All language subtitles for IASIP S11E07 McPoyle vs. Ponderosa The Trial of the Century

BILL:
You really think Jack
can handle this case?

CHARLIE:
Yeah, he's a lawyer.

FRANK:
Besides, Bill, you're broke.

He's the best lawyer
you can afford.

Yeah, Bill, you got to relax,
okay? Uncle Jack

and I-- we got this case.
Now-now, listen to me.

Liam McPoyle's gonna
come at you hard, all right?

But-but I've done my research.
I got something with this

bird theory that's gonna
blow the court away.
I-I...

I don't... I don't think
we should pursue

this bird nonsense, Charlie.
Yes.

I-I'm well-versed in bird law.
Look,

Pondy, keep your
eye on the prize.

This goes well,
it's party time.

What is that?

Is that... is that drugs, Frank?
Yeah.

No, dude, I need you
keeping him clean,

all right?
That's why you're here.

I got to have
the drugs here

to keep him clean.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

I... Get rid
of the drugs, Frank.

I-I don't want that.
Hey, boys.

You ready for the big show?
Yes, good, how you feeling?

You good, you do your homework,
you know your talking points?
Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, cool as a cucumber.

You can...
you can get off my back.
Well, don't sass me,

I just... It was just a general
Well, then don't hound me.

question, Dee.
I'm just saying
if you don't want sass,

then you should probably
stop being a hound.
All right, whatever.

Mac, why are you here?

This is your big day, dude.
McPoyle suing Ponderosa?

It's huge, it's like the
trial of the century.

Come on, man, everybody's got
a thing. Don't leave me out.

Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a
thing. Dennis has got a thing.

Dennis has a thing--
what are you talking about?

Oh!
D... What are you doing here?

There's got to be a way
to get this court

to let me out
of my alimony payments.

I mean, have you guys seen
Maureen? The woman has gone

almost full cat.
It's-it's madness.

I shouldn't have
to pay for that,

so I'm gonna talk to the judge,
get him to throw it

on the docket,
you know what I mean?

No, absolutely not.

That's gonna distract
from my case.

Buddy, you don't
have a case, okay?

You are not a lawyer.

Uncle Jack's just
got you here handling

his papers for him
'cause he can't do it

'cause he's wearing
those goddamn...

big hands over
his hands.

I don't know what that
is. What is that?
I don't know what it is.

All right, well, either way,
this whole thing's gonna be

a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna
enjoy every second of it.

No, it's gonna
go fine.
No, it isn't.

No, it's gonna be fine.
This is hardly the trial

of the century. Everything's
gonna go just great.

On a scale of one to ten,
how much sass

are you gonna give me today?
A-Are you serious?

And hello to... you all.

What's the Jew lawyer
doing here?

Not Jewish,
and even if I was,

what difference
would it make?

I meant that
as a compliment.

Everybody knows
Jews are the best lawyers.

I can't wait
to crush you people.

I'll be representing
Liam McPoyle today.

Where is Liam?
Well, he actually
got pinkeye

in his one good eye.

Well, in truth, someone
named Doc McPoyle

attempted to put some sort of
healing milk in his pinkeye

and it got infected,
but that doesn't matter.

The point is...

you'll be dealing
with me today.

And you'll be dealing
with me today.

Jack Kelly, lawyer.

Good to see you again.

Are those fake hands?

No.
Are those fake hands?

You know what, good luck
with all of that today.

(sighs)

Did you see his hands?
They're beautiful.

I think we should settle.
What...
Jesus Christ.

I'm going to prison.
It's gonna be fine.

67th District Court
is now in session.

Judge Clarence Melvoy
presiding.

Please remove your hats and
turn off your cell phones.

Okay. We have
McPoyle v. Ponderosa.

Seeking damages for the loss
of an eye in the form

of a one-time payment
to the sum of...

$200.

Are the plaintiffs present?

I will be representing

the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

The defendants?
Uh, yes, Your Honor.

And I just, uh, wanted to say
I'm very excited

to be here.
I do estate law,

and this is my first
actual trial.

Uh, Your Honor, and if I may,
uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.

Uh, background
in bird law, uh...

Nephew.
Yeah. But excited to be,
uh, in the people's court

a-and a big fan
of black judges,

too.
Stop touching me.

