Original subtitles

ZOE: All right, I think it"s recording.

MAN: Wait, I"m not ready yet. Just be in the moment.

Just do what we normally do when we have sex.

What do we normally do?

We just do it.

Shit, I"m sorry. Gosh!

Should I put my hair up?

Maybe we don"t have to kiss.

ZOE: Ow, ow, ow. Hey, ow, ow, ow, you"re pulling my hair.

No, the other hair.

MAN: Okay, you"re still fucking it up.

Jesus, God, don"t judge me. This is very vulnerable.

Okay, we just need to find a rhythm.

Hey... Ow, ow, hey, you"re...

My head"s... Could you pull me down?

Here, here.

No, don"t French kiss my neck,

just kiss my neck.

I don"t think that this is happening.

Aren"t you supposed to fake it, at least?

Happy?

MAN: Habits define exactly who we are.

They exhibit our personalities, our behavior.

Routines regulate our efficiency or inefficiency.

One"s habits affect their perception of others

and most importantly, their perception of themselves.

ZOE: It"s hot as balls here.

CLAIRE: Hmm, global warming?

More like just Texas, you know?

You think when you get married we"re still actually gonna do this?

Or are you gonna like spawn and join the PTA and shit?

Oh, yeah, because that"s totally who I am.

Minivan and all.

No, but you"re a closet-normal person, for sure.

I agree.

P.S., Lana seems happy... Mmm.

In pictures.

In a very, like, contrived way, of course.

Other people"s happiness disturbs me.

You"re a hopeless romantic.

No, I just don"t understand what the big deal is.

Like, the marriage thing, the baby thing.

It"s like, not everybody's version of normal.

Oh, please, you"re gonna end up with like five.

How long have you known me?

Like a hundred years.

And have I ever once said that I want to have a baby or a husband?

No, but to be fair, I"m, like, drunk half the time.

This is just that whole turning 30 drama everybody talks about.

Just let it fall over you like a warm blanket on a cold day.

I see your blanket, I twist it, tie it in a knot,

hang myself with it,

and then I address a note that says,

"This is all your fault."

That"s a lot.

Are your eyes gonna go cross like that, too?

I don"t know, I can"t really predict how my eyes will be.

But I"ll definitely stare you down.

Zoe, are you serious?

Oh, hey, Jay, good morning.

You"re practically naked out here.

I got kids inside. You get that, right?

You know what? I can, like, get a curtain from IKEA or something.

Zoe, as your landlord...

Whoa, actually, I own my house.

So, you"re not my landlord.

Yeah, and I own the ground that it"s parked on.

I own this whole lawn.

But who really owns the ground?

You are two weeks behind on rent this month.

I"m so sorry.

I need you to pay me to use this ground.

Hey, Jay, you know I can hear the words you"re saying.

You don"t also have to act them out with your hands.

Excuse me if my expressions are intimidating.

Because I need you to pay me.

Yeah, sure, we can talk about this tomorrow.

You know what? I"m actually running a little late

to a wedding, so... You can pay me tomorrow.

You can hand me an envelope of money tomorrow,

or you can find a new place to park your tiny home, okay?

Cool, great.

Wait, does it have to be cash?

This...

Could not have happened to a nicer couple.

No, actually, it totally could have.

"Really goin" for it.

This is like pornographic.

Oh, Lana, is this it. Is this it?

WOMAN: Oh, Peter. Should I get my head lamp on?

Did she just cum? I think the mom did.

Great job!

I just missed it.

All right, thank you to every one for being here on our big day.

We really appreciate all of you.

But now I"m gonna need all the single ladies!

Get up here!

Yeah, and it"s you.

You"re single, Sarah, by the way. Now, you go up.

Yeah, but after what happened at the last wedding,

I"m just tryin' to mind my P"s and Q's.

Uh-oh, I see you.

I see some single ladies hiding out in the back there!

Zoe...

I know you"re single!

WOMEN: Zoe! Zoe! Zoe!

Zoe. Come on up!

Get up here!

"I fuckin" hate myself.

If anyone gets in your way, duck and hit.

Last wedding, I got arrested because I hit somebody,

I didn"t duck.

All right, let"s do this!

One, two, three.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Shit!

No. Hold up.

We scheduled this.

It"s on the joint calendar.

Okay, well, you know.

Same time next week, that bell goes off, I"m all yours.

You said that last week.

It"s been like three months.

Oh, God, okay, fine.

But can you be quick?

I have a meeting in the morning.

Oh, my God!

The condo"s going up next door!

I have reported them multiple times for working after 9:00...

Just forget about it.

Zone out.

All we need is right here.

Okay. Okay.

I"m zoning out.

Zone it out.

I swear if one more artisanal cupcake shop goes on our block,

I"m gonna lose my goddamn mind.

I"m...

I"m sorry, I can't. I just... I can"t.

Maybe you should have an affair.

Reaganomics, higher taxes, school prayer.

Is this the 2000 Convention? Yep.

Where did you get this on Blu

YouTube, and then I had my IT guy at work burn it for you.

Honey, just let me see this one part.

You know, Lana told me that you don"t have a lot of customers.

So I just want to support another business.

Oh, well, that was nice of her, I guess.

