sighs)
465
00:26:13,638 --> 00:26:13,660
(beeps)
466
00:26:13,705 --> 00:26:16,071
(beeps)
467
00:26:16,141 --> 00:26:19,201
(bird twitters,
footsteps crunch in the snow)
468
00:26:19,277 --> 00:26:22,212
David:
John, Paul...
469
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,680
and George.
470
00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:27,274
Sorry, Ringo!
Come on, guys, let's go!
471
00:26:27,352 --> 00:26:31,584
Perfectly decent Christmas trees just
waiting for us to put an axe in them!
472
00:26:31,656 --> 00:26:34,557
Clare: There you go.
#It's chilly #
473
00:26:34,626 --> 00:26:37,026
#Scarf on... #
oh, please!
474
00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:39,086
- (car door chimes)
- David: Who loves you?
475
00:26:39,164 --> 00:26:41,928
Clare:
Do you love me? Hmm?
476
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,366
(parents kiss)
477
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:49,203
(parents singing off-key)
#Sleep in heavenly peace... #
478
00:26:52,410 --> 00:26:55,243
- Ruh-roh.
- (holiday music playing on radio)
479
00:27:00,518 --> 00:27:04,284
- (Jack speaks gibberish)
- Clare: What are you guys saying?
480
00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:07,519
- (Emily speaks gibberish)
- David: Doing that thing they do.
481
00:27:07,592 --> 00:27:10,459
Clare: I don't like that thing.
It's like their own language.
482
00:27:13,031 --> 00:27:14,896
Stop that, okay?
483
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:17,264
Can you show me what
you're drawing?
484
00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:20,600
- (Emily speaking gibberish)
- Clare: You guys, secrets aren't nice.
485
00:27:20,672 --> 00:27:22,606
David:
Honey, secrets are essential.
486
00:27:22,674 --> 00:27:25,837
Our children work
for the Honduras CIA Task Force.
487
00:27:25,910 --> 00:27:28,674
- (Clare blows raspberry)
- Where am I turning?
488
00:27:28,747 --> 00:27:31,079
Clare: I don't know,
just turn up there somewhere.
489
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,117
- Shouldn't there be a sign?
- Clare: I don't know.
490
00:27:33,184 --> 00:27:35,243
We live in the middle
of the woods, we don't need a sign
491
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,312
- to tell us where the trees are.
- Okay, I just farted.
492
00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:39,755
Robotic Santa:
Ho ho ho!
493
00:27:39,824 --> 00:27:41,951
Hey hey!
No running with the saw!
494
00:27:42,027 --> 00:27:44,291
Robotic Santa:
Christmas tree farm!
495
00:27:44,362 --> 00:27:46,990
- How could you let Jack carry a saw?
- Robotic Santa: Trees of all sizes!
496
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,667
David: I carried a saw.
My dad let me when I was 10 years old.
497
00:27:51,736 --> 00:27:54,569
- It's like a coming-of-age thing.
- It's dangerous.
498
00:27:54,639 --> 00:27:56,800
David:
Hey, how 'bout this one?
499
00:27:58,243 --> 00:28:01,235
Clare:
That tree's, like, anorexic.
500
00:28:01,312 --> 00:28:03,906
- You're a pastor.
- David: "American Idol," look out.
501
00:28:03,982 --> 00:28:05,347
(Clare laughs)
502
00:28:05,417 --> 00:28:09,683
David:
#The first noel #
503
00:28:09,754 --> 00:28:12,882
#The angels did sing... #
504
00:28:12,957 --> 00:28:14,982
Clare:
That's almost kind of scary.
505
00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:18,120
David:
#La la la la la la la #
506
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:23,031
#You're my everything. #
507
00:28:28,273 --> 00:28:30,264
(clears throat)
508
00:28:32,077 --> 00:28:34,102
"And Cain...
509
00:28:34,179 --> 00:28:37,979
and Cain said to Abel, his brother,
'Let us go out in the field.'
510
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:41,280
And when they were
in the field, Cain rose up
511
00:28:41,352 --> 00:28:44,913
against his brother Abel
and killed him.
512
00:28:44,989 --> 00:28:48,652
Then the Lord said to Cain,
513
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:51,696
'Where is Abel your brother? '
514
00:28:51,763 --> 00:28:54,732
He said, 'I do not know.
Am I my brother's keeper? '
515
00:28:54,799 --> 00:28:57,029
And the Lord said,
'What have you done?"'
516
00:28:58,470 --> 00:29:00,563
"So...
517
00:29:00,638 --> 00:29:04,267
so... so...
so this Christmas...
518
00:29:07,846 --> 00:29:10,371
let's do more than
just open gifts.
519
00:29:10,448 --> 00:29:12,382
Because we are...
520
00:29:12,450 --> 00:29:14,782
all of us...
our brother's keeper.
521
00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:21,184
Let's follow
in Christ's footsteps.
522
00:29:21,259 --> 00:29:23,557
Let's...
523
00:29:23,628 --> 00:29:27,064
let's fight evil on
a daily basis because then,
524
00:29:27,132 --> 00:29:29,657
and only then,
525
00:29:29,734 --> 00:29:31,759
can we call ourselves
Christians,
526
00:29:31,836 --> 00:29:35,704
worthy in the eyes
of the Lord."
527
00:29:37,509 --> 00:29:40,342
No one wants to hear
this shit on Christmas Eve.
528
00:29:40,411 --> 00:29:43,244
You just suck.
529
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:49,845
You suck...
530
00:29:49,921 --> 00:29:52,685
so so much.
531
00:29:56,494 --> 00:29:58,928
- (pens clatter on desk)
- You suck.
532
00:29:58,997 --> 00:29:59,088
(electrical buzzing)
533
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:01,394
(electrical buzzing)
534
00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:05,425
Clare: Ah, hey!
Beautiful! You did it!
535
00:30:05,503 --> 00:30:08,165
- We have connection?
- Clare: We have connection.
536
00:30:08,239 --> 00:30:11,003
- Tell me, Santa.
- Anything, little girl.
537
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,839
Clare: What is the secret
to your gluteal success?
538
00:30:13,912 --> 00:30:16,073
Santa uses
a Stairmaster, baby.
539
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:19,116
- Clare: Mmm, nice, I like it.
- (loud fart)
540
00:30:19,184 --> 00:30:22,312
- Clare: Eww, no presents for you!
- Ho ho ho! (laughing)
541
00:30:22,387 --> 00:30:24,150
Ho ho ho!
542
00:30:24,222 --> 00:30:27,282
- (Clare hums a tune)
- David: Come on, guys!
543
00:30:27,358 --> 00:30:28,950
Rise and shine!
544
00:30:29,027 --> 00:30:31,825
It's a gastrointestinal Christmas!
545
00:30:31,896 --> 00:30:34,990
- You're all invited to participate.
- (Clare laughs)
546
00:30:35,066 --> 00:30:37,728
Did you bring
your whoopee cushion?
547
00:30:37,802 --> 00:30:40,202
All right, guys,
who's ready for Christmas?
