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1
00:00:11,664 --> 00:00:13,828
- What?
- No. Nothing.
2
00:00:13,907 --> 00:00:15,952
Flies like a dream.
3
00:00:17,904 --> 00:00:18,981
Well,
4
00:00:19,058 --> 00:00:21,426
she did before you crashed her
into a goddamn street
5
00:00:21,503 --> 00:00:23,848
anybody with the sense
God gave a goddamn duck
6
00:00:23,925 --> 00:00:25,960
could tell was nowhere
near wide enough.
7
00:00:26,037 --> 00:00:27,403
Ugh, ducks.
8
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,211
Don't start
your racist bullshit.
9
00:00:29,288 --> 00:00:31,247
- You know I'm right.
- And I'm in no mood.
10
00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:32,619
In some kind of mood.
11
00:00:32,696 --> 00:00:34,387
Yeah, you want to guess why?
12
00:00:34,464 --> 00:00:36,803
- Sterling?
- Like in general, or...
13
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,043
- Bird.
- Sterling!
14
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,600
What?! Sorry.
15
00:00:39,677 --> 00:00:41,020
What can I do for you?
16
00:00:41,097 --> 00:00:44,145
Well, you can start by watching
that tone, mister.
17
00:00:44,222 --> 00:00:47,434
And then, you can tell me
why I'm looking at the package
18
00:00:47,511 --> 00:00:50,023
you were supposed to fly
to Tahiti today.
19
00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:51,666
Oh, did I not do that?
20
00:00:51,743 --> 00:00:57,061
Do I need to remind you just who
exactly owns that flying crate?
21
00:00:57,138 --> 00:01:00,022
- Uh, aaah!
- So wherever you idiots are,
22
00:01:00,099 --> 00:01:02,004
and whatever idiocy
you're up to...
23
00:01:02,081 --> 00:01:03,565
I don't think idiots
24
00:01:03,642 --> 00:01:05,825
know how to find
a million dollar treasure.
25
00:01:05,902 --> 00:01:07,027
A what?
26
00:01:07,146 --> 00:01:08,809
What'd she say,
what treasure?
27
00:01:08,886 --> 00:01:10,432
What are you two up to?
28
00:01:10,509 --> 00:01:11,631
Sterling?
29
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:14,106
Because you're both
company employees
30
00:01:14,183 --> 00:01:18,020
using company resources on
company time, and so, legally,
31
00:01:18,097 --> 00:01:21,210
anything of value,
be it monetary or otherwise,
32
00:01:21,287 --> 00:01:23,950
that you may happen to make,
find, stumble upon,
33
00:01:24,027 --> 00:01:25,898
or otherwise obt...
34
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:27,592
Ugh, ahem!
35
00:01:27,669 --> 00:01:30,176
I, uh, probably shouldn't
have said anything, huh?
36
00:01:30,253 --> 00:01:32,210
Yeah, but was that necessary?
37
00:01:32,287 --> 00:01:33,707
No, Crackers, it wasn't.
38
00:01:33,784 --> 00:01:36,280
In fact,
it was wildly unnecessary.
39
00:01:36,357 --> 00:01:39,432
Like radish roses,
or Pam running her fat mouth.
40
00:01:39,509 --> 00:01:41,587
- I like radish roses.
- Right?
41
00:01:41,664 --> 00:01:43,153
- Typical.
- Of what?
42
00:01:43,230 --> 00:01:44,514
Of assholes.
43
00:01:44,591 --> 00:01:45,889
Now get out your shitty map
44
00:01:45,966 --> 00:01:47,358
and get us to that
goddamn idol
45
00:01:47,435 --> 00:01:49,393
so I can lie to my mother
about finding it,
46
00:01:49,470 --> 00:01:52,974
and begin living a life of
luxury where she can't find me.
47
00:01:53,051 --> 00:01:54,276
Okay. God.
48
00:01:54,422 --> 00:01:55,790
And it's not a shitty map.
49
00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:57,244
It'll take us right to the idol.
50
00:01:57,321 --> 00:01:59,525
Just set old Lucy down
in Dead Man's Cove.
51
00:01:59,602 --> 00:02:00,567
Seriously?
52
00:02:00,644 --> 00:02:04,304
What, did somebody have dibs
on Foreshadowing Lagoon?
53
00:02:04,446 --> 00:02:08,202
Hmm. It doesn't say.
54
00:02:40,179 --> 00:02:42,290
*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 09 Episode 05
55
00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:44,431
Episode Title :
"Danger Island: Strange Doings
in the Taboo Groves"
56
00:02:46,029 --> 00:02:47,434
I just want to reiterate
57
00:02:47,511 --> 00:02:50,856
that I think it was a pretty
bad idea to shoot the radio.
58
00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:52,959
Jesus,
talk about foreshadowing.
59
00:02:53,036 --> 00:02:55,186
Yeah, or don't.
In fact, how about you two
60
00:02:55,263 --> 00:02:56,381
don't talk about any...
61
00:02:56,458 --> 00:02:58,592
What the hell was that?