I actually own Forbidden Fruit down the street.

Oh, the sex shop.

Adult marketplace. Oh.

People have told me they never quite seen anything like my vagina

and I choose to take that as a compliment.

Whoo, I lost my visor on that one!

That was a good one. Very satisfying.

Oh, yeah, you feel good? Yeah.

I"m just in that state of mind where I"m like, full bush!

I go out in my bathing suit like,

I"ve had a couple children point at it and say,

"What"s that, Mom?"

Oh, my God!

I think I"m dying. My pussy is on fire!

I am gonna titty punch you! Okay.

Zoe, do you want to just come over here

and hold me for a second?

MAN: Ms. Crandle, I"m so sorry.

But we"re gonna have to reject your application

for a small-business loan today.

Darn. But I can offer you

one of these fantastic drink koozies.

Compliments of the bank.

Oh, great, yes. Because the drink koozy

is really gonna take the edge off the complete

and total destruction of my life.

Maybe you can try someplace else?

Maybe you have some friends or family?

What about your parents?

CLAIRE: If he"s cheating on me, I need to step my game up.

I have been watching only PornTube,

like, literally all the time.

Oh, I really like PornTube, you know?

There"s something very Warhol about it.

Yeah, right?

I mean, a babysitter anal series is like super artsy.

Okay, Claire, why don"t you just end it?

Okay, I found someone.

Someone who"s great on paper

and looks good next to me in pictures.

Someone who wants to marry me even though I"m, you know,

me and everything.

Right? When you love someone, you fight for it.

Even if it feels wrong.

JANE: It"s beautiful, right?

I mean, it will be when we put it on a dimmer.

Are we looking at the same thing here?

Don"t do this.

Jane, I can"t even walk under it.

I"m gonna smash into this thing one day.

This thing is set up for me to lose.

Have you noticed that it"s getting harder and harder

to walk around our house?

Yeah, well, have you noticed,

since we"re, you know, spit-balling here,

that the towels in the bathroom are always a mess?

No. You have a towel thing.

I have a towel thing? Yes, you have a towel thing.

The hand towels are always askew

and it drives me up a fucking wall.

Okay.

Okay, no more askew towels, got it.

Have you given any thought to what I said the other night?

What? Having an affair.

No.

Maybe I"m not joking.

People do that, right?

They open up the marriage to save it?

I don"t know, maybe we could be those people.

Yeah, I don"t wanna be those kind of people.

I wanna be the kind of person that"s just for you.

Mmm.

Oh, my God!

Don "t fuck him, he" s a client.

ZOE: Do you want any help with that?

No, I think I got it.

Just let me know if it"s even.

It"s even just pull it tight, much tighter.

The weather in Texas changes a lot.

You don"t want anybody to miss this.

How"s that?

Ah, perfect.

It"s a little on the nose.

Yeah, I was going for simple and sad.

Oh, well, I think you nailed it.

Yeah, I feel good about it.

You want to come in?

I mean, if you"re open.

We"re open now.

I can"t believe this place is closing.

You know, I love Paul"s Picks?

Paul does have exquisite taste.

You"re Paul, aren't you? Paul, nice to meet you.

Hi, I"m Zoe. Hi, Zoe.

So are these alphabetized or...

I sort of have my own system going.

I"ve seen pretty much every film here.

So it forces people to ask me questions.

Which is nice, because I get a little lonely.

Well, not to sound like a stalker.

But I saw you all alone

at Lana"s super boring wedding.

Yeah, I was with my wife.

She was in the Delta Gamma thing with her.

Were you in that?

No, no, I"m not a joiner.

I majored in ass-sitting college,

and by college, I mean, I did not go.

Hmm. I did. Majored in philosophy.

Hmm. And now I have all of this.

For not that much longer.

Hey, don"t be so hard on yourself.

It"s not your fault, it"s the economy

and you know all that crap I fall asleep to

while listening to CNN. Mmm.

Well, I got a few more months on my lease.

I figure, why not revel in my failure?

That"s a good plan, Paul.

I do that, like, all the time.

So, welcome to the club.

Thanks.

I own the waxing business across the street.

So if you ever need any detail work on your bikini line...

Yeah, I might take you up on that.

Cool. It"s a mess down there.

Well, it was nice to meet you, Paul.

You, too, Zoe. So, I"ll see you later.

Fuck, who put that there?

I did. There.

Bye, Zoe.

Bye, Paul.

So how do you know that Jim"s gonna be here?

I"ve traced all of his credit card receipts back to this place,

he"s here every Tuesday at noon.

You"re such a psychopath. Whatever.

Oh, my God. I see him, I see him,

Oh, my God, was he with anyone? I don"t know, I panicked.

We need to get closer.

You know some people go to lunch just to have lunch?

Well, we"re not some people and I need you to walk by.

I don"t want to.

Zoe, I need you to walk by.

To-go containers.

You ready to go?

Wanna get a drink?

It"s noon, I have to work.

So?

He"s not cheating on me, right?

No. No, right?

No way.

I mean, there aren"t even enough hours in the day.

Yeah, who has the time for that?

You know what I realized?

I want to find a soulmate.

But my house is only big enough for one person.

Hmm. Unless they get on top of me.