548
00:30:40,271 --> 00:30:43,468
- All right, it's Christmas time!
- (Clare laughs) Yeah.
549
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:45,441
Clare:
What do we have here?
550
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:47,137
- What is this?
- Presents!
551
00:30:47,212 --> 00:30:50,238
Open 'em up.
Let's see what we got.
552
00:30:52,750 --> 00:30:54,149
(laughs)
Oh my God!
553
00:30:57,555 --> 00:30:59,955
David: # Can't stop it,
I just can't stop it #
554
00:31:00,024 --> 00:31:02,322
#Can't stop it,
I just can't... #
555
00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:04,054
#Stop it! #
556
00:31:04,128 --> 00:31:05,857
#I got presents #
557
00:31:05,930 --> 00:31:08,023
#So many presents. #
558
00:31:08,099 --> 00:31:10,397
(stereo playing
Christmas music)
559
00:31:13,605 --> 00:31:15,368
Super Soaker.
560
00:31:16,641 --> 00:31:20,168
Ah ha ha ha!
How 'bout them apples?
561
00:31:20,245 --> 00:31:23,078
- Clare: That's not fair.
- David: What?
562
00:31:23,147 --> 00:31:27,049
Clare: Jack Mathias Poe,
put that water gun down right now.
563
00:31:27,118 --> 00:31:29,382
Right now,
right this instant!
564
00:31:29,454 --> 00:31:31,115
Hey hey hey...
not in the house!
565
00:31:31,189 --> 00:31:33,851
- Not in the house!
- (David laughs)
566
00:31:33,925 --> 00:31:36,257
Ooh hoo hoo!
The game is on!
567
00:31:36,327 --> 00:31:38,591
Come on, come on,
come on!
568
00:31:38,663 --> 00:31:41,860
- David: The game is on!
- Okay, now... don't get the camera!
569
00:31:41,933 --> 00:31:43,992
(footsteps climbing stairs)
570
00:31:48,006 --> 00:31:49,837
David:
Not in here.
571
00:31:53,144 --> 00:31:54,577
(door slams loudly)
572
00:31:54,646 --> 00:31:56,580
David: Oh!
573
00:32:03,121 --> 00:32:05,282
(sighs)
574
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:12,286
Yesterday morning,
the 25th of December...
575
00:32:13,698 --> 00:32:15,529
Christmas...
576
00:32:17,168 --> 00:32:19,398
Jack and Emily crucified
the family cat.
577
00:32:19,470 --> 00:32:21,836
(exhales sharply)
578
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:28,078
My children need help.
579
00:32:28,146 --> 00:32:32,207
As a doctor,
as their mother, it is...
580
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:41,088
My children need help.
581
00:32:41,159 --> 00:32:44,390
Subjects: Jack
and Emily Poe, age 10.
582
00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:47,124
Birthday:
October 31st, 1997.
583
00:32:47,198 --> 00:32:48,927
No prenatal trauma,
584
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,492
no temporal lobe epilepsy
or amygdala damage.
585
00:32:52,570 --> 00:32:55,596
Asperger's disorder possible,
but unlikely.
586
00:32:55,673 --> 00:33:00,440
Malicious intent falls
into the category of conduct disorder,
587
00:33:00,511 --> 00:33:05,380
a precursor to adult ASP
or anti-social personality disorder.
588
00:33:05,450 --> 00:33:08,817
Either the MMPI or the PCL-R
will have to be administered
589
00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:12,686
to test the ambit and extent of Jack
and Emily's psychopathology,
590
00:33:12,757 --> 00:33:15,282
the ambit and extent of...
591
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:17,260
their malice.
592
00:33:17,328 --> 00:33:19,853
(beeps)
593
00:33:19,931 --> 00:33:22,161
(TV playing in background)
594
00:33:23,568 --> 00:33:26,230
Ha ha, and welcome
to another New Year's Eve,
595
00:33:26,304 --> 00:33:28,363
our first here
at the Poe household.
596
00:33:28,439 --> 00:33:31,101
We're gonna usher in
a year of prosperity,
597
00:33:31,175 --> 00:33:34,167
- love and a healthy buzz...
- (noisemakers honking on TV)
598
00:33:34,245 --> 00:33:37,408
...which I've been nursing
since 5:00 this afternoon.
599
00:33:37,482 --> 00:33:40,508
(revelers shout,
hoot and honk on TV)
600
00:33:42,954 --> 00:33:45,445
Nyeh nyeh nyeh.
601
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:47,354
Indians.
602
00:33:47,425 --> 00:33:49,416
(toots)
603
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,332
(blowing nose)
604
00:34:06,110 --> 00:34:07,907
- Oh my God.
- (David snickers)
605
00:34:07,979 --> 00:34:10,311
David, I'm blowing my nose.
606
00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:12,406
- God.
- David: Hi, honey.
607
00:34:12,483 --> 00:34:15,111
- You ready?
- Do you mind?
608
00:34:15,186 --> 00:34:17,518
- David: I don't mind at all.
- Good Lord.
609
00:34:19,490 --> 00:34:22,118
Hi! Okay, can you
put it down now?
610
00:34:22,193 --> 00:34:24,161
- David: Cheers.
- Cheers!
611
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,594
- Happy New Year.
- David: Mm-hmm!
612
00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:29,859
- Are you ready?
- (sighs)
613
00:34:34,505 --> 00:34:37,770
- Oh, boy.
- Um, no. I just, um...
614
00:34:37,842 --> 00:34:40,208
I'm thinking that...
615
00:34:40,278 --> 00:34:44,408
maybe we shouldn't
go out tonight.
616
00:34:44,482 --> 00:34:46,211
You know?
617
00:34:46,284 --> 00:34:48,218
The kids...
God, stop it.
618
00:34:48,286 --> 00:34:50,811
David: The kids are fine.
They're fine. Besides, Madre,
619
00:34:50,888 --> 00:34:53,482
you deserve a night out.
620
00:34:53,558 --> 00:34:57,016
Yeah, but we just...
we never go out.
621
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:59,427
And that's the point.
Exactly why we should go out.
622
00:34:59,497 --> 00:35:02,057
Come on.
623
00:35:02,133 --> 00:35:06,297
We'll go out.
We'll go to our old stomping grounds.
624
00:35:06,370 --> 00:35:08,167
We'll hit the city, we'll tear it up,
625
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,002
we'll have some fun,
see some old friends.
626
00:35:10,074 --> 00:35:12,440
Just for one night.
627
00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:14,501
- Okay.
- (kisses)
628
00:35:14,579 --> 00:35:17,548
Is the babysitter here yet?
629
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:19,242
Huh-uh.
630
00:35:19,317 --> 00:35:21,285
Well, maybe we should
call her, okay?
631
00:35:21,352 --> 00:35:23,718
- Okay.
- (door bangs)
632
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:26,279
Sorry.
633
00:35:26,357 --> 00:35:28,257
How much did you drink?
634
00:35:28,326 --> 00:35:31,591
(chuckles)
Nothing.