62
00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:00,620
Maybe howler monkeys?
63
00:03:02,785 --> 00:03:04,668
Hopefully howler monkeys?
64
00:03:04,745 --> 00:03:07,217
Yeah, except howler monkeys
only live
65
00:03:07,294 --> 00:03:08,838
in Central and South America.
66
00:03:08,915 --> 00:03:11,004
Not only.
Monkeys live everywhere.
67
00:03:11,081 --> 00:03:12,200
- No, they...
- Shut up. One time,
68
00:03:12,277 --> 00:03:13,621
I saw a monkey
in a bar,
69
00:03:13,698 --> 00:03:15,178
in Paris, France, Europe.
70
00:03:15,255 --> 00:03:17,348
- Wha...?
- Dressed as a teeny tiny waiter.
71
00:03:17,425 --> 00:03:20,085
Well, then I obviously
stand corrected.
72
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,614
Yeah. Like an idiot.
73
00:03:22,691 --> 00:03:23,747
I'm sorry?
74
00:03:23,858 --> 00:03:25,192
Hello. Breakfast?
75
00:03:25,269 --> 00:03:26,645
Oh, do tell.
76
00:03:26,722 --> 00:03:28,967
I will have a crispy
golden Belgian waffle,
77
00:03:29,044 --> 00:03:31,020
drizzled with melted
Belgian chocolate,
78
00:03:31,097 --> 00:03:33,775
with a side of Belgian endive.
79
00:03:33,896 --> 00:03:35,874
And I feel like I'd feel
a lot better
80
00:03:35,951 --> 00:03:37,739
if you were maybe
writing this down.
81
00:03:37,816 --> 00:03:39,537
No need, that's just
82
00:03:39,614 --> 00:03:41,553
- The King Leopold.
- Really?
83
00:03:41,630 --> 00:03:43,577
That's, like, a dish you have?
84
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,797
Oh, sarcasm.
85
00:03:46,874 --> 00:03:48,890
Well, then
I'll just have champagne.
86
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:49,967
Fresh out.
87
00:03:50,044 --> 00:03:51,413
Can you check again?
88
00:03:51,490 --> 00:03:53,496
Or, I could have
the Germans rip up
89
00:03:53,573 --> 00:03:56,049
the walls and floors
helping you look?
90
00:03:56,365 --> 00:03:57,922
What kind?
91
00:03:57,999 --> 00:04:02,073
Mm... most expensive.
92
00:04:02,263 --> 00:04:06,395
Speaking of which, has Sterling
mentioned anything to you
93
00:04:06,472 --> 00:04:10,150
about coming
into some money, or, say...
94
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,535
treasure?
95
00:04:11,612 --> 00:04:14,715
Oh, you mean since the night he
defiled my young, supple body,
96
00:04:14,792 --> 00:04:18,281
destroyed my marriage, and
sentenced me to a life of shame?
97
00:04:18,599 --> 00:04:19,725
Or whenever.
98
00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:22,121
And why the hell
are youin here?
99
00:04:22,198 --> 00:04:23,465
Uh, breakfast?
100
00:04:23,542 --> 00:04:25,647
Not in here.
You're 86'D.
101
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,054
But I'm very hungry,
102
00:04:27,131 --> 00:04:30,364
and for some verdammtreason,
Luigi is not open.
103
00:04:30,722 --> 00:04:34,403
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
104
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,807
I also overheard you mention
something about hidden treasure?
105
00:04:38,884 --> 00:04:41,309
- Nope.
- And also, I could not help
106
00:04:41,386 --> 00:04:43,973
but notice you have there
a map of the island?
107
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:45,989
- Nope.
- And so, naturally, I wonder
108
00:04:46,066 --> 00:04:47,731
if you think
there is some treasure
109
00:04:47,808 --> 00:04:49,182
hidden somewhere on the island.
110
00:04:49,259 --> 00:04:51,670
Like in the book
by Robert Louis Stevenson?
111
00:04:51,747 --> 00:04:53,317
Weir of Hermiston?
112
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,403
Wha...? Nein,
Treasure Island.
113
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,432
I don't know
all his goddamn books!
114
00:04:57,509 --> 00:04:59,590
- Move!
- But what I know
115
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:02,793
is that unless you want Manu
to scramble youreggs...
116
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,877
Yeah, I would love
some scrambled...
117
00:05:04,954 --> 00:05:06,114
Oh, I see.
118
00:05:06,191 --> 00:05:07,685
You mean my testicles.
119
00:05:07,894 --> 00:05:10,739
Schreckliche Stadt
zum Fruhstuck.
120
00:05:11,392 --> 00:05:14,277
Well? Which way,
"insert obscure reference
121
00:05:14,354 --> 00:05:15,752
to a famous cartographer"?
122
00:05:15,829 --> 00:05:17,322
Ooh, Hendrik Hondius?
123
00:05:17,399 --> 00:05:18,371
Sure. Pam?
124
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:19,533
I don't know who that is.
125
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,758
No. Which way?