So then, I guess, like, you can fit more people in there

if somebody gets on top of them.

And you could just, like, keep stacking people.

So, the ceiling"s the limit.

Unless you built a sunroof. Yeah.

Okay, so he"s definitely not cheating on me, right?

I have nothing to worry about.

Not a thing to worry about.

Definitely not. Uh-uh.

I mean, unless he is.

So, we"re seriously doing this?

We"re going through your fiance"s trash

in the middle of the night?

Okay, when a man enters you,

you have a right to his garbage.

You know what? I"m going in.

What? No.

No, that"s breaking and entering.

I"m not breaking, I"m just entering.

Wait, Claire!

Claire!

Claire!

Why are we searching the kitchen?

Because it is the last place anyone would think to look.

I don"t know, clean people don"t cheat.

His maid comes twice a week.

Maybe he"s fucking her.

Hey, that"d be kinda brilliant.

She could just clean up afterward.

Ugh, that"s not funny.

Wait, are you sniffing his clothes?

Well, if I don"t sniff for vanilla musk and scan for body glitter,

how do I know if he"s been to a strip club?

I"ll allow it. Thank you.

Oh, things just got weird.

Oh, my God, Zoe, take off the mask.

Zoe, take off the mask!

Zoe, take off the fucking mask!

Oh, my God.

Oh.

All right, Nate. Nate, stop.

Stop. Stay.

Look, buddy, it would be so awesome

if you would just stop the dog thing.

Because you"re not a dog, Nathan.

You"re a kid, and you"re a great kid.

So, what do you say?

Stand up and walk on your own two feet?

He bit me, dude.

I know, but he"s so cute.

We make awesome kids.

I mean, they"re weird as shit, but awesome.

So, listen, I was thinking...

The affair thing, is that still a go?

Yeah, totally.

Should I let you know when... No, I don"t want to

hear details or anything.

Cool.

Hey, guys...

Not in the street. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Get your brother.

Just stop him.

Come here. Come here, boy.

Whoa, wax your bush.

Wax your bush.

Try out the wax studio, right there.

Hello, your wife looks like she needs a wax.

Sir, sir, sorry.

It"s a little...

You wanna wax your bush?

Wax your bush.

Wax your bush.

Wax your bush. Thank you.

Wait, hey!

Hey, Zoe.

Hey this is not working. I am fucked right now, Claire.

CLAIRE: What"s up?

I"m just scaring people away.

Nobody gets the double entendre.

Oh, you just said "double entendre" and now I am worried.

Just pour yourself a vodka soda and know that

if you build it, they"ll come.

They should.

PAUL: Hey.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Nice double entendre.

Thank you.

You doing okay? You look a little...

Yeah, no, I"m good.

I"m really... Really good.

Yeah. Why, do I not look okay?

No, you look hot.

Double entendre.

What are you doing right now?

Oh, you know, I"m...

Just probably gonna jump off a bridge or something.

Yeah, you gotta get outta politics, it"s killing you.

Come on.

Can I buy you a drink?

Um, nope, I have a drink already.

What is your name?

Are we allowed to do names?

I thought we weren"t doing names.

You can make one up, if you"d like.

Oh, okay. Um...

Great, I didn"t really give that any advanced thought.

Um, Allison.

No, I hate Allison, she is a total...

Melania.

That is also equally vile.

Um...

Lola?

That"s cute... No, that"s trying too hard, isn"t it?

Nice to meet you, Lola.

Wow, you"re really getting into that hand, aren"t you?

No, no, no.

Uh, sorry, I"m just not into...

Public displays of affection.

So, how do we... How do we do this?

You tell me what you like.

Okay. Um...

Well, I like C-SPAN, I like to workout,

I like watching people hoard on TV.

Okay, how "bout I figure this out?"

Um...

You don"t...

You don"t have any cold sores, do you?

No.

Okay.

It"s just that like, 85% of the population has herpes.

So it"s a valid question.

Um, I would really prefer not to take off my clothes.

Okay.

I"m sorry, I"ve never been with anyone besides my husband.

I just thought I might take you to a movie,

if that"s all right.

What do you think?

Wow, did you set this all up yourself?

Yeah, I"m not so great at sleeping.

So I just come up here and hang out.

It"s like I have my own personal drive-in.

Yeah, at night I stay up making mixed CDs.

I mean, I guess they"re called playlists now, but...

Dude, you do realize that mixed CDs

are like a lost art form, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, every girl I liked in high school

would get these, like, heart-wrenching,

80s hair band, power ballad mixes.

Oh, no, Paul, you"re a hair band guy?

Sorry, yes.

That is both very lame and kinda, sorta awesome.

Thank you.

Wow, I sleep up here more than I care to admit.

Can I ask you something?

Whoo, I hate questions that start with that.

But, sure.

Why were you alone in your car at the wedding?

You know, when I...

Got high and lit yourself on fire?

Okay, we don"t need a play-by-play.

I was, you know...

I was giving my wife some space.

Pretty sure she can"t stand to be around me.

We"re hardly ever having sex.

And when we do, it takes way too long.

It"s kinda like that wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.

My every day is like the wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.

I started listening to 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

on audio tape and it turns out, I have none of them.