635
00:35:31,662 --> 00:35:34,187
Not anything.
Not much of anything.
636
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,766
- You know what happens.
- Yeah, I do,
637
00:35:39,837 --> 00:35:42,067
and I don't want that.
638
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,267
That's gonna be
my New Year's resolution.
639
00:35:44,342 --> 00:35:47,243
- Pfft.
- What?
640
00:35:47,311 --> 00:35:49,745
- (makeup clatters)
- (Clare sighs)
641
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,476
Well, what's gonna be yours?
What's your resolution?
642
00:35:52,550 --> 00:35:55,075
Secret.
643
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,814
(thunder rumbles)
644
00:35:56,888 --> 00:35:59,516
Secrets are cool.
That's what we have around here, right?
645
00:35:59,590 --> 00:36:02,252
Oh, yeah, okay.
646
00:36:02,326 --> 00:36:05,386
(sighs)
647
00:36:07,031 --> 00:36:09,693
That's why you don't want
to go into the city, isn't it?
648
00:36:09,767 --> 00:36:12,327
'Cause you don't want to see
people we used to know.
649
00:36:12,403 --> 00:36:15,839
'Cause just they might ask
that inevitable question:
650
00:36:15,907 --> 00:36:19,900
"David, Clare,
how are the kids?"
651
00:36:26,751 --> 00:36:28,651
Can you turn
the camera off, please?
652
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:30,983
Sure, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you turn it off?
653
00:36:34,292 --> 00:36:37,728
You tell the camera
your New Year's resolution,
654
00:36:37,795 --> 00:36:39,990
then you can turn it off.
655
00:36:41,265 --> 00:36:43,130
Come on, I told mine.
656
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:45,135
I promise
I won't watch it.
657
00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:48,297
You should turn the camera off!
The battery's gonna die!
658
00:36:51,175 --> 00:36:53,302
(kicks bathtub)
659
00:36:58,683 --> 00:37:00,583
(sighs)
660
00:37:03,154 --> 00:37:05,714
(whispers)
I'm not talking into the camera.
661
00:37:08,359 --> 00:37:10,759
(wind blowing,
thunder rumbling)
662
00:37:12,396 --> 00:37:14,762
(rain pattering)
663
00:37:18,202 --> 00:37:20,466
Hello.
664
00:37:21,539 --> 00:37:23,769
(sighs)
665
00:37:23,841 --> 00:37:26,503
For you.
666
00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:28,010
Ding-dong.
667
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,321
Yeah, I'm gonna smoke.
668
00:37:46,397 --> 00:37:48,558
New Year's resolution.
669
00:37:48,633 --> 00:37:50,658
Here we go.
670
00:37:50,735 --> 00:37:53,761
I resolve...
671
00:37:56,307 --> 00:37:58,741
I resolve to...
(exhales)
672
00:37:58,809 --> 00:38:00,743
(distant train horn)
673
00:38:00,811 --> 00:38:02,802
...not quit smoking.
674
00:38:12,690 --> 00:38:15,420
I want...
675
00:38:17,328 --> 00:38:20,820
(groans)
I want this family to be
676
00:38:20,898 --> 00:38:24,561
the family that
677
00:38:24,635 --> 00:38:27,433
I thought it would be
678
00:38:27,505 --> 00:38:31,202
when I thought about having
a family in the first place,
679
00:38:31,275 --> 00:38:34,938
because... this isn't.
680
00:38:39,583 --> 00:38:42,279
It's... (sighs)
681
00:38:42,353 --> 00:38:44,821
I feel like I don't
know these people.
682
00:38:51,462 --> 00:38:53,896
There are strangers
in my house.
683
00:38:53,964 --> 00:38:56,524
(children's muffled cries)
684
00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:00,127
Jack:
Mom, help.
685
00:39:03,374 --> 00:39:06,400
- Clare: What are you doing?
- (children moaning, panting)
686
00:39:06,477 --> 00:39:10,004
Oh my God!
What is this?!
687
00:39:10,081 --> 00:39:12,515
- David: I didn't do that.
- Clare: Well, that's...
688
00:39:12,583 --> 00:39:15,347
Were you rough-housing
with Daddy?
689
00:39:15,419 --> 00:39:17,353
- Who hurt you? Did Daddy hurt...
- David: Well...
690
00:39:17,421 --> 00:39:18,718
Clare:
Be quiet, David!
691
00:39:18,789 --> 00:39:21,121
Who hurt you?
Did Daddy bite you?
692
00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:23,888
- Who bit you?
- Emily: The man.
693
00:39:23,961 --> 00:39:26,259
- Clare: What man?
- Jack: The man in the closet.
694
00:39:26,330 --> 00:39:28,423
(beeps)
695
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:42,236
January 1st, 2007,
696
00:39:42,313 --> 00:39:45,282
4:06 AM.
697
00:39:48,119 --> 00:39:51,179
Multiple bite marks found
698
00:39:51,255 --> 00:39:55,555
on both Jack and Emily's
torso and arms.
699
00:39:55,626 --> 00:39:57,617
(thunder rumbles)
700
00:39:57,695 --> 00:40:00,789
Bites so deep they left,
for lack of a better word,
701
00:40:00,865 --> 00:40:03,959
craters in their flesh.
702
00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:06,025
(rain pattering)
703
00:40:07,671 --> 00:40:11,767
It is worth noting,
in the interest of full disclosure,
704
00:40:11,842 --> 00:40:13,673
a bit of the past
when it comes to my husband.
705
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:16,713
David was,
as a child, abused.
706
00:40:16,781 --> 00:40:19,443
Abused children,
as proven by Piaget,
707
00:40:19,517 --> 00:40:22,782
are predisposed as adults
to abusing their own children.
708
00:40:22,853 --> 00:40:27,119
All I know is there's
709
00:40:27,191 --> 00:40:29,785
a lot I don't know
about my husband.
710
00:40:29,860 --> 00:40:32,829
I know he drinks more than
he should, and when he...
711
00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:34,296
(slapping hard)
712
00:40:38,869 --> 00:40:42,270
(Clare sighs)
Oh, this is specious.
713
00:40:42,339 --> 00:40:45,103
Children have
overactive imaginations.
714
00:40:45,176 --> 00:40:47,610
The man in the closet
is not real,
715
00:40:47,678 --> 00:40:50,579
but the bite marks are.
716
00:40:52,817 --> 00:40:55,149
Who's been biting
my children?
717
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:05,387
(car door shuts,
faint music plays)
718
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,795
David:
Ooh, you're pretty.
719
00:41:07,865 --> 00:41:10,231
Ooh, you look upset.
720
00:41:12,536 --> 00:41:15,596
Surprise!
Happy Valentine's day, hon!
721
00:41:15,673 --> 00:41:18,164
- How was Philly?
- I'm taking the kids to my mother's.
722
00:41:18,242 --> 00:41:20,107
- You're doing what?
- If you want to have
723
00:41:20,177 --> 00:41:22,202
a normal conversation
like two normal adult people,
724
00:41:22,279 --> 00:41:24,543
I'd be happy to do that
but I am not doing this.