126
00:05:20,835 --> 00:05:23,781
Okay, so...
okay, so, the thing is...
127
00:05:23,858 --> 00:05:24,929
Give me that.
128
00:05:25,006 --> 00:05:26,156
Oh, my God.
129
00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:28,367
- Is that shit?
- What?
130
00:05:28,444 --> 00:05:30,650
- Ew!
- No, dumbass.
131
00:05:30,727 --> 00:05:31,799
It's barbecue sauce.
132
00:05:31,876 --> 00:05:33,750
- Wha...?
- Kansas City or Carolina?
133
00:05:33,827 --> 00:05:35,205
What am I, an asshole?
134
00:05:35,282 --> 00:05:36,939
Already established, and so,
135
00:05:37,016 --> 00:05:38,593
what was already
the world's worst map
136
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:40,648
you somehow made
even worse by...
137
00:05:40,725 --> 00:05:42,385
Wait, where'd you get barbecue?
138
00:05:42,462 --> 00:05:43,978
- What?
- I haven't had barbecue
139
00:05:44,055 --> 00:05:45,883
since we left Spain,
where the hell did you get it?
140
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,351
- Oh. Uh...
- Pam.
141
00:05:47,428 --> 00:05:49,298
- Look, it's not...
- Oh, my God.
142
00:05:49,375 --> 00:05:50,523
- Did you...
- Oh, no.
143
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,617
Eat a person?
144
00:05:51,694 --> 00:05:53,346
- What? No!
- Ew!
145
00:05:53,423 --> 00:05:56,041
- Then, where'd you get barbecue?
- I didn't.
146
00:05:56,118 --> 00:05:57,822
Then why'd you have
barbecue sauce?
147
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,651
I don't... I mean,
I've been drinking it.
148
00:05:59,728 --> 00:06:01,198
- What?
- Oh, for the...
149
00:06:01,275 --> 00:06:03,221
As an aperitif.
Happy?
150
00:06:03,298 --> 00:06:05,222
Happy you drink
barbecue sauce?
151
00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:06,674
It's basically V8.
152
00:06:06,751 --> 00:06:08,687
It's brown sugar and ketchup.
153
00:06:08,764 --> 00:06:10,888
Goddamn it,
which way, Pam?
154
00:06:10,965 --> 00:06:11,963
That way.
155
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,360
You're sure?
156
00:06:14,016 --> 00:06:15,540
Positive.
157
00:06:15,657 --> 00:06:17,221
Well, you totally sold that.
158
00:06:17,298 --> 00:06:19,031
I'm gonna miss
that dopey confidence
159
00:06:19,108 --> 00:06:20,744
once we find this damn idol...
160
00:06:20,821 --> 00:06:22,068
- What the...?
- Archer?
161
00:06:22,145 --> 00:06:25,706
Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh!
162
00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:27,360
Oh...
163
00:06:28,578 --> 00:06:29,604
Archer?
164
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:30,677
Be careful.
165
00:06:30,754 --> 00:06:31,804
Thanks, dummy.
166
00:06:31,881 --> 00:06:33,666
- Eh.
- Oh, shit.
167
00:06:33,743 --> 00:06:36,034
It's a big, steep-ass ravine.
168
00:06:36,212 --> 00:06:38,338
Okay, I'm gonna
have to rappel down.
169
00:06:38,415 --> 00:06:39,679
Should I come with you?
170
00:06:39,756 --> 00:06:42,221
Yeah. Or your dumb ass
could fly.
171
00:06:42,298 --> 00:06:43,563
Oh, right.
172
00:06:51,469 --> 00:06:53,326
Come on, you got it,
just hurry up.
173
00:06:53,403 --> 00:06:54,361
Why, is he hurt?
174
00:06:54,438 --> 00:06:55,797
- No, but...
- Shut up.
175
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,745
Archer? You okay?
176
00:06:57,822 --> 00:07:00,135
Uh, yeah, currently.
177
00:07:01,929 --> 00:07:03,525
What do you mean, "currently"?
178
00:07:04,243 --> 00:07:06,627
Holy shitsnacks.
179
00:07:06,704 --> 00:07:08,898
- Yeah.
- Quicksand!
180
00:07:08,975 --> 00:07:10,204
Yeah.
181
00:07:10,362 --> 00:07:13,120
And that's still going on.
182
00:07:14,742 --> 00:07:17,049
Which... so great.
183
00:07:18,626 --> 00:07:21,468
You cannot be serious. Archer?
184
00:07:21,545 --> 00:07:23,291
Is out there
looking for the idol?
185
00:07:23,368 --> 00:07:24,695
How does he even know
where to look?
186
00:07:24,772 --> 00:07:26,843
Well, I have no way
to know this, but, uh...
187
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,167
But meanwhile,
188
00:07:28,244 --> 00:07:30,304
instead of searching
the jungle for the idol,
189
00:07:30,381 --> 00:07:32,148
your men are getting drunk
every night
190
00:07:32,225 --> 00:07:34,685
and shtupping
the crazy coconut lady.