Yeah, it took Jane"s parents bailing me out

for, like, the hundredth time

before I came to that conclusion.

Well, my parents have been dead for 13 years.

So I can"t exactly bother them for cash.

They didn"t leave you some huge trust fund or anything?

A trust fund

I don"t know.

No, my parents were basically

like the Bonnie and Clyde of tax evasion.

They opened up a bunch of credit cards in my name,

left me with all this debt.

So yeah, they raised me but then

somebody else sent me the bill.

Well, how"d you then open up a business

and land on your feet?

I worked a ton of jobs,

I served a thousand beers at Beer Land,

worked the door at Mohawk,

temped, parked cars at a rodeo.

I actually was the cashier at the salon

and then they were closing down

and I got my license, took over the lease,

paid for itself for a while.

What?

I just... I find you fascinating.

That"s a word.

That is the F-word.

It must be horrible to lose this.

Yeah.

It"ll probably be a condo by the end of the month.

You ready? Yeah.

Hi.

No.

LANA: Zoe? Yeah?

Zoe! Oh, hi!

Hi, I"m so happy you came!

Of course.

I have something for you.

For me? Look!

Oh, great! Do you want to feel him kick?

No. Come on.

It is a joy. No.

To feel him kick, I must say.

No, no, I do not.

No? I do not...

Want to feel the kick.

Fine, maybe we can put your present over here

along with the non-registry gifts.

It"s okay, all the single people bring baskets.

SARAH-BETH: Oh, Zoe! Hi!

Brought you a juice. Oh, thank you.

Where"s the bar?

Oh, there"s a juice bar over there

and an oxygen bar in the back.

I don"t wanna take too much because I have

a roller derby match tonight, and it"s my first one.

I"m trying to come up with a name.

I was like, the Penetrator, you know.

Or like, Nipple Clamper LANA: Oh, no, I don"t like that one.

I want something aggressive.

So there"s no alcohol? No alcohol?

No, Zoe, it"s 11:30 in the morning.

Well, it"s past 10:00, you know, all bets are off.

You ever had a carbon monoxide shot?

You should go in the garage and turn the car on.

What? Yeah, all the kids are doing it,

don"t stay in there too long "cause you could die.

But just turn the car on for like, 30 seconds.

It"s the same effect as alcohol.

Anyway, this is a great party.

I love kids.

All right, we"ll see you at the oxygen bar.

I"ll see you at the...

I actually will just breathe the air that"s right here, thank you.

Don"t judge me, little kids.

Well, hello, friend. Hello.

Somebody that I know, that is older than five.

Hi! Hi.

So what were you up to before this horrific

shoot-myself-in-the-face baby shower?

Ah, I was doing very exciting things.

I was blowing up balloons, I was unstacking chairs.

Hard labor, basically.

Sounds like a blast.

You have kids? Nah.

Oh. Do I look like I have kids?

No. Okay.

Guess what? PAUL: Hmm?

Your son is biting party guests.

Our son thinks he"s a dog.

It"s a phase.

It"s a phase.

Be right back. Thank you.

It"s actually a totally normal, developmental stage.

Oh, sure, yeah. It actually means

he has an above-average imagination.

So, maybe he"ll be an artist.

I hope not.

Well, I bark at like half my dates.

So, I totally understand.

Yeah, don"t have kids, that"s my tip for you.

Way ahead of you.

God, I hate myself.

Hello.

What "s y'all" s nameses?

I see how this is going.

You know the first boy that ever broke my heart had red hair.

He ended up cutting off a lock of his hair and mailing it to me.

I still have it in this trunk at my house.

I wonder what he"s doing?

Do you guys have Facebook?

So which one of you do you think

will lose your virginity first?

It"s a fair question.

June, Cam...

Sorry, Cameron, June, this is Zoe.

Zoe, these are my girls.

You have three kids.

That I do, Zoe.

That I do.

What"s your name again? Sam.

I want to welcome everybody to Oral 101.

I am Sarah-Beth and I suck!

Seriously, Claire?

What, I saw it on Groupon.

You bought a dick-sucking class on Groupon?

So today you"re gonna learn how to GBB,

Give Better Blowjobs.

You told me that this was going to be

a cooking exhibition to make homemade Pop-Tarts.

Surprise! Fuck you.

He won"t. What?

Fuck me.

And it is actually an amazing exfoliant.

My fiance won"t have sex with me

unless I have Bush on my face.

That"s what the masks were for?

And just put it on your face like this

and I swear your face has never been softer.

So when you have the penis in your mouth,

you wanna treat it like a pepper grinder.

Now, twist it!

Twist it!

Put some pepper on it!

It"s all in the wrist.

That"s nice.

Every penis has its own personality.

Some dicks are just like a nice, simple guy

that"s tellin' you he likes your blouse.

Other dicks are a little feisty.

You can get a good sense of what a dick"s gonna be like

when you see it.

If he"s all doin' this at first,

you"re like, "Yeah, that"s a feisty dick!"

And there"s nothing a guy likes

more than getting compliments.

Okay, so watch this.

You have the most beautiful eyes

of anyone I have ever seen.

So everybody, pick your penises up.

On the count of three you"re gonna put the penis,

cucumber, in your mouth.

Okay, one, two, three.