725
00:41:24,615 --> 00:41:26,173
David:
Our kids are not normal.
726
00:41:26,250 --> 00:41:27,774
We can't move
into the middle of nowhere,
727
00:41:27,852 --> 00:41:30,548
raise them in this Norman Rockwell
world, expect everything...
728
00:41:30,621 --> 00:41:33,886
- nothing's changed. It didn't work!
- What's your point?
729
00:41:33,958 --> 00:41:36,392
David: My point is that there's
something bad in this house
730
00:41:36,460 --> 00:41:38,553
- and it isn't me.
- Our children are behaving badly
731
00:41:38,629 --> 00:41:40,597
because they themselves have
been treated badly.
732
00:41:40,664 --> 00:41:43,292
It is rudimentary cause and effect,
symptomatic of a larger problem.
733
00:41:43,367 --> 00:41:45,801
David: I can't believe you're
a psychologist. I can't believe it.
734
00:41:45,870 --> 00:41:47,599
You don't even know
your own kids are psychotic.
735
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:50,299
- Our children are not psychotic.
- David: They crucified the fucking cat!
736
00:41:50,374 --> 00:41:52,604
Okay? They put goldfish
in a sandwich.
737
00:41:52,676 --> 00:41:55,975
They put the frog in vise grips.
I saw them eating raw meat!
738
00:41:56,046 --> 00:41:58,742
Clare: Obvious revolt
from two abused children.
739
00:41:58,816 --> 00:42:02,115
Say it to the camera.
Say I abused our children.
740
00:42:02,186 --> 00:42:05,178
- Say it to my face.
- It's not...
741
00:42:05,256 --> 00:42:08,657
- Go ahead!
- I'm not gonna say it to the camera.
742
00:42:08,726 --> 00:42:13,254
All right, say it to me.
Go ahead, say I abused our children.
743
00:42:13,330 --> 00:42:16,265
It's not you.
It's the fucking camera.
744
00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:18,893
I'm taking the children
to my mother's.
745
00:42:18,969 --> 00:42:20,869
No, you're not, Clare.
746
00:42:20,938 --> 00:42:23,133
Their bodies were covered
in bite marks.
747
00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:25,107
- I didn't do it!
- Well, then who did,
748
00:42:25,175 --> 00:42:28,576
- the man in the closet?
- (phone ringing)
749
00:42:33,751 --> 00:42:36,185
Clare:
Um, February 14th, 1:45 PM.
750
00:42:38,722 --> 00:42:42,385
While the student body
of St. Walter's was attending
751
00:42:42,459 --> 00:42:46,395
a St. Valentine's Day
assembly in the cafeteria,
752
00:42:48,465 --> 00:42:50,899
Jack and Emily cornered a boy,
753
00:42:50,968 --> 00:42:54,734
Christian McNamara, age nine,
754
00:42:54,805 --> 00:42:56,568
one grade below them,
755
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,575
into the boys' bathroom.
756
00:42:59,643 --> 00:43:03,272
Once inside,
they locked the door
757
00:43:03,347 --> 00:43:07,408
and began
to bite him repeatedly.
758
00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:11,817
And they just wouldn't stop.
759
00:43:13,390 --> 00:43:16,518
The boy is fine,
uh, medically,
760
00:43:18,228 --> 00:43:20,822
but Jack and Emily
have been expelled.
761
00:43:20,898 --> 00:43:22,832
It's clear to me now
that no one
762
00:43:22,900 --> 00:43:25,733
was biting Jack and Emily.
763
00:43:27,037 --> 00:43:29,870
Jack and Emily were
biting each other.
764
00:43:34,411 --> 00:43:36,379
This has to stop.
765
00:43:42,586 --> 00:43:45,111
- (Emily humming)
- David: Emily?
766
00:43:48,092 --> 00:43:51,084
- Emmy?
- (humming continues)
767
00:43:54,064 --> 00:43:56,362
Emily?
768
00:43:56,433 --> 00:43:59,402
Hey, honey.
769
00:43:59,470 --> 00:44:01,836
The shade is down.
770
00:44:17,388 --> 00:44:20,255
You ready to talk to me
about what happened?
771
00:44:21,458 --> 00:44:23,517
'Cause I'm ready to listen.
772
00:44:41,712 --> 00:44:44,476
(quietly) Why did
you hurt Christian McNamara?
773
00:44:46,684 --> 00:44:49,414
Because you did
hurt him, you know.
774
00:44:52,056 --> 00:44:54,991
They said that
after you bit him, he was bleeding.
775
00:44:55,059 --> 00:44:57,459
You broke the skin
but you kept...
776
00:45:05,102 --> 00:45:07,127
Why did you keep biting him?
777
00:45:22,986 --> 00:45:26,547
This picture, this drawing that
you and Jack did,
778
00:45:29,193 --> 00:45:32,560
it seems like
you had it all planned out.
779
00:45:32,629 --> 00:45:36,190
You were gonna bring him into the
bathroom and lock the door, right?
780
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:41,697
Well, honey, in court,
that's called premeditated.
781
00:45:47,511 --> 00:45:49,945
Why did you hurt him?
782
00:45:58,388 --> 00:46:00,515
Baby, do you know how...
783
00:46:00,591 --> 00:46:02,855
do you know
how in church
784
00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:06,157
I talk about how for every
good thing that God does,
785
00:46:06,230 --> 00:46:09,791
Satan does a bad thing?
786
00:46:09,867 --> 00:46:13,564
Well, just like
there are angels on the earth,
787
00:46:13,637 --> 00:46:16,697
there's also demons
and they can go everywhere.
788
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:23,239
Do you think there are
bad things in this house?
789
00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:37,989
- Who's the man in the closet?
- (footsteps ascending stairs)
790
00:46:40,697 --> 00:46:43,996
Emily?
I need to talk to your father,
791
00:46:44,067 --> 00:46:47,127
so would you go downstairs, please,
and please stay out of Jack's room?
792
00:46:47,204 --> 00:46:49,138
Right now.
793
00:46:49,206 --> 00:46:51,367
Thank you.
794
00:46:53,610 --> 00:46:55,908
I'm taking the camera.
795
00:46:55,979 --> 00:46:58,243
Oh, so you get to film
the children but I don't,
796
00:46:58,315 --> 00:47:00,613
is that it?
It's a family camera, you know.
797
00:47:00,684 --> 00:47:02,709
It's not yours.
798
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:07,120
I use it for my work.
Jack is my work.
799
00:47:07,191 --> 00:47:09,182
Jack is your son.
800
00:47:10,794 --> 00:47:12,591
All right, Jack,
801
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:16,463
now we're gonna do what's called
a Rorschach test, okay?
802
00:47:17,935 --> 00:47:20,403
All you have to do is
look at the pictures.
803
00:47:25,242 --> 00:47:27,642
Tell me what you see.
804
00:47:31,648 --> 00:47:35,209
It's okay, Jack,
Mommy's not gonna get mad, all right?