Okay. Look.

All I need are the facts
to this case.

I have a very long
day ahead of me,

so I'm gonna need
to keep this thing moving.

Are you gonna
bang the, uh...
Yeah, yeah.

the-the hammer?
Do we...? Is there a...?

Here we go?

Hey.
(chuckles)
That's the...

Awesome.
Yeah.

It's cool, right?
Yeah, nice.

LAWYER:
Your Honor,

Friday the 13th
was a night of chaos.

Milk,

spiked with bath salts
by this man,

Bill Ponderosa,

was served
to the wedding guests.

Now, my client is odd.

You might even
refer to his family as...

...very creepy.

But they are saints
compared

to Bill Ponderosa

and the sordid lot
of degenerates

he associates with.

Terrible people who ruin lives.

Ruined mine,
cost my client his marriage,

ruined my first,
now my second one is teetering.

You know what...

I'm gonna sit down.

I'm done.

They just do this to me, okay?

You get the point.

UNCLE JACK:
Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,

I'll keep it brief.

I just have three things to say.

Uh, one:

Liam McPoyle
has a history of lying.

Two: My client
is a loving

family man.

And three:

He is innocent.

Deandra Reynolds,

you were the one that
told the police that Bill had

spiked the punch
with bath salts.
That's correct.

But you didn't actually
see him do it, did you?

No, I did not.
So is it possible that,

given the traumatic nature
of the evening,

that you don't
remember the evening

all that well?
Yes, that's correct.

My car was destroyed and I
was locked into a freezer.

My memory was
clouded by rage,

and so I misremembered
the incident.

An understandable mistake.
Could happen to any one of us.

For example,
you remember me, possibly,

as a man with small hands.

Yeah, you think...

What...
you think,
"He had small hands."

Do you remember that?

Yeah, sure, okay.

What you remember is false.

O-Okay.
Yup.

Big, masculine.

My hands tell a story

of greatness.

And when you look
at my right hand...
MELVOY: I'm gonna st...

uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you

right now.
Are you just gonna

talk about your hands
for a while?

Uh, no, Your Honor.

No more questions
for the witness.

(sighs)
Deandra,

here is the statement
that you gave

to police.

"Bill did it.
That goddamn drug addict

"is out of his mind.
I'll testify to that.

"I swear on my mother's
grave that Bill spiked

"that milk, no doubt about it.

He's guilty, guilty, guilty."

DEE:
Uh...

Have you ever had sex

with Bill before?

Yeah.

Yes, sure.
Because we-we were...

We had a... We were sort of...

We were lovers for a little...

One of his prostitutes, right.

Prostitutes?

Um, I have a receipt
for a mink coat,

recently purchased
by a Bill Ponderosa

to be delivered
to a Dee Reynolds.

A gift?

Yes. I had a birthday.

Six months ago.

Uh...
Are you aware

that the coat was purchased

at Doyle McPoyle's
Trappings and Fur?

No.
Or that the coat

was not made of mink at all

but rather made of... muskrat?

Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat?
Are you kidding me,

Bill? Okay, you know
what, fine, he spiked it.

(murmuring)
I'm sorry. What did you say?

He spiked it and then
he tried to bribe me.

(groaning)

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Ma'am, do you know
what perjury is?

Mm-hmm.

CHARLIE:
Oh, this is terrible.

Well, he shouldn't be ...
This is terrible.

Wow, you guys are getting
crushed in there.

Yeah. Oh, I know.
Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.

Hey, you know, I feel like
I'm not being utilized properly.

Well, that's 'cause
you don't have anything.

So you're not being
utilized at all.

Yeah, but what if I get
to deliver the bombshell?

Oh.
What bombshell?

You guys don't have
a bombshell? Oh, my God.

Every good case
needs a bombshell.

Oh, Jesus Christ,
and, without it,

you're screwed. You know
what, you know what?
Okay.

I'll find one for you. I'm
gonna do, like, a hero cop,

Mark Fuhrman thing...
Oh, Mark Furhman.
No...

and then sort of transition
into a Kato Kaelin.

Yeah, I wish you
would do none of it.

Okay. All right. Cool.
I wish you'd do none of it, man.

I'm on it, I'm on it.
Shit.
Okay. All right.

