Original subtitles

Hey, sweetie.

Just a minute.

I'm on the roll. Hold on.

Seriously, honey, this is ridiculous.

Hold that thought.

You realize you're neglecting your boyfriend's sexual needs to give people

advice on an internet column.

Hey, is nipple clamp one word or two words? How should I know?

Poor baby.

Have you been neglected by your sweet, loving mama?

Yes.

Do you want me to show you why I was the one who was chosen to do the sex site?

You're not going to pull those movies out of the closet again, are you?

Oh, clever.

You're silly.

I'm going to show you lesson one.

Deep throat.

My eyes water, but I love it.

Oh my god.

What?

You like that baby? Oh yeah.

Oh, shit.

Goodbye, baby.

You have a good day.

I'll give you a call later.

Hello?

Hey, baby.

I was just calling to make sure you were up.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Listen. I've got a business dinner with one of my clients, so I'll be a bit

late. Not that you'll notice. You'll probably still be online.

Oh, you know me.

Well, talk to you later.

Okay. Bye, baby.

Dear Kiss and Tell, It's been weeks now that I've been asking you to meet me at

a hotel and give me a private lesson with no response from you.

I would bring you anything.

Pay any price for my fantasy.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Tempting, but no.

I'm not even going to reply to that one. Next.

Dear Kiss and Tell, I've been married for four years.

Seems like the magic is just gone.

I come home from work, eat dinner, watch television, and crawl into bed.

I think all the time, what happened to us?

My wife is packed on five pounds and I put on ten.

I can't stop looking at all the girls I pass on the street.

I remember when we were first married. We couldn't get enough of each other.

Is this the end?

Sincerely, Second Thoughts.

Wow, that's rough.

Dear Second Thoughts, it's time to stare your problem right in the face.

So grab a mirror.

If you want your wife to give you the royal treatment, then you need to act

she's your queen again.

Here's a surefire recipe for romance.

Come home early from work with a box of chocolate and cover the bed with rose

petals. Run her a bath with sensual oils, bring a bottle of champagne, and

some chocolate -covered strawberries.

Sponge her down, feed her the strawberries, and drop a pair of diamond

into her glass.

Light candles all over the room and play some soft and sexy music.

Don't be afraid to be laughed at.

Trust me, she won't laugh.

But be ready for one of the hottest nights of your marriage.

Then see if you're still looking at other women the next day.

Dear Kiss and Tell, I've got the world's biggest problem, and I don't know what

to do. For years now, I've worked with this beautiful woman who doesn't even

know I exist, when suddenly last week, the woman of my affections expressed her

feelings for me. Instead of confessing how I really felt, I choked. I'm afraid

that I have blown my one true chance for happiness out of fear of what the world

would think.

What do I do?

Dear morning, often times in life we are forced to make tough decisions in order

to get what we really want.

Your situation is no different than what a lot of other people have to face,

regardless of their sexuality, despite what you think.

What you have to ask yourself is what is more important to you?

How the world may see you?

or how you see yourself.

The only person you have to be accountable to in life is yourself.

Or as Shakespeare once wrote, design own self, be true.

I think deep down in your heart, you know what you need to do.

Be courageous.

Take that leap of faith and throw caution to the wind.

That's my advice.

Worry about your own happiness and let the world worry about itself.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I love my job.

I have just enough time to take care of myself before my webmaster gets here.

It's like somebody already had a morning session already.

How astute of you.

How come you're so chipper anyways?

Did the price of banners go up or something?

Remember that column you wrote last month about the joys of oral sex?

Yeah. It was my reply to the retired nun who wanted some excitement back in her

life. Yeah.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, I went out last night and I met this woman.

She's smoking hot.

I think her name was Elaine.

Anyway, I tell her what I do, and come to find out she's a big fan of yours,

she practices everything you write about in the bedroom.

Really?

That's nice.

I swear to you, this woman could hung a star -spangled banner with my package in

her mouth, front to back. She was so good, she took me all the way down her

throat, sucked my balls, and licked my asshole at the same time.

Nice visual.

Oh, God.

Oh,

God.

Oh, God.

Oh God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it baby.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Let's get it over with.

Come on.

Fuck yeah.