805
00:47:37,221 --> 00:47:39,815
You just have to look
at the pictures.
806
00:47:39,890 --> 00:47:43,189
Just tell me what you see.
807
00:47:43,260 --> 00:47:45,285
(tape fast-forwarding)
808
00:47:49,466 --> 00:47:52,902
Okay, I'll take the pictures
back now, Jack.
809
00:47:52,970 --> 00:47:54,995
Give me the pictures.
810
00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:19,025
I'm beginning a...
811
00:48:21,064 --> 00:48:24,192
a course in, uh,
psychopharmacology.
812
00:48:26,103 --> 00:48:28,071
10mg clonidine.
813
00:48:28,138 --> 00:48:30,698
(match strikes and sparks)
814
00:48:40,083 --> 00:48:43,712
Exorcism doesn't exist
for Lutherans.
815
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:49,214
Nor does it exist, really,
in practice for Catholics
816
00:48:49,293 --> 00:48:52,091
or for any Christians,
for that matter.
817
00:48:52,162 --> 00:48:53,823
Yellow in the morning,
818
00:48:53,897 --> 00:48:57,264
white in the afternoon,
pink in the evening.
819
00:48:57,334 --> 00:48:59,495
David:
It's a practice that's deemed...
820
00:48:59,569 --> 00:49:00,831
archaic.
821
00:49:00,904 --> 00:49:01,029
Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.
822
00:49:01,071 --> 00:49:04,302
Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.
823
00:49:04,374 --> 00:49:06,365
Do you understand?
824
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:09,606
Otherwise your body will go
into what we call "a conscious coma."
825
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:13,013
David: We've somehow today
deemed it more palatable
826
00:49:13,083 --> 00:49:16,143
to reduce John Wayne Gacy's
33 murders
827
00:49:16,219 --> 00:49:19,780
to the fact that
he was abused as a child.
828
00:49:19,856 --> 00:49:22,552
Clare:
10mg Haldol...
829
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,889
10mg vesprin.
830
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,433
David:
I got news for you...
831
00:49:34,705 --> 00:49:37,640
there is evil
in this house.
832
00:49:43,847 --> 00:49:46,372
- Leave this house in Christ.
- (liquid splashes)
833
00:49:53,890 --> 00:49:56,654
- (liquid splashes)
- Leave this house in Christ.
834
00:50:02,232 --> 00:50:04,666
Leave this house
in Christ.
835
00:50:04,735 --> 00:50:07,260
Leave this house in Christ.
836
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:18,943
(Emily hums)
837
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:22,577
David: This is my house!
These are my children!
838
00:50:22,652 --> 00:50:26,782
Leave my fucking children alone!
Get the fuck out of my house!
839
00:50:26,857 --> 00:50:28,415
(Jack laughs)
840
00:50:32,262 --> 00:50:34,355
Leave this house
in Christ.
841
00:50:34,431 --> 00:50:36,160
(Jack and Emily grunt, yell)
842
00:50:36,233 --> 00:50:38,098
(kids whimpering)
843
00:50:45,976 --> 00:50:48,240
Leave this house
in Christ!
844
00:50:48,311 --> 00:50:50,142
(children yelling
and whimpering)
845
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:53,482
Stay down,
stay down!
846
00:51:00,424 --> 00:51:01,789
(wind blowing,
house rumbling, creaking)
847
00:51:01,858 --> 00:51:05,692
"The children of the kingdom
will be cast into outer darkness,
848
00:51:05,762 --> 00:51:09,630
and there shall be weeping,
there shall be gnashing of teeth."
849
00:51:09,699 --> 00:51:12,031
- Leave this house in Christ!
- (Clare knocking)
850
00:51:12,102 --> 00:51:14,434
- David? David?
- Leave this house in...
851
00:51:14,504 --> 00:51:17,337
- Leave leave leave leave!
- (pounding on door)
852
00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,035
- Leave leave!
- (kids screaming)
853
00:51:20,110 --> 00:51:22,772
Leave leave!
854
00:51:22,846 --> 00:51:26,282
- Leave leave!
- (Clare sobbing)
855
00:51:28,318 --> 00:51:31,014
- (rumbling and creaking stop)
- It's okay, the evil is gone.
856
00:51:31,088 --> 00:51:34,080
(Clare continues sobbing)
857
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:40,220
Clare's voice:
April 8th, 2007.
858
00:51:40,297 --> 00:51:41,924
Easter Sunday.
859
00:51:41,998 --> 00:51:44,330
Two months have passed.
860
00:51:44,401 --> 00:51:47,131
I'm happy to report that
since my last report,
861
00:51:47,204 --> 00:51:51,106
Jack and Emily's
antisocial behavior has surceased.
862
00:51:51,174 --> 00:51:55,201
The Haldol and vesprin show
no negative side effects,
863
00:51:55,278 --> 00:51:58,338
allowing them
to successfully reenter school.
864
00:51:58,415 --> 00:52:02,112
Much to our surprise, they have
befriended Christian McNamara,
865
00:52:02,185 --> 00:52:04,653
inviting him over
to hunt for Easter eggs,
866
00:52:04,721 --> 00:52:07,986
proving once again
that there is no good child,
867
00:52:08,058 --> 00:52:10,219
there is no bad child,
868
00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:12,056
there is only diagnosis.
869
00:52:12,129 --> 00:52:16,088
- And with the diagnosis, treatment.
- Clare: You're insane.
870
00:52:16,166 --> 00:52:18,361
Clare's voice:
I have treated my children.
871
00:52:18,435 --> 00:52:20,960
(cartoon playing on TV)
872
00:52:24,508 --> 00:52:26,999
- (kids laugh)
- David: Hey, guys, what are you doing?
873
00:52:27,077 --> 00:52:28,738
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Daddy!
874
00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:31,007
- Hey, Mr. Poe.
- David: Hi, honey. Hey, Christian.
875
00:52:31,081 --> 00:52:33,447
- Are my kids being good to you?
- Yeah.
876
00:52:33,517 --> 00:52:35,849
- David: Outstanding.
- Hi, Dad.
877
00:52:35,919 --> 00:52:39,480
David:
Hey, what's going on? Hi, honey.
878
00:52:39,556 --> 00:52:41,251
- How are you?
- Emily: Good.
879
00:52:41,324 --> 00:52:42,689
David: What are you guys up to?
Are you having fun?
880
00:52:42,759 --> 00:52:46,695
- Mm-hmm.
- David: Nice. How about this?
881
00:52:49,266 --> 00:52:51,530
Is this embarrassing you?
882
00:52:52,569 --> 00:52:54,503
- Yes.
- Huh?
883
00:52:54,571 --> 00:52:57,199
- Okay, what are you building?
- Kids: A fort.
884
00:52:57,274 --> 00:52:59,435
Yeah? You have
enough blankets to build a fort?
885
00:52:59,509 --> 00:53:02,478
- Kids: Mm-hmm.
- All right, build it strong
886
00:53:02,546 --> 00:53:04,070
because William Tecumseh
Sherman's coming.