191
00:07:34,762 --> 00:07:37,318
Yeah, they are
really mondsuchtig.
192
00:07:37,395 --> 00:07:38,400
"Moonstruck"?
193
00:07:38,477 --> 00:07:39,953
- Moonstruck.
- Besotted.
194
00:07:40,030 --> 00:07:41,920
I know what it means.
195
00:07:41,997 --> 00:07:44,080
But I can't help wonder
if Japanese soldiers
196
00:07:44,157 --> 00:07:45,904
wouldn't be
much more disciplined.
197
00:07:45,981 --> 00:07:47,617
All right. I get your point.
198
00:07:47,694 --> 00:07:49,110
I will find it.
199
00:07:49,187 --> 00:07:51,569
Now, how about
a little fruhstuck,
200
00:07:51,646 --> 00:07:52,843
my little passion fruit?
201
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,049
Not until you pay me
for the idol.
202
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,117
Oh, but that makes
our relationship
203
00:07:57,194 --> 00:07:58,961
sound so transactional.
204
00:07:59,038 --> 00:08:00,679
It istransactional.
205
00:08:00,756 --> 00:08:02,951
Hoh! I know,
but it hurts to hear it.
206
00:08:03,028 --> 00:08:07,003
No idol, no money,
no fruit.
207
00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:11,673
Deine Freizeit.
208
00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:13,206
Ist kaputt!
209
00:08:13,283 --> 00:08:16,157
Erste Sache,
nicht mehr mit deiser
210
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,979
verruckten Kokosnussfrau
shtuppen!
211
00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:20,568
Was willst du?
212
00:08:20,651 --> 00:08:23,627
Uh, we were wondering
if, perhaps, as a group,
213
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:24,945
we could speak English?
214
00:08:25,022 --> 00:08:26,505
- Yeah, English.
- Warum?
215
00:08:26,582 --> 00:08:29,978
Well, as you call her,
this "crazy coconut lady,"
216
00:08:30,055 --> 00:08:33,281
does not speak German, so we
would like to practice English.
217
00:08:33,358 --> 00:08:34,709
Yeah. -Why not?
218
00:08:34,786 --> 00:08:36,085
Why, do you think this woman
219
00:08:36,162 --> 00:08:38,549
would ever marry
one of you dummkopfen?
220
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,263
I mean...
221
00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:41,968
Fine. English, then.
222
00:08:42,045 --> 00:08:43,843
We march today into the jungle,
223
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,906
where we will search for
and find,
224
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:49,797
something vital to the future
of our great fatherland.
225
00:08:49,923 --> 00:08:53,644
But the jungle is very
dangerous, full of lizards
226
00:08:53,721 --> 00:08:56,473
and snakes and cannibals
and what else, Gott wei?
227
00:08:56,550 --> 00:08:58,213
Can we shoot
the lizards and snakes?
228
00:08:58,290 --> 00:08:59,502
Yes, of course.
229
00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:00,906
Can we shoot the cannibals?
230
00:09:00,983 --> 00:09:03,486
You can shoot anything
you want!
231
00:09:03,563 --> 00:09:05,792
Now are there
any other questions?
232
00:09:06,329 --> 00:09:08,846
That are not
about shooting things?
233
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:10,764
Then, let's go.
234
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:13,185
The American pilots may
have a head start on us.
235
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,838
They also may be smarter
than they look.
236
00:09:16,116 --> 00:09:18,049
Because get the hell
off me, bird!
237
00:09:18,126 --> 00:09:19,765
But I'm hugging you,
with my talons.
238
00:09:19,842 --> 00:09:21,525
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm here for you.
239
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,535
Well, "be here" somewhere else.
240
00:09:23,612 --> 00:09:25,934
Yeesh. With friends like you.
241
00:09:26,011 --> 00:09:28,184
Case in point,
what'd you mean when you said
242
00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:29,898
you were gonna miss me
once we found the idol?
243
00:09:29,975 --> 00:09:31,893
I... can we talk
about this later?
244
00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:33,815
No. Why'd you say
you'd miss me?
245
00:09:33,892 --> 00:09:35,356
I... look, you're gonna miss me
246
00:09:35,433 --> 00:09:37,315
if I drown
in this goddamn quicksand.
247
00:09:37,392 --> 00:09:40,713
Yeah, try not to thrash around,
it makes you sink faster.
248
00:09:40,790 --> 00:09:41,906
How would you know?
249
00:09:41,983 --> 00:09:42,963
Cowboy movies.
250
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,859
Can you please
just get me out of here?
251
00:09:44,936 --> 00:09:46,419
And how's this
even supposed to work?
252
00:09:46,496 --> 00:09:48,090
Oh, my God, Elisha Otis,
253
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:50,127
you throw the rope
over that branch up there.
254
00:09:50,204 --> 00:09:52,543
I catch the rope,
I hold onto the rope.
255
00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:54,158
You hold on to your end
of the rope,
256
00:09:54,235 --> 00:09:55,490
and then you pull me to safety.