Mmm.

a good life?

Never cheat?

Never.

Really?

Really. I've thought about it, but I think the sex advice column that I write

keeps me from acting out on my fantasy.

I kind of get it out in writing, and that keeps me from straying.

And besides, it breaks Tom's heart if I ever did that to him.

Honey, you need to get with the times, because if you think Tom has never

cheated on you, you don't know men at all.

Right, right.

Dear Kiss and Tell, the man of my dreams entered my life recently.

At first it started off as just amazing sex.

He practically devoured me in no more than 20 minutes after we met.

Now it's just more than hot sex. He sends me flowers and candy and calls me

day long.

He takes me shopping and to dinner, and things couldn't be better, right?

The only problem is that I found out he has a girlfriend who doesn't know.

He tells me that she never pays any attention to him and that she's always

working, but lately I've been feeling guilty.

I know it sounds selfish, but I want him all the time, and I don't want to

share. How do I get rid of the frigid bitch he lives with?

If you think Tom is never straight on you, then you don't know men.

Yeah? Yeah, turn me over.

like that

Oh yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, fuck. Okay.

Me too.

Sometimes these things are for the best. I hope you and he turn out to be really

happy. You can keep him.

Just be sure to tell him that his stuff will be on the front lawn when he comes

home.

I'm not mad at you, but at him.

And not for cheating on me with his secretary.

That's painful.

And I would have loved to have watched.

But for being too much of a coward to tell me and making you send this letter.

Dear Kiss and Tell, It's been weeks now that I've been asking you to meet me at

a hotel and give me a private lesson with no response from you.

I would bring you anything, pay any price for my fantasy.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Tonight's the night for your private session.

Meet me at the Roadside Inn in room 11 at 9 o 'clock.

Don't be late.

I hope you're ready.

I am more ready than you'll ever know.

What do you mean you sent my girlfriend an email about us?

Are you crazy?

She'll never find out.

Yes, she will. I told you.

She sees right through everything.

It's like a gift with her.

Now what am I gonna do?

You could always move in with me. I mean, we're happier together than you

her ever were.

You mean that?

You'd let me move in?

I love you.

All right, it's settled then.

I'll go home, I'll pack my stuff and I'll move out.

I'll meet you at your place in an hour.

Come on in.

What are you doing here?

You told me to meet you here.

Don't you remember?

I had no idea it was you.

I know.

It doesn't change anything.

You still owe me a lesson.

How did you know I would agree to meet with you here?

Well, it's in your nature.

See, Tom doesn't understand that he's too much into monogamy.

Tom and I are finished.

I know.

He's been messing around with his secretary for a few months now.

In fact, he's cleaning out his stuff right now.

How do you know all these things?

I've been watching you.

Ever since you came to work for me.

Really? Does this mean that we get to have another private lesson in the

You can have as many private sessions as you want.

Next time I want two guys.

Two guys, two girls.

It doesn't matter just as long as I get to join in.

And you write about it on the website.

You know me, I always kiss and tell. So let's get down to it.

It's a good pussy.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

Yeah.

Yeah. I hope no ear finger.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. That's my G -spot. Yeah. That's it. That's it.

Yeah, that's it. Oh,

how

many fingers can you get in?

Yeah, that's my G -spot, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck.

How many fingers do you have?

Yes. Good girl. Good girl.

That's it, baby.

That's it. Come on.

Come on.

Is that what you like? That's what I like. Look at those fucking eyes.

Nice and red, watery.

Ah, yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Are you a good girl? Uh -huh.

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Yeah, I'll pull my hair. Yeah, fucking hard. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Mm. That's it. Oh, fucking nice. Yeah.

Fucking nice. Uh -huh.

Oh.

What do you want, baby?

What do you want? What do you want? Oh, in my ass. In your fucking ass. Mm -hmm.

Yeah. Ask her nicely.

Yeah. Ask me nicely.

Can I have your cock in my ass, please? Ask me nicely. I'm not bullying you.

Yeah, please. Can I have your cock in my ass? Pretty please.

Pretty please. Yeah? Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Right there, huh? Mm -hmm. Holy fucking shit. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Mm -hmm. Oh,

yeah.

Um...