887
00:53:04,147 --> 00:53:05,876
(laughs)
888
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:10,251
Too young
for Fort Sumter jokes?
889
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,754
- No, I got it.
- It's not funny?
890
00:53:12,822 --> 00:53:15,052
- Nah, kind of.
- Okay.
891
00:53:16,660 --> 00:53:18,821
We're gonna get ready
for the Easter egg hunt.
892
00:53:18,895 --> 00:53:20,419
- Emily: Okay.
- In a half an hour.
893
00:53:20,497 --> 00:53:22,897
Can I see by show of hands
who wants to hunt Easter eggs?
894
00:53:22,966 --> 00:53:25,833
Outstanding. Okay, we're gonna
do it in half an hour, okay?
895
00:53:25,902 --> 00:53:27,836
- Mm-hmm.
- Synchronize watches.
896
00:53:27,904 --> 00:53:29,804
- All right.
- We're not wearing watches.
897
00:53:29,873 --> 00:53:31,238
- Bye, Daddy!
- Bye, Mr. Poe.
898
00:53:31,308 --> 00:53:33,538
- David: Hey, I love you.
- I love you too, Daddy.
899
00:53:33,610 --> 00:53:35,840
- David: I love you, honey.
- I love you too.
900
00:53:35,912 --> 00:53:37,277
- David: See you in the kitchen.
- Okay!
901
00:53:37,347 --> 00:53:39,406
All right?
902
00:53:39,482 --> 00:53:42,349
Cutest kids in the world.
903
00:53:42,419 --> 00:53:45,252
I'm gonna do
a little recap for the kids.
904
00:53:45,322 --> 00:53:47,347
10 years ago,
Easter, you and I?
905
00:53:47,424 --> 00:53:50,951
Oh, Mr. Romance.
906
00:53:51,027 --> 00:53:52,961
- (laughs)
- Yes, children,
907
00:53:53,029 --> 00:53:55,463
your father was walking
out of a church,
908
00:53:55,532 --> 00:53:58,365
looked across the quad.
He spotted your mother,
909
00:53:58,435 --> 00:54:01,302
the patented
David Poe charm kicked in and...
910
00:54:01,371 --> 00:54:02,998
(clicks, vrooms)
911
00:54:03,073 --> 00:54:05,405
You could almost hear it.
We got to talking.
912
00:54:05,475 --> 00:54:07,943
Yeah, you got to talking.
I got to staring,
913
00:54:08,011 --> 00:54:10,775
wondering what you were
doing with a Bible in your hand.
914
00:54:10,847 --> 00:54:13,372
Mm-hmm, and she said
with all requisite sarcasm...
915
00:54:13,450 --> 00:54:16,476
"Are Jehovah's Witnesses
916
00:54:16,553 --> 00:54:20,284
and other religious types
917
00:54:20,357 --> 00:54:22,120
allowed to flirt with co-eds?"
918
00:54:22,192 --> 00:54:24,160
I said, "No, Jehovah's Witnesses
are not required
919
00:54:24,227 --> 00:54:26,559
by law to flirt
with co-eds, however...
920
00:54:26,630 --> 00:54:29,326
- (clears throat) Lutherans are."
- (snickers)
921
00:54:29,399 --> 00:54:31,765
And I explained...
922
00:54:31,835 --> 00:54:34,702
Yes, with a great deal
of condescension, I might add.
923
00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:36,466
...with a great deal
of condescension
924
00:54:36,539 --> 00:54:39,201
that if she had any doubts
about this fact,
925
00:54:39,276 --> 00:54:42,677
that she might want to present herself
at the divinity school kegger
926
00:54:42,746 --> 00:54:45,874
on Friday night at midnight
because the Theology department
927
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:49,316
at Harvard is, bar none,
party central on campus.
928
00:54:49,386 --> 00:54:51,820
- That was our first date.
- It was our first date.
929
00:54:51,888 --> 00:54:55,688
And you didn't think the beer
was good enough for me
930
00:54:55,759 --> 00:54:58,523
- so you brought, um...
- Come.
931
00:54:58,595 --> 00:55:02,156
- Um, you brought me...
- Both: A box of wine.
932
00:55:02,232 --> 00:55:05,759
- A box of wine.
- Wine that comes from a box.
933
00:55:05,835 --> 00:55:08,599
- Mr. Romance.
- Johnny Romance.
934
00:55:10,507 --> 00:55:12,475
And I asked you
935
00:55:12,542 --> 00:55:15,636
what could
a psychiatrist and a pastor
936
00:55:15,712 --> 00:55:18,306
- ever have in common and...
- I said, "Faith."
937
00:55:18,381 --> 00:55:20,144
...and you said faith.
- Faith.
938
00:55:20,216 --> 00:55:24,710
That the two of us, more than any other
people, could actually help people.
939
00:55:24,788 --> 00:55:27,916
That's right. (clears throat)
And I do love you,
940
00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:30,516
but I don't believe in Freud.
941
00:55:30,593 --> 00:55:32,959
That's okay.
I don't believe in God.
942
00:55:33,029 --> 00:55:36,192
That's okay. He believes in you.
He believes in this family.
943
00:55:36,266 --> 00:55:39,133
That makes three of us.
944
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:44,166
Oh.
945
00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:46,105
Hmm.
946
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:49,043
Is that a carrot in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
947
00:55:49,112 --> 00:55:51,637
As a matter of fact...
948
00:55:51,715 --> 00:55:52,977
(laughing)
Oh my God.
949
00:55:53,049 --> 00:55:55,517
...it is a carrot.
950
00:55:55,585 --> 00:55:57,951
That came from
the strangest place.
951
00:56:00,056 --> 00:56:03,184
- Would you like a bite of my carrot?
- You know I would.
952
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:07,796
- See?
- Why, I oughta...
953
00:56:10,066 --> 00:56:12,091
Junior filmmaker bunny.
954
00:56:12,168 --> 00:56:15,035
Mr. Bunny, Mr. Filmmaker.
955
00:56:15,105 --> 00:56:19,041
Jack, Emily! Come on down,
it's time to hunt for Easter eggs!
956
00:56:19,109 --> 00:56:21,634
- (TV static crackling)
- Clare: That's the TV.
957
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:23,201
It's so frickin' loud.
958
00:56:23,279 --> 00:56:25,406
- (sighs)
- "Frickin"'?
959
00:56:25,482 --> 00:56:28,508
Yeah, I said frickin', sorry.
960
00:56:28,585 --> 00:56:30,519
Jack, Emily!
961
00:56:30,587 --> 00:56:32,714
(stomping up stairs)
962
00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:36,988
(static grows louder)
963
00:56:38,628 --> 00:56:41,529
David:
Hey, the TV.
964
00:56:41,598 --> 00:56:43,691
It's so loud...
965
00:56:55,745 --> 00:56:57,542
- Hey, what's up?
- They're not here.
966
00:56:57,614 --> 00:57:00,139
- They're not here? What do you mean?
- David: I don't know.
967
00:57:00,216 --> 00:57:01,979
Jack?