257
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,692
But wait, I mean,
I can't pull you out
258
00:09:57,769 --> 00:09:59,388
if you weigh more than I do.
259
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,340
Heyyyy! Excuse me?
260
00:10:01,417 --> 00:10:03,192
I mean, that's like
science-physics.
261
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,719
You think
I weigh more than you.
262
00:10:04,796 --> 00:10:06,642
Uh, hah, yeaaah.
263
00:10:06,719 --> 00:10:07,825
You're a man.
264
00:10:07,902 --> 00:10:08,964
- Crackers?
- Nope.
265
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:10,283
Bird?
266
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,376
Wait, what?
267
00:10:11,453 --> 00:10:13,169
You think I weigh
more than him?
268
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,322
I mean...
269
00:10:14,399 --> 00:10:15,491
No, not in a...
270
00:10:15,568 --> 00:10:17,441
Come on, you're big-boned.
271
00:10:17,518 --> 00:10:19,823
- And easily six five.
- Now can you please use
272
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:22,195
those big-ass bones to get me
out of this bullshit?
273
00:10:22,314 --> 00:10:24,604
Okay, smart guys,
I'll bet you.
274
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:27,893
50 bucks says Archer's heavier.
275
00:10:27,970 --> 00:10:29,213
Make it a hundred.
276
00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:31,736
- You're on.
- Well, but there's his actual weight,
277
00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:34,135
plus you also have to overcome
the suction power
278
00:10:34,212 --> 00:10:36,846
of the quicksand, and I don't
know if that's expressed
279
00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:38,875
in foot-pounds,
or newton metres, or...
280
00:10:38,952 --> 00:10:40,510
I don't care if it's in ergs.
281
00:10:40,587 --> 00:10:42,901
- It's not.
- She still weighs more than me.
282
00:10:42,978 --> 00:10:44,830
Then, let's make it 200.
283
00:10:44,907 --> 00:10:46,527
Bring it.
284
00:10:46,819 --> 00:10:48,979
The real problem here, though,
isn't which one of you
285
00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:52,527
weighs more, it's your combined
weights in relation to the...
286
00:10:52,604 --> 00:10:54,572
- Whoa!
- Oh, no, no, no. Ow!
287
00:10:54,649 --> 00:10:56,626
Oh! Ooh! W-Whoa.
288
00:10:59,578 --> 00:11:02,032
Yeah, I was gonna say
the branch.
289
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:06,811
I mean, first
Pam mentions treasure
290
00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:10,272
and then that sneaky little
kraut gets all flustered,
291
00:11:10,349 --> 00:11:12,082
like he's heard of the treasure?
292
00:11:12,159 --> 00:11:14,867
What if there's actually
treasure on the island?
293
00:11:15,515 --> 00:11:16,864
Think it is a good story.
294
00:11:16,941 --> 00:11:19,178
I mean, it is no
Weir of Hermiston, but...
295
00:11:19,255 --> 00:11:21,525
Oh, shut up.
What about him?
296
00:11:21,602 --> 00:11:22,787
He's not read it.
297
00:11:22,864 --> 00:11:25,354
No. Ask him about the treasure.
298
00:11:25,525 --> 00:11:28,370
Like if there's a native legend
or something.
299
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,632
- Aaaah!
- He says yes.
300
00:11:35,709 --> 00:11:37,435
Where? Ask him where.
301
00:11:37,512 --> 00:11:39,206
Ou, Doudou, ou?
302
00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:44,034
He says somewhere
in this area here,
303
00:11:44,141 --> 00:11:46,240
close to La Crique
de l'Homme Mort.
304
00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:48,792
It means Dead Man's Cove.
305
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,377
"Dead Man's Cove"?
306
00:11:51,507 --> 00:11:55,810
What, did somebody already
have dibs on Harbinger Harbor?
307
00:11:55,887 --> 00:11:58,655
He say he don't know.
308
00:11:58,732 --> 00:12:00,151
Because why'd you say
you'd miss me
309
00:12:00,228 --> 00:12:02,100
once we found the goddamn idol?
310
00:12:02,177 --> 00:12:03,818
- Oh, my God.
- Well?
311
00:12:03,895 --> 00:12:05,674
I... wait. Crackers.
312
00:12:05,751 --> 00:12:07,691
If I can tie the rope
around this heavy branch,
313
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,168
can you fly it up
into the notch of that tree
314
00:12:10,245 --> 00:12:11,495
and kind of wedge it in there?
315
00:12:11,572 --> 00:12:13,932
I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train?
316
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,703
I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train?
317
00:12:15,780 --> 00:12:19,094
Hey, but what I could do is use
the radio in the plane to...
318
00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,216
wait for it...
319
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,360
- You know...
- I could fly back to town and get help.
320
00:12:24,437 --> 00:12:25,938
- I'm sure your mother would...
- No.
321
00:12:26,015 --> 00:12:28,475
All Mother cares about
is getting her Manu-hooks
322
00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:32,307
into whatever money the idol's
worth thanks to Pam, so no.
323
00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:33,955
Nobody's going anywhere.