Ah, why can't people
just stay out of this?

Yeah, look,
there's potentially...
That-That's my bird expert.

He's from Penn. The guy... Like,
he's totally official, okay?

Let me do the bird thing.
He's an ornithologist.
I don't think it's a good...

I'm gonna kill, man.
I know, but, Charlie,
I'm just...

Uncle Jack, put me
back on the stand.
What?

No, we cannot.
Are you kidding me?

You're lucky you didn't
get sent to jail.

Yeah, I know.
But I think this could work.

I'm gonna say
I found some bullshit online

that proves
that lawyer's Jewish.
Oh.

So what?
So what?
He'll be a laughingstock.

(laughs)
Yes. Yes.
Right?

Because the man is Jewish?

No. What? No.
Not because he's...
Well, that's what

it sounds like you're saying.
N-Not because he's Jewish.
Because he's a liar

and because he's embarrassed
about being Jewish.

I mean, what is that?

Dee, you blew it.
Like, big-time.

I wish you guys would just stay
out of this.

I-I didn't... I-I...
(groans)

Maureen, you are the sister
of Bill Ponderosa,

and it was at your wedding
that Liam got attacked?

Meow.
Mmm.

Your Honor, nothing represents
the tragic aftermath

more than the dramatic
transformation of this woman...

Uh, cat.
Excuse me?

As I transition
from woman to cat,

I must insist on being
referred to as a cat.

Objection.
She's not a cat, Your Honor.

(hisses)
(gallery gasping)

If the witness wants to consider
herself a cat, I will allow it.

I just need to know
where all this is headed.

How is this relevant?

Well, it's clearly relevant

the attack had
a psychological impact

on all the parties
that evening.

No further questions.

Y-Your Honor, do you see what's
going on here? This is crazy.

You know what, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna approach the bench.
No.

Can I just approach it
real fast?
Absolutely not.

All right, earlier, you-you
referred to my ex-wife as a cat,

per her request. Uh, now,
surely, you wouldn't force a man

to pay alimony to a cat, right?

So motion to establish me not
having to pay alimony anymore.

I will not allow that.
Okay, well, so can we just...
we'll pop it on the docket?

We can put it at the end
of the day if you want.

I just want to clear it up
while I got her in a courtroom.

I will not allow that, either.
Sit down.

Now you don't allow something.
Now you don't allow something!

Allow all this.
You gonna allow that?

You know? But you don't...
Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.

UNCLE JACK:
Frank,

did you go to the wedding?
I did.

And I snuck Ryan up in
the trunk of my car.

He hadn't been invited to
the wedding, on account
of the beef with Liam.

And I had him in the trunk
of the car, on account of I
didn't want to sit with him

'cause he's gross.
Right.

(chuckles)
And, uh, uh,

what did Ryan say to you
when you got to the wedding?

"I'm gonna kill
Maureen Ponderosa."

So, if there's someone to point
the finger at, it would be...

his brother!
(gallery gasping)

Oh, my God! Oh, my
God, nobody look!

Nobody look! Nobody look!

Nobody look!
Nobody look!

Nobody look!

Now, you've stabbed

your brother before, correct?

Oh, sure.

And you were upset
at the wedding.

So it's not crazy
for me to ask you this.

Ryan McPoyle, did you attack
your brother at the wedding?

Oh. I'm not Ryan.

What, you're not?
Nope.

I'm Lion. Like the animal.

Lion McPoyle.

Wh-Why are you on the stand?

Because you said "his brother"

and threw your big fake hand
at me.

O-Okay.
Ryan's at home with Liam,
taking care of his infected eye.

Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,

str-strike that, uh,
hand comment from the record.

Uh, would you happen to know

if Ryan stabbed his brother
in the eye?

Oh, yeah. I know.
He totally did it.

(gallery murmuring)
Well, then I guess

we will never know,
ladies and gentlemen.

Uncle Jack,
he just confessed!

He did?
Yes!

Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam.
I totally saw it.

Oh, my God! We won!

(light cheering and applause)

We-- you did it.

We did it.
How did I do it?

Lion, was Ryan drinking milk
at the wedding?

Of course. Everyone was.

So who did the stabbing
doesn't matter, Your Honor,

because they were all
still drugged

on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,

which is the point I've been
trying to make the entire time.