968
00:57:03,720 --> 00:57:05,847
Emily?
969
00:57:05,922 --> 00:57:07,947
- (birds chirp)
- (David panting)
970
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:12,424
(siren wails in distance)
971
00:57:21,704 --> 00:57:23,638
- (thuds)
- (David grunts)
972
00:57:23,706 --> 00:57:26,675
(leaves crunch)
973
00:57:28,611 --> 00:57:30,579
(microphone crackling)
974
00:57:34,150 --> 00:57:36,516
(David retching)
975
00:57:38,154 --> 00:57:40,622
(coughs)
976
00:57:40,690 --> 00:57:43,682
(groaning)
977
00:57:51,401 --> 00:57:53,562
(David's footsteps rustling)
978
00:58:10,220 --> 00:58:12,780
(door creaks)
979
00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:17,819
(whispers)
Oh, what's reeking?
980
00:58:18,895 --> 00:58:20,556
Oh, Jack.
981
00:58:20,630 --> 00:58:22,598
(flies buzzing)
982
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:23,996
No.
983
00:58:25,268 --> 00:58:27,463
No.
984
00:58:27,537 --> 00:58:30,370
Oh God.
985
00:58:32,809 --> 00:58:35,175
- (David gasping)
- (Christian screaming)
986
00:58:48,725 --> 00:58:51,250
(David sniffles)
987
00:58:51,327 --> 00:58:55,491
Because it's Easter Sunday
and our children are minors...
988
00:58:55,565 --> 00:58:58,261
(cracks knuckle)
989
00:58:58,334 --> 00:59:00,928
DCFS, against our better wishes,
990
00:59:01,004 --> 00:59:04,804
has given us custody
of our children
991
00:59:04,874 --> 00:59:08,366
until the court
arraignment tomorrow.
992
00:59:14,584 --> 00:59:17,712
Tonight will be
their last night in this house.
993
00:59:22,692 --> 00:59:26,128
Tomorrow they will be
charged as minors...
994
00:59:27,697 --> 00:59:30,495
with, uh, one count of
995
00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:35,368
unlawful restraint,
one count attempted murder
996
00:59:35,438 --> 00:59:39,568
with a provision III clause
of juvenile detention
997
00:59:39,642 --> 00:59:42,270
until the age of 18.
998
00:59:46,816 --> 00:59:50,013
Tomorrow morning,
Jack and Emily are...
999
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,418
(sniffles)
1000
00:59:52,488 --> 00:59:54,854
Gonna go away.
1001
01:00:00,463 --> 01:00:03,193
Like Abraham
1002
01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:06,360
sacrificed Isaac,
1003
01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:10,372
so we must sacrifice
our children.
1004
01:00:17,513 --> 01:00:19,913
(sobbing)
1005
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,552
But even still...
1006
01:00:31,060 --> 01:00:33,426
I love my children.
1007
01:00:38,001 --> 01:00:40,799
How can I not love my son
1008
01:00:40,870 --> 01:00:43,668
and my baby girl?
1009
01:00:45,842 --> 01:00:47,571
Come on. Come on.
1010
01:00:47,644 --> 01:00:50,579
- Honey.
- (sniffles)
1011
01:00:50,647 --> 01:00:54,344
- What?
- We can stop.
1012
01:00:56,519 --> 01:00:59,784
No.
1013
01:00:59,856 --> 01:01:02,689
- Come on, let's finish.
- No no no.
1014
01:01:02,759 --> 01:01:06,024
We're not gonna show this...
1015
01:01:06,095 --> 01:01:08,893
to anyone,
1016
01:01:08,965 --> 01:01:11,627
so we're not
talking to anyone.
1017
01:01:11,701 --> 01:01:13,692
We are talking
to ourselves.
1018
01:01:13,770 --> 01:01:16,295
Understand that?
We're talking to ourselves.
1019
01:01:16,372 --> 01:01:20,570
(crying)
I'm sorry.
1020
01:01:32,488 --> 01:01:34,922
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
1021
01:01:38,294 --> 01:01:40,159
(tape rewinding)
1022
01:01:41,497 --> 01:01:44,022
- I'm sorry.
- (rewinding continues)
1023
01:01:45,101 --> 01:01:46,398
I'm sorry.
1024
01:01:49,238 --> 01:01:51,832
DCFS, against our better wishes,
1025
01:01:51,908 --> 01:01:55,674
has given us custody
of our children
1026
01:01:55,745 --> 01:01:59,146
until the court
arraignment tomorrow.
1027
01:02:00,850 --> 01:02:03,717
Hi, and welcome to
"The Jack and Emily Show."
1028
01:02:03,786 --> 01:02:05,981
I'm Jack.
1029
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:08,285
I'm Emily.
1030
01:02:09,792 --> 01:02:12,158
Let's have some fun.
1031
01:02:14,831 --> 01:02:18,426
You're quiet in there.
I can't even hear you,
1032
01:02:18,501 --> 01:02:21,368
but I know you're there.
1033
01:02:23,339 --> 01:02:25,432
Let's have
a staring contest.
1034
01:02:25,508 --> 01:02:28,807
I dare you to stare
until our movie's done.
1035
01:02:30,012 --> 01:02:32,810
I bet you
you can't.
1036
01:02:32,882 --> 01:02:35,442
(static hisses)
1037
01:04:01,871 --> 01:04:04,738
(lock clicks)
1038
01:04:16,252 --> 01:04:18,686
(Clare moans, coughs)
1039
01:04:18,754 --> 01:04:20,745
- David: Jack!
- (Clare muffled) Please stop!
1040
01:04:20,823 --> 01:04:22,723
- (David grunts)
- Clare: Stop! Oh my God!
1041
01:04:22,792 --> 01:04:26,819
Stop it!
Oh, God, please!
1042
01:04:26,896 --> 01:04:30,491
Jack, stop!
Jack, what are you doing?
1043
01:04:30,566 --> 01:04:33,399
Stop it! Stop!
(sobbing)
1044
01:04:33,469 --> 01:04:35,300
- Please!
- (David groans)
1045
01:04:37,506 --> 01:04:39,701
(grunting)
1046
01:05:37,733 --> 01:05:39,598
And action.
1047
01:05:44,273 --> 01:05:45,900
(David spits)
1048
01:05:51,914 --> 01:05:53,905
(both grunting)
1049
01:05:59,288 --> 01:06:01,153
(Clare shouts, thuds)
1050
01:06:02,258 --> 01:06:04,920
- (panting)
- Untie me, untie me.
1051
01:06:04,994 --> 01:06:07,462
- I'm gonna call the police!
- Untie me.
1052
01:06:07,530 --> 01:06:10,328
Untie me!
1053
01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:17,800
They cut... they cut
the phone lines. (panting)
1054
01:06:17,873 --> 01:06:20,398
(whispers)
Take the baseball bat.
1055
01:06:20,476 --> 01:06:23,138
- Get the fucking bat.
- What?
1056
01:06:23,212 --> 01:06:25,373
- Get the bat, Clare.
- Where?