324
00:12:34,032 --> 00:12:35,062
Certainly not you two.
325
00:12:35,139 --> 00:12:37,316
Will you shut up
and let me think?
326
00:12:38,663 --> 00:12:40,768
Why'd you say you'd miss me
if you...
327
00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,578
Goddamn it! Because!
328
00:12:42,655 --> 00:12:46,125
Pam! I'm currently up to my ears
in quicksand!
329
00:12:46,202 --> 00:12:48,271
And before that,
I flew here in a plane
330
00:12:48,348 --> 00:12:50,788
made out of literal garbage,
and before that,
331
00:12:50,865 --> 00:12:53,711
my eyeball got shot out
in Spain, and before that,
332
00:12:53,788 --> 00:12:55,954
I went bust on those
goddamn chinchilladas.
333
00:12:56,031 --> 00:12:58,740
And the common denominator
in every bad thing
334
00:12:58,817 --> 00:13:01,205
that's ever happened to me
is you!
335
00:13:01,282 --> 00:13:02,477
And you know why?!
336
00:13:02,554 --> 00:13:06,097
Because the only two kinds of
luck you have are bad and none
337
00:13:06,174 --> 00:13:09,039
because you are a jinx!
338
00:13:09,116 --> 00:13:12,638
And that idol is my ticket
out of Loserville,
339
00:13:12,715 --> 00:13:15,641
population you!
340
00:13:21,623 --> 00:13:22,878
Goddamn, dude.
341
00:13:22,955 --> 00:13:24,349
Shut up, bird!
342
00:13:24,426 --> 00:13:26,117
And as for you...
343
00:13:26,194 --> 00:13:28,909
Hey. Hey, come on.
344
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,356
Knock it off.
I-I-I'm sorry.
345
00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:32,998
I didn't mean that.
I-I just meant...
346
00:13:33,075 --> 00:13:35,263
Ow! What the...?
347
00:13:39,314 --> 00:13:42,103
So great.
348
00:13:46,537 --> 00:13:47,562
Ow.
349
00:13:47,655 --> 00:13:49,537
What the hell
are you doing over there?
350
00:13:49,614 --> 00:13:50,739
Waiting for your pitch?
351
00:13:50,816 --> 00:13:52,365
I'm doing the best I can.
352
00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:54,511
Which I'm sure
isn't good enough for you
353
00:13:54,588 --> 00:13:57,589
because apparently, it never is,
but don't worry.
354
00:13:57,666 --> 00:13:59,961
If we get out of here alive...
355
00:14:00,185 --> 00:14:02,635
you and me are quitsies.
356
00:14:03,311 --> 00:14:05,687
Well, that suits me just fine.
Ow!
357
00:14:05,764 --> 00:14:08,452
Well, it's been not
so nice knowing you.
358
00:14:08,529 --> 00:14:10,490
Guys, come on,
you're talking crazy.
359
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,222
Well, why should I
stick around somebody
360
00:14:12,299 --> 00:14:13,498
who doesn't appreciate me?
361
00:14:13,575 --> 00:14:14,891
No, about getting out
of here alive.
362
00:14:14,968 --> 00:14:16,817
Uh, I've been in tougher
scrapes than... ow!
363
00:14:16,894 --> 00:14:19,478
He's right. We can't do
this forever.
364
00:14:22,676 --> 00:14:25,194
That is very strange.
365
00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:27,646
It sounds like howler monkeys,
366
00:14:27,723 --> 00:14:30,162
but they are not indigenous
to the Pacific.
367
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:34,357
Ow! Yes, damn it,
you can shoot the monkeys!
368
00:14:34,504 --> 00:14:36,826
Then what?
What was your question?
369
00:14:36,903 --> 00:14:40,876
Sorry. I was just going to ask
if we can shoot the monkeys.
370
00:14:40,953 --> 00:14:42,970
- What?!
- He just said that.
371
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:47,255
Ah, I know, but I was going
to ask it before he said that
372
00:14:47,332 --> 00:14:50,189
and then he asked me
what my question was and...
373
00:14:52,521 --> 00:14:54,256
Any other questions?
374
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,581
Well, then what would
you suggest?
375
00:14:56,658 --> 00:14:58,215
That I fly back to town
for help.
376
00:14:58,292 --> 00:15:00,085
- No! - What?
- What do you mean, "no"?
377
00:15:00,162 --> 00:15:02,136
You go back for help,
Mother's gonna find out,
378
00:15:02,213 --> 00:15:05,206
get her nosy beak all up in it
and the next thing you know,
379
00:15:05,283 --> 00:15:07,360
she tricks us out of our
million dollar treasure. -
380
00:15:07,437 --> 00:15:10,027
- What?
- Wait. So, you'd rather just die?
381
00:15:10,104 --> 00:15:12,640
Than to see her spending
my fortune on boy toys
382
00:15:12,717 --> 00:15:14,196
and artisanal gin? Ow!
383
00:15:14,273 --> 00:15:15,649
- Oh, my God.
- Well?