You"re so sexy.

ZOE: You"re so loyal.

SARAH-BETH: You"re so loyal?

Good try. A for effort.

But a guy does not want to hear

how he"s loyal in a blowjob.

You need to say something like,

"This is the biggest dick I have ever put in my mouth.

"It is so huge,

"I"ve only thrown up on you five times."

All right, small mouth, come up.

How does this keep happening to me?

Zoe, Zoe! Shh.

Come over here, Zoe.

All right, pull up your penis.

There we go, okay.

So, just imagine a penis just like,

"Oh, my God, I love this.

"Oh, I want to put my wiener all over your face"

"and in your mouth, put it in your nose,"

"and in your eye, and in your cheek, everywhere."

"Just take it, just take it, take it."

SARAH-BETH: All right, that"s one way to deal with it.

Uh, I wouldn"t suggest...

Breaking it in half.

Hey, Jane!

Well, hi, Nathan.

Oh, sorry, he does that to everyone.

We didn"t see you at the Toddler Meditation sailboat last week.

You know Nathan would just love that.

I"m running a workshop on how to make

your own kale chips this Thursday, okay?

So, I"ll put you on the list, okay?

There you are!

Jane, we were starting to think

that you guys had moved away.

You know I"m doing a Mothers Against Litter sign up

to clean up the park.

Paul"s already on the list.

He is really fantastic with the kids.

You are so lucky!

[WOMEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

What, you have to pee? Okay, come on.

Mom, we"re hungry. Dad, can we have dinner?

Yeah, I"ll order us a pizza.

No, I can make something in a minute.

Can you walk your brother?

PAUL: Who is that?

Lana, she"s really upset about the pregnancy.

You know, I should go over there.

Why don"t you order that pizza thing?

Okay.

Hello?

[WOMAN ON PHONE SPEAKING SOFTLY]

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Yes. Thank you for calling.

Ah, guys, the school called

and it seems that your class has lice.

No, no, no, no, no.

We don"t scream. Sit down, sit down.

I"m gonna take a look at you.

Everyone just calm down.

I"m sure everything is fine.

We"re just... You know, we"re gonna deal with this, okay?

The important thing is we don"t...

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I"m sorry for using that word.

It was knee-jerk.

Uh...

We"re gonna kill them all.

Daddy"s gonna kill them all.

We"ll be fine.

You"ll be fine.

We"ll be okay.

Here we go.

Here we go.

MAN: What did I do?

Nothing, you"re great.

You"re great.

It"s just something that happens to me these days.

I"m just obsessing.

I "m obsessing It" s okay.

I"m obsessing. It"s okay.

It"s just so hard to be alone.

Especially when you"re with someone.

MAN: Uh... I can... I can hold you.

For an extra $200.

Hey.

Hey.

Where you been? I called you like 10 times.

My phone died.

Okay, don"t freak out.

Maybe we should send them to private school.

You think lice don"t infect spoiled rich kids?

Probably not.

Have you slept with anyone yet?

You told me not to tell you.

Yeah, no, I know, I"m sorry, never mind.

But no, I haven"t.

Come here.

I love you.

I know.

Okay, All right.

Paul, stop. Why?

Seriously, stop. What.

We have to wash this out.

All right, full disclosure.

I pretty much survive on food truck meals alone.

So you"re talking to an expert here. You can trust me.

I trust you. Thank you.

Do you realize how badass these guys are?

I mean, no one can afford a lease anymore.

So they"re like, "Screw it, we"re gonna open a business on our own terms,

"no one to answer to, and we get to do what we love day in and day out."

Plus, these tacos are no joke.

Okay, well, you"re talking to somebody with extraordinarily

high taco standards, just to be clear.

Okay. I"m not easily impressed.

Okay, so we"re meeting in the same place here.

Mmm-hmm. And...

Close your eyes and open your mouth.

I"m not falling for that one again.

Come on, man, it"s taco roulette.

You gotta trust me, I have honorable intentions, I swear.

Okay. All right.

This is very vulnerable for me.

Shh.

So your mouth is ready.

Okay. It"s close, it's close.

Okay, oh. Chew it down.

This is really good. It"s really good, right?

Who knows his tacos?

You know your tacos.

Come on, there you got it.

Well, I met somebody.

Someone I actually like, and he"s perfect, and he"s married.

Unhappily.

Well, that"s new and better than happily.

You know what your problem is?

Um, yeah, which one?

You see everyone around you settling down

and it makes you want to rev up and give hand jobs

to weird dudes in public.

Wow, you really have a way of making things sound worse than they are.

Really? "Cause you're sleeping with a married guy"

and watching your business fail right before your eyes.

I haven"t actually slept with him

and what am I supposed to do about my store?

It"s out of my hands.

I"m sorry, you haven"t slept with him?

Well, that"s different.

Shut up.

Look, if that"s what you want, go for it.

If the store is what you want,

stop being complacent, okay?

We"ll figure something out.

Or we"ll die.

But either way, it"s gonna be over soon.

I"ll drink to that.

Cheers.

I"m kinda getting high from the fumes.

That"s why we come here.

Right.

Paul?

Hi. What are you doing here?

You forgot your keys.

What is this place?