1057
01:06:25,448 --> 01:06:27,973
It's upstairs in Jack's room.
1058
01:06:28,050 --> 01:06:30,109
I can't go up there.
It's dark up there.
1059
01:06:30,186 --> 01:06:33,087
Take the camera.
There's a light on the camera.
1060
01:06:33,155 --> 01:06:35,316
- (whimpers)
- There's a switch on the side.
1061
01:06:37,626 --> 01:06:39,856
- Get the fucking bat.
- (Clare crying)
1062
01:06:39,929 --> 01:06:42,124
Where's the...
where's the light?
1063
01:06:42,198 --> 01:06:43,825
- David: It's on the side!
- How do you turn on the light?
1064
01:06:43,899 --> 01:06:45,867
By the handle on the side!
1065
01:06:47,703 --> 01:06:49,432
(footsteps on stairs)
1066
01:06:51,474 --> 01:06:54,136
- (Clare screams)
- (knife thunks)
1067
01:06:54,210 --> 01:06:56,474
David: Clare!
1068
01:06:59,448 --> 01:07:01,473
(Clare moans)
1069
01:07:01,550 --> 01:07:03,177
David: Clare!
1070
01:07:03,252 --> 01:07:05,948
(Clare panting softly)
1071
01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:09,048
David: Clare! Clare!
1072
01:07:11,894 --> 01:07:14,419
(Clare whimpering)
1073
01:07:14,497 --> 01:07:16,488
(David's chair clatters)
1074
01:07:19,168 --> 01:07:21,636
David:
Go! Go!
1075
01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:24,502
Jack! Emily!
1076
01:07:24,573 --> 01:07:28,031
Stop this shit right now!
1077
01:07:28,110 --> 01:07:31,170
(whispers)
You listen to your father.
1078
01:07:31,247 --> 01:07:33,943
Untie me.
1079
01:07:35,484 --> 01:07:37,418
(yells)
Un-fucking-tie me!
1080
01:07:37,486 --> 01:07:40,421
Clare:
Jack! Emily!
1081
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:06,113
(Clare whispers)
Jack.
1082
01:08:11,353 --> 01:08:14,288
(switch clicks)
1083
01:08:19,128 --> 01:08:22,564
Clare: All right, guys, I can see you
so you don't move, okay?
1084
01:08:22,631 --> 01:08:26,965
If you move, I will break every bone
in your fucking body, do you understand?
1085
01:08:29,538 --> 01:08:31,836
David?
1086
01:08:31,907 --> 01:08:34,774
David!
1087
01:08:34,844 --> 01:08:37,608
- (David clatters) Yeah.
- Clare: Do you have everything?
1088
01:08:37,680 --> 01:08:40,945
- Just one more bag.
- Clare: Okay.
1089
01:08:43,552 --> 01:08:45,816
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
1090
01:08:45,888 --> 01:08:47,981
Clare:
Are you sure?
1091
01:08:49,558 --> 01:08:51,890
- Honey, are you sure you're okay?
- I just have a headache.
1092
01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:54,293
- That's awfully bright.
- Clare: Sorry sorry.
1093
01:08:54,363 --> 01:08:56,228
(David going upstairs)
1094
01:08:57,700 --> 01:09:00,760
Clare:
All right, you guys. This is it.
1095
01:09:00,836 --> 01:09:04,465
You are leaving this house.
1096
01:09:04,540 --> 01:09:06,565
You are not our children.
1097
01:09:09,512 --> 01:09:12,743
- I don't know what you are.
- (David clatters, thuds)
1098
01:09:12,815 --> 01:09:15,682
Clare:
You stay right there. David?
1099
01:09:15,751 --> 01:09:18,379
(clattering)
1100
01:09:18,454 --> 01:09:22,151
David?
(stomping)
1101
01:09:22,224 --> 01:09:24,692
Oh my God. David?
1102
01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:28,491
- Honey? Honey?
- (smoke detector beeping)
1103
01:09:28,564 --> 01:09:30,828
Oh my God. David?
1104
01:09:30,900 --> 01:09:34,666
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
1105
01:09:34,737 --> 01:09:38,104
Oh my God! Oh my God!
1106
01:09:41,810 --> 01:09:44,074
What did you do?
(panting)
1107
01:09:44,146 --> 01:09:46,580
- (beeping continues)
- (Clare whimpers)
1108
01:09:49,585 --> 01:09:52,315
Oh my God.
(panting)
1109
01:09:52,388 --> 01:09:54,982
Oh my God,
did they drug us?
1110
01:09:56,358 --> 01:09:59,350
Oh my God.
You fucking drugged us!
1111
01:09:59,428 --> 01:10:01,988
(containers clatter)
1112
01:10:02,064 --> 01:10:04,191
(whimpering and panting)
1113
01:10:04,266 --> 01:10:06,496
(beeping continues)
1114
01:10:12,708 --> 01:10:14,608
(grunting)
1115
01:10:19,715 --> 01:10:21,808
(glass shatters)
1116
01:10:30,426 --> 01:10:32,451
(panting
and whimpering loudly)
1117
01:10:37,833 --> 01:10:40,358
(beeping continues)
1118
01:10:51,614 --> 01:10:54,549
(beeping continues
in distance)
1119
01:10:54,617 --> 01:10:57,313
(grass crunches)
1120
01:11:07,663 --> 01:11:10,257
No! (panting)
1121
01:11:11,900 --> 01:11:14,801
Get back!
Get the fuck...!
1122
01:11:19,241 --> 01:11:20,902
(moaning)
1123
01:11:20,976 --> 01:11:23,774
(yells)
1124
01:11:23,846 --> 01:11:26,872
(slurred)
Get back!
1125
01:11:28,050 --> 01:11:29,347
- (thuds)
- (Clare screams)
1126
01:11:32,021 --> 01:11:34,012
(footsteps crunching)
1127
01:11:34,089 --> 01:11:37,058
(Clare moaning)
1128
01:11:53,409 --> 01:11:56,401
(ice-cream truck
music playing)
1129
01:12:01,450 --> 01:12:03,577
(weakly)
Help!
1130
01:12:12,061 --> 01:12:14,461
(panting)
1131
01:12:14,530 --> 01:12:17,499
Help! Help!
1132
01:12:18,567 --> 01:12:21,331
(music continues)
1133
01:12:34,083 --> 01:12:35,914
(music fading)
1134
01:12:56,638 --> 01:12:59,971
(Emily humming)
1135
01:13:18,627 --> 01:13:19,719
(tape rewinds)
1136
01:13:29,905 --> 01:13:31,896
- (children laugh)
- (static buzzing)
1137
01:13:35,711 --> 01:13:38,111
(ice-cream truck
music playing)
1138
01:14:48,784 --> 01:14:51,252
(music fades)
1139
01:15:00,062 --> 01:15:02,758
(faint clacking)
1140
01:15:10,739 --> 01:15:13,367
(clacking getting louder)
1141
01:16:09,598 --> 01:16:12,362
(Emily humming)
1142
01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:36,387
(humming stops)
83595
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