So just to be clear,
you've proven my case.

You lose.

(gallery groaning)
(sighs)
I can't follow any of this.

What?
Guys, I got it.

You-you got what?

I got the bombshell.

UNCLE JACK:
Okay, Mr. McDonald,

you recently found out some
very interesting information.

Care to share it with the court?

Yes. I've recently been informed

that Ryan McPoyle
only drinks mother's milk!

(gallery gasping, murmuring)
Which means there's no way

he could have drank the
milk that Bill spiked,

which means he was sober
when he attacked his brother,

which means Bill is innocent!

Case closed! Kaboom!

Bombshell!

(laughs)

I did it. I did it,
black judge. I did it.

Mr.... Mr. McDonald, how did you
come upon this information?

Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle.
I'm curious

how she told you,
because Margaret is a mute.

Well, guess what, smart guy,
I had her write it down.

One more thing, Your Honor.
Margaret, you carry a picture

of Mother with you at
all times, don't you?

Do you mind showing
that to the court?

(gallery gasping)

LAWYER:
Your Honor,

Mother is the name
of the McPoyle family cow.

The cow that provided the milk
for the wedding.

The milk that was drugged by...

Bill Ponderosa.

That mute bitch
lied to me for sex.

Bombshell diffused.

Abramowitz!
(gallery murmuring)

Your great-grandmother's
last name was Abramowitz.

I found it
on an ancestry Web site.

That makes you a dirty liar
because you are Jewish.

(gallery groaning and murmuring)

Okay, I...
That came out kind of bad.

I-I'm not disgusted
by the Jewish part.

It's the... it's the lying part
that I was talking about.

This dirty liar is a Jew...

ish man.

Recess?

CHARLIE:
Oh, God!

Oh, that stupid Dee.
All right, calm down, calm down.

Look, as the great
Johnnie Cochran once said,

if the glove
doesn't fit, give up.

That's not what he
said! That's not...
It...

How are you a
lawyer, Jack?
All right...

I mean, I know more than
you. All right, look...

Watch your voice.
Watch your voice.
Okay, okay, let's just...

let me do my bird
thing. Okay, Bill,

I want to do the bird thing.
Can we just do it...?

Yeah, that's great. No,
let's do the bird thing.

You're good
with it now? Okay.
Love it, yeah.

Jesus, son, what'd
you cut this with?
Shut up, bitch.

Son? Your... This is...
Your son is your dealer?

He's reliable.

Oh, God. Frank, what
are you doing, man?

Come on, reign it in.
I paid for it.

I'm gonna do it.
Hey, fat ass,
this asshole's short 30 bucks.

Go steal another set of my
golf clubs, you piece of shit.

(bleep) you.
Piss off.

Guys, guys, we're doing
the bird theory, all right?
All right.

All right.
All right. All right.
I'm taking the lead here, okay?

Yeah.
All right, let's do it.
Birds on three.

ALL:
One, two, three. Birds!
Those are just ridiculous, man.

It's like three hands...
like eight hands out there.
Yeah.

CHARLIE:
Your Honor,

this is the McPoyle
family crest.

On it you will find a bird--

a Pocono swallow,
to be more accurate.

A very rare,
very elusive bird.

You'll notice
its trademark

unibrow, highly uncommon
in most aviary circles.

And my research shows

that unlike your typical
North American barn swallow,

the Pocono swallow, if kept
under the proper conditions,

can live as long as 80
to even 85 years,

much like a parrot

or some of the more resilient
coastal gulls.

Your Honor,
where is this going?

I don't know, but it'd
better lead somewhere fast.

Your Honor, I can assure you

that this will be
our final argument.

Well, if it's gonna help
end all of this madness,

I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, there was another member

of the McPoyle family clan
at the wedding

the night of the incident.

A member
that none of us have met.

Certainly not anyone
on this side of the aisle.

A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.

A bird. The McPoyle family's

pet Pocono swallow,
and my research shows

that this particular
Pocono swallow

has a history of violence.

Look into the gallery, and
you will see Royal's victims.

It took Margaret's
vocal cords in 1999,

leaving her mute.

Keith McPoyle lost his eyes
and his ears

to it in '76,
and we all know

that according to bird law,
it's three strikes,

and you're out.