Ah, it"s just a place I hang out sometimes, you know?

Watch movies.

You"re drinking?

No, it"s a friend's.

You don"t have friends.

Thanks, I do occasionally... Have friends.

Okay, so what, you come here and you watch...

You watch Working Girl?

Why are you watching Working Girl?

You only watch Working Girl when you"re feeling defeated.

You wanna hang out for a bit?

Watch Working Girl?

I can"t. I don"t have time.

Yeah.

Thanks for the keys.

See you at home. Yeah, see you at home.

Hello. Hello.

What are you doing?

I am tracing my own hand.

Okay, well, a few of us are going to a bar down the street

if you would like to join us.

And by a few of us I mean, there is no us,

it"s just me, alone.

But there will be people in the background.

So, it should be fun.

I would, and thanks for the invitation but I"m sober.

Oh, perfect, I"m an enabler.

So, this is great.

Rain check? Aw, come on.

It"ll be fun. Right?

Question mark, exclamation point.

Another exclamation point, dot, dot, dot, dot...

Okay, I"ll go if you stop doing that.

Deal. Period.

So are you sober or are you an alcoholic?

Well, I"m definitely sober.

Not sure if I"m an alcoholic.

But my wife is sure.

Cool. Yeah.

So how bad of an alcoholic are we talking?

Do you, like, chug Listerine?

Do you keep gasoline underneath your bed?

No, I was, like, old-school.

I just drank all the human stuff.

But, like... Like a lot of it.

I like a man who can commit to something.Mmm-hmm.

Does this mean you got like an intervention?

Did people come and read you letters and cry?

No, but that sounds amazing and I would"ve loved one.

What happened to me was I got into

into a really awesome car accident.

Cool. Yeah.

You didn"t hit anybody, did you?

I did, a parking meter.

He didn"t make it.

Oh, no. It was fine.

He was kind of a jerk parking meter.

No, Jane, uh... Jane gave me a choice.

Her or Scotch.

And I chose her.

Well, I choose Scotch.

And beer, and anything else I can get my mouth around.

I did not say... I didn"t mean it like that.

It doesn"t bother you if I drink in front of you, does it?

No, no, no, other people drinking doesn"t bother me as much as, you know, me not.

Which still annoys me.

Well, you seem to be handling yourself quite nicely, you know?

Something right there.

Ow! Sorry.

Fuck!

I"m gonna worry about this later.

So that happened. Yep.

I"m in your bed.

Your joint bed.

You are married, you have a wife. You know, your wife, Jane.

Where is Jane?

She"s gone for the night with the kids.

Oh, my God.

Jane told me I could have an affair.

So, I"m the affair?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Oh, my God.

Is that why you"ve been hanging out with me?

Was so you could bait me?

So you could sleep with me? So I can be your... Zoe, Zoe.

I like you.

You have no idea how much I like you.

Oh, my God.

We"re bad people. No.

We"re good people.

We"re just failing at it right now.

Just...

I mean, we take the same antidepressants.

I mean, that should count for something.

Yeah, that"s the spirit.

Listen, my life is, like, super complicated right now.

I have no idea what"s happening with my marriage.

But my kids, I mean, they"re everything.

They"re the only thing I"ve ever done right in my whole life.

Come here, come on.

We"ll figure it out.

Everything"s gonna be okay.

For somebody.

PAUL: It was too low.

I knew this would happen.

Let me do it. It was my fault. I have it.

Leave it. Leave it! I got it. I got it.

Leave it! I"ll do it!

Hi.

Jane, hi.

I didn"t even know you worked here.

You didn"t?

No, Laser Town is packed.

I just came over for a... For a wax.

Oh, great.

What were you thinking of doing?

Brazilian? Cool, I do that.

I do that. Okay.

Unless, of course, you wouldn"t feel comfortable with...

Oh, no, you"re a professional.

So, I... I am completely comfortable.

Great, why don"t you just go back there,

make yourself comfortable and I"ll be right in.

Okay.

All right, Jane, if you could spread your legs in a frog-like position.

Like... Like this?

Excellent, thanks.

So how have you been doing?

Good.

I heard you went by the store.

Yes, I did. I"ve gone by the store.

You know, I go by... I go by all those stores.

Yeah, Paul"s having a really hard time letting go of it.

Sorry.

All right, now you can go ahead and pull your legs back

as far as you can, excellent, yes.

You ever been married?

No, no, not yet.

You heard Lana and Peter are already having trouble, right?

No, I had not heard that.

All right, Jane, you can go ahead and lie down on your side, this direction.

Yeah, apparently he"s been cheating on her.

Oh, you know, I...

You know, I guess that"s something that people do.

All right, Jane, now this is something fun,

I never thought I would be asking you to do.

But could you spread your right butt cheek?

Excellent.

Wait, is it the wax?

No, I"m just having a panic attack.

Oh, I have those all the time,

it"s a repetitive sound disorder.

Maybe that"s... Is it the sound?

No, it"s fine, I'm breathing.

This is breathing and it means I"m not dying.

Okay, are you sure? Can I get you something, some water?

No. A Xanax?

It"ll help the water go down easier.

No, it"s just something that happens lately.

I spontaneously start crying.

It"s like I have a disease or something.