384
00:15:15,726 --> 00:15:16,878
- I'm going for help.
- No!
385
00:15:16,955 --> 00:15:18,269
- Yes!
- No!
386
00:15:18,346 --> 00:15:21,029
- Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
- Goddamn it, Crackers.
387
00:15:21,106 --> 00:15:22,794
And you get the bird,
by the way.
388
00:15:22,871 --> 00:15:25,243
- Who says I want him?
- I can still hear you.
389
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,449
- Shut up, bird! - Shut up, bird!
- Eh.
390
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:28,685
Excuse me?
391
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,370
I said I'm going with you
392
00:15:30,447 --> 00:15:32,391
to look for hidden treasure
or whatever.
393
00:15:32,468 --> 00:15:34,078
Have you lost your mind?
394
00:15:34,155 --> 00:15:38,177
I think maybe I have, yeah,
because if you leave me here,
395
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:40,936
I am gonna burn down
your goddamn hotel!
396
00:15:41,013 --> 00:15:43,009
You can't! Arrest her.
397
00:15:43,086 --> 00:15:45,043
Oh, no. Never again.
398
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,597
I say bring her along.
399
00:15:46,674 --> 00:15:50,131
With any luck, she will be torn
apart and eaten by wild animals.
400
00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:51,866
Mm-mmm!
401
00:15:54,008 --> 00:15:55,209
Aw, shit.
402
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:57,341
Oh, for... way to go, idiot.
403
00:15:57,418 --> 00:15:59,580
How is that my fault? Ow.
404
00:15:59,657 --> 00:16:01,880
How is everything your fault?
Ow!
405
00:16:01,957 --> 00:16:03,672
- Exactly.
- Wait, what?
406
00:16:03,749 --> 00:16:05,687
You're the one who's always
shooting off his...
407
00:16:05,764 --> 00:16:07,274
Hey, wait. Where's your gun?
408
00:16:07,351 --> 00:16:10,286
Why? You need something that's
full of goddamn quicksand?
409
00:16:10,363 --> 00:16:11,731
You can at least show it
to them.
410
00:16:11,808 --> 00:16:13,247
What good would that
possibly do?
411
00:16:13,324 --> 00:16:15,361
I don't know.
It might scare them off.
412
00:16:15,438 --> 00:16:17,790
They don't know what a gun is.
Ow!
413
00:16:17,867 --> 00:16:19,007
You don't know that.
414
00:16:19,084 --> 00:16:21,569
For all you know, they broke out
of some top secret lab.
415
00:16:21,646 --> 00:16:23,216
They might be super intelligent.
416
00:16:23,293 --> 00:16:24,924
Do they look super intelligent?
417
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:26,389
Oh.
418
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,124
Who among us... ow!
419
00:16:29,211 --> 00:16:30,985
Come on. Show them the heater.
420
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:33,483
Uh! But only because
this is the last time
421
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,471
I do one of your stupid ideas.
422
00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:37,383
There. Happy?
423
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,464
What the...?
424
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,917
Holy shit.
425
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:43,833
- They're running away.
- See?
426
00:16:43,910 --> 00:16:45,375
It wasn't because of the gun.
427
00:16:45,452 --> 00:16:47,489
Yeah. I mean,
maybe they were just as sick
428
00:16:47,566 --> 00:16:49,349
of your bullshit as I am.
429
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:51,630
They sound very excited, no?
430
00:16:52,332 --> 00:16:55,365
Must be
with the crazy coconut lady.
431
00:16:56,541 --> 00:16:57,649
Doudou!
432
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,770
Idiot, regards la route!
433
00:16:59,847 --> 00:17:03,274
Oh, my God, and if you see
any oysters, we have to stop.
434
00:17:03,351 --> 00:17:05,123
I am starving.
435
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,269
Wh... where the hell
would we see oysters?!
436
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,231
Wherever.
437
00:17:10,308 --> 00:17:12,580
- Oh, whatever.
- Then tell me.
438
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,840
Tell me one time
us being partners
439
00:17:14,917 --> 00:17:18,723
got us out of a bad situation
instead of deeper in it.
440
00:17:19,009 --> 00:17:20,443
Oh, great.
441
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,032
- Maybe you could float us out.
- I'm sorry.
442
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:26,258
It just hurts to hear your
best friend in the whole world
443
00:17:26,335 --> 00:17:30,001
say it's just been
a big fat waste of time
444
00:17:30,078 --> 00:17:34,397
and he'd be better
off if he never even met you,
445
00:17:34,474 --> 00:17:39,749
even after you gave him
the best years of your life
446
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:45,721
and you got nothing...
nothing to show for it
447
00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:50,309
except for half
an old magical bird!
448
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,880
Magical?
449
00:17:51,986 --> 00:17:54,006
Well, how else
can you explain it?
450
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:56,714
That's not normal bird behavior.
451
00:17:56,791 --> 00:17:57,862
He's a parrot.
452
00:17:57,939 --> 00:17:59,388
- Still, though.
- Well, but,
453
00:17:59,465 --> 00:18:01,337
come on,
the best years of your life?