Bye, bye, birdie.

Ready, boys and girls, because
here's where it gets good.

Ryan McPoyle didn't
attack Liam. Royal did.

And Lion was lying about
Ryan attacking Liam

to protect Royal
from the chair.

Or lethal injection.

Or perhaps some sort of
small bird guillotine.

I wouldn't understand
the physics of it.

I'm not an executioner.

I'm just the best goddamn
bird lawyer in the world.

So, bottom line-- and
listen up, numbnuts,

'cause it blows a
hole in your case--

birds don't drink milk.

Objection, Your Honor.
(gallery groaning)

There's no Royal McPoyle.

Perhaps, or perhaps not.

Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle
to the stand.

Pappy McPoyle, patriarch
of the McPoyle family.

Royal was your pet bird. You've
had him since you were a boy.

And isn't it true that you never
go anywhere without him?

(crying):
Yeah. Yeah.

I have seen...

raccoons and oysters dancing...

in the head of a pin
with the angels.

They are laughing.

LAWYER:
All right, Your Honor,

clearly, this witness
is mentally unwell

and cannot answer any
of the questions properly...

Uh, perhaps, Your Honor,
or-or perhaps it's just a cover.

But it's quite all right.

I don't have
any further questions.

Oh, except one more.

Didn't the bailiff ask everyone
to remove their hats?

That is true.

Mr. McPoyle,

would you please
remove your hat?

Hmm...
Mr. McPoyle,
please remove your hat.

Perhaps he is too insane
to understand the question.

Why don't I just...?

(squawk)

(gallery groans, gasps, shouts)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Royal McPoyle.

(squawks)

Chickadee, dee, dee,
little birdie.

Let's dance.

Your Honor, this is
Mr. Belka Maier.

He's a professor of ornithology
at the University of Penn.

Mr. Maier, it's
safe to say

you're a bit of an
expert on birds, yes?

I believe you're correct.

And you would understand this
Pocono swallow quite well,

wouldn't you?
Yes, I do.

Then please ask it
if it attacked Liam!

Ask... if... What?

CHARLIE: Mr. Maier, I would
like you to please talk

to the bird and say, "Did
you attack Liam McPoyle?!"

(laughing):
I can't converse with...
with a bird.

Well, I thought you
were an expert on birds.
I am an expert on birds, but...

Well, I need you to
communicate with the bird.

This is very important,
and I need to...
MAIER: But it's a...

(laughs)

Well, this is
a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.

Perhaps this man
has lied about his credentials.

Uh, fortunately, I am familiar
with a little bit of pigeon.

Perhaps I can
get through to it in some way.

(cooing)

LAWYER:
Okay.

Your Honor, this is nonsense.

Look, kitty.
(mews)

Yeah, kitty.
Chase the laser beam, kitty.
(gallery gasping and murmuring)

Order.
Your Honor, you've got
a man speaking to a bird.

And yet, you refuse to rule

on me having
to pay alimony to this cat.

What is this?!
Order!

It's a mockery of
justice, Your Honor.

This is ridiculous, and this...

I said, order!
(gallery clamoring)

LAWYER:
He's talking to the pigeon!

I'm not paying alimony
to a goddamn cat!

Order!
I want order in this court!

Fly, my pet!

Fly!

(bird squawking,
people screaming)

Bring me their eyes!

(laughing)

(screaming, shouting)

Bring them to me!

(laughing)

Oh!

(clamoring)

MELVOY:
In my 35 years on this bench,
I have never seen

such a mockery made
of this courtroom.

You people have wasted my time,

you've wasted
the taxpayers' time,

and this justice
has heard enough.

I am throwing this case out.

I should've
done it hours ago.

He's throwing it out!
That means we win!

That means we win!
That means we won!

Damn, damn, damn!

Order.

Eat that!
Damn it!

Order!

This court has ruled.

Now, I suggest

that you people get
the hell out of my courtroom

before I put you all in jail.

You got it!
Get out!

Bailiff, next case.

Ridiculous.

We have Morgan State Delivery

v. the proprietors
of one Paddy's Pub.

Oh! That's us. Yeah,
that's us, Your Honor.
Oh, that's us. Oh!

Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.

All right.
Uh-uh!

(trumpet playing off-key)

Brown.