No, you"re okay.

How do you know that?

I guess it"s just something that people say.

But I"m sure it"s true occasionally.

Zoe? Yeah?

Can you just finish waxing my asshole so I can go?

Of course.

Mazel Tov.

I just want to say thank you to everybody for coming.

This is has been the most successful bris.

Well, that"s subjective.

Thank you for having us.

It"s been lovely.

Are you gonna get him?

No, no. We are practicing the "Cry It Out" method.

So, it is agony.

But it is better for him in the long run.

Oh, actually they"ve just proven that

lack of emotional support when you"re young

can have a real damaging effect later in life.

So, it"s all over the blogs.

Our son eats off the floor.

No, really, he chews bones

and the other day we found him drinking water out of the toilet.

So, anything that Jane says about parenting

you should, you know, do the opposite.

This flatware is lovely.

Thank you. Yeah.

You know, I actually from...

Because you"re father of the fucking year, right?

No, I"m sorry. I'm sorry that I make all the money

and I take care of our three kids

and I have my parents bail us out of bankruptcy.

You"re right, I'm just a terrible mom and a terrible wife.

I paid for that money, Jane.

Trust me, I fucking paid for it.

How"s that wine treating you, Sweetie? It"s delicious, thanks.

Would you pass the...

Hey, look, everyone.

Now it"s all out in the open.

Look, everybody, Jane is a smoker.

See, now everybody knows and nobody cares.

You"re right I'm a terrible, terrible human being,

because sometimes I have a cigarette.

Right.

Uh...

There, you win!

Okay? You win!

If winning mean losing your job, getting a DUI,

and bringing nothing to the table sexually.

I mean, you think I just wanna roll over

and get fucked the exact same way for the rest of my life?

It is Groundhog Day! My vagina is fuckin" Bill Murray!

Aw, I love Bill Murray.

You"re embarrassing yourself.

You know what? You"ve been embarrassing me our entire marriage!

Jane, can I get you an ashtray?

No, it"s fine. No?

JANE: Thank you, have a great bris.

Well, I have never been to a bris before.

But this is great.

Zoe. Whoo.

Zoe, do you think I can"t see you?

Oh, I"m sorry, I just really need my face in my hair right now.

You mean your hair in your face?

I mean my hair in my face, Paul.

Hi. Hi. You okay?

Yeah, I"m actually... Are you kidding me?

I signed up for life classes through Oprah,

because she does that and then I got corn tortillas

instead of flour because I heard that was better for you

and I, I...

Fuck, I"m doing awesome.

Okay, listen, I"m really sorry, um...

I"m really sorry about what happened.

I"m not sorry that it happened. I just...

I suck at words.

I"m so much better at mixed CDs.

Yeah, me, too.

I just, I REO Speedwagon Can"t Fight This Feeling.

Paul, you can"t admit to liking REO Speedwagon.

It"s not even cool in an ironic way like Tom Petty.

Yeah, Tom Petty is not cool in any way.

What are you... Are you serious right now?

Tom Petty is not cool? I can"t, you know what?

No, I"m not doing this here.

I cannot argue with you about the coolness of Tom Petty out in the open.

It"s just way too intimate.

Then come inside. I"m not coming inside.

This is... I can"t do this.

It"s just...

He was an escort.

The guy I was with.

He was a what?

He was a prostitute.

He was a fucking prostitute.

You paid someone?

You paid someone?

How much did they charge?

Why is there an eviction notice on your door?

I don"t know.

Zo, what"s wrong?

I slept with Paul.

Paul of Paul and Jane?

I mean, it"s okay, you know? People fuck people.

I don"t know how this is my life, you know?

I worked so hard not to be like my parents.

Not to be a failure.

I don"t want to lose everything that I have.

Okay, what do people in this town love more than anything?

Tacos. More than tacos.

Music.

I have the bands,

you have a pretty vacant space with your store.

I say we charge a cover

and... I don"t know, see what happens.

You think that would work?

I mean, we might as well try, right?

Sir, you! Ma"am!

See this, Austin?

We can"t find Nate. Nathan"s missing.

Hey, did you pay a cover?

No, you can"t sneak in here.

You need to go to the front and you need to pay. CLAIRE: Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.

Hey! Relax.

This is going so great. I have someone at the door.

Oh, great. Yeah. Wait, you wanna take a shot with me?

No, and why don"t you slow your roll, okay?

I"m having fun, Claire, loosen up.

This is going great.

Why don"t we get you some water?

Okay, you look like a total mess.

Phew.

Nathan!

Come on, bud, Nate!

Did you find him? Yeah, Jane, I found him.

"Just decided to stand out here and continue calling his name like a fuckin" idiot.

I"m sorry! It"s not your fault.

He does this all the time, we"ll find him.

Yes, it is, it"s my fault.

Everything is fucking my fault!

It was the both of us. Nate!

You know, that I get off work and I come here,

and I walk around the block three or four times

before I even come inside?

Why.

Because I can"t believe that I am this.

This wife, this mother, it just doesn"t seem real.

I never wanted to be one of these fucking people.

What people?

People who live just to endure each other.

That"s everyone we know. That"s marriage!

It"s not!

You think...

You think I tried to be a shitty wife?