454
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,413
I mean, it's not like
we were a couple.
455
00:18:03,490 --> 00:18:06,657
No. I was never a couple
with anybody
456
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,387
because I put everything
into us
457
00:18:09,472 --> 00:18:12,196
and I have nothing,
Archer!
458
00:18:12,273 --> 00:18:13,524
Nothing!
459
00:18:13,601 --> 00:18:16,215
Well, Jesus Christ,
what am I supposed to do, Pam?
460
00:18:16,292 --> 00:18:17,570
Ask you to marry me?
461
00:18:17,647 --> 00:18:19,224
Wait, what?
462
00:18:19,301 --> 00:18:20,416
What?
463
00:18:20,493 --> 00:18:22,097
- Are you...?
- Oh, no, no, no.
464
00:18:22,174 --> 00:18:24,899
- No, I...
- Oh-ho! I get it!
465
00:18:24,976 --> 00:18:29,425
You'd have to be some kind
of giant flapping asshole
466
00:18:29,502 --> 00:18:32,950
to ask that big dumb Pam Poovey
to marry you!
467
00:18:33,027 --> 00:18:35,501
- No, come on.
- You're a great gal.
468
00:18:35,578 --> 00:18:37,955
You're smart.
You're funny.
469
00:18:38,032 --> 00:18:39,842
Any guy would be lucky
to have you.
470
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,895
You didn't say pretty.
471
00:18:41,972 --> 00:18:43,595
In your own way you are,
472
00:18:43,672 --> 00:18:46,370
if you'd ever put on some makeup
or a dress.
473
00:18:46,447 --> 00:18:48,050
And I mean, I assume you've got
474
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,772
a pretty colossal set of tits
under there.
475
00:18:49,849 --> 00:18:53,101
They are.
They are goddamn colossal.
476
00:18:53,178 --> 00:18:54,579
And we are best friends.
477
00:18:54,656 --> 00:18:57,394
You're actually the only person
I don't hate to be around.
478
00:18:57,611 --> 00:19:00,723
I guess we do kind of make
a pretty great team.
479
00:19:01,025 --> 00:19:02,283
Wait.
480
00:19:02,572 --> 00:19:05,669
What are you...
what are you saying?
481
00:19:05,746 --> 00:19:08,590
I-I mean... I-I don't know.
482
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,103
If-if I did ask you
to marry me someday,
483
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:14,418
wh-wh-what would you say?
484
00:19:20,988 --> 00:19:22,494
Okay.
485
00:19:23,823 --> 00:19:25,683
Oh, my God.
486
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,170
- You goddamn idiot.
- Okay.
487
00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:30,619
I can't believe
I got you to say that.
488
00:19:30,765 --> 00:19:34,775
That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard in my life.
489
00:19:34,861 --> 00:19:38,086
- I mean, that idea sucks.
- Okay!
490
00:19:38,163 --> 00:19:43,014
That idea would suck a dick
just to cut in line
491
00:19:43,091 --> 00:19:46,936
- to suck a bigger dick.
- Okay, Pam.
492
00:19:47,013 --> 00:19:48,422
Oh, man.
493
00:19:49,217 --> 00:19:50,296
Thank you.
494
00:19:50,373 --> 00:19:51,434
I needed that.
495
00:19:51,511 --> 00:19:53,572
Yeah, well,
you know what I need?
496
00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:56,595
Oh, my God, it's up to my mouth.
497
00:19:56,789 --> 00:19:59,491
W-Wait. Why isn't it
up to your mouth?
498
00:19:59,568 --> 00:20:01,018
- What?
- The quicksand.
499
00:20:01,095 --> 00:20:02,611
Why aren't you sinking?
500
00:20:02,726 --> 00:20:03,998
I can touch.
501
00:20:04,075 --> 00:20:05,942
What? -My feet are
touching the bottom.
502
00:20:06,019 --> 00:20:09,138
Then why didn't you
just walk out?!
503
00:20:09,215 --> 00:20:12,352
Well, I was going to,
then you started blubbering
504
00:20:12,429 --> 00:20:14,557
about how you wanted
to get married and shit and...
505
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:16,796
Get your big ass out
of this goddamn quicksand
506
00:20:16,873 --> 00:20:18,527
and then get my ass out!
507
00:20:18,604 --> 00:20:21,579
- Okay, geez. Lighten up already.
- Hurry up!
508
00:20:21,656 --> 00:20:24,001
You can't go through life
pissed off all the damn time.
509
00:20:24,078 --> 00:20:25,600
It'll give you ball cancer.
510
00:20:25,677 --> 00:20:29,502
I had an uncle once, Norm,
always pissed off and... whoops!
511
00:20:31,154 --> 00:20:33,033
And?
512
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,937
Um...
513
00:20:37,541 --> 00:20:39,207
What happened to Norm?
514
00:20:39,563 --> 00:20:40,942
Let me guess.
515
00:20:41,019 --> 00:20:43,136
Did you annoy him to death?
516
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:48,088
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36974
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