No, I tried! I tried to do my best!

I worked hard, I took care of the bills,

I took care of the children. I tried to be attracted to you.

Wait, what?

What do you... You tried to be attracted... What does that even mean?

Recently, the thought of having sex with you just repulses me.

Wow, this...

I"m just trying to be honest for once.

Yeah, your honesty, it"s just another way for you to hurt people.

Look at our house, nothing fits!

You are buying furniture for a house we don"t even live in!

Nathan! Nathan!

WOMAN: Found him!

Must be hard, being this self-righteous.

You have no idea.

ZOE: Thank you so much for coming out tonight!

And giving a hands up to Sailor Poon.

Look at these ladies.

And speaking of poon, let"s not forget why we"re here.

So that our poons can get waxed

by a local business and not Laser Town,

which is basically the Illuminati of pubic hair.

Now tonight, we"re gonna take back what"s ours!

Let"s take it to the streets!

Come on!

They can"t break us.

CROWD: Ohh!

Plexiglass, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

This just stupid...

CROWD: Ohh!

Damn it! Stupid!

Ow! Fuck!

Ow! Fuck!

Thanks for bailing me out.

The covers paid half and the other half...

I"ll pay you back, I promise.

How, Zoe, how are you gonna pay me back?

You don"t have anything.

Look, Claire, I"m sorry.

I was wasted, I got out of control.

Your parents spent their whole lives

running from where you just were.

Wow, that was a really low blow.

God, Zoe, you need to grow up!

Okay, so you didn"t win at life,

you didn"t get some grand fucking prize,

no one does and no one owes you anything.

And, I mean, forget winning, because how you lose

is just as much a part of who you are.

And no offense, but you"re kind of an asshole.

You know what? Just pay me back whenever.

What"s up?

What, did you rob a bank?

I got my job back at Beer Land.

That"s oddly stable of you.

I know that I suck at relationships.

And I"m full of shit,

and I act like I"m right about everything,

because I am so fucking scared to be wrong, all the time.

But you"re my best friend and I really, really do love you.

And I say that out loud, like, never.

So...

I love you.

You"re being totally emo right now.

Yeah, I"m really trying to get better at this emo stuff.

Feels good.

I caught Jim fucking his office.

Like the wall?

No, the people.

And he didn"t even invite you?

Oh.

You"re invited.

Well, you can come to my office fuck party anytime.

I can"t believe our 5-year-old needs to see a shrink.

You think he"s okay?

He"ll be fine.

He probably loves the attention.

I mean, do you think he is okay?

Yes, I think he"s fine.

Okay.

You know, I"m really sorry about the whole prostitution thing.

It"s not funny.

I mean, come on.

I didn"t keep up.

Wow, I can"t remember the last time I"ve seen you laugh.

Oh, my God, that"s depressing.

I know this sounds fucked up, but...

If we were gonna fail, I"m really glad that I failed with you.

Good game.

Good game.

Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey, man. Hi.

Oh, look at you. Oh, hello.

Up on your knees. You look taller.

Look at that, he"s okay?

No. Blow it out, Zoe.

Make a wish.

I wish I wasn"t old.

Like a viable wish.

I wish I were dead.

Or rich.

You know what I actually wish? I wish I were British?

I think I"d be very charming if I were British.

Cheerio. It worked.

No, it didn"t.

God, I"m really bad at accents.

You are, you actually are really bad at it.

I know this isn"t where you imagined yourself at this age.

You mean closing my failing business, single?

I don"t know, it seems about right.

Did you hear about Peter and Lana?

He filed for divorce.

You got me bad news for my birthday?

You know I love other people"s bad news.

Speaking of, Paul and Jane, while no longer Paul and Jane.

Wow, really?

You gonna hit that?

No. Why?

I think I"m gonna be celibate.

Oh. That"ll last.

Uh, it will last. I will be celibate.

Hey. Nice sign.

A little on the nose.

I know.

This is great, congrats.

Thanks. It"s amazing.

Thank you very much.

You know, all my life, I"ve anticipated failure so much

it"s kind of bizarre when it"s not actually happening.

Mmm.

Sounds nice, enjoy it.

Hey, I heard about you and Jane.

And I"m really sorry.

"How you holdin" up?

Oddly well.

That"s good to hear.

Yeah, except for one thing.

What?

I keep trying to not be in love with you.

And it does not seem to be working.

Hmm, interesting turn of events.Mmm-hmm.

Let me just lay out some ground rules.

There"s gonna be no sleeping together, no sex.

I"m so sorry. Okay, great, see you.

All right.

Come here.

Hey.

Yeah?

I think I"m comin' around on Tom Petty.

Okay, we can have sex.

Let"s fuck. Oh, fantastic.

ZOE: The table"s very small but it is full-service.

No, wait, I have an idea. No, wait, don"t leave me.

No, I need to get this. Don"t leave me.

Come on. All right.

Promise, this is gonna be good.

One, two, three.

Good one. Got it.

Do this? No, no.

I"ve seen people do this.

Told you.

My most memorable blowjobs was with a celebrity.

Oh, I try not to brag about that too much, uh...

But I met Rick Moranis

right after Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

and, honey, did I shrink his kids.

You know?

I"m sweating.